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Saturday, May 22, 2010

"The Graves" review

The Graves (2009)

Director: Brian Pulido
Writer: Brian Pulido

Clare Grant... Megan Graves
Amanda Wyss... Darlene
Tony Todd... Reverend Abraham
Bill Moseley... Caleb
Jillian Murray... Abby Graves
Cathy Rankin... Valerie Mills
Patti Tindall... Becka Crane
Bill Lippincott... Dad
Brian Pulido... M. Mischief

Two hot sisters are into comic books and horror culture. The Graves make a great team cruising through comic book stores and driving the geeks crazy. They decide to have one more sister outing before they're torn apart. One of the Graves is going to college and her big sister wants to show her a good time before she goes. So naturally, they head for an abandoned ghost town. Of course they do. Unfortunately for the Graves girls, they've stepped into a mediocre horror film. Before you know it, killers are springing up all over the ghost town. They'll have to contend with a slow moving blacksmith, a freak in a pig nose and an outrageously hammy Reverend if they want to get out of town alive.

There's not much to get excited about over "The Graves". It truly defines the word mediocre. Everything happens exactly as you would expect. When the sisters arrive at the ghost town, you expect someone to chase them down. There's an evil blacksmith who wants to kill every tourist in sight. He starts to run after the girls but he's been eating too many cheeseburgers and starts wheezing after jogging for ten seconds. The Graves run circles around him and don't have much trouble dispatching him to blacksmith heaven. Although I was sure that someone was going to chase the girls through the ghost town, I didn't think he'd be this inept at stalking his prey. I was certain the movie was over at this point. I was wrong.

Just when you thought the Graves had survived the movie, along comes more trouble in the form of a pig-nosed freak. Seems like the blacksmith was his brother and now he wants to have his turn chasing hot babes through the desert. This leads to more mediocrity as the pig freak pounces on the hottest of the Graves, (Clare Grant), so he can bore her with his fantasies. The Graves use teamwork again to get out of their freak situation. I was relieved. The movie was finally over and I could get away from the Graves. I was wrong again.

Now the entire town chases after the Graves. Will this madness ever end? Reverend Tony Todd wants to sacrifice the sisters to appease some demon. This leads to an amazingly hammy performance by Reverend Todd as he summons the loud, screeching garbage demon. This leads to an even more amazingly mediocre fight which finally, mercifully ends the movie. The Graves can leave town and I can go to bed.

"The Graves" is a mediocre horror movie divided into three banal parts. The best thing you can say about it is that it's competently filmed. But since nothing scary or interesting happens on the Graves B-movie road trip, it's not worth watching. "The Graves" can be skipped.

One last thought, I have to mention the biggest letdown with "The Graves". It's the Graves themselves. The Graves do not get naked. This is a tragedy. Especially when you take the time to name your horror movie after the sisters and don't have the common decency to show us the Graves in all of their glory. I can't stress enough how important gratuitous nudity is to B-movies. A couple of shots of the Graves running topless through the desert could have saved this movie. Well maybe not but it would have at least provided one lively B-movie moment. As it is, "The Graves" is dead and buried.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Graves babes

5 comments:

The White Wolf said...

Can I just state that I think both Bill Mosely and Tony Todd are fucking HORRIBLE actors?

Can I do that?

And I think there should be some kind of 'test' to know whether a chick should make her way from Arkansas to LA: 'Do you have nice tits?'

Cuz it should be a prerequisite for 'starring' in a film.

For dudes, they should just be able to act beyond douche.

Dr. Gore said...

I can't agree with your assessment of Moseley and Todd's acting ability but I can certainly agree there needs to be a vigorous screening of potential B-movie starlets. There has to be a commitment to the exploitation arts. The Graves babes didn't have it in them.

As for Todd and Moseley, there is always the danger that the filmmakers will let them overact. Since they are horror movie favorites now, it sometimes feels like they're behaving as if they're doing the B-movie a favor with their prescence. It might be hard to tell them no.

the sneering (homo-phobic) snob said...

I want to bugger A-girl-da Wyss (as she was in 1978 when she was 18, not as she is now obviously). By the way, once again i had to change the second syllable of her first name because of my murderous homo-phobia.

Dr. Gore said...

But what if a murderous monster was refered to as a man-eater? Would you change the name to girl-eater? Would the famous phrase "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind?" become "a small step for girls, one giant leap for girlkind?"

the sneering (homo-phobic) snob said...

Strickly speaking it would be better if those phrases were changed in the ways that you suggested, my murderous homo-phobia knows no bounds, i just want to see gorgeous naked 18 year-old girls everywhere i look.