"Pig Hunt" review

Pig Hunt (2008)

Director: James Isaac
Writers: Robert Mailer Anderson, Zack Anderson

Travis Aaron Wade ... John Hickman
Tina Huang ... Brooks
Howard Johnson Jr. ... Ben
Trevor Bullock ... Quincy
Rajiv Shah ... Wayne
Jason Foster ... Jake
Nick Tagas ... Ricky
Phillip K. Torretto ... Beer Belly Redneck

I was sitting next to a woman on an airplane when the conversation turned to pig hunting. She wanted to move back home to Washington D.C. but her husband really wanted to stay in Augusta, Georgia. I asked her what was in Augusta that her husband liked so much. "Well, he hunts wild pigs on the weekend." Really I said. I had no idea you could hunt pigs. They seemed very domesticated to me. "Oh, the pigs in the woods can kill you," she said. I asked her what kind of gun her husband used to hunt pigs. She looked at me like I was a complete idiot. "You don't use a gun to hunt pigs." Oh, so what does he use? "He uses a knife", she said. A knife? "Yes, a knife. He waits in the bushes until the pig gets real close. Then he jumps on their back and stabs them in the neck." OK, I said. This woman will never convince her husband to give up Augusta. When you're a man's man who slits pig's throats in the woods for fun, Washington DC just won't have the same appeal.

It was this story that was bouncing through my head while watching "Pig Hunt". A bunch of friends head up to a cabin to hunt pigs. While there, they learn about the legend of a giant boar that roams the woods. This mighty pig, (called the Ripper), may or may not have killed one of the guy's uncle. They go hunting through the woods, (with guns), and run into a lot of different things besides pigs. They cross paths with angry hillbillies, weird hippies and a cult of pig worshiping women. But the giant boar remains elusive until the bitter end in a movie that may or may not have been about pig hunting.

"Pig Hunt" seemed like a sure thing. A safe bet for an exploitation movie. When I saw the cover art showcasing a drooling pig standing on a pile of bones, I knew this movie was heading in the right direction. Then when I read the back of the DVD which promised a cult of lesbian women who worshiped the giant pig, I thought this movie was going to be pure sleaze genius. Just like most movies I watch, I went in with high hopes.

Alas, "Pig Hunt" did not deliver on it's grimy sleaze potential. The movie strains itself to show everything that could happen to some misguided hunters in the woods except for the most crucial aspect of pig hunting. They forgot to show the pig. Where's the pig? Why is he not ripping people to shreds every ten minutes? For that matter, where's the lesbian cult? Why aren't they kissing each other while riding wild pigs through the woods? Well, maybe that's asking too much. But there should have been a lot more pig hunting in "Pig Hunt".

Instead of scenes of monster pig carnage, we are treated to scene after scene of annoying rednecks taunting and attacking the hunters. Who cares about the stupid rednecks? This isn't "Deliverance with Pigs". This is "Pig Hunt". Bring on the lesbian pig cult! By the time they get around to showing the pig, the movie is almost over. The giant boar finally lumbers into view in the last fifteen minutes. The beast pants and wheezes his way through one last gory slaughter and then the hunt comes to an end.

"Pig Hunt" seemed like it would be an instant sleaze classic but instead it turned out to be another forgettable B-flick. It's an ambitious movie that tries to cram in a lot of different subjects but should have stuck to pig hunting. And real men don't hunt pigs with guns. That's what I've been told. "Pig Hunt" got that wrong too. Well, I guess these hunters were beginners so maybe they needed guns. Best to leave the real pig hunting to the experts.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 hogzillas

"Mega Snake" review

Mega Snake (2007)

Director: Tibor Takács
Writers: Boaz Davidson Robby Robinson

Michael Shanks ... Les Daniels
Siri Baruc ... Erin
Michal Yannai ... Fay (as Michal Yanai)
Ben Cardinal ... Screaming Hawk
John T. Woods ... Duff Daniels
Todd Jensen ... Big Bo
Nick Harvey ... Cooley

The snake wrangling church needs a new snake to shake up their Sunday services. But why settle for a normal snake when you can have a mega snake? The pastor of the church heads over to a snake store run by a surly indian named Screaming Hawk. The mega snake is not for sale as it has many restrictions on ownership. Faster than you can say "Gremlins", Screaming Hawk lays out the three rules of proper mega snake handling. Don't let the snake out of the jar. Don't let it eat anything alive. And don't let it star in a B-movie. Naturally all of these rules are broken fairly quickly as the pastor steals the snake so that this movie can get started. Eventually the snake grows into a mystical beast that eats pretty much anything that gets in its path. So before the whole town gets digested as mega snake food, the bravest warriors band together to defeat this gluttonous CGI monster.

"Mega Snake" is a proud B-movie. An unashamed rip-off of worthier movies. "Gremlins" and "Anaconda" are the two main rip-offs. The mega snake has all the rules that a Mogwai has and its rules were meant to be broken. Actually, they have to be broken or there wouldn't be a movie. The snake can also move as quickly as the snake in "Anaconda". It's amazing that a snake that size can slither through the woods and still sneak up on people. There is also a lunkheaded mayor, (ripping off "Jaws"), who refuses to cancel the carnival even with a giant snake bearing down on it.

There are no surprises waiting for you in "Mega Snake". All of the cliches and B-movie moments that you would expect are here. Once the mega snake has found his way out of the jar, the rest of the movie becomes a seemingly never ending series of snake attacks. There are the two country bumpkins who decide to hunt the snake themselves leading to predictably disastrous results. There is a scene where the snake tears his way through the carnival leaving headless bodies in his wake. There are so many scenes of unrestrained snake violence that I'm having trouble remembering them all. It was a snake orgy of gore.

But even though "Mega Snake" played out exactly as I knew it would, I still find myself being mildly entertained by it all. "Mega Snake" didn't promise me the world and I wasn't expecting it. It promised me a mega snake and that's exactly what it gave me. So if you're an undemanding lover of giant snake movies, you'll find something to like in "Mega Snake". If not, you can leave this mega snake in his jar. And don't feed him after midnight. Or get him wet. Or am I thinking of a better movie?

SCORE: 2 out of 4 mega snake skins

Don't feed the mega snake.

"30 Days of Night: Dark Days" review

30 Days of Night: Dark Days (2010)

Director: Ben Ketai
Writers: Steve Niles Ben Ketai

Kiele Sanchez ... Stella
Rhys Coiro ... Paul
Diora Baird ... Amber
Harold Perrineau ... Todd
Mia Kirshner ... Lilith

One of the survivors from the first "30 Days of Night" comes back for the sequel. She decides to leave the death and destruction of Alaska for the peaceful confines of Los Angeles. She is giving a series of lectures on how to spot a vampire when a few vampires show up. Luckily she has her ultraviolet lights handy so that she can fry any undead audience members. Her homicidal lecture catches the attention of a handful of L.A. vampire hunters who want her to join them on a quest to kill Lilith, (Mia Kirshner), the vampire queen. She is skeptical of their Lilith-killing abilities but decides to join anyway since she wasn't really all that busy. She was right to doubt their vampire hunting skills as this group seems pretty intent on committing suicide. Their strategy seems to be to attack the vampires in the darkest places imaginable. They're either charging into pitch black sewers or invading ships in the middle of the night in a quest to get their throats ripped open. It doesn't quite take 30 days of night to find Lilith but there are a few dark days along the way.

I saw "30 Days of Night" in the theater and I remember enjoying it. I don't remember too many details of the first movie but I do remember liking the gimmick of there not being any sunlight to save the vampire killers. Hence, 30 Days of Night. Now along comes the sequel that not only ditches the Alaska setting but uses the sunlight to waste many vampires.

"30 Days of Night: Dark Days" is a sequel in name only. It doesn't bring back anything that was cool or interesting about the first movie. Instead we are left with a run of the mill B-vampire flick with a lot of bullets flying and gushing neck wounds. I'm left to wonder why they bothered to make this movie if they weren't going to at least try to resemble a rough facsimile of a sequel. Well, I guess it might be considered a rough facsimile. There are vampires after all. That's about all it has in common with the first movie.

So the vampire hunters charge ahead and kill many vampires. That pretty much sums up the movie. The only thing interesting about "30 Days of Night: Dark Days" is Mia Kirchner. She has a great vampire queen look that makes me want to join her undead clan and bow to her commands. The rest of the cast goes through the B-movie motions and waits patiently for the movie to end so that they can get paid.

So if you liked the original "30 Days of Night", you might want to let this cheap knock-off go. It can only sully the memory. But if you're not picky about your vampire thrills, you might find something worth watching in "30 Days of Night: Dark Days". Some blood, some guts, some Mia Kirchner etc. A little Queen Mia may go a long way.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Liliths

Queen Mia

"Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl" review

Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl (2009)

Directors: Yoshihiro Nishimura, Naoyuki Tomomatsu
Writers: Naoyuki Tomomatsu Shungiku Uchida

Yukie Kawamura ... Monami / Vampire Girl
Takumi Saitô ... Jyugon Mizushima
Eri Otoguro ... Keiko / Frankenstein Girl
Sayaka Kametani ... Midori

Vampire Girl needs love. She transfers to a new high school and immediately sets her sights on the most popular girl's boyfriend. She decides to seal their relationship by giving him a gift of tainted chocolate. Instead of a creamy filling, Vampire Girl puts a generous portion of her blood in the treat. Now Vampire Girl is bonded with her new boyfriend forever. But the popular girl will not stand for this insult. She attacks Vampire Girl only to end up having her entire body broken into pieces. But never fear for her mad scientist father has found a way to stitch her back together so that she can become Frankenstein Girl. It all ends in an orgy of gore as the two girls have it out for their blood splattered true love.

Love comes in many forms. Sometimes it's in the neck sucking embrace of a Vampire Girl. Other times, it's in the crushing bear hug of a Frankenstein Girl. And still other times, there is the love of watching limbs and body fluids fly through the air. This is the true love that manifests itself in "Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl".

You know what this movie needed? More blood! Oh sure, every other scene did have gallons of blood pouring out of various hacked arms and legs. And there were many decapitated heads with the usual amount of blood shooting out of necks like an oil geyser. Come to think of it, there was a clique of girls who got off on cutting their wrists which led to more blood spurting. OK. So maybe there was enough blood in "Vampire Girl vs Frankenstein Girl".

While there is enough blood in the movie to create a raging river, it's missing the other key ingredient in the exploitation movie mix. There is no nudity in "Vampire Girl vs Frankenstein Girl". I don't mind telling you I was expecting a little more action between the two monster girls. A monster mash if you will. Frankenstein Girl even had a hot entourage who followed her around in school and in their after life as zombies. As nutty as this movie is, it saddens me that it didn't return to sanity long enough to utilize their hot women for something other than massive blood loss. Oh well.

"Vampire Girl vs Frankenstein Girl" is a kooky movie about blood, love, gore and the joys of dating blood lusting girls. It has more than enough bloodshed to make horror fans happy. But it's all done for demented laughs as true love rages in high school. Sometimes the movie gets a little too nutty. There are many scenes, (actually the whole movie), that you'll look at sideways, shrug your shoulders and wait patiently for the next severed head to fall on the floor. It won't take too long.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 flesh wounds

Blood gushing true love

"The Human Centipede (First Sequence)" review

The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2009)

Director: Tom Six
Writer: Tom Six

Dieter Laser ... Dr. Heiter
Ashley C. Williams ... Lindsay
Ashlynn Yennie ... Jenny
Akihiro Kitamura ... Katsuro
Andreas Leupold ... Det. Kranz
Peter Blankenstein ... Det. Voller

A man has a dream. A dream to show lesser mortals how to play God. He was known as a genius in the art of separating Siamese twins but he grew bored with the adulation. Now he envisions a world where people are joined together from anus to mouth. The Human Centipede dream. Truly, the noblest of human endeavors. In order to accomplish this miracle of science, he must find some very unwilling test subjects. Fortunately for him, two hot female tourists show up at his doorstep for anus/mouth arrangement in the secret laboratory. He grabs an Asian man from who knows where to round out the centipede. Will he win the Nobel Prize? Can this madman be stopped? And how does the middle segment of the Centipede eat? These and other questions will bounce through your mind as you watch the horror of centipede building unfold.

"Human Centipede" is a freak show. It is designed to get the filmmakers noticed for their sick and inventive ways of descrating the human body. This is a warped movie that takes great delight in showcasing unique human suffering. After watching the magic of centipede construction I have to tell you that I thoroughly enjoyed this fine film.

Oh, "Human Centipede". Where have you been all my life? I was smiling and laughing from beginning to end. The first scene in the movie has the mad scientist gazing longingly at a picture of two dogs getting extra close to each other. Right away, "Human Centipede" tells you where it is heading. The path it is on will take you to a disturbing exploitation movie.

When you watch a horror movie called "Human Centipede", there has to be a payoff scene that explictly delivers on the insanity the mad doctor is preaching. After a tense buildup, the doctor finally goes about achieving his dream. Asses and mouths are cut to the proper size but there is no shot of the doctor actually sewing the two together. Actually, maybe it's better that they neglected to show that. That's more of a private moment between doctor and patient.

Once the mighty human centipede is stitched together, the rest of the movie becomes an S&M horror show as the doctor enjoys disciplining his new creature. Why does the doctor enjoy hurting people so much? How does a man even come up with the idea of making someone give a permanent rim job? Alas, these questions won't be answered. It is not our place to know. The inner workings of the mad scientist will not be constricted by conventual morality. Or any morality for that matter. We can only observe his madness in action.

"Human Centipede" was the sick horror flick I was looking for. There's just enough gore, blood and twisted scenes to make even a jaded horror fan cringe. Certainly, it is not a movie for everyone but if you're in the mood for something harsh, "Human Centipede" will deliver the sick thrills.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 human centipedes

Nasty business being a centipede

"Bikini Jones and the Temple of Eros" review

Bikini Jones and the Temple of Eros

Director: Fred Olen Ray

Christine Nguyen ... Dr. Jones
Heather Vandeven ... Evilla Cruella
Frankie Cullen ... Drago
Billy Chappell ... Mark X (as Tony Marino)
Rebecca Love ... Carol
Brynn Tyler ... Security guard
Jayden Cole ... Girl

So I've been very sick lately. I had to have emergency abdominal surgery. I won't go into the gory details but let's just say blood was spilled and guts were shifted around. I was laid low for about four weeks and am just now starting to come out of it. I had to practice walking again along with such important tasks as cooking for myself while wounded, (I can make some mean scrambled eggs now). As I started to emerge from my pain-filled Vicodin haze, I realized I needed some alternative medicine to help me crawl back to the land of the living. What doctor had the cure I so desperately craved?

It's with this mindset that I watched "Bikini Jones and the Temple of Eros". Dr. Jones, (Christine Nguyen), just might be the doctor I've been looking for. Christine is a prolific performer in these late night sex movies and has been good to me in the past. I needed her healing powers now.

"Bikini Jones and the Temple of Eros" is about Dr. Jones and her manic need to get naked. She is on a mission to find an idol or a temple or something. She starts the movie off in a maid's outfit which can only lead to sex. Sure enough, a blond security guard and Christine decide to consummate their five minute relationship on top of a desk. Later, Christine gets naked again as she takes a long shower in order to cool down from all of her carnal activities. Christine doesn't even have time to dry off before Special Agent Rebecca Love shows up for yet another lesbian scene. Then the movie goes through the standard softcore motions as all of the actors take turns switching partners until everyone is sexually satiated and Dr. Jones has saved the world.

Christine Nguyen deserves special mention for healing my pain in my darkest hours. Her first two lesbian scenes are the best in the movie and gave me hope when I was down. The first scene was good with plenty of kissing and breast licking. But it's the scene with Rebecca Love which really had a profound effect on me. I think Christine Nguyen may be as much of a breast lover as I am. Finally, Rebecca Love had a sex partner who appreciates her heaving breasts as much as I do. This scene was magical and I thank Dr. Jones for being such an enthusiastic performer.

"Bikini Jones and the Temple of Eros" is a standard late night softcore movie. Fred Olen Ray and his band of co-conspirators have crafted yet another watchable flick. The first two sex scenes are the only ones worth mentioning as Dr. Jones makes sweet love to some beautiful women. The rest of the sex scenes go through the motions without causing too much excitement. So if you're up late one night and recovering from life saving surgery, Dr. Nguyen may be able to help you live again with her soothing bedside manner.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Dr. Nguyens

"Sex, Secrets and Lies 2" review

Sex, Secrets and Lies 2 (2002)

AKA Wicked Temptations

Director: Eric Gibson
Writer: Thomas K. Nash

Monique Parent ... Samantha 'Sam' Sharpe (as Scarlet Johansing)
Keri Windsor ... Audrey Hunt / Marcy Snavely
Frank Harper ... Robert Lydekker (as Chip Albers)
Daniel Anderson ... Karl Ericcson (as Dan Anderson)
Tess Broussard ... Mary
T.J. Hart ... Laura Lydekker
Angelica Sin ... Cheryl Cross
Wanda Curtis ... Abby

Monique Parent is a hard nosed, hard bodied detective. She has been hired to find out who murdered a business man's wife. I think. Pretty sure that's what she was doing. She ends up in dangerous situations that only her beguiling female charm can get her out of. It seems like some nefarious types are trying to prevent her from having her usual amount of softcore sex. Monique's enemies are everywhere as they try to keep this late night thriller as monotonous as possible.

I rented "Sex Secrets and Lies 2" because I was under the (mistaken) impression that it was somehow related to the great softcore flick "Sex Secrets and Betrayals". (One of Nikki Fritz's hottest late night movies, a 4 out of 4 masterpiece. Check it out for softcore satisfaction.) But "Sex Secrets and Lies 2" is nowhere near the high quality of Fritz's movie. Oh, it has some secrets. And there are a few lies too. But the sex is lacking. And when I say lacking, I mean it was pathetic.

Good Lord. Were they actually trying to make a detective thriller? How dare Monique try to act? I can appreciate some professionalism in these movies but Monique should know better than to allow herself to remain fully clothed for any inordinate amount of time. She marches from crime scene to crime scene under the mistaken impression that anyone cares whether this case gets solved. The only burning question on my mind was whether or not there was going to be a sex scene between her and Keri Windsor.

There they were. Alone in a hotel room. Monique had a gun on her. She was telling Keri how the jig was up. The mood was right for some angry sex. But the filmmakers decided it would be more exciting if they kept their clothes on. I suppose they could argue that it would be "out of character" for Monique to just rip her blouse off and start making out with wanted fugitive Keri. But then I would counter that any character in a softcore movie that doesn't feel the need to have spontaneous sex is out of character.

So hopes were dashed. Hearts were broken. Tears fell on my remote control. "Sex Secrets and Lies 2" was stuffed into an envelope and sent on it's way to be never seen again. There are a few naked women to watch along the way but it's just not worth it. "Sex Secrets and Lies 2" can be skipped.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 hard bodied detectives

"Last House on the Beach" review

Last House on the Beach (1978)

AKA La settima donna

Director: Franco Prosperi
Writers: Ettore Sanzò Romano Migliorini Gianbattista Mussetto

Florinda Bolkan ... Sister Cristina
Ray Lovelock ... Aldo
Flavio Andreini ... Walter
Sherry Buchanan ... Lisa
Stefano Cedrati ... Nino
Laura Tanziani

Three psychotic cretins break into a house so that they can lay low for awhile. Their car broke down while they were escaping from a bank robbery and they need some time to regroup. Little did the thieves know that there are a half dozen Catholic school girls and their nun chaperone staying in the house. The men decide to take advantage of this classic exploitation movie setting and terrorize the innocent victims until they push the meek women to the breaking point.

I rented "Last House on the Beach" because it seemed to be another sleazy Italian exploitation movie. I've seen my fair share of the genre but had never heard of this movie before. It has all the elements necessary to make a nasty flick. It has the innocent schoolgirls, (with a crucifix over each bed so you know that they're pure). It has a nun, (one scene has the psychos stripping the nun out of her normal clothes so that she'll put on her official nun outfit. You can't be a nun without looking the part.) It has three rapists with raging libidos and no morals. Mix it all together and you have the makings of a sleazy time down by the beach.

But "Last House on the Beach" turns out to be relatively tame when compared to the harsher entries in this particular genre. There's a reason I've never heard of it. I was hoping to be surprised by a hidden gem but it turns out the filmmakers just didn't have the heart to go all the way with their exploitation premise.

Somehow the filmmakers manage to tone down every sleazy scene just when it should be getting rougher. We know that the psychos won't manage to keep their hands off of their captives. We are expecting to see scenes of horror unfold for these hostages. But the filmmakers cannot bring themselves to show any outrageous exploitation scenes. None of the violent scenes are memorable and any nudity shown is brief.

Although "Last House on the Beach" does have a few nasty moments, they are brief and quickly forgotten. If you're looking for a harsh exploitation movie where people are held against their will, check out "The House on the Edge of the Park". It remains the gold standard for this particular genre. "Last House on the Beach" is just not sleazy enough to warrant a viewing. Some scenes start strong but then the filmmakers decide to let the violence happen off camera. Exploitation movies should never have the violence happening off camera. Tasteful decisions are fatal for exploitation movies. "Last House on the Beach" can be skipped.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Catholic high school girls in trouble

"Busty Cops and the Jewel of Denial" review

Busty Cops and the Jewel of Denial (2010)

Director: Jim Wynorski
Writers: Chris De Christopher, Mark Weiler

Nikki Jayne ... Busty Cop
Tory Lane ... Busty Cop
Kaylani Lei ... Other
Amy Reid ... Busty Cop

The Busty Cops are back in action. This time they have to help the quaint, humble island natives who are in danger of losing their sacred statue of perpetual orgasms. They fly to Hawaii so that they can have as much sex as possible before solving the case. The Busty Cops manage to get naked with every person they find and still have the stamina to tell outrageously terrible jokes. It all ends in complete debauchery as the busty cops have copious amounts of sex on the beach while various dirty blondes dance and fornicate to celebrate their carnal exploits.

The frequent flyer miles were stacking up on Wynorksi's credit card so it was time to make another "Busty Cops" movie. He flew the cast out, (economy class), and told them to do something interesting whenever it seemed like the camera was rolling. Wynorski was too busy chugging Mai Tai's and Pina Colada's to care. The men in this movie are most likely Wynorski's drinking buddies. They had to pay their own travel expenses but were compensated with sex scenes and all the Macadamia nuts they could eat. Actually, it makes a pretty good argument for being his drinking buddy.

So the Busty Cops are back but Wynorski forgot to bring along his best one. Where is Nikki Nova? She captures the voluptuous essence of being a Busty Cop but she is nowhere in sight. In fact, with the exception of Tory Lane, this is definitely the B-team of Busty Cops. None of these women are memorable. It is one anonymous blonde after another having softcore sex in the sand until Wynorski wakes up long enough to get them to stop.

But Wynorski manages to do a few things right and one of them was bringing along Tory Lane to romp in the sand. She is amazing. Tory Lane saves this movie from oblivion. She has a pretty nice three-way scene at the beginning of the movie with her fellow busty cops which starts things off on a positive note. She also ends up having sex with most everyone else in the movie. She is all about high energy sex and she delivers the softcore thrills.

So if you enjoy seeing clips from Wynorski's beach vacation masquerading as late night cinema, "Busty Cops and the Jewel of Denial" is the visual stimulation you seek. For those who can't get enough of watching naked women roll around in the sand, you have found nirvana. And for those who get turned on by watching women rub chocolate sauce on each other, (why Wynorksi why?!), then this film will excite you. As for me, I found it better than staring at the ceiling so it served its purpose. There were plenty of naked women and there was no plot to distract me. And as for Officer Tory Lane, for bravery in the face of Wynorksi duty, I salute you.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 busty cops

Officer Lane.

Hustler Hollywood night

I have been recovering from work related, (and vacation related), activities lately and needed something to jump start me back to the land of the living. When I heard about the Hustler Hollywood night at the Whisky a Go Go on Sunset, I knew this was the proverbial shot in the arm I needed. There was a benefit going on and I was glad to do my part. I believe the theme of the night was "Keep Porn Alive". Or at least legal. So my friend and I wandered into the Whisky and I got myself a beer to see what was going on with the porn stars. Hustler Hollywood was serving up a mixture of porn publicity, sex toy demonstration and alcohol. A strong combination to be sure. MILF extraordinaire Nina Hartley got on stage to show us all that a lifetime of porn movies doesn't warp you into a mindless sex zombie. She says she's been in "the industry" for 25 plus years. My friends, that's a lot of sex. So she knows what she's saying when she laments the attacks on her industry by various state and federal prosecutors around the country. After Nina left the stage the evening took a less serious turn as the porn stars took the stage to promote their products. First up was Girlfriend's films, an all lesbian porn outfit. They all got on stage and talked about the beauty of hot girl/girl action. There wasn't a dry eye in the house. Or was I the only one listening? Then they showed a collection of scenes from their latest lesbian flicks.

You haven't lived until you've watched porn stars watch themselves have sex. It was magical.

Next up was Alektra Blue showing us all the latest in anal sex technology.I think there is a motor in the front or something. The men were talking about it so I wasn't really listening. But Alektra seemed to like it.
Alektra decided to spread the love around and grabbed the co-host of the evening, (a reality TV personality), for a hands-on demonstration.She enjoyed herself. The Wicked Girls joined Alektra Blue on stage to promote their latest big budget porn flick.They all got a chance to say a few scripted words about the motorcycle sex movie they were promoting.

But how does one become a Wicked Girl? Is there some sort of screening process? Is there anything the Wicked Girls have in common, (besides being hot?). What makes one porn star Wicked-worthy and others not? Do the girls all get along or are they all just too wicked?

We may never know all the answers but the studio system is alive and well in the Valley.

After the porn movie promotion was over, it was time to have an orgasm contest. Four, (or was it five?) ladies got onstage to show us how they fake their orgasms.
Porn star Belladonna, (who apparently had just shaved her head. On a side note, I used to have a thing for Sinead O' Connor so this was kind of working for me), was one of the judges. She is an expert in this field and did not cut anybody any slack.

The first contestant needed some visual help to get her juices flowing. The host was happy to oblige.
The next contestant didn't want to fake her orgasm as she dropped to the floor an subsequently dropped her pants and rubbed one out for all to see.
She was very naughty. But this is what happens when you get a room full of exhibitionists together. Add in some horny guys with cameras and you have the recipe for mayhem. Then we were treated to another contest. This time, "Top Blowjob on a Penis shaped candy stick" was on the line. The naughty contestant from the screaming O contest jumped right into the candy shaft licking contest.It was very suggestive. She seemed to know what she was doing. I was impressed.

But then Belladonna got involved in the contest and she turned up the heat. The candy didn't stand a chance.I left the Whisky soon after this oral display. I knew I had just witnessed the peak of the evening and wanted to leave on a high note. After saying a few goodbyes, my friend and I wandered down to the Rainbow Bar and Grill for some fried cheese goodness. But it was Belladonna's shaved head bouncing on a candy dong that kept running through my mind. She was the winner this evening. Well, actually we all were.