"Piranha 3DD" review

Piranha 3DD (2012)

Director: John Gulager
Writers: Patrick Melton Marcus Dunstan

Danielle Panabaker ... Maddy
Matt Bush ... Barry
David Koechner ... Chet
Jean-Luc Bilodeau ... Josh
Chris Zylka ... Kyle
Katrina Bowden ... Shelby
Adrian Martinez ... Big Dave
Paul James Jordan ... Travis
Meagan Tandy ... Ashley
David Hasselhoff ... Himself
Christopher Lloyd ... Carl Goodman

The piranhas are back and they’re silly. A waterpark is being constructed for the sole purpose of letting killer fish swim down the water slide. The usual group of B-movie characters fumble around waiting for their chance to die. The fish do their best to eat as much human flesh before people figure out whether they should throw chlorine in the pool. But it’s near impossible to stop a prehistoric fish when he’s hungry. It’s almost as hard as stopping a B-movie producer when he sees a chance to make a quick buck off of suckers who like Piranha movies.

“Piranha 3-DD” filled me with hope when I saw the movie poster. I believed this was going to be a worthy sequel. The first piranha movie truly earned the horror movie praise, “Orgy of gore”. It was a fun movie filled with porn stars, blood and an Oscar worthy performance from Jerry O’Connell. Unfortunately, “Piranha 3-DD” did not apply any of the lessons learned from the first movie. Instead we are treated to a cut-rate piranha movie that should have gone straight to video. I didn’t think a piranha movie could sink any lower. I was wrong.

The filmmakers should be ashamed and embarrassed that they can’t even make a reasonable sequel to a piranha flick. Fish, boobs, blood. What is so hard to understand about this? Well, let me help you understand what went wrong. You see, in any monster movie that involves aquatic creatures, you have to find a reason to get the victims in the water. In the first movie, we have porn stars swimming naked in a lake full of killer fish. Brilliant. In this movie, we have dopes going down the water slide that get rubber fish thrown at them. Not as brilliant. Actually boneheaded. A waterpark? Seriously? Cheap, lazy and stupid. That pretty much accurately describes this movie.

But then again, is “Piranha 3-DD” any different from the hundreds of B-movies I’ve seen? Not really. As a sequel to a mainstream horror movie, it’s a piece of junk. But as a run of the mill B-flick, it’s pretty standard stuff. There are random shots of naked women running around the pool, a worthless Gary Busey cameo, and scenes of splashing and blood that inevitably happen when a school of CGI fish swarms your pool. I wanted a little more quality out of this sequel but I didn’t get it. I was so sure this movie poster wouldn’t lie to me. Oh well. There’s always “Piranha 3-DDD”. Triple the dollars. Triple the deception. Can’t wait.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 piranhas on vacation

Run away!

"Nude Nuns with Big Guns" review

Nude Nuns with Big Guns (2010)

Director: Joseph Guzman
Writers: Joseph Guzman, Robert James Hayes II

Asun Ortega ... Sister Sarah
David Castro ... Chavo
Perry D'Marco ... Father Carlittos
Maxie J. Santillan Jr. ... Mr. Foo
Ivet Corvea ... Mistress Charlotte
Aycil Yeltan ... Sister Angelina
Emma Messenger ... Mother Magda

Sister Sarah is a bad nun. She gets mixed up with some drug dealing pimps who can’t wait to rip her vow of chastity from her. When a drug deal goes sour, (as they often seem to do), Sister Sarah is thrown into the whorehouse. The humiliations and drug abuse pile up until a Good Samaritan saves Sarah from her private hell. For his troubles, Sister Sarah puts a bullet in him. Now she will have her vengeance against all men. Lowlife, stinking, rotten, no good, abusing men. She is a (sometimes) nude nun with a (sporadically) big gun.

“Nude Nuns with Big Guns”. There are two elements clearly stated in the title that better manifest itself in this B-movie. I’m pleased to tell you that there are nude nuns and they do, on occasion, carry big guns. But I was more concerned about the nude nuns than I was about the big guns. It could have been “Nude Nuns with Big Knives” and I would have been just as happy.

So Sister Sarah goes on a rampage and kills a lot of scum. Is there anything more to this movie? Anything else worth mentioning? Not really. The title pretty much highlights the message the filmmakers were trying to convey. Well, there was a nice lesbian scene between Sister Sarah and another woman. That scene served as a crucial plot point to show Sarah’s tenderness manifesting itself with some sweet lovemaking. And yes, I’m just kidding. It was yet another scene of mindless exploitation to please the B-movie fans.

That pretty much sums up “Nude Nuns with Big Guns”. Mindless exploitation. I suppose it was trying to be a competent rip-off of a Robert Rodriguez movie. It even sampled some “Grindhouse” music and named its strip club the “Titty Flicker”. I’m sure Rodriguez is impressed with this tribute to his A-movie success. As for me, I found it to be a reasonable way to spend an afternoon. The nuns were nude and the guns were huge. That’s all I needed to see.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 nuns with big guns

"The Cabin in the Woods" review

The Cabin in the Woods (2011)

Director: Drew Goddard
Writers: Joss Whedon, Drew Goddard

Kristen Connolly ... Dana
Chris Hemsworth ... Curt
Anna Hutchison ... Jules
Fran Kranz ... Marty
Jesse Williams ... Holden
Richard Jenkins ... Sitterson
Bradley Whitford ... Hadley
Brian White ... Truman
Amy Acker ... Lin

Five friends want to go to a cabin in the woods for the weekend. They want to party, get high, get laid and other things college students do at a cabin in the woods. But they’re not the only ones who want to see them take off for their backwoods party. A mysterious corporation is monitoring their activity to make sure that everything goes as planned. There are certain rituals that have to be followed if you want to have a successful venture into the woods. Will everything go as planned? Why does the corporation care about how to stage a creepy backwoods thriller? They know that they’re not the only ones watching. You have to keep your audience happy.

“Cabin in the Woods” is a brilliant movie. It is one of the few movies I have actually gone to see twice in the theaters. Round two was just as good. But this movie is shocking in how good it is in keeping you wondering why these potential horror movie victims are being monitored. You will have more fun watching this movie if you don’t know too much about it. All you need to know is that it is made for horror fans by acknowledging all of our hopes and desires for a horror flick.

What are the buttons that need to be pressed to stimulate the audience‘s senses? “Cabin in the Woods” explores this question by having two puppet masters, (Richard Jenkins and Bradley Whitford in hilarious performances), literally push the buttons that propels the story forward. If the “slut” victim doesn’t feel like having sex, Jenkins is there to release the pheromones necessary to get her juices flowing. Once she has opened her blouse to reveal her breasts, she has transgressed enough to warrant her death. Why showing breasts is a transgression I’ll never understand but the horror movie gods must be satisfied.

“Cabin in the Woods” kept me guessing throughout the entire movie. I knew that these college students were being set up but I had no idea why. I assumed it was for the amusement of some off screen entity but had no clue as to where this movie was heading. The ending of the movie is a huge payoff scene. I won’t spoil it for you here but just know that you won’t see it coming. I had a blast watching “Cabin in the Woods”. It needs to be seen. Loved it.

SCORE: 4 out of 4 horror victims

Kiss me.

"Dream Home" review

Dream Home (2010)

Director: Ho-Cheung Pang
Writers: Ho-Cheung Pang

Josie Ho ... Cheng Lai - Sheung
Eason Chan ... Siu To
Michelle Ye ... Flat 8A Female Owner
Norman Chu ... Sheung's Father
Kwok Cheung Tsang
Lawrence Chou ... On Jai
Juno Mak ... Cop Fat
Hee Ching Paw ... Sheung's Mother

Josie Ho has a dream. She wants to buy a condo with a seaside view. But real estate in Hong Kong is a tad expensive. She’s had to work hard to save up enough cash but it looks as if her struggles are going to be rewarded with a new ocean front condo. Alas, it is not to be. The seller’s greed has raised the price and Josie cannot afford her dream home. What’s a despondent buyer to do? Kill them all of course.

“Dream Home” is a tale of Hong Kong real estate, greed, and the massacres they inevitably provoke. Josie’s life has been a tough one. She’s had to take care of her sick dad and then lament the fact that his life saving operation won’t be covered by insurance. She also had to contend with the man she was having an affair with actually having the gall to go back to his pregnant wife. What is this world coming to when a man won’t be faithful to his mistress? This will not do.

Josie’s life is full of stress and she needs to find a way to blow off a little steam. The perfect release from all of these real world problems is homicidal vengeance. Josie stalks her lover’s wife and attacks. The fact that the woman is pregnant means nothing to Josie. Her moral compass has broken but her aptitude for extreme violence is surprisingly high. In an ingenious move, Josie sticks a vacuum space bag over the pregnant woman’s head and sucks all of the air out of her body. Hell hath no fury, etc.

This violent episode turns out to be a training ground for Josie’s true targets: The scum who have stolen Josie’s dream home by actually living in it. Once Josie sets her sights on the dream home’s occupants, the movie becomes a long splatter episode as they all have to pay dearly for stealing Josie’s dream.

“Dream Home” is an interesting splatter flick. Frankly, it had a little more plot than I was expecting from a Category III movie. Did I really need to see scenes of a young Josie talking to her friend via the two cups and a string device? I would argue no. There is only so much set-up needed to get to the splatter highlights. This is not a parable which instructs us on the folly of the real estate market. This is a horror flick pretending that it’s teaching a lesson. Those pesky censors always fall for a supposed moral lesson.

But “Dream Home” has some violent content which satisfied me. It also didn’t hurt that Josie Ho looked good hacking and slashing her way across Hong Kong. I only hope that the Category III flick makes a comeback in HK cinema. That would be my dream. I won’t go homicidal if it doesn’t come true but I’d be upset.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 jilted Josies

"Rabies" review

Rabies (2010)

AKA Kalevet

Directors: Aharon Keshales, Navot Papushado
Writers: Aharon Keshales, Navot Papushado

Lior Ashkenazi ... Danny
Danny Geva ... Yuval
Ania Bukstein ... Adi
Menashe Noy ... Menashe
Ran Danker ... Mikey
Henry David ... Ofer
Ofer Shechter ... Pini
Liat Harlev ... Tali
Yael Grobglas ... Shir
Efrat Boimold ... Rona

A brother and sister are trapped in the woods with a madman. Meanwhile a car full of tennis players gets lost near the woods and run into the brother. This leads to mass confusion as the importance of friendship gets lost in the quest for survival. Before you know it, there are two cops and a park ranger thrown into the mix which leads to bloody results. Why is everyone going insane when they approach these woods? Who is the madman? Why are the brother and sister out there in the first place? So many questions but so few answers as madness seems to have an iron grip on anyone who ventures into the dark Israeli woods.

The first thing to know about “Rabies” is that no one has rabies. There’s no drooling St. Bernard dog, no one has Cabin Fever and no one gets rabid. Upon further research, the word Kalevet, (original title), can also mean “anything that isn’t good.” So it’s a very Kalevet afternoon in the woods for the characters in this movie. While there isn’t any rabies in the literal sense, everyone seems to go a little crazy. Sometimes they go a lot crazy. It’s just one of those Kalevet days.

“Rabies” is an Israeli made horror movie. A very unique horror film in that regard as I don’t recall ever seeing another Israeli made slasher flick. That would also explain why there was a scene with an air freshener painted with the Israeli flag dangling from a car rear view window. But I feel there may be some sort of subtle political message that perhaps I didn’t get. The movie may be trying to say something about the country going insane. Or maybe the filmmakers just don’t like the national park system. Or maybe the woods were close by and they decided to film there.

But if this movie wasn’t set in Israel, would it be as interesting? I’m not sure. One thing I am sure of is that Yael Grobglas is hot. She plays the blond tennis player who ventures into the woods. She was a pleasant sight to see as her world crumbled around her. There were extended scenes of her going to the bathroom, which one character insisted was hot, but I insist is not. I’m only saddened by the fact that she never consummated the lesbian crush that her teammate had on her.

“Rabies” is an interesting horror flick as it plays on the slasher conventions without fully committing to them. People are trapped in the woods, there’s a mad killer on the loose but nothing works out the way you think it would. It’s worth a look. The good news is that “Rabies” has plenty of bloodshed as the woods exert its homicidal hold over anyone who gets near it. The woods were completely Kalevet. Yael Grobglas wasn’t Kalevet though. She may have gone a little nuts, but nowhere near Kalevet.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 rabid women

A rabid Yael.

"Stripperland" review

Stripperland (2011)

Director: Sean Skelding
Writers: Sean Skelding

Ben Sheppard ... Idaho
Jamison Challeen ... Frisco
Maren McGuire ... Virginia
Ileana Herrin ... West
Hank Cartwright ... Guy Gibson
Daniel Baldwin ... Double D
Lloyd Kaufman ... Phillip
Linnea Quigley ... Grambo

Stripperland. It’s a magical place where strippers remove their clothes for free and everyone gets a complimentary lapdance. A land where the drinks are cheap, the music is always set to hip hop and the women bump and grind the night away. That land is locked away deep in my imagination. This film shows an alternative reality to my fantasy. Their version of Stripperland is full of zombie strippers that love to eat human flesh. My version is a lot more fun.

“Stripperland” is a B-movie take on “Zombieland”. It gladly rips-off every element of its A-movie predecessor. It also manages to mangle a few “Star Wars” quotes along the way just so you understand the level of geek knowledge the filmmakers possess. The plot is essentially the same. The only difference is that all of the zombies are strippers. Two guys hit the road to Stripperland, (Portland actually), to look for life and freedom from zombies. They pick up two sisters who also want to be free of undead strippers. There are many gory interludes along the road to freedom. It all ends in a strip club with zombie women trying to hold in their guts after being blasted by shotgun wielding grannies. Just like “Zombieland”. Well, the ending was a little different.

“Stripperland” is a competently made B-rip-off of “Zombieland”. It moves briskly along from one gory set piece to the other but doesn’t provide much excitement or humor along the way. One of the main characters has an obsession with baked goods. Instead of lusting after twinkies, he wants to taste well prepared cakes. That is as humorous as “Stripperland” gets. If that’s the only funny thing I can remember about a movie called “Stripperland”, you can probably feel OK about skipping this one.

There’s one big problem with “Stripperland”. If you’ve already seen “Zombieland”, you’ve seen a better version of this film. But I was hoping that this would be an unapologetically sleazy affair which would make up for its lack of creativity. But I was disappointed again. “Stripperland” is too nice. There should have been so many undead breasts flopping about I should have lost count. Remember this B-movie golden rule: Strippers who don’t strip are not strippers. I can’t emphasize this enough. There were plenty of zombie strippers lurching about but very few actually took the time to show their rotting bodies.

So shame on you Stipperland for making me want to visit your city. I came to Stripperland to visit your glory holes and all I got was this half-baked remake.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 crazed strippers

"Bikini Time Machine" review

Bikini Time Machine (2011)

Director: Fred Olen Ray
Writer: Fred Olen Ray

Joslyn James ... Lara
Kylee Nash ... Sara
Jenna Presley ... Kandy
T.J. Commings ... Teddy
Ted Newsom ... Watergate
Trish Cook ... Purvis
Nick Manning ... Hippy
Sara Sloane ... Princess

Time Travel. Only brave bikini time travelers have the courage to attempt such a feat. Kylee Nash and Joslyn James want to travel through the fourth dimension. They want to rip open a wormhole so that they can unlock the secrets of the universe. Like, why is Fred Olen Ray so obsessed with bikinis? They try to go back in time to witness a young Fred falling in love with bikini babes at the drive-in. Well, actually they don’t. But it would have made for a more interesting movie. Instead they have a lot of sex in another mindless Cinemax movie.

“Bikini Time Machine” starts off with a great sex scene. Intrepid time traveler Jenna Presley leaps into the abyss so that she can make out with a large breasted princess. Sara Sloane, (AKA Sarah Vandella), is eager to show her how to make sweet love to royalty. You see, one of the side effects of time travel is that you arrive at your destination extremely horny. A nice side effect to be sure especially if you happen to run into blondes with huge racks. This scene is quite pleasant as Jenna and Sarah take the time to get to know each other’s bodies and the viewer rejoices.

But then it’s all over and Jenna and Sarah leave the movie forever. I want to go back in time and see it again! But time marches on and we are stuck with some asinine movie where Joslyn is going to lose the family diner for some reason or another and no one cares. At this point you’ll want to hop into the time machine and go to the end of the film. That is where the last good sex scene awaits.

I believe if I’m not mistaken, (or slept through the dialogue), that Kylee and Joslyn are supposed to be sisters. If they are, then the last sex scene is so beautifully sleazy I have to give Ray credit for going the extra mile. Kylee and Joslyn use the time machine to get some lotto numbers but don’t count on the horny side effect to slow them down. Kylee decides that they just have to go for it if they are ever going to concentrate long enough to finish their lotto number task. Their sex scene is good but knowing that they’re horny sisters makes it even better. I don’t know about you but I like my softcore dirty.

“Bikini Time Machine” is a typical Ray softcore flick which is enlivened by Jenna’s and Kylee’s ample bosoms. Large breasts. Huge tits. I could go on and on but you get the idea. But be sure to hop in the DeLorean right after Jenna’s scene and set the flux capacitor to the Kylee and Joslyn rendezvous. Your future will be much brighter.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 bikini time travelers

"Hobo with a Shotgun" review

Hobo with a Shotgun (2011)

Director: Jason Eisener
Writers: John Davies Jason Eisener

Rutger Hauer ... Hobo
Pasha Ebrahimi ... Bumfight Filmmaker
Robb Wells ... Logan (as Rob Wells)
Brian Downey ... Drake
Gregory Smith ... Slick
Nick Bateman ... Ivan / Rip
Drew O'Hara ... Otis
Molly Dunsworth ... Abby
Jeremy Akerman ... Chief of Police

Rutger Hauer has come to town to get some peace. All the man wants is a lawn mower. Unfortunately the corrupt B-movie town he's landed in just won't let him achieve his dream. The evil overlord who runs the show kills people just for fun. His two lackeys, (who dress like Tom Cruise), carry out his orders and massacre anyone who gets in the way. When they set their sights on a hooker with a heart of gold, Hauer has had enough. No one kills a gold-hearted whore with Rutger around. It's time to pump the shotgun and send these Cruise wannabes to Hell.

Death comes in many forms. Sometimes it's a creeping disease. Other times, a freak accident will claim a life. And sometimes, a hobo with a shotgun is the answer to your death wish. Hauer lands in the middle of a deliberately over the top B-movie with a loaded shotgun that he can't wait to unload. All of the scum have been begging for a face full of shotgun shells. This hobo is happy to oblige.

"Hobo with a Shotgun" is an exercise in B-movie madness. It succeeds in delivering violence, gore, and general mayhem as only a movie about a shotgun-wielding hobo can. Rutger Hauer is great as the homicidal hobo. He knows that the only way to handle a movie like this is to keep pumping the shotgun. Hauer does not let up on his slaughter until every last dirtbag has eaten some shotgun pellets. They say that violence only leads to more violence. And they're right! Good thing for us Hauer doesn't care about things like forgiveness. Only dealing death by shotgun lets him sleep at night.

After Hauer has caused quite a bit of havoc, the overlord of scum town unleashes The Plague. In the movie's most hilarious scene, two guys in body armor, (head to toe), show up at a hospital to take Hauer out. They are The Plague. One guy has a machete and the other likes to put a noose around people's necks and watch them dangle from the ceiling. Finally, a challenge for the hobo! The Plague captures everything that's good about "Hobo with a Shotgun". These maniacs might need their own movie.

"Hobo with a Shotgun" is a fun gorefest. It's badly acted, (with the exception of Hauer), poorly constructed and doesn't care if it makes any sense. Just like a good B-movie should. If you're in need of a sleaze movie fix, "Hobo with a Shotgun" has got you covered.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 homicidal hobos

The Plague

"SS Experiment Love Camp" review

SS Experiment Love Camp (1976)

Director: Sergio Garrone

Writers: Sergio Chiusi Sergio Garrone

Mircha Carven ... Helmut
Paola Corazzi ... Mirelle
Giorgio Cerioni ... Col. von Kleiben
Giovanna Mainardi
Serafino Profumo ... The Sergeant
Attilio Dottesio ... Dr. Steiner
Patrizia Melega ... Dr. Renke

The SS are at it again. The master race needs to do some loving. They have set up a camp. An experimental love camp if you will. The experiments that they'll conduct on the enemy women will advance lovemaking technology by decades. Or at least a few weeks. Actually I have no idea what the love experiments are supposed to accomplish. I doubt the SS did either. All they know is that it's a hoot having absolute control over female prisoners in another sleazy woman's prison movie.

"SS Experiment Love Camp" is yet another Nazi woman's prison movie made after the great "Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS". It combines all of the things that we love about Nazi woman's prison movies. Nazi's, women and prisons. What a winning combo. This time the Nazi's are abusing poor, innocent women for the glory of the Third Reich. No wait, that's the plot of all these movies.

The Nazi's are bored and want to play around with the women they've captured. They've come up with many unnecessary experiments to pass the time before the Allies squash their decadent dreams of world domination. One of their games is to remove organs from the prisoner's bodies to see if they can live through the experiment. This is supposed to help understand battlefield wounds (I think). Or maybe it's just an excuse to see some blood and guts. Either way, the women don't last very long with their insides pulled out.

The Nazi's are also interested in lovemaking in bizarre situations. They have the super stud soldiers show the women how to do it in boiling and freezing water. Sometimes they even do it on a bed! There is no limit to what dastardly extremes these mad scientists will go to.

Speaking of extremes, the scientists leave their most fiendishly hilarious experiment for the end. The commander of the camp wants to take everything they've learned about organ transplants and work their magic on him. I don't suppose the commander realizes that every single one of the kook scientist patients died on him. No matter! Bring on the testicle transplant!

Yes, that's right. A testicle transplant scene. The commander needed some balls so he took them. This leads to the best line of the movie when the unwilling soldier hunts the commander down and wonders what he's been doing with his balls. Good question. Where oh where did his gonads go? The movie ends in blood and tears and lost testicles. It all adds up to a sufficiently entertaining exploitation flick that makes you glad you still have your gonads even if you've lost part of your mind.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 tainted love experiments

"Fantom kiler 4" review

Fantom kiler 4

Director: Roman Nowicki

Dionne ... Officer Stella Green
Maria Vaslova ... Barbara Rynkowska
Pavla Nicole ... First Hooker
Conrad Bismark ... Fantom Kiler

A killer is stalking naked women. If they're not naked when he meets them, they soon will be. The Fantom Kiler is on the loose and he is performing acts of depravity on any unwilling woman he can find. A hot babe inspector is on the case. Her detective and English language skills will be pushed to the breaking point. Women are dying horribly all around her and yet she just can't change her facial expression from one of complete indifference. Who can stop the Fantom Kiler from defiling these poor women? Does anyone want him to?

Two words: Vaginal insertion. These two words perfectly capture what "Fantom Kiler 4" is all about. You could also add anal insertion, humiliation, paddling and hilarious bad English dubbing to its list of attributes. I saw the original "Fantom Kiler" and just had to know what that maniac in the big hat was up to. He's grown up from sleazy exploitation violence to scenes of hardcore nastiness.

"Fantom Kiler 4" makes the big leap into scenes of hardcore horror. Well, I guess it wasn't a big leap. More like a small step into the pit of hardcore despair. The vagina gets a lot of closeups in this movie and there is usually something be shoved into it. The first scene has a naked woman standing on the side of a road waiting for a trick to pull up. Before this scene is over, she'll have a rapists penis in one hand and a corn cob being jammed into her vagina. The movie is not subtle.

It's also not really a movie. "Fantom Kiler 4" is a collection of various deranged scenarios that have women being used and abused. There are scenes of women being used as a mop, (anal handle insertion), as a paintbrush, (paint smeared breasts were made for covering walls), and as an excuse to paddle them raw, (a full two minutes of paddling). If any of these scenarios excite you in strange and weird ways, you'll find something to enjoy in this unrepentant sleazefest.

"Fantom Kiler 4" drops all the foreplay and gets down to the hardcore horror fans of this series want to see. It is goofy and ridiculous and filled with scenes of nasty exploitation. I laughed my way through most of the movie as the hot inspector and her monotone delivery was B-movie gold.

Speaking of exploitation gold, there was one scene where a nympho police woman got her hands on the rapists severed penis and decided to use it one last time before booking it into evidence. This scene was pretty good as she used the appendage with gleeful abandon. But then the Fantom Kiler had to be a buzz kill and stopped her good times. Why did he have to ruin a perfectly good raging nympho? I guess we'll never understand the evil that lurks in the heart of the Fantom Kiler. We'll also never truly understand the appeal of these movies so it's best just to enjoy them for the nasty pieces of work that they are. The blood, the breasts, the paddling, it's all here.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 sleazy killers

"A Serbian Film" review

A Serbian Film (2010)

Director: Srdjan Spasojevic
Writers: Aleksandar Radivojevic Srdjan Spasojevic

Srdjan Todorovic ... Milos (as Srdan Todorovic)
Sergej Trifunovic ... Vukmir
Jelena Gavrilovic ... Marija
Slobodan Bestic ... Marko
Katarina Zutic ... Lejla

Milos has gotten out of the porn game. He's banged so many Serbian chicks his genitalia is in the Serbian sleaze hall of fame. But Milos doesn't have many other talents besides enthusiastic rutting so the porn world cries out for his return. His new sponsor is a big fan of Milos fornicating skills so he recruits him into making some high end porn for private collectors. What else can a horny Serbian do but say yes? The director wants the movie to be spontaneous in order to capture how Milos reacts to various warped and kinky situations. His first movie starts off in an abandoned orphanage and the kink kicks in from there. As the extent of his extreme exploitation and degradation reveals itself to Milos, he descends into Serbian porn madness.

"A Serbian Film" is designed to outrage. It is filled with scenes of sexual violence as only Serbia can deliver. Actually I'm not sure what being Serbian has to do with this movie other than it being a clever marketing gimmick. It may be trying to say that the country has gotten so depressed that it has to resort to extreme measures to make ends meet. But I seriously doubt the filmmakers care about the conditions in Serbia as far as their exploitation movie is concerned. It's more like a calling card for the director so the filmmaking world knows where to find him.

And it's a good calling card because "A Serbian Film" is an excellent exploitation movie. I was pleasantly surprised by the filmmaking quality of this nasty flick. Milos should know better than to agree to some weirdos porn fetish demands but the director knows what his customers want to see. So do the filmmakers as "A Serbian Film" shows how easily horror movies can have mass appeal across different countries.

Well, actually "A Serbian Film" will only appeal to horror fans and even then it would only be of interest to those who enjoy the more extreme type of horror. Milos starts down the path of destruction with some light S&M but eventually moves on to more bizarre forms of porn. Incest, snuff, rape and every other underground genre of porn is shown as Milos mind warps beyond repair.

"A Serbian Film" is a wild ride into the depths of porno hell. I had a lot of fun watching Milos bang his way to oblivion. While this movie won't appeal to everyone, it's definitely worth a look for horror fans looking for a new nasty thrill.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 Serbian sleazes

"The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence)" review

The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence) (2011)

Director: Tom Six
Writer: Tom Six

Laurence R. Harvey ... Martin
Ashlynn Yennie ... Miss Yennie
Maddi Black ... Candy
Kandace Caine... Karrie
Dominic Borrelli ... Paul

So I bought an Iphone4s this weekend. I didn't want to give up the Blackberry but I decided to take the plunge. Good Lord this device now controls me. I downloaded "Angry Birds" and "Plants vs Zombies" and spent most of the day enjoying the best four dollars I ever spent. It also has a woman's voice, (Siri), that tries to answer your questions. So you tell the phone, (Siri), "Find prostitutes", and it will show you an escort near you. Or ask "Find marijuana" and it will show you the closest cannabis clinic, (if you live in California). You can also ask it for the whereabouts of God and the meaning of life. Not to say that the Iphone knows everything but at least it's trying harder than your average phone. If your phone is not talking back to you, you're living in the Dark Ages.

Speaking of ignorant violence and decadence, I saw "The Human Centipede 2" the other day. I saw it back to back with "A Serbian Film". A sleaze movie double header to jump start my brain and punish my soul for its sins. Sloth is one of the seven deadly ones and I am guilty. But I hope to make amends by subjecting myself to some harsh cinema.

Martin is an obsessed horror fan. His particular obsession revolves around the first "Human Centipede" movie. He wishes to carry on the mad doctor's experiment in the real world. An experiment that will fully harness the power of the centipede by connecting many poor souls together to form a love train. But instead of holding hands, these people will be joined by giving each other a permanent rim job. So Martin rents a warehouse and proceeds to drag in various people in a quest to stitch them together. Everybody needs a hobby.

"Human Centipede 2" perfectly demonstrates the phrase "You get what you pay for". I paid to see a Human Centipede and I got a Human Centipede. I really can't fault the movie for delivering what it promised. But why? Why do I want to see people get their mouths sewn to someone's hole? What perverse beast lies in us that enjoys this wanton violence? Best not to think too much on this subject and just enjoy the waves of nauseating violence.

And be assured, nauseating it is. Although the true horror in "Human Centipede 2" was watching mammoth Martin trudge around in his underwear. That repulsed me more than the walking centipede of human toilets. Not much more but it was pretty scary.

The first "Human Centipede" was a pretty creepy movie that had fun with its perverse subject. "Human Centipede 2" is a punch to the gut splatter flick that cuts to the chase and gives you the gore you're looking for. So if you feel like the three-part centipede from the first movie just wasn't long enough for you, "Human Centipede 2" increases the body count to give you all of the bloody surgery and fecal splatter you could desire.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 human centipedes

Ode to a blog

Hello again my blog. I've neglected you and I have no excuse for it. Actually I do but I won't bore you with the details. Suffice to say, there was turmoil and drama, tears and regrets. And then there was Thanksgiving. I've been off doing other things but I'm back now to show you the proper respect you deserve.

It wasn't until I noticed a little movie called "The Human Centipede 2" had come out that I realized how long I've been away from you. This was a film that deserves a response. I'm going to watch it tonight along with "A Serbian Film". A double feature to shock my dormant brain back from it's drunken stupor. Maybe end with a Julie Smith skin flick to ease over the rough edges.

Yes my blog, there will be blood tonight. And I'll tell you all about it. Until then, cheers.

SCORE: 4 out of 4 lost weekends

"Lust at First Bite" review

Lust at First Bite (2010)

AKA Twilight Vamps

Director: Fred Olen Ray
Writer: Fred Olen Ray

Brandin Rackley ... Tabitha
Frankie Cullen ... Jack
Christine Nguyen ... Angela
Dena Kollar ... Amanda (as Ashley West)
Beverly Lynne ... Louise
Michelle Maylene ... Tammy
Jenaveve Jolie ... Kyra
Valerie K. Garcia ... Goth Dancer

The usual Fred Olen Ray suspects headline another softcore movie. This time it's completely different as the same cast members have sex with each other. How many times can one man watch Frankie Cullen and Brandin Rackley get it on? Or Frankie Cullen and Christine Nguyen? Or Frankie Cullen and any of the half dozen women Ray throws in these flicks? This time he has Cullen head over to a vampire strip club to see what trouble he can get into. He needs to blow off some steam after girlfriend Beverly Lynne continually dismisses him for lesbian sex. It doesn't take long before Cullen has banged his way through half of the cast. Yeah, it's another thrilling late night adventure that will rock your socks off and put you to sleep from the monotonous sight of watching porn fidelity in action.

It's hard to dislike a movie with this many beautiful women getting naked every five minutes. I don't have anything against Brandin Rackley, Christine Nguyen or Beverly Lynne. These women have brought me much joy watching their late night escapades. I also don't have anything against Frankie Cullen. It's not his fault that he has to tackle the same women into bed. No, I'm afraid the fault lies with the cost cutting measures of director Ray and his uncontrollable lust to get his hands on as much Cinemax money as possible.

Something has gone wrong in the house that Ray built. Something is amiss. He has misplaced his libido. "Lust at First Bite" is dull from beginning to end. None of the sex scenes are hot, arousing or even amusing. It's the same people rolling around in the same positions while dry humping to the same music. Snore! Can we please get some variety here? These movies are becoming embarrassing. Ray can usually be counted on for one or two decent sex scenes but "Lust at First Bite" is nothing to lust over. It can be skipped.

One last thought, the only good thing about "Lust at First Bite" is it reminds me how much I miss Beverly Lynne. Beverly has two lesbian sex scenes which are decent. They're not too thrilling but I liked seeing her in action again. I still haven't seen a hotter Beverly Lynne flick than "Bikini a Go Go". In that one, she goes from being frigid to a raging nympho. Beverly needs to let loose her inner raging nympho again. I so miss the nympho. We all do.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 lust at Lynne sight

"Sexual Witchcraft" review

Sexual Witchcraft (2011)
AKA Little Witches

Director: Fred Olen Ray
Writer: Fred Olen Ray

Michelle Bauer ... Mrs. Turnbull
Vanessa Brink ... Cleopatra
Michelle Maylene ... Elaine
Christine Nguyen ... Sheri
Holly Sampson ... Carrie
Randy Spears ... Jack

Jessie Lunderby ... Sexy Cop

Witches have moved into the neighborhood and Michelle Bauer is not happy about it. Christine Nguyen and her husband have irked the neighbors with their sexual sorcery. Holly Sampson has come down from sexual witch heaven to help Christine navigate the modern world. She imports Cleopatra for reasons that are too ridiculous to mention. It all ends with a lot of mediocre sex and a great ad campaign for Christine's husband. But I'm with Bauer. Her neighbors are bringing down property value in the softcore neighborhood.

"Sexual Witchcraft" is another misfire from Fred Olen Ray. Here we see the importance of casting and making sure that the performers have some sort of chemistry with each other. "Sexual Witchcraft" demonstrates clearly that Ray has been watching too much television. The movie is filled with stunt casting that serves nothing except bringing the movie down. I knew about Holly Sampson and her Tiger Woods liason but I had to dig a little deeper to figure out why the other women, (except Christine Nguyen), were in this movie.

Jessie Lunderby plays a busty cop who bumbles around Christine's house for no reason other than this movie needed a busty cop. Actually there is a reason she's wearing a cop uniform. Lunderby used to be a cop until she got let go after posing for Playboy. So Ray the carny had to jump on this exploitation opportunity as fast as possible. But Ray forgot about the part where she showcases her carnal skills and instead relies more on her acting skills. Newsflash: She has no acting skills. Get back to the sex. But her sex scenes are a bust as Ray starts a lesbian scene with her and Holly Sampson only to abruptly end it. So why did she need to be in this movie? Only a bored Ray knows for sure.

Ray also casts Vanessa Brink as Cleopatra. Brink appeared on an episode of "Intervention, (great show), supporting her husband. She is also known as pornstar Cassandra Cruz so it's hard to figure out where Ray spotted her first. Brink is in the only decent sex scene when she runs into a horny Holly Sampson. But the rest of the sex scenes in "Sexual Witchcraft" are worthless. It's all about lazily going through the motions as Ray amuses himself with his eccentric cast. "Sexual Witchcraft" can be skipped.

One last thought, why is Michelle Bauer being neglected? She is the mother of all MILF's. I was sure there was going to be a scene where Christine puts a spell on Bauer to break her out of her spinster shell. This movie needed Michelle's magic. She's the real sex sorceress. She's still got the body and I know she can still cast a spell on late night audiences. We need a reunion of the Nightmare Sisters to make amends for these lame movies. Quigley, Stevens and Bauer can lift the curse Ray and his ludicrous casting choices have wrought on late night cable.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 busty cops

"Rubber" review

Rubber (2010)

Director: Quentin Dupieux
Writer: Quentin Dupieux

Stephen Spinella ... Lieutenant Chad
Jack Plotnick ... Accountant
Wings Hauser ... Man in wheelchair
Roxane Mesquida ... Sheila
Ethan Cohn ... Film buff Ethan
Charley Koontz ... Film buff Charley

"Rubber" is the story of a tire. An angry tire. When the rubber meets the road, it turns into a massacre. Tire rolls into town and wants to squash some heads. This tire has gotten so furious it has attained telekinetic powers. As it shakes like it's having a conniption fit, the object of the tire's hatred explodes in an orgy of gore. There's an audience on a hillside watching all of this tire carnage unfold. The tire hates them too. There's no reason why this tire is doing all of these hideously destructive acts. No reason at all.

Well, actually there is a reason that this tire is on a rampage. It's so that we can talk about the director and his kooky movie. I mean, haven't you ever seen a movie where disgruntled auto parts attack? Maybe this maniacal tire was the spare tire from "Christine" and got upset about being left in the trunk. We've seen cars attack before but never a tire. A lone tire out to destroy humanity. It's just kooky enough to work.

"Rubber" is a movie that exists for no reason. It's here to show us that movies don't need a reason to spring to life. All you need is to film something vaguely interesting, (in this case a killer tire), and someone to watch it and you have a movie. "Rubber" has a passive audience that sits on the sidelines watching the tire roll over dead bodies. The filmmakers want to slap the audience from their slumber so they drag them into the movie. They achieve filmmaker nirvana by destroying their audience. Truly, it's what all filmmakers dream of. Killing your audience, (critics), and laughing about it are what director's dreams are made of. But then who would watch their nonsensical films of homicidal tires?

"Rubber" is a wacky movie about killer tires that succeeds for no reason. I have always been a big believer in movie logic, (or lack thereof). If this tire wants to blow people's heads off, I say go for it. I don't need to know how or why it gained this incredible power. I only want to see it use it in regular intervals. So roll on you crazy tire. You don't need a reason to pop human brains out of their skulls. Just make sure when you do it, I can watch.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 hot babes with killer tires for no reason

"Sweet Karma" review

Sweet Karma (2009)

Director: Andrew Thomas Hunt
Writers: James Fler Andrew Thomas Hunt

Shera Bechard ... Karma Balint
John Tokatlidis ... William
Frank J. Zupancic ... Stefan
Christian Bako ... Tomas
Laura McLean ... Mavra
Patricia Stasiak ... Anna Balint
Lana Koseniv ... Galina
Tanya Rusnak ... Franciska
Sasha Kovacs ... Redhead
Anna Beben ... Blondie

Sweet, sweet Karma is going on a rampage. Her sister has been sold into sexual bondage in Toronto and Karma wants revenge. The Russian gangsters who imported her sister over told her she'd be cleaning houses but she ends up polishing knobs. When Karma is told that her sister has been killed, she decides to extract justice as only a hot mute girl in an exploitation movie can. She hangs out in a strip club dressed in white lingerie looking for the right moment to strike. Many Russian gangsters will pay dearly for their lecherous ways.

Ahh, sweet Karma. Sweet, unforgiving Karma. I needed this movie. I needed Karma to blast her way through the underworld and she did not disappoint me. Shera Bechard is Karma and she is an exploitation movie treasure. The filmmakers have struck gold with Shera. In one scene, Shera hangs out in a strip club looking for an opportunity to kill the sleaziest pimp. She rushes the stage and gives an impromptu strip tease which naturally lures the pimp to his doom. This scene was amazing as was their fight in the bathroom. I will now have to think twice if a stripper offers me a chance to snort cocaine off of her breasts. "Sweet Karma" shows you the potential bloody downside to this sordid possibility.

"Sweet Karma" also makes me realize I haven't been to a strip club in awhile. Although maybe that's a good thing considering the people who are running it. One scene has the gangsters cursing over the lack of lap dances their stable has pounded their way through. This made me glad I wasn't a figure in organized crime's lap dance quota. But then another scene had Karma getting a lap dance from a large breasted blonde and I was feeling nostalgic for the club again. They even drop Stormy Daniels name as a feature dancer and it made me flash back even more to the strip club bump and grind. Oh Sweet Karma, why did you have to show the fun side of sin?

But Karma will not stand for gangsters exploiting women so she burns her way through the whole crew. There are scenes of rape, (which ends badly for the rapist), a catfight with a knife, (cat knife fight?), and various scenes of Karma vengeance. "Sweet Karma" had all the elements I like to see in fine cinema. Guns, girls, strip clubs and hot mute supermodels on a killing spree. I had a good time watching Shera dish out some bad karma. "Sweet Karma" is worth a look.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 sweet Sheras

"Mega Python vs. Gatoroid" review

Mega Python vs. Gatoroid (2011)

Director: Mary Lambert
Writer: Naomi L. Selfman

Deborah Gibson ... Dr. Nikki Riley
Tiffany ... Terry O'Hara
A Martinez ... Dr. Diego Ortiz
Kathryn Joosten ... Angie
Kevin M. Horton ... RJ Cupelli
Carey Van Dyke ... Justin

Giant gators and pythons are attacking and only 80's pop stars can save the day. Debbie Gibson and Tiffany are ready to go to war in the Everglades to answer the trivia question of which 80's pop singers appeared in a movie with Gatoroids? Debbie, (or is it Deborah?), Gibson is a kooky environmentalist who releases pythons into the wild. The local ecosystem cannot handle the pressure so Sheriff Tiffany pumps up the gators with steroids. Hence, they become Gatoroids. Pythons eat steroid-saturated Gatoroids and become Mega Pythons. Gibson and Tiffany will have to combine their powers if there is any hope of saving humanity from these ridiculous CGI creatures.


"Mega Python vs. Gatoroid" finally lets me ask the question I've been wanting to ask for years. At last, a chance to ponder one of life's great mysteries. No, I'm not wondering about who would win in a battle of Mega Pythons vs Gatoroids. No one cares about that. I am curious about the only aspect of this movie that is worth thinking about. The one aspect of this movie that the filmmakers exploited brilliantly. That is, who would you rather have sex with, Tiffany or Debbie Gibson?


Now this is a tough question. One shouldn't rush to judgment here. On the one hand, Debbie has the innocent persona, (don't know if it's true but for ridiculous arguments sake let's say it is), the blonde svelte look and overall hotness. Tiffany, on the other hand, has grown up to be a voluptuous vixen. What I mean is, she has amazing breasts. She was the best special effect in "Mega Python vs Gatoroid". The filmmakers kept her cleavage displayed in almost every scene she was in and I was astounded each time.


Before watching this movie, I was sure the answer to my carnal question was going to be Debbie Gibson. But I'm going to have to go with Tiffany. (It's OK Debbie. Dry your eyes.) Tiffany is my kind of woman. I was staring at her bountiful harvest throughout most of the movie. She made every scene she was in better by embracing the B-movie standard of breasts excellence. Gibson is a little too thin for my tastes. Frankly, she needs to eat a cheeseburger or two. Gibson needs to take a break from Pilates and head to In-N-Out. She'll need the carbs if she's going to battle Gatoroids.


As for the movie, it was a typical cheesy monster movie. If Tiffany and Gibson weren't in it, it would not be worth talking about. The only redeeming part of this movie is the battle royale between Tiffany and Gibson near the end. Gibson and Tiffany have a food fight/wrestling match during a party in which whipped cream and other substances are rubbed over each other. This was a fine B-movie moment. The filmmakers also deserve some points for dropping references to Gibsons and Tiffany's songs. It makes me want to sing a Debbie Gibson song now. Would I get a chance to forgo my carnal question and just have a three-way with the 80's ladies? As Debbie would say, Only in my dreams...


SCORE: 2 out of 4 80's ladies

"Skyline" review

Skyline (2010)

Directors: Colin Strause Greg Strause

Writers: Joshua Cordes, Liam O'Donnell

Eric Balfour ... Jarrod

Scottie Thompson ... Elaine

Brittany Daniel ... Candice
Crystal Reed ... Denise

Neil Hopkins ... Ray

David Zayas ... Oliver

Donald Faison ... Terry

A group of friends are hanging out in a nice condo in Marina Del Rey when aliens attack. Their hangover gets interrupted as blue strobe lights flash through the windows of a beautiful, two bedroom condo with central heating. The friends hunker down and try to discuss survival tactics in an architectural masterpiece that soars into the Marina Del Rey skyline. They run around the valet parking area, the spacious pool and sauna and even the rooftop helicopter pad but there is no escape amongst the vast assortment of luxury amenities.

"Skyline" is the most amazing condo porn I have ever seen. This movie makes me want to move. I'm living in a hovel compared to this alien infested building. I knew I had seen this building before but I wasn't sure where. It was the helicopter pads that reminded me of those condos on Lincoln Blvd in the Marina. Sure enough, as I went to grab some Chipotle I remembered this towering condo structure. Upon further research, I learned that the director lived at this building and shot the entire movie at his place.

"Skyline" is B-movie making at it's finest. The director just had to roll out of bed to film the alien invasion. He didn't even need to put on any pants but I hope that he did. "Skyline" never leaves this condo building as the aliens come to it. Eric Balfour and his buddies run back and forth as various brain sucking invaders crash the director's pad. Every part of this condo building is used for filming. There's an extended scene in the parking garage, a chase scene by the pool and the rooftop helicopter pad is exploited for all its worth. A one bedroom here will run you about $3K/month but with so many amenities to run to during an intergalactic invasion, it's so worth it.

But is "Skyline" any good? Sure, if you like B-movies about aliens sucking peoples brains in a luxury condo. "Skyline" was made for DVD but somehow ended up in theaters. I suspect normal moviegoers were aghast that this cheap exercise in alien Armageddon infested the theaters. As for me, I dug it. Oh sure, Eric Balfour has a face you want to slap and every character was annoying but that condo made me want to sign the lease right after the movie. It could have used a little more blood and guts to punch things up but the filmmakers needed to save some money for their rent.

"Skyline" makes it clear that the only place to be during an alien invasion is in this condo building. I want the director to know that if aliens invade L.A., I'm coming over. Don't worry, I'm a gracious guest and will bring my own pillow and some beer. I just want to experience this condo building before I die. A few laps in the pool, then a quick trip to the sauna and then the aliens can eat my brains. I'll die a happy brainless man.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 glorious Marina skylines

The Marina.

The pool.

The helicopter pad. This movie has everything!

"Porno Holocaust" review

Porno Holocaust (1981)

Director: Joe D'Amato
Writer: George Eastman

George Eastman ... Dr. Lemoir
Dirce Funari ... Simone
Annj Goren ... Contessa

"Porno Holocaust". No self respecting exploitation fan could resist a movie with a title like that. I am no exception. I knew that it was in Italian with no subtitles but I didn't care. I had to see it. I beg forgiveness for my movie sins.

The most important thing to know about this flick is that it is a porno movie. It's not a particularly good porno movie either. A bunch of people head to an island, have sex and discover a monster. There are scenes of "horror" mixed with the hardcore. They consist of people getting bashed over the head with blood coming out of their skulls. There is also a scene where a girl is raped by the monster. The monster is a black man with some makeup on his face to make him look "radioactive". Scary stuff.

Director D'Amato likes his interracial porn. Here he spices things up by making the black man a monster that likes to rape the visiting white women. They die after the rape because the monster is radioactive. It sounds pretty sordid but when you see it you can't help but yawn.

D'Amato is such an incompetent dolt he can't even film a porn scene right. He has one couple have sex three different times. YAWN! Variety man! The actors shouldn't be monogamous with each other! Not only that, he has them roll into the same sex positions. Every porn scene has music blasting over the top of it. Hello?! I can't hear their supposed screams of ecstasy with this flute blasting in my ear. He also managed to make a scene with two women having sex seem tedious.

So as a porno movie, it's a bust. As a horror movie, it stinks. But as a warped sleaze experience, "Porno Holocaust" should probably be seen once. It's not good but it's unique in it's own grimy way.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 radioactive freaks