"Dark Reel" review

Dark Reel (2008)

Director: Josh Eisenstadt
Writers: Josh Eisenstadt Aaron Pope

Lance Henriksen ... Connor Pritchett
Daniel Wisler ... Tall Man
Edward Furlong ... Adam Waltz
Tiffany Shepis ... Cassie Blue
Rena Riffel ... Detective LaRue
Tate Hanyok ... Elizabeth
Alexandra Holden ... Scarlett May
Mercedes McNab ... Tara Leslie
Brooke Lyons ... Tanya Kismen

I brought "Dark Reel" over to my friend's house so we could explore another Tiffany Shepis B-flick. We've seen her in numerous movies and needed to take in another Shepis adventure. As luck would have it, my friend's girlfriend and her sister just happened to be there that night. They would also know the joy of watching Tiffany scream.

"Dark Reel" is about death, murder and Edward Furlong. Furlong is a B-movie fan who wins a contest to be an extra in a Tiffany Shepis movie. My God, he's hit the jackpot. Tiffany is filming a pirate movie and Furlong gets the chance to plunder and pillage her body. A masked killer is also stalking the set which is not nearly as interesting as watching Furlong make moves on Shepis. Tiffany starts falling for Furlong's abundant geeky charm. Of course she does. What woman can resist a B-movie fan? But Furlong and Shepis have to be careful as nothing brings out blood thirsty slashers and ghosts faster than a scream queen making sweet love to one of her fans.

So the killer slashes his way through the cast while the police question the weird newcomer to the film, the dreaded and feared B-movie fan. They're all crazy. Anyone who would sit through these movies and call them entertainment must be insane. The police are sure that Furlong is gutting the actors so he can advance up the B-movie food chain. But the police will never grasp the complexities of the violent movie fan. It's much more fun to watch than to participate. It's the essence of being a voyeur and Furlong just likes to watch Tiffany do her B-movie thing. Don't we all?

"Dark Reel" is a fair B-flick. It had the potential to be an interesting twist on the slasher movie but it just ends up getting more ridiculous as it goes on. There's a back story about a murdered actress haunting the set but it felt like it was inserted into the movie just to distract us from the fact that we're watching a typical slasher movie. There are a few gory spots but nothing that will make you squirm. But on the plus side, "Dark Reel" hums right along and doesn't cause too much pain. Tiffany gets topless on a couple of occasions and each time was a cause for rejoicing.

My friend and I were satisfied with our latest Shepis adventure. Each time Tiffany got topless, we made sure to point her out to the ladies watching the movie with us. "There's Tiffany Shepis, right there!" I'm sure they appreciate attention to B-movie detail as much as we do. Well, probably not but when you're a B-movie fan, you've just got to share the fun.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 Shepis fans

B-movie scream queens often fall in love with their fans. Can you blame them?

"Warrior Queen" review

Warrior Queen (1987)

Director: Chuck Vincent
Writers: Rick Marx Harry Alan Towers

Sybil Danning ... Berenice, Roman ambassador / Swordwoman
Donald Pleasence ... Clodius Flaucus, ruler of Pompeii
Rick Hill ... Marcus, the chariot warrior (as Richard Hill)
Josephine Jacqueline Jones ... Chloe, the senior slave (as J.J. Jones)
Tally Chanel ... Vespa, the new blonde slave
Samantha Fox ... Philomena / Augusta, Clodius' wife (as Stasia Micula)
Suzanna Smith ... Veneria, the experienced blonde slave

I rented this one from my terrible local video store. Why do I keep going back there? It's probably because they have such an eclectic variety of B-movies to choose from. Not only is Sybil Danning in this one but it also has porn legend Samantha Fox. If you saw "Dracula Exotica", you know what I'm talking about.

As for "Warrior Queen", let's just say it's not Fox's finest work. Speaking of career lows, Donald Pleasence shows up as the ruler of Pompeii. He tries to impress Warrior Queen Sybil Danning but it's to no avail. Danning is so bored with this movie she looks like she's going to fall asleep. One of Pleasance's party tricks is to release doves and then try to catch them with a butterfly net. He runs around and acts completely insane which surprisingly doesn't endear him to Queen Danning. At this point in the movie I had to stop and ask myself, why did I rent this garbage? Then, right on cue, an orgy broke out. Ahh ha. I knew there was sleaze hiding here somewhere.

"Warrior Queen" is an exceedingly lame B-movie with a great video box cover. There's just something about a picture of barbarian women with the name Sybil Danning on the top that I find hard to resist. There are a few violent scenes as various gladiators do battle with each other as lamely as possible. There's also a thrilling volcano explosion that was lifted from a better movie.

But if you are going to subject yourself to this, make sure you rent the unrated version and your fast forward button is working. You'll have a lot of filler to get through to see the orgiastic excesses of Pompeii. And I don't mean Emperor Pleasance and his lust for dove catching.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 Queen Dannings

Achtung Sybil.

"Hospital Massacre" review

Hospital Massacre (1982)

Director: Boaz Davidson
Writers: Marc Behm Boaz Davidson

Barbi Benton ... Susan Jeremy
Charles Lucia ... Harry / Harold (as Chip Lucia)
Jon Van Ness ... Jack
John Warner Williams ... Dr. Saxon
Den Suries ... Dr. Beam

Barbi Benton goes to a hospital and it's a massacre. Various people die horribly as Barbi gets checked out. Years earlier she had rejected some poor young psychos valentine which led to predictably violent results. Her friend ended up paying the price for her cruel dismissal of her would be suitor. Flash forward a couple of years and she has turned into a beautiful woman. Unfortunately her broken hearted childhood admirer still hasn't learned to let go and stalks her at a hospital. Her bloody Valentine will not let her leave the hospital until it's a complete massacre.

I enjoyed "Hospital Massacre". It was a ridiculous slasher flick but very entertaining in its own brain dead way. Benton pops into the hospital for some test results and won't leave until every single person has been killed. There are plenty of gory scenes to enjoy as Benton makes her rounds. Every medical instrument gets used in an attempt to end all human life at this hospital. Heads are lopped off, axes are stuck in skulls and various other people meet untimely ends.

Of course I never could figure out exactly what was wrong with Benton that she needed to be in the hospital in the first place. But I'm not a doctor. Oh wait, I guess I am. Although I'm not exactly sure what was ailing Barbi, her doctor had to take her shirt and bra off to diagnose the problem.

The highlight of the movie was Barbi getting examined by a horny doctor. His stethoscope was scanning every inch of her chest to find that elusive heartbeat. "Breathe in", he would say as Barbi's chest rose. He would follow that with, "Breathe out" and Barbi's breasts would fall. He gave this instruction about 5-10 times. I appreciate that level of professionalism. He had to get at the root of the problem. The problem, of course, was Barbi's bra. It was way too confining. It had to go. Problem solved.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 Barbis

"Talk Dirty" review

Talk Dirty (2003)

Director: Clark Stewart
Writer: Martin Olmedo

Nichole McAuley ... Det Allison Germanetti (as Nicole)
Lezley Zen ... Tina (as Lesley Zen)
Monique Alexander ... Stacie
Kaylynn ... Maria
Ann Marie ... Violet

Oh Cinemax. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I caught "Talk Dirty" on that great late night cable station which is really the only place to see such fine cinema. I saw that Lezley Zen was in it and was ready to hear some dirty talk. Cinemax has brought us so much softcore joy over the years that I felt certain that this would be another winner.

"Talk Dirty" is about sex and talking dirty. A cable talk show host is killed. Fortunately, she manages to get in a lesbian sex scene before she passes on to that adult talk show in the sky. Soon a hot blonde detective will be on the case. More people get killed while other people have sex. To paraphrase "Full Metal Jacket", the dead only know one thing, it is better to be having sex. The movie ends with a little more sex.

"Talk Dirty" is a fine softcore flick. All of the women were hot and the sex was pretty good too. Lezley Zen was looking especially good with her outrageously hard body. My vote for hottest scene goes to the blonde and her boyfriend getting it on in the bathtub. Now that's a good ending. They could've talked a little dirtier but I guess they were trying to get clean. Words would've just slowed them down.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 babes of Cinemax

Everything Zen.

"Shadowzone" review

Shadowzone (1990)

Director: J.S. Cardone
Writer: J.S. Cardone

Louise Fletcher ... Dr. Erhardt
David Beecroft ... Capt. Hickock
James Hong ... Dr. Van Fleet
Frederick Flynn ... Tommy Shivers
Shawn Weatherly ... Dr. Kidwell
Miguel A. Núñez Jr. ... Wiley

A group of scientists are conducting dream experiments in an underground lab. They accidentally kill one of the volunteers so the marines get called in. It turns out that the scientists have unleashed a creature from the dream dimension or Shadowzone. The creature fills you with your greatest fears and then destroys you. Soon many victims will wander off down dark hallways in search of their B-movie doom.

Another underground laboratory. Another monster attacking. Another B-movie "Alien" rip-off. Another beautiful naked woman lying in a glass tube. Hey, wait a minute, that's kind of new. Oh no. Wait. That was in "Lifeforce". Oh yeah. But the amount of time this female stays in her test tube is much longer than the naked woman in "Lifeforce". In fact, I would venture to say that "Shadowzone" has the longest scene of a naked woman lying in a glass tube in motion picture history. Now that's good cinema.

The rest of the movie has the monster attacking dolts in fairly regular intervals. "Shadowzone" is entertaining in it's own predictable B-movie way. Unfortunately the monster disturbs the naked woman's slumber and the viewer starts weeping. Don't jostle the tube man! Watching naked Sleeping Beauty was the highlight of the movie. The rest was non-tube related.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 naked women in glass tubes

"Demonicus" review

Demonicus (2001)

Director: Jay Woelfel
Writers: Tim Sullivan Jay Woelfel

Gregory Lee Kenyon... James / Tyranus
Venesa Talor... Gina
Brannon Gould... Dino
Kyle Tracy... Joe

A bunch of college students decide to go on a hiking trip. One of them wanders off so he can search a cave for something interesting. You know, like bats, stalactites, remains of an ancient Roman gladiator, etc. He finds some armor so naturally he has to try it on. This unleashes the spirit of K-marticus, the Mighty Cheap. He must now go out into the wilderness to slaughter his friends as cheaply as possible.

Wow. What a stinker. This movie will convince you that anyone on the planet Earth with a camera and $100 can make a movie. I don't think my expectations were too high going in but the mighty K-marticus struck me down with his blue light super saving budget sword. I've been searching for many years but I finally found the bottom of the barrel. "Demonicus" was waiting for me.

There are many things wrong with "Demonicus". I could list them all but that would take too much time. Instead I'm trying to think of something positive to say. Now there's a challenge! Hmmm...There were some gore scenes as K-marticus attacked his friends on a regular basis. Then again, all of the gore scenes were cheap and terrible. I guess that wasn't too positive. Oh well. At least "Demonicus" is over and I never have to see it again. Now that's being positive.

SCORE: LANDFILL

"The Crater Lake Monster" review

The Crater Lake Monster (1977)

Director: William R. Stromberg
Writers: Richard Cardella William R. Stromberg

Richard Cardella... Sheriff Steve Hanson
Glen Roberts... Arnie Chabot (as Glenn Roberts)
Mark Siegel... Mitch Kowalski
Bob Hyman ... Richard Calkins
Richard Garrison ... Dan Turner
Kacey Cobb ... Susan Patterson

A dinosaur/monster/piece of clay that looks like a dinosaur/monster rises up out of the Crater Lake. It is "The Crater Lake Monster". A meteor smashed into the lake which brought the dinosaur/cheap effect to life. Of course it did. Many rednecks will meet their doom wandering anywhere near this prehistoric beast from 20,000 fathoms.

"The Crater Lake Monster" is a cheap monster flick. It's so cheap that it neglects to show it's monster for most of the movie. Instead we are supposed to be entertained by the sight of two hicks trying to be funny. One scene that has burned in my memory is the one where the two hillbillies go bumbling through the woods. As they stumble their way around, obnoxious banjo music keeps blasting on the soundtrack. I want to believe that the filmmakers sincerely thought this scene was supposed to be comedic but it only brings pain and suffering.

Unfortunately the monster scenes are not much better. So a Claymation beast attacks people by the Crater Lake and horror does not ensue. The ending was quite ridiculous. I wouldn't dream of ruining it. If you can make it that far in the movie, you deserve your punishment/reward.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 bumbling hillbillies

"Zoltan, Hound of Dracula" review

Zoltan, Hound of Dracula (1978)

Director: Albert Band
Writer: Frank Ray Perilli

Michael Pataki... Michael Drake / Count Dracula
Jan Shutan... Marla Drake
Libby Chase... Linda Drake
John Levin... Steve Drake
Reggie Nalder... Veidt Smith
Cleo Harrington... Pat Parks

My friend and I saw this one the other day. After it was over, he was demanding the LANDFILL for "Zoltan, Hound of Dracula". But I can't do it. "Zoltan" gave me too much joy to throw on the garbage pile. Not because it was a quality horror film mind you. There's nothing scary about this movie. But because Zoltan cracked me up! My friend feels like "Zoltan" was robbed of its rightful rating and is filing a protest. His dissenting opinion is duly noted.

A bunch of soldiers release Zoltan and his master from their graves. Zoltan has to get to America so he can find the last descendant of Dracula, (Michael Pataki). They can't function unless they are groveling at Dracula's feet. So Zoltan and his master start stalking the latest Dracula while he's on a camping trip. Yes, a camping trip. The rest of the movie has Zoltan doing battle with other dogs while partaking in constant telepathic discussions with his master. "Yes, Zoltan, Yes."

"Zoltan, Hound of Dracula" is hilarious. I laughed through most of it. I especially loved Zoltan's master who was addicted to communicating with the vampire dog telepathically, "Yes Zoltan. Soon we shall strike, Etc." But the true comedy in this movie is Zoltan himself. There's just something comical about a dog with obvious fake fangs trying to bite someone in the neck. Zoltan curls his lips a lot so he can show off his phony fangs. Each time is a guaranteed laugh.

The ending was classic. It leaves open the possibility of a sequel. Dare we dream? Bring on "Zoltan 2"! Yes Zoltan, Yes.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Zoltans

"Bog" review

Bog (1983)

Director: Don Keeslar
Writer: Carl Kitt

Gloria DeHaven ... Ginny Glenn / Adrianna
Aldo Ray ... Sheriff Neal Rydholm
Marshall Thompson ... Dr. Brad Wednesday
Leo Gordon ... Dr. John Warren
Glen Voros ... Alan Tanner
Rohay North ... Chuck Pierce

I had been staring at the video box cover for "Bog" for awhile. There it was, teasing me, daring me to rent it. It knows my weakness. It knows that I must see every terrible monster movie. When you wonder why they keep making these kinds of movies, think of me and my soon to be missed four bucks.

The video box cover for "Bog" had a swamp monster bubbling up out of the water. Or was it bubbling down into the muck? Not sure. It would have been better for all concerned if it had stayed buried in the bog.

A hick goes dynamite fishing and disturbs the creature living in the bog. The beast awakens and attacks anyone who comes near his beloved bog. The sheriff tries to get excited about finding the monster but sheer bog boredom overtakes him. The creature is a tough monster to catch as it is very adept at staying out of sight. It had to be fast on its feet because it didn't want anyone laughing at its outrageously terrible rubber suit.

So swamp thing attacks people and some other stuff happens. This meaningless exercise in B-movie making will pound you into submission. You start the movie, nothing interesting happens and then the movie ends. However, there are a lot of scenes set in the bog. It's a very boggy movie. If you like to look at bogs, this movie is for you. But if bogs aren't your bag, bag this "Bog".

SCORE: 1 out of 4 boggy deaths

"Vampire Seduction" review

Vampire Seduction (1998)

Director: John Bacchus
Writer: John Bacchus

Tina Krause ... Dracoola
Paige Turner ... Dr. Lesbian
Kiki Michaels ... Sexy Business Woman
Dawn Monacco ... Patient
Debbie Rochon ... Waitress Mary
Chelsea Mundae ... Mrs. Seltzer (as Daisy)
Janie ... Patty
Jenna ... Gidget

A vampire tells a loser to go round up some lesbians for her. He runs around town and sees lots of naked women. That's the movie. "Vampire's Seduction" is a simple little film. It really has nothing to do with vampires other than having a topless woman wear a cape. You see, a long cape means she's a vampire. You can't be a lesbian vampire unless you wear the cape. Lesbian vampires have to have some style.

So the loser runs around town and peeps into windows looking for a lesbian treasure trove. Fortunately, every window he looks into has a sex scene about to break out. Each peeping scene looked like it was filmed separately and then stapled together to make a rough facsimile of a movie. Most of the peeping scenes are pretty standard. Nothing to get excited about. I was getting ready to toss this one in the trash but then, near the middle of the movie, there is one particularly hot scene that saves "Vampire's Seduction" from the garbage.

The loser runs up to his latest window and starts spying on a horny slumber party. The girls start making out while in their pajamas and holding stuffed animals. There's something about stuffed animals and girls making out that makes this party extra naughty. This scene also holds the distinction of being the only Chelsea Mundae scene I've enjoyed. She dominates the girls and makes sure there's not a lot of sleeping at the slumber party. Anyway, this scene makes "Vampire's Seduction" worth checking out.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 naughty slumber party action

"Night of the Demon" review

Night of the Demon (1980)

Director: James C. Wasson
Writer: Mike Williams

Joy Allen
Bob Collins
Barrett Cooper ... Reverend McGinty
Michael Cutt ... Prof. Dixon (as Michael J. Cutt)
Shane Dixon ... Monster
Lynn Eastman-Rossi ... Susan Nugent (as Lynn Eastman)
Melanie Graham ... Crazy Wanda
Jennifer West ... Van girl

A professor takes a bunch of students into the woods to find Bigfoot. Along the way, the group flashes back on various gory murders that the monster has committed. You'd think that the stories of blood and guts would discourage them from finding the beast. Nope. They want it all. Unfortunately for the group, Bigfoot doesn't like to be tracked down and proceeds to rip and tear his way through his loyal admirers.

"Night of the Demon" is the goriest Bigfoot movie ever made. It looks cheap but the gallons of blood flying around make up for its low production values. The best scene has Bigfoot attacking two girl scouts. You'll know that they're girl scouts because they wear bright white T-shits that say GIRL SCOUTS on them. The scouts are carrying knives so Bigfoot grabs their wrists and makes them stab each other over and over. Good thing they wore those t-shirts so Bigfoot could know who he's slaughtering.

There are plenty of other quality gore scenes in "Night of the Demon" for the viewer to enjoy. One scene has some dolt in a sleeping bag being swung around like a rag until Bigfoot gets bored and slams him into a tree. Another scene has a guy going to the bathroom on Bigfoot's head. This does not sit well with the monster. He proceeds to reach out and relieve him of his offending male appendage. Needless to say, I had to rewind each of these scenes so I could enjoy the Bigfoot bloodbath again.

"Night of the Demon" might very well be the best Bigfoot movie ever made. That's really not saying much as there has never been a movie that captured the beauty and grace of this bloodthirsty monster legend. Of course you couldn't really say that "Night of the Demon" is a well made movie in the technical sense, (bad acting, shoddy effects, etc), but it has enough outrageous gore scenes to make it worth watching. Gory and fun, this Bigfoot deserves a look.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 GIRL SCOUTS