Sunday, May 04, 2008

"Harlots of the Caribbean" review

Harlots of the Caribbean (2006)
AKA Bikini Pirates
AKA My day at the Pier

Nicole Sheridan ... Jill
Voodoo ... Dustin (as Alexandre Boisvert)
Beverly Lynne ... Susan
Randy Spears ... Joe
Evan Stone ... Captain Tygus
Rebecca Love ... Morganna the Pirate
Cassie Young ... Morganna's Captive

Did you know today was the last day to ride the Ferris wheel at the Santa Monica Pier? They’ve sold it on ebay to some guy in Oklahoma City. He says he’s going to put it in one of his suburban developments. A new Ferris wheel will be installed at the Pier soon but before the old one got broken down and shipped off, I thought I’d head down there and give it one last ride. Actually it’ll be my first and last ride as I have never been on it before.

So I hit the 3rd St. Promenade and walked toward the Pier. The Promenade begs the question, how many hustlers can I run into before making it to the Pier? I had headphones around my neck to discourage conversation but of course that didn’t stop the guy from asking me if I was looking to buy something? I smiled at him and kept going. I always smile. Remember this 3rd St. safety tip: Smile.

I made it to the Pier and headed toward the Ferris wheel.There was an Iraq war protest going on which looked interesting. Coffins and grave markers littered the Santa Monica beach.I took this as an ominous sign. But I had made it this far so I had to keep going. The line was a little long because everybody got to ride for free today. I put the headphones on and waited patiently.

I finally make it to the front of the line. Oh boy oh boy oh boy! As I’m getting on the Ferris wheel, Gary Busey walks off. That’s right. Mr. “Silver Bullet” himself walks off the Ferris wheel with a blonde woman. If this ride is good enough for Busey, it’s good enough for me. Busey, (in the white baseball cap), knows how to party.
You see, a Ferris wheel is a lot like a late night skin flick. It has its ups and downs. Sometimes it seems to drag on forever and you just want to get off as quickly as possible. Sometimes it leaves you hanging limp in the wind. And sometimes it gives you a beautiful view and you just want to soak it in forever.“Harlots of the Caribbean” is a Ferris wheel sex flick. Some scenes are worth soaking in while others need to end as soon as possible. Beverly Lynne and friends head to the countryside to have sex. They have an old pirate treasure map which tells them the best place to get naked. X marks the spot with S-E being right in front of the X. Make that XXX. Rebecca Love is the large breasted pirate queen who really wants to get laid. She gets her wish as everyone wants to walk her plank. Arrrh me hearty’s.

I love watching Beverly Lynne get laid. She just seems like a woman you could have a shot with. You know, someone you could hang out with and have some fun. Of course the Beverly Lynne of my fantasies could all be a lie. But what a sweet lie it is. Rebecca Love has the kind of all purpose body you could spend a few quality hours with. And I’m talking quality! Her scene with Nicole Sheridan at the end was the highlight of the movie.

There were some other sex scenes but there really not worth dwelling on. Nicole Sheridan looks and acts like the porn star she is. Nothing about her seems remotely real. Her scene in the shower made me want to jump overboard. But then again the last scene with Rebecca makes me want to sing YO-HO-HO and a bottle of rum! I don’t know why but it does. So if you’re looking for some late night fun with a few good panoramic views, “Harlots of the Caribbean” is not a bad ride.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Ferris wheels


Michael Whiteacre said...

This review might just be your finest work, my friend. Bravo!

Dr. Gore ( said...

Thank you. You're too kind. (Blowing kisses). It was a day filled with Ferris wheels and it needed to be shared.