Sunday, February 08, 2009

"Anaconda III" review

Anaconda III (2008)

Director: Don E. FauntLeRoy
Writers: Nicholas Davidoff David C. Olson

Crystal Allen... Amanda
David Hasselhoff... Hammett
John Rhys-Davies... Murdoch
Patrick Regis... Nick
Anthony Green... Captain Grozny

I saw "Anaconda III" with my brother. I gave him a choice between indulging in David Hasselhoff attacking giant snakes or watching "Bottom Feeder" so that we could observe the spectacle that is Tom Sizemore attacking a rat monster. Actually, it was no choice at all. When you have a chance to watch Hasselhoff put an anaconda in a headlock, you have to jump right in. It was snake time.

A giant anaconda may hold the key to curing diseases. They have it locked up in a laboratory so that it can have plenty of opportunities to escape. Haven't these people ever seen a B-movie before? Never put a monster in a laboratory. It's guaranteed disaster. Sure enough the snake plows through many different scientists as it makes its way to freedom. But this snake didn't count on the Hoff. Hunter Hasselhoff and other digestible actors gets called in to hunt down the ravenous beast.
"Anaconda III" is one of those movies that just sort of happen. You rent it, you put it in the DVD player, you turn it on and the movie starts. An hour and half later it's over with no lingering side effects of joy or despair. It seemed like a good idea at the time. My brother and I agreed "Anaconda III" was a movie. That was about as positive as we could get.

"Anaconda III" has nothing to do with the first two movies in the series. Both "Anaconda" and "Anaconda II" were very enjoyable giant snake flicks. But even the mighty Hasselhoff cannot save "Anaconda III" from pure straight to video mediocrity. The snake effects are disgraceful. Theoretically they were hunting a giant snake but it looked more like a giant garden slug zipping by at a hundred miles an hour. If snakes really moved this fast they would have taken over the world. Even Hasselhoff would have been no match for them.

"Anaconda III" is a typical giant snake movie. It exploits the "Anaconda" franchise to rope in a few suckers to rent their cheap flick. There were a couple of gory parts to it which succeeded in keeping my brother and I vaguely interested. But when the blood stopped gushing we went back to sleep. Still, it does have that icon of cheese Hasselhoff in it which is always good for a laugh or two.

So if you want a good giant snake movie, check out the first two "Anaconda" flicks. But if you just can't resist the magnetic tractor beam that is a Hasselhoff snake movie, do what my brother and I did and jump right in. Have no fear for Hasselhoff is here.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Hoffs

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I think that last photo is more disturbing than this actual film. I saw this on Sci-Fi Channel and just wondered who thought this was a great idea. The only good thing is that Hasselhoff didn't sing although that would have definitely turned it into a horror flick. Nice review, man.