"Mope" review

Director: Lucas Heyne

Cast:

Nathan Stewart-Jarrett

Kelly Sry

Brian Huskey

What is a Mope? After watching this movie, it will become painfully clear. There are porn stars and then there are people who star in porn. And then there are mopes. The mope is the lowest rung of the porn ladder. This film is the tragic tale of two mopes who found each other.

Mope is about dreams and the dreamers who need them. Tom and Steve love porn. They want to break into the porn industry. Bang chicks all day long. Who wouldn’t want that? The fact that they have no talent for banging chicks is not an impediment in their minds. They find their mope savior in Eric, (Brian Huskey), who gives them a shot at greatness. They all work out of one giant building where mope fantasies are filmed day and night. But soon it becomes clear that mope translates into loser, and the weight of their futile existence brings madness and a desperate need to escape from mope hell.

Some would say that being in porn can be soul crushing and lead to addiction, callousness and eventually, moping.  But for the most part, porn just leads to more porn. The only thing that changes is the rate you charge. Hopefully men fall in love with you and must sign over their house just to be near you.

But there is no love for mopes. Mope porn only leads to more moping. This film makes a strong argument against moping. There are some dreams that are not worth pursuing.   

There are parts of Mope which are hilarious and others that are painful to watch. There is one scene where Huskey teaches Tom and Steve about the art of ball busting. You see, a woman kicks you in the balls and they film your reaction to it. This scene captures the essence of being a mope. It’s also hilarious and I have laughed at it many times. It has shown me that moping is hard work, low pay and sore nuts.    

But ultimately, Mope is the story of two losers. Watching these two guys head down their path of destruction is painful. Their rise to mope stardom is fun but their fall takes up most of the movie.

As painful as some scenes are, Mope should be seen. If for no other reason than to scare you out of a life of moping. Tom and Steve were not scared off after ball busting. This is a life lesson for us all. Getting kicked in the balls is not good, repeat not good.  If only they had learned this lesson in time. But to mope is to dream…One day, no more bukkakes and ball busting for this mope. No, my friend, being a mope is eternal. 

SCORE: 3 out of 4 mopes

"M3GAN 2.0" review

 

Director: Gerard Johnstone

Cast:

Allison Williams

Violet McGraw

Ivanna Sakhno

There is a new AI female menace and it's not M3GAN. Amelia is rampaging across the world and only M3GAN can stop her. But there are trust issues to overcome. M3GAN was in a horror movie in the first iteration, and she needs to be reprogrammed to fit into her 2.0 action movie mode.

M3gan 2.0 is a kitchen sink movie. It wanted to be every kind of movie except a horror sequel. Instead, the filmmakers wanted to make a summer action movie with terminator babes. It’s got family drama, comedy, sci-fi, and action! What more could anyone want?  

Well, this is what’s known as losing the plot. Now to be fair, I’ve always said the world needs more hot terminator babes menacing humanity. I have said that many times in my head and I’m saying that now. And I will also concede there are a few fun scenes. I especially liked Amelia, (Ivanna Sakno), who showed off here Sith fighting skills against M3Gan.  

But the question to ask when making a sequel is to simply wonder, why was the first movie enjoyable? This question was not posed to anyone at any time during the making of this film. Instead, they went with their gut instinct and made this wannabe summer blockbuster. I don’t think the world asked for this movie, but they did it anyway.

And it’s PG-13! Come on now. If you are going to go insane, go all the way down. M3GAN ripping off heads, hot lesbian scene with Amelia etc. But no, no. It was not to be. Oh, the horror. The true horror. 

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 rewired M3GAN's who may or may not be back

"Meg 2: The Trench" review

MEG 2: The Trench (2023)

Director: Ben Wheatley

Cast:

Jason Statham

Big Sharks

Meg 2 is what my dad and I used to call a Louie movie. Louie is the drunk marketing executive who’s been working at the studio for 40 years, survived every management purge because he knows. He knows what to say and do thanks to his keen insight into demographics combined with his endless Bloody Mary intake or gin and tonic or whatever else is available.

One fateful day Warner Brothers had a meeting in Burbank, the sun was shining that day I believe, when a room full of execs crowded around a table and were wringing their hands in abject terror. Not of the source material mind you, but terrified of losing their jobs. Louie was there as usual, sleeping it off in the corner, bottle of gin close by.

Warners wanted a sequel to Meg but didn’t know where to take the action. How can we top the original? After much debate they all looked to Louie and shouted. “Louie, what are we going to do with this Meg sequel!?”

Louie stumbled up and realized he had heard his name. He looked at the shark picture on the wall, realized he was in some sort of shark related movie meeting, and hit them with it. “How about three Megs and an octopus?”

“Louie you’re a genius!”

The staff in the meeting were elated as they realized their jobs were secured. They rushed to shake his hand, but Louie was already gone. His wisdom was needed elsewhere to whoever was sitting next to him at the nearest bar.   

Jason Statham is called upon to kill big sharks. The man knows no fear. Literally. He shows no fear at all in this movie. Giant shark in his face means nothing to Statham. He looks amused at the very idea that this shark thinks it’s going to eat him.

Theres a story here about a Trench and the creatures that live there. You’ll be surprised to know that (like every Jurassic Park movie) the monsters escape! But fear not, Statham is here and on top of things. I was not worried about his safety at any part of this film.

So let us pause and give thanks to Louie as he is solely responsible for Meg 2. This unsung hero gave the world the entertainment it needed. We needed more Megs. Cheers to you Louie. 

SCORE: 3 out of 4 Louies