"Emanuelle in America" review

Emanuelle in America (1977)

Director: Joe D'Amato

Writers: Ottavio Alessi

Laura Gemser ... Emanuelle

Gabriele Tinti ... Alfredo Elvize, Duke of Mount Elba

Roger Browne ... The Senator

Riccardo Salvino ... Bill

Emanuelle is a good reporter. There's nothing she won't do for a hot story. Speaking of hot, Laura Gemser is at her Black Emanuelle peak in this one. She gets naked countless times as she engages in one sex adventure after another. Emanuelle is our eyes and ears into the sordid sex underworld. She is the ultimate voyeur. She might not do everything but there isn't anything she won't watch. She watches horse masturbation, orgies, interracial action and some of the most vile snuff footage you will ever see.

I am not a big fan of director D'Amato. Most of the movies that I've seen of his were unbelievably amateurish and terrible. "Emanuelle in America" is one of the few exceptions to that rule. It's also one of those rare movies that actually lives up to its hype. It is a salacious, lecherous, nasty piece of work. I mean that in a good way.

A special salute must be given to the snuff footage section. It is literally violence as pornography. Every time we see the snuff footage, people are getting off watching it. Is the audience supposed to as well or are we supposed to be repulsed? I don't know the answer to that. My guess is that we're supposed to feel a little of both. Either that or D'Amato doesn't care how we feel as long as we pay for the sick thrills.

"Emanuelle in America" is one of the nastiest exploitation movies ever made. The snuff footage at the end showed D'Amato's true talent: Sleaze to please. And I mean SLEAZE! How pleased you get will say a lot about how sick you are. I was amazed.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 Emmanuelles

"Feeders" review

Feeders (1996)

Directors: Jon McBride John Polonia

Writer: Mark Polonia

Jon McBride ... Derek

John Polonia ... Bennett

Todd Carpenter ... Fisherman

Sebastian Barran ... Doctor

Melissa Torpy ... Michelle

Space. The Final Frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Feeders. To seek out new life to destroy, to explore strange new DVD players, to boldly make the worst movie of all time. "Feeders" doesn't know fear. It doesn't know about talent. It has no concept of entertainment. If you see a Feeder, there will be an anal probing. Feeders operate under a strict "no survivors" policy. You are doomed if you see a Feeder. Run!

"Feeders" is about Feeders. They are tiny aliens who attack the backwoods of Pennsylvania. They have landed in the hopes of finding something interesting to do. Their little heads bob around looking for a movie. No such luck.

Bashing "Feeders" is kind of pointless. It was as low budget and terrible as you would expect just from looking at the video box. I'm an eternal optimist so I rented it anyway. The aliens were puppets that looked ridiculous and the acting was awful. There is so much more that deserves to be trashed but I think it would be best if I just summed it up this way: This movie sucks.

The only thing positive to say about "Feeders" is that it has one of the greatest bad acting scenes ever committed to film. Two girls are on the phone and one of them says something like, "Wait. My dad will find out." It was incredible. She was reading off of a cue card. I rewound it about five times to make sure I saw this girl say these words with absolutely no emotion whatsoever. It was hysterical.

So aside from seeing that girl do one of the most hilarious bad acting performances ever, there's not anything to recommend about "Feeders". It wasn't good.

SCORE: LANDFILL

"Red to Kill" review

Red to Kill (1994)

AKA Yeuk saat

Director: Hin Sing 'Billy' Tang
Writer: Ho Wa Wong

Lily Chung ... Ming-Ming Yuk Kong
Money Lo ... Ka Lok Cheung (as Man Yee Lo)
Ben Ng ... Chi Wai Chan
Bobby Yip ... Ugly Mental Patient

Ming Ming has a hard life. A slightly retarded girl who has the misfortune to have a psycho fall in love with her. She gets sent to live in a home for the handicapped after her family dies. The guy who runs the home just happens to have one little quirky attribute about him. The color red irritates him to the point where he becomes a shaking, drooling rapist. Well, we can only hope Ming Ming does not wear red around this man. But since the movie is called "Red to Kill", it's a pretty safe bet she will. Sure enough, Ming Ming has the audacity to wear the color red and now it's on. Rape, violence, revenge and protracted sexual mutilation follow in quick succession.

"Red to Kill" is a Category III exploitation movie. I didn't fully appreciate what Category III meant until I saw this film. A beautifully shot film that lovingly explores the horror of rape. Ming Ming, (Lily Chung), is shown as a sweet, innocent girl who gets violently raped by her caretaker. The social worker who put Ming Ming in this predicament feels a tad guilty and tries to help her. This only leads down the path to more red-induced violence.

"Red to Kill" is a fine exploitation film. I enjoyed it. It's sad that Ming Ming had to suffer so much for me to get some Category III thrills. But Lily Chung should be commended for doing a great job in playing an innocent girl getting mauled. Chung also deserves a place in exploitation movie history for the longest sexual mutilation scene in history. After her rape, Ming Ming heads to the shower to cut off her pubic hairs. Ming Ming's shaving starts getting rougher and the blood starts to flow down the drain. A standout nasty scene that should have exploitation fans cheering. Poor Ming Ming.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 red Ming Mings

"Obsession: A Taste for Fear" review

Obsession: A Taste for Fear (1988)

AKA Un sapore di paura

Director: Piccio Raffanini
Writers: Jacques Goyard Piccio Raffanini

Virginia Hey ... Diane
Gérard Darmon ... Georges
Gioia Scola ... Valerie
Dario Parisini ... Lt. Arnold
Carin McDonald ... Kim
Teagan Clive ... Teagan Morrison
Eva Grimaldi ... Pearl

Yet another rental from my terrible local video store. I wanted to check this one out because I had heard that it had the woman from "The Road Warrior" in it, (Virginia Hey). I'm a simple man seeking simple pleasures. It doesn't take much to excite me.

The title of the movie is "Obsession: A Taste for Fear". It's sold as a typical softcore sex thriller. Nothing in the title or on the video box would lead you to any other conclusion. So the movie is humming along, doing what softcore movies do, when all of a sudden something unexpected happens. Somebody fires a laser gun! What the heck? Who said this movie was set in the future? Who? What? Huh?!

After that, the movie derailed on me as I sat there imagining the producers having an imbecilic brainstorming session..."We need something unique here. Anybody can film two people having sex. The sex is still good mind you but we need a hook. Something flashy...I got it! Wait till you hear this! How about a laser gun?! YES! The audience will love it! Nothing sells a sex thriller better than laser guns."

Actually, nothing flushes a softcore movie down the toilet faster than laser guns. As for the plot, it had something to do with Virginia and her obsessions. She's a photographer who takes a lot of sleazy pictures. Her models are getting killed and the killer keeps firing laser cannons at her. There's also a female body builder and a lot of outrageous 80's fashion catastrophes. There are a few decent sex scenes but they always end up getting interrupted by laser blasts.

Did I mention there is a laser attack in this softcore movie? I suppose "Obsession: A Taste for Fear" was trying to be a unique addition to the giallo genre. It's not everyday you see random laser guns in these movies. It's so unique I never want to see or think of this movie again. Although I did enjoy seeing Virginia Hey get a taste for fear. She made the movie slightly bearable. Not much so but she did her best. Yes Virginia, there is a laser gun.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 laser dodging road warriors

"Sexy Wives Sindrome" review

Sexy Wives Sindrome

Director: Sam Pepperman AKA Jim Wynorski
Writer: Steve Goldenberg

Frankie Cullen ... Mark
Cindy Lucas ... Nurse Kayla Belmont
Julie K. Smith ... Dr. Anderson / Jane Grabowski
Billy Chappell ... Shug
Rebecca Love ... Mandy
Angie Savage ... Lucy

Hard bodied wives are having sex issues. Can you guess who the doctor is they go to see for sexual healing? No, it's not me. It's Dr. Julie Smith with a degree in Tantric sexuality. She has healing hands and puts them to good use. She helps her patients come to grips with their fantasies. Since most humans fantasize about Julie Smith, she has just what they need to start performing with their partners. It's good to know that there are professionals out there who care about whether people get off or not. Julie Smith is here to help us all.

"Sexy Wives Sindrome" is another late night sex flick from Sam Pepperman. Oops, I mean Jim Wynorski. The man who never saw a blonde he didn't like. The man who cranks out skin flicks like he's trying to corner the market on late night cinema. The man who has nothing but contempt for his audience and films his movies as slipshod as he likes for there is no one to challenge him. Who's going to stop him? He's going to take over Cinemax one day. Well, at least the programming during the witching hour when the demons come out and they want to watch hot softcore action.

"Sexy Wives Sindrome" reminds us all on why we bother to watch Wynorski movies. The man loves Julie Smith and I have to respect that. I've said it before but I don't think it can be said enough. Julie Smith is amazing. If you're a breast man, (and I am!), she is a shining example of perfection. She's sexy, funny and has a body that will blow your mind. Yes, your mind will be blown. She has saved another Wynorski movie with her amazing body and carnal appetite. I'm not the first man to lust uncontrollably over Julie Smith and I won't be the last. She is easily the best element in softcore movies right now. Unless Sybil Danning makes a comeback, I don't see anyone usurping her.

In "Sexy Wives Sindrome" she has three sex scenes. The first one has her helping one of her female, (blonde), patients explore the full benefit of being under her care. The second has her banging a guy, (not blonde), in the exercise room. The third has her jumping in the hot tub with her female, (blonde of course), assistant so they can unwind after a hard day of discussing sexual fantasies. The sex scene with the guy is too goofy to enjoy, (they're using the gym equipment while going at it), but both scenes with the (blonde) women were great. Julie goes slow when she is with other women and takes her time with every lick and kiss. The meticulous attention to sapphic delights is appreciated.

There were some other things going on in "Sexy Wives Sindrome" but I wasn't too interested. Rebecca Love shows up for a couple of sex scenes but they didn't really stand out. There were some other random blonde women having sex but it didn't do much for me. The only one who can make any sense out of this late night affliction known as Sexy Wives Sindrome is Dr. Julie. She will remind you why watching softcore movies can be a beautiful thing.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 sexy Julie Sindromes

Rarrr!

"The Devil Wears Nada" review

The Devil Wears Nada

Director: Jim Wynorski
Writer: Jim Wynorski

Christine Nguyen ... Candy Cane
Frankie Cullen
Beverly Lynne ... Miss Julia Crimson
Brandin Rackley ... Rebecca
Katy Magnuson
Franklin Pangborn III
Kevin Van Doorslaer
Lexi Belle

"The Devil Wears Nada" is about Jim Wynorski making money. I think Cinemax pays somewhere between $30K and $60K to rent the movie for their late night schedule. I'm sure Wynorski pockets all of it. I believe there is actually a shrine built to him in Cinemax's headquarters. Cinemax had to have a hot line installed so that they could stay in contact with him at all hours. Their late nights would be bare without his prolific softcore output.

"The Devil Wears Nada" is about Beverly Lynne torturing her assistants so that they'll get frustrated and have sex with each other. Christine Nguyen is the new girl and Brandin Rackley is the current assistant who has to train her. There's some intrigue and deviousness going on between Beverly and her assistants but I wasn't too interested. The plot breaks between sex scenes gave me some time to get some sleep before the next one started up. I could actually hear Wynorski snoring off camera during the dialogue scenes as well. I was as interested in the plot as he was.

When it comes to softcore movies, the key to success is casting. Actually, the key is making sure that the right cast members are dry humping each other. I'm a big believer in chemistry. Some people click on screen with their partner and others seem dazed and confused as to why they have to fondle a person they're not attracted to. "The Devil Wears Nada" showcases two extreme examples of bad chemistry and good chemistry.

When I saw that Beverly Lynne was in this movie, I got excited. She can be fun to watch as she struts through the softcore motions. Beverly has one sex scene in the movie. She takes Christine Nguyen into the shower for some tender lovemaking. This scene held infinite promise. These are two very experienced performers in the art of lesbian lovemaking. Surely, they would generate some heat in the shower.

But alas, this turned out to be an example of bad chemistry. So very bad. This sex scene was a disaster. Beverly and Christine were not into it on any level. They merely shifted their weight back and forth in the shower and prayed for Wynorski to yell cut. So now we know that Beverly Lynne and Christine Nguyen should never be in a sex scene again. How heartbroken I was.

Just when all hope was lost, Christine meets Brandin Rackley. Brandin sees that Christine is tense, (must be from the unfulfilling shower scene), and leads her to a bathtub. They engage in a sex scene which shows us the perfect example of good chemistry. What I'm trying to say is, it's freaking hot! Christine and Brandin are all over each other in a great lesbian sex scene. The kissing, the breast licking, it's all here. Wynorski should take it as a personal triumph that he put these two together. It is the highlight of the movie.

There are plenty of other sex scenes to distract you from the meaningless plot. Most of these scenes are decent but nothing exceptional. There are three different scenes of blonde women standing by a pool and making out with each other. Do you think Wynorski has a type? Could it be blonde women with large breasts? So remember ladies, if you want Wynorski to spend some of his vast softcore fortune on you, be blonde and busty. He can't resist.

"The Devil wears Nada" has one great sex scene, some filler scenes with a menagerie of blonde women and a bummer of a Beverly Lynne scene. But Christine and Brandin's makeout session in the bathtub makes the movie worth seeing. It is a great softcore scene which I hope will inspire future Nguyen/Rackley scenes. Just like Wynorski and a pile of money, putting the two together can be a powerful combination.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 hot blonde devils
Oh Christine. The Devil wears pigtails.

"I Am Virgin" review

I Am Virgin

Director: Sean Skelding
Writers: Sean Skelding David Wester

Melinda Ausserer ... Female Vampire 1
Hank Cartwright ... Dad
Jamison Challeen ... Newscaster 2
Amber Chase ... Porn Store Vampire 3
Adam Elliott Davis ... Robby
Nick Dent ... Porn Store Vampire 2
Lilith Eve ... Warehouse Vampire 1
Jessica Jackson ... Vampire
Ron Jeremy ... Paul
Zuzzie Kapas ... Vampire Nurse
Jennifer Loomis ... Vampire Bartender

Vampires are loose in the world and they're having sex. Robby is trying to survive as the last virgin on Earth. He's surrounded by undead nymphomaniacs and he still can't get laid. Robby sits by his computer all day lamenting about his current state of virginity. So to ease his mind he heads out into the world to take a peek at how the other half copulates. Everywhere Robby goes there is an orgy in process. Robby is a confused virgin and just likes to watch sex scenes play themselves out over and over again. Ron Jeremy shows up to tell Robby to quit whining and pop the cherry already. Even Jeremy can't steer Robby off the path of dedicated voyeurism.

I rented "I am Virgin" under the assumption that it was a spoof of "I am Legend". I was waiting for Robby to take out the shotgun and blast the horny vampires into oblivion. I waited and waited but Robby was too lame to do anything. Instead I got to see Robby run around town with his trusted Basset hound so he could watch various women with tattoos make sweet vampire love.

"I am Virgin" is a pointless movie. Although if the point of the movie was to show softcore sex scenes wrapped around a whiney virgin then mission accomplished. I have been known to enjoy a softcore movie or two, (or three), so there were parts of the movie I liked. In fact, the first sex scene that Robby stumbles upon has three vampire women making out with each other. I found this scene to be quite enjoyable. They made the post apocalyptic world look pretty good. But then Robby freezes at the end and runs away.

That basically sums up the problem with this movie. Robby does nothing. Nothing! He must have watched five or six sex scenes unfold. While they had their arousing moments, Robby should have gotten a little more involved in the movie. Like, oh I don't know, kill the vampires maybe? Perhaps indulge in some vampiric foreplay before running for his life? Robby should have fought valiantly to hold onto his precious virginity instead of bolting like a scared rabbit at the sight of humping vamps.

"I am Virgin" has a lot of softcore sex scenes and a running scared virgin. That's about it. The sex scenes are not good enough to recommend a viewing but they do manage to save "I am Virgin" from B-movie oblivion. Ron Jeremy shows up to laugh in Robby's face for staying a virgin. He probably should have lectured Robby a little harder about the perils of staying pure in an insane world. It would have made for a more interesting movie.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 virgin killers

"Gingerdead Man 2: Passion of the Crust" review

Gingerdead Man 2: Passion of the Crust (2008)

Director: Silvia St. Croix
Writers: Muffy Bolding William Butler

Michelle Bauer ... Polly Bunderhoof
Bruce Dent ... Ricki Johnson
Travis Dixon ... Lieutenant Grant
Junie Hoang ... Ensign del Rio
K-von ... Kelvin
Frank Nicotero ... Marty
Joseph Porter ... Tommy Hines
Kelsey Sanders ... Heather
Jon Southwell ... Jake Jackson
John Vulich ... Gingerdead Man / Makeup Effects Guy #4

The Gingerdead Man is back and he's on a B-movie set. Somehow he ends up in a bakery box and is served to the crew by Michelle Bauer. She's working craft services and she looks amazing. The Gingerdead man needs to resurrect himself so he decides that slicing and dicing some B-movie people will do the trick. Meanwhile, a dying "kid" is granted a last dying wish. He wishes to tour a B-movie set and the owner is happy to oblige. The owner defends his movie making craft vigorously to the "kid" as they tour the shambles of the studio. Many exploitation movie in-jokes follow as the Gingerdead Man goes about his business of ruining another B-movie.

You may ask yourself how a movie about a killer gingerbread man can go so wrong. But I think a better question to ask is how can a movie about a killer gingerbread man go right? If you were punished into making a "Gingerdead Man" sequel, what could you do? We know these movies aren't meant to be scary. There isn't any chance of real horror showing up in these movies. So the only saving grace "Gingerdead Man" could possibly have is to be funny. You need a funny cookie monster. The movie sinks or swims on how amusing the Gingerdead man can be.

So since the movie depends on a possessed cookie entertaining you, it must inevitably fail. I didn't laugh once at the Gingerdead man and his Gingerdead attempts at comedy. In fact, I'd like to take the Gingerdead man by his feet and dunk him headfirst in milk until the little milk bubbles stop gurgling up from his mouth. Then I would take a bite out of his Gingerdead head and laugh maniacally as I chug the milk down.

All scenes with the Gingerdead Man are pointless and idiotic. Here's the Gingerdead Man's M.O.: He stalks a member of the crew, kills them while spouting terrible dialogue, there's a little blood, repeat. It gets very tedious watching this cookie puppet pretend to be a psycho killer. The fast forward button was calling my name but I hung in there and watched all of his monster antics. It wasn't worth it.

I believe the filmmakers also knew that the Gingerdead Man is incapable of providing any entertainment so they spent most of the movie focusing on the owner of the studio. His witty repartee, (note sarcasm), with the dying "kid" becomes the highlight of the film. The "kid" turns out to be a rabid B-movie fan who writes a blog and has been bashing the owner's movies on the internet. But all he really wants to do, naturally, is grovel at the B-movie makers feet. He has an orgasm at the mere thought of working for him. You know how those reviewers are. I suspect the filmmakers knew they were going to get slammed for this movie and wanted to jab any future, (and past for that matter), reviewers of their product. It's all in good fun. Except when the Gingerdead Man shows up. That's no fun at all.

The only thing positive I can say about "Gingerdead Man 2" is that Michelle Bauer is in it. She was the real highlight of the movie. She is hot as always and makes me wish there was more, so much more, of her in this movie. Every time I see her, I wish she was in more B-movies. On the other hand, I wish the Gingerdead Man was in fewer B-movies. So much fewer. As in none at all. I want this cookie to crumble.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 cookie monsters

Here's something good in "Gingerdead Man 2:" The Passion for more Bauer

"Batbabe: The Dark Nightie" review

Batbabe: The Dark Nightie

Director: John Bacchus
Writers: John Bacchus Michael Raso

Darian Caine ... Wendy Wane / BatBabe
Robert Mandara ... The Jerker
Molly Heartbreaker ... Henrietta Bent
Jackie Stevens ... Rachel Balls
Clancy Fitzsimmons ... Commissioner Boredom
Andrea Jaxx ... Nude Cyclist
Ruby Larocca ... Pool Girl 1
Sierra Dream ... Pool Girl 2

I was feeling nostalgic. That's my excuse. I was thinking back to the old softcore days and nights of Julian Wells and A.J. Khan. Reminiscing on the Golden Years of Seduction Cinema. I wondered what those cheap filmmakers were up to these days. Had they found any suitable replacements for Ms. Wells and Khan? What does the current crop of Seduction Cinema women have to offer? I decided that "Batbabe: the Dark Nightie" had the greatest chance of showcasing Seduction Cinema's finest.

"Batbabe" is about Batbabe. A babe who dresses like a bat. She's a stripper by day and BatBabe by night. Actually she strips at night and hangs out as BatBabe during the day as well. She's very busy. Anyway, her arch enemy is the evil Jerker. Jerker is a madman who wants to steal all of the porno in the city so the citizens will go crazy with lust. He's hoping for a semen flood which will fill the streets with sticky vengeance. Batbabe won't stand for this ejaculating injustice. Batbabe beats up a bunch of people, manages to get involved in some facsimiles of sex scenes, and the Jerker jerks it all movie long. At least he had fun.

I can tell you one thing about "Batbabe". The Jerker was successful in stealing the porno from the city. In fact, he was so successful he managed to steal it right out of this movie. Amazingly, "Batbabe" doesn't have one good sex scene. Not one scene to linger over and enjoy. Not one lousy, stinking sex scene to jerk it like the Jerker would. There isn't anything to recommend, commend or even talk about in regards to this film.

After suffering through "Batbabe", I'm reminded why I don't bother with Seduction Cinema anymore. The glory days are over. Their current group of ladies does not measure up to the mighty Julian Wells and AJ Khan. All of these women look like they took the day off from the strip club so they could be filmed fumbling through a half hearted sex scene. Only Darian Caine, (Batbabe), remains from the Misty Mundae days. She does what she can but even she can't manage to add any excitement to this softcore dud.

I was very tempted to throw "Batbabe" into the Landfill. It was so close to Landfill glory. But "Batbabe" does have a lot of nudity so I have to give it one point for that. But that's the only thing that saves it from the garbage dump. Do yourself a favor and skip this one. Check out "Seduction of Misty Mundae" for Seduction Cinema satisfaction. Don't let the Jerker spooge on you.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 Batbabes

"Girl with the Sex-Ray Eyes" review

Girl with the Sex-Ray Eyes

Director: Fred Olen Ray
Writer: Fred Olen Ray

Nicole Sheridan ... Taffy
Brad Bartram ... Agent Richardson
Voodoo ... Eddie (as Alexandre Boisvert)
Shannon Kelly ... Mao Myx
Evan Stone ... Vargas
Daisy ... Massage Girl (as Daisy Marie)
Christine Nguyen ... Kelly

Secret government X-ray glasses have fallen into the hands of a stripper. Nicole Sheridan and her moronic boyfriend see a potential gold mine with their new found treasure. While a government agent hunts them down, they hit the road to Vegas so that they can have sex with Christine Nguyen. But secret X-Ray glasses are too powerful to leave in the hands of strippers so a large breasted woman, (Shannon Kelly), steals them back. Even with all of the nefarious wheeling and dealing going on, Shannon still finds time to have sex with her male and female assistants. It's good to see that she has a healthy work/life balance. It all ends in a goofy scene with a fake Sheik, Sheridan in her "Erotic Dreams of Jeannie" outfit and a fight sequence to rival the best Hollywood action scenes.

"Girl with the Sex-Ray Eyes" is yet another Fred Olen Ray softcore flick. You have to give the guy some credit for his prolific output. The Cinemax machine is hungry and he feeds it regularly. Besides his usual cast, (Sheridan, Nguyen, the guys), he's added three adult film stars. Demi Delia, Shannon Kelly and Daisy Marie all show up to add a little variety to the softcore action. It's always nice to see some new faces. And new bodies.

As for the new cast members, Delia's two sex scenes didn't do much for me. She starts the movie off banging the government agent for some X-ray payoff money. Her second sex scene has her in prison with a goofy goggle-wearing guy. Both were fair scenes but they didn't thrill me. Shannon Kelly has a sex scene with the same goggle-wearing goofball that falls flat. Maybe Ray should refrain from showing sex scenes with guys wearing eye protection. It's a distraction from the ladies.

But Shannon's last sex scene is the obvious winner. She unwinds with her masseuse after a rubdown. Daisy Marie has one line in the movie, "Can you turn over for me please?" Once you hear that line, you'll know that you're heading towards a great lesbian sex scene. What makes a lesbian sex scene great you ask? Lots of tongue and nipple play. This is the essence of softcore lesbian sex. After an abundance of breast licking, it all leads to the most mysterious of lesbian activity. The tribbing! I love to see that. Man wasn't meant to know what that does for ladies but we know that they like it. Although someone once described the sensation for me. Two words: Suction cups. That's all I'll say.

There's another good sex scene between Nicole Sheridan and Christine Nguyen. Christine also has a breast fetish, (like me), and I enjoy seeing her jump at the chance to play with Nicole's twins. Overall, "Girl with the Sex-Ray Eyes" is a standard Fred Olen Ray flick with a really good lesbian scene at the end. The plot is unimportant, the jokes are terrible, but the sex scenes save the day once again. If it's on cable one night, (and it will be), it's worth a look.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 full body massages

"Sigma Die!" review

Sigma Die! (2007)

Director: Michael Hoffman Jr.
Writer: Meghan Jones

Joe Estevez ... Officer Brubek
Reggie Bannister ... Chief Moorhouse
Brinke Stevens ... Mrs. Angleman
Aly Hartman ... Jamie
Christian Anderson ... Zach
Heather Zagone ... Linda
Nikie Zambo ... PJ

A bunch of Zeta girls decide to rent a cabin for a party. Some guys show up to drink beer, dance around and be as obnoxious as possible. A killer is stalking the Zeta girls. Could it be the caretakers of the cabin? Could Brinke Stevens be involved in the tragic killings of Zeta girls and guys? Does a panty raid from 20 years ago have any bearings on this cheap party going on in the woods? And what are Joe Estevez and Reggie Bannister doing in this movie? "Sigma Die!" poses these and other questions that are just not worth answering.

Sorority girls flash their breasts and die as "Sigma Die!" grinds on down the path to B-movie oblivion. It's another annoying slasher movie that didn't need to get made yet somehow found the money to bring itself to life. I rented it in the hopes that Brinke Stevens could give it some of that B-movie magic she does so well. Alas, it was not to be. The Zeta girls and guys dominated the movie in performances I can only describe as irritating. Although grating might be another word I could use to describe their collective efforts. "Sigma Die!" needed Zetas to be dying quicker than they were so we could get back to Brinke. Or at least linger on them dying so I could feel a little better about sitting through this movie.

But "Sigma Die!" makes a special effort to make sure that the viewer is really annoyed by the movie. At about the half hour mark the movie actually repeats itself to show the first fifteen minutes again. It literally shows the same scenes that you had just watched so you can really be aggravated at the Zeta's party scenes. It was at this moment that the movie lost me. I mean, if it had rewound itself to show a Zeta girls orgy, that would be a different story. But instead I get to see the beer swilling teens swill some more beer. Will you people put down your beers and die already?

"Sigma Die!" can be skipped. There's not anything going on here that you haven't seen before. The only positive thing I can say about it is that it did have some naked Zetas and Brinke Stevens showed up for ten minutes or so. If you're looking for Brinke Stevens satisfaction, check out "Nightmare Sisters". Let "Sigma Die!" die somewhere else.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 dead Zetas

"Mutants" review

Mutants (2009)

Director: David Morlet
Writers: Louis-Paul Desanges David Morlet

Hélène de Fougerolles ... Sonia
Francis Renaud ... Marco
Dida Diafat ... Virgile (as Dida)
Marie-Sohna Conde ... Perez (as Marie-Sohna Condé)
Nicolas Briançon ... Franck
Luz Mandon ... Dany (as Luz Mando)

A virus has been unleashed and it's turning people into mutants. A couple makes their escape over snow covered mountains to an abandoned building. They hope to get picked up by a nearby army base that may have a cure for the zombie pandemic. The woman is unaffected by the virus while her boyfriend is slowly rotting away into a mutant. She tries desperately to halt the decaying of her companion. Trouble shows up when a gang of thugs follows the couple's distress call to their hiding spot. The gang also manages to attract a roving horde of zombies which further complicates the woman's attempt to control her foaming at the mouth lover.

"Mutants" is a French zombie movie that was spawned from the success of "28 Days Later". It doesn't take 28 days to become a zombie but we do get to watch the evolution of zombie transformation. "Mutants" starts off at a fast pace as an ambulance is speeding down the road trying to contain the zombie that has manifested itself inside the car. Eventually, they run into more zombies which leaves the paramedic's boyfriend infected. Once they make their way to the abandoned building, the movie slows down as love tries to conquer all by coming up with a cure for mutation.

It was at this point that I thought the movie was going to lose me. As the body horror progressed, so did the woman's love for her ailing man. But since this is a horror movie, love is never enough to stop the madness. The mutation continues as the group of thugs shows up with their zombie horde right behind them. Violence wins out again as thugs and zombies meet for the gory finale. This seems inevitable as all zombie movies need a raging horde of the undead to rampage over people eventually. One zombie is just not enough.

"Mutants" is a fast paced zombie flick that has some good gory moments and a few intense action scenes. It also shows us that people in love can go to extremes for each other. I certainly hope that if I'm ever infected with a zombie virus, I have a nurse like her to help me get through it. Although it didn't work out for the guy, at least she tried to stop her lover from becoming a decaying carcass. "Mutants" is worth a look.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 mutant boyfriends

"Housewives from Another World" review

Housewives from Another World

Director: Fred Olen Ray
Writer: Fred Olen Ray

Heather Vandeven ... Karen
Christine Nguyen ... Carla
Rebecca Love ... Rita
Frankie Cullen ... Max

Space aliens have landed on Earth and they're horny. Heather Vandeven grabs a meteor fragment and transforms into a Housewife from Another World. She wants to explore this concept of what we humans call love. She hops into bed, (actually a couch), with her new husband and proceeds to have sex with him like she's been doing this all of her life. These aliens are quick learners. Heather enlists two more unwitting playmates into her nefarious scheme. Rebecca Love and Christine Nguyen get some space rocks tied around their necks which allows them to join the horny space sorority. The housewives are conspiring to stop a satellite from launching and some other unimportant things that don't have anything to do with softcore sex. Thankfully, their plan ultimately lives or dies on them getting naked. The alien babes won't let their home planet down. They go to great lengths to ensure there is nudity every five minutes and we're a better universe for it.

"Housewives from Another World" is yet another Fred Olen Ray late night sex flick in a long line of Fred Olen Ray late night sex flicks. It's pretty much the same cast doing the same things and telling the same lame jokes in between copious amounts of sex scenes. However, there is one important addition to the cast in this softcore adventure. Heather Vandeven, (Penthouse Pet of the Year Heather Vandeven. I know this because it has it plastered all over the DVD cover), gets added to the Fred Olen Ray rotation as the main extraterrestrial housewife. She is a fine addition. She has the body of a, well, Penthouse Pet of the Year. She's got the hair flip mastery of a Nikki Fritz and the hot, smoldering look of a Julian Wells. She's also quite talented in faking an orgasm. Oh what am I saying? She can't be faking it. I'm sure she loves having softcore sex with the cast so much that she just can't contain herself.

So "Housewives from Another World" becomes a showcase for Heather Vandeven and her sultry ways. In this respect, the movie is a success. I was completely convinced that Heather could seduce any man in about ten seconds after meeting him. There is one part of her sex repertoire that needs some work though. One sex scene has her taking Rebecca Love into the kitchen to teach her the ways of human love on counter tops. Heather seemed confused during this scene and was fumbling around a little too much. Fortunately, Rebecca Love took over and the scene turned out OK. Hopefully through practice, Heather can get better at these sapphic love scenes. Just remember, when doing a sex scene with Rebecca Love, spend as much time with her breasts as possible. Squeezing, licking, sucking, whatever you like, etc. It will turn out a winner for all involved.

"Housewives from Another World" has the usual amount of sex scenes and the obligatory solo shower scene. Most of the sex scenes are decent. Though I am getting slightly fatigued at watching the same performers get it on. There is only so much softcore fidelity I can handle. But Ray always manages to squeeze in one really good sex scene per movie and this time the clear winner is Rebecca Love and Christine Nguyen having sex on a couch. Heather sits this one out but sticks around to watch and get some pointers. At one point in the scene, Rebecca and Christine start rubbing each other out while Christine goes to work on Rebecca's nipples. It was amazing. This scene made me thankful I'm a man. A man who's watching two women rub each other out on Fred Olen Ray's couch. Heather was watching too and I hope she liked it as much as I did. I think we can all learn a thing or two from these innovative and sexually adventurous aliens.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Heather Housewives

"RoboGeisha" review

RoboGeisha (2009)

Director: Noboru Iguchi
Writer: Noboru Iguchi

Naoto Takenaka ... Kanai
Yoshihiro Nishimura ... Yakuza's Boss
Asami ... Onna Tengu 1
Takumi Saitô ... Hikaru Kageno
Cay Izumi ... Onna Tengu 2
Aya Kiguchi ... Yoshie Kasuga
Suzuki Matsuo ... Tetsuma Gotokuji
Yûya Matsuura ... Killed Man

Two sisters are competing to see who can be the best RoboGeisha. They catch the eye of a wealthy businessman who wants to mold them into top assassins for his company. He has dreams of destroying Japan and needs the RoboGeishas to strike when the establishment least expects it. RoboGeishas need to be equipped with the latest in killing technology so he tricks them out with the basic assassin necessities. You know, like acid breast milk, machine gun nipples, circular saws coming out of their mouths and throwing stars, (or shurikens), out of their butts. When the madmen who created the RoboGeishas, (the filmmakers), go even more insane, a castle sprouts robotic legs, girls turn into tanks, sisters argue and fight some more and where oh where was beer when I needed it?

"RoboGeisha" is a goofy movie about wacky things that would have been a lot more fun if I had been drinking heavily. Instead I foolishly decided to try to follow along with the plot and see where the RoboGeishas took me. It was a mistake. "RoboGeisha" is all about (cheap) visual stimulation. You must learn to love elements like throwing stars flying out of girls butts. If you try to figure out why they bothered to create an army of RoboGeishas and yet fall back on their secret castle robot weapon, you've thought too much. Nothing good can come out of being sober while watching this film.

But how much love can one have for weapons flying out of girls butts? I ask this question seriously. Once you've seen the Robobabes use all of their body parts for advanced weaponry purposes, what else does this movie have? Not much I'm afraid. Instead we are treated to a story of sibling rivalry that made me wish I was pounding beers instead of listening to them whine. The blood effects rely too heavily on CGI which diminishes any harsh effects the Robogore could inflict.

And yet, the movie does have weapons springing out of girls butts. That has to be worth a little something. While "RoboGeisha" is not nearly as much fun as it could be, (or thinks it is), it does make the effort to show us all of the fantastic machinery that can be employed out of a girls butt. I grew tired of watching an endless parade of Robo attacks and was hoping the movie would hurry up and end. But if I had a six pack of beer by my side, I might have grown to love the Robo anal assaults. But alas, I was sober and needed the Robobutts to put a cork in it.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Robobutts

Robobreasts

RoboGeishas with Robobutts and Robobreasts.

"Doghouse" review

Doghouse (2009)

Director: Jake West

Writer: Dan Schaffer

Danny Dyer ... Neil
Noel Clarke ... Mikey
Emil Marwa ... Graham
Lee Ingleby ... Matt
Keith-Lee Castle ... Patrick
Christina Cole ... Candy
Terry Stone ... Sergeant Gavin Wright
Neil Maskell ... Banksy
Emily Booth ... The Snipper
Stephen Graham ... Vince
Victoria Hopkins ... The Bride
Deborah Hyde ... The Barmaid
Nicola Jane Reading ... The Witch / Zombird Army - Nightgown

A bunch of guys head out to the country to get laid. They decide to ditch London and all of the women in their lives so that they can go pick up some new chicks. Or "Birds" in the vernacular of the English lads. One of their friends is going through a divorce and drinking some pints in the boondocks will certainly cheer him up. They charter a bus so that they can have a hot blonde haul them out there. When they get to the village, they are saddened to discover that all of the women have been transformed into bloodthirsty cannibals. The army has been experimenting on the town with a new chemical weapon that turns women into lethal killing machines. It was a raging success. Now the men have to do battle with the female zombie horde if they are going to survive the night.

"Doghouse" is a simple movie with only one thing on its devious mind. It wants to show us the joys of guys hanging out, drinking beer and killing women. Women who are psychotic cannibals but women nonetheless. Once the guys hit the country village, the rest of the movie becomes a game of survival as they run from house to house as zombirds close in on them. There are plenty of good gore scenes as limbs are removed and bodies are hacked up.

The men in "Doghouse" take their fear and resentment of women and channel it into homicidal rage as they attempt to destroy any zombird that gets in their path. "Doghouse" showcases all of the various ways one can mutilate a female zombie. There are women zombies dressed as a witch, a dentist, a barmaid and, (my favorite), a bride. Truly, these are scary archetypes of women. They could have used the teacher, the nurse and a zombie dressed as Wonder Woman to fill out the rest of the zombirds. Or are those porn archetypes? Either way, it would have been scary.

But "Doghouse" wants to keep the mood light amongst all of the carnage so it throws in a lame joke every now and then. I don't remember laughing too many times during the movie. In fact, I don't think I laughed at all. Horror/comedies are tricky and "Doghouse" doesn't quite get the comedy part of the equation right. However, as a goofy horror movie about killer zombirds, I had fun watching the war between the sexes break down into mass slaughter. "Doghouse" is worth a look.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 zombirds

"Seven Days" review

Seven Days (2010)

Director: Daniel Grou
Writers: Patrick Senécal

Claude Legault ... Bruno Hamel
Rémy Girard ... Hervé Mercure
Martin Dubreuil ... Anthony Lemaire
Fanny Mallette ... Sylvie Hamel
Rose-Marie Coallier ... Jasmine Hamel
Alexandre Goyette ... Boisevert

A young girl is raped and murdered and her father wants revenge. The murderer turns out to be a simpering pedophile who delights in tormenting children. The father decides to harness his smoldering rage and use it for something productive. He stages an elaborate kidnaping plot so he can have his daughter's killer all to himself. He decides to hold the freak hostage for seven days so he can torture him and show him the error of his ways. The father is a doctor which comes in handy when you want your torture victim to survive his wounds. The cops want to find him before he kills the pedophile. They don't really want to rescue the psycho as much as they want to save the doctor before he becomes a killer too.

What do you do with a pedophile? Should you take him to a cabin in the woods for some uninterrupted vengeance? Is it wrong to bash a child killer over the head with a steel chain? Is it so terrible to take a sledgehammer to a scumbag's legs? What is real justice for these criminals? These are the questions "Seven Days" tries to answer.

"Seven Days" is a hybrid crime thriller/horror movie. The filmmakers are not shy about showing the horrific acts the doctor inflicts on the pedophile. There are severe beatings with chains, sledgehammer bashings, unnecessary surgeries, and the occasional strangulations. The doctor likes to spread out the torture over the seven days so the pedophile can stay alive until the end. He wants to kill him on his daughter's birthday. What a great present it will be for his dead baby girl.

But does vengeance help heal the psychological wounds inflicted by murder? Is there such a thing as closure? Or does it even matter? Why stop the revenge when it feels so good? The doctor gets too much of a good thing as all of the beatings and blood spilling start to take its toll on his mental health. He thought all of the extreme violence would make him feel better but it still won't bring back his baby.

Violence begets more violence which begets a pretty good movie about cold vengeance. "Seven Days" is an effective thriller about obsessive revenge. Is there any other kind of revenge? I enjoyed watching the doctor go about his business of dispensing justice to the sick freak. "Seven Days" is worth a look.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 tortured freaks

"Pig Hunt" review

Pig Hunt (2008)

Director: James Isaac
Writers: Robert Mailer Anderson, Zack Anderson

Travis Aaron Wade ... John Hickman
Tina Huang ... Brooks
Howard Johnson Jr. ... Ben
Trevor Bullock ... Quincy
Rajiv Shah ... Wayne
Jason Foster ... Jake
Nick Tagas ... Ricky
Phillip K. Torretto ... Beer Belly Redneck

I was sitting next to a woman on an airplane when the conversation turned to pig hunting. She wanted to move back home to Washington D.C. but her husband really wanted to stay in Augusta, Georgia. I asked her what was in Augusta that her husband liked so much. "Well, he hunts wild pigs on the weekend." Really I said. I had no idea you could hunt pigs. They seemed very domesticated to me. "Oh, the pigs in the woods can kill you," she said. I asked her what kind of gun her husband used to hunt pigs. She looked at me like I was a complete idiot. "You don't use a gun to hunt pigs." Oh, so what does he use? "He uses a knife", she said. A knife? "Yes, a knife. He waits in the bushes until the pig gets real close. Then he jumps on their back and stabs them in the neck." OK, I said. This woman will never convince her husband to give up Augusta. When you're a man's man who slits pig's throats in the woods for fun, Washington DC just won't have the same appeal.

It was this story that was bouncing through my head while watching "Pig Hunt". A bunch of friends head up to a cabin to hunt pigs. While there, they learn about the legend of a giant boar that roams the woods. This mighty pig, (called the Ripper), may or may not have killed one of the guy's uncle. They go hunting through the woods, (with guns), and run into a lot of different things besides pigs. They cross paths with angry hillbillies, weird hippies and a cult of pig worshiping women. But the giant boar remains elusive until the bitter end in a movie that may or may not have been about pig hunting.

"Pig Hunt" seemed like a sure thing. A safe bet for an exploitation movie. When I saw the cover art showcasing a drooling pig standing on a pile of bones, I knew this movie was heading in the right direction. Then when I read the back of the DVD which promised a cult of lesbian women who worshiped the giant pig, I thought this movie was going to be pure sleaze genius. Just like most movies I watch, I went in with high hopes.

Alas, "Pig Hunt" did not deliver on it's grimy sleaze potential. The movie strains itself to show everything that could happen to some misguided hunters in the woods except for the most crucial aspect of pig hunting. They forgot to show the pig. Where's the pig? Why is he not ripping people to shreds every ten minutes? For that matter, where's the lesbian cult? Why aren't they kissing each other while riding wild pigs through the woods? Well, maybe that's asking too much. But there should have been a lot more pig hunting in "Pig Hunt".

Instead of scenes of monster pig carnage, we are treated to scene after scene of annoying rednecks taunting and attacking the hunters. Who cares about the stupid rednecks? This isn't "Deliverance with Pigs". This is "Pig Hunt". Bring on the lesbian pig cult! By the time they get around to showing the pig, the movie is almost over. The giant boar finally lumbers into view in the last fifteen minutes. The beast pants and wheezes his way through one last gory slaughter and then the hunt comes to an end.

"Pig Hunt" seemed like it would be an instant sleaze classic but instead it turned out to be another forgettable B-flick. It's an ambitious movie that tries to cram in a lot of different subjects but should have stuck to pig hunting. And real men don't hunt pigs with guns. That's what I've been told. "Pig Hunt" got that wrong too. Well, I guess these hunters were beginners so maybe they needed guns. Best to leave the real pig hunting to the experts.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 hogzillas

"Mega Snake" review

Mega Snake (2007)

Director: Tibor Takács
Writers: Boaz Davidson Robby Robinson

Michael Shanks ... Les Daniels
Siri Baruc ... Erin
Michal Yannai ... Fay (as Michal Yanai)
Ben Cardinal ... Screaming Hawk
John T. Woods ... Duff Daniels
Todd Jensen ... Big Bo
Nick Harvey ... Cooley

The snake wrangling church needs a new snake to shake up their Sunday services. But why settle for a normal snake when you can have a mega snake? The pastor of the church heads over to a snake store run by a surly indian named Screaming Hawk. The mega snake is not for sale as it has many restrictions on ownership. Faster than you can say "Gremlins", Screaming Hawk lays out the three rules of proper mega snake handling. Don't let the snake out of the jar. Don't let it eat anything alive. And don't let it star in a B-movie. Naturally all of these rules are broken fairly quickly as the pastor steals the snake so that this movie can get started. Eventually the snake grows into a mystical beast that eats pretty much anything that gets in its path. So before the whole town gets digested as mega snake food, the bravest warriors band together to defeat this gluttonous CGI monster.

"Mega Snake" is a proud B-movie. An unashamed rip-off of worthier movies. "Gremlins" and "Anaconda" are the two main rip-offs. The mega snake has all the rules that a Mogwai has and its rules were meant to be broken. Actually, they have to be broken or there wouldn't be a movie. The snake can also move as quickly as the snake in "Anaconda". It's amazing that a snake that size can slither through the woods and still sneak up on people. There is also a lunkheaded mayor, (ripping off "Jaws"), who refuses to cancel the carnival even with a giant snake bearing down on it.

There are no surprises waiting for you in "Mega Snake". All of the cliches and B-movie moments that you would expect are here. Once the mega snake has found his way out of the jar, the rest of the movie becomes a seemingly never ending series of snake attacks. There are the two country bumpkins who decide to hunt the snake themselves leading to predictably disastrous results. There is a scene where the snake tears his way through the carnival leaving headless bodies in his wake. There are so many scenes of unrestrained snake violence that I'm having trouble remembering them all. It was a snake orgy of gore.

But even though "Mega Snake" played out exactly as I knew it would, I still find myself being mildly entertained by it all. "Mega Snake" didn't promise me the world and I wasn't expecting it. It promised me a mega snake and that's exactly what it gave me. So if you're an undemanding lover of giant snake movies, you'll find something to like in "Mega Snake". If not, you can leave this mega snake in his jar. And don't feed him after midnight. Or get him wet. Or am I thinking of a better movie?

SCORE: 2 out of 4 mega snake skins

Don't feed the mega snake.

"30 Days of Night: Dark Days" review

30 Days of Night: Dark Days (2010)

Director: Ben Ketai
Writers: Steve Niles Ben Ketai

Kiele Sanchez ... Stella
Rhys Coiro ... Paul
Diora Baird ... Amber
Harold Perrineau ... Todd
Mia Kirshner ... Lilith

One of the survivors from the first "30 Days of Night" comes back for the sequel. She decides to leave the death and destruction of Alaska for the peaceful confines of Los Angeles. She is giving a series of lectures on how to spot a vampire when a few vampires show up. Luckily she has her ultraviolet lights handy so that she can fry any undead audience members. Her homicidal lecture catches the attention of a handful of L.A. vampire hunters who want her to join them on a quest to kill Lilith, (Mia Kirshner), the vampire queen. She is skeptical of their Lilith-killing abilities but decides to join anyway since she wasn't really all that busy. She was right to doubt their vampire hunting skills as this group seems pretty intent on committing suicide. Their strategy seems to be to attack the vampires in the darkest places imaginable. They're either charging into pitch black sewers or invading ships in the middle of the night in a quest to get their throats ripped open. It doesn't quite take 30 days of night to find Lilith but there are a few dark days along the way.

I saw "30 Days of Night" in the theater and I remember enjoying it. I don't remember too many details of the first movie but I do remember liking the gimmick of there not being any sunlight to save the vampire killers. Hence, 30 Days of Night. Now along comes the sequel that not only ditches the Alaska setting but uses the sunlight to waste many vampires.

"30 Days of Night: Dark Days" is a sequel in name only. It doesn't bring back anything that was cool or interesting about the first movie. Instead we are left with a run of the mill B-vampire flick with a lot of bullets flying and gushing neck wounds. I'm left to wonder why they bothered to make this movie if they weren't going to at least try to resemble a rough facsimile of a sequel. Well, I guess it might be considered a rough facsimile. There are vampires after all. That's about all it has in common with the first movie.

So the vampire hunters charge ahead and kill many vampires. That pretty much sums up the movie. The only thing interesting about "30 Days of Night: Dark Days" is Mia Kirchner. She has a great vampire queen look that makes me want to join her undead clan and bow to her commands. The rest of the cast goes through the B-movie motions and waits patiently for the movie to end so that they can get paid.

So if you liked the original "30 Days of Night", you might want to let this cheap knock-off go. It can only sully the memory. But if you're not picky about your vampire thrills, you might find something worth watching in "30 Days of Night: Dark Days". Some blood, some guts, some Mia Kirchner etc. A little Queen Mia may go a long way.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Liliths

Queen Mia