Sunday, April 01, 2012

"Bikini Time Machine" review

Bikini Time Machine (2011)

Director: Fred Olen Ray
Writer: Fred Olen Ray

Joslyn James ... Lara
Kylee Nash ... Sara
Jenna Presley ... Kandy
T.J. Commings ... Teddy
Ted Newsom ... Watergate
Trish Cook ... Purvis
Nick Manning ... Hippy
Sara Sloane ... Princess

Time Travel. Only brave bikini time travelers have the courage to attempt such a feat. Kylee Nash and Joslyn James want to travel through the fourth dimension. They want to rip open a wormhole so that they can unlock the secrets of the universe. Like, why is Fred Olen Ray so obsessed with bikinis? They try to go back in time to witness a young Fred falling in love with bikini babes at the drive-in. Well, actually they don’t. But it would have made for a more interesting movie. Instead they have a lot of sex in another mindless Cinemax movie.

“Bikini Time Machine” starts off with a great sex scene. Intrepid time traveler Jenna Presley leaps into the abyss so that she can make out with a large breasted princess. Sara Sloane, (AKA Sarah Vandella), is eager to show her how to make sweet love to royalty. You see, one of the side effects of time travel is that you arrive at your destination extremely horny. A nice side effect to be sure especially if you happen to run into blondes with huge racks. This scene is quite pleasant as Jenna and Sarah take the time to get to know each other’s bodies and the viewer rejoices.

But then it’s all over and Jenna and Sarah leave the movie forever. I want to go back in time and see it again! But time marches on and we are stuck with some asinine movie where Joslyn is going to lose the family diner for some reason or another and no one cares. At this point you’ll want to hop into the time machine and go to the end of the film. That is where the last good sex scene awaits.

I believe if I’m not mistaken, (or slept through the dialogue), that Kylee and Joslyn are supposed to be sisters. If they are, then the last sex scene is so beautifully sleazy I have to give Ray credit for going the extra mile. Kylee and Joslyn use the time machine to get some lotto numbers but don’t count on the horny side effect to slow them down. Kylee decides that they just have to go for it if they are ever going to concentrate long enough to finish their lotto number task. Their sex scene is good but knowing that they’re horny sisters makes it even better. I don’t know about you but I like my softcore dirty.

“Bikini Time Machine” is a typical Ray softcore flick which is enlivened by Jenna’s and Kylee’s ample bosoms. Large breasts. Huge tits. I could go on and on but you get the idea. But be sure to hop in the DeLorean right after Jenna’s scene and set the flux capacitor to the Kylee and Joslyn rendezvous. Your future will be much brighter.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 bikini time travelers


Blue Highwind said...

Kylee Nash? No thanks. She's got the nastiest tits in all of porn.

Dr. Gore said...

Oh I don't know about that. Probably the fakest tits in porn but not the nastiest. Giant balloon tits have their place in softcore along with the natural beauties. And always remember that enthusiasm goes a long way. And Kylee can fake an orgasm with the best of them.

willy jerk-off said...

I want to perform every sex-act in the known universe on Kylee Nash ! ! !.

Anonymous said...

Awaiting more posts!

Dr. Gore said...

Soon. Very soon. Not too soon. But soon.

willy jerk-off said...

Forget it Doc, just carry on fucking, buggering, and sodomizing those gorgeous strippers indefinitely instead.

Dr. Gore said...

I'm coming up for air from stripper sodomizing. Strippers...hmm. That could be my next review...hmmm...

Anonymous said...

Great blog, man