"Sexy Adventures of Van Helsing" review

Sexy Adventures of Van Helsing (2004)

Directed by Max Von Diesel
Writing credits John Bacchus Helen Black

Erika Smith.... Van Helsing
Darian Caine.... Dracula
A.J. Khan.... Philomenia

I bought this DVD. I bought it because I saw that Erika Smith was in it. I saw her in "Bite Me!" and liked her in that. She's funny, got a nice body and she's a pretty decent actress to boot. Of course, "Bite Me!" was a horror comedy so it wasn't an all out sex marathon like other Seduction flicks. Erika was a stripper in "Bite Me!", she stripped a little but there was no major action. When I saw that she was starring in her own lesbian vampire flick, I knew that this was a film I had to see right away.

Hmmmm, I can think of one glaring omission from "The Sexy Adventures of Van Helsing": Van Helsing, (Erika Smith), does not have any sex. This makes me sad. Interesting new B-movie tactic. They put a girl on the cover of their lesbian vampire flick but don't let her have anything to do with lesbians or vampires. Quite ingenious. I would also like to point out that she's on the DVD cover wearing a cape and a tight leather vampire killing outfit. This outfit does not appear in the actual movie. Of course it doesn't. Why should I expect anything less? She's wearing a white t-shirt through most of the movie. As far as nudity goes, she gets a little naked at the beginning and then that's that. Erika's sex kitten debut is a letdown.

Of course, the movie's not completely worthless. I mean, there is still plenty of lesbian sex. There is a pretty hot scene at the end as Erika convinces some ladies to party in Dracula's crypt. This party scene saves the movie. Erika is pretty funny as the goober girl who turns into a vampire hunter.

But to be honest, I didn't buy this movie to have Erika show off her acting skills. Of course this brings up the most important question about this movie: Why is she starring in a lesbian vampire flick if she's not going to be participating? Why the shyness? Why? Why I say? You call yourself a Van Helsing? You come from a "long line of lesbians"? I just can't believe it.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 because Van Helsing's adventures were not as sexy as they should have been

"Charlie's Death Wish" review

Charlie's Death Wish (2005)

Directed by Jeff Leroy

Phoebe Dollar.... Charlie
Tracii Guns
Ron Jeremy.... Cop

The southern girl with the funky eyes goes to Hollywood to trash the place and every lowlife hustler in it. Charlie, (Phoebe Dollar), has a problem with Hollywood. The City of Angels has sucked up her innocent sister and spit her out. She died in a mysterious jail house "accident". Dollar wants her revenge on all of the sleaze-bags who had anything to do with the death of her sister. She hits the boulevard of broken dreams armed to the teeth to show Hollywood who's running things. Ron Jeremy shows up as a cop who wants to bring down the mysterious vigilante who's bumping off most of L.A.'s gangsters. He better not get in the way or else he'll burn with the rest of Hollywood.

"Charlie's Death Wish" is an ultra low budget revenge flick with a white hot desire to spit in the face of Hollywood. The very first shot in the movie shows the word Hollywood in big neon lights. So right away they've established that Phoebe's massacre will tear its way through La La Land. Later on, as a couple of bad guys make a move for Dollar, she shoots a billboard over their heads which has the word Hollywood plastered across it. The sign promptly falls on them and breaks into pieces. When Dollar really gets mad, she curses Hollywood, rolls her car over the Hollywood sign cliff, and destroys the first two letters in that famous landmark. As Ron Jeremy says, "She took the HO out of Hollywood."

All of this begs the question, who did Phoebe really want to destroy? The evil people who killed her sister or the deceitful town that spawned them and attracts more porno stars, pimps, dealers and thousands of other daydream believers to Hollywood every single day? You can't destroy Hollywood Phoebe. The lure of fame and fortune is too powerful. Your death wish isn't strong enough to compete with the California dream of limousines, swimming pools, perfect weather, beautiful women and a chance to see and be seen on Sunset Blvd with the movie stars.

"Charlie's Death Wish" has an angry Dollar killing as many people as possible. She gives Charles Bronson, (Charlie/Charles Bronson, get it?), a run for his money in the vigilante dept. Many heads will explode before the movie is over. I enjoyed this exercise in B-movie Hollywood bashing. It moved along and gave Phoebe plenty of chances to blow away lowlifes. Jeremy is a fine actor who gets to show off his acting talents as the cop tracking her down.

I'm still a little disappointed that Phoebe Dollar has never gotten naked in any of her flicks. What's up with that? She even goes undercover as a stripper but does not strip. Come on Phoebe. B-movie queens should show a little skin in between cracking skulls. Embrace Hollywood and all it stands for. Don't pick a fight you can't possibly win.

SCORE 2 out of 4 all American Jeremy's

"Sin Sisters" review

Sin Sisters (2003)

Directed by Tony Marsiglia
Writing credits Tony Marsiglia

Misty Mundae.... Cynthia
Chelsea Mundae.... Morgana
Julian Wells.... Juli
Andrea Davis

I bought this DVD. Misty Mundae is not one of my favorite softcore stars but I was intrigued by the possibilities a movie called "Sin Sisters" had to offer. Her real life sister Chelsea Mundae plays her sister in the movie. Visions of two sisters being sinful in bed together did weird and disturbing things to my brain. "Sin Sisters" just might be nasty enough for me. So I bought it.

Oohhhh. My brain hurts. These sisters were not sinful enough. Let's cut right to the chase. They do not have sex. They do not kiss. They don't do anything sexual with each other. Well, they watch each other play around but that's it. Mostly they scream and yell at each other. Misty is the dominant one and screams the F-word at her sister numerous times. Wow. Exciting.

Misty Mundae is still the whitest woman I have ever seen. The movie starts out with her and her sister by the pool sunning themselves. Misty pours suntan lotion on herself and her skin is actually whiter than the lotion! She does absolutely nothing for me. She is a flat chested ghost of a woman. Her sister is even worse. "Chunky" would be an accurate description of her. "Voluptuous" would be another word I could use if I was feeling nice but I'm not. So Chunky and Misty hit the road to a psycho woman's house. The second half of the movie has the two sisters playing mind games with wacko Wells. I was not thrilled. Or aroused.

This movie needs to be completely remade. There could be a really nasty flick here. The hook is that they are real life sisters! Why wasn't that exploited? Why couldn't the sisters have gone on a cross country killing spree? Yeah! They could attack some couples and kidnap the girls back to their motel room. After a little three-way action, the sisters could take a sinful shower together to wash away all that blood and sweat.

Am I the only one who is doing any thinking around here? Am I the only one who cares about quality exploitation movies? Come on people! Let the sisters be as sinful as they want to be!

SCORE: 1 out of 4 because the Mundae sisters were not sinful enough.

My fantasy version of it: 4 out of 4 blood soaked, sin filled Mundaes

"Sin City" review

Sin City (2005)

Directed by Frank Miller Robert Rodriguez
Writing credits Frank Miller

Jessica Alba.... Nancy
Devon Aoki.... Miho
Rosario Dawson.... Gail
Bruce Willis.... Hartigan
Mickey Rourke.... Marv

"Sin City" must be the most faithful comic book adaptation ever made. I have been a Frank Miller fan for a long time and have read all of the Sin City comic books. "Sin City" not only takes its plot from the comic books, it also uses the exact same dialogue and even films the exact same artwork panels. "Sin City" is the comic book come to life on the big screen.

"Sin City" is filmed in black and white with occasional splashes of color. Three tales of sin, crime and corruption play out as large helpings of violence drench the screen. Mickey Rourke is perfect as big, bad loser Marv. He tears through Sin City looking for the killer of his beloved Goldie. His tale is the harshest with the help of sick puppy Kevin and various other miscreants. The Rosario Dawson tale is the most "comic book" with hookers in crazy outfits turning into vengeful assassins when trouble runs into their part of town. Bruce Willis shows up as a cop with a bad heart who wants to save hot stripper Alba from that Yellow Bastard. All three stories are excellent with Rourke's being the best. Sex, violence and lots of white, red and yellow blood fill the screen.

"Sin City" is excellent. You have to see it. Its love for the comic book and for pulp violence in general is evident in every second of the movie. Seek it out. You won't be disappointed.

SCORE: 4 out of 4 Albas

"Scorpion's Revenge" review

Scorpion's Revenge (1997)

Directed by Daisuke Gotoh

Writing credits Toshimichi Saeki

Kristin Norton.... Amazonian blonde prison inmate
Shizuka Ochi.... Yukiko/blind prison inmate
Yoko Saito.... Matsushima, Nami/Sasori/Scorpion (as Yôko Saitô)
Tetta Sugimoto.... Jirô/Nami's fiancé

I bought this video for four bucks. "Scorpion's Revenge". What a piece of junk. "Scorpion's Revenge" sells itself as a naughty women's prison movie. To quote from the video box, "Passion runs rampant behind locked doors, giving way to lust and torture..." Well, they do spend a little time in a women's prison. Yep. Oh, I'd say about 25-30 minutes or so. Then she breaks out of the prison with an hour remaining in the movie! The rest of the flick has her dreaming about revenge and boring the viewer to death. The scenes in the prison were O.K. but the total rip-off that makes up the rest of "Scorpion's Revenge" sinks it.

I would also like to point out that the front of the video box has the main character dressed in a tight leather ensemble while holding a shotgun. This image is nowhere to be found in "Scorpion's Revenge". Like so many rotten B-movies before it, "Scorpion's Revenge" promises you the world only to turn around and give you the finger once you hit play. Yeah, it's garbage. Trash it. And you know where trash goes...

SCORE: LANDFILL

"Ilsa, the Wicked Warden" review

Ilsa, the Wicked Warden (1977)

Directed by Jesus Franco
Writing credits Erwin C. Dietrich Jesus Franco

Dyanne Thorne.... Greta
Tania Busselier.... Abbie Phillips
Eric Falk
Lina Romay.... Juana

I love Ilsa/Greta/Wanda (Dyanne Thorne). I'm not afraid to admit it. Her massive breasts of power make me want to check into her prison system. Once again, Ilsa is reincarnated to give more females beatings and tortures galore. This time she is running a clinic in the jungle for sexual deviants. You know the remedy Dr. Ilsa prescribes: Whips, pins and electro shock therapy. "Now, you will scream."

The movie starts out with a mass shower scene. So right away, we know we are in good hands. Ilsa also takes a bath to show some camaraderie. The suspense is over. We've seen everybody naked in five minutes. So the rest of the flick is Ilsa dealing out punishment to the often naked inmates while some flimsy story plays itself out. One of the inmates wants to find her sister in the gulag and some other stuff.

This is the sleaziest of the series. It gets close to the first one in brutality but doesn't quite make it. One of the prison guards decides to film all the atrocities they commit and sell it to a pornographer. Was this some weird attempt at self criticism by Franco? Not sure. It was an interesting sick twist in a sleazy women's prison flick.

Long live Ilsa. Highly recommended.

SCORE: 4 out of 4 ILSAS!!!!!

"Hulk" review

Hulk (2003)

Directed by Ang Lee

Writing credits Stan Lee (Marvel comic book character) and Jack Kirby
James Schamus

Eric Bana.... Bruce Banner
Jennifer Connelly.... Betty Ross
Sam Elliott.... Ross

Perhaps I'm repressing childhood memories too but I recall the Hulk being a lot angrier in the comic book. The comic book story of the Hulk is basically about a guy who's cursed. But he's cursed with a separate and distinct violent personality. He's not just inflicted with green monster mood swings. Where was the Hulk's charming personality? (Hulk hates puny Banner!) And where was the rage? (Hulk Smash!) I also don't recall the Hulk being so pensive. Every scene gave him an opportunity to reflect on his lost life. Should they have scheduled a therapy session for the monster? "Good, good, let it all out. Tell me about your childhood." "Hulk no play with other kids. RAARRRRR!!" He was one sulking Hulk. But most importantly, where was the fun? I'm sorry but this movie was a disaster.

No fun, no excitement, no Hulk! At least not the Hulk I remember. Or want. All right, it had two cool scenes. There was one scene where the Hulk was playing animal control with a bunch of drooling mutant puppies. The other has the Hulk bashing some tanks in the desert. That is it. End of story. The rest of the movie has people speaking to each other in hushed tones. Lots of whispering. So much whispering in fact that my partner in movie crime, (my dad), fell asleep. Twice! This movie is literally a snooze.

Oh me. Oh my. It was no good. Another aspect that this movie desperately needed was a super villain. Super heroes fight super villains. Not the Hulk though. He'd rather be depressed. The Rhino would have been great. Anything would have been great. Sigh. Now I'm depressed.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 pissed Hulks

Puny Humans screw up my movie! RAARRRRRR!!!!

"Soul Plane" review

Soul Plane (2004)

Directed by Jessy Terrero

Writing credits Bo Zenga Chuck Wilson

Tom Arnold.... Mr. Hunkee
Kevin Hart.... Nashawn
Method Man.... Muggsy
Snoop Dogg.... Captain Mack

Even without taking a single film school course, I can safely say, without fear of contradiction, that I can make a better "Soul Plane" movie. Even if I was blind and had never laughed in my life, I could still manage to make a more entertaining movie. Soul Plane going down! Mayday! Mayday! RRRRRRRRRRRRRR....BOOOOOMMM!

So a guy builds a Soul Plane. It's a party plane. There's a club, some strippers and lots of partying. So where's the fun? Why didn't I laugh at least once? Why were there sincere moments of drama on the Soul Plane? Why should I care if the owner makes up with his girlfriend? Why did she get on the maiden voyage of Soul Plane? Didn't she know that he owned the airline? Is she that stupid? How could a club operate on an airplane? Don't they feel any turbulence? Wouldn't it have been funnier if they had tried to dance while the plane shakes back and forth? Why didn't the horny woman with the large breasts take her top off? Why didn't the horny stewardess take her top off? Why didn't anything interesting or amusing happen on the Soul Plane?

Ahh, whatever. Call an ambulance, clean up the wreckage and call it a day.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 disasters

"Asylum of the Damned" review

Asylum of the Damned (2003)

Directed by Philip J. Jones
Writing credits Matt McCombs

Bruce Payne.... Dr. McCort
Matt Stasi.... James Bishop
Tracy Scoggins.... Helen

After watching "Asylum of the Damned", I got in my car and drove to the nearest bookstore. I came to the realization that there must be better ways to entertain myself than watching a braindead B-movie like this one. So I grabbed the latest Michael Crichton book, "State of Fear", with the hopes that my brain can be recharged and saved before it's too late.

"Asylum of the Damned" is lame. Yes. That's exactly the word you will use after seeing it. Like, "Geez, that was lame." Lame. So very lame. OK, so some demon lives in the basement of an asylum. Now that I've told you that, you can fast forward through most of the movie. This is one of those movies where the monster is a mystery to the main character but is obvious to everyone else. The hospital staff, the inmates, the director, and the audience all know that there is a big snarling beast in the basement. So what is the point of dragging this movie on and on? Yeesh. By the time our hero figures out that there's a possibly interesting movie hiding in the basement, the audience is sound asleep. They roll the beast out once or twice but he doesn't do much. They probably disturbed his naptime.

Avoid this Asylum. Read a book.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 books to read instead

"Jolly Roger: Massacre at Cutter's Cove" review

Jolly Roger: Massacre at Cutter's Cove (2005)

Directed by Gary Jones
Writing credits Gary Jones Jeff Miller

Rhett Giles.... Jolly Roger
Tom Nagel.... Alex
Kristina Korn.... Jessie

A bunch of teens bring a pirate back to life. He's the Jolly Roger. The one thing that makes him very jolly is cutting off people's heads. He stalks his way through the town and kills any scurvy dog that was related to his mutinous crew. Heads fly off in all directions. Only the two star crossed lovers care enough to do some research on Jolly Roger to try to figure out a way to end his head chopping ways.

I was pleased with "Jolly Roger". It may be the best undead pirate flick I've ever seen. They were not shy with the blood and guts. Heads rolled here. Heads rolled there. Sometimes, heads just popped straight up. Lots of heads in a dead man's chest. Jolly Roger even had time to check out a strip club. He was there to do some head chopping and some breast watching. Of course, Jolly Roger couldn't leave without getting a lap dance. A lap dance for the zombie pirate. That was a great B-movie moment. I applauded. It made me jolly too.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 zombie pirate lap dances

"Demon Knight" review

Demon Knight (1995)

Directed by Ernest R. Dickerson Gilbert Adler
Writing credits Ethan Reiff Cyrus Voris

John Kassir.... Crypt Keeper (voice)
Billy Zane.... The Collector
William Sadler.... Brayker
Jada Pinkett Smith.... Jeryline (as Jada Pinkett)
Brenda Bakke.... Cordelia

The Collector, (Billy Zane), wants his key. William Sadler has it and won't give it back. Sadler escapes to a motel in the middle of nowhere. The main man Zane follows in hot pursuit. Soon the humans will have to do battle against Demon Knight Zane and his hordes of undead ghoulies. Blood, guts and green ooze spurt out in abundance.

Billy Zane is hilarious as the Collector. It is surely one of the finest portrayals ever of a demon from Hades. He is as cool as cool can get. He should consider playing a vampire in some future Zane adventure. Count Zane. I can see it. How the Academy overlooked this performance is a mystery.

"Demon Knight" is a great horror/action flick. The Crypt Keeper shows up to bookend the simple story of a motel overrun by green eyed demons. The gore is plentiful and gruesome. Every part of the human body is violated. Arms, eyes, hearts and other important organs are punctured with demonic glee. It's demons vs. humans with Zane trying to seduce everybody. Can anyone resist Zane's satanic power? Only the pure of heart will survive.

One last thing, keep an eye out for a familiar face among the party babes in Uncle Willy's seduction scene. Porno superstar Chasey Lain shows up to help push Uncle Willy over to the dark side. Her demonic topless power was too much for any mortal man to resist.

SCORE: 4 out of 4 demonic Zanes

"Vampire Obsession" review

Vampire Obsession (2002)

Directed by John Bacchus
Writing credits John Bacchus

Anoushka...Wendy
Darian Caine
Jade Duboir.... Alexis (as Jade DuBoir)
A.J. Khan
Allanah Rhodes


I bought this DVD after seeing a trailer for it on the "Play-mate of the Apes" DVD. Anoushka caught my eye in that one and I wanted to follow her voluptuous body to her next party. Tragically, her breasts were much smaller in this flick but she was still hot. She becomes a horny slave to a vampire, (Jade Duboir), and they make it with both willing and unwilling girls. Bloody kisses for everyone.

It would be foolish to call "Vampire Obsession" a movie. This is an all-girl softcore porno. Unlike "Play-mate of the Apes", this movie didn't have music blasting over the top of the sex scenes. "Vampire Obsession" was much better. There was plenty of sighing and moaning. The plot scenes lasted maybe a minute and then the girls were back at it.

The best discovery for me in "Vampire Obsession" was A.J. Khan. She gets stopped by the vampire girls and thrown down on the mat for some action. She is by far the horniest girl in the movie. She is a huge turn-on. I will have to check out a couple more of her sex adventures.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 obsessive Khans

"Dracula 3000" review

Dracula 3000 (2004)

Directed by Darrell Roodt
Writing credits Ivan Milborrow Darrell Roodt

Casper Van Dien.... Capt. Abraham Van Helsing
Erika Eleniak.... Aurora Ash
Coolio.... 187

When you rent a movie about Dracula in outer space, you know you're cruising through the B-movie galaxy. You add Casper Van Dien and Coolio to the mix; you're traveling at warp speed. Then I saw the big man himself, Dracula, wearing the classic black cape with the huge collar. His fashion sense hadn't changed in the last 2,000 years. This ship was out of control and headed for the sun.

"Dracula 3000" is pretty bad. But one has to wonder if it had any chance of being good. Hmmmmm...Probably not. Coolio was overacting his brains out. Van Dien was acting cool, confident, comatose. Even blonde Captain Babe couldn't bring this one to life.

"Dracula 3000" has the classic B-movie set-up. A bunch of characters roam around a big empty space. This time it was an abandoned warehouse/spaceship. Yawn. There's barely any gore, Dracula is a loser, and the viewer slowly drifts away into darkness. Infinite darkness...

SCORE: 1 out of 4 life-sucking Coolios

"El Chupacabra" review

El Chupacabra (2003)

Directed by Brennon Jones Paul Wynne
Writing credits Brennon Jones

Eric Alegria.... Navarro
Anthony 'Treach' Criss.... Dr. Goodspeed (as Treach)
Elina Madison.... Starlina

I have a prediction. A bold prediction. Someday, there will be a good Chupacabra movie. A monster legend of this magnitude deserves an exciting cinematic tribute. Well, at least a competent one. "El Chupacabra" is not that film.

So the Chupacabra attacks people and the world's most excitable dogcatcher decides to do something about it. There are some other characters that appear for no good reason. The movie concludes at the standard B-movie lab. All of the characters somehow end up there and mercifully end the movie.

This movie is painful. It will cause you physical pain. My stomach was turning over while watching this. Every single aspect of this movie is rotten. I cannot find one positive thing to say about it. Let me think...nope. Not a thing.

SCORE: LANDFILL

"Sex, Secrets and Betrayals" review

Sex, Secrets & Betrayals (2000)

Directed by Dave Franks
Writing credits Samm Croft

Nikki Fritz.... Maggie
Daniel Anderson(as Dan Anderson)
Angela Davies.... Lisa
Jezebelle Bond.... Sasha

I saw this on cable the other night. Two words: Nikki Fritz. WOW. Wow I say. She has beautiful breasts that look great naked or squeezed into a dress. In other words, she looks hot all the time. She has a perfect body. It was built for sex. It's a good thing too because her body is working overtime in this one. She has six or seven sex scenes and they are all good.

So Nikki goes back to her old, evil boyfriend to help her husband work off a gambling debt and ahhh who cares? What's important here is that Nikki is having a ton of softcore sex.

She has got the hair flip down to an art. You know, whenever a sex scene starts, the performer has got to be mindful of where the camera is and flip the hair off of their face. Nikki is the hair flipping master. Her long brown hair flies through the air. She should be the spokeswoman for whatever shampoo she's using. It would be a hot seller.

SCORE: 4 out of 4 because Nikki Fritz makes me say WOW

"Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS" review

Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS (1975)

Directed by Don Edmonds

Writing credits Jonah Royston

Dyanne Thorne.... Ilsa
Gregory Knoph.... Wolfe
Uschi Digard.... Naked woman in gas-chamber

Aryan Goddess ILSA tortures women for the Third Reich. She runs a medical experiment camp. You know, it's all for the fatherland. Like infecting women with diseases, boiling them alive, putting maggots in their wounds etc. Her valuable research will help Germany. She also has a pet project brewing. Seems ILSA thinks that women can withstand more pain than men. She longs to prove her theory and beats as many women as possible to test it. It's all purely for research of course.

Dyanne Thorne, (ILSA), is what makes this movie happen. She is perfection. Without her as ILSA, this movie would not have been nearly as good. She was ready for anything. Large breasted ILSA runs the camp with an iron fist. Having her naked a lot helped. I think I love her. She has turned me on to jack boots for life.

So ILSA beats a lot of women and looks for the man who will satisfy her from the prisoners. And who finally gives ILSA a run for her money? That's right baby. An American. God Bless the U.S.A. Only he can tame the wild ILSA. That was a great scene.

"ILSA, She Wolf of the SS" is a superior exploitation film. All B-movie fans should see it. Blood, torture and breasts aplenty. And then there's ILSA. I salute you.

SCORE: 4 out of 4 ILSAS!!!!!

"Evil Breed: The Legend of Samhain" review

Evil Breed: The Legend of Samhain (2003)

Directed by Christian Viel
Writing credits Christian Viel

Bobbie Phillips.... Karen Douglas
Howard Rosenstein.... Paul
Ginger Lynn Allen.... Pandora
Chasey Lain.... Amy
Taylor Hayes.... The Breeder
Jenna Jameson.... Jenny

A bunch of tourists head into the woods to do some research on the ancient ways of the druids. Some inbred, mutant cannibals decide that they look delicious and are going to have their way with them. Porn stars keep showing up in the forest as well. Jenna Jameson and Chasey Lain are two lovely ladies who would look extra yummy sitting on the cannibal’s dinner table. The rest of the movie has the tourists running for their lives from the famished cannibals. Will the lone virgin wearing pigtails survive the vicious onslaught? A porno star doesn’t really stand a chance of getting out alive in these kinds of movies.

I can safely say that only a true horror movie geek could have made this movie. You can hear the pitch: We’ll kill some porn stars, throw in some gore, it’ll be awesome!!! Thus, “Samhain” was born. In fact, the back of the video box proudly proclaims: “Cannibals wreck havoc on Jenna Jameson!” That’s quite the exploitative tagline. Well, it worked wonders on me. I couldn’t rent it fast enough. I’d pay to see Jenna Jameson attacked in a horror flick. In fact, I did pay to see it.

“Samhain” starts off like any other horror flick as the cast/victims end up at a remote spot. Then they take the time to explain the legend of Sawney Bean to the group to get their imaginations fired up. Where would horror movie filmmakers be without Sawney Bean and his clan of killers? So the Irish hills have eyes and they spot a bunch of people making a B-movie. Once the cannibals come out to play, the movie becomes one long gore scene as everybody gets their bloody turn under the knife.

“Evil Breed: The Legend of Samhain” has enough of a potent gore and porno star mix to make it worth watching once. That’s not saying it’s any good mind you. “Samhain” has some of the worst acting I’ve seen in a B-flick. The goober who explains the horror movie rules was really annoying. How he scored in the shower with the Jenna Jameson look-alike is a mystery. Chasey Lain looked like she was going to fall asleep during her scene in the tent . On the plus side, Jenna Jameson shows up long enough to get horribly killed. Check out the deleted version of her death scene. It almost makes it all worth it.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 because Jenna Jameson was attacked by a mutant cannibal

"Alone in the Dark" review

Alone in the Dark (2005)

Directed by Uwe Boll
Writing credits Elan Mastai & Michael Roesch

Christian Slater.... Edward Carnby
Tara Reid.... Aline Cedrac
Stephen Dorff.... Cmdr. Richard Burke

Alone in the Dark" is another one of those movies that you think you should like a lot more than you do. Your brain just won't let you have any fun. It knows what you're watching is total garbage. It can't let you enjoy the demon killing and other action scenes because the movie is just so outrageously stupid.

This movie was written by someone whose only concept of the English language comes from watching other bad action movies. Every character in "Alone in the Dark" talks in clichés. Well, not even whole clichés, more like cliché fragments. Dorff barks orders at Slater who in turn howls at Reid until there's nothing but three mainstream actors wallowing in a bad B-movie.

Slater is a detective searching for demons. He finds them. They attack him. Dorff becomes involved in the hunt as does Slater's hot blonde scientist girlfriend Reid. All three of them shoot lots of demons while some asinine reason is given for the demon's world domination plan.

"Alone in the Dark" is a bad movie. I kind of knew that when I rented it but I was hoping it would at least be a fun flick. I'm sorry to say that the movie is just too brain dead to be enjoyable. Demon killing shouldn't be this dull.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 for lame action scenes that should have been cool. But they were lame. So very lame.

"Lust Connection" review

Lust Connection (2005)

Directed by Jim Wynorski
Writing credits Bill Langlois Monroe Jim Wynorski

Julie K. Smith.... Sasha
Glori-Anne Gilbert.... Jenny/Susan
Frank Harper.... Rick
Holly Hollywood.... Girl in Hotel
Chasey Lain.... Pizza Molly
Jodie Moore.... The Stranger
Monique Parent.... Beth

A dude hits the skin flick lottery jackpot and gets to make it with lots of hot women. He's the suspect in his large breasted wife's murder. He starts to do his own investigation. Maybe it was one of his many lust connections that killed her. He reminisces on all of the sex he's had with his internet hookups. There are a lot of hot women out there who just can't get enough of this guy. His wife's twin sister shows up to comfort him and help him flashback on some more sex. Hopefully he'll find the time to uncover the killer in between thinking about all of his conquests.

Two questions: Who the heck is this guy and how did he get so lucky? I have never seen a soft core flick that only had one guy having all of the fun. I don't know whether I should be outraged at the lack of variety in "Lust Connection" or if I should praise this man as a super stud. I mean, just having a scene with Julie Smith is enough to warrant some praise. This guy makes it with everybody! The hit list: Julie Smith, Glori-Anne Gilbert, Monique Parent, Jodie Moore and a very bored looking Chasey Lain. I need to learn this guy's secret. It's not his looks.

So there are a lot of hard bodied women having a lot of sex with super stud man. I'm kind of upset that there wasn't any variety in this flick. Why didn't a couple of the lust connections hook up with each other? A Julie Smith/Chasey Lain scene would have been awesome. Awesome I say! Speaking of Julie Smith, this gives me another chance to talk about her breasts. They're awesome. Awesome I say! She has two scenes. One has her scrubbing herself in a bathtub and the other has her rolling around on the couch with the big man. Both scenes are great. Overall, there are plenty of hot women doing their thing in "Lust Connection". Of course, they're only doing their thing with one guy. If that doesn't bother you, it's worth a look.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 awesome Julie Smiths

"Underworld" review

Underworld (2003)

Directed by Len Wiseman
Writing credits Kevin Grevioux and Len Wiseman

Kate Beckinsale.... Selene
Scott Speedman.... Michael Corvin
Michael Sheen.... Lucian

Kate Beckinsale wears a skin tight leather outfit and kills werewolves. What more do you need? She is a death dealer, dealing death to werewolves. The werewolves disagree with her profession. It's war. A human gets caught in the crossfire for reasons too confusing to explain. He is not important. What is important is Beckinsale dealing skin tight leather death.

When "Underworld" was first announced, it was described as "Romeo and Juliet with vampires and werewolves". This description sent shivers down my spine. Oh great! They're going to screw up another horror flick! Well, thankfully the filmmakers came to their senses and realized they didn't need some love story mucking up their monster battle royale. This is the key to Underworld's success: Kill the romance, pump up the violence. I can count the amount of times Beckinsale and the human kissed on one finger. That was more than enough.

So Beckinsale hops in a leather outfit and proceeds to lay waste to the werewolves. The movie speeds right along and doesn't waste time with plot, romance or any other filler that takes away from slow motion carnage.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 for skin tight death dealing Beckinsale

and some more skin tight death dealing

and a little more leather wearing Beckinsale.

You know, for my money, I just can't get enough of hot women killing monsters/werewolves/aliens while wearing skin tight outfits.

"Terror Toons" review

Terror Toons (2002)

Directed by Joe Castro
Writing credits Rudy Balli

Beverly Lynne.... Cindy (as Beverly Lynn)
Lizzie Borden.... Candy
Kerry Liu.... Amy

When will I learn? What cosmic event needs to shake me from my slumber? For some reason, the idea of cartoon characters coming to life and killing people appealed to me. I foresaw a "Roger Rabbit" rampage kind of movie.

Instead you get two idiots, in obvious plastic masks, attacking a group of people on a super cheap set. It was painful. There is a lot of gore but it's all cheap and terrible. Just parading animal guts in front of the screen is not going to give gore satisfaction. I could go to the butcher at the grocery store if I wanted that.

And what was with the "younger" sister? She had huge breasts and did not get naked. Did NOT get naked. Why? Why I ask? The movie had nothing else going for it. Why not spring the extra 20 bucks? That's how cheap this movie was. Couldn't afford nudity but had a bucket full of cheap blood.

The main appeal of two cartoon characters attacking was a lie. A gross lie. It was just two dorks in masks being goofy. Load my gun. I've got to take this movie outside and end it all.

SCORE: LANDFILL

"Catwoman" review

Catwoman (2004)

Directed by Pitof
Writing credits Theresa Rebeck

Halle Berry.... Patience Phillips/Catwoman
Benjamin Bratt.... Tom Lone
Sharon Stone.... Laurel Hedare

First of all, I was very happy to see Halle Berry in an all leather cat outfit. Oh, and her whip. Loved the whip. The whip was good. All of the S&M accessories of Catwoman pleased me immensely. "Catwoman" was made for only one purpose: To put a supermodel into a leather dominatrix outfit. So "Catwoman" succeeds in exploiting leatherbound Berry for all that she's worth.

But I am afraid "Catwoman" fails as an action/superhero flick. It's as simple as this: A superhero needs a supervillain. Spiderman has Dr. Octopus. X-men have Magneto. Catwoman has...Sharon Stone? Middle aged cosmetics executive is not the first thing that pops into my mind when I think of a worthy adversary. "Catwoman" is aimless and pointless. It only finds its purpose when Berry is strutting her stuff. Strut, pout, work it out. And whip it. Whip it good.

So Halle Berry becomes Catwoman because...why? Because some cat eyeballed her and decided she'd make a good feline. Berry slowly realizes she's a Catwoman but has no idea what to do with her powers. So she prowls around town waiting for something interesting to happen. Soon she picks up a troublesome scent. This leads her to a cosmetics company and Sharon Stone, (Stoneface? hmmmm...), decides to skin the cat.

Halle Berry looks hot in a leather cat outfit. That's the only good thing about this movie. If you want to watch her slink around rooftops, see this movie. If that doesn't do it for you, it's probably best to skip this one. "Catwoman" doesn't have much, but it's got Halle Berry in leather. It may be enough.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 because the day she died was the day she started wearing hot leather outfits

"Busty Cops" review

Busty Cops (2003)

Directed by Jim Wynorski
Writing credits William McRoy


J. Nichole Italiano-Zaza.... Officer Maxie (as Nikki Nova)
Angela Little.... Officer Ashley (as Katie James)
Jesse Jane.... Officer Chloe

I saw this on cable the other day. "Busty Cops". That's what the program guide said. Did you think I was going to miss a movie called "Busty Cops"? Never! The movie starts off with two chicks making out in a hot tub. One of them was Kelly from the "Kelly the Coed" porno movies. I knew I was in good hands.

So there's a murder on a film set and the Busty Cops have to investigate. This leads to a lot of nudity. Nikki Nova was the tall, brunette, Busty Cop squashed between two short blonde cops. My God, she is hot! Jesse Jane is not bad either. And when I say not bad I really mean: My God, she is hot! Officers Nova and Jane search for clues in between lathering up in a hot tub and pouring chocolate sauce on each other.

This film was excellent. There are a few softcore scenes in this one but "Busty Cops" is more interested in having the cops get naked and wash each other off. There is a lot of cleaning going on here. Clean busts are good. Real good.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 for Officers Nova and Jane