"Attack Girls' Swim Team versus the Undead" review

Attack Girls' Swim Team versus the Undead (2007)

AKA Joshikyôei hanrangun

Director: Kôji Kawano
Writer: Satoshi Ôwada

Sasa Handa ... Aki
Yuria Hidaka ... Sayaka
Ayumu Tokitô ... Mariko
Mizuka Arai
Hiromitsu Kiba
Hidetomo Nishida

The girl's swim team is in trouble. They're the only ones not affected by the hideous zombie plague raging through the school. Luckily for them, chlorine is the only antidote to the virus. As the rest of the school turns into the undead, new girl Aki, (Sasa Handa), and her new girlfriend, (and possible twin), have a long lesbian encounter in the kitchen. When body parts are flying all around you, only sapphic delights can put your mind at ease. After their prolonged lovemaking session is over, they get back to the business of killing zombie school girls. It all ends with startling revelations of mad scientists, secret assassins and flutes that drive women to orgasm. Somehow, it all makes sense in the end.

Well, actually it doesn't. "Attack Girls' Swim Team Versus the Undead" is just as disjointed and incoherent as its title suggests. Hot babe Sasa joins the swim team and zombies attack. That sums up everything you need to know about this movie. The only other thing to know is that Sasa is naked throughout most of the movie and has a great lesbian scene in the school kitchen. She is the highlight of this movie.

That's not to say there aren't other cheap thrills to be had. There is plenty of blood and guts as zombies flail about in hopes of dismembering the swim team. Actually the swim team really doesn't do much to stop the zombie horde. They get slaughtered fairly quickly which leaves it up to Sasa to lay waste to her infected schoolmates. It's later revealed that Sasa is actually a crazed assassin and that a mad scientist has repeatedly seduced her with his magic flute. If you need more clarity on that last sentence, I can assure you that you will derive no joy out of watching "Attack Girls' Swim Team Versus the Undead".

So if you're the kind of undiscriminating "lesbian school girls meet zombie plague started by a horny mad scientist with a magic flute" movie lover like I am, you'll probably find something to enjoy in "Attack Girls' Swim Team Versus the Undead". Sasa is hot enough, (and naked enough), to make up for a lot of the nonsensical madness on display. And have I mentioned the lesbian love scene in the kitchen? Sasaaaaaaa...

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 attack girls' swim teams

Sasaaaaaaa..

"Pets" review

Pets (1974)

Director: Raphael Nussbaum
Writers: Raphael Nussbaum

Ed Bishop ... Victor Stackman
Joan Blackman ... Geraldine Mills
Candice Rialson ... Bonnie (as Candy Rialson)
Teri Guzman ... Pat (as Teri Guzmán)
Brett Parker ... Dan Daubrey
Matt Green ... Ron the Burglar
Mike Cartel ... Bonnie's Brother
K.T. Stevens ... Mrs. Daubrey

Bonnie, (Candy Rialson), is being dominated. Her brother tries to control her but she breaks away from him so she can set off on her California adventure. While walking on the beach, she runs into a black woman who shows her the art of hustling old white guys. They rob and humiliate him but Candy is nice enough to give her mark some post larceny sex. Bonnie moves on from hustling and into the loving arms of a lesbian painter. Bonnie agrees to be a model for Geraldine and eventually becomes her lover. Geraldine wants to control Bonnie in every aspect of her life but she doesn't want to be dominated. Exasperated, Bonnie sneaks a man in to have sex with but Geraldine takes offense to this and blows the man away. Bonnie doesn't appreciate her lovers being murdered and hits the road again. This time she falls for the charms of a depraved art collector who wants to break Bonnie's will. He wants to make her his pet. Bonnie is kept in a cage with the other animals in his collection but it won't be long before he finds out that Bonnie can't be broken.

"Pets" is a very interesting movie. It's basically a sexploitation movie but it's clearly trying to be a little more than that. I bought the DVD because I thought it was going to be a Candy Rialson B-movie sadomasochism showcase. But "Pets" is more interested in exploring themes of domination and submission rather than any sort of sleazy scenes of whips and leather. Although there's a few of those scenes in here as well.

"Pets" is impossible to describe without giving away the whole movie. It's broken down into three parts. The first has Bonnie dominating and taunting the old guy on a hill while her partner in crime ransacks his house. The second act has Bonnie being dominated by her older lesbian lover. The last part has Bonnie being caught in a a sadomasochistic web by a freak with his own private zoo. It's this last part of the movie that the filmmakers have advertised as their main sleaze selling point. As you can see, it worked on me.

But the real selling point of "Pets" is Candy Rialson. She is the ultimate California blonde. "Pets" would not be as much fun to watch without her in it. The movie follows her Malibu adventures as she goes from one dominating situation to the next. Candy is frequently naked in the movie and each scene is a treasure. It's easy to see why everyone Candy meets wants to control her.

So if you need some 70's sexploitation in your life, "Pets" is worth watching. As an added bonus, the movie is presented in horrible shape but that only adds to its sleazy charm. A warning at the beginning of the DVD assures the viewer that this was the best copy of the movie they could get but to not let that stop you from enjoying it. I just wish I had a time machine so I could have watched this in a 70's Times Square theater with some fellow B-movie fans. That feels like the right decrepit environment to get the most out of watching "Pets".

SCORE: 3 out of 4 Candy pets

Candy Candy Candy. I can't let you go.

"The Horseman" review

The Horseman (2008)

Director: Steven Kastrissios
Writer: Steven Kastrissios

Peter Marshall... Christian
Caroline Marohasy... Alice
Brad McMurray... Derek
Jack Henry ... Finn
Evert McQueen ... Jim
Christopher Sommers ... Pauly
Bryan Probets ... Walters
Steve Tandy ... Devlin
Chris Betts ... Hilton
Damon Gibson ... Chuck
Hannah Levien ... Jesse
Robyn Moore ... Irene

"The Horseman" is the story of one man's war against amateur pornography. Christian's daughter has gotten mixed up in drugs and gang bang porn. Her budding film career is cut short when she overdoses after a porn movie shoot. Christian can't stand the idea that his daughter was anything other than the sweet little girl he remembers so he must kill every dirtbag that disparages his memories with the truth. He works his way up the scum ladder, maiming and killing all who oppose his cherished memories of his virginal daughter. Many men will die for exploiting the wrong girl. The Horseman is bringing about a porno apocalypse.

How far will we go to remember people the way we want to? Throughout the movie, Christian keeps fixating on his memories of his daughter as a little girl. This sweet, innocent memory of her childhood is what keeps him alive. When scum try to tarnish his beloved memory, he has no choice but to go on a murderous rampage so his soul can live. Along his path of destruction, he meets a young runaway who briefly calms down his bloodlust. His peaceful moment of humanity is soon taken from him as the pornographers track him down with their own ideas of revenge. More torture and mayhem follow.

"The Horseman" is a pretty good revenge movie. I enjoyed it. I always like seeing unstable men do unspeakable acts in the name of revenge and "The Horseman" certainly delivers. Christian becomes unhinged after watching a porno tape with his daughter in it. He vows to track down anyone associated with the filth and make them pay. Although everyone Christian runs into insists that they're innocent since she willingly came to them, their argument falls on deaf ears as Christian is too busy beating them senseless to listen. But this is what happens when you watch your dead daughter bang her way through "Young City Sluts II". It would drive any father mad.

So if you're looking for a movie where death and mayhem await exploitative pornographers, "The Horseman" is the movie for you. It is a moving film about the lengths a man will go to in order to keep the father/daughter bond healthy even after death. Sometimes you have to kill porn performers, producers and directors to get the cathartic release you need. "The Horseman" is filled with scenes of bloody revenge and it makes for a fine viewing experience.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 horsemen

And I looked, and behold a pale exterminator can: and his name that sprayed it was Death. and Hell followed with him.