"Grindhouse" review

Grindhouse (2007)

Directors: Robert Rodriguez(segment "Planet Terror") (fake trailer segment "Machete")
Eli Roth (fake trailer segment "Thanksgiving")
Quentin Tarantino (segment "Death Proof")
Edgar Wright (fake trailer segment "Don't Scream")
Rob Zombie (fake trailer segment "Werewolf Women of the S.S.")

Writers: Robert Rodriguez Quentin Tarantino

Rose McGowan ... Cherry (segment "Planet Terror")/Pam (segment "Death Proof")
Freddy Rodríguez ... Wray (segment "Planet Terror")
Josh Brolin ... Dr. William Block (segment "Planet Terror")
Marley Shelton ... Dr. Dakota Block (segments "Planet Terror"/"Death Proof")
Jeff Fahey ... J.T. (segment "Planet Terror")
Michael Biehn ... Sheriff Hague (segments "Planet Terror"/"Thanksgiving")
Zoe Bell ... Zoe
Michael Bacall ... Omar (segment "Death Proof")
Eli Roth ... Dov (segment "Death Proof")/Tucker (trailer segment "Thanksgiving")
Danny Trejo ... Machete (segment "Machete")
Sybil Danning ... Gretchen Krupp (segment "Werewolf Women of the SS")
Quentin Tarantino... The Rapist (segment "Planet Terror")/Warren (segment "Death Proof")
Michael Parks... Earl McGraw (segments "Planet Terror'" and "Death Proof")
Kurt Russell... Stuntman Mike (segment "Death Proof")
Rosario Dawson... Abernathy (segment "Death Proof")
Vanessa Ferlito... Arlene (segment "Death Proof")
Jordan Ladd... Shanna (segment "Death Proof")/Judy (trailer segment "Thanksgiving")
Tracie Thoms... Kim (segment "Death Proof")
Mary Elizabeth Winstead... Lee (segment "Death Proof")

“Grindhouse” is a gimmick movie but it’s a good gimmick. I might even go so far as to say that it’s a great gimmick. It combines two B-movie tributes plus some fake trailers all for the low price of one movie ticket. Well, it would have been low if I didn’t decide to go to the Chinese Theater in Hollywood to see it. But I wanted to see this exploitation tribute the right way. All I needed was some drunks screaming at the screen and it would have been perfect.

In order to get the full sleaze effect, “Grindhouse” tries to emulate the look of a 70’s double feature. There are deliberate scratches and imperfections all throughout the film and trailers. There are also a couple of spots during the movies where a MISSING REEL card will flash on the screen and the story will jump ahead. Surprisingly, both of those spots were where some hot and heavy action was about to start. Isn’t that always the way with missing reels?

The trailers during “Grindhouse” were hilarious. I would give “Machete” the nod for best trailer. That was the most ridiculously action packed. “Werewolf Women of the SS” is a movie I’d love to see. I was kind of hoping that the trailer was going to be in horribly dubbed English. Italian-made Naziploitation is the only way to go. I could have used a little more Sybil Danning there too. “Don’t” had me laughing. Just “don’t”. “Thanksgiving” started off kind of weak but made up for it with the cheerleader bouncing to her doom. Having fake trailers to space out the double feature was a great idea and added a lot of sleazy fun to the flick.

“Grindhouse” starts off with Rodriguez’s “Planet Terror”. A toxic cloud gets released and people get infected with the standard B-movie zombie killer virus. You know, shamble along, mutate, eat brains, etc. They start to attack a lot of different B-movie veterans but none is lovelier than Rose McGowan. The first scene in “Planet Terror” has McGowan doing a go-go dance which fixates on her legs. The zombies must have been watching too because they dive for them the minute they see her. The survivors have to massacre many zombies to survive the night. This all leads to the highlight of the flick as McGowan gets fitted for a machine gun for a leg.Yes! Much death and destruction courtesy of Rose’s lethal leg follows.

“Planet Terror” was a lot of fun. It was the highlight of “Grindhouse”. This was the flick that represented the outrageous spirit of the B-movie. It’s a straight ahead, gory zombie flick. Nothing fancy just a whole lot of blood and guts to keep the fans happy.

The second half of “Grindhouse” is Tarantino’s “Death Proof”. A bunch of girls are hanging out in Austin, TX when they cross paths with Stuntman Mike, (Kurt Russell). Stuntman Mike has had his eyes on these lovely ladies for quite some time. He envisions them smeared on his windshield. Why Mike wants to squash them into roadkill is never understood but it doesn’t really matter. Stuntman Mike does what he does because he’s Stuntman Mike. Soon Stuntman Mike will try his death proof car against some ladies who get off on vehicular mayhem as much as he does. Dialogue is Tarantino’s greatest strength. It’s also his greatest weakness. It’s his weakness because he loves to hear himself talk on and on and on... Every character who speaks gives him another chance to reference a movie or a TV show or some vague pop culture reference or just gives him the opportunity to babble on about nothing. Some might call it characterization. I call it filler.

While I have nothing against being a little self indulgent, Tarantino lets himself drag “Death Proof” down with many conversations that go nowhere. His talent for dialogue worked to great effect in “Reservoir Dogs”, (one of my favorite movies), and “Pulp Fiction”, (also in my top 20), when Tarantino was writing hilariously vulgar dialogue between tough guys. But “Death Proof” shows that he just can’t write as well for women. The second half of “Death Proof” stuck us with women so boring that I was rooting for Stuntman Mike to run them down. Even having the New Zealand girl imitate the car hood scene from “Fair Game” had me yawning.

Still, “Death Proof” certainly had its moments. When the girls were behind the wheel and doing battle with Stuntman Mike, the movie came to life. I suspect Tarantino just wanted to see if he could make a really cool car chase scene. Any scenes with cars knocking each other across the road were good. It’s just when the engines turned off that the movie came to a halt. The one exception was Rose McGowan and Stuntman Mike’s meeting in the bar. I especially liked Stuntman Mike’s graphic illustration as to why the driver side of his car is death proof.

Overall, “Grindhouse” delivers a lot of what it promises. I went in hoping for some bloody B-movie thrills and that’s what I got. You should try to see it in the theater if you can. “Grindhouse” is a movie experience well worth having.

SCORE: 3.5 out of 4 lethal B-movie babes

"Feed" review

Feed (2005)

Director: Brett Leonard
Writers: Kieran Galvin Alex O'Loughlin

Alex O'Loughlin ... Michael Carter
Patrick Thompson ... Phillip Jackson
Gabby Millgate ... Deidre
Jack Thompson ... Richard
Rose Ashton ... Abbey
Matthew Le Nvez ....Nigel

“Feed” is a love letter to gluttony and kink. It’s one of those movies that tries to condemn the perversions of its characters but ends up reveling in them. Of course what it’s really reveling in is its ability to shock its jaded horror audience with something they’ve probably never seen before. “Feed” mixes in perverted websites and psychotic mommy fixations to make a hilariously disturbing flick.

A cop in Australia is surfing the internet to try to find some sickos. He comes across a website that has a guy feeding a woman. When I say feeding, I mean stuffing food down her throat until she becomes a giant disgusting blob. The website is taking bets as to when these women are going to croak. For some reason, the cop decides it’s his duty to fly to the U.S. and save the fat women from exploding from too many cheeseburgers. The rest of the movie has the cop and his weirdo nemesis playing mind games with each other while the house of a woman keeps eating. Feed her.

I always like movies that try to shock you with how sick the world really is. “Feed” delivers some sick thrills. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to hear that oldies song “Cherish” again without thinking of this movie. “Feed” touches on a new type of internet perversion for those of us who are ignorant of the more extreme sides of humiliation and domination. Is it a crime to feed someone? What if they want it? How do we get so twisted that we even come up with things like this? These and other questions won’t be answered by watching “Feed” but you will get a peek at the madness that binds two sick people together.

Although I enjoyed “Feed” for it’s commitment in making a sick flick, I don’t see many horror fans getting into it. While there are certainly some horror elements to it, it’s not really a horror flick. It’s more of an attempt to gross you out with it’s obscenely fat bodies and warped sexual fantasies. But I enjoyed “Feed” for the uniquely disgusting experience that it was. “Feed” also has a sick sense of humor about its perverts which is its saving grace. If it tried to play this subject matter straight, it probably would have been a very uncomfortable experience to sit through. As it is, it’s only slightly uncomfortable. Well, slightly uncomfortable for guys like me that is.

One last thought. Fast food burgers are the love potion of choice for the “Feeder”, (guy who stuffs food into the fat woman’s mouth), and the “Gainer”, (immensely huge woman bobsledding her way to an early grave). After seeing the cheeseburgers prepared in this movie, I can’t wait to hit the In and Out burger. Or maybe Fat Burger. I’m not as hungry as big bad mama was, but I could go for a double double. Animal style of course.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 love burgers
Feed the women. Keep them happy.
Oh yeah baby. Extra sauce. You know what I like.
More, more, more!

Dang I'm hungry. Feed me.

"Kinky Pleasures" review

Kinky Pleasures (2006)

Director Woquini Adams

Dee ... Cinnamon
Brooke Hunter ... Sasha
Sean Juergens ... Trey
Julia Kruis ... Collette
Beverly Lynne ... Madison/Morgan
Frank Mercuri ... Pierre

“Kinky Pleasures” has a lot of Beverly Lynne bang for your buck. She plays twin sisters Madison and Morgan. Madison is the hot stripper and Morgan is the shy teacher. Through a series of events, they decide to switch lives. Morgan ends up dancing at that strip club on Pico and Madison heads off to the country. Through the joy of stripping and lots of stripper sex, Morgan ends up releasing a lot of pent-up frustration. Madison finds the fresh country air and a hot stud will heal her troubled mind and body.

“Kinky Pleasures” is a decent Beverly Lynne flick. Beverly goes the way of Jean Claude-Van Damme and spends most of the movie talking to herself/sister. I was waiting for the scene where Beverly has sex with herself but that was probably too kinky. “Kinky Pleasures” has Beverly flashing her naughty and nice sides so we can see her have lots of naughty and nice sex. I was pleased.

But what “Kinky Pleasures” is really about is exploring the dichotomy that rages inside Beverly Lynne. On the one hand, Beverly strikes you as a nice girl that a normal guy might have a shot with. Most of the movies she’s been in she usually plays the innocent, sweet girl. In “Kinky Pleasures” she protests to her stripper friend that just because a guy has money shouldn’t mean everything. Sweet, innocent Beverly is always standing up for love and attraction over money and greed.

Then there’s the other Beverly who is a very prolific softcore star. She loves getting naked at the drop of a hat and has sex with just about everyone she sees. Most of her sex scenes with men usually end with her in the doggie-style position. That way we can see her beautiful breasts bounce while she’s on her hands and knees. Which Beverly persona is real? Which one will prevail? It’s a balancing act for sure but I’d cry a river if the anal sex loving Beverly went away.

This cuts to the very heart of the sex appeal of Beverly Lynne. Some of the softcore stars give off an aura of unattainably. Beverly doesn’t have that problem. Beverly is pretty, sexy, looks great with long blonde hair and has a great body. But her main strength is that she seems friendly and approachable. This fantasy element is the key to her success. She looks like the hot blonde that you could go out with and have fun. Then when you get her home it’s time to strip her down and get her on all fours. I suspect naughty and nice Beverly will be filling our late nights with fantasies for quite some time.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 naughty and nice Beverlys

"The Reaping" review

The Reaping (2007)

Directed by Stephen Hopkins
Writing credits Carey Hayes Chad Hayes

Hilary Swank ... Katherine Winter
David Morrissey ... Doug
Idris Elba ... Ben
AnnaSophia Robb ... Loren McConnell
Stephen Rea... Father Costigan
William Ragsdale ... Sheriff Cade

So let me tell you the saga of Dr. Gore and “The Reaping”. It is a story filled with greed, lust and madness. Well, not really. But it is kind of funny.

I saw “The Reaping” a couple of months ago at a private screening on the Warner Bros’ lot. This was their work-in-progress print and they were looking for feedback. So it was me and about thirty other people checking out the flick. When it was over, a guy bounced to the front of the room and started asking the usual post-screening questions: “How many of you liked the ending? The middle? The beginning? Anything? Bueller? Would you definitely recommend this movie to friends? Would you probably recommend this movie to friends? Would anyone in their right minds recommend this movie to friends?” I had to give some feedback so I told him the frog plague was lacking. In the frog scene in the WIP print, only about five to six frogs fall from the sky. This is hardly a plague of frogs. More like an inconvenience of frogs. I told him my thoughts on the frog situation. He was not interested.

Fast forward to a couple of months later and, thanks to my trusty Plus One, I was able to score tickets to the Westwood premiere of “The Reaping”. It was playing at the Mann Village which is a really cool theater near UCLA. I was sitting near the front with the always cool Poker with Friends. They know how to party. Corndogs and margaritas. That’s all I’m saying.

I was standing up before the movie started to see if I could catch a glimpse of Hilary Swank. One of the funny things at premieres is how the movie starts the second the star is seated. Swank rolled in around 7:30 and took a spot in the middle section. Sure enough, the second she sat down the lights went out and the movie started. As I settled into my seat, I flashed back to the previous “Reaping” screening. I left Warner Bros. wondering if anything anyone said in the post-screening chat was going to affect the outcome of the final movie. I made a note to check to see if I noticed any differences.

Nope. Nada. Nothing. I did not see any substantial changes from the previous version of the movie. There was one change to a bloody gunshot wound scene that made it more tasteful. That was one of the scenes I remember wincing at. Sheesh. Their mainstream instincts got the best of them and they toned down one of the few gory spots. And did they listen to me about the frogs? Did they?! Of course they didn’t. They didn’t listen to anything anyone said.

A small town is afflicted with the biblical plagues. Hilary Swank gets called into duty as a professional skeptic. Swank rolls into town with Stringer Bell, (Idris Elba), as her loyal sidekick. Together they will debunk these crazy stereotypical southerners and their wacky religious ramblings. The town thinks a cute blonde girl is the spawn of Satan. She doesn’t smile so she must be evil. The townspeople want to run a pitchfork through her but Swank is not convinced that’s a good idea. As more plagues start piling up, (boils, lice and a really lame frog plague), Swank needs to take action and figure out what is going on with the blonde angel of death.

“The Reaping” is the definition of mainstream horror. In fact, I wouldn’t even call it a horror movie. It’s a Swank vehicle disguised as a biblical thriller. There are a lot of slick “jump” scenes to scare you but that doesn’t pass the horror movie litmus test.

The main problem with “The Reaping” is something that can’t be fixed with editing or any other filmmaking trick. The fact is that the plagues are just not that interesting to watch. The only one that has cinematic appeal is the plague of locusts. That scene was kind of cool. Other than that, how scary is it to watch lice or boils? Not very. Those lice are going to make you shave your head! MOO-HA-HA! Snore. These plagues were kind of cheap, half baked plagues anyway. Forgetting about my precious frog plague for a second, every other plague affected one or two people and then moved on. They should have put some effort into showing more devastation and despair from a town reeling from biblical onslaught. Instead, we get Hilary Swank looking hot and sweaty as the world crumbles around her. They couldn’t waste time on things like horror when they’ve got a release date to make so they can exploit the Easter holiday for all it’s worth. Reap what you sow.

When the movie was over, we waited outside for my Plus One to come out so we could thank him for the tickets. As we waited, Stringer Bell walked out of the theater and was moving towards the row of parked limos. I turned to my friend and said, “Do you want to shake Stringer Bell’s hand? He’s right over there.” He turned around, looked at me and said, “Maybe three hours ago I would have. But after that movie, I don’t think so.” Later I asked him where the movie lost him. “Honestly?”, he said, “the part where the pictures were burning. I looked at that and thought, well, I’m bored already.” But that was at the beginning of the movie, I said. You were bored from the start? “Yeah”, he said, “going to have to try to forget that one.” “The Reaping” had a profound impact on him. It wasn’t good.

As for me, where were my stinking frogs?! Come on! “The Reaping” needed more frogs man! I can’t let it go! A couple of hundred slimy frogs falling from the sky could have saved the movie. Well, probably not but at least I would have been happy.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 bored frogs
Only hot and buff Swanks can save us from evil blonde girls.

Look out Hilary! Blonde in the bushes! A plague of cute blonde girls!

"Rock 'n' Roll Frankenstein" review

Rock 'n' Roll Frankenstein (1999)

Directed by Brian O'Hara
Writing credits Brian O'Hara Vito Cannella

Graig Guggenheim ... The Monster, a.k.a. 'King'
Jayson Spence ... Frankie Stein
Barry Feterman... Bernie Stein
Hiram Jacob Segarra ... Iggy
Andrew Hurley ... Curly

A music executive is getting tired of all of these ungrateful musicians bailing on him. He decides he needs to build his own rock star. He enlists the help of his brilliant nephew, Frankie Stein, to help him construct the ultimate rock star. A perpetually high roadie signs on to do some serious grave robbing. He grabs all of the rocker body parts he can get his hands on. He’s got Hendrix’s hands, Keith Moon’s legs and Elvis’s head. They decide the finishing touch needs to be Jim Morrison’s love appendage. In a mix up at the morgue, they grab Liberace’s penis instead. From there the movie gets wacky as Elvis’s head can’t reconcile with Liberace’s tool. Many sexually confused monster jokes follow.

“Rock and Roll Frankenstein” becomes one long gay joke as the new rock God tries everything to make his one-eyed wonder worm shut up. This review is going to become an exercise in how many different synonyms I can come up with for penis. Liberace’s pecker starts taking over the King’s desires. The monster’s brand new sausage starts telling him that he wants some hot man action. His little Elvis just wants to sing. Sometimes you’ve just got to feed the Meat Popsicle.

“Rock and Roll Frankenstein” is a funny flick. I wasn’t expecting it to go in the direction it did but I still liked it. This movie is obsessed with dick. Schlong. Wood and lots of it. Why the filmmakers wanted their rock and roll monster movie to be a parade of gay jokes is unknown. It starts off with some gory scenes as they’re sewing their rock monster together. Once Liberace’s Longfellow shows up, the movie goes hard and fast into pure gay monster comedy.

At any rate, “Rock and Roll Frankenstein” was a decent B-flick. It’s worth a look. Besides, how many movies have an Elvis monster talking to his purple-headed yogurt flinger? Oh man, it’s getting bad. Somebody stop me before I go too far. Too late!

SCORE: 2 out of 4 monster cocks - Very nice!

"Surrender" review

Surrender (2003)

Directed by Katherine Brooks
Writing credits Katherine Brooks Sophie Dia Pegrum

Katherine Brooks ... Salene McCadden (as Kate Hill)
Julie Clay ... Georgia Brown
Jon Jacobs ... John

I bought this DVD for two big reasons. If you look at the cover, you will notice a very large breasted woman whose massive chest is about to rip open her tight clothing. This image thrilled me as so many other images of large breasted women have. So I bought “Surrender” in the hopes that I would see this mysterious woman in clothes-exploding action.

I have two big problems with this movie. My fantasy woman is nowhere to be found in “Surrender”. The marketing department took a peek at the actual movie and realized that there was nothing to sell. So they found a top heavy model to plaster on the front cover in the hope that some suckers would pick up the DVD. Say hello to a B-movie sucker. Ripped off again. I love it.

“Surrender” is a lesbian fantasy movie. Well, more specifically, it is the director’s lesbian fantasy as she has cast herself in the role of Salene. Shy Southern girl Georgia comes to live with dominatrix Salene. Through a series of events too boring to be repeated, Georgia starts to take an interest in Salene’s lifestyle. In the best scene in the movie, Georgia and Salene start making out on the couch and then jump into the tub together. But Salene’s dominatrix business starts interfering with their love life and the viewer nods off in apathy. The movie ends with a lot less lesbian sex and a lot more arguing and yelling.

“Surrender” doesn’t have enough sex to make it a decent softcore flick. It’s trying to be a serious drama about broken lives in Los Angeles. Any fool who bought this DVD, (like me), just wants to watch that large breasted woman from the cover do naughty things in the S&M underworld. Alas it is not to be as “Surrender” just wants to let the director explore her kinkier side. There is also an amazing amount of smoking and drinking in this movie as every other scene has someone lighting up a cigarette or guzzling down some booze. Georgia likes to smoke almost as much as Salene does and even has a sex scene where she’s smoking as she rides some guy.

“Surrender” is not worth the time. My fantasy girl was not in it so what’s the point? The S&M scenes weren’t too harsh and the lesbian scenes were fairly weak. I did like the make out session on the couch but that’s the only good thing I can say about “Surrender”. You can let this one go.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 spanked girls

"Chainsaw Sally" review

Chainsaw Sally (2004)

Directed by Jimmyo Burril
Writing credits Jimmyo Burril

April Monique Burril... Sally Diamon
Mark Redfield... Steve Kellerman
Alec Joseph... Ruby Diamon
Kristen Hudson... Cynthia Prescott
Jennifer Rouse... Ice Cream Girl
Lesley Vernot... Tina Gray
Gunnar Hansen... Daddy
Herschell Gordon Lewis... Mr. Gordon
Suzi Lorraine... Miss Busybee

“Chainsaw Sally” is about a girl and her chainsaw. Sally has had a tough life. Her parents were killed by a roving gang of madmen. This incident scars young Sally for life and blossoms her into the bloodlust crazed Chainsaw Sally. She takes on a shy librarian persona for cover. No one will suspect! Chainsaw Sally likes to rip and tear into anyone who is rude and obnoxious. Talkative library patrons, snotty ice cream girls and foul mouthed guys in bars all get to taste Sally’s blade. A rich guy rolls into town to try to sell his property which houses Sally and her equally twisted brother. Will Sally allow someone to sell her psychotic homestead? Not bloody likely.

“Chainsaw Sally” is an amusing flick. Sally wants to have some of the fun that all of the movie madmen have been hogging. She is a student of horror films and wants to get her chainsaw on. Sally has that hot Goth girl look that some guys like. All of the guys who fall for it end up meeting their grisly demise. There’s plenty of blood splatter as Sally takes out anyone who crosses her path. And anyone who annoys her. And anyone she feels like taking out. And so on and so on.

But I have one strike against “Chainsaw Sally”. You can probably guess what it is. Why didn’t Chainsaw Sally get topless? This was the scene I was waiting for but it never happened. There was a great scene where she seduces the ice cream girl back to the Sally pad. They start kissing and life is good. Then Sally’s bloodlust supercedes her real lust and she proceeds to make mince meat out of poor ice cream girl. Would-be horror icons need to get topless. To be a scream queen, the viewer must scream in delight. Wouldn’t it have been great to see Sally drenched in blood while she runs naked through the house with her chainsaw blazing after some unsuspecting dolt? Or am I the only one who thinks like this?

Anyway, “Chainsaw Sally” was OK. If you want to see a freaky Goth girl kill a bunch of imbeciles, (and not get topless while doing it), it’s worth a look. I just hope in the sequel they make up for their Sally mistake and have the psychotic babe get naked while going about her business. Fewer clothes will make her a more efficient killer. Trust me on this. I know these kinds of things. Don’t ask me how.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 psycho Sallys

"World of the Erotic Ape" review

World of the Erotic Ape (2002)
AKA Planet of the Erotic Ape AKA Babes in Kongland

Directed by Lou Vockell
Writing credits Lou Vockell

Bill Randolph ... George Taylor
Lisa Schneider
Julie Strain
Jenny Wallace

A self proclaimed mad scientist and his nerdy assistant invent a device known as a “remote control” which beams in terrible movies from galaxies far, far away. They start picking up transmission waves from a planet where guys in cheap ape costumes have fake looking sex with women. Somehow the mad scientist transports himself into the terrible movie and wacky ape hijinks ensue. The women of the planet have lost their love monkey. They need to frolic with their missing ape or else they’ll resort to non-stop lesbian sex. That ape needs to stay lost.

It’s hard to hate “World of the Erotic Ape”. It’s just trying to please with its various inane scenes of ape loving. There are also plenty of naked women as they get turned on by the bananas on the gorilla’s breath and start pawing each other like animals. There are also a couple of funny spots as the scientist adjusts to his lowly place in the brave new lesbian world.

But having said all that, it’s even harder to like this movie. Running about 60 minutes, “World of the Erotic Ape” doesn’t have much to offer. In the first five minutes, we see an ape have sex with a woman. When I say ape, I really mean a guy in a cheap ape mask and a Hawaiian shirt. The expression on the monkey’s face doesn’t change as he’s having some human loving. Facial expressions would have cost money. After this nonsensical scene is over, we know the movie has no more surprises. The erotic ape has howled and left.

So what else is there? Not much. There are a couple of lesbian scenes but they’re all pretty weak. Every scene is shot with no sound and then dubbed over later. It all looks fake and makes the movie reek harder than it should. When the ladies finally find the ape again it turns into a gorilla gang bang that looks very similar to an earlier sex scene. Endless looping of fake sex scenes does not make for a satisfying skin flick.

After talking to the dirty ape, it turns out that he had run away because he was tired of fake love. I’m with the monkey. Let this love hungry gorilla go. Run free monkey! Far, far away…

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 cheap love monkeys

"Satan's Schoolgirls" review

Satan's Schoolgirls (2004)

Directed by Ted W. Crestview
Writing credits Terry West

J. Scott Green ... Father Thomas
Suzi Lorraine ... Sister Helen
Kerri Taylor ... Tammy
Jane Scarlett ... Julian
Shannon Moore ... Karen
Brandy D'Vinn ... Lily

Do you know what an “establishing shot” is? It’s when you see a shot at the beginning of the scene so that you know where the rest of the scene is going to take place. So if there is an exterior shot of a large building followed by an interior shot of two people talking, it implies that the conversation is taking place inside that building. “Satan’s Schoolgirls” takes the establishing shot to new heights as half the movie is filled with them. The two establishing shots they use and abuse are of the church and of the graveyard. Almost every scene is buffered with an establishing shot. OK. We get it. They’re talking inside the church. You’ve established that fact to death. I understand where they are. Enough!

I’m pointing this out in the hopes that it makes it clear the level of filmmaking quality that went into “Satan’s Schoolgirls”. Running a brisk 60 minutes, (if that), “Satan’s Schoolgirls” did not have much of a movie to flesh out so they had to rely on exciting static shots of the exterior of the church to keep things trudging along.

A priest comes to stay at a church for the summer to help some wayward students. Four Suicide Girls are hanging out and need some guidance. They are Satan’s schoolgirls. The church used to hold a Satanic cult and rumor has it that they’ll be back someday to get their revenge.

Speaking of rumors, there was also a rumor that there was a movie worth watching in the middle of all of these shots of churches but then I watched “Satan’s Schoolgirls” and dispelled that myth forever. The acting is terrible, the effects are atrocious and the establishing shot overload melted my brain with its lameness. But my main problem with this would-be sleaze fest is that it’s not nearly as sleazy as it should have been.

Suzi Lorraine, (AKA Kelli Summers), played the horny nun of the school. Now, you and I know that horny nuns need to get topless. I mean, how can you call yourself a horny nun and not take your bra off? No self respecting horny nun would fail to get topless. It’s especially not right coming from a veteran of Seduction Cinema flicks. What the heck were the filmmakers thinking? They weren’t thinking of me that’s for sure. She even had the perfect opportunity to rip some clothes off when she spanked the disobedient student with the paddle. But alas, she stayed strong and resisted the urge to let her bra fly free. Tragic.

The rest of the movie has the makings of a couple of other sleazy scenes but then they inexplicably fall short. The horny lesbian of the group sees a girl she wants taking a shower. So does she do anything about it? Of course not. She gets slapped and gives up right away. This is not how a Satanic Schoolgirl should have handled her rejection. There’s another scene where one of the girls seduces the big dumb handyman. Does she take off any clothing during her sex scene? Of course not. Why would you expect these girls to act promiscuous? Oh right. The stinking movie is called “Satan’s Schoolgirls” that’s why.

On the plus side, there were two girls who got topless. So that was fun to watch. But there is not nearly enough sleaze-o-rama in “Satan’s Schoolgirls” to justify its existence. If you are going to go over the top and give your movie a lurid title like “Satan’s Schoolgirls”, you better take the time to pack it with some shocking scenes. What I’m saying is, less exterior of churches scenes, more topless nuns spanking student scenes. That ought to do the trick.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 bored Satanic schoolgirls

"Strip For Action" review

Strip for Action (1996)
AKA Hot Ticket

Directed by Lev L. Spiro
Writing credits Lev L. Spiro

Maria Ford... Kim
Emile Levisetti... Halleck
Nikki Fritz... Crystal
Kevin Williamson... Haker

Maria Ford and Nikki Fritz are strippers. So far, so good. Unfortunately for them, a couple of thieves show up at their strip club and decide to knock over the place. After a long strip club slaughter scene, Ford and Fritz are taken hostage. On the getaway trip, the plane runs into some trouble and they crash into the woods. The rest of the movie has Ford and Fritz doing what they can to survive. They must strip to live! Well, not really.

“Strip for Action” is an interesting mishmash of a movie. It’s shooting for the low budget action crowd and throws in a couple of hot babes to snare the rest of us B-movie lovers. Clearly I watched it for the B-movie double overdose that is Maria Ford and Nikki Fritz. When I saw the cover with Maria Ford straddling a stripper pole with a gun in her hand, I knew I had to see this important film. Then when I saw that Nikki Fritz was also in it as a fellow stripper looking for action, it took my craving to see this movie over the top.

In the first ten seconds of “Strip for Action”, Maria Ford gets topless. She also has a sex scene on a desk with the strip club manager so we can get another glimpse of the mighty Fords in action. This all happens in the first fifteen minutes of the movie. They’ve already killed the suspense before the movie can even get started. The rest of “Strip for Action” has Maria clothed as she blubbers and whines her way through her hostage ordeal. Nikki Fritz gets naked near the end of the movie as she strips down in her cheerleader outfit in the woods. Don’t ask why. When Nikki Fritz decides to get naked, just sit back and enjoy yourself.

As for the rest of the movie, it was a fairly violent exercise in B-action. “Strip for Action” is a little more ambitious than the normal B-flick. I thought the whole movie was going to be stuck in the strip club, (as most stripper movies are), but instead the filmmakers went hog wild as they sprang for a plane, a car chase, some white water rafting and various scenes in the wilderness. The main bad guy enjoyed shooting people and he emptied his gun on anyone he could find. His lust for violence led to much blood and screaming strippers.

“Strip for Action” is a decent B-flick. I was hoping for a little more stripping from Ford and Fritz but I enjoyed what I got. So if you’re looking for a heist/wilderness survival movie with two hot B-movie babes, “Strip for Action” is worth a look. You wouldn’t normally think that a heist/wilderness survival/stripper movie would be a reasonable combination of genres but along comes “Strip for Action” to prove it can be done. In the B-movie universe, anything is possible. Not good per se, but possible.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Fords in action

"Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet" review

Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet (2006)

Directed by Fred Olen Ray

Nicole Sheridan .... Kim Read
Christine Nguyen .... Danow
Alexandre Boisvert .... Gary
Brad Bartram .... Prof. Quatermass
Evan Stone .... Decker
Rebecca Love .... Queen Morganna
Syren .... Annie
Michelle Lay.... Audrey
Beverly Lynne.... Video sex girl (uncredited)

“Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet” tells the tale of bikini girls from the lost planet. It is another skin flick in a long line of skin flicks from your late night cable friend and mine, Nicholas Medina AKA Fred Olen Ray. Ray has now gotten into the groove with these movies. He is the undisputed master of B-movie economics. He cranks out two skin flicks for the price of one and a half. The same cast moves seamlessly from one movie to the next over the span of a week, (maybe two), and slams two flicks into the can and onto Skin-a-max before you can say hot naked chicks rule! This time the gang has made “Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet” along with “Ghost in a Teeny Bikini”. We’re definitely a much better society for these late night contributions to horny insomnia.

So two bikini-clad alien women, (Christine Nguyen and Syren), land on Earth to bring back some studly men to the frozen planet of Lesbiania. On Lesbiania, the women are ruled over by topless Queen Rebecca Love. Queen Love has tasked her two bikini explorers to bring the men back so they can help populate the planet with more lesbians! Nicole Sheridan is the horny college student who will help the bikini aliens fulfill their quest by getting men to assist them in their honorable cause.

Before the bikini babes embark on their mission of manly love, they review a video tape back on the mother ship for some guidance. What sexy Earth woman teaches them all about the ways of the bedroom? That’s right. Beverly Lynne steps in from another Fred Olen Ray movie and shows them how to do it. The bikini aliens also learn about female fashion sense from watching yet another Ray flick, “Bikini Airways”. Good to know his movies make it out there to the farthest reaches of the galaxy. So this scene teaches us that everything you need to know about life on Earth can be learned from watching Fred Olen Ray flicks. Was there any doubt?

I think we can now officially say that Fred Olen Ray has a serious bikini fetish. Most of his recent softcore adventures somehow find a way to be about horny women in bikinis. So remember, if you’re ever going to pitch him an idea for a movie, make sure that the word BIKINI is in the title. Like “BIKINI Girls from the Lost Planet 2” or “Busty BIKINI Cops”. Then of course there’s my favorite, “Nympho BIKINI Nurses vs. the BIKINI Biker Babes”. See what I did there? Two BIKINIS! Oh, and bring a couple of ladies dressed in bikini’s to dance behind you while the meeting is going on. Done deal.

Most of the sex scenes in “Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet” are good. Christine Nguyen makes a fine bikini alien. She ends up in most of the sex scenes and delivers in all of them. Nicole Sheridan looks good as always. She has two and a half sex scenes that usually end up with her on a desk or a table. Having sex on a bed is just too predictable for her. Syren also makes a good lesbian from outer space. The best sex scene in the movie had our two bikini aliens getting it on back at the spaceship before embarking on their dreaded “Sex with men” mission.

You know, for a movie about intergalactic lesbians, it’s strange that there was only one lesbian scene. Perhaps even peculiar. It’s also bizarre that Rebecca Love did not have any sex scenes. The Queen should have shown her subjects some royal loving when they made their way back to Planet Lesbiania. It would have been a sweet reward for the bikini aliens and for me as well.

“Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet” is one of Ray’s better bikini adventures. Its running time is shorter than most of his other flicks with very little room for non-bikini related plot but plenty of time for bikini sex. It’s worth a look.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 bikini girls

"Prey" review

Prey (2007)

Directed by Darrell Roodt
Writing credits Beau Bauman Darrell Roodt

Jamie Bartlett
Conner Dowds .... David Newman
Bridget Moynahan
Marius Roberts
Carly Schroeder .... Jessica Newman
Peter Weller

A stepmom, (Bridget Moynahan), and her two step kids take off for a little African safari while dad, (Peter Weller), stays behind to work. While off-roading, the little boy decides he needs to go to the bathroom. Don’t these people have any sense that they’re in Africa where the wild animals roam? Apparently they were born without brains as they are genuinely surprised when a bunch of lions decide to show up to eat them. The rest of the movie has the stressed out family hiding in the car as various lions try to munch on their flesh.

“Prey” is a ruthlessly efficient killer lion flick. It doesn’t waste a lot of time or resources on things that don’t have anything to do with a hungry lion stalking its prey. It’s also one of those movies that require the cast to act stupidly from time to time in order to have something interesting happen. The lions love to attack them when they leave the car. So what do the idiots do? Leave the car of course! Makes sense! What other plan could they possibly have?

“Prey” also makes the unfortunate decision to add a little extra tension to the movie by making the stepdaughter really annoying. She had to compulsively challenge her stepmom at every possible decision with no better plan than “Let’s leave the car now”. Oh, why don’t you shut your whining hole you brat? I was hoping a lion would take a bite or two out of her so she would shut up.

So “Prey” chugs right along with no surprises and an irritating little know-it-all. On the plus side, some of the lion scenes were decent. I especially liked seeing the lions leap at the car in slow motion. When the lions clamp their jaws down on someone’s neck, we get a good healthy blood spray. So that’s good.

But I don’t think that there has ever been a really good killer lion flick. The main problem is that a lion is not especially scary. I’m sure if I saw one up close I’d be praying to God to save me from my imminent demise. But in a movie, they just look like a big fluffy cat. Lions are also not in the habit of making scary faces when they attack. They are as ruthlessly efficient about killing as this movie is about showing it. But if you need a killer lion fix and “The Ghost and the Darkness” is already rented out, “Prey” may be worth a look.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 lions hunting prey

"Curse of Pirate Death" review

Curse of Pirate Death (2006)

Directed by Dennis Devine
Writing credits Jeremiah Campbell Steve Jarvis

Denisse Bon.... Cheyenne
Tiffany Bordelon.... Cindy
Sally Dalton.... Heather
Syn DeVil.... Amber/Female Pirate
Elizabeth DiPrinzio.... Angie
Stacy Michelle Gold.... Mandy
Monte Hunter.... Jack
Ron Jeremy.... Professor Jackson

A bunch of teens decide to mess with an undead pirate. Their teacher pushes them to check out their family roots and go dig for buried treasure. Since most of this desert town was founded by pirates, (and we all know pirates sailed their mighty ships deep into arid wastelands), the teens probably descended from one or two of them. Hopefully their desert pirate blood will boil and they’ll find the hidden treasure of Pirate Death. But the curse of Pirate Death brings, well, death to anyone who steals from him. Many halfwits will bleed gallons of blood as Pirate Death takes a few hundred stabs at them for stealing his gold.

If you were ever confused about what the phrase “B-movie” meant, look no further than “Curse of Pirate Death”. It will clear that problem right up for you. Basically the cast wanders around the desert, picks up some pieces of treasure and then a big zombie pirate, (who’s seen too many “Leprechaun” movies), attacks them while his obnoxious metal soundtrack blasts in your eardrum. When you hear metal, it’s killing time.

The legend of Pirate Death tells the students that his treasure is buried under an orange tree by a big white wall. This area is known as “Pirate Point”. Now you may be wondering what a big white wall is doing in the middle of the desert or how a big white wall even got into the pirate legend in the first place. If you are wondering this, you don’t want to see this movie. “Curse of Pirate Death” is only looking for flimsy excuses to throw blood on pretty girls. Having teens get massacred by a big white wall makes as much sense as having them get slaughtered anywhere else.

Speaking of pretty girls, there are plenty here to share in the blood spilling duties. Only one of them gets naked though. Once again Syn DeVil comes through for the B-movie fans out there and gets topless on many occasions. That kind of dedication warms my heart and other areas. The rest of the women stay clothed until their eventual demise. Shame, shame. I was kind of hoping the teacher was going to do something naughty with her students. She had Syn right where she wanted her but was content to just tickle her. More shame.

On the plus side, “Curse of Pirate Death” hums right along and doesn’t cause too many brain aneurysms. It’s cheap and ridiculous but pretty standard as cheap and ridiculous B-movie’s go. It’s got plenty of blood and lots of screaming women. So if you’re looking for a cheap and ridiculous movie with lots of blood spilling and screaming women, “Curse of Pirate Death” may be worth a look. If you need more from your B-flicks, (like coherence, lucidity, more than one naked woman), you can let this one go.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 swashbuckling Syns

"Suburban Secrets" review

Suburban Secrets (2004)

Directed by Joseph W. Sarno
Writing credits Joseph W. Sarno

Andrea Davis .... Jennine
Isadora Edison .... Laura
John Samuel Jordan .... Nelson Nyland
A.J. Khan .... Louise
Kay Kirtland .... Judith
Chelsea Mundae .... Winnifred
Tina Tyler .... Cynthia

Isadora Edison is coming home to suburbia. Her old boyfriend Nelson is banging every girl he can get his hands on. Now he’s shacking up with Isadora’s Aunt Cynthia, (Tina Tyler). This makes Nelson’s sister Judith rage with jealousy as she wants his lips all for herself. Isadora also wants a piece of the Nelson action and drags him into bed as soon as she lays eyes on him. This all leads to a domino effect through town as the whole city hops in the sack with each other. Whether the sex partners are related to each other is not a concern. It’s actually a turn-on for them if they are.

“Suburban Secrets” brings up an interesting moral dilemma for the viewer. Namely, is it wrong to get off on incest sex scenes? Should I be really getting into the fact that a brother and sister are having sex or should I be repulsed? One of the main strengths of “Suburban Secrets” is that it tries really hard to be dirty. This is something you don’t see in the usual softcore flick as they are normally quite content to have anonymous bodies squirm all over each other. In “Suburban Secrets”, every sex scene is full of lust and guilt. These people want each other and they don’t care if they’ll bump into each other again at the next family reunion.

Now I can’t really say whether it’s wrong to enjoy scenes where an aunt and her niece are having sex but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I loved every second of it. It’s the feeling of uncontrollable lust that makes “Suburban Secrets” sex scenes that much sweeter.

Isadora and her aunt’s sex scene was top notch. There was a lot of kissing on the couch which segued into an extended bedroom session. AJ Khan had a pretty good sex scene as well with Chelsea Mundae and her boyfriend near the end of the flick. I think it’s the first time I’ve ever seen Khan in a sex scene with a man. Actually, A.J. just concentrated on Mundae but it was good to see her branch out a little. Another good sex scene had sinful sister Judith paying a visit to Isadora to convince her to leave Nelson alone. She gave her a lot of nipple pulling and sucking. She was very convincing.

The filmmaking technique used during the sex scenes is what really makes “Suburban Secrets” stand out from the rest of the softcore flicks out there. Their technique was that there was no technique. Every sex scene is shot the same way: Turn on the camera and let them go at it. Genius! No more dive-bombing on the sex or editing it so fast you have no idea what is going on. There are plenty of long takes as the viewer becomes the ultimate voyeur and stares straight out at the couples. There’s also no music used during the sex scenes which adds to the fun so you can take in all of the sights and sounds.

“Suburban Secrets” is one of the best softcore flicks Seduction Cinema has made yet. It’s right up there with their gold standard, “The Seduction of Misty Mundae”. It’s a two and half hour long romp through sinful suburbia. Any softcore fan will get into it. Well worth a look.

SCORE: 3.5 out of 4 lust filled A.J.'s

"Dobermann" review

Dobermann (1997)

Directed by Jan Kounen
Writing credits Joël Houssin

Vincent Cassel .... Yann Le Pentrec aka Dobermann
Tchéky Karyo .... Inspecteur Sauveur Cristini
Monica Bellucci .... Nathalie/Nat the gipsy
Antoine Basler .... Jean-Claude Ayache, dit "Moustique"
Dominique Bettenfeld .... Elie Frossard, dit "l'abbé"
Pascal Demolon .... Lefèvre

I borrowed “Dobermann” from a poker playing friend of mine. Let’s call him the Gambler. He knows when to hold them and when to fold them. And he also knows when to make a mean Jack and Coke. He said “Dobermann” was so good that he went out to the Egyptian theater in Hollywood to check it out. That was enough endorsement for me. I needed a good action flick and “Dobermann” sounded like the ticket.

“Dobermann” is about a bank robbing crew led by Dobermann, (Vincent Cassel). He’s being tracked by a sadistic cop named Kristini, (Karyo). Dobermann has got Monica Bellucci as his girlfriend so he must be doing something right. Kristini doesn’t care who he hurts/maims/kills to get to Dobermann and spends the rest of the movie hunting him down. That about sums up the movie. It’s a thin plot but just enough to hang their fast paced action sequences on.

As action flicks go, “Dobermann” is a cool flick. You know you’re in for a treat when the movie starts off with a giant animated dog pissing on some of the credits. Right away, you know this movie just wants to kick you in the head. There are two big action scenes. The first is a bloody bank robbery and the last one is a drawn out shootout in a club. There’s not a lot of wasted time in “Dobermann”. It goes straight from one action scene to the next.

So if you’re looking for a hyper French action flick, (and who isn’t?), check out “Dobermann”. It’s a good time waiting to happen.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 Dobermanns

"Vampire Sisters" review

Vampire Sisters (2004)

Directed by Joe Ripple
Writing credits Don Dohler

Darla Albornoz.... Dawn
Leanna Chamish.... Det. Jennifer Hunt
Bill Debrason.... Frederick Smith
Syn DeVil.... Tasha
Jeannie Michelle Jameson.... Stacy

Three hot vampire women run a website to lure suckers to their death. If you cough up enough cash on Vampiresisters.com, you are entitled to a sex bonus. Any fool who walks into their house of death to get some vampire loving is leaving with all of the blood drained from their body.

That neatly sums up “Vampire Sisters”. It’s an uncomplicated B-movie to be sure. You are promised sexy women attacking idiots that they pull off of their website and that is exactly what you get. Over and over again. Horny victim knocks on the front door, the vampire ladies do some teasing, and then the blood starts flowing. You want to watch sexy vampires kill people? Say hello to the Sisters.

Speaking of the Vamps, they look pretty good to me. I think I would have fallen into their Venus fly trap too. There’s the tall blonde, (Jameson), the short brunette, (Albornoz) and the large breasted Goth, (Syn DeVil). I’m sad to report that the short vamp does not get naked. She had the best body but still did not give us any vampire breasts. Jameson and DeVil get naked a couple of times and we’re all happier for it. DeVil has the pale look of a vampire while the other two vamps are sporting some serious tans. They must have a tanning booth in the basement.

Overall, I was satisfied with this one. “Vampire Sisters” is not overly sleazy but it gives you just enough blood and breasts to chalk it up as a decent B-movie rental. There’s also a great scene where a lonely French girl shows up at the house in desperate need of some DeVil affection. Syn has plenty of tongue to satisfy her needs and desires. Over the top B-movie scenes is what I like to see. “Vampire Sisters” is worth a look for all those in need of some vampire loving too.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Syn sisters

"Knight of the Peeper" review

Knight of the Peeper (2006)

Directed by Jose Sombra
Writing credits Claude Anders Dan Dare

Claude Anders.... Count DeMarco, the Knight
Tara Ashleigh
Dan Dare.... The Peeper
Anette Durucz
Niki Notarile
Heather Polamis
Tatiana Stone.... (as Tatianna Stone)

Rejoice future sleaze filmmakers! I have found proof that all you need to make a movie is a handful of naked women and a camcorder! It's called “Knight of the Peeper”. It is truly a shining example of bottom of the barrel, rotgut exploitation. Of course, this movie is from the same mavericks of cinema who inflicted “Apartment of Erotic Horror” on us so what the heck did I expect? Something good? Coherent? Watchable? I was expecting too much.

A perverted knight gets executed for being a sex fiend. He likes to take large bites out of female breasts. This doesn’t sit well with the law and the knight is dispatched to his grave. Meanwhile, in another movie taking place 1,000 or so years later, another pervert gets off on hurting women. He likes to peep on them as they strip. Then he takes a stocking and strangles them. These two weirdoes just have to meet.

Through a ridiculous series of events, the knight is resurrected in present day New York. Apparently there were a lot of knights buried in ancient New York. Who knew? It is very believable that a knight would rise from the dead in someone’s basement. Anyway, the knight gets back to business and starts torturing some more women. But first the ladies must dance! The knight wiggles his fingers and the naked puppets shake their bodies. Some other women get naked, the knight and the peeper stare at them and then the movie mercifully ends.

You know, part of me is sad that I have to bash a movie that is only trying to appeal to a guy like me. It would be wrong to call “Knight of the Peeper” a rip-off. The filmmakers tried their best to make a really sleazy movie that whack jobs like me would enjoy. However, the problem is very clear. “Knight of the Peeper” is not a movie. It’s a series of scenes of women taking off clothes and then badly acting their way through unconvincing death scenes.

I mean, seriously, how many times can you watch a women try on lingerie to awful music? And I’m not talking about Nikki Fritz caliber here. I’m talking about the filmmaker’s next door neighbor who really wanted to be in a movie. The only woman worth watching was Tatianna Stone. She does a little strip tease for the horny knight that was worth a little something. Other than that, you are bombarded by scene after scene of naked women stripping to canned music from Hell. It was torture.

Overall, “Knight of the Peeper” is not worth the time. I like watching large breasted women rub lotion on their breasts as much as the next guy but this was painful to watch. You know it’s bad when you can’t wait for the women to get killed just so she’ll stop trying on her stinking underwear! Pick one already! Enough is enough! Stop the soul scarring music! Stop the madness!

SCORE: 1 out of 4 tortured Tatiannas

"Timegate: Tales of the Saddle Tramps" review

Timegate: Tales of the Saddle Tramps (1999)

Directed by Sam Silver
Writing credits Louise Dunkirk

Amy Lindsay.... Grace
Kim Yates.... Jenifer
Michelle Bauer.... Miss Marie
Amber Newman.... Evie
Shannon Malone.... Daphne
Taimie Hannum.... Tawnee

Two desperate housewives, (Kim Yates and Amy Lindsay), go on a tour of an old west town to get away from their neglectful husbands. A magic mirror awaits them in a saloon bedroom. After wishing that they could get away, the two Alice’s jump through the looking glass into a Wild West wonderland. From there the softcore flick cranks up as Yates and Lindsay work as prostitutes and get friendly with the customers. They look for a way back to the future in between various sex scenes with various people.

Surrender Cinema has always been hit or miss for me. On the one hand, Surrender Cinema always has the women who make softcore cinema worth watching. They’ve made plenty of flicks with such heavyweights as Nikki Fritz and Jacqueline Lovell. Kim Yates and Amy Lindsay look good in this one. They’ve also got Michelle Bauer as the brothel madam. She was one of the reasons I rented it in the hope that she would be a blazing example of a horny saddle tramp. No dice. Michelle doesn’t dirty herself with the customers. How sad.

The recurring problem with Surrender Cinema is that they feel the need to wrap their softcore flick in some sort of Sci-Fi/Fantasy setting. The unnecessary plot always ends up distracting from the real cliffhanger of when are these women going to get naked and with whom. Once they finally get around to a sex scene, they crank up the music so loud that you can’t hear any of the action. Every sex scene is shot like a cheesy rock video. It’s not working for me.

In “Timegate: Tales of the Saddle Tramps”, the ladies are wandering around the old west thinking about their husbands they left behind. But wouldn’t you know it; the hubbies pop up as characters in the old west town. So naturally Yates and Lindsay are attracted to them and proceed to take them to bed in the hope that this will make their present-day husbands love them more. So remember ladies, if your man is neglecting you, just hop back in time and bang a look-alike. That’ll solve the problem 100 years later.

Nothing kills a softcore flick faster than fidelity. Watching Yates and Lindsay pine for their husbands is not what horny voyeurs are looking for. It’s definitely not what this horny voyeur is looking for. I was begging for a scene where Yates and Lindsay hop into bed with Bauer so she could teach them how girls do it in the Wild West. What do I get instead? Yates making a move on the town reverend because he looks like her husband. Bleech.

So unless you’re really in the mood to see Yates and Lindsay go back in time and get naked, you can let this one go. The saddle tramps weren’t trampy enough for me.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 horny Lindsays

Note: This picture has nothing to do with "Timegate: Tales of the Saddle Tramps". I just wish it did.

"Blood Sisters of Lesbian Sin" review

Blood Sisters of Lesbian Sin (1997)
AKA Sisters of Sin

Directed by Greg Griffin
Writing credits Lou Aguilar

Justin Gorence .... Johnny Blake
Lara Daans .... Sister Avarice
Heather Lee McIntyre .... Karen (as Heather Lea McIntyre)
Alisa Christensen .... Sister Anger
Jenna Johns .... Sister Lust

“Blood Sisters of Lesbian Sin” is a classic example of the B-movie bait and switch. I believed, like most people who rent a movie called “Blood Sisters of Lesbian Sin”, that there would be generous helpings of bloody lesbians doing what bloody lesbians do. Alas, it was not meant to be. There was a brief bit of lesbian fooling around and I think I may have seen a drop of blood somewhere but other than that the title of this movie is a complete lie. Oh, but there were sisters in the movie. Sisters who hated each other and were never in the same room but hey, they were still family. Maybe that’s why the original title was “Sisters of Sin”. That title makes more sense than the one the out of control B-movie marketing dept. slapped on this flick.

“Blood Sisters of Lesbian Sin” is trying to be some sort of “Highlander” rip-off with a lot of topless women to make the lame fight scenes go down smoother. Three sisters have three different rings that allow them be sisters of evil. The greediest sister, (Sister Avarice of course), wants the other two rings so she can be super bad. One ring to rule them all. She makes a Christopher Lambert wannabe go fetch them for her. This leads to a lot of ho hum fight scenes as our hero ends up at a karate studio and a brothel to fight the other two sisters for their rings. That’s great. Very interesting. But where are the bloody lesbians?

Well my friends, they’re nowhere to be found. There is a brief, and I mean brief, scene where one of the sisters makes a move for Highlander’s girlfriend. They have a quick kissing scene that the filmmakers repeat in slow motion just to try to squeeze some more lesbian goodness out of it. Other than that, the lesbian cupboard is bare. This dog gets no bone. AWOOOOOO!!!

There is also no blood in the movie at all. Many people get killed but blood costs money so therefore we get nothing red sprayed in our face. AWOOOOOO!!! What you do get is lots of unconvincing fight scenes as our main man punches and kicks his way through many assorted bad guys and sisters of sin.

“Blood Sisters of Lesbian Sin” can be summed up in two words: Don’t bother. It won’t kill you if you watch it but why take the time to find out? There are plenty of topless women which saves it from the landfill. But when you put a heavy duty B-movie title on a movie like “Blood Sisters of Lesbian Sin”, you better find a way to have a little truth in your advertising. In that respect, this movie is a lie and needs to be avoided.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 non-lesbian sisters of sin

"Womb Raider" review

Womb Raider (2003)

Directed by Randolph Scott
Writing credits Randolph Scott

Antoinette Abbott .... Natasha
John Bakula .... Tibetan Guide
Mercedes Bin .... Servant Harem Girl
Annie Body .... Milla/Statue Priestess #2
Gustavo Cardenas .... Desert Prince
Lauren Hays .... Cara Loft
Tony Lanfield .... Lord Loft
Roland Lanza .... Dylan/Dr. Scrotus
Randolph Scott .... Prince's Guard #1

“Womb Raider” is all about trying to see how many times Lauren Hays can get naked. Hays plays the Angelina Jolie character from “Tomb Raider” right down to the one strand of hair that keeps getting in her eye. The filmmakers try very hard to get her undressed every five to ten minutes. Who can blame them? Now I know what was missing from “Tomb Raider”. Non-stop Jolie nudity would have saved that flick from mediocrity. “Womb Raider” doesn’t make the mistake of keeping their beautiful women covered up. Hays struts around topless in the desert, the jungle, and anywhere else around the globe she pleases.

“Womb Raider” starts off with Hays pleasuring herself while a ninja wearing platform shoes barges into her bedroom. Thankfully the ninja is a female and wants to invite Hays to a party tomorrow night. They seal the deal with some ninja sex. That’s what ninjas do you know. Break into houses and then inevitably have sex with their prey. At the party, Hays gets an assignment from the big bad guy. Go around the world and have more lesbian sex! And, if you have time, retrieve the lost wombs of something or other because they’re really valuable. I guess. Ahh, who cares? Just make sure you beat down each womb idol guardian with your topless raiding power.

The sex scenes in “Womb Raider” are all about techno music and wind machines. When you feel the urge to start dancing, you’ll know that Hays is about to raid some wombs. Most of the idol guardians are women and if it happens to be a man, they’ll be some ladies around to help the womb raider. So when she spots a sexy woman, you know what that means: Cue the wind machine and crank up the techno!

But even though I saw the unrated version of “Womb Raider”, these sex scenes were pretty tame. Hays has a great body and its fun to see her strip down at every conceivable moment but the sex scenes don’t deliver. The last scene was a real letdown. It has Hays and the blonde Natasha naked in a Jacuzzi but they don’t have sex. Where was the womb raiding when we needed it man?! They just stared at each other’s naked bodies and rubbed lotion on themselves. This was not the grand finale I was hoping for.

Still, “Womb Raider” has its moments. Most of them involve Lauren Hays getting topless over and over again. As a connoisseur of these types of films, I always appreciate the hard work it goes into making sure the nudity demands of the genre are met. So if you’re a Lauren Hays fan, or if you just want to see how many times a Womb Raider can get naked, you should check this out. But if you’re looking for a sex flick with lots of hot Sapphic delights, you can let this Raider go.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 womb raiders