"Smash Cut" review

Smash Cut (2009)

Director: Lee Demarbre
Writer: Ian Driscoll

David Hess ... Able Whitman
Jesse Buck ... Isaac Beaumonde
Michael Berryman ... Philip Farmsworth Jr.
Ray Sager ... Reverend Ezekial Boone
Sasha Grey ... April Carson
Jennilee Murray ... Georgina Carson / Gigi Spot

A bad movie review drives a director insane. Able Whitman's, (David Hess), soul needs inspiration so he can start making horror movies that people actually want to watch. He runs into the warm embrace of his stripper muse looking for something inspiring in her lap dance. After a horrific car accident, her mangled corpse provides the spark he needs to start making blood soaked horror again. His movies needed to be more realistic in their portrayal of murder and mayhem. He decides that the only way to get the shots he needs is to kill everyone who has hurt him. Unfortunately it turns out that everyone he knows has hurt him. It won't be long before they all feel the homicidal wrath of an angry B-movie director.

There are a lot of exploitation icons in "Smash Cut". David Hess, Michael Berryman and Herschell Gordon Lewis all make appearances. David Hess is the frustrated director on a homicide binge. Berryman is the nervous studio head and Lewis shows up as intrepid reporter Sasha Grey's boss. The filmmakers wanted to show their love for the exploitation arts so they invited some notorious characters into their movie. While seeing horror and exploitation icons jump back into B-movies can be fun, their appearance in "Smash Cut" feels like the sole reason this movie exists.

I thought "Smash Cut" was going to be vehicle for Sasha Grey to strut her stuff in a horror flick but it turns out the filmmakers are more in love with David Hess. Now I liked Hess in "House on the Edge of the Park" and in other nasty horror flicks but I think the filmmakers priorities are a little skewed. Sasha should have taken center stage here. Haven't watching all of these exploitation movies taught us anything? Women are always the stars of these movies. They scream the best, run from maniacs the fastest and look good taking long showers to wash the blood off of their bodies. David Hess has some fine qualities but not nearly as fine as Sasha Grey.

Sasha Grey is an interesting character. If you've read anything about her, it becomes apparent how deadly serious she takes being a porn star. Rough sex is the brand she's selling and she does it very well. But the filmmakers fail to capitalize on her nasty reputation because they're too busy fawning over their exploitation idols. Sasha runs around the film set trying to find out what happened to her missing family member. It turns out Hess is using her dead relative for props in his movie. While this clearly should have led to a scene where Hess has rough sex with Sasha, (to get her to confess her deceitful sins), the filmmakers decided to let Sasha stay pure and not engage in any sort of carnal activity. For shame.

So without any Sasha Grey sex scenes, (or even nudity!), what else is there? "Smash Cut" is a collection of cheap gore scenes as Hess runs wild over every person he's ever met. Every gore scene is played for laughs as Hess uses a variety of instruments of death to get the job done. A knife, a nail gun, and even a harpoon is used to spill the guts of his enemies. While the blood is plentiful, the effects are too cheap and shoddy to be anywhere close to shocking. Even an eye-gouging scene can't horrify as it's clear that some poor doll is getting its fake eye mangled.

"Smash Cut" has some fun scenes as Hess laments the state of low budget filmmaking by morosely slaughtering his enemies. But it wasn't quite the exploitation movie it could have been. Sasha Grey is featured on the DVD cover and could have shouldered more of the exploitation burden. If the filmmakers would have let her explore her dark side, "Smash Cut" could have been so much more than the standard B-movie it is. You must never let a porn star go to waste. Any exploitation fan should know that.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 intrepid Sashas

Michael Whiteacre and the Adult PSA shoot

Here's a story for your enjoyment of porno stars, PSA's and the beautiful San Fernando Valley. A journey into the unknown for Dr. Gore.

So I received an email last week from director Michael Whiteacre. Mr. Whiteacre wanted to let me know he was shooting anti-piracy Public Service Announcements for the Adult Film Business. It was going to be Monday night in the Valley and I was welcome to stop by. To seal the deal he listed all of the porn stars that were going to be there. The list I received was as follows:

Alektra Blue
Belladonna
Lisa Ann
Kimberly Kane
Charlie Laine
Kaylani Lei
Kayden Kross
Angelina Armani
Joanna Angel
Julie Meadows
Nicki Hunter
Ron Jeremy
Cousin Stevie

This was a tough one all right. A real dilemma for me. A soul searching conundrum that kept me up at night. Did I want to drive to the Valley to see Michael direct porno stars in a PSA? Of course I did. I've been talking to Mr. Whiteacre for awhile and always wanted to see his directing skills in action. That and Lisa Ann is freaking hot.

So I hopped in the car and drove over the hill to the Valley. It was a long and arduous journey that gave me some time to think about the porn star situation I was heading into. I was a bit nervous since I had never been in a room full of porn stars before. I wasn't sure what was waiting for me so my mind wandered off into two extreme possibilities.

The first scenario was a "Boogie Nights" orgy scene with mass carnal activity breaking out as they waited for Whiteacre to shoot their scene. I foresaw a pile of cocaine on the cabinet while techno music and disco balls pumped and swayed through the night. This possibility frightened me as I wasn't quite ready for Caligula in the Valley. But I felt if anyone could direct an orgy, it would be Whiteacre.

The other possibility slowly entered my mind as I got closer and closer to the Valley. I took in the facts of the situation and came to a more rational conclusion than my X-rated fantasy. It was Monday night. The porn stars were working for free. Whiteacre had a lot of people to film in a short time span. There wasn't going to be any party. This was work, work, work. My mind sobered up to the situation. Porn stars don't give it away for free. They'll help out for a PSA but orgies will cost you.

So I finally got to the address after managing to drive by it twice. The shooting location was in a completely nondescript brick building. The kind of building that you would pass a hundred times and never notice. In other words, a perfect location. There won't be any surprise visitors showing up here.

Actually there was a surprise visitor at the shoot and it was me. I walked in the front door and was stared at like I was from outer space. But Mr. Whiteacre's friend Joanne recognized me and said that he was filming. The red light was flashing which could only mean that PSA's were rolling. There wasn't any cocaine in sight but there was a lovely vegetable tray. The carrots were delicious.

When the red light was turned off, I made my way onto the set. After saying hello to Mr. Whiteacre, the PSA train started rolling again. They were getting porn stars to admonish consumers to stop downloading porn for free. But not in an angry tone, (per Whiteacre's direction), but in a disappointed one. I had gotten there around 8:15 so I missed four or five PSA's. The first one I saw was with Alektra Blue.

Now I'm going to refrain from commenting on the individual PSA's as far as who did better than others. Although I have to say Ron Jeremy pretty much nailed it. He reminded me of that scene in "The Simpsons" where Krusty the clown bursts into the recording studio to do voice-over work, gets it in one take and then takes off immediately saying "Learn from a professional kid." Mr. Whiteacre was working like a madman to keep everything on track. I never saw him sit down nor did I see anyone take any breaks. From 6:00PM until 12:15AM, it was non-stop filming of porno PSA's.

The porn star I really wanted to see was Lisa Ann. She was certainly the highlight for me. No one has sex as Sarah Palin better than Lisa Ann. She walked onto the set in a tight purple shirt. So far so good. But I didn't want to interrupt the flow of the PSA shoot with some gibberish about how hot she is so I controlled myself from bothering her. However after Whiteacre was done with his shot, I managed to get a picture of her. Then I got one with me and her together. Notice the uncanny resemblance I have to David Hasselhoff. I wish I could tell you that Lisa Ann and I connected in a deep, meaningful way but I can't. She made a beeline out of the building a minute or two after that picture was taken. Farewell Lisa Ann. We'll always have this memory. Well, at least I will.

After Lisa Ann, the porn stars kept rolling in. Kimberly Kane showed up and was laughing just looking at Whiteacre. He had directed her in the still unreleased "Call Girl Daughters" and she was running the gauntlet of emotions dealing with Mr. Whiteacre.

Aggravated.

Exasperated.

Consoling.

Estatic.

The final porn star of the night was Charlie Laine. I had seen her in "Voodoo Dollz" and was excited about watching her work. She filmed a PSA just like the others but then filmed a second scene which involved taking her shirt off. Thank you Ms. Laine. You've just made my night. To make sure the scene went just right, Whiteacre got on the floor and removed her shirt for her to reveal her breasts. This is selfless dedication to your craft. There were happy-faced pasties on her nipples which conveyed the joy Charlie felt for people who don't steal her movies on the internet. So if you watch the Charlie Laine PSA, just know that it was Whiteacre who stripped her. A cherished memory for me.

I left the Valley that night a changed man. I had seen a parade of porno stars extolling the virtues of honesty and I was a better man for it. It wasn't quite the Boogie Night I thought it could be but in hindsight I'm not sure why I would imagine that. It must be because when I think of Whiteacre, I think of Call Girl Wives, Busty Cops and now Porno PSA's. He always manages to live an interesting life and for one night, I got to partake in a little part of it.


That's a wrap.

"The Hills Have Thighs" review

The Hills Have Thighs (2010)

Director: Jim Wynorski
Writer: Jim Wynorski

Frankie Cullen
Glori-Anne Gilbert
Rebecca Love
Kylee Nash
Brandin Rackley
Julie K. Smith
Diana Terranova

Julie Smith and friends are canvassing the desert for a place to have sex. One of their friends was last seen wandering through the valley of the large breasted cave women and hasn't been seen since. Can't they just let the man be? Maybe he doesn't want to be saved. But since he was good in the sack his friends need to find him. He is being held captive by mutated wild women Kylee Nash and Rebecca Love. They want to keep humping him until they drain him dry or until they find some other poor soul to satisfy their insatiable desire. Julie Smith and Brandin Rackley need to have plenty of sex so that they can have the strength to leave no stone unturned in their quest to ruin their friends cave girl orgy.

Speaking as a man who can't get enough of watching Julie Smith engage in erotic pleasure, I enjoyed "The Hills have Thighs". Horny B-movie kingpin Jim Wynorski invades late night cable with another large breasted homage to himself. Every sex scene has been filmed in some form or another in a previous Wynorski movie so why tamper with a proven formula. This time he is smart enough to let Julie Smith and her amazing breasts have three solid sex scenes. The first one has Julie showing her fidelity to her husband with some healthy marital sex in a motel room. The second scene has Julie and Brandin taking a break from their searching and indulging in some desert sapphic delight. The last scene has Julie under the influence of a sex spell and banging her friend's husband. All of these scenes showcased Julie's carnal skills and left me in awe of her as usual.

One of the exploitation elements you can always depend on in a Wynorski movie is large breasted women popping their tops. You can't depend on much else but I always take comfort in knowing that at least Wynorski loves topless women in movies as much as I do. Kylee Nash is the leader of the cave women and has plenty of cave women sex. She is frothing at the mouth during most of her sex scenes like any horny cave woman should. Her breasts are extra large and she unleashes them in many scenes for the viewer to enjoy. Rebecca Love is another large breasted wild woman who gets to release her cave woman breasts during many frantic sex scenes. Brandin Rackley is fun to watch as she seems to enjoy rolling around with whomever is naked with her at the time. And have I mentioned how much I like watching Julie Smith? Just amazing man. She has to be seen.

"The Hills have Thighs" is a typical Wynorski late night softcore movie. It has Julie Smith and her mind blowing body running wild so you know it's got to be good. Wynorski cut out a lot of filler to create a lean softcore flick that's heavy on sex and not much else. If you're up late one night and the "The Hills have Thighs" is on, it's worth a look. The women are savage and the breasts are abundant. You may want to stay lost in these hills.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 Julie Smith hills and thighs

There's gold in those hills.