"Sharks in Venice" review

Shark in Venice (2008)

Director: Danny Lerner
Writer: Les Weldon

Stephen Baldwin ... David Franks
Vanessa Johansson ... Laura
Hilda van der Meulen ... Lt. Sofia Totti
Giacomo Gonnella ... Vito Clemenza
Ivaylo Geraskov ... Rossi
Atanas Srebrev ... Captain Bonasera

I saw "Sharks in Venice" with my brother and my friend. Watching sharks eat their way through the canals of Venice seemed like a reasonable enough plan for a Friday night. But when I pulled up to the house in Pasadena, they were nowhere to be found. It turns out they were ahead of the curve and had been drinking for most of the day. By the time they returned to the shire, they were almost completely sloshed. They knew that "Sharks in Venice" needed some serious self-medication to help ease the pain. I only wish I had followed their lead.

So there are sharks in Venice and no one cares. Stephen Baldwin gets called over to Italy after his dad disappeared down a shark's throat. Venice proves deadly for Baldwin as he is attacked by wave after wave of outrageous Italian stereotypes. Detective Carbonara and Police Captain Gorgonzola try to help Baldwin with his shark problem. All the while the Mafia is hot to get Baldwin in the water so he can retrieve the lost treasure of something or other. Kidnappings, gun fights and even an occasional Venice shark attack liven up the proceedings as Baldwin does battle with the Mafia and miles of shark stock footage. Capiche?

"Sharks in Venice" was predictably terrible. I shouldn't be surprised about this but somehow I am. You'd think that the impetus for pretending to make this movie would be for the cast and crew to live it up for a weekend in Venice. It may shock you to hear that there aren't that many scenes actually set in Venice. It's just one cheap scene after another pounding you over the head until you beg for mercy. Why wasn't I drinking before unleashing this on myself?

All I wanted was a scene where a shark circles a gondola and jumps up to eat the gondolier as he's belting out a love song. Was I asking too much? Of course I was. The shark attacks in this stinker are an afterthought as the real "action" involves Baldwin doing battle with various Mafia henchmen. When there are shark attacks, they're scenes from (cheap) National Geographic specials or they're (even cheaper) special effects. There was a boat attack scene but it was rendered so ineptly it doesn't count. It was the only scene worth spending more than ten bucks on but the filmmakers couldn't be bothered with such trivial details as making something interesting happen.

So unless your drinking heavily and want to laugh at Baldwin fumble his way around shark-infested Venice, you can let this one go.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 Venetian sharks

"Anaconda III" review

Anaconda III (2008)

Director: Don E. FauntLeRoy
Writers: Nicholas Davidoff David C. Olson

Crystal Allen... Amanda
David Hasselhoff... Hammett
John Rhys-Davies... Murdoch
Patrick Regis... Nick
Anthony Green... Captain Grozny

I saw "Anaconda III" with my brother. I gave him a choice between indulging in David Hasselhoff attacking giant snakes or watching "Bottom Feeder" so that we could observe the spectacle that is Tom Sizemore attacking a rat monster. Actually, it was no choice at all. When you have a chance to watch Hasselhoff put an anaconda in a headlock, you have to jump right in. It was snake time.

A giant anaconda may hold the key to curing diseases. They have it locked up in a laboratory so that it can have plenty of opportunities to escape. Haven't these people ever seen a B-movie before? Never put a monster in a laboratory. It's guaranteed disaster. Sure enough the snake plows through many different scientists as it makes its way to freedom. But this snake didn't count on the Hoff. Hunter Hasselhoff and other digestible actors gets called in to hunt down the ravenous beast.

"Anaconda III" is one of those movies that just sort of happen. You rent it, you put it in the DVD player, you turn it on and the movie starts. An hour and half later it's over with no lingering side effects of joy or despair. It seemed like a good idea at the time. My brother and I agreed "Anaconda III" was a movie. That was about as positive as we could get.

"Anaconda III" has nothing to do with the first two movies in the series. Both "Anaconda" and "Anaconda II" were very enjoyable giant snake flicks. But even the mighty Hasselhoff cannot save "Anaconda III" from pure straight to video mediocrity. The snake effects are disgraceful. Theoretically they were hunting a giant snake but it looked more like a giant garden slug zipping by at a hundred miles an hour. If snakes really moved this fast they would have taken over the world. Even Hasselhoff would have been no match for them.

"Anaconda III" is a typical giant snake movie. It exploits the "Anaconda" franchise to rope in a few suckers to rent their cheap flick. There were a couple of gory parts to it which succeeded in keeping my brother and I vaguely interested. But when the blood stopped gushing we went back to sleep. Still, it does have that icon of cheese Hasselhoff in it which is always good for a laugh or two.

So if you want a good giant snake movie, check out the first two "Anaconda" flicks. But if you just can't resist the magnetic tractor beam that is a Hasselhoff snake movie, do what my brother and I did and jump right in. Have no fear for Hasselhoff is here.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Hoffs

"Bottom Feeder" review

Bottom Feeder (2006)

Director: Randy Daudlin
Writer: Randy Daudlin

Tom Sizemore... Vince Stoker
Wendy Anderson... Krendal
Richard Fitzpatrick... Charles Deaver
Amber Cull... Sam
Martin Roach... Otis
James Binkley... Nathaniel Leech
Simon Northwood... Wilkes

Tom Sizemore and his cleaning crew go to an abandoned hospital to take out the trash. Little do they know that a diabolical madman has turned a scientist into a carnivorous rat monster. Yes. That's right. I said a diabolical madman has turned a scientist into a carnivorous rat monster. The scientist was injected with a serum that makes you turn into anything you eat. So naturally, he finds time to chow down on a rat. He's now the Bottom Feeder. He wants to eat Tom Sizemore so he can turn into a real man. No one, but no one, takes a bite out of Sizemore and lives to tell about it. It's on.

Ahh Tom Sizemore. I've enjoyed watching his antics in many films. He was great in "True Romance", pleasantly insane in "Natural Born Killers" and ruthlessly efficient in "The Relic". Now there's "Bottom Feeder". It's a movie title that affords you many opportunities to make disparaging remarks but I'll control the urge. I don't know how Sizemore made his way to B-movie land but it's a testament to his skill that he still gives it his all as he's battling beasts in basements as only he can.

"Bottom Feeder" is a perfectly acceptable B-movie. I enjoyed watching Sizemore and friends sprint across a cheap set as a guy in a rat costume chased them around. It's a relief that "Bottom Feeder" didn't bother with cheap CGI and instead went for cheap makeup effects. That's really the key to enjoying a monster movie. You have to have a guy in a rubber suit attacking people. The bottom feeder attacked every human he saw, blood gushed out of their necks and everybody was happy.

"Bottom Feeder" is worth a look if you're in the mood for a monster movie. I wouldn't say it's Tom Sizemore's best movie but it's always nice to have a real actor show up to wreck havoc on evil abominations. Any movie is a better with a little Sizemore in it. Sometimes rat monsters deserve to fight the best. The best didn't show up but Sizemore was available. "Bottom Feeder 2"? It just wouldn't be a rat monster movie without him.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 rat monsters

"Cheerbleeders" review

Cheerbleeders (2008)

Director: Peter Podgursky
Writer: Peter Podgursky

Chelsey Dailey... Kacee
Wyatt Fenner... Devon
K.C. Gleason... Cheerbleeder
Jennifer Hodel... Wendy
Mike Horton... Randy (as Mike Horton II)
Jake House... Andy
Jaclyn Lyons... Christie
Emily Pennington... Cheerbleeder
Peter Podgursky... Announcer
Monique Soltani... Herself
Laurel Vail... Penny

I was sent this DVD. The director wanted me to check out his USC thesis film. Being the responsible adult I am, I felt compelled to take an interest into what our young people are up to. Specifically, what are they teaching USC students about film these days? "Cheerbleeders" may have the answer.

I've never reviewed a short before, ("Cheerbleeders" runs about eleven minutes long), so I'm not entirely sure how to go about this. I know that people reading this are not going to be able to rent this film so my usual routine of giving a score on the movie is not going to count for much. But that never stopped me before so here goes.

The least popular girl in school brings an ancient urn to show and tell. The urn holds black sludge which can turn anyone who gets smothered with it into an immensely attractive person. Her geeky friend gets covered in the magic slime and goes mad with power as the cheerleaders throw themselves at him. This all leads to a blood orgy in which the cheerleaders tear apart the hated football team. Heads fly and blood gushes as the cheerbleeders run wild.

I found "Cheerbleeders" to be a pleasant way to spend 11 minutes. The friends I saw this with didn't quite feel the same as me. Since "Cheerbleeders" was obviously made to be a calling card for the director, (it has his phone number and email on the disk), I had to ask them what they thought of his future in the film business. There were the usual derogatory remarks such as, "No chance." and "It was like a Buffy episode without the good parts." and "It's amazing how those locations looks in no way like the USC campus." They were a tad negative on the young director's future.

But I think that's slightly unfair. As a horror fan, I can assure you that I've seen hundred times worse than this. What's interesting here is why you would make your thesis film a cheesy B-movie. There's one thing I know for sure. You don't have to go to college to make B-movies. "Cheerbleeders" shows its love for B-movie insanity and Sam Raimi in almost every scene. "Evil Dead" has probably inspired more horror fans to go to film school than any other horror film out there. But there was no Bruce Campbell in this one to take it over the top.

Overall, "Cheerbleeders" is a perfectly acceptable eleven minute flick. What do I see in the future for this USC grad? My only advice is this: Don't try to be another Sam Raimi, John Carpenter, Wes Craven or George Romero. We already have one of each and we don't need another. Oh, and be sure to have at least one scene of topless women kissing each other in your next movie. Guaranteed boffo box office. Well, maybe not but at least I'll like it.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 cheerbleedersGo Trojans, go.

"Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead" review

Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead (2006)

Director: Lloyd Kaufman
Writers: Daniel Bova Gabriel Friedman

Jason Yachanin ... Arbie
Kate Graham ... Wendy
Allyson Sereboff ... Micki
Robin Watkins ... General Lee Roy
Joshua Olatunde ... Denny
Caleb Emerson ... Carl Jr.
Rose Ghavami ... Humus / ACB Dancer
Khalid Rivera ... Paco Bell
Joe Fleishaker ... Jared (as Mega Herz)
Lloyd Kaufman ... Mature Arbie
Ron Jeremy ... Crazy Ron

Zombies are attacking and they're hungry. This time it's not brains they seek. It's chicken. Lots of fast food chicken. Arbie is pining for his recently turned lesbian ex-girlfriend Wendy. (Arbie? Wendy? Get it? Oh man, those Troma jokers slay me). Arbie decides to take a job at the newly opened chicken restaurant to impress his beloved. Little does he realize that the chicken shack was built over a graveyard. This leads to various foul and nauseating scenes as our intrepid hero must deal with all kinds of bodily fluids, (blood spray, piles of puke, excrement splatter), as the zombies will have their revenge on the mindless consumers of fast food.

"Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead" is easily the best zombies attacking after eating contaminated fast food movie that I've ever seen. It also holds the even rarer distinction of being one of the best Troma movies I've seen. Of course I can't really say that I've seen many Troma flicks as I wouldn't consider myself a fan of Tromaville. I never got into the Troma brand of juvenile gross-out humor. This all goes back to the time when I drove to a college campus to see "Sgt. Kabukiman N.Y.P.D." and was ready to charge the projector booth so I could burn the film. After that soul scarring experience, I decided to let Troma go on without me.

But there was something about chicken zombies that told me that "Poultrygeist" might be worth checking out. Once the zombie infection spreads to the customers, the movie kicks into blood and guts overdrive as bodies are ripped and shredded with gleeful abandon. There are also plenty of make out scenes with Wendy and her new girlfriend as Kaufman seems to have a fascination with watching pretty girls kiss each other. I can't blame him for that.

Although I can blame him for his insistence on having disgusting scenes of bodily malfunctions. There's a horrid scene where an obscenely fat man runs into the bathroom so we can hear, (and eventually see), him take a massive chicken dump. This was something I never needed to see but the Troma people just can't seem to control their instinct to be distasteful. I also wasn't aware that there was going to be singing and dancing numbers spontaneously breaking out. But after my initial shock subsided, I started to get into watching Kaufman sing and dance his way into our hearts.

But what is the deeper meaning of this disgusting movie? What words of gory wisdom is it trying to impart to the unwashed masses? Is it suggesting that fast food is an evil enterprise and that by supporting it we are creating an army of zombies? This anti business tirade is interesting coming from a man who spent the first ten minutes of the movie complaining about Chinese pirates eating into his company profits. Would the Troma people be happy if we forsake fast food for fruits and vegetables? What diet do the folks in Tromaville stick to so that they have enough energy to make these nasty flicks? These and other questions bounced through my head as I watched the chicken zombies run wild.

One last thought, after the movie was over I drove out and had some fast food chicken. Take that "Poultrygeist"! I'll never give up delicious Chipoltle no matter how many zombies attack me! Although I'm not sure if Chipoltle counts as fast food but it is really good food. And fast.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 blood soaked chicken lovers

"Super Ninja Doll" review

Super Ninja Doll (2007)

AKA Super Ninja Bikini Babes

Director: Fred Olen Ray
Writer: Cyrus Nickleby

Christine Nguyen... Eriko / Super Ninja Doll
Nicole Sheridan... Tantella
Beverly Lynne... Marsha
Voodoo... Jim (as Alexandre Boisvert)
Syren... Megan
Evan Stone... Gorath
Kitty... Yumi (as Kitty Katzu)

Two diabolical porn stars want to invade Earth so that they can have lots of sex. Super Ninja Doll to the rescue! A galactic storm is all the excuse they need to break into our dimension so that they can unleash their nefarious plans. Christine Nguyen is the hot schoolgirl, (wearing a short skirt and pigtails just in case we forget she's supposed to be a schoolgirl), who obsesses over her Super Ninja Doll comic book. The evildoers unleash their cosmic power upon her comic so that they can spring to life.

"Super Ninja Doll" tries to emulate a typical anime by having their main character look and act like a horny geek who loves sex and violence soaked comic books, (or manga if you want to get exact). Unfortunately these movies are on the soft side and couldn't possibly compare to a real anime. So then you're stuck with the usual Fred Olen Ray cast of characters going through the sex flick motions while taking post coital breaks acting as geeky as possible.

Nicole Sheridan's henchman, (Evan Stone), is dressed like a sex crazed lego hulk.He needs to recharge his galactic gonads by having sex with any available female. There are three sex scenes with the lego hulk and they're all ridiculously terrible. There's just something unappealing about watching a guy with lego's on his body dry humping women. Some men like to keep their boots on while going at it. Other guys just can't let go of their legos.

Another fetish in anime is to show off the Asian schoolgirls and their white panties. "Super Ninja Doll" doesn't disappoint in this area as we get to see Christine flash her industrial strength panties at us on numerous occasions.This panty obsession leads to one of the few good sex scenes as Christine and another schoolgirl have sex on some desks. There was a lot of kissing on the desks which we all know is the key to a good lesbian sex scene. I just wish Christine's friend, (Kitty), didn't have such a child's body, (no breasts at all), but I suppose that's exactly why she was picked.

While I can give "Super Ninja Doll" some points for trying to be creative, we all know that these movies come down to the sex scenes and this doll is defective. There are only two decent sex scenes in the movie. Besides Christine's party on the desks, there's a three way with her, Beverly Lynne and Beverly's boyfriend which is pretty good. All of the other sex scenes are lacking.

So if you really need to see a ninja doll do battle with lego wearing porn stars, you can probably catch it on late night cable. But if you're looking for a solid softcore flick, "Super Ninja Doll" can be skipped.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 bad ninja dolls

"Hell Ride" review

Hell Ride (2008)

Director: Larry Bishop
Writer: Larry Bishop

Larry Bishop ... Pistolero
Michael Madsen ... The Gent
Eric Balfour ... Comanche / Bix
Vinnie Jones ... Billy Wings
Leonor Varela ... Nada
Michael Beach ... Goody Two-Shoes
Laura Cayouette ... Dani
Julia Jones ... Cherokee Kisum

Pistolero, (Larry Bishop), wants revenge. Many years ago a beautiful woman was murdered by a rival motorcycle gang and he has vowed to track them down. There are plenty of topless women hanging around to help pass the time until their eventual showdown. Through a convoluted series of double crosses, Pistolero weeds out the traitors in his gang so that he and Michael Madsen can blow away their rival scumbags in peace. Blood, beer and babes. The three B's of bikers are in full effect.

Although I consider myself a student of exploitation movies, one genre I never really got into was the motorcycle gang movie. I assume the appeal is to watch guys act tough, curse, beat each other over the head and then carry a topless babe back to the bedroom. But what if you know they're just pretending to be tough guys? I'm watching "Hell Ride" thinking how these guys must have found a sucker to bankroll their movie so they could live out their fantasies of riding bikes through the desert while hard bodied women do their every bidding. Not a bad job if you can get it but it doesn't make for much of a movie.

But if you really want to understand why this pointless movie exists, one has to look no further than the credit that blares over the title: "Quentin Tarantino presents". "Hell Ride" tries to keep the momentum going from "Grindhouse" but writer/director/star Larry Bishop is no Tarantino. However, one must give credit where it's due. It takes a real man to write scenes where he gets to roll around with three naked women and have every female drooling over his biker body. Clearly, it's good to have friends in high places as they will make your fantasies come true but can't guarantee that anyone else will want to watch them.

"Hell Ride" is a mid-life crisis masquerading as a movie. It certainly has some pleasing B-movie elements but it reeks too much of a vanity project to be taken seriously. But if you live for motorcycle gang flicks, you might want to check it out as I don't think we'll be seeing any more of these movies anytime soon. It clocks in at 85 minutes so it won't drain too much of your life away. And don't worry about getting any permanent mental scars as "Hell Ride" is instantly forgettable. It's fading away into the sunset even now...Vroom, vroom, vroooooom....

SCORE: 2 out of 4 bad motor scooters

"Feast II: Sloppy Seconds" review

Feast II: Sloppy Seconds (2008)

Director: John Gulager
Writers: Patrick Melton Marcus Dunstan

Jenny Wade ... Honey Pie
Clu Gulager ... Bartender
Diane Goldner ... Biker Queen
Martin Klebba ... Thunder
Carl Anthony Payne II ... Slasher
Tom Gulager ... Greg
Hanna Putnam ... Secrets

I headed over to Burbank to watch "Feast II". My friend had spotted it in my Netflix queue and wanted to get in on the action. I'm all for sharing the B-movie experience as many a movie has been saved by having someone else there to yell at the screen. This had to be a classic Burbank experience so we had to have some Chipoltle first. Remember, real men eat burrito bowls before watching monster movies. If the movie stinks, at least you get some quality dinner first.

After a fine chicken burrito bowl experience, we headed back to my friend's apartment. His roommate and a big, black dog also wanted to indulge in some B-monster mayhem. The more the merrier. So with the help of a large shot of Jameson's and some beer we settled in to watch "Feast II". The monsters from the first "Feast" are back and they're silly. This time they are running amok inside a town. Another group of misfits band together to try to out smart the beasts. That'll be tough since the monsters seem to have more brains than any of them. There's another girl who traps herself in a store and then tries to break out again and again for no apparent reason. Then there's a guy hiding in a jail, some other people get killed and ahh who cares?

"Feast II" is not as nearly as much fun as it should have been. It's got midget wrestlers, catapults, topless motorcycle babes, and tons of blood, puss, and general monster fluids flying everywhere. But I'm watching this freak show and wondering what the point of all this mayhem is. Of course, there is no point other than to indulge the filmmakers desire to be as goofy as they want to be. The filmmakers of a superior monster movie have insisted on making their sequel so mind numbingly pointless that it's near impossible to enjoy the mishmash of B-movie elements being hurled at the screen.

But the real letdown with "Feast II" is that they are so preoccupied with being as juvenile as possible that they forgot that they were making a monster movie. There is nothing scary about "Feast II". The monsters are an afterthought as one ridiculous scene rolls into another. There is an extended monster autopsy scene which captures the moronic heart and soul of this movie. As one idiot dissects the beast, monster fluids keep spraying on the people gathered around the corpse. This scene drags on so that everybody gets a good soaking. What's the point you ask? It's hilarious of course! Aren't you laughing at all the monster guts being tossed around? I hope you were because I wasn't.

I was waiting for a horror movie to start but it never did. The first "Feast" movie was a great monster flick with plenty of blood and guts to keep everyone happy. "Feast II" lets the filmmakers off the chain so that they can make the most haphazard B-flick they can dream up. It's a collection of exploitation scenes held together by horny midgets and angry biker chicks.

So if you love flicks with midget wrestlers who hang out with tattooed biker women, look no further. But if you really liked the first "Feast" and its endless monster carnage, you'll be let down by this aimless exercise in B-movie excess.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 sloppy feasts

"Gutterballs" review

Gutterballs (2008)

Director: Ryan Nicholson
Writer: Ryan Nicholson

Alastair Gamble ... Steve
Mihola Terzic ... Sarah
Candice Lewald ... Lisa
Nathan Dashwood ... AJ
Danielle Munro ... Julia
Stephanie Schacter ... Cindy
Saraphina Bardeaux ... Hannah

I was sent this DVD screener. Two bowling teams converge on an all night bowl-o-rama to have a death match. One team is filled with the most annoying, foul-mouthed cretins that have ever disgraced a horror movie. The other team has an assortment of punks, skanks and cross dressers. The cretins decide to get revenge on one of the girls from the other team and gang bang her up in the game room. The next night they come back to play again only this time a mysterious killer known as BBK crashes their party. This leads to many gory deaths as the bowling masked killer puts these worthless jerks out of their misery.

"Gutterballs" is an attempt to be a very sleazy 80's style slasher movie. The 80's cheeseball style of filmmaking saturates this movie. Just so you know where the filmmakers heads are at, they have their vicious rape scene play out while Loverboy's "Turn Me Loose" mixes ever so delicately with her screams. I'm shocked they didn't choose "Lovin' Every Minute Of It". And no classic arcade games in the game room? Where was Pac-man? Dragon's Lair? Dig Dug? Gorf? You call this an 80's homage? After the gang bang, they should have driven home to watch "The A-Team" and then played Dungeons and Dragons all night. What a night of debauchery that would have been.

So as the losers keep bowling and cursing their brains out, a few find a way to separate from the pack so they can be viciously slaughtered. The bowling bag killer uses all the instruments of death that a bowling alley has to offer. All of the different ways a bowling pin can be used to penetrate the body are exploited with hedonistic abandon. People will squeal like a pig. And bleed like one too. As far as excessive gore, "Gutterballs" is not shy about spilling a few gallons of blood. I enjoyed all of the bloody payoff scenes. But I think I liked them more than usual because I was praying for these awful characters to die so I wouldn't have to listen to them anymore.

"Gutterballs" is a very obnoxious movie. The F-word was screamed more times in this movie than in "Scarface". I'm not one to care too much about language but this movie really started to grate my nerves. I'm talking "nails across the chalkboard" aggravate me. From the laughing hyena sidekick to the main scumbag who wanted his beer, I was praying for them to die a horrible death. Clearly, these characters were meant to be annoying morons but why make them so despicable that the viewer ends up begging for the movie to end?

That's a shame because I was really looking forward to watching this flick. I saw "Live Feed" from this director and had a blast watching it. It was very inventive in its depravity and had an interesting sleazy story. I figured that "Gutterballs" would follow along those same sleazy lines.

Unfortunately, I was disappointed in this one. I was hoping "Gutterballs" was going to be a fun, nasty slasher flick but it's not. There's nothing fun about this movie. It's definitely nasty but it's not fun. It becomes a chore to sit through as you listen to one moron after another find new excuses to say F--K. It should have been the F--KBB killer

"Gutterballs" is not a scary movie but it does try to shock you with it's many blood drenched kills. As a catalog of gory deaths, "Gutterballs" does deliver the blood and guts. There are also a few sex scenes as most of the women find a way to take their top off. But as a fun slasher flick, it's disappointing. You'll start hating the characters the second you see them strut in. When I started rooting for the BBK, that was a problem. When I started begging him to finish them off so the movie would end, that was a fatality.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Gutterballs

Dude, you cannot bring this negative energy into the tournament!

"Bikini Bloodbath Car Wash" review

Bikini Bloodbath Car Wash (2008)

Directors: Jonathan Gorman Thomas Edward Seymour

Dick Boland ... Dr. Zartan
Carmine Capobianco ... Coach Smith
Margaret Rose Champagne ... Scarlet
Robert Cosgrove Jr. ... The Chef
Sarah Dauber ... Mercedes
Dana Fay Ensalata ... Sam
Phil Hall ... Professor Shipwreck
Natalie Laspina ... Sharon
Sheri Lynn ... Lucy (as Sheri Toczko)
Natasha Nielsen ... Lonnie
Rachael Robbins ... Jenny
Debbie Rochon ... Mrs. Johnson

I was sent this DVD. I was slightly surprised that the filmmakers wanted to send me a copy of this sequel since I really didn't get into the first movie. I had watched the first "Bikini Bloodbath" while suffering through a near fatal bout of the flu. I drove to Vegas the next day with my friend and almost killed him too. I wrote about my near death experience in the review noting that I may not have been in the right frame of mind for a goofy slasher flick. The producer of "Bikini Bloodbath" was concerned about my health and wanted to see if I was well enough for round two with the bikini babes and their demented chef nemesis. Thankfully, the body and mind is now ready for more B-movie action.

But I since I was in and out of consciousness while watching the first bloodbath, I wanted to make sure I was completely lucid while watching this one. That's why I headed over to Burbank for a Chipotle rendezvous with my friends and had them pick up some whiskey and beer for a Bikini-movie night. We made our way back to their apartment where we met up with my friend's roommate and his big, black dog. After pouring some healthy shots of Jameson's, we settled in for the bloodbath at the car wash.

So Debbie Rochon is running a car wash. I thought she died in the first movie but I may have been hallucinating. The bikini girls work, scrub and basically jiggle around cars while loud metal music blasts on the soundtrack. Through a cheap series of events, the evil chef is resurrected and makes his way towards the babes of Rochon's wash. The ladies all head over to Debbie's pad for a car wash party where she yells and curses at them to shut up and get her more beer. The chef crashes the party and many bikini women will die horribly cheap deaths.

"Bikini Bloodbath Car Wash" is made by geeks for geeks. You know the geek factor is out of control when they name most of the roles in the movie after G.I. Joe characters. Even Cobra Commander makes a really annoying appearance to clue you in to the fact that you are watching the love child of Saturday morning cartoons and USA Up All Night movies. When I saw Debbie Rochon show up looking like the Baroness, I knew the movie was going to be a full tilt geeks on parade.

So in order to really watch "Bikini Bloodbath Car Wash", you have to be in the right frame of mind. We decided to play a drinking game where every topless bikini babe scene earns another chug of beer. Within ten seconds of the movie starting, I was chugging away. My friend's girlfriend played a similar game but she could only chug when the guy's took their shirts off. She did some chugging as well. There are plenty of scenes of bikini clad women jumping and dancing around and even the occasional topless scene to keep you awake. There are also a few gory spots where the chef puts his meat cleaver to good use and slices into some car wash women.

But I was disappointed that the car wash was not a bloodbath. None of the slasher scenes actually take place at the car wash. Not that I'm surprised that a B-movie has a deceptive title mind you but I was hoping for some blood spray on the clean cars. Although there is a knife fight at the car wash which is lifted right out of Michael Jackson's "Beat it" video. No bloodbath during this either but they did have some sweet dance moves.

"Bikini Bloodbath Car Wash" is not a horror movie nor is it an exploitation movie. It's a harmless geekfest that is best enjoyed with friends and beer. Make that lots of beer. My friends did get a kick out of the scene where Professor Shipwreck rolls around on the floor after getting hit in the nutsack. As for me, I'm could use less nut cracking scenes and more topless bikini women running for their lives scenes. Still, there's something about watching Debbie Rochon and friends do battle with yet another B-movie slasher that can make it worth checking out. Just make sure you have plenty of beer handy before pressing play.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 bikini car wash babes

"The Witches of Breastwick 2" review

NOTE: To give you an idea how cheap this movie is, there isn't any cover art for it. The picture above is a fake poster that I stumbled upon. I know it's fake because not one babe, (including the beloved Julie Smith), is in the movie.

The Witches of Breastwick 2 (2005)

Director: Jim Wynorski

Tylene Buck ... Julie
Frankie Cullen ... David
Taimie Hannum ... Kate
Lexi Lamour ... Meriwether
Rebecca Love ... Rebecca
Demi Delia ... Dr. Welby
Antonia Dorian ... Doctor's Aide
Nicole Sheridan ... Genie
Nikki Fritz ... Millicent

I saw this on cable the other night. I thought I might have a little time to go get a drink before the movie got going. I got up and turned my back on the movie for five seconds and the naked breasts had already popped out. You take your eyes off of "Witches of Breastwick 2" for a moment and topless women will be bouncing around. You've got to pay attention during these movies.

So a guy is having nightmares of large breasted women dancing around him. His esteemed therapist, Dr. I.M. Hornee, uses her highly unorthodox sexual hypnosis to see what the problem is. She prescribes a backpack full of Viagra and a hike out to Wynorski's favorite cabin in the woods to see if there are any naked women there. He strikes gold as three sex crazed witches are waiting for him and his wife. This leads to various love making rendezvous in hot tubs, bath tubs and anywhere else Wynorski wants to bark out orders to get laid.

After watching "Witches of Breastwick 2", I was hit with this incredible feeling of deja vu. It's as if I've seen this exact same movie before albeit with different performers. Not only can Wynorski not be bothered with such trivial details as a poster for the movie, he can't even take the time to dream up new sex scenes. He hit the snooze button on his creative mind years ago and yet I keep watching his movies. I think we know who the real fool is here.

The one thing that does change with his movies is the women who get naked at his command. I was slightly saddened that Julie Smith did not return from the first movie as she is the finest woman in B-movies today. Nikki Fritz would fall second on my list but Wynorski couldn't afford having her get naked so we had to settle for a 50 second cameo. Rebecca Love shows up as one of the horny witches and does a great job as always. The other witches were good too in their own sexually insatiable way.

But Wynorski and his lazy modus operandi sink this one. Every sex scene is a rehash from other softcore adventures he's filmed in his cherished mountain love shack. There is yet another scene in the hot tub where three women bounce around the water pretending to have a good time. Wynorski blasts music over every sex scene so he can yell direction at the ladies. It's almost eerie to see all three women look off screen at the same time at some unseen, all knowing horny puppet master. It jars you back to reality as you realize this was made as more of a home movie for his vast collection of girls on film than for anyone else to enjoy.

On the plus side, there are plenty of naked women to help you pass the time until you slip into a late night coma. The only good sex scene was with Taimie Hannum and the two witches in the bath tub. Taimie is great with other women and I enjoyed watching her lather up with the ladies. All of the guy/girl scenes in "Witches of Breastwick 2" are fairly ridiculous as Wynorski has them all humping away at turbo speed. He must have wanted to end quickly so he could get back to the sapphic action. I can't blame him for that.

So if you're up late one night and the Breastwick babes are on, it won't kill you to watch another round of Wynorski. That's not to say the movie is any good mind you but at the hour his movies come on the competition just can't stand up against the well stacked witches.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 witches of Wynorski

"Evilution" review

Evilution (2008)

Director: Chris Conlee
Writer: Brian Patrick O'Toole (writer)

Jonathan Breck ... Col Serna
James Duval ... Asia Mark
Guillermo Díaz ... Killah-B
Noel Gugliemi ... Random
Peter Stickles ... Stanfa
Nathan Bexton ... The Manager
Eric Peter-Kaiser ... Darren Hall
Tim Colceri ... Sgt. Gabriel Collins
Bruna Rubio ... Random's girl
Marie Antoinette ... Infected Tenant
Sandra Ramírez ... Madeline 'Maddie' Gilbert
Katie Cazorla ... Nikki

I was sent this DVD screener. The army is experimenting with a deadly toxin which turns people into mindless zombies. An army captain escapes from the Iraq war to bring this important weaponized biological agent back to America. 28 days later he has rented a terrible apartment in order to continue his research into how his evil red liquid is able to turn an ordinary human into a raging cannibal. The local gangbangers stop by to welcome him to the neighborhood. The captain sizes them up as great guinea pigs. Soon the toxin is released and the mutated zombies rampage through the apartment building.

What is it about the zombies of today? They are so much faster and stronger than their previous incarnations. I miss the old zombies who would lumber around as their limbs slowly rotted away. The current crop of the undead is more athletic and powerful than they were even when they were alive. Dying was the best thing to ever happen to them. The zombies in "Evilution" are no exception as they chase down any fresh meat they see with amazing corpse-like agility.

Once the gangbanger gets infected the movie kicks into gear. The apartment building's residents gets turned into mutants fairly quickly. There's plenty of blood and guts as the zombies harvest various organs for dinner. I can't say I was really shocked by any of the horror scenes as it felt like I had seen it all before. Biting arms, biting throats, blood squirts, screams etc. You know the drill. But I was slightly shocked by the (lack of) nudity on the part of the main B-movie babe.

You can always tell whether or not a girl is going to take her top off in a B-movie by how earnestly she's acting. One of the army guy's neighbors invites him to dinner and shows off her amazing cleavage during the main course. As I watched her act her heart out, I knew she was never going to get naked. She was trying too hard. My fears were confirmed when later on there was a half-hearted sex scene in which she kept her dress on. This is a B-movie sin. Never show off a woman's cleavage unless you plan on having a payoff scene where she rips her top off.

On the flip side of that argument, you can always tell when a woman is going to get naked in a B-movie. This one's not too hard to figure out. One scene had a blonde woman come walking into the hallway with just a towel on as the zombies were running riot. I knew that towel wasn't going to last long. Sure enough, the towel was the first thing to go as the zombies leapt for her naked body. It's that kind of attention to the exploitation details I appreciate. Point for "Evilution" for that scene.

Overall, "Evilution" is a decent B-flick with elements of "Demons", "Shivers" and "28 Days Later". It moves along and gives you a healthy helping of gore to go with your movie night. If you need another fast moving zombie flick, it's worth checking out.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 zombie demons

"Rambo" review

Rambo (2008)

Director: Sylvester Stallone
Writers:Art Monterastelli Sylvester Stallone

Sylvester Stallone ... John Rambo
Julie Benz ... Sarah
Matthew Marsden ... School Boy
Graham McTavish ... Lewis
Reynaldo Gallegos ... Diaz
Jake La Botz ... Reese
Tim Kang ... En-Joo
Maung Maung Khin ... Tint

Rambo loves war. But like all true killing machines, he just wants to live in peace. Rambo makes a living wrangling snakes on the border of Burma. Some missionaries want to go upriver so they can help the Burmese people. Rambo informs them that without weapons, they won't change anything. But the fools insist on going and promptly end up getting captured by the vicious, ruthless, diabolical Burma army. Rambo takes another group of mercenaries into the jungle to save the do-gooders and kill as many enemy soldiers as humanly possible.

"Rambo" is a simple film filled with simple pleasures. Stallone knows that any fan of Rambo wants to see him grunt his way through massacre after massacre. The enemy is no match for Stallone and his never ending supply of bullets. They get blown apart, stabbed, shot, eviscerated with stunning brutality. Only a real man would have the skill to wipe out half the Burma army. Thankfully, there's always a war somewhere for Rambo to polish his neck-snapping skills. Diplomacy, mercy, compassion are all dirty words to Rambo.

Kill or be killed is law of the jungle. It's also a good rule of thumb for a successful action flick. "Rambo" doesn't waste a lot of time on filler. It just jumps in and has a good time laying waste to large assortments of enemy troops. Sometimes it seemed like Stallone had too much help with this mission as some of the mercenaries steal some quality kills from him. I was hoping Rambo was going to handle all of the heavy lifting on his own but I guess it helps to have well armed friends.

Overall, "Rambo" is a fine mindless action movie. I enjoyed seeing Rambo back in action. His knife was getting dull and rusty. It needed some blood to give it back that shine we know so well. As long as there is war, Rambo will be there to cause havoc. Or at least someone just like him.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 Rambo knife guttings

"Basement Jack" review

Basement Jack (2008)

Director: Michael Shelton
Writer: Brian Patrick O'Toole

Eric Peter-Kaiser ... Jack Riley
Michele Morrow ... Karen Cook
Sam Skoryna ... Chris Watts
Lynn Lowry ... Mrs. Riley
Tiffany Shepis ... Officer Armando
Noel Gugliemi ... Detective Anderson
Nic Nac ... Ted The Delivery Man
Nathan Bexton ... The Manager
Joel Brooks ... Officer Wytynek

I was sent this DVD screener. "Basement Jack" is about a guy named Jack who hangs out in basements. He enjoys slaughtering families since his mom treated him so horribly growing up. He likes to start his killing sprees from the basement and work his way up. One of the survivors from a previous family massacre is trying to track him down and tell anyone who'll listen that there is a deranged madman with a basement fetish stalking their town. Of course the imbecilic police don't want to hear any nonsense about basement weirdos and their homicidal tendencies. It all ends with carnage and mayhem as Jack makes his way out of the basement and proceeds to purge his recurring mother nightmares through a healthy dose of chopped limbs and spilled guts.

"Basement Jack" has all the makings of a good horror flick. It has a cool title which brought to mind memories of another madman named Jack. No, not the ripper but "Violence Jack". It was a compelling story about a guy dug out from the rubble who enjoys killing people. I was hoping "Basement Jack" would be a similar tale of those who enjoy violence for the sake of violence. Alas, it was not to be.

Basement Jack has issues. Mommy issues. The movie hammers it home that the reason all this slaughter is happening is that Jack's mom was a reprehensible beast of a woman who enjoyed torturing her son. Even though the mom was played by the great Lynn Lowry, ("Shivers"), I was getting bored to tears with Jack's backstory. Monsters don't need a reason to kill people. They don't even need to like it. It's just something they do. Having your slasher, (who looks like Rob Zombie), flashback to his wretched childhood is not what good times are made of.

Of course the big point against "Basement Jack" is that it's not really scary. Most of the movie takes place during a fierce storm as Jack's inner psycho blossoms when the lighting comes out. But after you've heard two dozen lightning strikes it starts to get pretty comical. For some reason, the movie is obsessed with explaining away every mystery as to why Jack likes to kill. Whether it is lighting or a hatred for the family unit, it really doesn't matter much to the viewer. Just let Jack be all the movie psycho he can be and stop with all of the unnecessary analysis.

On the plus side, Jack did hack his way through many unsuspecting dolts. Tiffany Shepis shows up as one of the cops long enough to meet up with Jack and his sharp knife. There are some decent gore scenes but nothing too outrageous. Overall, "Basement Jack" is a competently made B-flick with a few good scenes. If you're in dire need of a basement loving slasher, you should check it out. Otherwise, you can lock the door and leave Jack in the basement.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 lighting strikes

"The Machine Girl" review

The Machine Girl (2008)

AKA Kataude mashin gâru

Director: Noboru Iguchi
Writer: Noboru Iguchi

Minase Yashiro ... Ami Hyuga
Asami ... Miki
Kentaro Shimazu ... Ryuji Kimura (as Kentarô Shimazu)
Honoka ... Violet Kimura
Nobuhiro Nishihara ... Sho Kimura
Yûya Ishikawa ... Suguru Sugihara
Ryôsuke Kawamura ... Yu Hyuga

A hot schoolgirl in a sailor outfit tries to look out for her wayward brother. She goes mad with rage when her brother is killed for upsetting the local Yakusa brat. She tries to get revenge but instead ends up getting her arm hacked off. But as Rose McGowan and Long Jeanne Silver once showed us, even though you are an amputee, you can still have some fun. The schoolgirl's new friends attach a machine gun, (with never ending ammo), to her arm stub. Now she is Machine Girl. Ready to blow away ninjas, yakusas and crazy women with drill bras.

A girl and her gun. It's truly all you need for a successful movie. If it's one thing "Grindhouse" taught us, it's that when life takes a limb away, replace it with a heavy caliber machine gun. Once Machine Girl is locked and loaded, the heads start exploding. She tears her way through many bodies and the blood spray is plentiful. It was quite gratifying to see a movie embrace this level of over the top gore. The CGI effects were weak but the buckets of blood made up for it.

"Machine Girl" is a fun movie. It's a simple little diversion about the pleasures of watching a young woman blast her way through her many enemies. Her most entertaining opponent would have to be the woman wearing a drill bra. She embraces you and your breasts are turned into pulp. This was a fine exploitation scene that captures all that is good in B-movie insanity. "Machine Girl" is worth a look.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 machine bras

"Saw V" review

Saw V (2008)

Director: David Hackl
Writers: Patrick Melton Marcus Dunstan

Tobin Bell ... Jigsaw/ John
Costas Mandylor ... Mark Hoffman
Scott Patterson ... Agent Strahm
Betsy Russell ... Jill
Julie Benz ... Brit
Meagan Good ... Luba

Jigsaw is dead but the "Saw" movies live on. Tobin Bell and his legacy of psychotic life affirming lessons continue because there is never a shortage of loyal disciples to carry on his sadistic work. Thankfully there are plenty of morally flawed people out there who need to be taught the value of life by subjecting them to hideous torture and pain. It's for their own good mind you. Nothing makes people see the errors of their ways better than threatening them with decapitation or disembowelment.

There's also no shortage of people who will watch this carnage as I find myself back in the movie theater every Halloween to see what new traps Jigsaw and his band of devoted fiends dream up next. There seems to be no end in sight for the "Saw" movies. It's unique brand of socially redeeming slaughter and twist endings make for a fun and wholesome night at the movies.

"Saw V" focuses on two survivors of Jigsaw's mayhem from "Saw IV". The FBI agent is convinced that the "hero" cop is one of Jigsaw's true believers. He investigates the cop as a new set of people are put through another deadly cycle of traps for our enjoyment. Tobin Bell keeps showing up in flashbacks so we can relive his greatest kills and learn how he recruited his Jigsaw Padawan.

While "Saw V" is clearly the weakest in the series, I still liked it. There's a twisted mind set in these movies that gives them an authentic horror vibe. The "Saw" franchise is the only active horror series that continually delivers the shocks and gore for horror fans. The other monsters are in hibernation as Jigsaw and friends live on to torture people for prosperity.

Although I'm not sure how many more secrets they can reveal about Tobin Bell's past as this installment revels a little too much in old glory. The movie started to feel like a rush job, (which it is), after seeing the eighth or ninth scene from a previous "Saw" flick. But then the movie went back to the people fighting the traps and all was right with the world.

So Tobin Bell seems to have made an endless supply of cassette tapes and a whole warehouse full of traps for people to be taught a lesson with. His list of flawed humans must be immense. He'll probably need a few dozen more devotees to finish his work. It'll be hard work but I have no doubt that the filmmakers will find a way to keep Jigsaw's twisted legacy alive.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 trapped heads

"Vipers" review

Vipers (2008)

Director: Bill Corcoran
Writer: Brian Katkin

Tara Reid ... Nicky Swift
Jonathan Scarfe ... Cal Taylor
Corbin Bernsen ... Burton
Genevieve Buechner ... Maggie Martin
Jessica Steen ... Dr. Collins
Claire Rankin ... Ellie Martin
Mercedes McNab ... Georgie
Edwina Cheer ... Jen

Tara Reid is being attacked by vipers. The greedy corporation has mutated vipers to help Corbin Bernsen raise his company's stock price. Because as you know, flesh eating vipers always lead to massive profits. The vipers escape the lab and proceed to attack a small town. Will the townspeople survive a night of viper attacks? Will Corbin's stock portfolio be able to sustain the damage caused by an outbreak of vipers? Can Tara Reid learn to love herself again after losing her boyfriend and getting menaced by hostile vipers? And how many times can I write the word vipers in this review? Vipers, vipers everywhere.

Vipers. Why did it have to be Vipers? Yet another mutated animal escaping from a lab movie. "Vipers" is a part of an ongoing series of films called "The Maneater Series". You'll be happy to know that the vipers do in fact eat some men in this movie. And some women too for that matter. I don't think I've ever seen a movie where the snakes actually took the time to devour a body. The beast from "Anaconda" would swallow you whole but the vipers actually take the time to nibble away at your body until there's nothing left.

But since the vipers are ridiculously cheap special effects, the shock from watching these cartoons attack people is almost non-existent. "Vipers" is pure B-movie product designed to be as efficiently terrifying as their $500 budget allows. It exists to fill a time slot on the Sci-fi channel or as background noise while you chug a few beers. There is nothing scary, suspenseful or interesting about it. "Vipers" is watchable in it's own vipers on the rampage way, but there's not much reason to do so. If you need a killer snake movie, try "Anaconda". If that's out, try "Snakes on a Plane". If that's out, you must live in a town that loves killer snake movies. Then and only then, I would pick up "Vipers" for a night out with Tara Reid and her viper friends.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 beware of B-viper attacks

Although this may look like a picture of a rattlesnake, don't be fooled. That evil genius Bernsen has mutated another viper to give it a rattler. Only Tara Reid can save us now.

"Zombies! Zombies! Zombies!" review

Zombies! Zombies! Zombies! (2008)

Director: Jason Murphy
Writers: Anthony Steven Giordano

Jessica Barton ... Dakota
Hollie Winnard ... Harley
Lyanna Tumaneng ... Dallas
Sean Harriman ... Chris
Anthony Headen ... Johnny 'BackHand' Vegas
Tiffany Shepis ... Tiffany
Juliet Reeves ... Pandora

A mad scientist creates a batch of zombie crack which will cure disease and turn hookers into the undead. A bunch of strippers head over to the all night diner after work only to run into a group of surly prostitutes. As they debate who are the bigger sluts, some of the working girls take a hit off of the zombie crack pipe. It doesn't take long before the hookers break out with a case of the munchies and start chomping on people's jugular veins. The rest of the movie has the strippers running back to hide at the strip club, (The Grind House), and battling zombies zombies zombies.

Zombies and strippers. That pretty much sums up the commercial appeal of "Zombies Zombies Zombies". It worked on me. I also knew that Tiffany Shepis was in it which is another automatic draw for me. But her role lasted for less than five minutes and there was no Shepis nudity. This was slightly disappointing but not completely surprising. Shepis is now getting to that stage where she can crank out a B-movie star cameo whenever she wants. Five minutes of Shepis will sell any zombie movie. Of this there can be no doubt.

"Zombies Zombies Zombies" has all of the B-movie elements I love. It has strippers, zombies, nudity, blood and guts. So why don't I like the movie more than I do? This movie should have been a lot more fun than it was. Half of the movie is spent listening to the denizens of the strip club argue and yell at each other. Nothing brings a B-movie party to a halt faster than listening to pointless bickering between the hot women. Why not have a scene where one stripper is giving a lap dance to a zombie and then grinds straight through his rotting corpse lap? Or how about a scene where the stripper swings around the stage pole and performs stripper jujitsu on any zombie who climbs on stage? Anything would be preferable than listening to these people screech back and forth at each other.

But any movie set in a strip club has to be good on some level. This is a movie law which cannot be broken. There are a couple of topless scenes and some zombie hooker gore scenes. The best stripper would have to be Hollie Winnard who had the naughty schoolgirl, (with pigtails), routine for her stripping set. She also should be singled out because she was one of the few strippers who actually lost any clothes! The star of the show, Dallas, did not bother to strip which irks me to no end.

That's what stops "Zombies Zombies Zombies" from becoming a classic B-flick. It doesn't have the guts to go all the way with the sleazy subject matter. It's content to just plod along and do the bare minimum of what's expected from a zombie vs stripper movie. It also doesn't help their cause that the great exploitation flick "Zombie Strippers" just came out in theaters. Jenna Jameson and friends blow this movie away. But if you're in desperate need for another helping of zombies and strippers battling it out, it may be worth a look.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 girls girls girls