"Hobo with a Shotgun" review

Hobo with a Shotgun (2011)

Director: Jason Eisener
Writers: John Davies Jason Eisener

Rutger Hauer ... Hobo
Pasha Ebrahimi ... Bumfight Filmmaker
Robb Wells ... Logan (as Rob Wells)
Brian Downey ... Drake
Gregory Smith ... Slick
Nick Bateman ... Ivan / Rip
Drew O'Hara ... Otis
Molly Dunsworth ... Abby
Jeremy Akerman ... Chief of Police

Rutger Hauer has come to town to get some peace. All the man wants is a lawn mower. Unfortunately the corrupt B-movie town he's landed in just won't let him achieve his dream. The evil overlord who runs the show kills people just for fun. His two lackeys, (who dress like Tom Cruise), carry out his orders and massacre anyone who gets in the way. When they set their sights on a hooker with a heart of gold, Hauer has had enough. No one kills a gold-hearted whore with Rutger around. It's time to pump the shotgun and send these Cruise wannabes to Hell.

Death comes in many forms. Sometimes it's a creeping disease. Other times, a freak accident will claim a life. And sometimes, a hobo with a shotgun is the answer to your death wish. Hauer lands in the middle of a deliberately over the top B-movie with a loaded shotgun that he can't wait to unload. All of the scum have been begging for a face full of shotgun shells. This hobo is happy to oblige.

"Hobo with a Shotgun" is an exercise in B-movie madness. It succeeds in delivering violence, gore, and general mayhem as only a movie about a shotgun-wielding hobo can. Rutger Hauer is great as the homicidal hobo. He knows that the only way to handle a movie like this is to keep pumping the shotgun. Hauer does not let up on his slaughter until every last dirtbag has eaten some shotgun pellets. They say that violence only leads to more violence. And they're right! Good thing for us Hauer doesn't care about things like forgiveness. Only dealing death by shotgun lets him sleep at night.

After Hauer has caused quite a bit of havoc, the overlord of scum town unleashes The Plague. In the movie's most hilarious scene, two guys in body armor, (head to toe), show up at a hospital to take Hauer out. They are The Plague. One guy has a machete and the other likes to put a noose around people's necks and watch them dangle from the ceiling. Finally, a challenge for the hobo! The Plague captures everything that's good about "Hobo with a Shotgun". These maniacs might need their own movie.

"Hobo with a Shotgun" is a fun gorefest. It's badly acted, (with the exception of Hauer), poorly constructed and doesn't care if it makes any sense. Just like a good B-movie should. If you're in need of a sleaze movie fix, "Hobo with a Shotgun" has got you covered.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 homicidal hobos

The Plague

"SS Experiment Love Camp" review

SS Experiment Love Camp (1976)

Director: Sergio Garrone

Writers: Sergio Chiusi Sergio Garrone

Mircha Carven ... Helmut
Paola Corazzi ... Mirelle
Giorgio Cerioni ... Col. von Kleiben
Giovanna Mainardi
Serafino Profumo ... The Sergeant
Attilio Dottesio ... Dr. Steiner
Patrizia Melega ... Dr. Renke

The SS are at it again. The master race needs to do some loving. They have set up a camp. An experimental love camp if you will. The experiments that they'll conduct on the enemy women will advance lovemaking technology by decades. Or at least a few weeks. Actually I have no idea what the love experiments are supposed to accomplish. I doubt the SS did either. All they know is that it's a hoot having absolute control over female prisoners in another sleazy woman's prison movie.

"SS Experiment Love Camp" is yet another Nazi woman's prison movie made after the great "Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS". It combines all of the things that we love about Nazi woman's prison movies. Nazi's, women and prisons. What a winning combo. This time the Nazi's are abusing poor, innocent women for the glory of the Third Reich. No wait, that's the plot of all these movies.

The Nazi's are bored and want to play around with the women they've captured. They've come up with many unnecessary experiments to pass the time before the Allies squash their decadent dreams of world domination. One of their games is to remove organs from the prisoner's bodies to see if they can live through the experiment. This is supposed to help understand battlefield wounds (I think). Or maybe it's just an excuse to see some blood and guts. Either way, the women don't last very long with their insides pulled out.

The Nazi's are also interested in lovemaking in bizarre situations. They have the super stud soldiers show the women how to do it in boiling and freezing water. Sometimes they even do it on a bed! There is no limit to what dastardly extremes these mad scientists will go to.

Speaking of extremes, the scientists leave their most fiendishly hilarious experiment for the end. The commander of the camp wants to take everything they've learned about organ transplants and work their magic on him. I don't suppose the commander realizes that every single one of the kook scientist patients died on him. No matter! Bring on the testicle transplant!

Yes, that's right. A testicle transplant scene. The commander needed some balls so he took them. This leads to the best line of the movie when the unwilling soldier hunts the commander down and wonders what he's been doing with his balls. Good question. Where oh where did his gonads go? The movie ends in blood and tears and lost testicles. It all adds up to a sufficiently entertaining exploitation flick that makes you glad you still have your gonads even if you've lost part of your mind.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 tainted love experiments

"Fantom kiler 4" review

Fantom kiler 4

Director: Roman Nowicki

Dionne ... Officer Stella Green
Maria Vaslova ... Barbara Rynkowska
Pavla Nicole ... First Hooker
Conrad Bismark ... Fantom Kiler

A killer is stalking naked women. If they're not naked when he meets them, they soon will be. The Fantom Kiler is on the loose and he is performing acts of depravity on any unwilling woman he can find. A hot babe inspector is on the case. Her detective and English language skills will be pushed to the breaking point. Women are dying horribly all around her and yet she just can't change her facial expression from one of complete indifference. Who can stop the Fantom Kiler from defiling these poor women? Does anyone want him to?

Two words: Vaginal insertion. These two words perfectly capture what "Fantom Kiler 4" is all about. You could also add anal insertion, humiliation, paddling and hilarious bad English dubbing to its list of attributes. I saw the original "Fantom Kiler" and just had to know what that maniac in the big hat was up to. He's grown up from sleazy exploitation violence to scenes of hardcore nastiness.

"Fantom Kiler 4" makes the big leap into scenes of hardcore horror. Well, I guess it wasn't a big leap. More like a small step into the pit of hardcore despair. The vagina gets a lot of closeups in this movie and there is usually something be shoved into it. The first scene has a naked woman standing on the side of a road waiting for a trick to pull up. Before this scene is over, she'll have a rapists penis in one hand and a corn cob being jammed into her vagina. The movie is not subtle.

It's also not really a movie. "Fantom Kiler 4" is a collection of various deranged scenarios that have women being used and abused. There are scenes of women being used as a mop, (anal handle insertion), as a paintbrush, (paint smeared breasts were made for covering walls), and as an excuse to paddle them raw, (a full two minutes of paddling). If any of these scenarios excite you in strange and weird ways, you'll find something to enjoy in this unrepentant sleazefest.

"Fantom Kiler 4" drops all the foreplay and gets down to the hardcore horror fans of this series want to see. It is goofy and ridiculous and filled with scenes of nasty exploitation. I laughed my way through most of the movie as the hot inspector and her monotone delivery was B-movie gold.

Speaking of exploitation gold, there was one scene where a nympho police woman got her hands on the rapists severed penis and decided to use it one last time before booking it into evidence. This scene was pretty good as she used the appendage with gleeful abandon. But then the Fantom Kiler had to be a buzz kill and stopped her good times. Why did he have to ruin a perfectly good raging nympho? I guess we'll never understand the evil that lurks in the heart of the Fantom Kiler. We'll also never truly understand the appeal of these movies so it's best just to enjoy them for the nasty pieces of work that they are. The blood, the breasts, the paddling, it's all here.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 sleazy killers

"A Serbian Film" review

A Serbian Film (2010)

Director: Srdjan Spasojevic
Writers: Aleksandar Radivojevic Srdjan Spasojevic

Srdjan Todorovic ... Milos (as Srdan Todorovic)
Sergej Trifunovic ... Vukmir
Jelena Gavrilovic ... Marija
Slobodan Bestic ... Marko
Katarina Zutic ... Lejla

Milos has gotten out of the porn game. He's banged so many Serbian chicks his genitalia is in the Serbian sleaze hall of fame. But Milos doesn't have many other talents besides enthusiastic rutting so the porn world cries out for his return. His new sponsor is a big fan of Milos fornicating skills so he recruits him into making some high end porn for private collectors. What else can a horny Serbian do but say yes? The director wants the movie to be spontaneous in order to capture how Milos reacts to various warped and kinky situations. His first movie starts off in an abandoned orphanage and the kink kicks in from there. As the extent of his extreme exploitation and degradation reveals itself to Milos, he descends into Serbian porn madness.

"A Serbian Film" is designed to outrage. It is filled with scenes of sexual violence as only Serbia can deliver. Actually I'm not sure what being Serbian has to do with this movie other than it being a clever marketing gimmick. It may be trying to say that the country has gotten so depressed that it has to resort to extreme measures to make ends meet. But I seriously doubt the filmmakers care about the conditions in Serbia as far as their exploitation movie is concerned. It's more like a calling card for the director so the filmmaking world knows where to find him.

And it's a good calling card because "A Serbian Film" is an excellent exploitation movie. I was pleasantly surprised by the filmmaking quality of this nasty flick. Milos should know better than to agree to some weirdos porn fetish demands but the director knows what his customers want to see. So do the filmmakers as "A Serbian Film" shows how easily horror movies can have mass appeal across different countries.

Well, actually "A Serbian Film" will only appeal to horror fans and even then it would only be of interest to those who enjoy the more extreme type of horror. Milos starts down the path of destruction with some light S&M but eventually moves on to more bizarre forms of porn. Incest, snuff, rape and every other underground genre of porn is shown as Milos mind warps beyond repair.

"A Serbian Film" is a wild ride into the depths of porno hell. I had a lot of fun watching Milos bang his way to oblivion. While this movie won't appeal to everyone, it's definitely worth a look for horror fans looking for a new nasty thrill.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 Serbian sleazes

"The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence)" review

The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence) (2011)

Director: Tom Six
Writer: Tom Six

Laurence R. Harvey ... Martin
Ashlynn Yennie ... Miss Yennie
Maddi Black ... Candy
Kandace Caine... Karrie
Dominic Borrelli ... Paul

So I bought an Iphone4s this weekend. I didn't want to give up the Blackberry but I decided to take the plunge. Good Lord this device now controls me. I downloaded "Angry Birds" and "Plants vs Zombies" and spent most of the day enjoying the best four dollars I ever spent. It also has a woman's voice, (Siri), that tries to answer your questions. So you tell the phone, (Siri), "Find prostitutes", and it will show you an escort near you. Or ask "Find marijuana" and it will show you the closest cannabis clinic, (if you live in California). You can also ask it for the whereabouts of God and the meaning of life. Not to say that the Iphone knows everything but at least it's trying harder than your average phone. If your phone is not talking back to you, you're living in the Dark Ages.

Speaking of ignorant violence and decadence, I saw "The Human Centipede 2" the other day. I saw it back to back with "A Serbian Film". A sleaze movie double header to jump start my brain and punish my soul for its sins. Sloth is one of the seven deadly ones and I am guilty. But I hope to make amends by subjecting myself to some harsh cinema.

Martin is an obsessed horror fan. His particular obsession revolves around the first "Human Centipede" movie. He wishes to carry on the mad doctor's experiment in the real world. An experiment that will fully harness the power of the centipede by connecting many poor souls together to form a love train. But instead of holding hands, these people will be joined by giving each other a permanent rim job. So Martin rents a warehouse and proceeds to drag in various people in a quest to stitch them together. Everybody needs a hobby.

"Human Centipede 2" perfectly demonstrates the phrase "You get what you pay for". I paid to see a Human Centipede and I got a Human Centipede. I really can't fault the movie for delivering what it promised. But why? Why do I want to see people get their mouths sewn to someone's hole? What perverse beast lies in us that enjoys this wanton violence? Best not to think too much on this subject and just enjoy the waves of nauseating violence.

And be assured, nauseating it is. Although the true horror in "Human Centipede 2" was watching mammoth Martin trudge around in his underwear. That repulsed me more than the walking centipede of human toilets. Not much more but it was pretty scary.

The first "Human Centipede" was a pretty creepy movie that had fun with its perverse subject. "Human Centipede 2" is a punch to the gut splatter flick that cuts to the chase and gives you the gore you're looking for. So if you feel like the three-part centipede from the first movie just wasn't long enough for you, "Human Centipede 2" increases the body count to give you all of the bloody surgery and fecal splatter you could desire.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 human centipedes

Ode to a blog

Hello again my blog. I've neglected you and I have no excuse for it. Actually I do but I won't bore you with the details. Suffice to say, there was turmoil and drama, tears and regrets. And then there was Thanksgiving. I've been off doing other things but I'm back now to show you the proper respect you deserve.

It wasn't until I noticed a little movie called "The Human Centipede 2" had come out that I realized how long I've been away from you. This was a film that deserves a response. I'm going to watch it tonight along with "A Serbian Film". A double feature to shock my dormant brain back from it's drunken stupor. Maybe end with a Julie Smith skin flick to ease over the rough edges.

Yes my blog, there will be blood tonight. And I'll tell you all about it. Until then, cheers.

SCORE: 4 out of 4 lost weekends

"Lust at First Bite" review

Lust at First Bite (2010)

AKA Twilight Vamps

Director: Fred Olen Ray
Writer: Fred Olen Ray

Brandin Rackley ... Tabitha
Frankie Cullen ... Jack
Christine Nguyen ... Angela
Dena Kollar ... Amanda (as Ashley West)
Beverly Lynne ... Louise
Michelle Maylene ... Tammy
Jenaveve Jolie ... Kyra
Valerie K. Garcia ... Goth Dancer

The usual Fred Olen Ray suspects headline another softcore movie. This time it's completely different as the same cast members have sex with each other. How many times can one man watch Frankie Cullen and Brandin Rackley get it on? Or Frankie Cullen and Christine Nguyen? Or Frankie Cullen and any of the half dozen women Ray throws in these flicks? This time he has Cullen head over to a vampire strip club to see what trouble he can get into. He needs to blow off some steam after girlfriend Beverly Lynne continually dismisses him for lesbian sex. It doesn't take long before Cullen has banged his way through half of the cast. Yeah, it's another thrilling late night adventure that will rock your socks off and put you to sleep from the monotonous sight of watching porn fidelity in action.

It's hard to dislike a movie with this many beautiful women getting naked every five minutes. I don't have anything against Brandin Rackley, Christine Nguyen or Beverly Lynne. These women have brought me much joy watching their late night escapades. I also don't have anything against Frankie Cullen. It's not his fault that he has to tackle the same women into bed. No, I'm afraid the fault lies with the cost cutting measures of director Ray and his uncontrollable lust to get his hands on as much Cinemax money as possible.

Something has gone wrong in the house that Ray built. Something is amiss. He has misplaced his libido. "Lust at First Bite" is dull from beginning to end. None of the sex scenes are hot, arousing or even amusing. It's the same people rolling around in the same positions while dry humping to the same music. Snore! Can we please get some variety here? These movies are becoming embarrassing. Ray can usually be counted on for one or two decent sex scenes but "Lust at First Bite" is nothing to lust over. It can be skipped.

One last thought, the only good thing about "Lust at First Bite" is it reminds me how much I miss Beverly Lynne. Beverly has two lesbian sex scenes which are decent. They're not too thrilling but I liked seeing her in action again. I still haven't seen a hotter Beverly Lynne flick than "Bikini a Go Go". In that one, she goes from being frigid to a raging nympho. Beverly needs to let loose her inner raging nympho again. I so miss the nympho. We all do.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 lust at Lynne sight

"Sexual Witchcraft" review

Sexual Witchcraft (2011)
AKA Little Witches

Director: Fred Olen Ray
Writer: Fred Olen Ray

Michelle Bauer ... Mrs. Turnbull
Vanessa Brink ... Cleopatra
Michelle Maylene ... Elaine
Christine Nguyen ... Sheri
Holly Sampson ... Carrie
Randy Spears ... Jack

Jessie Lunderby ... Sexy Cop

Witches have moved into the neighborhood and Michelle Bauer is not happy about it. Christine Nguyen and her husband have irked the neighbors with their sexual sorcery. Holly Sampson has come down from sexual witch heaven to help Christine navigate the modern world. She imports Cleopatra for reasons that are too ridiculous to mention. It all ends with a lot of mediocre sex and a great ad campaign for Christine's husband. But I'm with Bauer. Her neighbors are bringing down property value in the softcore neighborhood.

"Sexual Witchcraft" is another misfire from Fred Olen Ray. Here we see the importance of casting and making sure that the performers have some sort of chemistry with each other. "Sexual Witchcraft" demonstrates clearly that Ray has been watching too much television. The movie is filled with stunt casting that serves nothing except bringing the movie down. I knew about Holly Sampson and her Tiger Woods liason but I had to dig a little deeper to figure out why the other women, (except Christine Nguyen), were in this movie.

Jessie Lunderby plays a busty cop who bumbles around Christine's house for no reason other than this movie needed a busty cop. Actually there is a reason she's wearing a cop uniform. Lunderby used to be a cop until she got let go after posing for Playboy. So Ray the carny had to jump on this exploitation opportunity as fast as possible. But Ray forgot about the part where she showcases her carnal skills and instead relies more on her acting skills. Newsflash: She has no acting skills. Get back to the sex. But her sex scenes are a bust as Ray starts a lesbian scene with her and Holly Sampson only to abruptly end it. So why did she need to be in this movie? Only a bored Ray knows for sure.

Ray also casts Vanessa Brink as Cleopatra. Brink appeared on an episode of "Intervention, (great show), supporting her husband. She is also known as pornstar Cassandra Cruz so it's hard to figure out where Ray spotted her first. Brink is in the only decent sex scene when she runs into a horny Holly Sampson. But the rest of the sex scenes in "Sexual Witchcraft" are worthless. It's all about lazily going through the motions as Ray amuses himself with his eccentric cast. "Sexual Witchcraft" can be skipped.

One last thought, why is Michelle Bauer being neglected? She is the mother of all MILF's. I was sure there was going to be a scene where Christine puts a spell on Bauer to break her out of her spinster shell. This movie needed Michelle's magic. She's the real sex sorceress. She's still got the body and I know she can still cast a spell on late night audiences. We need a reunion of the Nightmare Sisters to make amends for these lame movies. Quigley, Stevens and Bauer can lift the curse Ray and his ludicrous casting choices have wrought on late night cable.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 busty cops

"Rubber" review

Rubber (2010)

Director: Quentin Dupieux
Writer: Quentin Dupieux

Stephen Spinella ... Lieutenant Chad
Jack Plotnick ... Accountant
Wings Hauser ... Man in wheelchair
Roxane Mesquida ... Sheila
Ethan Cohn ... Film buff Ethan
Charley Koontz ... Film buff Charley

"Rubber" is the story of a tire. An angry tire. When the rubber meets the road, it turns into a massacre. Tire rolls into town and wants to squash some heads. This tire has gotten so furious it has attained telekinetic powers. As it shakes like it's having a conniption fit, the object of the tire's hatred explodes in an orgy of gore. There's an audience on a hillside watching all of this tire carnage unfold. The tire hates them too. There's no reason why this tire is doing all of these hideously destructive acts. No reason at all.

Well, actually there is a reason that this tire is on a rampage. It's so that we can talk about the director and his kooky movie. I mean, haven't you ever seen a movie where disgruntled auto parts attack? Maybe this maniacal tire was the spare tire from "Christine" and got upset about being left in the trunk. We've seen cars attack before but never a tire. A lone tire out to destroy humanity. It's just kooky enough to work.

"Rubber" is a movie that exists for no reason. It's here to show us that movies don't need a reason to spring to life. All you need is to film something vaguely interesting, (in this case a killer tire), and someone to watch it and you have a movie. "Rubber" has a passive audience that sits on the sidelines watching the tire roll over dead bodies. The filmmakers want to slap the audience from their slumber so they drag them into the movie. They achieve filmmaker nirvana by destroying their audience. Truly, it's what all filmmakers dream of. Killing your audience, (critics), and laughing about it are what director's dreams are made of. But then who would watch their nonsensical films of homicidal tires?

"Rubber" is a wacky movie about killer tires that succeeds for no reason. I have always been a big believer in movie logic, (or lack thereof). If this tire wants to blow people's heads off, I say go for it. I don't need to know how or why it gained this incredible power. I only want to see it use it in regular intervals. So roll on you crazy tire. You don't need a reason to pop human brains out of their skulls. Just make sure when you do it, I can watch.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 hot babes with killer tires for no reason

"Sweet Karma" review

Sweet Karma (2009)

Director: Andrew Thomas Hunt
Writers: James Fler Andrew Thomas Hunt

Shera Bechard ... Karma Balint
John Tokatlidis ... William
Frank J. Zupancic ... Stefan
Christian Bako ... Tomas
Laura McLean ... Mavra
Patricia Stasiak ... Anna Balint
Lana Koseniv ... Galina
Tanya Rusnak ... Franciska
Sasha Kovacs ... Redhead
Anna Beben ... Blondie

Sweet, sweet Karma is going on a rampage. Her sister has been sold into sexual bondage in Toronto and Karma wants revenge. The Russian gangsters who imported her sister over told her she'd be cleaning houses but she ends up polishing knobs. When Karma is told that her sister has been killed, she decides to extract justice as only a hot mute girl in an exploitation movie can. She hangs out in a strip club dressed in white lingerie looking for the right moment to strike. Many Russian gangsters will pay dearly for their lecherous ways.

Ahh, sweet Karma. Sweet, unforgiving Karma. I needed this movie. I needed Karma to blast her way through the underworld and she did not disappoint me. Shera Bechard is Karma and she is an exploitation movie treasure. The filmmakers have struck gold with Shera. In one scene, Shera hangs out in a strip club looking for an opportunity to kill the sleaziest pimp. She rushes the stage and gives an impromptu strip tease which naturally lures the pimp to his doom. This scene was amazing as was their fight in the bathroom. I will now have to think twice if a stripper offers me a chance to snort cocaine off of her breasts. "Sweet Karma" shows you the potential bloody downside to this sordid possibility.

"Sweet Karma" also makes me realize I haven't been to a strip club in awhile. Although maybe that's a good thing considering the people who are running it. One scene has the gangsters cursing over the lack of lap dances their stable has pounded their way through. This made me glad I wasn't a figure in organized crime's lap dance quota. But then another scene had Karma getting a lap dance from a large breasted blonde and I was feeling nostalgic for the club again. They even drop Stormy Daniels name as a feature dancer and it made me flash back even more to the strip club bump and grind. Oh Sweet Karma, why did you have to show the fun side of sin?

But Karma will not stand for gangsters exploiting women so she burns her way through the whole crew. There are scenes of rape, (which ends badly for the rapist), a catfight with a knife, (cat knife fight?), and various scenes of Karma vengeance. "Sweet Karma" had all the elements I like to see in fine cinema. Guns, girls, strip clubs and hot mute supermodels on a killing spree. I had a good time watching Shera dish out some bad karma. "Sweet Karma" is worth a look.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 sweet Sheras

"Mega Python vs. Gatoroid" review

Mega Python vs. Gatoroid (2011)

Director: Mary Lambert
Writer: Naomi L. Selfman

Deborah Gibson ... Dr. Nikki Riley
Tiffany ... Terry O'Hara
A Martinez ... Dr. Diego Ortiz
Kathryn Joosten ... Angie
Kevin M. Horton ... RJ Cupelli
Carey Van Dyke ... Justin

Giant gators and pythons are attacking and only 80's pop stars can save the day. Debbie Gibson and Tiffany are ready to go to war in the Everglades to answer the trivia question of which 80's pop singers appeared in a movie with Gatoroids? Debbie, (or is it Deborah?), Gibson is a kooky environmentalist who releases pythons into the wild. The local ecosystem cannot handle the pressure so Sheriff Tiffany pumps up the gators with steroids. Hence, they become Gatoroids. Pythons eat steroid-saturated Gatoroids and become Mega Pythons. Gibson and Tiffany will have to combine their powers if there is any hope of saving humanity from these ridiculous CGI creatures.


"Mega Python vs. Gatoroid" finally lets me ask the question I've been wanting to ask for years. At last, a chance to ponder one of life's great mysteries. No, I'm not wondering about who would win in a battle of Mega Pythons vs Gatoroids. No one cares about that. I am curious about the only aspect of this movie that is worth thinking about. The one aspect of this movie that the filmmakers exploited brilliantly. That is, who would you rather have sex with, Tiffany or Debbie Gibson?


Now this is a tough question. One shouldn't rush to judgment here. On the one hand, Debbie has the innocent persona, (don't know if it's true but for ridiculous arguments sake let's say it is), the blonde svelte look and overall hotness. Tiffany, on the other hand, has grown up to be a voluptuous vixen. What I mean is, she has amazing breasts. She was the best special effect in "Mega Python vs Gatoroid". The filmmakers kept her cleavage displayed in almost every scene she was in and I was astounded each time.


Before watching this movie, I was sure the answer to my carnal question was going to be Debbie Gibson. But I'm going to have to go with Tiffany. (It's OK Debbie. Dry your eyes.) Tiffany is my kind of woman. I was staring at her bountiful harvest throughout most of the movie. She made every scene she was in better by embracing the B-movie standard of breasts excellence. Gibson is a little too thin for my tastes. Frankly, she needs to eat a cheeseburger or two. Gibson needs to take a break from Pilates and head to In-N-Out. She'll need the carbs if she's going to battle Gatoroids.


As for the movie, it was a typical cheesy monster movie. If Tiffany and Gibson weren't in it, it would not be worth talking about. The only redeeming part of this movie is the battle royale between Tiffany and Gibson near the end. Gibson and Tiffany have a food fight/wrestling match during a party in which whipped cream and other substances are rubbed over each other. This was a fine B-movie moment. The filmmakers also deserve some points for dropping references to Gibsons and Tiffany's songs. It makes me want to sing a Debbie Gibson song now. Would I get a chance to forgo my carnal question and just have a three-way with the 80's ladies? As Debbie would say, Only in my dreams...


SCORE: 2 out of 4 80's ladies

"Skyline" review

Skyline (2010)

Directors: Colin Strause Greg Strause

Writers: Joshua Cordes, Liam O'Donnell

Eric Balfour ... Jarrod

Scottie Thompson ... Elaine

Brittany Daniel ... Candice
Crystal Reed ... Denise

Neil Hopkins ... Ray

David Zayas ... Oliver

Donald Faison ... Terry

A group of friends are hanging out in a nice condo in Marina Del Rey when aliens attack. Their hangover gets interrupted as blue strobe lights flash through the windows of a beautiful, two bedroom condo with central heating. The friends hunker down and try to discuss survival tactics in an architectural masterpiece that soars into the Marina Del Rey skyline. They run around the valet parking area, the spacious pool and sauna and even the rooftop helicopter pad but there is no escape amongst the vast assortment of luxury amenities.

"Skyline" is the most amazing condo porn I have ever seen. This movie makes me want to move. I'm living in a hovel compared to this alien infested building. I knew I had seen this building before but I wasn't sure where. It was the helicopter pads that reminded me of those condos on Lincoln Blvd in the Marina. Sure enough, as I went to grab some Chipotle I remembered this towering condo structure. Upon further research, I learned that the director lived at this building and shot the entire movie at his place.

"Skyline" is B-movie making at it's finest. The director just had to roll out of bed to film the alien invasion. He didn't even need to put on any pants but I hope that he did. "Skyline" never leaves this condo building as the aliens come to it. Eric Balfour and his buddies run back and forth as various brain sucking invaders crash the director's pad. Every part of this condo building is used for filming. There's an extended scene in the parking garage, a chase scene by the pool and the rooftop helicopter pad is exploited for all its worth. A one bedroom here will run you about $3K/month but with so many amenities to run to during an intergalactic invasion, it's so worth it.

But is "Skyline" any good? Sure, if you like B-movies about aliens sucking peoples brains in a luxury condo. "Skyline" was made for DVD but somehow ended up in theaters. I suspect normal moviegoers were aghast that this cheap exercise in alien Armageddon infested the theaters. As for me, I dug it. Oh sure, Eric Balfour has a face you want to slap and every character was annoying but that condo made me want to sign the lease right after the movie. It could have used a little more blood and guts to punch things up but the filmmakers needed to save some money for their rent.

"Skyline" makes it clear that the only place to be during an alien invasion is in this condo building. I want the director to know that if aliens invade L.A., I'm coming over. Don't worry, I'm a gracious guest and will bring my own pillow and some beer. I just want to experience this condo building before I die. A few laps in the pool, then a quick trip to the sauna and then the aliens can eat my brains. I'll die a happy brainless man.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 glorious Marina skylines

The Marina.

The pool.

The helicopter pad. This movie has everything!

"Porno Holocaust" review

Porno Holocaust (1981)

Director: Joe D'Amato
Writer: George Eastman

George Eastman ... Dr. Lemoir
Dirce Funari ... Simone
Annj Goren ... Contessa

"Porno Holocaust". No self respecting exploitation fan could resist a movie with a title like that. I am no exception. I knew that it was in Italian with no subtitles but I didn't care. I had to see it. I beg forgiveness for my movie sins.

The most important thing to know about this flick is that it is a porno movie. It's not a particularly good porno movie either. A bunch of people head to an island, have sex and discover a monster. There are scenes of "horror" mixed with the hardcore. They consist of people getting bashed over the head with blood coming out of their skulls. There is also a scene where a girl is raped by the monster. The monster is a black man with some makeup on his face to make him look "radioactive". Scary stuff.

Director D'Amato likes his interracial porn. Here he spices things up by making the black man a monster that likes to rape the visiting white women. They die after the rape because the monster is radioactive. It sounds pretty sordid but when you see it you can't help but yawn.

D'Amato is such an incompetent dolt he can't even film a porn scene right. He has one couple have sex three different times. YAWN! Variety man! The actors shouldn't be monogamous with each other! Not only that, he has them roll into the same sex positions. Every porn scene has music blasting over the top of it. Hello?! I can't hear their supposed screams of ecstasy with this flute blasting in my ear. He also managed to make a scene with two women having sex seem tedious.

So as a porno movie, it's a bust. As a horror movie, it stinks. But as a warped sleaze experience, "Porno Holocaust" should probably be seen once. It's not good but it's unique in it's own grimy way.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 radioactive freaks

"Mega Piranha" review

Mega Piranha (2010)

Director: Eric Forsberg
Writer: Eric Forsberg

Paul Logan ... Jason Fitch
Tiffany ... Sarah Monroe
Barry Williams ... Bob Grady
David Labiosa ... Colonel Antonio Diaz
Jude Gerard Prest ... Dr. Brian Higgins
Jesse Daly ... Dr. Eli Gordon
Cooper Harris ... Lt. Julia
William Morse ... Lt. Stritch

Mega Piranha are on the loose and only an 80's pop star can save the world. Tiffany is the resident super genius, (or is that mega genius?), who knows everything there is to know about Mega Piranha. A hunky special forces soldier has come to the Amazon to figure out why the American Ambassador was torn into a million pieces. Tiffany holds all the answers as they try to get away, into the night, and then he puts his arms around her and they tumble to the ground and then he says, "I think we're alone now." But they're not! Mega Piranha keep eating everything in sight and keep growing and growing until they've reached the size of Super Pac-man. Trying to figure out how to defeat a mega Piranha is like trying to solve a Rubik's Cube. Somebody call the A-Team! Stop me before I run out of 80's references!

It's going to be very hard to describe "Mega Piranha" without using the word cheesy. Cheesy is the word the captures the acting, special effects, mood, story and everything else associated with this movie. "Mega Piranha" is shot as a hyperactive action movie with ridiculous piranha inhaling every object, (living or otherwise), that gets in their way. I suppose the filmmakers deserve a little credit for trying to take this subject matter seriously. But whether they take it seriously or not, "Mega Piranha" is still a cheesy B-movie that was made to be forgotten.

There are two scenes in "Mega Piranha" that are worth mentioning so that you don't have to actually watch this movie. They both involve piranha flying out of the water. The first one has the soldier swimming out of a river full of piranha. As he sits on the beach, a mega piranha jumps out of the water and howls at him as he leaps for his throat. This ends in a mano-a-teeth battle to the death. The second scene has the same soldier on a different beach. This time the piranha show that they have learned their lesson from the first battle and attack in waves. Fortunately the soldier is trained for just such a situation and uses his feet to kick them back in the water. These two scenes highlight the total entertainment value of this movie.

The rest of "Mega Piranha" is a headache-inducing, cheeseball action movie. Unless you're dying for piranha mega cheese, this one can be skipped. The only thing else worth mentioning is the presence of Tiffany. There's something important about Tiffany that needs to be said: Tiffany has an amazing rack. Yes, it's true. It's also true that "Mega Piranha" did not exploit this 80's pop star as much as it should have. I don't believe she ever said "I think we're alone now". I was waiting for it but I'm pretty sure she never said any lines from her hot cover song. What a shame. The beating of her heart was the only sound...

SCORE: 2 out of 4 mega Tiffany's

Tiffany in all her glory:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=826PTEuHKhE

"Lady Chatterly's Ghost" review

Lady Chatterly's Ghost

Director: Fred Olen Ray

Writer: Fred Olen Ray

Vanessa Brink ... Sophia
Jessie Lunderby ... Connie
Nick Manning ... Keith
Holly Sampson ... Sandra
Randy Spears ... Charles

Holly Sampson is in love with ghosts. She's reading Lady Chatterley's Lover and she's horny for the classics. Her husband introduces her to a blonde woman who may be the possessed spirit of Lady Chatterly. Or is she an earthly manifestation of the book? Ahh, who cares? All I know is that there was a lot of mediocre bumping and grinding going on in this late night skin flick. Lady Chatterly would be ashamed.

"Lady Chatterly's Ghost" is a dud. The ghost is rolling over in her grave at having to endure this softcore misfire. There is not one good sex scene in this movie. Holly Sampson shows up as the main character and I was hoping she was going to show us some of her Tiger Woods magic. Was she a mistress of Woods or just a one-time fling of his? Ahh, who cares? All I know is that she was bragging about bagging Woods and I wanted to see her carnal skills in action. I must say I was disappointed. Although I don't blame Woods for wanting Holly for himself. She is quite lovely even if this movie doesn't let her show off her erotic expertise.

Every sex scene in "Lady Chatterly's Ghost" is shooting blanks. There was only one scene that held any promise. Jessie Lunderby, (The Ghost), is having sex with another woman on a couch. Lunderby, (who gives an incredible monotone performance), doesn't have a clue what she's doing. As Lunderby lies on her back, the woman goes in to lick her breasts. So far so good. But Lunderby cannot keep her hands to herself and keeps touching the woman's hair over and over again. She is clearly breaking lesbian porn rule 101: Never let the performers hair get in the way of the shot. The woman keeps moving Lunderby's hand away but Lunderby cannot stop touching her freaking hair. At the end of the scene, the woman is making love to Lunderby's rear end just so she can keep some distance from Lunderby's hands. It's no use as Lunderby reaches back to touch her head again. I don't know what Lunderby's obsession is with hair but it was obviously disconcerting to her partner and to me as well.

There isn't anything interesting, stimulating or erotic about "Lady Chatterly's Ghost". This ghost needs to find eternal rest and stop haunting late night cable. Although I hope that Holly Sampson shows up in some more of these movies. I have a feeling she can show us how potent her sex magic can be. If it's good enough for Tiger Woods, it's good enough for me.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 Holly's Woods

"The Devil and Shelley Lubben" review

The Devil and Shelley Lubben

Director: Michael Whiteacre

Shelley Lubben hates porn. She hates the people involved in it and everything they stand for. But most of all, she wants you to know how much she hates it. She is crusading against the sins of pornography. A one time adult movie performer, Lubben is lashing out against the industry that has caused her numerous health and emotional problems. Of course she was a downtown L.A. prostitute for many years as well. Could that have had something to do with her physical and mental well being/breakdown? Hmmm...

"The Devil and Shelley Lubben" is a documentary about the sins, lies and deceitfulness of Shelley Lubben. Well, at least as perceived by director Michael Whiteacre and numerous adult industry players. Whiteacre is the director of the superior softcore film "Call Girl Wives" who is wearing his activist hat to expose the hypocrisies of Shelley Lubben. She has gotten under people's collective skin and the two episodes on the internet, (with more to follow), make the case that Shelley is not the victim she makes herself out to be.

There is one aspect of "The Devil and Shelley Lubben" I found quite annoying. I can't stand listening to Shelley Lubben. She has got quite a grating speaking voice. It makes me wonder how people can stand listening to her. But perhaps it's more the message than her delivery that's helping to spread the gospel of Lubben. She is telling her audience exactly what they want to hear. There is a modern day Sodom and Gomorrah raging out of control in the valley today and it must be stopped. She was lucky to get out alive.

But for what purpose is Lubben doing this? Is she working some angle to get money? Is she starved for attention? Is she just plain crazy? Or is she a true believer in what's she's ranting about? So far, the documentary doesn't have that answer although a conclusion might be reached in other episodes. The performers interviewed, (Kayden Kross, Nina Hartley), refute most of Lubben's accusations about the porn industry. There aren't rapists stalking the set at every turn. As for women not enjoying having sex on film, Nina Hartley goes on to assure us that she has assisted in "hundreds of real female orgasms" in her 26 years in the business. Thank God for Nina Hartley. If only more porn stars were like her the world would be a better place.

"The Devil and Shelley Lubben" is an interesting documentary on an irritant to the porn business. This is not to say the porn business is above criticism mind you. You should certainly know what you're getting into when you walk onto an adult movie set. You would think after about thirty years of porn in the valley they would have figured out safety guidelines for making their product.

But the level of scorn Lubben attacks the industry with makes it seem like she craves the limelight of being a victim. Shelley Lubben is not a reliable spokesperson for railing against pornography. There's a lot of sex going on in Canoga Park and Chatsworth and she is here to save us from it. But no one should stop Nina Hartley from giving orgasms. That's just crazy.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 Lubbens

Check it out at

http://www.thedevilandshelleylubben.com/

Keep giving orgasms Nina.
Michael Whiteacre.

Kayden Kross looking good.

"Zombie Women of Satan" review

Zombie Women of Satan (2009)

Directors: Steve O'Brien, Warren Speed

Writers: Seymour Leon Mace Steve O'Brien

Warren Speed ... Pervo the Clown

Victoria Hopkins ... Skye Brannigan

Victoria Broom ... Rachel Brannigan / Cult Girl M

Marysia Kay ... Red Zander

Peter Bonner ... Zeus

Kate Soulsby ... Harmony Starr

Bill Fellows ... Henry Zander

A group of freaks head out to the countryside to give an interview. They are a traveling band of performers that have piqued the interest of a local cult. Once the group hits the sticks the zombie women come out of the woodwork. It seems that the resident mad scientist is attempting to turn women into drooling, snarling beasts. He made his daughter feed them champagne glasses of poison and now the women are raving lunatics intent on devouring people. The band must, um, band together if they hope to survive the zombie onslaught. Bats, guns, knives and chainsaws are used quite frequently upside many topless zombie women heads.

“Zombie Women of Satan” had all the indications of being a terrible movie. It has the kind of title that only a B-movie fan would love and would therefore be suckered into watching it. Filmmakers often pick over the top titles to compensate for the lack of quality in the movie. I was prepared to be dragged through the fires of B-movie hell again just so I could watch some zombie women go wild.

I’m pleasantly surprised to tell you that “Zombie Women of Satan” is not that bad. I was expecting the worst so perhaps that softened the blow. It is a strangely entertaining movie that fluctuates between moments of gore and lame comedy. Thankfully, the comedic moments segue into a gory scene with recurring frequency. Heads are crushed, throats are ripped out and zombie breasts shoot acid so the movie has some charming traits.

Now I’m not saying “Zombie Women of Satan” is good mind you. But I found myself reasonably entertained by a movie I was sure was going to destroy my soul with its awfulness. Pervo the clown and his merry band of circus geeks gawk at the zombie women before smashing their heads in. Most of the zombie, (actually poisoned), women like to run through the woods without any bras on. And this makes perfect sense as the undead have no need for modesty. Pervo takes advantage of his killing spree and soaks in all of the topless zombie wonders.

Come to think of it, not only were these women not zombies, they weren’t connected to Satan at all. So the title is quite meaningless unless the meaning was to get horror fans to rent the movie. If you are thinking of renting it, know that there are plenty of topless women and even more cheap gore to keep you content. You’ll have to suffer through some lame humor, (including a midget taking the longest bathroom break in history), but “Zombie Women of Satan” keeps moving and provides all of the B-movie mayhem it could afford.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 zombie women

"Busty Coeds vs. Lusty Cheerleaders" review

Busty Coeds vs. Lusty Cheerleaders

Director: Jim Wynorski

Writer: Steve Goldenberg

Angie Savage ... Angie

Jaime Hunter ... Miss Meyers

Frankie Cullen ... Chet

Heather Vandeven ... Janet

Tiffany Case

T.J. Commings ... Bull

Melissa Lewis

Kylee Nash

Charlie Laine

A bunch of busty women show up at Wynorski's backwoods timeshare for another late night adventure. This time Wynorski has become so bored with thinking up plots for his Cinemax pay days he has the women direct themselves in as many sex scenes as possible without disturbing his nap. Kylee Nash is the most busty, (bustiest?) cheerleader so she should clearly win whatever event she's competing in. Cheerleaders and Coed's run amok all over each other as sex scene after sex scene batters you into submission. The girls plot and scheme and rub chocolate sauce on themselves but nothing can arouse Wynorski from his slumber.

"Busty Coed's vs Lusty Cheerleaders" is another, (yes another!) Wynorski skin flick adventure. It is truly a cut to the chase late night offering. There's a loose plot about a hottie competition and the hottie's who compete in it. The cheerleaders are scheming against the coed's who are scheming against each other, etc. Judges get corrupted and coeds and cheerleaders get it on with great abandon. There's not a lot of filler here as Wynorski has the decency to keep the sex scenes flowing.

The best part of "Busty Coed's vs Lusty Cheerleaders" is Kylee Nash. She is truly a busty work of art. She has three sex scenes and they are all good. The first one has her by the pool with a judge as she does her best to seduce her. Good news, the seduction works wonders. There's a lot of quality nipple licking in this scene. The next sex scene has her banging some muscle bound guy who always manages to show up in all of these late night flicks. This time he gets to bang Nash and he makes the most of it. The last sex scene has her cavorting with a blonde women with a massive back tattoo in a pool. This is also a good scene as they both like to kiss and I like to watch. Yes I do.

Another hottie who makes it into this flick is Charlie Laine. She had a great lesbian scene in "Voodoo Dollz" and I was interested to see what she would do with the busty coeds. In a shocking turn of events, Charlie Laine, (who I thought was only doing lesbian scenes), has two sex scenes with men! Are you as shocked as I am? Charlie gets it on with two muscular guys and I was amazed. Actually, more amazed that Wynorski talked her into this than the scenes themselves. I was also amazed at the size of Laine's breasts. I believe they have been augmented since the last time I saw them. It must be a new day for Charlie. A new year, new breasts, new men to dry hump in softcore flicks. Good times ahead!

"Busty Coed's vs Lusty Cheerleaders" is not Wynorski's finest hour but he does manage to deliver the late night goods. At least with his softcore output he knows what he has to deliver. As long as the women with large breasts keep kissing each other, viewers will be satisfied. As for this viewer, I found the parts with Kylee Nash to be quite enjoyable. The rest was fair. Although I think Nash was robbed. She was clearly the bustiest and lustiest of them all. I'm not sure if bustiest and lustiest are actual words but they are now. If we keep using them to describe Nash, Webster will have no choice but to include them one day.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 bustiest and lustiest Nashs

"Sucker Punch" review

Sucker Punch (2011)

Director: Zack Snyder

Writers: Zack Snyder Steve Shibuya

Emily Browning ... Baby Doll

Abbie Cornish ... Sweet Pea

Jena Malone ... Rocket

Vanessa Hudgens ... Blondie

Jamie Chung ... Amber

Carla Gugino ... Dr. Vera Gorski

Oscar Isaac ... Blue Jones

Jon Hamm ... High Roller / Doctor

Scott Glenn ... Wise Man

Baby Doll gets sent to the insane asylum. Her evil stepfather wants to lobotomize her so she doesn't cause any more hassles. Baby Doll can't take the overbearing reality of her life so she escapes into a fantasy world. She envisions the mental hospital as a brothel and her jailers as her employers. In an effort to break free from the prison, she gives herself tasks to complete so she can reach the next level of freedom. It is only through the power of her seductive dancing that she can distract the evil men in her life into giving her what she needs. But in order to dance with the power of a demon stripper, she must escape into yet another level of fantasy. She dreams of worlds where samurai monsters, Nazi's made of steam and angry dragons attack her and her loyal hot babe inmates. Baby Doll can only live in her dream world and we're right there living with her in Snyders, I mean, Baby Doll's vivid imagination.

I was unprepared. I thought "Sucker Punch" was going to be a wild ride in some fantasy world where women with machine guns attack various malevolent creatures. I had no idea what the movie was about but I figured any movie with hot women with guns can't be all bad. It helped knowing that the director is a fan of genre movies. Surely, he would not steer this ship wrong. While Snyder doesn't exactly steer his vessel into a giant iceberg, this ship is still way off course. Where was his genre loving compass pointing him on this one? Ego is a terrible thing. It has led him astray.

"Sucker Punch" is not a complete disaster but it is surely a disappointment. This movie is a pointless exercise. It screams for more of those lovely exploitative elements we all cherish. It was only after the movie was over I realized "Sucker Punch" was rated PG-13. There is no nudity in this women's prison movie. For shame. You have a handful of hot women fighting for their freedom and not one gratuitous shower scene to wash off some blood? I thought Snyder was a fan of these movies. Where is the love man?

Speaking of disappointments, why didn't we ever get to see Baby Doll dance? I was ready to see Baby Doll arch her back and shake her hips so I could fall under her spell too. Instead she retreats into her video game world of dragons and monsters. Is this what women dream about when they try to seduce men? Who knew they fantasized about such things?

But the ultimate disappointment is when you realize that these fantasy sequences, while being the most appealing scenes in the film, are meaningless. They are action scenes playing out in Baby Doll's head. They have no bearing on the plot nor do they cause any sense of suspense as we know Baby doll can dance her way out of any fire breathing dragon situation. Once Baby Doll finishes dancing, the movie goes back to the drab world of the asylum/bordello and we wait patiently for Baby Doll to put her dancing shoes back on.

"Sucker Punch" has some interesting fight scenes but overall it's disappointing. But I wonder if "Sucker Punch" will be one of those movies that we'll look back on later in life and kick ourselves for not realizing the genius that was evident in it? Ehh, probably not. "Sucker Punch" is a collection of fantasy scenes that Snyder wanted to ram down our throats. He didn't want to wait to film all of them separately so he came up with this Alice in Prisonland mishmash of a movie. While I find it hard to argue against a movie with samurai monsters, you can probably let "Sucker Punch" and its dreaming dancing girl go.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 baby doll squads

"The Tomb" review

The Tomb (1986)

Director: Fred Olen Ray

Writers: Kenneth J. Hall T.L. Lankford

Cameron Mitchell ... Dr. Howard Phillips

John Carradine ... Mr. Andoheb

Sybil Danning ... Jade

Susan Stokey ... Helen

Richard Hench ... David Manners

Michelle Bauer ... Nefratis

I rented this one from my terrible local video store. If you want older B-movies, you've got to dig deep. Why even bother to dig for some of these movies is a mystery. Case in point: "The Tomb". A fake Indiana Jones goes looking for treasure. He runs into Sybil Danning for five seconds and then ends up in Cairo. There he stumbles upon a mummy's tomb which has Michelle Bauer pouting her way through eternity. She follows the faux Dr. Jones to L.A. where many uninteresting things happen.

The first thing to know about "The Tomb" is that Sybil Danning is barely in the movie. I suppose like most B-movie fans I figured that even if the movie was bad, I knew Sybil Danning was there to save the day. I was wrong. Sybil Danning can't save it. There's no way she could have since she's in it for five minutes. I distinctly remember her being proudly displayed on the video box. What a shame. I was looking forward to watching this one too. Mummies, Sybil Danning, ancient curses, and Sybil Danning. Ripped off again. I'll never learn.

You'll be screaming for mercy after this one. Any scene without Sybil Danning is lame and terrible. And was she naked for her five minutes you ask? No way. If she was, I might have given the movie a break. If Michelle Bauer had gotten naked, I might have even vaguely enjoyed the movie. If Michelle Bauer and Sybil Danning had gotten naked together, I might have had an orgasm. But they didn't. So many chances to embrace pure exploitation but "The Tomb" blew them all.

Good Lord man. Is it too much to ask to make B-movies enjoyable? There is a lot of ways to overcome the limitations associated with a small budget. This movie just puttered along without a care in the world of being good. "The Tomb" is a stinker that needs to be left to rot.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 for five minutes of Sybil