Friday, July 31, 2009

"One Million Heels B.C." review

One Million Heels B.C. (1993)

Director: Gary Graver

Michelle Bauer... Cavegirl
Cierra Knight
Jerica Fox... Savannah

I purchased the DVD for "Scream Queen Hot Tub Party" and this short film was the bonus feature. "One Million Heels B.C." is an interesting exercise in gratuitous nudity. Michelle Bauer is a cave girl who ends up at the house of two strippers. The girls are fascinated with their new roommate and decide to show her the ways of the 20th Century stripper. The rest of the movie covers such important topics as dressing, undressing, washing, scrubbing, soaping, rinsing, wearing heels, taking off heels, putting on stockings, taking off stockings, and, most importantly, putting on bras and taking off bras.

So if you are looking for non-stop T&A with no plot whatsoever, look no further. "One Million Heels B.C." is a milestone in the history of short films. It is a pure voyeurs delight. This movie is about admiring the naked female body. It is about nothing else. And who has the best body to lust after? Why, Michelle Bauer of course.

The real reason I wanted to talk about this mindless movie was to praise Michelle Bauer and her contribution to B-cinema. She has saved many dire movies from the landfill. Every time I see her name attached to a B-flick, it reassures me that the night won't be a total loss. Her hard body has been thrown into battle against dinosaurs, imps and other assorted B-creatures. Bauer usually ends up topless and proceeds to vanquish her foes. I've enjoyed watching her B-movie antics for years and would rank her up near the top of the scream queen list.

For pure Michelle Bauer satisfaction, check out "Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers" or "Nightmare Sisters". They are her two best movies. But if you want to cut to the chase and see Michelle in all her cave-girl glory, "One Million Heels BC." could be a satisfying short cut to Michelle nirvana.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 B-queen Bauers

1 comment:

Michael Whiteacre said...

R.I.P. Gary Graver. I miss you every time I step on set.

Gary was the D.P on the very first sets I ever visited -- Jim Wynorski and Fred Olen Ray movies. From those encounters, and from the times we worked on sets together (I, often a lowly P.A.), I learned virtually everything I know about cameras and lenses. I asked, and he was glad to teach. A wonderful, funny, and charming man -- and from the list of women he dated from the late 60's onward, quite the ladies man as well. His lady Jillian is gone now too, and I'm saddened that I never had the chance to say goodbye to them.