"Andre the Butcher" review

Andre the Butcher (2005)

AKA Dead Meat

Director: Philip Cruz
Writers: Philip Cruz James Hyde

April Billingsley ... Jasmine Tyner
Maury Sterling ... Hoss
Heather Joy Budner ... Cookie
Justin Capaz ... Jimbo
Terry Mross ... Sheriff Cooper
Ron Jeremy ... Andre the Butcher

A bunch of cheerleaders are on their way to a competition when tragedy strikes. They crash their car and end up walking to an abandoned house. Unfortunately for them, this is the stomping grounds of Andre the Butcher. Andre, (Ron Jeremy), just happens to be hanging around waiting for someone to kill. There are also some escaped convicts who show up to torment the cheerleaders as well. Throw in some trigger happy cops and you have the makings of a B-movie bloodbath.

“Andre the Butcher” is a fun B-flick. It doesn’t even try to be taken seriously which adds to the sheer joy of watching limbs get blown to pieces. It takes many elements from the B-movie playbook and mixes them together to make a fine cocktail of death and destruction. It also has the obligatory gratuitous lesbian scene. And here it is!Just by the virtue of starting the movie off with a car full of horny cheerleaders we know that the filmmaker’s hearts are in the right place. This movie can only be heading in the right direction.

Luckily for us, it is heading straight into the loving arms of mass murderer and all around big guy Ron Jeremy. Jeremy plays the strong, silent type of killer as he hacks his way through some cheerleaders. A few of Jeremy’s body parts get blown off in the ensuing carnage but he manages to bounce back from these setbacks with the held of a handy stapler. Watching Jeremy and friends bash each other’s heads in are what good times are made of. If you’re looking for a good Saturday night beer fueled bonanza, “Andre the Butcher” is worth a look.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 scary Jeremys

"Mexican Werewolf in Texas" review

Mexican Werewolf in Texas (2005)

Director: Scott Maginnis
Writer: Scott Maginnis

Erika Fay... Anna Furlough
Gabriel Gutierrez... Miguel Gonzalez
Michael Carreo... Tommy
Martine Hughes... Rosie
Sara Erikson... Jill Gillespie
Louie Cruz Beltran... Manny Gonzalez
Mark Halvorson... Brad Furlough
Leslie Marshall... Carol Furlough

There has never been a good movie made about the chupacabra. “Mexican Werewolf in Texas” is no exception. The chupacabra is the monster movie kiss of death. In fact, I will go on record as to say that there will never be a good movie made about the chupacabra. Since no one really knows what it is, it will take some imagination on the filmmaker’s part to bring this blood sucking beast to life. The chupacabra does not strike fear in the hearts of men but he is good for a laugh or two.

So some bored teens are wasting away in Border Town, Texas. The town is famous for being the goat capital of the world. This excites the chupacabra who makes his way over the border so that he can chow down. The town is baffled by these mysterious killings. Tensions are getting high as the white people want to blame the Mexicans and the Mexicans want to blame the chupacabra. I blame this movie. Of course the only people who can save the town from a horrible blood sucking death are the bored teens who have become instant experts in chupacabra hunting.

The werewolf is a fine movie monster while the chupacabra is a disgrace. The chupacabra has no legend behind it to make it interesting. No silver bullets, no full moon insanity, etc. It has no back story at all. It’s just this big hairy beast that likes goat blood. Its name translates into “Goat Sucker”. Goat sucking does not cause terror. At least with a werewolf we know it’s someone who’s cursed to destroy anyone in his path under the light of a full moon. The chupacabra is cursed to destroy any movie he’s in.

As low budget and amateurish as this is, it’s still strangely watchable. There’s just something inherently amusing about watching a guy in a rubber suit attack people. Of course nothing truly interesting happens in this movie but it kept me watching in the hope that the chupacabra would surprise me. He didn’t. You can let this goat sucker go.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 goat suckers

"Plasterhead" review

Plasterhead (2006)

Director: Kevin Higgins
Writer: Kevin Higgins

Kathryn Merry ... Maggie
Josh Macuga ... Steve
Ernest Dancy ... David
Raine Brown ... Audra
Gerard Adimando ... Sheriff Earl Taggart
Brandon Slagle ... Henry

A bunch of college students are heading to Miami for a vacation. They decide to take a shortcut through a small town because that’s what you do in horror movies. You always take the shortcut through the scariest backwoods town you can find. This particular stretch of West Virginia is the home of Plasterhead, a fiendish killer who lives out in the woods killing whoever is stupid enough to wander within arms length. The locals are convinced that a black trucker survived a vicious beating and evolved into the killing machine Plasterhead. Soon they will learn that they were right and that their sins have come back to haunt them with plaster on his head.

Is Plasterhead the new Candyman? The answer is an emphatic no. “Plasterhead” tries to take the “Candyman” approach by having a local myth come to life and terrorize the town. The problem is that the town consists of about three people and I didn’t care about any of them. The four jerks driving to Miami were begging to be slaughtered by their insistence on driving in circles around that hick town. But the main problem is that Plasterhead is a lumbering buffoon who couldn’t catch anyone yet somehow always manages to sneak up on people. Candyman could have ripped the plaster off his head in two seconds. Where is Tony Todd when we need him?

“Plasterhead” has a few interesting kill scenes but nothing to get too excited about. The real death blow with this movie is the pacing. Most of the runtime is eaten up by watching the students go back and forth on the merits of staying in town. They don’t even realize that there is a killer Plasterhead after them until about an hour into it and by then you’ve lost all interest. “Plasterhead” can be skipped.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 plaster mans

"The Witch's Sabbath" review

The Witch's Sabbath (2005)

Director: Jeff Leroy
Writer: Jeremiah Campbell

April Betts ... Keaira
Eric Coffin ... Damian
Gregor Collins ... Derrek
Rikki Dale ... Amber (as Rikki Barry)
Syn DeVil... Auriana
Lori the Gory ... Stripper
Annmarie Lynn Gracey ... Roxy
Ron Jeremy ... Craven Moorehead (The Bible Salesman)
Jed Rowen ... Dave
Lisa Sparxxx ... Meiko

I love the B-movie babes. I really can’t get enough of seeing them do their thing in important cinema like “Witch’s Sabbath”. Although I know full well that the movie is lacking in good acting, plot and other basic aspects of film production, I still get a kick out of these movies. There’s just something about topless women massacring morons that screams entertainment.

A bunch of demonic strippers want to harvest some souls so they can bring on the large breasted apocalypse. They lure some horny idiots, (is there any other kind?), back to their pad so they can get the killing party started. Ron Jeremy shows up as a Bible salesman intent on stopping this evil madness. He doesn’t get very far. Soon the dolts will have to battle the strippers in a fight to the B-movie death.

“Witch’s Sabbath” is a simple movie that will be enjoyed if one is in the mood for a night of cheap blood, cheap T&A, cheap gore, cheap camera work and all around cheapness. Did I mention it’s cheap? Lisa Sparxxx and Syn De Vil are the best special effects the filmmakers could afford and they put them to good use. These two made the movie for me. I had a good time watching them be all the witchy women they could be.

“Witch’s Sabbath” is a joke of a horror movie. There’s nothing remotely scary about it. But as a sleazy B-flick it’s pretty good. It’s worth a look if you’re in the mood for some cheap fun with the B-movie witches.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 witchy women

Scary...

"The Rage" review

The Rage (2007)

Director: Robert Kurtzman
Writers: John Bisson Robert Kurtzman

Andrew Divoff ... Dr. Viktor Vasilienko
Erin Brown ... Kat
Reggie Bannister ... Uncle Ben
Ryan Hooks ... Josh
Rachel Scheer ... Olivia
Sean Serino ... Pris

A mad scientist has had it with humanity. He invents a rage virus that will wipe the scourge of humans off the Earth. But like all nefarious B-movie plans, things go awry. The test subject will not cooperate with the doctor’s master plans and runs amok ahead of schedule. This leads to much blood and gore as the rage virus fills you with the urge to tear people limb from limb. Misty Mundae and friends get in the way of the rampaging rage virus as it spreads from humans to insane vultures. Yes, that’s right. Mad, drooling, blood lusting vultures. It’s a B-movie party.

“The Rage” is an excellent B-movie. I had a great time watching it. It’s set up to be a showcase for gore effects and keeps the blood splatter level high. It starts off with a rage infected human attacking the doctor and then rampaging through some unsuspecting dolts. Once some vultures get their beaks into his dead carcass, they become infected with the virus. They spot Misty and friends and swoop down to finish her off. From there the movie is a nonstop bloodbath. It was a joy to watch.

“The Rage” also holds the distinction of being the best Misty Mundae horror flick I’ve seen yet. Of course, the best Mundae movie of all time is still “The Seduction of Misty Mundae” but as far as normal B-flicks go, “The Rage” is a lot of fun. I still can’t get used to this “Erin Brown” name though. It’s Misty forever. She seems to have shifted gears away from softcore and into horror now so I guess I’ll be seeing her scream her way through B-movie land.

“The Rage” is a perfect Saturday night rental. Blood, gore, severed limbs and psychotic vultures. Well worth checking out.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 raging vultures

"Kinky Killers" review

Kinky Killers (2007)

Director: George Lekovic
Writers: Ken Del Vecchio

Michael Paré ... Barry Harper
Charles Durning ... Alexander Hathaway
Beverly Lynne ... Jill Kessy
Brooke Lewis ... Grace Sario
Ken Del Vecchio ... Bob Hathaway / The Figure (as Kenneth Del Vecchio)
Julianne Michelle ... Serena
Brandon Slagle ... Dean Zimmer
Kelli McCarty ... Tori

The end of the world can come about by having copious amounts of anal sex. Hmmm...it must be a Beverly Lynne movie. Indeed it is! Anal loving Beverly shows up as a psychiatrist bent on doggie style world domination.

A couple of cops are investigating a series of sadistic murders. Body parts are showing up all over town with strange tattoos on them. All of the victims are connected to Dr. Beverly and her sleazy boyfriend. Beverly believes in carnal therapy and sometimes lets her boyfriend have some fun with her patients. As more naked women get chopped up, the cops close the net on Beverly and her kinky killers.

“Kinky Killers” is a decent sleaze fest. There is a very convoluted explanation as to why all of the murders are happening. It takes up about five minutes at the end which could have been better spent watching Beverly get naked. It has something to do with a Polycarp and seven churches and some other stuff and ahh who cares? All we need to know is that Beverly likes to get on all fours and wants to rule the world on her knees.

“Kinky Killers” has the usual bumps and clunkiness that B-movies about sadistic ritual murders of naked women always seem to have. But Beverly and friends make up for it with their dedication to exploitation extremes. Watching them encourage incantations while getting pleasured from behind is a fine example of B-movie cinema. If you’re in the mood for some Saturday night sleaze, “Kinky Killers” is a fair rental. It’s certainly not a horror movie but has some moments of B-movie sleaze that could be worth checking out.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 kinky Beverlys

"Bit Parts" review

Bit Parts (2006)

Director: Dave Reda
Writer: Jon Rosenberg

Michelle Angel ... Maggie Cranston
Molly Fix ... Melissa Martin
Sarah Gordon ... Brenda Martin
Christopher Page ... Doctor Cranston
Dave Reda ... Bobby DuMont
Peter Redman ... Detective Tony Giallo
Sean Spence ... Phil

A madman is stalking the wannabe actresses of Hollywood. He’s holding phony auditions so that he can get women to show him their bit parts. He wants to cut off their most attractive features so that he can attach them to his hideously deformed daughter. When he sees an actress with a pair of lips that turn him on, he drags her back to his secret lair where he can perform fiendishly cheap operations. Somehow the deranged daughter and her new organ donor bond which puts a hold on the surgery. This buys the actress some time as her sister and a helpful cab driver try to find her before she goes under the knife.

The story of the sleazy guy in Hollywood luring naïve women to their doom is a tried and true formula. Not surprisingly, the producers of this film used the exact same tactic to get actresses to appear in this movie. The ladies thought they were going to be in a movie but instead ended up as body parts on the B-movie floor.

You’d think watching a madman hack off women’s limbs would be more entertaining. But “Bit Parts” is too cheap to really wholeheartedly embrace the concept of maniacal doctors at work. If there’s one thing “Frankenhooker” taught us, (and it has taught us a lot), is that when making a B-movie about lopping off parts of women, make sure you attach it to something sleazy. Watching the doctor’s daughter get excited about new boobies left me yawning. I didn’t want that brat to get new boobies. I didn’t want her to get anything her little whining heart desired. The doc should have stuffed her in the vat of acid and made a new daughter from scratch. That’s what good times are made of.

“Bit Parts” tries it’s best to be an entertaining B-flick but I couldn’t get into it. It’s too cheap to do the ripping and tearing it needs to. You might get into it if you’re looking for a light hearted take on female organ removal. As for me, I like my evil doctors to remove bit parts with maniacal glee, not psychotic fatherly love.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 female parts

"Harlots of the Caribbean" review

Harlots of the Caribbean (2006)
AKA Bikini Pirates
AKA My day at the Pier

Nicole Sheridan ... Jill
Voodoo ... Dustin (as Alexandre Boisvert)
Beverly Lynne ... Susan
Randy Spears ... Joe
Evan Stone ... Captain Tygus
Rebecca Love ... Morganna the Pirate
Cassie Young ... Morganna's Captive

Did you know today was the last day to ride the Ferris wheel at the Santa Monica Pier? They’ve sold it on ebay to some guy in Oklahoma City. He says he’s going to put it in one of his suburban developments. A new Ferris wheel will be installed at the Pier soon but before the old one got broken down and shipped off, I thought I’d head down there and give it one last ride. Actually it’ll be my first and last ride as I have never been on it before.

So I hit the 3rd St. Promenade and walked toward the Pier. The Promenade begs the question, how many hustlers can I run into before making it to the Pier? I had headphones around my neck to discourage conversation but of course that didn’t stop the guy from asking me if I was looking to buy something? I smiled at him and kept going. I always smile. Remember this 3rd St. safety tip: Smile.

I made it to the Pier and headed toward the Ferris wheel.There was an Iraq war protest going on which looked interesting. Coffins and grave markers littered the Santa Monica beach.I took this as an ominous sign. But I had made it this far so I had to keep going. The line was a little long because everybody got to ride for free today. I put the headphones on and waited patiently.

I finally make it to the front of the line. Oh boy oh boy oh boy! As I’m getting on the Ferris wheel, Gary Busey walks off. That’s right. Mr. “Silver Bullet” himself walks off the Ferris wheel with a blonde woman. If this ride is good enough for Busey, it’s good enough for me. Busey, (in the white baseball cap), knows how to party.
You see, a Ferris wheel is a lot like a late night skin flick. It has its ups and downs. Sometimes it seems to drag on forever and you just want to get off as quickly as possible. Sometimes it leaves you hanging limp in the wind. And sometimes it gives you a beautiful view and you just want to soak it in forever.“Harlots of the Caribbean” is a Ferris wheel sex flick. Some scenes are worth soaking in while others need to end as soon as possible. Beverly Lynne and friends head to the countryside to have sex. They have an old pirate treasure map which tells them the best place to get naked. X marks the spot with S-E being right in front of the X. Make that XXX. Rebecca Love is the large breasted pirate queen who really wants to get laid. She gets her wish as everyone wants to walk her plank. Arrrh me hearty’s.

I love watching Beverly Lynne get laid. She just seems like a woman you could have a shot with. You know, someone you could hang out with and have some fun. Of course the Beverly Lynne of my fantasies could all be a lie. But what a sweet lie it is. Rebecca Love has the kind of all purpose body you could spend a few quality hours with. And I’m talking quality! Her scene with Nicole Sheridan at the end was the highlight of the movie.

There were some other sex scenes but there really not worth dwelling on. Nicole Sheridan looks and acts like the porn star she is. Nothing about her seems remotely real. Her scene in the shower made me want to jump overboard. But then again the last scene with Rebecca makes me want to sing YO-HO-HO and a bottle of rum! I don’t know why but it does. So if you’re looking for some late night fun with a few good panoramic views, “Harlots of the Caribbean” is not a bad ride.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Ferris wheels

Goodbye!

"Wrestlemaniac" review

Wrestlemaniac (2006)
AKA El Mascarado Massacre

AKA The Mexican Porn Massacre

Director: Jesse Baget
Writer: Jesse Baget

Rey Misterio Sr. ... El Mascarado
Irwin Keyes ... Stranger
Adam Huss ... Alphonse
Leyla Razzari ... Dallas (as Leyla Milani)
Margaret Scarborough ... Debbie
Jeremy Radin ... Steve
Catherine Wreford ... Daisy
Zack Bennett ... Jimbo

I am going to chug a Negra Modelo before writing this review. You’ve got to get into the spirit of things when writing about a movie called “Wrestlemaniac”. Ready? Here we go. Chug! Chug! Chug! This is full contact reviewing here. Only a little bit more to go now. It’s gone. Now for my finishing move. I’m going to have a shot of Patron in a shot glass I got from Vegas. I’ve been saving this glass for a special occasion. Discussing the merits of a killer masked wrestler movie demands tequila. Cheers! Off the top rope! OK. I’m ready now.

An amateur porn crew heads to Mexico to film some porn. Instead of going to a sleazy motel, they decide to stop in a sleazy ghost town. It is there that the fat dork of the crew tells them the legend of the big masked wrestler who liked to rip people’s faces off. This turns the director on and he wants to make it with his porn hotties as soon as possible. After a few breasts have been seen, the wrestlemaniac makes his appearance. Faces are torn off while the crew runs for their lives. Thankfully the fat dork knows how to defeat the wrestlemaniac. You’ve got to unmask the masked maniac and he will run away forever. Easier said than done.

“Wrestlemaniac”. What a great idea for a B-movie. There should be more B-movies with porn casts getting attacked by masked wrestlers. There are so many more avenues to explore with this particular genre. You could have a tag team match between two masked maniacs and two S&M dominatrixs. Or a lesbian steel cage match! Or MILF’s vs Maniacs! The sleaze potential is endless.

“Wrestlemaniac” is content with just scratching the surface of sleaze possibilities. It delivers the bare minimum of what you would expect from an important piece of cinema called “Wrestlemaniac”. There is a brief porno scene and the wrestler does rip some faces off. It’s got some blood and hot babes so you know that's always good. There is also one wrestling scene in the movie. I’m glad it was in there but I was hoping for more. Some graphic eye gouging and hair pulling with the porn babes could have been the ticket to sleaze nirvana.

Overall, “Wrestlemaniac” is a fair B-movie. It moves along and gives you a little bang for your buck. It may be worth a look. I just hope in “Wrestlemaniac 2” they decide to throw down and put the wrestle back in “Wrestlemaniac”. It needs some more porn body slamming action to make it a sleaze classic.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 wrestlemaniacs

"Zombie Strippers" review

Zombie Strippers (2008)

Director: Jay Lee
Writer: Jay Lee

Robert Englund... Ian Essko
Jenna Jameson... Kat
Roxy Saint... Lillith
Joey Medina ... Paco
Shamron Moore ... Jeannie
Penny Drake ... Sox
Jennifer Holland ... Jessy
John Hawkes ... Davis
Jeannette Sousa ... Berengé
Whitney Anderson ... Gaia
Carmit Levité ... Madame Blavatski

I saw “Zombie Strippers” at the Nuart. I would have thought less of myself if I had passed up an opportunity to see a film called “Zombie Strippers” in the theaters. I also got a free Jenna Jameson comic book out of the deal. It came with the ticket. Could life get any sweeter?! I grabbed my candy and soda and made my way to the front. I had to see the zombie stripping up close.

So a zombie virus escapes a government lab. An infected soldier from the zombie hit squad runs for cover in a strip club. Of course he does. When he sees Jenna Jameson stripping, it drives him wild for her flesh. He proceeds to eat a good chunk of her. This turns out OK for Jenna as being dead increases her stripping skills. Soon the other girls get jealous of all the attention undead Jenna is getting and decide they want to join the zombie gravy train. But zombie strippers need to eat and the downside to ghoulish stripping becomes apparent as a room full of customers becomes a room full of mindless zombies. More blood, breasts and zombie chaos follow.

Jenna Jameson is a master hair flipper. She is right up there with Nikki Fritz in the hair flipper Hall of Fame. And stripping? Jenna Jameson is a world class stripper. Jenna pounces on stage after getting a zombie bite to show the club how the undead can dance. If you don’t get turned on by seeing Jenna Jameson strip while blood runs over her body, you don’t like B-movies. This scene was the highlight of the movie. Jenna Jameson’s undead strip tease was a sublime B-movie moment. I was entranced.

“Zombie Strippers” is a fun B-movie. A complaint I often make about these movies is that the filmmakers don’t put enough effort into it to make it fun or sometimes even worth sitting through. “Zombie Strippers” does not have that problem. The filmmakers took great care in making sure fans will enjoy it. Robert Englund did a good job as the sleazy club owner and the guy who played the janitor had me laughing. His scene naming his bullets for his last stand was hilarious.

“Zombie Strippers” is packed full of B-movie goodness. It had naked breasts, undead breasts, Goth breasts, redhead breasts and some more naked breasts. There’s also blood, guts, exploding heads, and zombie stripper catfights. This movie has it all! I was very pleased. Go see some dead strippers!

SCORE: 3.5 out of 4 Jennas

Jenna's main zombie stripper rival. As you can see, the movie was amazing.

"The Lost" review

The Lost (2005)

Director: Chris Sivertson
Writers: Jack Ketchum Chris Sivertson
Genre:Drama / Horror more

Marc Senter ... Ray Pye
Shay Astar ... Jennifer Fitch
Alex Frost ... Tim Bess
Megan Henning ... Sally Richmond
Robin Sydney ... Katherine Wallace
Michael Bowen ... Detective Charlie Schilling
Ed Lauter ... Ed Anderson
Dee Wallace ... Barbara Hanlon (as Dee Wallace-Stone)
Erin Brown ... Lisa Steiner
Ruby Larocca ... Elise Hanlon

One of the first images in “The Lost” has a pair of feet trudging along a dirt path to an outhouse while “I’m the Pied Piper” plays on the soundtrack. When Ray Pye reaches the door of the outhouse, a naked woman steps out and stops the music. She once was lost but now she’s found. It’s her. My God, she’s everywhere. I can’t escape. It’s no use. She’s in every single B-movie. Yes, I’m talking about Misty Mundae. Back again and naked. Of course she is.

So Ray “Pied Piper” Pye spots a naked Mundae and another Seduction Cinema babe down at a campsite. He decides to blast some lesbians for fun. His friends insist that he doesn’t know whether they’re lesbians or not but Pye has probably seen enough late night Cinemax to know what he’s talking about. Pye shows his contempt for Mundae and friend by using them for target practice. His friends fall into line as the Pied Piper tells them everything will be just fine as long as they listen to him. Ray leads the Lost out of the woods and into a life filled with drugs, sleazy sex and rapidly disintegrating morality.

“The Lost” is based on the story of Charles Schmid, “The Pied Piper of Tucson”. Most of Ray Pye’s freaky eccentricities are lifted straight from Schmid. The makeup, the fake mole and especially the crushed cans in the boot to make himself seem taller all come from Schmid. The enduring mystery of Schmid/Pye is why are people attracted to this obvious loser? Why do these lost souls follow the pied piper down a path of destruction? In a boring town, Pye is the most exciting thing going on. Well, at least he thinks he is and acts the part of a cool guy so his friends will stick around. As the truth about himself slowly reveals itself to Pye, (that he is in fact a loser), Pye flips out and wants to send everyone he knows to their bloody death.

“The Lost” is a pretty good flick. I enjoyed it. “The Lost” takes a while to get going but eventually delivers at the end. There is a lot of build-up between the first murders and Ray Pye’s eventual transformation into a raving psychopath. Ray tries to grab onto whatever is left of his humanity but any normal woman will see right through his deceit. “The Lost” paints a sick portrait of a budding psycho. It’s worth a look.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 Pied Pipers

"The Caretaker" review

The Caretaker (2008)

Director: Bryce Olson
Writer: Jackie Olson

Kira Verrastro... Ella
James Immekus... Snail
Jennifer Freeman... Sonya
Andrew St. John... Topher
Diego J. Torres... Ricky
Victoria Vande Vegte... Chloe
Jennifer Tilly... Miss Perry
Judd Nelson... Ella's Dad
Jonathan Breck... The Limo Driver
Lola Davidson... Missy

I went to see “The Caretaker” the other day at the Fine Arts Theater on Wilshire. When I heard about Jennifer Tilly in a horror flick, I knew this was a film that had to be seen. So I met a few friends at Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles to get the Saturday night off on the right foot. Nothing says good times like those waffles on Gower St. After eating there, I decided to rate “The Caretaker” based on a scale of 1 to 4 succulent breasts.

Before we left Roscoe’s I was told some interesting stories. One, did you know that McDonalds burgers taste sour? I didn’t understand it either but my friend’s girlfriend insists that the Royale with Cheese is a sour tasting sandwich. Those of us who grew up on it just didn’t understand the concept. I also heard a story about a house in Chatsworth that was rented out for porno shoots. One of my friends knew a guy who used to rent it out and then watch the movie so that they could see their house. “There’s my couch!” Apparently you get more money if you let them use the bedroom but they rarely did that. You’ve got to have some standards. I laughed my head off at this story as it proved my theory that every third house in Chatsworth is used for porn. My friend lives in Van Nuys but that’s used more for editing porn than for shooting it. You get better hourly rates in Chatsworth.

So we left Roscoe’s and headed over to the Fine Arts Theater. I had them follow me down Sunset Blvd because I knew the way. I lost them in about two minutes. Who knew Sunset would be jam packed on a Saturday night besides everybody in the entire world? I called them to see where they were. They had already passed me and were cruising down La Cienega. They had both grown up in L.A. and were zipping through traffic like it was nothing. We parked at the Flynt building and started to walk on over.

We got to the movie theater and the line to get in had just started to move. This was a free movie in order to get some word of mouth going. We were told that Jennifer Tilly and Judd Nelson were going to show up to take questions after the movie was over. I settled in for some Saturday night horror. It was show time.
A bunch of teens decide to scare their dates by pulling a Halloween prank. Instead of going to the school dance, the limo driver takes them to a scary house in the middle of nowhere. They proceed to tell the girls the story of the Caretaker. The Caretaker flipped out one day and chained his wife to her bedroom. He would dispatch people with his killer fruit picker if anyone looked at her. No one knows if the caretaker is still alive or dead. But since this is a horror movie we can assume he’s alive and is going to torment these teens as all good slashers should. Sure enough, he attacks them as soon as the story is over. It was very considerate of him to wait till the end to pounce. He pulls out his deadly fruit picker and the teens run for their lives. Jennifer Tilly and her killer cleavage show up near the end to try to get some fame from dating a serial killer. It ends badly.
First, let me praise the best part of this movie. Near the beginning of the movie, a horny couple enters the house so that they can get ready to help the teens scare their dates. The girl takes her top off and proceeds to bounce around. Then, to prove her worth to her boyfriend, she takes a flashlight, presses it against her breast and turns it on. Her breasts then glow in the dark. Scary! This scene was highly entertaining and I’d like to thank the filmmakers for their glowing breast efforts. That scores it two succulent breasts out of four.
Unfortunately I can’t really say I was too entertained by the rest of the movie. “The Caretaker” is really light on the blood and guts. For a horror movie, this is the kiss of death. The movie is done in a very lighthearted way that doesn’t fit with my idea of what a maniac with a killer fruit picker movie should be. I can think of about five or six gore scenes that should have been in this movie that were shamefully left out. Why didn’t the caretaker shove his fruit picker through someone? Or cut off someone’s head? He should have at least picked out someone’s heart with it. Most of the violent scenes are done off screen with minimal blood effects afterwards. The filmmakers have a very unique slasher weapon with the fruit picker, (as far as I know it’s never been done before), and yet they failed to exploit it.

When the movie was over, the Q&A section began. Judd Nelson showed up for it but Jennifer Tilly was nowhere in sight. She was very busy with a pair of jacks and was going for a full house. So the moderator asked the cast some very innocuous questions as we waited for the audience to get their turn. The moderator let two people in the audience speak, (I’m guessing friends of the cast as one question was, “You’re all up and coming actors. What other projects do you have coming up?”) My friend was waiting to ask a question about the thumb scene. In one flashback scene, it showed the caretaker’s wife escaping from her chain by biting her thumb off. Later in the movie, another girl is chained to the exact same spot on the floor that the wife was. He was expecting another thumb biting but she just slips out of the handcuff. “I was going to ask them why they built up the thumb biting scene and then forget to have it again. I would have asked but the Q&A was over too quickly. Well, they lost this reviewer after that scene.” Me too man. Me too.

Overall, “The Caretaker” is a goofy little horror movie with not a lot to get excited about. But it’s a competently filmed movie so it didn’t hurt me too much. As we left the theater, they were selling “Caretaker” DVD’s in the lobby. If Tilly had shown up, I would have gotten one and had her sign it. But she went all in after she got a pair of fives and couldn’t make it.

If you’re looking for a scary horror flick, “The Caretaker” is not what you’re looking for. But for a free movie after a delicious waffle dinner at Roscoe’s, “The Caretaker” wasn’t too bad. If you need to see some glow in the dark breasts, this may be worth fast forwarding through to the succulent part.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 succulent breasts

"Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep" review

Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep (2006)

Director: Tibor Takács
Writers: Nicholas Garland Sean Keller

Charlie O'Connell... Ray
Victoria Pratt... Nicole
Kristi Angus... Jenny
Cory Monteith... Michael
Jack Scalia... Maxwell Odemus
Nicole McKay... Kate
Michal Yannai... Sally (as Michal Yanai)
Kyle Morven Tejpar... Young Ray

I saw this over at a friend’s house the other day. You can always tell how qualified a B-movie scientist is by how hot she looks in a bikini.As you can see, Dr. Babe is very qualified. She is hunting some mythical lost treasure that may or may not be guarded by a giant squid. She is being pressured by a bunch of thugs dressed in black who don’t look nearly as good in black as her. They want her to go searching for the treasure for them but she’ll never lower her standards to work for those cretins. Instead she brings along some goofball who wants to take his revenge on the giant squid for killing his parents. This time it’s personal.

“Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep” is a typical straight to video creature feature. Nothing too exciting to write about other than the fact that Dr. Babe could not keep her shirt on. No matter where she was, (the boat, her hotel room, anywhere), she somehow found a way to change in and out of her clothes. We must commend the producers for exploiting one of their best special effects. Actually, she was probably their best special effect as the Kraken was looking a little cheesy.

But The Kraken does manage to kill people on a fairly regular basis so you can’t fault him for his work ethic. He knows what a B-movie monster is supposed to do. The kill scenes are not anything out of the ordinary although I’m always a sucker for the scenes where the person gets pulled under the water and the blood starts bubbling up. I can’t get enough of that. The Kraken does manage to rip apart some people so I was mildly entertained. “Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep” might be worth a look if you’re in dire need of a Kraken fix.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Krakens

"Succubus: Hell Bent" review

Succubus: Hell Bent (2007)

Gary Busey ... Sentinel
David Keith ... Wallace
Lorenzo Lamas ... Flight Instructor
Kelly Hu ... Detective Pei
Natalie Denise Sperl ... Lilith
Jayson Blair ... Jason
Shawna Marie Nelson ... Heather
Ahna O'Reilly ... Bikini Babe
Cameron Goodman ... Kitty Cutie
Rebekah Brandes ... Hottie #2
Amber Flamminio ... Hottie #1
I want to jump right in and praise “Succubus: Hell Bent” for its one positive attribute. That would be Lilith, the hell bent Succubus. Lilith hooks up with a complete tool bag in Cancun and proceeds to have a demonic fatal attraction to him. He runs back to L.A. only to be stalked by the hellish hottie. The rest of the movie has the moron wondering why this demon is after him and what he plans to do to defeat her evil succubus ways.

Other than having a really hot succubus who looks great in black, I can’t think of one positive thing to say about this movie. “Succubus: Hell Bent” starts off with the tool bag and his dad flying jet planes. This lets us know right away that the main character is super rich and needs to be completely despised. Later on, Lorenzo Lamas makes an appearance as a helpful flight instructor who has a dog fight with the jet flying succubus. One of the producers must have a friend at a flight school because I couldn’t understand why a succubus needs to fly a jet to do her dirty work.

In fact, a lot about this movie is bewildering. Like why are Kelly Hu and Gary Busey in it? Both of them show up for ten minute cameos which only serve to remind us that we are not watching a real horror movie. I suspect that the filmmakers really wanted to make a teen “Fatal Attraction/Fear/The Crush/Swimfan” type flick but decided it had been done before. Why not make the same kind of crazy chick movie but with a succubus? And jets! Lots of jet fighter scenes! Those are really scary! No horror movie with a jet has ever been good. This movie proves that point once again.

Comedic horror movies can sometimes be fun but “Succubus: Hell Bent” is a pointless B-movie. It can be skipped. They had a hot girl in black, a rented hotel room and a lot of jets. This was not the ideal mix for a fun horror flick. This movie needed more graphic succubus killings and a lot less scenes of jet fighters. But that’s probably true of most movies.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 demonic jets

Well, at least there was Lilith.

"Dream Slashers" review

Dream Slashers (2007)

Director: Philippe Ney
Writer: Domenic Siclari

Keren Gilbert ... Josey
Jon Seminara ... Charlie Watts
Irwin Keyes ... Sheriff Garza / Pizza Delivery Man
Jossara Jinaro ... Meena Garcia
Emerson Brooks ... Terrence
Ryan Kitley ... Scott
Esme Williams ... Demitria
Monica Gambee ... Monica
Michelle LaFrance ... Jessica
Melissa Tesmer ... Kelly

In any other line of business, fraud would be considered a detriment to a continuing successful enterprise. For some B-movie filmmakers, it’s a necessary business tactic. The description of “Dream Slashers” bears no resemblance to the actual film. I remember reading something about naughty women invading a guy’s dreams and doing some slashing. I can assure you that those naughty women are nowhere near this movie. How naughty of them.

How do B-movie hucksters continually get away with it? If I bought a bag of cookies, and it turned out that there wasn’t anything inside, I could get my money back. Yet if I rent a movie called “Dream Slashers” and it has nothing to do with dreams or slashers or anything else resembling entertainment, I get the finger. Why do B-movie filmmakers hold their audience in such contempt? Do they hate the fact that they are forced to make horror movies? Do they hate consumers in general? What drives people to waste time and money making this garbage only to turn around and try to sell it as something mildly entertaining? These and other questions are pointless to ask as the filmmakers have already taken my money and moved on to their next five movies they’ll crank out this weekend.

So if you are foolish enough to watch this movie, here’s what you get. A bunch of hot women go to their apartment and have a slumber party. They decide to tell scary stories while dressed in lingerie. The girl dressed as the devil has a really scary story to tell and proceeds to ruin the party. She babbles on about a haunted motel in Mexico where two couples hang out and bore to death anyone listening to their mind-numbing tale.

The only hope this movie had of being good was to let the lingerie girls either a) become Dream Slashers like it promised or B) let some hideous maniac attack them while they ran around in their underwear. Why devil girl decided to drag a perfectly good lingerie slumber party into oblivion with her tedious story is beyond me. “Dream Slashers” is the epitome of complete rip-off. It needs to be avoided. It will try to invade your B-movie dreams with its deceitful advertising but be strong and steer clear.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 dreaming lingerie girls