"Secret Desires of a Housewife" review

Secret Desires of a Housewife (2004)

Directed by Francis Locke

Beverly Lynne
Evan Moore

I bought this DVD. I bought it because I needed to see what secret desires Beverly Lynne had. Guess what? Her secret desires involve sex. Although this time, she actually just wants to watch. Now Beverly is playing the voyeur as other people get it on for her pleasure.

So Beverly and her friend start a webcam business. Beverly gets to be the horny webmaster while her friend auditions people in front of the camera. This is all Beverly’s secret desire as she’s afraid to tell her new husband that she has hardcore voyeuristic tendencies. It all ends with her husband helping fulfill Beverly’s secret desire by having some webcam sex with her hot girlfriend. What a guy.

“Secret Desires of a Housewife” is pretty ho-hum. The only good scene is the first sex scene with Beverly. She walks into the bedroom in the first five minutes of the movie and has some marital bliss with her hubby. This scene is shot in a very slow, lovey dovey kind of way. Usually this would make me retch but it allows the real voyeur here, (me), to linger on Beverly’s body. This is the only Beverly Lynne sex scene in the movie as the rest of the time she is logged onto the webcam watching and watching and watching…She likes to watch. The rest of the movie is a letdown. Beverly stares at her computer as various exhibitionists have sex on her webcam. She was turned on by it all but I was not. This movie also breaks one of the cardinal rules of softcore filmmaking by having the same couple have sex twice. This might not have been so bad if the couple was worth watching. When the first audition was over, Beverly’s friend shouts out, “You are hired!”. I’m not sure if we were watching the same couple. I would have fired them on the spot. I also would have had the guy arrested for impersonating a softcore actor. Oh man, it was bad.

Overall, “Secret Desires of a Housewife” is not worth the time. If you’re in desperate need of some more Beverly Lynne in your life, it may be worth a little something.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 Beverly's in the bedroomBeverly, Beverly, Beverly.

"Motor Home Massacre" review

Motor Home Massacre (2005)

Directed by Allen Wilbanks
Writing credits Allen Wilbanks

Shan Holleman .... Sabrina
Nelson Bonilla .... Roger (as Nelson Bonilla)
Justin Geer .... Benji
Tanya Fraser .... Nicole
Breanne Ashley .... Brooke
Greg Corbett .... Nick

My brother and I watched “Motor Home Massacre” the other day as part of a triple B-movie marathon. It didn’t start off as a triple feature. Eventually, it just kind of evolved into one. That’s what happens when you rent five movies and are not that sleepy. You’ve just got to keep the party going. My brother looked at me after every movie and said, “Are you going to go to sleep or you got one more in you?” I was game. After seven or so beers, so was he. “Motor Home Massacre” was preceded by “Feast” and “Abominable”.

Now at this point of the evening, we were experiencing diminishing returns. We knew that “Motor Home Massacre” was not going to compete with the other two flicks but at 1:30 in the morning, it really didn’t matter. It was a beer filled frenzy that propelled us forward into the last B-movie of the night.

“Motor Home Massacre”. Says it all doesn’t it? A bunch of teens drive off to the countryside in a motor home. They’re heading for a massacre. Someone is waiting in the woods for them and wants to start the massacre as soon as possible. This teen bunch is so annoying, who could blame the killer? Various teens are slaughtered while my brother and I started to slip away into B-movie madness.

“Motor Home Massacre” has one really good kill scene. It’s so good that the filmmakers decided to show it twice. The first time they showed the scene without any naked breasts shots. The second time it was a naked breast bonanza. Can you guess which version I liked better?

*KILL SCENE SPOILER*

The movie starts off with a couple trying to get a three way going with a black woman they meet in the woods. She runs off before the party could get started. This unfortunate turn of events must have upset the killer as much as me because he decides to take the couple out. He kills the guy and then drags the tent up a tree with the girl inside. As she sways back and forth, he stabs the tent without mercy. Later on in the movie, this story is retold to the teens but with the extra color commentary of the woman’s naked breasts. That was some good storytelling. These scenes were pretty good.

*END SPOILER*

The rest of “Motor Home Massacre” was a pretty standard cheap slasher flick. The teens were annoying and didn’t generate any sympathy to their massacre plight. There were a couple of other kill scenes but nothing to get too excited about. By the time the ridiculous twist ending reared its head, I was ready for bed. I had done enough damage to my brain that night. I needed to rest for the next inevitable triple feature.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 massacred motor homes

"Abominable" review

Abominable (2006)

Directed by Ryan Schifrin
Writing credits James Morrison Ryan Schifrin

Matt McCoy .... Preston Rogers
Haley Joel .... Amanda
Christien Tinsley .... Otis Wilhelm
Lance Henriksen .... Ziegler Dane
Jeffrey Combs .... Buddy, the Clerk
Dee Wallace-Stone .... Ethel Hoss
Ashley Hartman .... Karen Herdberger
Tiffany Shepis .... Tracy

My brother and I watched “Abominable” the other day as part of a triple B-movie marathon. It didn’t start off as a triple feature. Eventually, it just kind of evolved into one. That’s what happens when you rent five movies and are not that sleepy. You’ve just got to keep the party going. My brother looked at me after every movie and said, “Are you going to go to sleep or you got one more in you?” I was game. After seven or so beers, so was he. “Abominable” was preceded by “Feast” and then followed by “Motor Home Massacre”.

As we settled into the couch for the second movie of our triple feature, we were ready for some more monster mayhem. “Feast” just rocked the house and we hoped the Abominable Snowman would continue the party. While “Abominable” is not as insane a B-movie as “Feast" was, it was entertaining in its own way.

“Abominable” is about an Abominable Snowman and the hapless losers he decides to eat. A guy in a wheelchair gets sent up to a mountain cabin to get some peace and quiet. You know his trip is not going to result in anything peaceful. We know this because the movie is called “Abominable” and there’s a big snarling monster on the cover. While he stares out his Rear Window, he notices a big hairy guy checking out the hot college girls who have moved into a cabin across the road. Soon the girls will run for their lives as our wheelchair bound hero continues to shamelessly rip-off “Rear Window” next door.

“Abominable” was an OK B-flick. It had some good bloody monster scenes and Tiffany Shepis taking a shower. So that’s good. But I have to wonder why the filmmakers decided to rip-off “Rear Window” as hard as they did. Did they think that an Abominable Snowman movie needed some Hitchcock references to be successful? Personally, I think they should have just concentrated on the girls next door and had the snowman jump into the hot tub with them. Come to think of it, there wasn’t a hot tub scene. I’m already remembering a better movie.

One last thing, once again I must praise Tiffany Shepis.I don’t think I’ve ever seen a Shepis flick where she did not get naked. “Abominable” is no exception. All of the other girls kept their clothes on but Tiffany stepped up and stripped down for all the B-movie fans out there. *SPOILER* She also had the best death in the movie. It involved a shower, a bathroom window and a very impatient snowman. *END SPOILER* Tiffany delivers again. Got to love it.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 hungry snowmen

"Feast" review

Feast (2005)

Directed by John Gulager
Writing credits Marcus Dunstan Patrick Melton

Duane Whitaker.... Boss Man
Balthazar Getty.... Bozo
Henry Rollins.... Coach
Eileen Ryan.... Grandma
Jason Mewes.... Himself
Judah Friedlander.... Beer Guy
Clu Gulager.... Bartender
Krista Allen.... Tuffy
Jenny Wade.... Honey Pie

My brother and I watched “Feast” the other day as part of a triple B-movie marathon. It didn’t start off as a triple feature. Eventually, it just kind of evolved into one. That’s what happens when you rent five movies and are not that sleepy. You’ve just got to keep the party going. My brother looked at me after every movie and said, “Are you going to go to sleep or you got one more in you?” I was game. After seven or so beers, so was he. “Feast” was followed by “Abominable” and then “Motor Home Massacre”.

“Feast” is about monsters attacking people in a bar. The end. It is a simple, stripped down, gory monster flick. No frills. No fuss. Just blood and guts. The who, what, where and why of the monster’s reason for being or attacking is not discussed. When you get down to it, it’s not that important. What is important is that monsters are ripping people apart as disgustingly as possible. “Feast” delivers the monster thrills.

I thoroughly enjoyed “Feast”. This is the kind of B-movie I always dream about renting. This movie completely understands its audience. The monsters attack without mercy and the people fight for their lives. Done and done. There were many fine gore scenes in this one. The most disgusting had to be the horny little monster going to town on the woman’s face. Then she spits out his monster love juice. Yuck-o. That had us cringing. And laughing.

“Feast” is a must see for B-movie fans. It has everything you could want from a monster movie. Monsters? Check. Blood? Lots of it. Dismemberments? Absolutely. Emmanuelle, (Krista Allen), with a shotgun pounding a monsters face in? Heck yeah! The only thing missing from “Feast” is some gratuitous nudity. They had a lot of hot babes in this one, especially Krista, and no nudity. But with this much senseless bloodshed going on, I can let it go and just enjoy the mayhem.

SCORE: 3.5 out of 4 killer Kristas

"Shadow: Dead Riot" review

Shadow: Dead Riot (2006)

Directed by Derek Wan
Writing credits Michael Gingold Richard Siegel

Tony Todd .... Shadow
Erin Brown .... Crystal
Tatianna Butler .... Mondo
Carla Greene .... Solitaire
Andrea Langi .... Elsa Thorne
Ruby Larocca .... Rage

“Shadow: Dead Riot” is a horrible title for a pretty fun movie. It’s all about an inmate named Shadow, (Tony Todd). He causes the dead to riot. OK, so the title makes sense once you see the movie but it doesn’t grab you when you’re strolling through the video store like “Woman’s Prison Zombie Massacre!” would have.

So Shadow gets executed and is buried in the prison yard. Years go by and the prison is changed into an experimental woman’s prison. Of course it is. What else would it turn into? Shadow hears the woman’s prison movie happening above his lonely grave and knows that he needs to join the party raging above him. From there, the movie writes itself as zombies, horny prison guards and mutant babies all converge for a final B-movie explosion.

“Shadow: Dead Riot” is made for B-movie fans by B-movie fans. Some serious students of exploitation flicks made this movie. It attempts to take a lot of different genres of B-cinema and mush them together. There are plenty of movie references to entertain you. One scene has a zombie getting kicked onto a pipe. It goes through his mouth so he ends up looking like the dead girl in “Cannibal Holocaust”. There are also references to “Story of Ricky”, “It’s Alive” and in a particularly nasty scene, “Burial Ground”. Those mutant babies sure are hungry.

Overall, I enjoyed “Shadow: Dead Riot”. It moved right along and gave me the B-movie fix I needed. I’m not an addict though. OK, maybe I am. Why stop when it feels so good?

One last thing, my one complaint against “Shadow: Dead Riot” is the lack of lesbian prison action. This was disappointing. It was especially heartbreaking when the main prison guard had the prisoner in the shower. This scene was moving along just like it should when it screeched to a halt thanks to the warden’s coitus lesbian interruptus. This was not right. The guard didn’t even get naked! Come on man. It clearly states above every woman’s prison main gate, “Abandon all clothes, ye who enter here.” Any B-movie scholar should know that.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 shower riotsNow the prisoner on the right looks familiar. What was her name again? Erin Mundae? Misty Brown? I get them confused.
The main prison guard is called Elsa Thorne, a reference to the greatest of all woman's prison movies, "Ilsa" and the lovely Dyanne Thorne. Too bad this scene didn't lead anywhere interesting either. What would Ilsa have done?

"Apartment of Erotic Horror" review

Apartment of Erotic Horror (2006)

Directed by Kiki de la Crica

Darian Caine
Tatiana Stone (as Tatianna Stone)
Anette Durucz
Tara Ashleigh
Carmen Marie Vese

The first thing to do when contemplating renting the “Apartment of Erotic Horror” is to toss the word “Horror” in the trash. The second thing to do is to take the word “Erotic” and shove it down the garbage disposal. “Apartment” is the only word in the title that means anything as the entire movie revolves around one guy’s sleazy apartment and the naked models that are unlucky enough to be there.

When it comes to B-movies with outrageously sleazy titles, I am an out of control maniac. When I heard that Darian Caine was in a movie called “Apartment of Erotic Horror”, I knew that this was a film I had to see as soon as possible. That's right I said:God, I’m an idiot. Somebody stop me before I waste all my money on junk like this.

“Apartment of Erotic Horror” is about a guy who likes to take pictures of naked girls in his apartment. So far, so good. The movie is built on a solid B-movie foundation. Exploiting naked girls in a cheap apartment is what makes the sleaze movie world go round. Then they decide to throw in a monster that likes to attack the girls after we get tired of seeing them naked. The “monster” consists of a pair of black gloves that strangles the girls as white strobe lights flash and make you go blind.

But this movie is so cheap and terrible that it can’t afford to do anything more than that. The monster scenes are pathetic. They had to use a strobe light to disguise the cheap gloves which would have probably fallen off if there was a close-up of them. Most of the movie has no dialogue except for a voice-over from the main sleazebag. Darian Caine and Tatianna Stone say absolutely nothing. They probably couldn’t afford to pay them if there was any talking. Instead they use some horrible canned music over their sex scene. Where did they get this music? It sounds like something they lifted off of a 1960’s skin flick that played on 42nd street. Let’s just say there were a lot of saxophones and bongos. Let’s also just say that I was going insane listening to it.

So a bunch of girls show up at this guy’s pad, get naked, take some pictures and are then strangled by a monstrous pair of black gloves that only like to kill when disco lights are flashing. Most of the movie is taken up by the photographer taking pictures of naked girls. Who knew it could be so boring? That’s what happens when you drag each scene out for 15-20 minutes. The same poses, the same girls, zzzzzzz…

The only thing that saves this movie from the landfill it so richly deserves is the sex scene between Caine and Stone. That was pretty good. They start off posing for wrestling pictures. Then, of course, they end up in bed together. Tatianna has a nice body and Caine is good as usual. Their sex scene is the first scene in the movie. After watching it, I was filled with some hope that there might be some more erotic horror waiting for me. It turns out that it was just a trick to get me to believe there was something else worth watching.

Nail the eviction notice to the door and condemn this apartment of erotic horror to B-movie oblivion.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 apartments of sleazy horror

"Kristy Comes Home" review

Kristy Comes Home (2005)

Directed by Francis Locke

Tabitha Stevens
Shyla (as Amanda Auclair)
Brittany Skye (as Brittney Skye)

I bought this DVD. I bought it because I needed some more Amanda Auclair, (Shyla), in my life. “Kristy Comes Home” has Amanda on the cover while a guy looks over his shoulder. She is also featured on the back of the DVD. Logically, I figured she was the star of this movie and probably played a girl named Kristy.

How wrong I was. Kristy was actually played by Tabitha Stevens. She’s the hot star who is being courted to be in an insane producer’s next film. “Kristy Comes Home” consists of about five different scenes of a dumbstruck director and a hyperactive producer auditioning girls to star in their movie after Kristy leaves for Cancun. I’m not ruining anything by telling you that Kristy comes home at the end. The title "Kristy Comes Home" spells out everything you need to know. Oh, except for the small fact that Amanda is not the star of this movie.

Now, if I was the producer, I would have been begging Amanda to be in my movie. I really wanted to watch “Amanda Comes Home”. Her sex scene was the best in the movie. She has great breasts. My God, they’re magnificent. And she always looks like she’s having a good time. She is clearly the girl you should be on your knees pleading for. One thing that is rare for these movies is how entertained I was by the non-sex scenes. The guy playing the producer was hilarious. “That was great! I’m in tears! I’m going to buy some tissues. Great! Except I don’t want to be crying. Let’s try something else. Go to page 56.” He had me laughing. The director was good too. He had a completely baffled look on his face when the producer was going off on him.

But as a softcore flick, “Kristy Comes Home” is not that great. It has the director auditioning a girl while the producer goes insane. Then the director and the girl have sex. The end. Amanda is the second girl he auditions/has sex with and it rocks the house. The rest of the scenes were fair at best. There’s not a lot of variety here. Amanda, please come home. We need a couple more auditions.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Amanda auditions

"Left in Darkness" review

Left in Darkness (2006)

Directed by Steven R. Monroe
Writing credits Philip Daay Jane Whitney

Monica Keena .... Celia
David Anders .... Donovan
Tim Thomerson .... Joe
Chris Engen .... Doug
Tarah Paige .... Rachel

I was sent this DVD. You ever see the movie “Turbulence”? You know, the one with Lauren Holly and Ray Liotta? It’s about a mad killer, (Liotta), who escapes from his captors on a plane. Somehow he manages to kill or incapacitate everybody else on the plane, except for the stewardess played by Lauren Holly. Well, Holly is clearly no match for Liotta so she locks herself in the cockpit. But because the movie would be pretty dull if she stayed there, the filmmakers dream up some stupid reasons for her to leave the cockpit and get into trouble with Liotta. She leaves her hiding places many times during the movie so she can have more fights with Liotta. No sane person would do this but the filmmakers need her to act like a moron in order for the movie to work.

Well, “Turbulence” was the movie that came to my mind while I was watching “Left in Darkness”. It stars that cute girl from “Entourage” who was Eric’s psych major girlfriend, (Monica Keena). She goes to a frat party with her equally hot friend. While there, they meet some lunkheaded frat boys who want to slip them some date rape drugs. Monica OD’s and dies in the frat house basement. But she’s not quite dead yet. She has been “Left in Darkness”. She’s in some sort of purgatory between Heaven and Hell. Her purgatory looks just like the frat house she was in except no one can see her. So she becomes a ghostly presence in the real world while in her purgatory she is chased by soul eating demons who want to snatch her if she strays from the light.

What light you ask? Here’s where the “Turbulence” connection comes in. You see, you can only stay in purgatory for so long. The “light” is what keeps all the monsters away so you can get your soul to heaven. The “light” is a fluorescent light inside the frat house which will keep you safe. It slowly goes out room by room as your time ticks away. Now, as you can see, the filmmakers of “Left in Darkness” are stuck facing the same dilemma as the “Turbulence” filmmakers. If they let this girl act intelligently, she’ll stay in the light and keep things safe until she can find her stairway to heaven.

Of course they don’t do that as that would lead to an uneventful movie. So Monica takes great effort to get herself thrown into the pit of Hell with every chance she gets. She runs out of the light like an idiot many times. Her guardian angel comes down to help her but Monica couldn’t care less. Her dead grandfather shows up to try to tempt Monica out of the light. Her guardian angel warns her that he is not as he seems. Do you think Monica will listen? Of course not! Let granddad demon in!

“Left in Darkness” only works if you let Monica act like a fool so she can imperil her soul at every turn. I started to get annoyed watching her act like a suicidal imbecile. On the plus side, “Left in Darkness” does have some interesting thoughts on the afterlife. Like purgatory looks like a frat house. Come on, that’s kind of interesting. And if I had to spend an hour and a half watching a girl run around with the dead, having Monica Keena to look at is a pretty good way to spend it. Overall, “Left in Darkness” is a fair movie if you can accept the plot device that Monica must have the self-preservation instincts of a lemming for it to work.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Monicas stuck in darkness

"Apocalypto" review

Apocalypto (2006)

Directed by Mel Gibson
Writing credits Mel Gibson Farhad Safinia

Rudy Youngblood .... Jaguar Paw
Dalia Hernandez .... Seven
Jonathan Brewer .... Blunted
Morris Birdyellowhead .... Flint Sky
Carlos Emilio Baez .... Turtles Run

“Apocalypto” is one of the greatest jungle exploitation movies ever made. “Cannibal Holocaust” still rules the jungle but “Apocalypto” comes in a close second. Ruggero Deodato should be proud of the carnage he's helped inspire. We’ve come a long way from the days of “Cannibal Holocaust”. While Deodato’s film was vilified for excessive violence, Gibson’s movie may win awards.

“Apocalypto” is a bloody action movie. The only thing unique about it is that it has subtitles. The plot is no different than any movie starring Steven Seagal, Arnold Schwarzenegger or Mel Gibson. A man of peace, (“The Patriot”), has his family attacked in the jungle. While his pregnant wife and child stay behind at the village, he is dragged to a decadent city to be sacrificed. The rest of the movie has our hero using the jungle to get his revenge against his monstrous enemies, (“Predator”).

Mel Gibson is clearly a man who loves violence. I have only one thing to say about it. (Homer Simpson voice) WOO-HOO! “Apocalypto” was full of blood, guts, severed heads, hungry jaguars, and many scenes of sadism and dead bodies. I was in tears when I was watching it. Tears of joy! Here’s a man who explicitly understands what action fans want to see. My dad and I called each other after watching it. “How about those severed heads? After the third one rolled down the stairs, I was cheering.” There’s nothing like a violent jungle action movie to bring a family together.

So if you’re in the mood to see some jungle carnage, I strongly recommend “Apocalypto”. Don’t go into this movie thinking you’re going to get a thinking man’s discourse on the fall of the Mayan civilization. This is not a history lesson. "Apocalypto" showcases Mel Gibson’s skills in filming action and carnage. He does both very well.

SCORE: 3.5 out of 4 revenge-crazed action heros

"Shock-O-Rama" review

Shock-O-Rama (2006)

Directed by Brett Piper
Writing credits Brett Piper

Erin Brown .... Rebecca Raven (as Misty Mundae)
Julian Wells
Erika Smith
Caitlin Ross
A.J. Khan

Ahh, Misty Mundae. Sweet, innocent… hey…wait a minute. What is this? Erin Brown? Misty Mundae is now called Erin Brown? When did this start? I have to call her Erin Brown? Erin Brown. Erin Brown. No, no. It’s just not working for me. She’ll always be Misty Mundae to me. There’s no escaping the past as I suspect she’ll be kissing girls in movies no matter what name she gives herself. That’s not such a bad life.

Anyway, this brings me to “Shock-O-Rama”. The movie feels like Misty Mundae’s kiss off to Seduction Cinema. They got the Mundae kiss of death. Its three movies wrapped around the gripping tale of Rebecca Raven, (Misty Mundae), getting tired of making B-movies and deciding to give her bread and butter the finger. I was amused to hear Mundae’s tirade against her fans. This scene sounded like Mundae getting a lot of frustration off of her chest. You know, the usual B-movie star griping about how all her fans are losers and they simply like her because they can masturbate furiously watching her movies in mommy’s basement. Well, if it makes her feel any better, I treat my mommy’s basement with the utmost respect. I would never watch one of her movies there. Now at my apartment, that’s a whole other party! My neighbors have to bang on the wall to get me to turn down her moans and sighs as she rubs herself all over some naked woman, usually Julian Wells. Good times man. Good times.

After storming out of the B-movie studio, Mundae heads off to the country to get some peace and quiet. Peace and quiet away from those stinking B-movie fans who only want to see her naked! Can you believe it?! Too bad for her that there’s one more fan waiting for her at the house, a blood thirsty zombie. He tries to put Mundae in the ground but she’ll have none of it. She is a B-movie star whether she likes it or not. She’ll show him who’s in charge of this movie.

Back at the studio, the bosses need to decide about whom they could possibly replace Raven/Mundae with. They watch two short movies in the hopes that some larger breasted woman will save their studio from ruin. The first one has Caitlin Ross and the big guy from “Screaming Dead” doing battle against some midget aliens in a junkyard. The studio head gets upset when Caitlin does not show off her beautiful breasts. Who can blame him? The second movie has Julian Wells conducting dangerous sleep experiments on A.J Khan and some other women. Unfortunately, the dreams do not involve a large all-girl orgy but instead are all about scaring the subject to death. There is a lot of nudity in this section of “Shock-O-Rama” as Julian, A.J. and Caitlin all excite the studio boss and me as well.

How about that Caitlin Ross? I was as dismayed as the studio head when she didn’t get naked with the midget aliens but then she bounces back in the Julian Wells section. Yeah, she’s walking around naked while covered in blood. That’s what I like to see. I’m a believer. A.J. Khan shows up as a guinea pig for Julian Wells sleep experiments. Her first dream has her walking around in a school girl uniform. You've got to love that. And I do! Julian takes an interest in her and becomes a horny Freddy Krueger in A.J.’s nightmare on Wells Street. It’s always good to see Julian play the serious doctor/scientist type who wears glasses and has her hair up. Of course we all know why filmmakers have “smart girls” look like that. So that Julian can slowly take off her glasses and shake her hair down when she's ready to get frisky.I love that. Wells is good in her section as an evil Dr. Feelgood. She gets naked a lot and there is much rejoicing.

“Shock-O-Rama” is a fun flick. I enjoyed it. It’s especially fun if you’re a B-movie fan who has seen more Misty Mundae movies than you should. You could take it as a goodbye from Misty Mundae or you could just enjoy it for the B-movie stew that it is. Either way, it’s worth a look.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 angry Mundaes There she is.
You know who. Ooooo, Dr. Julian. Makes me say mmmmmmmm...yes doctor.

"Exorcist: The Beginning" review

Exorcist: The Beginning (2004)

Directed by Renny Harlin
Writing credits William Wisher Jr.

Stellan Skarsgård .... Father Merrin
Izabella Scorupco .... Sarah
James D'Arcy .... Father Francis
Remy Sweeney .... Joseph
Julian Wadham .... Major Granville
Andrew French .... Chuma

I was in Florida when this movie came out. I was just about to leave when Hurricane Frances came rolling straight at me. I wasn't going anywhere. We spent all day putting up storm shutters to try to stay ahead of the destruction barreling our way. We had to improvise a little bit when the brain surgeons who installed the shutters forgot to give us a crucial piece. So where there once would be shutters, there was plywood. I had never lived through a hurricane before. If you want to experience death knocking on your door, window, roof, etc., I recommend going through a Category 2 hurricane. For even more fun, we tried walking the dogs during the storm. When the second branch wizzed by my head, I decided it was time to hide from Frances. Ahh, good times.

So you're asking yourself, what does any of this have to do with "Exorcist: The Beginning"? One word: Apocalypse. Father Merrin heads to Africa. There's something funky happening in a buried church. What the heck is going on? Is there a demon involved who wants to possess people? Is the movie called "The Exorcist"?

I thoroughly enjoyed "Exorcist: the Beginning". It's not a great movie but it has its charming B-movie ways. There are plenty of vicious gore scenes to keep your mind occupied as you wait for the Exorcism scene. That scene is the key to the movie's success.

*SPOILER ON ENDING*

So throughout the movie, we think that the little kid is possessed by a demon. As I'm looking at the kid, I realize that he won't be able to handle acting like he's possessed by a scary demon with a deep voice. He's just not a good enough actor. So I resigned myself to another mediocre horror movie ending. Then, in a pure B-movie madness moment, the filmmakers let the woman with the heaving breasts be the demon's plaything. YES!!! Good call! The Exorcism scene lasts for about twenty minutes and it has all the right ingredients. Foul mouthed demon, deep voice, slinking on walls and large demonic breasts all make for a satisfying conclusion.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 Florida apocalypses

"Silver Bullet" review

Silver Bullet (1985)

Directed by Daniel Attias
Writing credits Stephen King

Gary Busey .... Uncle Red
Everett McGill .... Reverend Lowe
Corey Haim .... Marty Coslaw
Megan Follows .... Jane Coslaw

"Silver Bullet" is a werewolf movie done right.

Marty, (Corey Haim), is a handicapped kid with a snotty sister and the coolest Uncle in the world, (Gary Busey). I would have liked to have had an Uncle like that. One that would have bought me beer, dangerous fireworks and various other life threatening thrills. Sigh. Of course I didn't. But that is neither here nor there. Gary Busey is Marty's best friend. But even he has trouble believing that Marty did battle with a werewolf. His drunken Uncle is the only grown-up who can possibly help.

This movie is great for two reasons. One is Gary Busey. This must be one of his best roles. He should play a good guy more often. He's great in this one. Secondly, the werewolf is shown as an evil blood thirsty beast, not as some misunderstood, confused human who happens to get hairy when the moon is full. A lot of werewolf movies show the action from the werewolf's point of view. Empathy with the beast is always bad. Here we have our heroes trying to solve the bloodbath mysteries by looking for the wolf in human skin.

"Silver Bullet" is also respectful of the werewolf legend. The title says it all: You need a Silver Bullet to kill a werewolf. Period. The End. I hate it when movies mess with the legends for these monsters. The rules for killing them are etched in movie stone.

Very enjoyable werewolf flick. Busey and the Beast.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 Uncle Buseys

"Mimic: Sentinel" review

Mimic: Sentinel (2003)

Directed by J.T. Petty
Writing credits J.T. Petty

Karl Geary .... Marvin
Alexis Dziena .... Rosy
Keith Robinson .... Desmond
Rebecca Mader .... Carmen
Amanda Plummer .... Simone
John Kapelos .... Detective Gary Dumars
Lance Henriksen .... Garbageman

If these mimics get any better with their camouflage, they’re going to have to rename the movie “Clone”. The mimics are back...again. The filmmakers weren't happy with the direction the "Mimic" movies were heading in so they decided to run the franchise into a wall. So there's an environmentally sensitive guy hanging out in his apartment taking pictures. I mean, a lot of pictures. As he looks out his REAR WINDOW, he notices strange Mimic shenanigans below. Why won't anyone believe him?! Could it be because he is one of the most annoying movie characters I've ever laid eyes on? Yes! Mimics do their Mimic thing and Bubble Boy becomes a Mimic voyeur.

The "Mimic: Sentinel" fatality is the lead character. I can't feel sorry for him. I can't feel anything for him. Bubble Boy is the key to this movie's failure. So when the Mimics finally get around to doing something, the camera shifts back on him so we can catch his reaction to the Mimic Street below. All I could think was, Hey stupid! Take a stinking picture instead of standing there like an idiot! Isn't that your hobby? Your life? What the heck good are you? In one scene, he knocks on his mother's door to dish out some coitus interruptus. The poor mom hasn't had sex in forever and her annoying 20-something kid bangs on the door to babble something about Mimics. All of this adds up to the makings of a very unlovable main character. Worthless and whining creep. I was rooting for the Mimics to finish him off.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 hungry for bubble boy mimics