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Saturday, July 25, 2009

"Carnivore" review

Carnivore (2000)

Directors: Joseph Kurtz Kenneth Mader
Writers:Joseph Kurtz Kenneth Mader

Steven Walker ... Doctor Westmont
Jack Solem ... DIA Director John Burroughs
J. Douglas Martner ... General Stalwart
Michael Hogan ... Director Burroughs' Aide
Jill Adcock ... Dana Anderson

A secret government experiment is being carried out in an abandoned house. They're creating a monster for various nefarious reasons. Soon the monster will escape its prison in the lab but not the abandoned house. Opening the door or breaking a window to freedom is too much for the beast to handle so he wanders around aimlessly. A bunch of teens decide to break into the abandoned house so they can hang out and have really awful conversations with each other. Unfortunately for them, they've picked the lair of the Carnivore to have their party. Unfortunately for me, I picked this movie to watch.

The video box cover for "Carnivore" has a giant set of razor sharp teeth smiling at you. I was intrigued by the exciting possibilities this film had to offer. Those choppers belong to the monster that lives in the house. The Carnivore seemed like he would put his teeth to good use and tear some teens into little pieces for my viewing enjoyment.

Unfortunately "Carnivore" is too cheap and too stupid to be any good. It's a shame. Those teeth were something to see. They should keep remaking this movie until it's good enough to be in a stellar video box like that. The box deserved better than this. The marketing was genius. The movie was awful. A common problem in the B-movie world.

There are many things wrong with "Carnivore". The usual bad movie descriptions apply here. Bad direction, acting, effects etc. There's also nothing fun about this movie at all. It's boring, trite, brain dead, etc. The only thing that saves it from the landfill is its video box cover. I look at it and dream of a better Carnivore. Take the beast back to the lab and try, try again. The box cover demands it.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 carnivores

2 comments:

Gore-Gore Girl said...

Uh...this is weird. Not only is my face at the bottom of your post, but I just happened to watch this movie last night, thinking it was something else.

Let me tell you a little about my viewing experience - it was very similar to yours, but with an important difference. First, every time the titular character appeared, I felt compelled to cry, "Carny!" seeing as that was the cute nickname they bestowed upon it (thereby reducing *any* fear...), and second (and most importantly) I kept thinking I was watching a porn movie.

Now, I mean I *genuinely* kept thinking I was watching a porno, right down to the sexual innuendoes which should have led into a sex scene, but didn't. Once I grasped that there would be no sex, that Carny's "pheromone imbalance" was not going to be satiated (come on...there's a porno in here...), I turned it off and watched Taboo II.

Which, by the way, was excellent as always. Much better acting, script, and direction than Carnivore...

Dr. Gore (drgore@hotmail.com) said...

I can see how we were kind of in a similar situation. I could have sworn I rented a horror movie. Every time the monster appeared, I thought something interesting was going to happen. Not a sex scene mind you, but something.

"Carnivore" would have been better off if it did veer into porno land. Although I never thought it was heading in that direction while I was watching it. I thought it was heading into my garbage can.

But if you're looking for a good classic porn, may I recommend "Amanda by Night"? Prostitutes, murder and Lisa De Leeuw. A winning combo and also much better than "Carnivore".