"Mope" review

Director: Lucas Heyne

Cast:

Nathan Stewart-Jarrett

Kelly Sry

Brian Huskey

What is a Mope? After watching this movie, it will become painfully clear. There are porn stars and then there are people who star in porn. And then there are mopes. The mope is the lowest rung of the porn ladder. This film is the tragic tale of two mopes who found each other.

Mope is about dreams and the dreamers who need them. Tom and Steve love porn. They want to break into the porn industry. Bang chicks all day long. Who wouldn’t want that? The fact that they have no talent for banging chicks is not an impediment in their minds. They find their mope savior in Eric, (Brian Huskey), who gives them a shot at greatness. They all work out of one giant building where mope fantasies are filmed day and night. But soon it becomes clear that mope translates into loser, and the weight of their futile existence brings madness and a desperate need to escape from mope hell.

Some would say that being in porn can be soul crushing and lead to addiction, callousness and eventually, moping.  But for the most part, porn just leads to more porn. The only thing that changes is the rate you charge. Hopefully men fall in love with you and must sign over their house just to be near you.

But there is no love for mopes. Mope porn only leads to more moping. This film makes a strong argument against moping. There are some dreams that are not worth pursuing.   

There are parts of Mope which are hilarious and others that are painful to watch. There is one scene where Huskey teaches Tom and Steve about the art of ball busting. You see, a woman kicks you in the balls and they film your reaction to it. This scene captures the essence of being a mope. It’s also hilarious and I have laughed at it many times. It has shown me that moping is hard work, low pay and sore nuts.    

But ultimately, Mope is the story of two losers. Watching these two guys head down their path of destruction is painful. Their rise to mope stardom is fun but their fall takes up most of the movie.

As painful as some scenes are, Mope should be seen. If for no other reason than to scare you out of a life of moping. Tom and Steve were not scared off after ball busting. This is a life lesson for us all. Getting kicked in the balls is not good, repeat not good.  If only they had learned this lesson in time. But to mope is to dream…One day, no more bukkakes and ball busting for this mope. No, my friend, being a mope is eternal. 

SCORE: 3 out of 4 mopes

"M3GAN 2.0" review

 

Director: Gerard Johnstone

Cast:

Allison Williams

Violet McGraw

Ivanna Sakhno

There is a new AI female menace and it's not M3GAN. Amelia is rampaging across the world and only M3GAN can stop her. But there are trust issues to overcome. M3GAN was in a horror movie in the first iteration, and she needs to be reprogrammed to fit into her 2.0 action movie mode.

M3gan 2.0 is a kitchen sink movie. It wanted to be every kind of movie except a horror sequel. Instead, the filmmakers wanted to make a summer action movie with terminator babes. It’s got family drama, comedy, sci-fi, and action! What more could anyone want?  

Well, this is what’s known as losing the plot. Now to be fair, I’ve always said the world needs more hot terminator babes menacing humanity. I have said that many times in my head and I’m saying that now. And I will also concede there are a few fun scenes. I especially liked Amelia, (Ivanna Sakno), who showed off here Sith fighting skills against M3Gan.  

But the question to ask when making a sequel is to simply wonder, why was the first movie enjoyable? This question was not posed to anyone at any time during the making of this film. Instead, they went with their gut instinct and made this wannabe summer blockbuster. I don’t think the world asked for this movie, but they did it anyway.

And it’s PG-13! Come on now. If you are going to go insane, go all the way down. M3GAN ripping off heads, hot lesbian scene with Amelia etc. But no, no. It was not to be. Oh, the horror. The true horror. 

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 rewired M3GAN's who may or may not be back

"Meg 2: The Trench" review

MEG 2: The Trench (2023)

Director: Ben Wheatley

Cast:

Jason Statham

Big Sharks

Meg 2 is what my dad and I used to call a Louie movie. Louie is the drunk marketing executive who’s been working at the studio for 40 years, survived every management purge because he knows. He knows what to say and do thanks to his keen insight into demographics combined with his endless Bloody Mary intake or gin and tonic or whatever else is available.

One fateful day Warner Brothers had a meeting in Burbank, the sun was shining that day I believe, when a room full of execs crowded around a table and were wringing their hands in abject terror. Not of the source material mind you, but terrified of losing their jobs. Louie was there as usual, sleeping it off in the corner, bottle of gin close by.

Warners wanted a sequel to Meg but didn’t know where to take the action. How can we top the original? After much debate they all looked to Louie and shouted. “Louie, what are we going to do with this Meg sequel!?”

Louie stumbled up and realized he had heard his name. He looked at the shark picture on the wall, realized he was in some sort of shark related movie meeting, and hit them with it. “How about three Megs and an octopus?”

“Louie you’re a genius!”

The staff in the meeting were elated as they realized their jobs were secured. They rushed to shake his hand, but Louie was already gone. His wisdom was needed elsewhere to whoever was sitting next to him at the nearest bar.   

Jason Statham is called upon to kill big sharks. The man knows no fear. Literally. He shows no fear at all in this movie. Giant shark in his face means nothing to Statham. He looks amused at the very idea that this shark thinks it’s going to eat him.

Theres a story here about a Trench and the creatures that live there. You’ll be surprised to know that (like every Jurassic Park movie) the monsters escape! But fear not, Statham is here and on top of things. I was not worried about his safety at any part of this film.

So let us pause and give thanks to Louie as he is solely responsible for Meg 2. This unsung hero gave the world the entertainment it needed. We needed more Megs. Cheers to you Louie. 

SCORE: 3 out of 4 Louies

Riley Jean Goes to Extremes interview

I recently met adult film star Riley Jean at a Halloween costume event in Hollywood. This was an annual Halloween party put on by the adult industry. It was free admission for performers but non-performers, (i.e. civilians, muggles etc.), had to cough up $20 to get in. A small price to pay but a necessary one along with getting frisked for weapons. Once all areas searched, I was let in.

Riley was introduced to me by her publicist Michael Whiteacre who let me know that Riley loved horror movies. That sparked a conversation that had Riley’s enthusiasm amp up to eleven when asked about horror.

It became clear very quickly that Riley Jean goes to extremes when it comes to what horror she enjoys. Our conversation bounced from the insane freakishness of “A Serbian Film” , to how “Martyrs” was a “light movie” (!) to a continued love of “Saw” and “Terrifier” movies.

To explore this topic further, below is my interview with Riley Jean on the extreme horror that drew her in and continues to have a grip on her imagination.

1- What is it about horror movies that draws you into its embrace?

I don’t know, it happened when i was so young. I always had SyFi on before it started to suck. I played horror games. My life has always had space for horror. I can’t remember a time without having at least one horror movie on my To Watch list.

2-You mentioned to me that you were obsessed with “A Serbian film”.  So much so that you read everything about it for a year. What did you learn about the making of this descent into porno hell movie that you can teach us?

Sooooooo much. When I was shown this movie I had no idea what it was and the next thing you know I’m seeing some of the most insane, vile shit I’ve ever seen. I think at first I was very angry about the movie and that’s why I was so obsessed with learning why the hell anyone in their right mind would make something like that. Once  I learned more about it I quickly started to love the movie. It’s a political metaphor and reflection of the directors feelings towards the state of Serbia and its politics. He says it much more eloquently than I could but it’s very interesting to read what the director has to say about the movie. It’s also meant to be a shock film. It’s not meant to be good or to even be mediocre, it’s meant to shock you. And that’s exactly what it does. 

3-What is it about “A Serbian film” that resonates with you personally?

Absolutely nothing thank god hahaha. I just have ADHD and love horror, I know a million horror movies like i know A Serbian Film.

4-Do you see extreme horror like “A Serbian Film” as testing your limits of what you can endure? Or do you just like being creeped out? Or both? 

So here’s the thing about A Serbian Film in particular, I was shown it by an ex with no context. It absolutely shocked me and that’s what sent me down that year long rabbit hole. There have been movies I’ve watched to test my limits or because I wanted to be creeped out but A Serbian Film was never like that for me. I am genuinely just fascinated in why it was made and the impact that it had.

5-You mentioned to me that your favorite horror movie was ”A Nightmare on Elm Street.” Why does Freddy Krueger haunt your dreams more than anyone? 

Freddy Krueger has such a special place in my heart. Those were the first movies to genuinely scare me and those, (and the Saw movies), are what really ignited my love for horror. Freddy Krueger has something the other horror icons don’t and that’s humor. There are parts in those movies where you laugh and because of that, as bad as Freddy is, you kind of can’t help but like him.

6 - How do Jason, Michael Myers and Art the Clown stack up compared to Freddy? Do these slashers thrill you as much or are they lacking Freddy’s charm?

I love them all so much for different reasons. Friday the 13th is so campy and it’s such a classic it’s impossible not to love. I watched a 6 hour documentary about that series, it was really interesting and i’d recommend to anyone who loves Jason and wants to know more. Michael Myers scares me on a very real, human level and I think it’s because his weapon of choice is a butcher knife, something we all have in our homes. Art the Clown is a fairly new face to the horror game and I love his movies so much. I remember when I first stumbled across him and being so interested because he was very much an underground horror character,(All Hallows Eve), and I loved that. and then Terrifier blew up years later and he became so much more and now his movies have more of a story to them and it’s been so fun to watch happen. I can’t wait for Terrifier 3 and all of Art’s creative, bloody antics.

7-I believe that you are a fan of slasher movies more than other types of horror. But are there other horror flicks you go for? Monsters, possession, wild animals hunting you etc? 

I’d go even more specific with the type of horror I’m a fan of and say it’s Body Horror. The Guinea Pig series, A Serbian Film, (although that one is much more erotic, i’d still absolutely put it under Body Horror), and others are absolute gold. My second favorite would have to be possessions and ghosts. 

 8- You mentioned to me you thought the movie “Martyrs” was “light”. Most people would not refer to it as light. I would not refer to it as light and I have a doctorate in these things. Why do you think this tale of torture is light? 

Okay I think I should clarify - I don’t think Martyrs is “light” like a comedy is. It’s a heavy movie with a really solid storyline and absolutely gets under your skin. I say it’s light because i am an absolute sucker for gore and Martyrs definitely has that but if I had to rank it in a list of the most disturbing movies i’ve seen, it’s just not up there with some other ones I’ve seen. Amazing movie though.

9- What scares you the most? The dark? Being alone in a haunted house? Eaten by a giant monster? 

Out of the three definitely being eaten by a giant monster. Movies like Jaws freak me out because the idea of being eaten alive is so scary to me. I love the dark and I think I’d have a lot of fun in a haunted house, my curiosity would get the best of me for sure.

10-If you found the puzzle box from “Hellraiser” would you be hesitant to try to open it or would meeting demons from Hell excite you? 

I want to say i would open it and meet the demons and have a fun kinky time for all of eternity but i think what i would actually do is find the nearest body of water and let it drown hahaha.

11- If you were stuck in a “Saw” trap, how would you use your vast horror knowledge to survive that ordeal, (although many people don’t)?

Screw my vast horror knowledge, I’ve seen the Saw movies all at least a dozen times. I know those movies and traps like the back of my hand. So with that said I’d like to think I would do a pretty good job and get myself out.

12- I get the sense that you are hardcore horror fan beyond movies. Do you do other events like visiting haunted houses, seances, ouija boards?

I’ve practiced witchcraft for a while now and you would not catch me dead playing with an ouija board lol. I love a good haunted house and seances are cool but I can’t say I fully believe in them.

13- What’s a rare and wonderful horror movie you’ve seen that myself or the readers may not know about that you can share? 

I have two! Salo - 120 Days of Sodom. It’s a film loosely based on a 1785 novel. The author wrote it over the span of 37 days while imprisoned and wrote the entire thing on toilet paper because he was scared of it being confiscated. The movie is child’s play compared to the book and definitely not for the faint of heart. The second is a French film called Irreversible. I don’t want to give too much away about that one but it is shocking and the end is insane. Fun fact about that one - the director had sound frequencies added in that you can’t hear but trigger anxiety, nausea, and just overall bad feelings. Kind of cool, there’s a lot of movies that do that. Funny Games deserves a mention too, it’s such a classic.

14- Do you think any of the supernatural is real? Are there ghosts among us? 

Half of me says yes and the other half says no. I don’t think i want to know either way haha.

15 - If you could bring a horror movie into existence, what would it be about? And would you be running for your life in it or slashing and destroying hapless victims?

I’ve always liked the bad guy, so i think naturally that’s what I would be in my own horror movie. As far as what it would be about.. I think it would be really interesting to bring something like Teeth to life.

Riley Jean taking a mirror selfie while saying “Art the Clown” five times.