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Wednesday, June 02, 2010

"Bikini Girls on Ice" review


Bikini Girls on Ice (2009)


I was sent this DVD. I wasn't expecting it but there it was. "Bikini Girls on Ice". Clearly, this was a movie I was meant to see. Someone out there knew I needed to experience this very important film. What wonders were in store for me? Would there be bikini girls? Would they be on ice? What does Bikini Girls on Ice mean anyway? I didn't have anything more important to do that fateful day but find out for myself.

A girl's soccer team is stranded at a maniac's gas station. They were on their way to a bikini car wash when their bus broke down. The girl's decide to make the most out of their predicament and have the car wash outside the psycho's front door. Anyone who dares to venture inside the gas station is greeted by the mad killer Moe. Moe the maniac likes to kill bikini girls and stick them in his cooler. They become bikini girls on ice. Half the soccer team will be slaughtered inside the tiny gas station before anyone realizes they're stuck in a horror movie. The bikini girls start running and screaming in circles in a desperate attempt to escape the mad clutches of Moe.

"Bikini Girls on Ice" was a B-movie with potential. It piqued my interest with thoughts of bikini girls and car washes and the inevitable slashers that these exploitation elements create. But there is a fatal flaw in this movie which kills the entertainment value of watching dead bikini girls shoved into freezers. It's something I find myself lamenting far more often than I should. Shamefully, there isn't any nudity at the bikini car wash. Yet another B-movie tragedy.

So without naked bikini girls to enjoy, what other visual thrills does this movie have to offer? Not much I'm afraid. The filmmakers found an abandoned gas station and decided to build a slasher flick around it. People keep walking into the building and then promptly get attacked by Moe. There is no logical way that all of these people could get slaughtered without anyone hearing it. The gas station is barely large enough to walk through and Moe likes to scream and shout when he's butchering bodies. Fifty minutes go by before anyone realizes that something is amiss in the old gas station. The remaining bikini girls, (two), scream and run from room to room, (three), in a desperate attempt to get the horror movie started. It's too late bikini girl.

"Bikini Girls on Ice" is a dud. It's not scary, has almost no gore, and, most importantly, there are no naked bikini babes. I suppose you could appreciate the fact that the title didn't lie. There were plenty of bikini girls. And yes, Moe did put a lot of the dead ones in a cooler full of ice. But other than that, "Bikini Girls on Ice" doesn't have much in the way of thrilling entertainment to offer. It can be skipped.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 frozen bikini girls

2 comments:

The White Wolf said...

Is this a symptom of some kinda feminist movement destroying tiddies on tee-vee?

Like what the NAACP did to Blaxploitation - and therefore WORK for black actors and filmmakers!

Or is every filmmaker happy just to get a blowjob in their trailer and call it a success?

It surely can't be the 'actors' demanding it, 'cuz I'd put a sign on the door that reads: SHOW YOUR TIDDIES OR GO THE FUCK HOME!

the sneering (homo-phobic) snob said...

I know this is something i`ve girl-tioned before but there must be some way to digitally mask out those bikinis whilst still retaining the images of the lushious goodies that lie beneath...THERE MUST BE SOME BLOODY WAY TO DO THAT...THERE MUST BE!!!.