Monday, December 06, 2010

"Mega Snake" review

Mega Snake (2007)

Michael Shanks ... Les Daniels
Siri Baruc ... Erin
Michal Yannai ... Fay (as Michal Yanai)
Ben Cardinal ... Screaming Hawk
John T. Woods ... Duff Daniels
Todd Jensen ... Big Bo
Nick Harvey ... Cooley

The snake wrangling church needs a new snake to shake up their Sunday services. But why settle for a normal snake when you can have a mega snake? The pastor of the church heads over to a snake store run by a surly indian named Screaming Hawk. The mega snake is not for sale as it has many restrictions on ownership. Faster than you can say "Gremlins", Screaming Hawk lays out the three rules of proper mega snake handling. Don't let the snake out of the jar. Don't let it eat anything alive. And don't let it star in a B-movie. Naturally all of these rules are broken fairly quickly as the pastor steals the snake so that this movie can get started. Eventually the snake grows into a mystical beast that eats pretty much anything that gets in its path. So before the whole town gets digested as mega snake food, the bravest warriors band together to defeat this gluttonous CGI monster.

"Mega Snake" is a proud B-movie. An unashamed rip-off of worthier movies. "Gremlins" and "Anaconda" are the two main rip-offs. The mega snake has all the rules that a Mogwai has and its rules were meant to be broken. Actually, they have to be broken or there wouldn't be a movie. The snake can also move as quickly as the snake in "Anaconda". It's amazing that a snake that size can slither through the woods and still sneak up on people. There is also a lunkheaded mayor, (ripping off "Jaws"), who refuses to cancel the carnival even with a giant snake bearing down on it.

There are no surprises waiting for you in "Mega Snake". All of the cliches and B-movie moments that you would expect are here. Once the mega snake has found his way out of the jar, the rest of the movie becomes a seemingly never ending series of snake attacks. There are the two country bumpkins who decide to hunt the snake themselves leading to predictably disastrous results. There is a scene where the snake tears his way through the carnival leaving headless bodies in his wake. There are so many scenes of unrestrained snake violence that I'm having trouble remembering them all. It was a snake orgy of gore.

But even though "Mega Snake" played out exactly as I knew it would, I still find myself being mildly entertained by it all. "Mega Snake" didn't promise me the world and I wasn't expecting it. It promised me a mega snake and that's exactly what it gave me. So if you're an undemanding lover of giant snake movies, you'll find something to like in "Mega Snake". If not, you can leave this mega snake in his jar. And don't feed him after midnight. Or get him wet. Or am I thinking of a better movie?

SCORE: 2 out of 4 mega snake skins

Don't feed the mega snake.

1 comment:

willy jerk-off said...

Thats a classic shot of the snake going for the birds twat, i`d love to see that snake stuck deep up that birds bum, that would be perfection.