"The Witch's Sabbath" review

The Witch's Sabbath (2005)

Director: Jeff Leroy
Writer: Jeremiah Campbell

April Betts ... Keaira
Eric Coffin ... Damian
Gregor Collins ... Derrek
Rikki Dale ... Amber (as Rikki Barry)
Syn DeVil... Auriana
Lori the Gory ... Stripper
Annmarie Lynn Gracey ... Roxy
Ron Jeremy ... Craven Moorehead (The Bible Salesman)
Jed Rowen ... Dave
Lisa Sparxxx ... Meiko

I love the B-movie babes. I really can’t get enough of seeing them do their thing in important cinema like “Witch’s Sabbath”. Although I know full well that the movie is lacking in good acting, plot and other basic aspects of film production, I still get a kick out of these movies. There’s just something about topless women massacring morons that screams entertainment.

A bunch of demonic strippers want to harvest some souls so they can bring on the large breasted apocalypse. They lure some horny idiots, (is there any other kind?), back to their pad so they can get the killing party started. Ron Jeremy shows up as a Bible salesman intent on stopping this evil madness. He doesn’t get very far. Soon the dolts will have to battle the strippers in a fight to the B-movie death.

“Witch’s Sabbath” is a simple movie that will be enjoyed if one is in the mood for a night of cheap blood, cheap T&A, cheap gore, cheap camera work and all around cheapness. Did I mention it’s cheap? Lisa Sparxxx and Syn De Vil are the best special effects the filmmakers could afford and they put them to good use. These two made the movie for me. I had a good time watching them be all the witchy women they could be.

“Witch’s Sabbath” is a joke of a horror movie. There’s nothing remotely scary about it. But as a sleazy B-flick it’s pretty good. It’s worth a look if you’re in the mood for some cheap fun with the B-movie witches.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 witchy women

Scary...

"The Rage" review

The Rage (2007)

Director: Robert Kurtzman
Writers: John Bisson Robert Kurtzman

Andrew Divoff ... Dr. Viktor Vasilienko
Erin Brown ... Kat
Reggie Bannister ... Uncle Ben
Ryan Hooks ... Josh
Rachel Scheer ... Olivia
Sean Serino ... Pris

A mad scientist has had it with humanity. He invents a rage virus that will wipe the scourge of humans off the Earth. But like all nefarious B-movie plans, things go awry. The test subject will not cooperate with the doctor’s master plans and runs amok ahead of schedule. This leads to much blood and gore as the rage virus fills you with the urge to tear people limb from limb. Misty Mundae and friends get in the way of the rampaging rage virus as it spreads from humans to insane vultures. Yes, that’s right. Mad, drooling, blood lusting vultures. It’s a B-movie party.

“The Rage” is an excellent B-movie. I had a great time watching it. It’s set up to be a showcase for gore effects and keeps the blood splatter level high. It starts off with a rage infected human attacking the doctor and then rampaging through some unsuspecting dolts. Once some vultures get their beaks into his dead carcass, they become infected with the virus. They spot Misty and friends and swoop down to finish her off. From there the movie is a nonstop bloodbath. It was a joy to watch.

“The Rage” also holds the distinction of being the best Misty Mundae horror flick I’ve seen yet. Of course, the best Mundae movie of all time is still “The Seduction of Misty Mundae” but as far as normal B-flicks go, “The Rage” is a lot of fun. I still can’t get used to this “Erin Brown” name though. It’s Misty forever. She seems to have shifted gears away from softcore and into horror now so I guess I’ll be seeing her scream her way through B-movie land.

“The Rage” is a perfect Saturday night rental. Blood, gore, severed limbs and psychotic vultures. Well worth checking out.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 raging vultures

"Kinky Killers" review

Kinky Killers (2007)

Director: George Lekovic
Writers: Ken Del Vecchio

Michael Paré ... Barry Harper
Charles Durning ... Alexander Hathaway
Beverly Lynne ... Jill Kessy
Brooke Lewis ... Grace Sario
Ken Del Vecchio ... Bob Hathaway / The Figure (as Kenneth Del Vecchio)
Julianne Michelle ... Serena
Brandon Slagle ... Dean Zimmer
Kelli McCarty ... Tori

The end of the world can come about by having copious amounts of anal sex. Hmmm...it must be a Beverly Lynne movie. Indeed it is! Anal loving Beverly shows up as a psychiatrist bent on doggie style world domination.

A couple of cops are investigating a series of sadistic murders. Body parts are showing up all over town with strange tattoos on them. All of the victims are connected to Dr. Beverly and her sleazy boyfriend. Beverly believes in carnal therapy and sometimes lets her boyfriend have some fun with her patients. As more naked women get chopped up, the cops close the net on Beverly and her kinky killers.

“Kinky Killers” is a decent sleaze fest. There is a very convoluted explanation as to why all of the murders are happening. It takes up about five minutes at the end which could have been better spent watching Beverly get naked. It has something to do with a Polycarp and seven churches and some other stuff and ahh who cares? All we need to know is that Beverly likes to get on all fours and wants to rule the world on her knees.

“Kinky Killers” has the usual bumps and clunkiness that B-movies about sadistic ritual murders of naked women always seem to have. But Beverly and friends make up for it with their dedication to exploitation extremes. Watching them encourage incantations while getting pleasured from behind is a fine example of B-movie cinema. If you’re in the mood for some Saturday night sleaze, “Kinky Killers” is a fair rental. It’s certainly not a horror movie but has some moments of B-movie sleaze that could be worth checking out.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 kinky Beverlys

"Bit Parts" review

Bit Parts (2006)

Director: Dave Reda
Writer: Jon Rosenberg

Michelle Angel ... Maggie Cranston
Molly Fix ... Melissa Martin
Sarah Gordon ... Brenda Martin
Christopher Page ... Doctor Cranston
Dave Reda ... Bobby DuMont
Peter Redman ... Detective Tony Giallo
Sean Spence ... Phil

A madman is stalking the wannabe actresses of Hollywood. He’s holding phony auditions so that he can get women to show him their bit parts. He wants to cut off their most attractive features so that he can attach them to his hideously deformed daughter. When he sees an actress with a pair of lips that turn him on, he drags her back to his secret lair where he can perform fiendishly cheap operations. Somehow the deranged daughter and her new organ donor bond which puts a hold on the surgery. This buys the actress some time as her sister and a helpful cab driver try to find her before she goes under the knife.

The story of the sleazy guy in Hollywood luring naïve women to their doom is a tried and true formula. Not surprisingly, the producers of this film used the exact same tactic to get actresses to appear in this movie. The ladies thought they were going to be in a movie but instead ended up as body parts on the B-movie floor.

You’d think watching a madman hack off women’s limbs would be more entertaining. But “Bit Parts” is too cheap to really wholeheartedly embrace the concept of maniacal doctors at work. If there’s one thing “Frankenhooker” taught us, (and it has taught us a lot), is that when making a B-movie about lopping off parts of women, make sure you attach it to something sleazy. Watching the doctor’s daughter get excited about new boobies left me yawning. I didn’t want that brat to get new boobies. I didn’t want her to get anything her little whining heart desired. The doc should have stuffed her in the vat of acid and made a new daughter from scratch. That’s what good times are made of.

“Bit Parts” tries it’s best to be an entertaining B-flick but I couldn’t get into it. It’s too cheap to do the ripping and tearing it needs to. You might get into it if you’re looking for a light hearted take on female organ removal. As for me, I like my evil doctors to remove bit parts with maniacal glee, not psychotic fatherly love.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 female parts

"Harlots of the Caribbean" review

Harlots of the Caribbean (2006)
AKA Bikini Pirates
AKA My day at the Pier

Nicole Sheridan ... Jill
Voodoo ... Dustin (as Alexandre Boisvert)
Beverly Lynne ... Susan
Randy Spears ... Joe
Evan Stone ... Captain Tygus
Rebecca Love ... Morganna the Pirate
Cassie Young ... Morganna's Captive

Did you know today was the last day to ride the Ferris wheel at the Santa Monica Pier? They’ve sold it on ebay to some guy in Oklahoma City. He says he’s going to put it in one of his suburban developments. A new Ferris wheel will be installed at the Pier soon but before the old one got broken down and shipped off, I thought I’d head down there and give it one last ride. Actually it’ll be my first and last ride as I have never been on it before.

So I hit the 3rd St. Promenade and walked toward the Pier. The Promenade begs the question, how many hustlers can I run into before making it to the Pier? I had headphones around my neck to discourage conversation but of course that didn’t stop the guy from asking me if I was looking to buy something? I smiled at him and kept going. I always smile. Remember this 3rd St. safety tip: Smile.

I made it to the Pier and headed toward the Ferris wheel.There was an Iraq war protest going on which looked interesting. Coffins and grave markers littered the Santa Monica beach.I took this as an ominous sign. But I had made it this far so I had to keep going. The line was a little long because everybody got to ride for free today. I put the headphones on and waited patiently.

I finally make it to the front of the line. Oh boy oh boy oh boy! As I’m getting on the Ferris wheel, Gary Busey walks off. That’s right. Mr. “Silver Bullet” himself walks off the Ferris wheel with a blonde woman. If this ride is good enough for Busey, it’s good enough for me. Busey, (in the white baseball cap), knows how to party.
You see, a Ferris wheel is a lot like a late night skin flick. It has its ups and downs. Sometimes it seems to drag on forever and you just want to get off as quickly as possible. Sometimes it leaves you hanging limp in the wind. And sometimes it gives you a beautiful view and you just want to soak it in forever.“Harlots of the Caribbean” is a Ferris wheel sex flick. Some scenes are worth soaking in while others need to end as soon as possible. Beverly Lynne and friends head to the countryside to have sex. They have an old pirate treasure map which tells them the best place to get naked. X marks the spot with S-E being right in front of the X. Make that XXX. Rebecca Love is the large breasted pirate queen who really wants to get laid. She gets her wish as everyone wants to walk her plank. Arrrh me hearty’s.

I love watching Beverly Lynne get laid. She just seems like a woman you could have a shot with. You know, someone you could hang out with and have some fun. Of course the Beverly Lynne of my fantasies could all be a lie. But what a sweet lie it is. Rebecca Love has the kind of all purpose body you could spend a few quality hours with. And I’m talking quality! Her scene with Nicole Sheridan at the end was the highlight of the movie.

There were some other sex scenes but there really not worth dwelling on. Nicole Sheridan looks and acts like the porn star she is. Nothing about her seems remotely real. Her scene in the shower made me want to jump overboard. But then again the last scene with Rebecca makes me want to sing YO-HO-HO and a bottle of rum! I don’t know why but it does. So if you’re looking for some late night fun with a few good panoramic views, “Harlots of the Caribbean” is not a bad ride.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Ferris wheels

Goodbye!