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Sunday, January 10, 2010

"Albino Farm" review

Albino Farm (2009)

Directors:
Joe Anderson Sean McEwen
Writers:
Joe Anderson Sean McEwen

Tammin Sursok ... Stacey
Chris Jericho ... Levi
Richard Christy ... Caleb
Duane Whitaker ... Jeremiah
Sunkrish Bala ... Sanjay
Nick Richey ... Brian
Alicia Lagano ... Melody
Kevin Spirtas ... Preacher
Christopher Michael White ... Jacob
Alex Neustaedter ... Samuel
Bianca Barnett ... Pig Bitch

A bunch of college students head out into the country to see how many rednecks they can deride before getting killed. The obnoxious leader of the group gets a tip about a local legend called the Albino Farm. He wants to check out this ghost story while the responsible girl in the group wants to stay far away from a farm that has Albinos. But because this is a horror movie they all eventually, (slowly, very slowly), end up at the farm. The legend turns out to be true as various freaks of nature attack them for no reason. Screams echo through the night as you bellow that you've wasted your time on another bland horror flick.

"Albino Farm" is an amazingly uninteresting movie. There's no glaring technical deficiency on display that would distract you from this exercise in hillbilly horror. But I wish there was because "Albino Farm" is severely lacking in entertainment value. It pummels you to death with every annoying horror movie cliche imaginable. From the clueless teens who can't wait to go into the spooky haunted house, to the creepy townsfolk scaring the teens, to the bored viewer watching this movie, it's all here.

If you've ever seen a hillbilly horror flick, you've seen a better movie than "Albino Farm". Everything happens exactly as you would expect. The teens drive into town, make fun of the hicks, sprint out to their early graves at the Albino Farm and the movie ends. There's not even any delirious exploitation scenes to praise. Couldn't we have had at least one freaky scene at the farm? "Albino Farm" is a waste of time. It can be skipped.

One last thought, there are actually two positive attributes to "Albino Farm" worth mentioning. The first one is its title. It's a good hillbilly horror title as it conjures up images of deformed freaks committing depraved acts at the farm. Well, at least it did for me. I felt there must have been something horrifying down on the Albino Farm. I was wrong.

The only other positive thing to say about "Albino Farm" is that it contains a spectacular credit for its main monster. "Pig Bitch". Pig Bitch, (Bianca Barnett), is the deranged beast who does most of the hunting and killing of obnoxious college students. Unfortunately most of the kill scenes were shot in almost complete darkness so it was hard to admire the Pig Bitch's work. The only thing that could have saved this movie is if they had changed the title to "Pig Bitch" and let the beast break away from the Albino Farm. She has too much blood lust to sit around waiting for fools to show up at the farm. Let the Pig Bitch run wild and we'll all be better for it.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 pig bitches

5 comments:

the sneering (homo-phobic) snob said...

Dr. Gore, i have to disagree with your rating for this movie, i`d have given it 2.5 out of 4. I saw this film a few months ago now on a good quality pirate DVD (courtesy of the little chinese bird {still no blow-job unfortunately but i still live in hope}) and i thought the ending especially was a marvellous tribute to the ending of the 1963 cult item "THE MAN WITH X-RAY EYES", there were also a couple of hot chicks in the movie and i must admit it was disapointing that we didn`t get to see them naked especially the bird with big tits she was breathtaking.

Heather said...

Uh, Dr. Gore... You're usually spot on, but did we see the same movie?? Did someone piss in your hillbilly-grits before you watched albino farm? I loved it! I thought it was good old fashioned horror film fun! The acting was solid, good pop scares and the gore was far above other similar genre fare. I give it 2.5 stars easy!!!

Dr. Gore (drgore@hotmail.com) said...

We continue to agree to disagree. "Albino Farm" was pretty disappointing. Although technically speaking it probably should get a 2 out of 4 score for at least being filmed competently. But that's as high as I'd go.

It's just reeks of "been there done that". Nothing new. Nothing interesting. Yeah, pretty disappointing. Although I'm glad to hear that you're still getting your horror DVD's from your Chinese connection. Some day...

Dr. Gore (drgore@hotmail.com) said...

Heather,

You dare disagree with me?! I am always spot on. The spot is on Heather!

Just kidding. As a matter of fact, the Pig Bitch pissed in my scattered and smothered hash browns, spit some tobacco juice in my face, and then started humping my leg. I had to beat her with a stick before we started making some bacon. Or would that make an inglorious Pig Bastard?

So I guess I was a little biased before seeing "Albino Farm". Either that or the movie bored me to tears. We saw the same movie but I was not enjoying the visit to the farm. Although the Pig Bitch had some feral charm.

jervaise brooke hamster said...

I wonder if Heather is a gorgeous little sexpot ?.