"Trick 'r Treat" review

Trick 'r Treat (2008)

Director: Michael Dougherty
Writer: Michael Dougherty

Dylan Baker... Steven
Rochelle Aytes... Maria
Quinn Lord... Sam / Peeping Tommy
Lauren Lee Smith... Danielle
Moneca Delain... Janet
Isabelle Deluce... Sara
Anna Paquin... Laurie
Brian Cox... Mr. Kreeg
Leslie Bibb... Emma

It's Halloween and you better respect the traditions. "Trick 'r Treat" has four interwoven tales of murder and mayhem set in a small town on Halloween night. There's an elementary school principal who likes to give kids tricks instead of treats. Then there's four hot girls who want to throw a party in the woods with some willing victims. On the other side of town, a bunch of kids like telling ghost stories but they may see their nightmares come true. Finally there's an old man who disdains Halloween and meets a maniacal midget who has taken it upon himself to attack anyone who dares to insult his favorite holiday.

"Trick 'r Treat" continues the horror anthology movie tradition set by such films as "Creepshow" and "Tales from the Darkside". While I wouldn't say it was as good as "Creepshow", "Trick 'r Treat" turns out to be an enjoyable horror movie. I'm surprised that this didn't go to theaters. This would have been a perfect movie to release during Halloween. "Trick 'r Treat" gives Halloween the respect it deserves and provides horror fans with an entertaining horror flick.

Of course, there's not anything terribly original about "Trick 'r Treat". Most of these stories have been told in one form or another over the years. But "Trick 'r Treat" keeps the stories moving along as the town learns the importance of respecting the festival of Samuin. Did you know that pumpkin carving is linked to an ancient Celtic tradition? It was done so that pumpkins could be put in windows in order to ward off evil spirits. They believed that Samuin was the one day a year where the spirit world could pass through into our world. So they wore costumes and masks to ward off harmful ghosts.

It's this attention to Halloween details that the townspeople don't respect. They'll pay dearly for it. When the little sack-headed killer sees a woman blow out her pumpkin before Halloween is over, he shows her a few nasty tricks with his lollipop. Later he attacks a grumpy old man, (Brian Cox), after his contempt for Halloween becomes clear. The attack of the maniacal midget turns out to be the highlight of "Trick 'r Treat". It has the most blood and scares in the movie. The sack-headed killer is an angry little guy but I admire his dedication to his job.

The other tales of terror are fine but they don't pack as much of a shock as the mad midget story. The principal is a fiend with the kids, the visiting party girls are predictably hot and get into predictable trouble and the pranksters cause some havoc that comes back to haunt them. All of these stories play out to their obvious conclusion. They're fun but predictable horror stories.

Overall, "Trick 'r Treat" is a fun horror movie. It doesn't have excessive gore or blood but it has just enough to make it a worthwhile horror flick. I had a good time. It's worth a look.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 sack-headed killers
Red Riding Hood? Snow White? Little Bo Peep or Cinderella? Decisions, decisions.

"The Graves" review

The Graves (2009)

Director: Brian Pulido
Writer: Brian Pulido

Clare Grant... Megan Graves
Amanda Wyss... Darlene
Tony Todd... Reverend Abraham
Bill Moseley... Caleb
Jillian Murray... Abby Graves
Cathy Rankin... Valerie Mills
Patti Tindall... Becka Crane
Bill Lippincott... Dad
Brian Pulido... M. Mischief

Two hot sisters are into comic books and horror culture. The Graves make a great team cruising through comic book stores and driving the geeks crazy. They decide to have one more sister outing before they're torn apart. One of the Graves is going to college and her big sister wants to show her a good time before she goes. So naturally, they head for an abandoned ghost town. Of course they do. Unfortunately for the Graves girls, they've stepped into a mediocre horror film. Before you know it, killers are springing up all over the ghost town. They'll have to contend with a slow moving blacksmith, a freak in a pig nose and an outrageously hammy Reverend if they want to get out of town alive.

There's not much to get excited about over "The Graves". It truly defines the word mediocre. Everything happens exactly as you would expect. When the sisters arrive at the ghost town, you expect someone to chase them down. There's an evil blacksmith who wants to kill every tourist in sight. He starts to run after the girls but he's been eating too many cheeseburgers and starts wheezing after jogging for ten seconds. The Graves run circles around him and don't have much trouble dispatching him to blacksmith heaven. Although I was sure that someone was going to chase the girls through the ghost town, I didn't think he'd be this inept at stalking his prey. I was certain the movie was over at this point. I was wrong.

Just when you thought the Graves had survived the movie, along comes more trouble in the form of a pig-nosed freak. Seems like the blacksmith was his brother and now he wants to have his turn chasing hot babes through the desert. This leads to more mediocrity as the pig freak pounces on the hottest of the Graves, (Clare Grant), so he can bore her with his fantasies. The Graves use teamwork again to get out of their freak situation. I was relieved. The movie was finally over and I could get away from the Graves. I was wrong again.

Now the entire town chases after the Graves. Will this madness ever end? Reverend Tony Todd wants to sacrifice the sisters to appease some demon. This leads to an amazingly hammy performance by Reverend Todd as he summons the loud, screeching garbage demon. This leads to an even more amazingly mediocre fight which finally, mercifully ends the movie. The Graves can leave town and I can go to bed.

"The Graves" is a mediocre horror movie divided into three banal parts. The best thing you can say about it is that it's competently filmed. But since nothing scary or interesting happens on the Graves B-movie road trip, it's not worth watching. "The Graves" can be skipped.

One last thought, I have to mention the biggest letdown with "The Graves". It's the Graves themselves. The Graves do not get naked. This is a tragedy. Especially when you take the time to name your horror movie after the sisters and don't have the common decency to show us the Graves in all of their glory. I can't stress enough how important gratuitous nudity is to B-movies. A couple of shots of the Graves running topless through the desert could have saved this movie. Well maybe not but it would have at least provided one lively B-movie moment. As it is, "The Graves" is dead and buried.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Graves babes

"Dead Snow" review

Dead Snow (2009)

AKA Død snø

Director: Tommy Wirkola
Writers: Stig Frode Henriksen

Vegar Hoel... Martin
Stig Frode Henriksen ... Roy
Charlotte Frogner ... Hanna
Lasse Valdal ... Vegard
Evy Kasseth Røsten ... Liv
Jeppe Laursen ... Erlend

A bunch of medical students head to an isolated cabin for some fun in the snow. Dead snow that is. (Is snow ever alive? Hmmm...) As they frolic in the snow, evil lies in wait beneath the ice. One night some crazy old coot barges into their cabin to tell them a tale of Nazi greed and murder. The Nazi's used to run this mountaintop as their own private fortress and buried a fortune here. The geezer warns them to heed his insane rant or the Nazi's will get them. Sure enough a battalion of Nazi zombies spring up from the snow and attacks the medical students for disturbing their gold. The medical students run for their lives as the undead fascists chase them through the snow. Many Nazi's will die again before this vacation is over.

Nazi zombies. I just like writing that. Nazi zombies. Two of the most evil words in the world. Together at last! Actually, "Dead Snow" is not the first Nazi zombie movie but it is certainly the best. We can thank a bunch of Norwegian film geeks for getting together to make the best Nazi Zombie movie ever made on top of a snow covered mountain. Hands down. Furthermore, "Dead Snow" takes the prize as the best Norwegian zombie movie I've ever seen. And while we're at it, it also wins a prize as the only Norwegian movie I've ever seen. Cheers for Norway!

Of course, "Dead Snow" isn't really full of surprises. You hear the phrase Nazi zombies and you have a pretty good idea of what you should be getting. The good news is that "Dead Snow" delivers what you expect. Nazi zombies are mangled, butchered, crushed and destroyed. The snow will run red with their undead blood.

There are many movie references in "Dead Snow" and most of them are for "Evil Dead". The Nordic geeks who made this movie are clearly in love with 80's slasher movies and wanted to make their own version of one. All of those lovable slasher flick cliches are here. From the isolated cabin in the woods, to the girls who separate when they need each other the most, to the liberal use of chainsaws, all of the classic genre elements are on display.

The Nazi zombies look great in their rotting black uniforms set against the white snow. But my one complaint about the movie is that it didn't really exploit the fact that the zombies were Nazi's. Other than looking good in their German uniforms, they didn't commit any evil you would associate with the Nazis. When I think of Nazi evil, I'm thinking of the obscene decadence that comes with attempting to have total control over others. But in "Dead Snow", the Nazi's zombie side had taken over and all they wanted to do was eat the student's guts.

But "Dead Snow" is still a fun Nazi Zombie movie. It's constructed out of many different 80's horror movie cliches and manages to bring them together very well. It's worth a look.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 Nazi zombies

"Book of Blood" review

Book of Blood (2009)

Director: John Harrison
Writers: John Harrison Darin Silverman

Jonas Armstrong ... Simon McNeal
Sophie Ward ... Mary Florescu
Clive Russell ... Wyburd
Paul Blair ... Reg Fuller
Romana Abercromby ... Janie
Simon Bamford ... Derek
James Watson ... Jimmy

A guy with hideous scars is wearing a book of blood and a collector wants his skin. Once the hired assassin catches up to his victim, he gives him one last chance to tell his story. The guy spins a tale of ghosts, possessed houses, paranormal activity and highways of the dead. His professor thinks she noticed something special about him and invites him to be part of her experiment. She is investigating a house where a hideous murder happened. She's convinced that the house is haunted and that her student can act as a psychic medium to the dead inhabitants. After long, drawn out sequences where nothing interesting happens, the dead finally make an appearance and want to sign their names on the student's blood soaked skin.

"Book of Blood" clearly shows the challenges of adapting a short story into a movie. They didn't have enough story to justify a movie so they've padded it out with banal dialogue scenes. That way the viewer can be really bored by the time something interesting happens. The first and last fifteen minutes of "Book of Blood" are entertaining. The rest of the movie plods along quietly as your mind wanders onto other topics. Like, why did they pick this Clive Barker story to adapt?

I read "Book of Blood" awhile ago and I remember liking it. I didn't remember a lot of the details but I was interested in seeing this adaptation. Now I can tell you that the filmmakers picked the wrong Clive Barker tale. Not much happens in "Book of Blood". It's filmed in dark, grey colors which gives the movie a dreary look and feel. It's dour and depressing. The ghost hunters shack up in an abandoned house waiting for something interesting to happen. I was waiting too but the ghosts took the long way home. By the time they started writing their stories on his skin, I was completely bored with this movie.

Still, there are some decent scenes to enjoy. My favorite scenes being Sophie Ward commencing on a forbidden love affair with her younger student. There's a great scene where Sophie tries to help her insomniac student get some sleep by using her healing hands. Sophie also a short sex scene with her eager pupil which was pleasant enough. These scenes were very necessary for the movie as there wasn't anything else to do inside the house. Thank you Sophie Ward for saving this movie from oblivion.

"Book of Blood" has some decent gore scenes, a few good Sophie Ward erotic moments and not much else. It takes too long to get to the point and by the time it does you'll be wishing you were watching another Clive Barker movie. Where were the Cenobites when I needed them? It's filmed competently enough but there's not enough horror or suspense to warrant a viewing. It can be skipped.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 books of blood

"The Descent: Part 2" review

The Descent: Part 2 (2009)

Director: Jon Harris
Writers: J Blakeson James McCarthy

Michael J. Reynolds ... Ed Oswald
Shauna Macdonald ... Sarah
Jessika Williams ... Susanna Small
Douglas Hodge ... Dan
Joshua Dallas ... Greg
Anna Skellern ... Cath
Gavan O'Herlihy ... Vaines
Krysten Cummings... Rios
Doug Ballard ... Dr. Roger Payne
Josh Cole ... Lynch
Saskia Mulder ... Rebecca
Natalie Jackson Mendoza ... Juno (as Natalie Mendoza)

The one survivor from the first "Descent" flick gets thrown back down the shaft. Since she can't seem to recall what happened to her friends, the sheriff decides to force her back into the caves to look for them. There could be survivors! The rescue team decides to skip any strenuous rock climbing and instead takes the express elevator to the bottom. That way they can die faster. The blind CHUDS of the Appalachians are waiting for more meat to enter their lair. They get very excited when their latest dinner course arrives. The rest of the movie has the rescue party needing to get rescued as the CHUDS pounce on them from every angle.

The original "Descent" was a great horror movie. It was one of the few recent horror flicks that actually scared me. Well, it made me jump a few times anyway. Now along comes "Descent Part 2". It has more gore, more monsters and more action. The filmmakers took all of the exploitation elements from the first movie and focused their efforts on providing more, more, more of them. I applaud the filmmakers with their dedication to the art of horror exploitation. Bravo!

So clearly, "Descent 2" is a must see. I loved it. It is one of the best straight to DVD movies I've seen. They have ditched the tension and dark claustrophobia of the first movie in order to provide the viewer with well lit scenes of carnage and mayhem. Where did the extra light come from in an abandoned cave? Who cares?! If you are worrying about little things like that, you don't need to spend your time watching horror movies.

Once the monsters make their first appearance, the movie becomes a series of survival of the fittest scenes. Since these people are trapped in a horror movie, you have a pretty good idea on who is going to survive. The monsters love to go for the jugular. There are many gushing neck wounds in "Descent 2". For the humans, the pickaxe becomes a favorite weapon to dispatch CHUD's to their graves. There are many fine gore scenes to enjoy in "Descent 2". My personal favorite was watching a girl's corpse shake from having one too many rats eat her guts. This was a particularly nasty scene which set the tone for the rest of the movie.

"Descent 2" is a very good horror movie. Gory, exciting and fun. It is definitely worth a look.

SCORE: 3.5 out of 4 CHUD munchers

"The Collector" review

The Collector (2009)

Director: Marcus Dunstan
Writers: Patrick Melton Marcus Dunstan

Josh Stewart ... Arkin
Michael Reilly Burke ... Michael Chase
Andrea Roth ... Victoria Chase
Juan Fernández ... The Collector
Karley Scott Collins ... Hannah Chase
Daniella Alonso ... Lisa
Haley Pullos ... Cindy (as Haley Alexis Pullos)
Jayme Suzonne Riser ... Bar Dancer
Krystal Mayo ... Bar Dancer (as Krystal Dawn Mayo)

A thief needs to find a way to pay off a debt to his ex-wife. When his new employers go out of town, he jumps at the chance to break into their house. He thinks he's concocted the perfect crime. Unfortunately another criminal is already hard at work inside the house. The Collector has staked a claim on the house and anyone in it. The thief didn't count on a serial killer hanging out in the basement but these are the occupational hazards of burglary. The Collector has seen all of the "Saw" movies and lays out many nasty traps to keep anyone from escaping. The thief must decide whether or not to save his own skin or try to save the family, (that he just met and is stealing from), by matching wits with a vicious psychopath.

"The Collector" is a solid horror movie. I thoroughly enjoyed it. It is mean, vicious and nasty. Just as any good horror movie should be. The filmmakers must have had a list of traps lying around that got rejected from the "Saw" movies and decided that they were too good for the world not to see. They were right. For what says entertainment more than leaving a pile of bear traps on the floor so that some poor body can get mangled by them?

Oh sure, you could make a lot of trivial criticisms against the amazing lack of logic on display here. Like, how could the Collector possibly find the time to set up all of these traps? Why would a burglar care about a family he's stealing from? And why in the world would he actually go back to the house after he has escaped? My friend, if these questions affect your enjoyment of this movie, you don't want to watch B-movies.

For "The Collector" is most assuredly a B-movie and a very good one at that. It manages to keep its heavy horror tone from beginning to end. This was a relief for me as I have become a little tired of seeing horror movies with teens acting obnoxious and then getting slaughtered. "The Collector" has a simple plot which quickly propels the story into the house of horrors.

And I love that it's told from the point of view of the thief. Normally you would expect a horror story to be told from the victim's point of view but here the story is really told from the voyeurs side. The thief could have easily listened to their screams and been on his way. But when the thief tries to stop all of the obscene torture he sees, he'll wish he had stayed true to his nature and continued being a reluctant voyeur.

"The Collector" is a ghoulish horror flick that delights in showing torture in graphic detail. It also enjoys not explaining any of the motivations of the Collector. But when you're watching a horror movie, do you really need to know the motivation of the monster? All you need to know is that they enjoy inflicting pain and suffering and must be destroyed. The Collector might just live on to torture again. That's fine with me. "The Collector" is definitely worth a look.

One last thought, I must mention how much I enjoyed the strip club scene. It's shot in dark red and blue mood lighting. I must have watched this scene a dozen times. It uses the Depeche Mode song "I Feel You" for the soundtrack as the thief makes his way through the club. There was something about the stripper arching her back while smoking under red lights that drove me insane. Not insane enough to collect her mind you, but it's these kinds of subtly sleazy scenes that I cherish.

SCORE: 3.5 out of 4 collectors

"Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever" review

Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever (2009)

Director: Ti West
Writers: Joshua Malkin Randy Pearlstein

Rider Strong ... Paul
Noah Segan ... John
Alexander Isaiah Thomas ... Dane
Giuseppe Andrews ... Winston
Alexi Wasser ... Cassie
Regan Deal ... Liz
Michael Bowen ... Principal Sinclair
Amanda Jelks ... Frederica
Angela Oberer ... Ms. Hawker
Lindsey Axelsson ... Sandy
Lila Lucchetti ... Karen
Andrea Powell ... Lucille

Bottled water brings the plague to the high school prom. The deadly disease, (was it ever given a name?), returns from the first movie to wreck havoc during the most important night of these teenagers short lives. The teenage characters in this movie run the gauntlet of teenage character cliches. There's a horny fat guy, a nice guy who likes a nice girl who's dating a jerk, a promiscuous girl who spreads the disease faster than contaminated bottled water and a host of other forgettable characters. And then there's the only connection to the first movie, the whiney, gutless deputy who runs from any sort of law enforcement duty. They'll all have to deal with the moral dilemma of either trying to survive or attempting to save their disease-ridden friends.

Healthy teens consume tainted water and die. That pretty much sums up "Cabin Fever 2". There's not a cabin in sight in "Cabin Fever 2". There isn't even any kind of fever. The filmmakers clearly felt the tension created from your body slowly rotting away was too drawn out and dull for their tastes. Now the disease kills you right away so we don't have to wait long for the victims to cough up their guts. Their sequel plan was simple. Less cabins! More gore! Teens love watching other teens die horribly. If you love watching teenager puke out blood, this is the movie you've been waiting for.

I suppose you could choose to believe that there are characters in this movie but it would be more beneficial just to think of them as future skin disease victims. "Cabin Fever 2" starts off by introducing a couple of typical teens getting ready for their prom. That way it'll be helpful later on so we can identify their corpses. All of the cliches end up at the prom and die as any good prom cliches should die. They drink the spiked punch. Never drink the punch at the prom. Especially punch that has been used as a toilet by infected cretins.

But then again, the prom scene is the best part of "Cabin Fever 2". The government gets actively involved in preventing the disease from spreading and locks the high school down. This allows the filmmakers to showcase their skills in staging a prom massacre scene. Blood flies in all directions as teen after teen coughs up blood. A few manage to get away only to end up coughing up blood in other rooms. There is plenty of blood and guts spilled as the teens try to escape the wrath of a vengeful social disease.

"Cabin Fever 2" is a brainless sequel filled with carnage and mayhem. It actually poses an interesting question. What is the appeal of these movies? Is a cabin necessary to make a "Cabin Fever" sequel? Is watching people die of a skin disease enough of an enticement for entertainment? The filmmakers clearly believed that having victims march off to a remote cabin was superfluous to their plans as it would only delay the inevitable. They had gallons of blood to spill and didn't want to waste time doing it.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 bloody proms

"Hanger" review

Hanger (2009)

Director: Ryan Nicholson
Writers: Ryan Nicholson Patrick Coble

Debbie Rochon... Rose
Dan Ellis... The John
Nathan Dashwood... Hanger
Ronald Patrick Thompson... Leroy
Lloyd Kaufman... Melvina the Tranny
Wade Gibb... Russell
Alastair Gamble... Phil
Candice Lewald... Nicole (as Candice Le)
Nadia Grey... Smashy
Stephanie Walker... Trashy
Michelle Grady... Trixie the Mangled Whore

Debbie Rochon is pregnant and her pimp doesn't like it. He decides to be proactive with Debbie's due date and yanks her fetus right out of her womb. Debbie doesn't survive her motel room abortion but the baby does. He grows up to be Hanger, a hideously scarred freak with a penchant for extreme violence. Hanger's dad finds him and gets him a job working with some other freaks at the city dump. Hanger gets set up in a new apartment with a roommate who has a thing for beer, porn and used tampons. Life couldn't get any better for Hanger. Unfortunately Debbie's old pimp shows up and is looking for revenge. Hanger's dad will stand up for the freak so that Hanger can live to find some meaning to his almost aborted, violent life.

The filmmakers behind "Live Feed" and "Gutterballs" return for another nasty exploitation movie. I really liked "Live Feed" but thought "Gutterballs" was far too obnoxious too enjoy. Now along comes "Hanger". The director, (Ryan Nicholson), is turning into a sleaze auteur. First he tackles the sordid world of snuff films. Then comes his take on 80's slasher flicks. And now the aborted baby revenge flick "Hanger" crawls its way out of the uterus for our presumed enjoyment.

By all accounts, I should have liked "Hanger". It had all the elements I normally associate with fine cinema. Sex, violence, topless women, deranged psychos and female masturbation on top of a desk with a Hello Kitty product. Nothing says Oscar season like rubbing one out with your Hello Kitty doll.

But "Hanger" turns out to be a random assortment of sleaze moments that lead nowhere. It's a movie with no real purpose other than to delight its audience with bad acting, sporadic gore and aborted baby revenge. "Hanger" meanders through various sleaze scenarios but it turns into a chore to watch as the freaks slowly get around to beating and penetrating each other. The pacing of the freak show was a little sluggish and caused my mind to wander. Mostly I was thinking why I was bothering to watch this movie.

Although "Hanger" does have some charming traits so it's not completely worthless. Candice Lewald deserves special mention for her brilliant rendition of a secretary in heat. Her scene masturbating on her desk is a fine B-movie moment. There are some other topless women in this movie and they are all appreciated. Ryan Nicholson also deserves some kudos for standing by his convictions and packing as much extreme sexual violence in his films as possible. He has shown a rare commitment to the art of exploitation and it is to be commended. Well, at least it is by me.

But "Hanger" turns out to be less than the sum of its parts. Random sleazebag scenes cannot hold the movie together until the end. The main problem with "Hanger" is Hanger. He doesn't do much. He was not as committed to his blood lust as I was hoping he would be. His dad does most of the killing for him. This leaves Hanger plenty of time to hang around his apartment with his bloody tampon loving roommate. Not exactly the kind of homicidal attitude you're looking for in your repressed psycho killers.

Overall, "Hanger" can be skipped. It has some nasty, sleazy moments but they're not enough to warrant a viewing. Unless you're in desperate need to see the horrors of a B-movie abortion up close, you can let this one go.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 no choice abortions

"Bitch Slap" review

Bitch Slap (2009)

Director: Rick Jacobson
Writers: Eric Gruendemann Rick Jacobson

Julia Voth ... Trixie
Erin Cummings ... Hel
America Olivo ... Camero
Michael Hurst ... Gage
Ron Melendez ... Deputy Fuchs
William Gregory Lee ... Hot Wire
Minae Noji ... Kinki
Kevin Sorbo ... Mr. Phoenix
Lucy Lawless ... Mother Superior

Three hot women hit the road to look for a stash of diamonds. They arrive at a decrepit trailer in the desert to look for the loot. Through a series of flashbacks we learn that the filmmakers enjoyed "Sin City" and want their movie to use the same special effects. Since they can't afford any more location shooting, almost all of the movie takes place in front of a run down, dilapidated, trailer. The ladies sweat, curse, yell, make out, and eventually start slapping each other as they come to grips with their B-movie situation. They need to figure out how to make an entertaining movie about three women and a trailer. Start slapping ladies.

"Bitch Slap" is a movie that I should have loved. I should be writing about how the three bitch slapping women in this movie drove me insane with lust with their cat fighting skills. I should be drooling over every curve of their voluptuous bodies. "Bitch Slap" looked like a fine piece of sleaze cinema and I was ready to make a love connection. But therein lies the tragedy behind "Bitch Slap". It is not sleaze cinema. It is not a throwback to sleaze cinema. It is nowhere close to sleaze cinema. While its lack of grimy exploitation may excite certain moviegoers, I was devastated.

There is one crucial element missing from "Bitch Slap" that prevents it from reaching the lofty heights of a true exploitation movie. Simply put, there is no exploitation in "Bitch Slap". When you advertise three sexy women slapping the sweat off of each other, you better make sure to include plenty of gratuitous nudity. After all, if the ladies are beating the snot out of each other, there must surely be a wardrobe malfunction (or two). It is with a heavy heart that I must inform you that there is no nudity in this so-called exploitation movie. For shame.

"Bitch Slap" is a fake exploitation movie. It is another bait and switch B-movie that tries to trick you into renting it with false promises of sex, violence and hard bodied women. There aren't any sex scenes, nude scenes or any scenes of blood and guts. So someone explain to me why any sane person would consider this an exploitation movie. The only thing "Bitch Slap" delivers on is plenty of girl fights. There is more than one scene of girls slapping each other. But if you've ever seen hot women wrestling with each other, you've already seen the best parts of this movie.

Although the ladies were lovely to look at, (especially Julia Voth), "Bitch Slap" let me down. It did not deliver on the implicit agreement that exploitation films make to their audience. Show me the exploitation! The only thing that gets exploited are the fans of these movies. The desire for sleaze entertainment is strong and the bitch slapping women knew that. I have been slapped and I wish I could say I liked it.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 slapped bitches

"Smash Cut" review

Smash Cut (2009)

Director: Lee Demarbre
Writer: Ian Driscoll

David Hess ... Able Whitman
Jesse Buck ... Isaac Beaumonde
Michael Berryman ... Philip Farmsworth Jr.
Ray Sager ... Reverend Ezekial Boone
Sasha Grey ... April Carson
Jennilee Murray ... Georgina Carson / Gigi Spot

A bad movie review drives a director insane. Able Whitman's, (David Hess), soul needs inspiration so he can start making horror movies that people actually want to watch. He runs into the warm embrace of his stripper muse looking for something inspiring in her lap dance. After a horrific car accident, her mangled corpse provides the spark he needs to start making blood soaked horror again. His movies needed to be more realistic in their portrayal of murder and mayhem. He decides that the only way to get the shots he needs is to kill everyone who has hurt him. Unfortunately it turns out that everyone he knows has hurt him. It won't be long before they all feel the homicidal wrath of an angry B-movie director.

There are a lot of exploitation icons in "Smash Cut". David Hess, Michael Berryman and Herschell Gordon Lewis all make appearances. David Hess is the frustrated director on a homicide binge. Berryman is the nervous studio head and Lewis shows up as intrepid reporter Sasha Grey's boss. The filmmakers wanted to show their love for the exploitation arts so they invited some notorious characters into their movie. While seeing horror and exploitation icons jump back into B-movies can be fun, their appearance in "Smash Cut" feels like the sole reason this movie exists.

I thought "Smash Cut" was going to be vehicle for Sasha Grey to strut her stuff in a horror flick but it turns out the filmmakers are more in love with David Hess. Now I liked Hess in "House on the Edge of the Park" and in other nasty horror flicks but I think the filmmakers priorities are a little skewed. Sasha should have taken center stage here. Haven't watching all of these exploitation movies taught us anything? Women are always the stars of these movies. They scream the best, run from maniacs the fastest and look good taking long showers to wash the blood off of their bodies. David Hess has some fine qualities but not nearly as fine as Sasha Grey.

Sasha Grey is an interesting character. If you've read anything about her, it becomes apparent how deadly serious she takes being a porn star. Rough sex is the brand she's selling and she does it very well. But the filmmakers fail to capitalize on her nasty reputation because they're too busy fawning over their exploitation idols. Sasha runs around the film set trying to find out what happened to her missing family member. It turns out Hess is using her dead relative for props in his movie. While this clearly should have led to a scene where Hess has rough sex with Sasha, (to get her to confess her deceitful sins), the filmmakers decided to let Sasha stay pure and not engage in any sort of carnal activity. For shame.

So without any Sasha Grey sex scenes, (or even nudity!), what else is there? "Smash Cut" is a collection of cheap gore scenes as Hess runs wild over every person he's ever met. Every gore scene is played for laughs as Hess uses a variety of instruments of death to get the job done. A knife, a nail gun, and even a harpoon is used to spill the guts of his enemies. While the blood is plentiful, the effects are too cheap and shoddy to be anywhere close to shocking. Even an eye-gouging scene can't horrify as it's clear that some poor doll is getting its fake eye mangled.

"Smash Cut" has some fun scenes as Hess laments the state of low budget filmmaking by morosely slaughtering his enemies. But it wasn't quite the exploitation movie it could have been. Sasha Grey is featured on the DVD cover and could have shouldered more of the exploitation burden. If the filmmakers would have let her explore her dark side, "Smash Cut" could have been so much more than the standard B-movie it is. You must never let a porn star go to waste. Any exploitation fan should know that.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 intrepid Sashas

Michael Whiteacre and the Adult PSA shoot

Here's a story for your enjoyment of porno stars, PSA's and the beautiful San Fernando Valley. A journey into the unknown for Dr. Gore.

So I received an email last week from director Michael Whiteacre. Mr. Whiteacre wanted to let me know he was shooting anti-piracy Public Service Announcements for the Adult Film Business. It was going to be Monday night in the Valley and I was welcome to stop by. To seal the deal he listed all of the porn stars that were going to be there. The list I received was as follows:

Alektra Blue
Belladonna
Lisa Ann
Kimberly Kane
Charlie Laine
Kaylani Lei
Kayden Kross
Angelina Armani
Joanna Angel
Julie Meadows
Nicki Hunter
Ron Jeremy
Cousin Stevie

This was a tough one all right. A real dilemma for me. A soul searching conundrum that kept me up at night. Did I want to drive to the Valley to see Michael direct porno stars in a PSA? Of course I did. I've been talking to Mr. Whiteacre for awhile and always wanted to see his directing skills in action. That and Lisa Ann is freaking hot.

So I hopped in the car and drove over the hill to the Valley. It was a long and arduous journey that gave me some time to think about the porn star situation I was heading into. I was a bit nervous since I had never been in a room full of porn stars before. I wasn't sure what was waiting for me so my mind wandered off into two extreme possibilities.

The first scenario was a "Boogie Nights" orgy scene with mass carnal activity breaking out as they waited for Whiteacre to shoot their scene. I foresaw a pile of cocaine on the cabinet while techno music and disco balls pumped and swayed through the night. This possibility frightened me as I wasn't quite ready for Caligula in the Valley. But I felt if anyone could direct an orgy, it would be Whiteacre.

The other possibility slowly entered my mind as I got closer and closer to the Valley. I took in the facts of the situation and came to a more rational conclusion than my X-rated fantasy. It was Monday night. The porn stars were working for free. Whiteacre had a lot of people to film in a short time span. There wasn't going to be any party. This was work, work, work. My mind sobered up to the situation. Porn stars don't give it away for free. They'll help out for a PSA but orgies will cost you.

So I finally got to the address after managing to drive by it twice. The shooting location was in a completely nondescript brick building. The kind of building that you would pass a hundred times and never notice. In other words, a perfect location. There won't be any surprise visitors showing up here.

Actually there was a surprise visitor at the shoot and it was me. I walked in the front door and was stared at like I was from outer space. But Mr. Whiteacre's friend Joanne recognized me and said that he was filming. The red light was flashing which could only mean that PSA's were rolling. There wasn't any cocaine in sight but there was a lovely vegetable tray. The carrots were delicious.

When the red light was turned off, I made my way onto the set. After saying hello to Mr. Whiteacre, the PSA train started rolling again. They were getting porn stars to admonish consumers to stop downloading porn for free. But not in an angry tone, (per Whiteacre's direction), but in a disappointed one. I had gotten there around 8:15 so I missed four or five PSA's. The first one I saw was with Alektra Blue.

Now I'm going to refrain from commenting on the individual PSA's as far as who did better than others. Although I have to say Ron Jeremy pretty much nailed it. He reminded me of that scene in "The Simpsons" where Krusty the clown bursts into the recording studio to do voice-over work, gets it in one take and then takes off immediately saying "Learn from a professional kid." Mr. Whiteacre was working like a madman to keep everything on track. I never saw him sit down nor did I see anyone take any breaks. From 6:00PM until 12:15AM, it was non-stop filming of porno PSA's.

The porn star I really wanted to see was Lisa Ann. She was certainly the highlight for me. No one has sex as Sarah Palin better than Lisa Ann. She walked onto the set in a tight purple shirt. So far so good. But I didn't want to interrupt the flow of the PSA shoot with some gibberish about how hot she is so I controlled myself from bothering her. However after Whiteacre was done with his shot, I managed to get a picture of her. Then I got one with me and her together. Notice the uncanny resemblance I have to David Hasselhoff. I wish I could tell you that Lisa Ann and I connected in a deep, meaningful way but I can't. She made a beeline out of the building a minute or two after that picture was taken. Farewell Lisa Ann. We'll always have this memory. Well, at least I will.

After Lisa Ann, the porn stars kept rolling in. Kimberly Kane showed up and was laughing just looking at Whiteacre. He had directed her in the still unreleased "Call Girl Daughters" and she was running the gauntlet of emotions dealing with Mr. Whiteacre.

Aggravated.

Exasperated.

Consoling.

Estatic.

The final porn star of the night was Charlie Laine. I had seen her in "Voodoo Dollz" and was excited about watching her work. She filmed a PSA just like the others but then filmed a second scene which involved taking her shirt off. Thank you Ms. Laine. You've just made my night. To make sure the scene went just right, Whiteacre got on the floor and removed her shirt for her to reveal her breasts. This is selfless dedication to your craft. There were happy-faced pasties on her nipples which conveyed the joy Charlie felt for people who don't steal her movies on the internet. So if you watch the Charlie Laine PSA, just know that it was Whiteacre who stripped her. A cherished memory for me.

I left the Valley that night a changed man. I had seen a parade of porno stars extolling the virtues of honesty and I was a better man for it. It wasn't quite the Boogie Night I thought it could be but in hindsight I'm not sure why I would imagine that. It must be because when I think of Whiteacre, I think of Call Girl Wives, Busty Cops and now Porno PSA's. He always manages to live an interesting life and for one night, I got to partake in a little part of it.


That's a wrap.

"The Hills Have Thighs" review

The Hills Have Thighs (2010)

Director: Jim Wynorski
Writer: Jim Wynorski

Frankie Cullen
Glori-Anne Gilbert
Rebecca Love
Kylee Nash
Brandin Rackley
Julie K. Smith
Diana Terranova

Julie Smith and friends are canvassing the desert for a place to have sex. One of their friends was last seen wandering through the valley of the large breasted cave women and hasn't been seen since. Can't they just let the man be? Maybe he doesn't want to be saved. But since he was good in the sack his friends need to find him. He is being held captive by mutated wild women Kylee Nash and Rebecca Love. They want to keep humping him until they drain him dry or until they find some other poor soul to satisfy their insatiable desire. Julie Smith and Brandin Rackley need to have plenty of sex so that they can have the strength to leave no stone unturned in their quest to ruin their friends cave girl orgy.

Speaking as a man who can't get enough of watching Julie Smith engage in erotic pleasure, I enjoyed "The Hills have Thighs". Horny B-movie kingpin Jim Wynorski invades late night cable with another large breasted homage to himself. Every sex scene has been filmed in some form or another in a previous Wynorski movie so why tamper with a proven formula. This time he is smart enough to let Julie Smith and her amazing breasts have three solid sex scenes. The first one has Julie showing her fidelity to her husband with some healthy marital sex in a motel room. The second scene has Julie and Brandin taking a break from their searching and indulging in some desert sapphic delight. The last scene has Julie under the influence of a sex spell and banging her friend's husband. All of these scenes showcased Julie's carnal skills and left me in awe of her as usual.

One of the exploitation elements you can always depend on in a Wynorski movie is large breasted women popping their tops. You can't depend on much else but I always take comfort in knowing that at least Wynorski loves topless women in movies as much as I do. Kylee Nash is the leader of the cave women and has plenty of cave women sex. She is frothing at the mouth during most of her sex scenes like any horny cave woman should. Her breasts are extra large and she unleashes them in many scenes for the viewer to enjoy. Rebecca Love is another large breasted wild woman who gets to release her cave woman breasts during many frantic sex scenes. Brandin Rackley is fun to watch as she seems to enjoy rolling around with whomever is naked with her at the time. And have I mentioned how much I like watching Julie Smith? Just amazing man. She has to be seen.

"The Hills have Thighs" is a typical Wynorski late night softcore movie. It has Julie Smith and her mind blowing body running wild so you know it's got to be good. Wynorski cut out a lot of filler to create a lean softcore flick that's heavy on sex and not much else. If you're up late one night and the "The Hills have Thighs" is on, it's worth a look. The women are savage and the breasts are abundant. You may want to stay lost in these hills.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 Julie Smith hills and thighs

There's gold in those hills.

"One-Eyed Monster" review

One-Eyed Monster (2008)

Director: Adam Fields
Writers: Adam Fields Jordan Fields

Amber Benson ... Laura
Jason Graham ... Jonah
Charles Napier ... Mohtz
Jeff Denton ... Jim
Caleb Mayo ... T.J.
Bart Fletcher ... Lance
Jenny Guy ... Wanda
Veronica Hart ... Veronica
John Edward Lee ... Rock
Carmen Hart ... Angel
Frank Noel ... Bus Driver
Ron Jeremy ... Ron

Ron Jeremy's one-eyed monster is on the loose. While making a porno up in the mountains, an alien spacecraft spots Ron's member and decides it needs to have it. The aliens send down a shaft of light which infests Ron's mind with thoughts of sex and depravity. Since Jeremy's mind is always infested with sex and depravity, the beam goes to work on detaching Ron's unit from his body. The one-eyed monster makes a run for it so it can go to work on impregnating all willing and unwilling females. The rest of the crew will have to figure out a way to stop Ron Jeremy's alien pecker from killing them all.

"One-Eyed Monster" is the second movie with a rampaging penis I've seen this month. I'm very proud to say that. "Bad Biology" also had a horny penis attacking every orifice it could penetrate. Maybe the monster pecker movie could become its own sub-genre in B-movies. For the penis is a monster that loves to run free and strike out into dangerous territory. A monster penis movie also makes it possible to show scenes of delirious exploitation.

Although you'd think a movie about Ron Jeremy's rampaging dick would lend itself to scene after scene of wild debauchery you'd be wrong. For a horror comedy about an alien possessed penis, "One-Eyed Monster" is deadly serious. Everybody in the movie plays it straight. It wasn't quite the alien pecker party I was hoping for. Once Ron's member breaks free, it makes a bee-line right for the one topless girl in the cast. After it finishes her off there are no other topless porno babes in sight. While it makes sense that Jeremy's monster couldn't resist the topless woman, it was not the right call for the filmmakers to make. They should have saved her until the end or at least killed a couple of the guys first.

I think that's the main problem with "One-Eyed Monster". It's a sausage party with too many guys hanging around the porno set. Charles Napier actually shows up for no reason so he can give a monologue about the penis monster he met back in 'Nam. There's a science dork who has perfected a machine that allows you to bang any chick in the world. There's also the egotistical director and the egotistical actor. But where are the women? How is Ron Jeremy' monster supposed to get all the action it can handle when you skimp out on the babes? Veronica Hart, (from the great "Amanda by Night"), shows up to put her MILF body to good use but it's not enough to save the movie.

Although "One-Eyed Monster" has some funny scenes and is well acted, (especially Jason Graham who plays his role in the alien penis movie with utmost sincerity), it doesn't need to be seen. It had a lot of potential but it doesn't take the time to explore the fantastic possibilities that Ron Jeremy's possessed penis had to offer. But if you do end up watching it,there's always some entertainment value when Ron Jeremy and his member show up.

One last thought, "One-Eyed Monster" fails in handling the single most crucial element in the film. The one-eyed monster does not look like Jeremy's penis. I've seen that penis in action and I can assure you that the rubber dick strangling people is not the legendary porn shaft we have all grown to admire. Ron Jeremy's member is not just a dangling piece of porno meat. It is THE dangling piece of porno meat. It's what we mortal men look up to. His mighty member was probably too scary for the filmmakers so they had to go for a stunt double. Ron Jeremy is a source of admiration and one day his proud pecker will be encased in gold for all the world to treasure. Well, maybe not but Ron Jeremy's one eyed monster is still pretty scary.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 Ron Jeremy monsters

The man.

The Myth.The Legend.

Is there anything he can't do?

"Blood Scarab" review

Blood Scarab (2008)

Director: Donald F. Glut
Writer: Donald F. Glut

Monique Parent ... Countess Elizabeth Bathory (as Monique T. Parent)
Del Howison ... Renfield
Brinke Stevens ... Professor Foran
Tony Clay ... Dracula
Natasha Diakova ... Mina
Cindy Pucci ... Tanya
Christina Morris ... Samantha
Angelica Monro ... Hathor
Ange Maya ... Hathor's Handmaiden
Veronica ... Hathor's Handmaiden
Jackeline Olivier ... Elana

Mia Zottoli... Hor Sep Sut (as Ava Niche)

Dracula and his wife, (Monique Parent), are getting bored with the constraints of being a vampire. After Dracula dies because he was peeping too long at some naked women, Monique decides she needs to find a way to stay in the sun. Her trusty man servant reads about some old B-movies like "The Mummy's Kiss" and learns that the key to immortality is a cheap mummy. Through a convoluted series of events, a mummy's naked soul is released and grants Monique the power to get a suntan on one condition. She must suck the blood out of three topless women. Monique is up to the task of pleasing her new goddess.

"Blood Scarab" is a pointless movie but it's still strangely watchable. There are many B-movie elements raging throughout the movie that gives you the illusion that an interesting movie is about to start. There are vampires, mummies, blood, random topless women, topless Egyptian goddesses, a flashback to a topless Mia Zottoli, and Monique Parent's legs. Surely something exciting is bound to happen. But after many false starts, it became apparent that the filmmakers weren't sure what kind of movie they wanted to make. It's neither fish nor fowl, softcore or horror. All they knew is that if there's a random topless women every ten minutes, the audience will stay awake until the end.

I rented "Blood Scarab" because I saw that Mia Zottoli was in it. This excited me because I hadn't seen a new Zottoli movie in awhile. But it turns out that Mia's appearance in the movie is just a flashback to a brief sex scene in "The Mummy's Kiss". At least "Blood Scarab" had the sense to get some naked scenes of Mia in the movie. But where is Mia these days? Somebody please bring her back to life. The B-movie world needs her. Well if not, I'd still appreciate it.

While Monique Parent's legs are amazing, "Blood Scarab" doesn't have enough vampire (or mummy) sleaze to demand a viewing. It can be skipped. Although if you do end up watching it, there is something gratifying about watching Monique use her long legs to seduce any female she lays eyes on. But none of the seduction scenes last long enough for pure lesbian vampire satisfaction. Monique sunk her fangs too quickly into their ample bosoms for my tastes. Mistress Monique needed to take her time and enjoy the perks of being a day-walking Egyptian vampire goddess.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Monique Parent legs

Mistress Monique and friend.

"Voodoo Dollz" review

Voodoo Dollz (2008)

Director: Fred Olen Ray
Writer: Fred Olen Ray

Christine Nguyen ... Christina
Beverly Lynne ... Jilly
Monique Parent ... Miss Dambahla
Charlie Laine ... Maria
Nicole Sheridan ... Sandra
Voodoo ... Jeff (as Alexandre Boisvert)
Syren ... Miss Santana
Kitty ... Meg (as Kitty Katzu)
Michelle Bauer... Miss Anton

Christine Nguyen is a bad girl. She gets caught having sex with another naughty girl in her school locker room. They are both dressed in school girl uniforms and wearing pig tails so you know that they're extra naughty. Headmistress Michelle Bauer decides to punish her by sending her away to a boarding school for lesbian witches. I only wish Michelle had bent her over and given her a good spanking before she left. Once Christine gets to Monique Parent's school for horny lesbians, the witches welcome her to their sapphic coven. There is some nonsense about voodoo dolls and sacrifices but it's just filler to give you a little breather until the next lesbian scene gets started.

"Voodoo Dollz" is a Fred Olen Ray triumph. The key to its success can be summed up in two words: Lesbian sex. Sweet, beautiful, softcore lesbian sex. "Voodoo Dollz" embraces the most sacred rule of late night entertainment. For it is written: He who films pretty girls kissing each other is sure to find success after midnight on Cinemax. "Voodoo Dollz" has only one guy in it and that was one guy too many for my tastes. But at least it kept the men to a bare minium so the ladies could have their fun.

Oh and what fun it was. The first lesbian scene has Christine and Kitty making out in the locker room. This was a great scene which started the movie down the path to success. Michelle Bauer shows up and does not get involved with any of the women. This made me sad as I was hoping for some tender loving between her and Christine. But when the movie shifts to sapphic school, there's plenty of lesbian affection to keep you entertained. Christine and Nicole Sheridan have a good sex scene with the help of a voodoo sex toy. But the best sex scene was between Charlie Laine and Syren which is only marred by some idiotic guy peeping on them. Ray needs to stop interrupting the action with scenes of goofballs staring at the naked women. The last thing I want to see during an abundance of nipple licking is some grinning moron's face. Please, let's stop the madness. It's for the best.

But let's pause for a moment and reflect on what the ladies of Cinemax have meant to our lives. Where would we be today without these softcore divas to entertain us late at night? I'm talking about Beverly Lynne, Julie Smith, Nikki Fritz, Julian Wells, AJ Khan, Kim Dawson, Nikki Nova and many others who have sweat, screamed and moaned until we couldn't take anymore and went to bed. Women who fill our hearts with lust for the perfect female body and show us the proper way to make sweet love on a desk, chair or sofa. These women are invaluable to B-movies.

"Voodoo Dollz" proves that point as it would be completely worthless without the women. It's softcore movies like this that make you stop and realize the power these women have. Their very existence in a B-movie dictates whether it's going to succeed or fail. Christine Nguyen and friends know how to conjure up that softcore voodoo magic. The overdose of B-movie women in "Voodoo Dollz" ensures a pleasant late night romp.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 Cinemax bad girls