Friday, March 02, 2007

"Satan's Schoolgirls" review

Satan's Schoolgirls (2004)

Directed by Ted W. Crestview
Writing credits Terry West

J. Scott Green ... Father Thomas
Suzi Lorraine ... Sister Helen
Kerri Taylor ... Tammy
Jane Scarlett ... Julian
Shannon Moore ... Karen
Brandy D'Vinn ... Lily

Do you know what an “establishing shot” is? It’s when you see a shot at the beginning of the scene so that you know where the rest of the scene is going to take place. So if there is an exterior shot of a large building followed by an interior shot of two people talking, it implies that the conversation is taking place inside that building. “Satan’s Schoolgirls” takes the establishing shot to new heights as half the movie is filled with them. The two establishing shots they use and abuse are of the church and of the graveyard. Almost every scene is buffered with an establishing shot. OK. We get it. They’re talking inside the church. You’ve established that fact to death. I understand where they are. Enough!

I’m pointing this out in the hopes that it makes it clear the level of filmmaking quality that went into “Satan’s Schoolgirls”. Running a brisk 60 minutes, (if that), “Satan’s Schoolgirls” did not have much of a movie to flesh out so they had to rely on exciting static shots of the exterior of the church to keep things trudging along.

A priest comes to stay at a church for the summer to help some wayward students. Four Suicide Girls are hanging out and need some guidance. They are Satan’s schoolgirls. The church used to hold a Satanic cult and rumor has it that they’ll be back someday to get their revenge.

Speaking of rumors, there was also a rumor that there was a movie worth watching in the middle of all of these shots of churches but then I watched “Satan’s Schoolgirls” and dispelled that myth forever. The acting is terrible, the effects are atrocious and the establishing shot overload melted my brain with its lameness. But my main problem with this would-be sleaze fest is that it’s not nearly as sleazy as it should have been.

Suzi Lorraine, (AKA Kelli Summers), played the horny nun of the school. Now, you and I know that horny nuns need to get topless. I mean, how can you call yourself a horny nun and not take your bra off? No self respecting horny nun would fail to get topless. It’s especially not right coming from a veteran of Seduction Cinema flicks. What the heck were the filmmakers thinking? They weren’t thinking of me that’s for sure. She even had the perfect opportunity to rip some clothes off when she spanked the disobedient student with the paddle. But alas, she stayed strong and resisted the urge to let her bra fly free. Tragic.

The rest of the movie has the makings of a couple of other sleazy scenes but then they inexplicably fall short. The horny lesbian of the group sees a girl she wants taking a shower. So does she do anything about it? Of course not. She gets slapped and gives up right away. This is not how a Satanic Schoolgirl should have handled her rejection. There’s another scene where one of the girls seduces the big dumb handyman. Does she take off any clothing during her sex scene? Of course not. Why would you expect these girls to act promiscuous? Oh right. The stinking movie is called “Satan’s Schoolgirls” that’s why.

On the plus side, there were two girls who got topless. So that was fun to watch. But there is not nearly enough sleaze-o-rama in “Satan’s Schoolgirls” to justify its existence. If you are going to go over the top and give your movie a lurid title like “Satan’s Schoolgirls”, you better take the time to pack it with some shocking scenes. What I’m saying is, less exterior of churches scenes, more topless nuns spanking student scenes. That ought to do the trick.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 bored Satanic schoolgirls

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