"Blitzkrieg: Escape from Stalag 69" review

Blitzkrieg: Escape from Stalag 69 (2008)

Director: Keith J. Crocker
Writers: Keith J. Crocker Keith Matturro

Tatyana Kot ... Natasha
Steve Montague ... Wolfgang
Wayne Chang ... Gen. Yugosami
Minerva Borack ... Mrs. Schultz
Jonathan Brown ... Berkenholtz
Brandon Slagle ... Russian Prisoner #1 / Nikolai
Russ Russo ... Russian Prisoner #2 / Sergei
Brenda Cooney ... Lucille
Christina Zuber Crocker ... Fritz
Tammy Dalton ... Candice
Charles Esser ... Helmut Schultz
Heather Leonard ... Israeli Soldier #1

I was sent this DVD. Actually, I received a whole B-movie care package from the filmmakers of "Blitzkrieg: Escape from Stalag 69". PR award of the year goes to Wild Eye for sending not only "Blitzkrieg", but "Gothkill" and "The Bloody Ape" as well. There were also some theater cards promoting various double features they ran in NYC along with some buttons. My friend's are proudly wearing those buttons now. And to top it all off the official barf bag for "Blitzkreig" was sent to me too. Now that's my kind of salesmanship. It makes me wish the old 42nd street was still around so I could have watched this triple feature the way nature intended. Surrounded by drunken degenerates who could cut my throat at any second is the only way to go.

Well, the old 42nd street is gone but the B-movie triple feature lives on! I can't go to Times Square to watch these films so I did the next best thing. I drove to Pasadena and basked in the glory that is the mighty shire. So with the help of two friends, (not quite drunken degenerates but close), we settled in to watch the triple feature. It was "Gothkill" followed by "The Bloody Ape" and then "Blitzkreig".

The Nazi's are at it again. They're running a sadistic prisoner of war camp where torture and murder are everyday occurrences. A redheaded Russian fighter gets brought to the camp and is beaten to within an inch of her life. She becomes the focal point of the commanders obsession but she won't give in to his cruel abuse. The Nazi's have to call in their Japanese allies to break her as only an imperial soldier can. The rest of the prisoners plot an escape while the Nazi's talk and talk and talk so much that their inane dialogue makes the camp run riot.

We saved "Blitzkrieg" for the finale because it looked like it was going to deliver an over the top sleaze fest. At this point in the B-movie marathon we were expecting great things. We even took a dinner break after the first two movies so that we could be ready for the carnage that was about to be unleashed.

But "Blitzkrieg" surprises you by not going for the blood and guts jugular. And when I say surprises you, I mean disappoints you. Talk about a missed opportunity. "Blitzkreig" wastes a lot of time having banal conversations when it should have been showing us what the head female prison guard can do with a knife, handcuffs and some time to kill.

When jumping into the Naziploitation genre, (surely the lowest exploitation genre there is), certain elements have to manifest themselves in the film. Torture, sex, blood, guts, and other visceral fun must be presented in the sleaziest way possible. "Blitzkreig" is actually under the illusion it's a real movie about a prisoner of war camp. In one of the interviews on the DVD, the director states that he could have made the whole movie a catalog of violent scenes but he didn't want to do that. Why the heck not? Why make a movie like this at all if you weren't prepared to at least try to outsleaze "Ilsa" or "SS Hell Camp"?

Even though the movie fails to be a successful addition to the nasty Nazi genre, it does manage to have a few exploitation scenes that are worth checking out. The redheaded Russian girl, (Tatyana Kot), deserves special mention as she takes the most punishment while carrying the exploitation load for the movie. There is a great scene where she relieves a soldier of his weapon (a la "I Spit on your Grave"), and then runs through the woods naked while blasting soldiers with a machine gun. When the Nazi's finally catch her, they put her through various maniacal tortures that keep her screaming for the rest of the movie.

But "Blitzkrieg: Escape from Stalag 69" disappointed me and the rest of the B-movie marathon attendees. We had high hopes going into it but the movie was too long and boring to give us the blood soaked finale we were hoping for. Oh well. We'll just move on until the next B-movie triple feature.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 screaming Tatyanas

"The Bloody Ape" review

The Bloody Ape (1997)

Director: Keith J. Crocker
Writers: Keith J. Crocker George Reis

Bob Ceislick ... Hippie
Christina Zuber Crocker ... Lady who has her car stolen by ape
Kevin Crocker ... Officer O' Flannery
Yalcin Cucyuksel ... Kapinsky
Domenique ... Rabbis Wife
Salvatore Finkel ... Rabbi Rabinowitz
Michelle Furnaux ... Gingers Roomate #1
Arlene Hansen ... Ginger
George Reis... LoBianco / Ape
Paul Richichi... Lampini

I was sent this DVD. Actually, I received a whole B-movie care package from the filmmakers of "The Bloody Ape". PR award of the year goes to Wild Eye for sending not only "The Bloody Ape", but "Gothkill" and "Blitzkreig: Escape from Stalag 69" as well. There were also some theater cards promoting various double features they ran in NYC along with some buttons. My friend's are proudly wearing those buttons now. And to top it all off the official barf bag for "Blitzkreig" was sent to me too. Now that's my kind of salesmanship. It makes me wish the old 42nd street was still around so I could have watched this triple feature the way nature intended. Surrounded by drunken degenerates who could cut my throat at any second is the only way to go.

Well, the old 42nd street is gone but the B-movie triple feature lives on! I can't go to Times Square to watch these films so I did the next best thing. I drove to Pasadena and basked in the glory that is the mighty shire. So with the help of two friends, (not quite drunken degenerates but close), we settled in to watch the triple feature. It was "Gothkill" followed by "The Bloody Ape" and then "Blitzkreig".

Carnival barker Lampini decides he's taken enough abuse from the various dolts in his life and unleashes his secret weapon on them. His pet gorilla is let off the leash and proceeds to attack anyone on Lampini's enemy list. His enemy list is long and thankfully includes a few naked women for the ape to molest. Soon a buffonish cop is on the trail of the mad gorilla but decides the case is too difficult to solve so he tries to dump the blame on an innocent black guy. Can anyone stop this banana addicted ape from continuing his simian rampage?

"The Bloody Ape" is a cheap knock-off of Poe's "Murders in the Rue Morgue". Actually, I don't think cheap is a strong enough word to describe this movie's production values. Rinky-dink comes to mind. Shoddy, mangy, two-bit, are all fine words to describe how much resources were expended to make this movie. It's filmed to look like it was made in the 70's but I doubt 70's drive-in movies looked this cruddy.

So if they didn't take the time to make the movie look good, what did they spend their money on? It wasn't the actors as the entire cast took bad acting to new lows. Although the guy playing the cop was hilariously bad. There was one scene where he yells out something like, "I'm trying to solve a murder here!", that had us laughing hysterically. We rewound that scene three or four times to savor every second of his horrible, hammy acting.

So a gorilla attacks a bunch of people as bad actors wander aimlessly around hoping something interesting happens. There were a few scenes where the ape paws at some naked women but it wasn't too thrilling. "The Bloody Ape" seemed like it was heading for the landfill until something brilliant happened.

In the middle of the gorillas rampage he attacks a woman and then gets in her car. He turns the car on and starts driving down the road! This scene had us laughing for a good five minutes. Seeing the gorilla cruise down the street with his arm out of the window is a classic B-movie moment that I will cherish. It's a unique scene as no other movie has dared have a scene where a gorilla goes for a joy ride.

So if you need a laugh or two watching a worn-out ape jack a car, "The Bloody Ape" could be seen once. Of course it's not a good movie but the gorilla's driving scene saves the day and it became the highlight of our triple movie marathon. We were now ready to move on from ape car thieves to SS camp exploitation.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 joy riding apes

"Gothkill" review

Gothkill (2009)

Director: JJ Connelly
Writer: JJ Connelly

Anastacia Andino... DJ Demon
Eve Blackwater... Kate
Juliya Chernetsky... Demonatrix
Michael Day... Lord Walechia
Frank Dudley... Father Connelly
Flambeaux... Nick Dread
Erica Giovinazzo... Annie
Vlad Marco... Tarot Card Reader
Julie Saad... Witch
Sky Claudette Soto... Go Go Dancer

I was sent this DVD. Actually, I received a whole B-movie care package from the filmmakers of "Gothkill". PR award of the year goes to Wild Eye for sending not only "Gothkill", but "The Bloody Ape" and "Blitzkreig: Escape from Stalag 69" as well. There were also some theater cards promoting various double features they ran in NYC along with some buttons. My friend's are proudly wearing those buttons now. And to top it all off the official barf bag for "Blitzkreig" was sent to me too. Now that's my kind of salesmanship. It makes me wish the old 42nd street was still around so I could have watched this triple feature the way nature intended. Surrounded by drunken degenerates who could cut my throat at any second is the only way to go.

Well, the old 42nd street is gone but the B-movie triple feature lives on! I can't go to Times Square to watch these films so I did the next best thing. I drove to Pasadena and basked in the glory that is the mighty shire. So with the help of two friends, (not quite drunken degenerates but close), we settled in to watch the triple feature. It was "Gothkill" followed by "The Bloody Ape" and then "Blitzkreig".

"Gothkill" is about the ancient art of killing Goths. A Catholic priest was burned at the stake during the Inquisition for not jumping on the innocent killing bandwagon. The priest decides he's had it with two faced Catholicism and wants to be with someone he can trust. The Devil of course. Now there's a guy known for his honesty. The Devil makes the priest a deal. If he can ship off enough souls to Hell, the Devil will cut out a piece of the underworld just for him. It takes the priest a few centuries but he finally gets close to his Satanic magic number. All he needs is a few Goths to kill. Thankfully, there's a club full of them and the devil will soon get an overabundance of Goths to play with.

"Gothkill" has the look, feel and smell of a bunch of friends getting together to make a Goth slaughter movie. There doesn't seem to be much point to this flick other than to give the filmmakers an excuse to get the gang together so they could have some fun pretending to kill each other. All roads lead to the climatic scene where the priest goes to town on the Goths in a NYC club. This orgy of gore leads to a more pleasant orgy scene down in Hell where the priest amuses himself with an excessive amount of Goth torture. The movie title doesn't lie. You want dead Goths? "Gothkill" is the movie for you. Goth slaughter awaits.

But while seeing dead Goths piled to the ceiling can be amusing, it's not enough to make a solid B-flick. "Gothkill" is not entertaining enough to compensate for its many other faults. Bad acting, cheap effects, etc. "Gothkill" tries its best to show you the joys of killing freaks but it didn't thrill me too much. My friends agreed and we decided to move on with our triple feature. Goodbye Goths. Hello Bloody Ape.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 dead goths