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Saturday, March 21, 2009

"Lights Camera Dead" review

Lights Camera Dead (2007)

Director: Tim Reaper
Writers: Monica Reaper Tim Reaper

Wes Reid... Ryan Black
Amy Lollo... Kari Price
J.C. Lira... Steven Didymus
Monica Moehring... Melanie
Coldon Martin... Ted
Ashby Brooks... T-Love
Stephanie Caston... Kari's mother
Richard Christy... The Composer

I was sent this DVD. My friend came over so that we could have a horror movie double feature. Nothing says good times like horror movie double feature. It was "Lights Camera Dead" followed by "The Vampire Diaries". I had been shamefully neglecting the DVD's that had been sent to me so I felt the need to have a blowout marathon. My friend agreed it was time for B-movie madness.

But the first step in any good movie marathon is Chipotle. We took out the GPS system so Karen, (the GPS has a female Australian accent), could tell us the most efficient route to Marina del Rey. But since I enjoy tormenting Karen, I often don't listen to her level headed instructions. "In point four miles, turn right at Fiji way. Turn right. I said turn right. Why don't you listen to me you idiot? Sigh.... Recalculating." That's right. I'm smarter than the satellite stalking me from heaven. At least I think I am.

So after dodging traffic accidents and a few missed turns, (why didn't I listen to Karen when I had the chance?!), we finally made it to the Chipotle oasis near the marina. After a satisfying burrito bowl and Negra Modelo, we moved the party over to Pinkberry. We ordered yogurts to go, (Is Pinkberry really yogurt? I don't know but it's tasty.), and headed back home. During the entire drive back, I ignored Karen's pleas to follow her course. She was recalculating throughout the entire trip. I was torturing her so bad with my indifference we had to power her down just to ease her recalculating mind before her mainframe blew and the satellite dropped from the sky.

Now I was ready for "Lights Camera Dead". A low budget film crew is trying to complete their zombie flick but little things keep preventing them from achieving success. You know, like money, time, reality, etc. When a disobedient editor tries to get the filmmakers to concede that they only have enough footage for a short film, this leads to murder and a brilliant idea. They decide to add some footage to the film by attacking their hated actors and filming the carnage. There's nothing more dangerous than a determined B-movie director. The actors will pay a heavy price for daring to slow down the movie making machine.

"Lights Camera Dead" is what I would refer to as a camcorder movie. The kind of B-flick that is made in the backyard with a bunch of friends over a long weekend. It's hard to take the hammer to these kind of movies as it's obvious that the people involved are movie fans just trying to take a stab at producing some low budget thrills. But it's even harder to say nice things about it because it is clearly made in somebody's backyard with a bunch of friends over a long weekend.

I tried to give in to "Lights Camera Dead" and it's cheap charm but it was no use. I was hoping for a simple zombie movie but the filmmakers really went out of their way to make an unnecessarily convoluted story. Well, it wasn't that convoluted but it took about an hour before anything remotely horror related happened. The rest of the movie is trying to treat us to the trials and tribulations of making a low budget movie. There are no zombies in "Lights Camera Dead", only filmmakers with insatiable bloodlust. This wasn't the horror movie I wanted to see.

Speaking of horror, where was it hiding in "Lights Camera Dead"? There's nothing scary or particularly gory about the movie. The only thing horrifying about the movie was the fact that they let the woman with the largest breasts keep her top on throughout the entire movie. [Side note: A female reader recently asked me why I wanted every B-movie to have topless women in it. The answer is obvious. They make every pointless movie a little better. If I can't find anything good to say, I can always look back on the breasts. A topless scene lets me know that the filmmakers care.] But "Lights Camera Dead" shamefully kept their lead actress clothed so I must scold it for that.

Overall, I wasn't satisfied with "Lights Camera Dead". It need a little more exploitation, a little more gore and a lot more horror to make it a solid B-movie. But I had some Chipotle so the evening wasn't a total loss. My friend looked a little beat up after this one but after a five minute break we were back at it. The marathon goes on...

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 fully clothed dead babes

3 comments:

thebonebreaker said...

So, what about The Vampire Diaries?!?
[I'm assuming you are speaking of Part 1: Thicker than Water]

the sneering (homo-phobic) snob said...

i like the picture of the girl covered in red stuff, however i much prefer to see girls covered in white stuff.

Dr. Gore (drgore@hotmail.com) said...

By white stuff, I'm sure you're referring to powdered sugar. Or perhaps the way women look when they're covered in snowflakes after a wintery day.

Yes, I'm sure that's what you meant.