Friday, January 29, 2010

"The Telling" review

The Telling (2009)

Nicholas Carpenter
Joe Lessard

Holly Madison ... Stephanie
Christina Rosenberg ... Amber (as Lola La Belle)
Nicole Zeoli ... Roxy
Najarra Townsend ... Brianna
Angela Davies ... Brianna's Mom (as Angela Nicholas)
Wesley Stiller ... Greg
Alyssa Price ... Megan
Sara Jean Underwood ... Tracey
Christina Iannuzzi ... Brittney
Jessica Rizo ... Tiffany
Ashley Noel ... Brandi

A hot babe sorority is having an initiation night for some plain looking girls at the Mansion. Since they caused the death of an average, typical, bland looking girl last year by mocking her revolting normalcy, they had to make up for it by letting three mundane, ordinary, common women try to join their supermodel sorority. Instead of having the pledges take part in a mud wrestling contest, (like any good sorority should), they decide they want each of them to tell them a scary story. The first story concerns an evil female doll and the love triangle that evil female dolls inevitably create. The second story is about a Hollywood star who takes a job in Europe with some maniacal fiends. The last story tells the tale of good girls gone bad when they prank call a psycho killer.

Hey, I've got a fourth scary story for you. It's about a guy who rents a horror movie that's jammed pack with Playboy Bunnies, filmed at the Mansion and yet not one single bunny hops out of her clothes for the entire movie. AHHHHHHH!!! I'm shaking at the very thought of it. I sure hope that nightmare never comes true. Oh wait, it did. It was called "The Telling".

"The Telling" is a typical B-movie hustle. It promises you Holly Madison and Playboy bunnies and instead you get three lame stories that have nothing to do with Holly or her Madisons. All I wanted was for Holly Madison to run around the Playboy Mansion while some buxom Girl Next Door chased her around with an axe. Was I asking too much? Once again, the answer is yes.

As a horror movie, "The Telling" has no chance of being scary. Knowing that the real story is happening back at the Mansion, the pledges lame attempts at horror fall flat even before they start talking. The only story that had a chance of being interesting was the evil female doll tale. If that had gone in a sleazy direction, it might have captured my interest. But it was routine and tedious as were the other horror stories.

I just don't understand why B-movie filmmakers cannot embrace the art of exploitation. How can you have a room full of Playboy bunnies and not know what to do with them? What was the point of this movie if not to involve Holly Madison in the horror flick? It's as if the filmmakers had one night to film the bunnies and then Hefner kicked them out. Holly couldn't leave the Mansion so they had to film the rest of the movie around their all night session.

"The Telling" can be skipped. It serves no purpose. It's not scary and it certainly is not titillating. The best thing I can say about it is that at least its filmed competently. It doesn't drag too much so the movie doesn't linger long enough to hurt you. "The Telling" almost feels like a vanity project but I can't imagine whose vanity would actually need it.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 sorority playmates

1 comment:

the sneering (homo-phobic) snob said...

Yes admittedly in B-movie terms it may well be pretentious, highbrow, elitist hogwash but i`d still love to bugger every hot babe in this movie.