"Bikini Bloodbath Car Wash" review

Bikini Bloodbath Car Wash (2008)

Directors: Jonathan Gorman Thomas Edward Seymour

Dick Boland ... Dr. Zartan
Carmine Capobianco ... Coach Smith
Margaret Rose Champagne ... Scarlet
Robert Cosgrove Jr. ... The Chef
Sarah Dauber ... Mercedes
Dana Fay Ensalata ... Sam
Phil Hall ... Professor Shipwreck
Natalie Laspina ... Sharon
Sheri Lynn ... Lucy (as Sheri Toczko)
Natasha Nielsen ... Lonnie
Rachael Robbins ... Jenny
Debbie Rochon ... Mrs. Johnson

I was sent this DVD. I was slightly surprised that the filmmakers wanted to send me a copy of this sequel since I really didn't get into the first movie. I had watched the first "Bikini Bloodbath" while suffering through a near fatal bout of the flu. I drove to Vegas the next day with my friend and almost killed him too. I wrote about my near death experience in the review noting that I may not have been in the right frame of mind for a goofy slasher flick. The producer of "Bikini Bloodbath" was concerned about my health and wanted to see if I was well enough for round two with the bikini babes and their demented chef nemesis. Thankfully, the body and mind is now ready for more B-movie action.

But I since I was in and out of consciousness while watching the first bloodbath, I wanted to make sure I was completely lucid while watching this one. That's why I headed over to Burbank for a Chipotle rendezvous with my friends and had them pick up some whiskey and beer for a Bikini-movie night. We made our way back to their apartment where we met up with my friend's roommate and his big, black dog. After pouring some healthy shots of Jameson's, we settled in for the bloodbath at the car wash.

So Debbie Rochon is running a car wash. I thought she died in the first movie but I may have been hallucinating. The bikini girls work, scrub and basically jiggle around cars while loud metal music blasts on the soundtrack. Through a cheap series of events, the evil chef is resurrected and makes his way towards the babes of Rochon's wash. The ladies all head over to Debbie's pad for a car wash party where she yells and curses at them to shut up and get her more beer. The chef crashes the party and many bikini women will die horribly cheap deaths.

"Bikini Bloodbath Car Wash" is made by geeks for geeks. You know the geek factor is out of control when they name most of the roles in the movie after G.I. Joe characters. Even Cobra Commander makes a really annoying appearance to clue you in to the fact that you are watching the love child of Saturday morning cartoons and USA Up All Night movies. When I saw Debbie Rochon show up looking like the Baroness, I knew the movie was going to be a full tilt geeks on parade.

So in order to really watch "Bikini Bloodbath Car Wash", you have to be in the right frame of mind. We decided to play a drinking game where every topless bikini babe scene earns another chug of beer. Within ten seconds of the movie starting, I was chugging away. My friend's girlfriend played a similar game but she could only chug when the guy's took their shirts off. She did some chugging as well. There are plenty of scenes of bikini clad women jumping and dancing around and even the occasional topless scene to keep you awake. There are also a few gory spots where the chef puts his meat cleaver to good use and slices into some car wash women.

But I was disappointed that the car wash was not a bloodbath. None of the slasher scenes actually take place at the car wash. Not that I'm surprised that a B-movie has a deceptive title mind you but I was hoping for some blood spray on the clean cars. Although there is a knife fight at the car wash which is lifted right out of Michael Jackson's "Beat it" video. No bloodbath during this either but they did have some sweet dance moves.

"Bikini Bloodbath Car Wash" is not a horror movie nor is it an exploitation movie. It's a harmless geekfest that is best enjoyed with friends and beer. Make that lots of beer. My friends did get a kick out of the scene where Professor Shipwreck rolls around on the floor after getting hit in the nutsack. As for me, I'm could use less nut cracking scenes and more topless bikini women running for their lives scenes. Still, there's something about watching Debbie Rochon and friends do battle with yet another B-movie slasher that can make it worth checking out. Just make sure you have plenty of beer handy before pressing play.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 bikini car wash babes

"The Witches of Breastwick 2" review

NOTE: To give you an idea how cheap this movie is, there isn't any cover art for it. The picture above is a fake poster that I stumbled upon. I know it's fake because not one babe, (including the beloved Julie Smith), is in the movie.

The Witches of Breastwick 2 (2005)

Director: Jim Wynorski

Tylene Buck ... Julie
Frankie Cullen ... David
Taimie Hannum ... Kate
Lexi Lamour ... Meriwether
Rebecca Love ... Rebecca
Demi Delia ... Dr. Welby
Antonia Dorian ... Doctor's Aide
Nicole Sheridan ... Genie
Nikki Fritz ... Millicent

I saw this on cable the other night. I thought I might have a little time to go get a drink before the movie got going. I got up and turned my back on the movie for five seconds and the naked breasts had already popped out. You take your eyes off of "Witches of Breastwick 2" for a moment and topless women will be bouncing around. You've got to pay attention during these movies.

So a guy is having nightmares of large breasted women dancing around him. His esteemed therapist, Dr. I.M. Hornee, uses her highly unorthodox sexual hypnosis to see what the problem is. She prescribes a backpack full of Viagra and a hike out to Wynorski's favorite cabin in the woods to see if there are any naked women there. He strikes gold as three sex crazed witches are waiting for him and his wife. This leads to various love making rendezvous in hot tubs, bath tubs and anywhere else Wynorski wants to bark out orders to get laid.

After watching "Witches of Breastwick 2", I was hit with this incredible feeling of deja vu. It's as if I've seen this exact same movie before albeit with different performers. Not only can Wynorski not be bothered with such trivial details as a poster for the movie, he can't even take the time to dream up new sex scenes. He hit the snooze button on his creative mind years ago and yet I keep watching his movies. I think we know who the real fool is here.

The one thing that does change with his movies is the women who get naked at his command. I was slightly saddened that Julie Smith did not return from the first movie as she is the finest woman in B-movies today. Nikki Fritz would fall second on my list but Wynorski couldn't afford having her get naked so we had to settle for a 50 second cameo. Rebecca Love shows up as one of the horny witches and does a great job as always. The other witches were good too in their own sexually insatiable way.

But Wynorski and his lazy modus operandi sink this one. Every sex scene is a rehash from other softcore adventures he's filmed in his cherished mountain love shack. There is yet another scene in the hot tub where three women bounce around the water pretending to have a good time. Wynorski blasts music over every sex scene so he can yell direction at the ladies. It's almost eerie to see all three women look off screen at the same time at some unseen, all knowing horny puppet master. It jars you back to reality as you realize this was made as more of a home movie for his vast collection of girls on film than for anyone else to enjoy.

On the plus side, there are plenty of naked women to help you pass the time until you slip into a late night coma. The only good sex scene was with Taimie Hannum and the two witches in the bath tub. Taimie is great with other women and I enjoyed watching her lather up with the ladies. All of the guy/girl scenes in "Witches of Breastwick 2" are fairly ridiculous as Wynorski has them all humping away at turbo speed. He must have wanted to end quickly so he could get back to the sapphic action. I can't blame him for that.

So if you're up late one night and the Breastwick babes are on, it won't kill you to watch another round of Wynorski. That's not to say the movie is any good mind you but at the hour his movies come on the competition just can't stand up against the well stacked witches.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 witches of Wynorski

"Evilution" review

Evilution (2008)

Director: Chris Conlee
Writer: Brian Patrick O'Toole (writer)

Jonathan Breck ... Col Serna
James Duval ... Asia Mark
Guillermo Díaz ... Killah-B
Noel Gugliemi ... Random
Peter Stickles ... Stanfa
Nathan Bexton ... The Manager
Eric Peter-Kaiser ... Darren Hall
Tim Colceri ... Sgt. Gabriel Collins
Bruna Rubio ... Random's girl
Marie Antoinette ... Infected Tenant
Sandra Ramírez ... Madeline 'Maddie' Gilbert
Katie Cazorla ... Nikki

I was sent this DVD screener. The army is experimenting with a deadly toxin which turns people into mindless zombies. An army captain escapes from the Iraq war to bring this important weaponized biological agent back to America. 28 days later he has rented a terrible apartment in order to continue his research into how his evil red liquid is able to turn an ordinary human into a raging cannibal. The local gangbangers stop by to welcome him to the neighborhood. The captain sizes them up as great guinea pigs. Soon the toxin is released and the mutated zombies rampage through the apartment building.

What is it about the zombies of today? They are so much faster and stronger than their previous incarnations. I miss the old zombies who would lumber around as their limbs slowly rotted away. The current crop of the undead is more athletic and powerful than they were even when they were alive. Dying was the best thing to ever happen to them. The zombies in "Evilution" are no exception as they chase down any fresh meat they see with amazing corpse-like agility.

Once the gangbanger gets infected the movie kicks into gear. The apartment building's residents gets turned into mutants fairly quickly. There's plenty of blood and guts as the zombies harvest various organs for dinner. I can't say I was really shocked by any of the horror scenes as it felt like I had seen it all before. Biting arms, biting throats, blood squirts, screams etc. You know the drill. But I was slightly shocked by the (lack of) nudity on the part of the main B-movie babe.

You can always tell whether or not a girl is going to take her top off in a B-movie by how earnestly she's acting. One of the army guy's neighbors invites him to dinner and shows off her amazing cleavage during the main course. As I watched her act her heart out, I knew she was never going to get naked. She was trying too hard. My fears were confirmed when later on there was a half-hearted sex scene in which she kept her dress on. This is a B-movie sin. Never show off a woman's cleavage unless you plan on having a payoff scene where she rips her top off.

On the flip side of that argument, you can always tell when a woman is going to get naked in a B-movie. This one's not too hard to figure out. One scene had a blonde woman come walking into the hallway with just a towel on as the zombies were running riot. I knew that towel wasn't going to last long. Sure enough, the towel was the first thing to go as the zombies leapt for her naked body. It's that kind of attention to the exploitation details I appreciate. Point for "Evilution" for that scene.

Overall, "Evilution" is a decent B-flick with elements of "Demons", "Shivers" and "28 Days Later". It moves along and gives you a healthy helping of gore to go with your movie night. If you need another fast moving zombie flick, it's worth checking out.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 zombie demons

"Rambo" review

Rambo (2008)

Director: Sylvester Stallone
Writers:Art Monterastelli Sylvester Stallone

Sylvester Stallone ... John Rambo
Julie Benz ... Sarah
Matthew Marsden ... School Boy
Graham McTavish ... Lewis
Reynaldo Gallegos ... Diaz
Jake La Botz ... Reese
Tim Kang ... En-Joo
Maung Maung Khin ... Tint

Rambo loves war. But like all true killing machines, he just wants to live in peace. Rambo makes a living wrangling snakes on the border of Burma. Some missionaries want to go upriver so they can help the Burmese people. Rambo informs them that without weapons, they won't change anything. But the fools insist on going and promptly end up getting captured by the vicious, ruthless, diabolical Burma army. Rambo takes another group of mercenaries into the jungle to save the do-gooders and kill as many enemy soldiers as humanly possible.

"Rambo" is a simple film filled with simple pleasures. Stallone knows that any fan of Rambo wants to see him grunt his way through massacre after massacre. The enemy is no match for Stallone and his never ending supply of bullets. They get blown apart, stabbed, shot, eviscerated with stunning brutality. Only a real man would have the skill to wipe out half the Burma army. Thankfully, there's always a war somewhere for Rambo to polish his neck-snapping skills. Diplomacy, mercy, compassion are all dirty words to Rambo.

Kill or be killed is law of the jungle. It's also a good rule of thumb for a successful action flick. "Rambo" doesn't waste a lot of time on filler. It just jumps in and has a good time laying waste to large assortments of enemy troops. Sometimes it seemed like Stallone had too much help with this mission as some of the mercenaries steal some quality kills from him. I was hoping Rambo was going to handle all of the heavy lifting on his own but I guess it helps to have well armed friends.

Overall, "Rambo" is a fine mindless action movie. I enjoyed seeing Rambo back in action. His knife was getting dull and rusty. It needed some blood to give it back that shine we know so well. As long as there is war, Rambo will be there to cause havoc. Or at least someone just like him.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 Rambo knife guttings

"Basement Jack" review

Basement Jack (2008)

Director: Michael Shelton
Writer: Brian Patrick O'Toole

Eric Peter-Kaiser ... Jack Riley
Michele Morrow ... Karen Cook
Sam Skoryna ... Chris Watts
Lynn Lowry ... Mrs. Riley
Tiffany Shepis ... Officer Armando
Noel Gugliemi ... Detective Anderson
Nic Nac ... Ted The Delivery Man
Nathan Bexton ... The Manager
Joel Brooks ... Officer Wytynek

I was sent this DVD screener. "Basement Jack" is about a guy named Jack who hangs out in basements. He enjoys slaughtering families since his mom treated him so horribly growing up. He likes to start his killing sprees from the basement and work his way up. One of the survivors from a previous family massacre is trying to track him down and tell anyone who'll listen that there is a deranged madman with a basement fetish stalking their town. Of course the imbecilic police don't want to hear any nonsense about basement weirdos and their homicidal tendencies. It all ends with carnage and mayhem as Jack makes his way out of the basement and proceeds to purge his recurring mother nightmares through a healthy dose of chopped limbs and spilled guts.

"Basement Jack" has all the makings of a good horror flick. It has a cool title which brought to mind memories of another madman named Jack. No, not the ripper but "Violence Jack". It was a compelling story about a guy dug out from the rubble who enjoys killing people. I was hoping "Basement Jack" would be a similar tale of those who enjoy violence for the sake of violence. Alas, it was not to be.

Basement Jack has issues. Mommy issues. The movie hammers it home that the reason all this slaughter is happening is that Jack's mom was a reprehensible beast of a woman who enjoyed torturing her son. Even though the mom was played by the great Lynn Lowry, ("Shivers"), I was getting bored to tears with Jack's backstory. Monsters don't need a reason to kill people. They don't even need to like it. It's just something they do. Having your slasher, (who looks like Rob Zombie), flashback to his wretched childhood is not what good times are made of.

Of course the big point against "Basement Jack" is that it's not really scary. Most of the movie takes place during a fierce storm as Jack's inner psycho blossoms when the lighting comes out. But after you've heard two dozen lightning strikes it starts to get pretty comical. For some reason, the movie is obsessed with explaining away every mystery as to why Jack likes to kill. Whether it is lighting or a hatred for the family unit, it really doesn't matter much to the viewer. Just let Jack be all the movie psycho he can be and stop with all of the unnecessary analysis.

On the plus side, Jack did hack his way through many unsuspecting dolts. Tiffany Shepis shows up as one of the cops long enough to meet up with Jack and his sharp knife. There are some decent gore scenes but nothing too outrageous. Overall, "Basement Jack" is a competently made B-flick with a few good scenes. If you're in dire need of a basement loving slasher, you should check it out. Otherwise, you can lock the door and leave Jack in the basement.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 lighting strikes