"Smash Cut" review

Smash Cut (2009)

Director: Lee Demarbre
Writer: Ian Driscoll

David Hess ... Able Whitman
Jesse Buck ... Isaac Beaumonde
Michael Berryman ... Philip Farmsworth Jr.
Ray Sager ... Reverend Ezekial Boone
Sasha Grey ... April Carson
Jennilee Murray ... Georgina Carson / Gigi Spot

A bad movie review drives a director insane. Able Whitman's, (David Hess), soul needs inspiration so he can start making horror movies that people actually want to watch. He runs into the warm embrace of his stripper muse looking for something inspiring in her lap dance. After a horrific car accident, her mangled corpse provides the spark he needs to start making blood soaked horror again. His movies needed to be more realistic in their portrayal of murder and mayhem. He decides that the only way to get the shots he needs is to kill everyone who has hurt him. Unfortunately it turns out that everyone he knows has hurt him. It won't be long before they all feel the homicidal wrath of an angry B-movie director.

There are a lot of exploitation icons in "Smash Cut". David Hess, Michael Berryman and Herschell Gordon Lewis all make appearances. David Hess is the frustrated director on a homicide binge. Berryman is the nervous studio head and Lewis shows up as intrepid reporter Sasha Grey's boss. The filmmakers wanted to show their love for the exploitation arts so they invited some notorious characters into their movie. While seeing horror and exploitation icons jump back into B-movies can be fun, their appearance in "Smash Cut" feels like the sole reason this movie exists.

I thought "Smash Cut" was going to be vehicle for Sasha Grey to strut her stuff in a horror flick but it turns out the filmmakers are more in love with David Hess. Now I liked Hess in "House on the Edge of the Park" and in other nasty horror flicks but I think the filmmakers priorities are a little skewed. Sasha should have taken center stage here. Haven't watching all of these exploitation movies taught us anything? Women are always the stars of these movies. They scream the best, run from maniacs the fastest and look good taking long showers to wash the blood off of their bodies. David Hess has some fine qualities but not nearly as fine as Sasha Grey.

Sasha Grey is an interesting character. If you've read anything about her, it becomes apparent how deadly serious she takes being a porn star. Rough sex is the brand she's selling and she does it very well. But the filmmakers fail to capitalize on her nasty reputation because they're too busy fawning over their exploitation idols. Sasha runs around the film set trying to find out what happened to her missing family member. It turns out Hess is using her dead relative for props in his movie. While this clearly should have led to a scene where Hess has rough sex with Sasha, (to get her to confess her deceitful sins), the filmmakers decided to let Sasha stay pure and not engage in any sort of carnal activity. For shame.

So without any Sasha Grey sex scenes, (or even nudity!), what else is there? "Smash Cut" is a collection of cheap gore scenes as Hess runs wild over every person he's ever met. Every gore scene is played for laughs as Hess uses a variety of instruments of death to get the job done. A knife, a nail gun, and even a harpoon is used to spill the guts of his enemies. While the blood is plentiful, the effects are too cheap and shoddy to be anywhere close to shocking. Even an eye-gouging scene can't horrify as it's clear that some poor doll is getting its fake eye mangled.

"Smash Cut" has some fun scenes as Hess laments the state of low budget filmmaking by morosely slaughtering his enemies. But it wasn't quite the exploitation movie it could have been. Sasha Grey is featured on the DVD cover and could have shouldered more of the exploitation burden. If the filmmakers would have let her explore her dark side, "Smash Cut" could have been so much more than the standard B-movie it is. You must never let a porn star go to waste. Any exploitation fan should know that.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 intrepid Sashas

Michael Whiteacre and the Adult PSA shoot

Here's a story for your enjoyment of porno stars, PSA's and the beautiful San Fernando Valley. A journey into the unknown for Dr. Gore.

So I received an email last week from director Michael Whiteacre. Mr. Whiteacre wanted to let me know he was shooting anti-piracy Public Service Announcements for the Adult Film Business. It was going to be Monday night in the Valley and I was welcome to stop by. To seal the deal he listed all of the porn stars that were going to be there. The list I received was as follows:

Alektra Blue
Belladonna
Lisa Ann
Kimberly Kane
Charlie Laine
Kaylani Lei
Kayden Kross
Angelina Armani
Joanna Angel
Julie Meadows
Nicki Hunter
Ron Jeremy
Cousin Stevie

This was a tough one all right. A real dilemma for me. A soul searching conundrum that kept me up at night. Did I want to drive to the Valley to see Michael direct porno stars in a PSA? Of course I did. I've been talking to Mr. Whiteacre for awhile and always wanted to see his directing skills in action. That and Lisa Ann is freaking hot.

So I hopped in the car and drove over the hill to the Valley. It was a long and arduous journey that gave me some time to think about the porn star situation I was heading into. I was a bit nervous since I had never been in a room full of porn stars before. I wasn't sure what was waiting for me so my mind wandered off into two extreme possibilities.

The first scenario was a "Boogie Nights" orgy scene with mass carnal activity breaking out as they waited for Whiteacre to shoot their scene. I foresaw a pile of cocaine on the cabinet while techno music and disco balls pumped and swayed through the night. This possibility frightened me as I wasn't quite ready for Caligula in the Valley. But I felt if anyone could direct an orgy, it would be Whiteacre.

The other possibility slowly entered my mind as I got closer and closer to the Valley. I took in the facts of the situation and came to a more rational conclusion than my X-rated fantasy. It was Monday night. The porn stars were working for free. Whiteacre had a lot of people to film in a short time span. There wasn't going to be any party. This was work, work, work. My mind sobered up to the situation. Porn stars don't give it away for free. They'll help out for a PSA but orgies will cost you.

So I finally got to the address after managing to drive by it twice. The shooting location was in a completely nondescript brick building. The kind of building that you would pass a hundred times and never notice. In other words, a perfect location. There won't be any surprise visitors showing up here.

Actually there was a surprise visitor at the shoot and it was me. I walked in the front door and was stared at like I was from outer space. But Mr. Whiteacre's friend Joanne recognized me and said that he was filming. The red light was flashing which could only mean that PSA's were rolling. There wasn't any cocaine in sight but there was a lovely vegetable tray. The carrots were delicious.

When the red light was turned off, I made my way onto the set. After saying hello to Mr. Whiteacre, the PSA train started rolling again. They were getting porn stars to admonish consumers to stop downloading porn for free. But not in an angry tone, (per Whiteacre's direction), but in a disappointed one. I had gotten there around 8:15 so I missed four or five PSA's. The first one I saw was with Alektra Blue.

Now I'm going to refrain from commenting on the individual PSA's as far as who did better than others. Although I have to say Ron Jeremy pretty much nailed it. He reminded me of that scene in "The Simpsons" where Krusty the clown bursts into the recording studio to do voice-over work, gets it in one take and then takes off immediately saying "Learn from a professional kid." Mr. Whiteacre was working like a madman to keep everything on track. I never saw him sit down nor did I see anyone take any breaks. From 6:00PM until 12:15AM, it was non-stop filming of porno PSA's.

The porn star I really wanted to see was Lisa Ann. She was certainly the highlight for me. No one has sex as Sarah Palin better than Lisa Ann. She walked onto the set in a tight purple shirt. So far so good. But I didn't want to interrupt the flow of the PSA shoot with some gibberish about how hot she is so I controlled myself from bothering her. However after Whiteacre was done with his shot, I managed to get a picture of her. Then I got one with me and her together. Notice the uncanny resemblance I have to David Hasselhoff. I wish I could tell you that Lisa Ann and I connected in a deep, meaningful way but I can't. She made a beeline out of the building a minute or two after that picture was taken. Farewell Lisa Ann. We'll always have this memory. Well, at least I will.

After Lisa Ann, the porn stars kept rolling in. Kimberly Kane showed up and was laughing just looking at Whiteacre. He had directed her in the still unreleased "Call Girl Daughters" and she was running the gauntlet of emotions dealing with Mr. Whiteacre.

Aggravated.

Exasperated.

Consoling.

Estatic.

The final porn star of the night was Charlie Laine. I had seen her in "Voodoo Dollz" and was excited about watching her work. She filmed a PSA just like the others but then filmed a second scene which involved taking her shirt off. Thank you Ms. Laine. You've just made my night. To make sure the scene went just right, Whiteacre got on the floor and removed her shirt for her to reveal her breasts. This is selfless dedication to your craft. There were happy-faced pasties on her nipples which conveyed the joy Charlie felt for people who don't steal her movies on the internet. So if you watch the Charlie Laine PSA, just know that it was Whiteacre who stripped her. A cherished memory for me.

I left the Valley that night a changed man. I had seen a parade of porno stars extolling the virtues of honesty and I was a better man for it. It wasn't quite the Boogie Night I thought it could be but in hindsight I'm not sure why I would imagine that. It must be because when I think of Whiteacre, I think of Call Girl Wives, Busty Cops and now Porno PSA's. He always manages to live an interesting life and for one night, I got to partake in a little part of it.


That's a wrap.

"The Hills Have Thighs" review

The Hills Have Thighs (2010)

Director: Jim Wynorski
Writer: Jim Wynorski

Frankie Cullen
Glori-Anne Gilbert
Rebecca Love
Kylee Nash
Brandin Rackley
Julie K. Smith
Diana Terranova

Julie Smith and friends are canvassing the desert for a place to have sex. One of their friends was last seen wandering through the valley of the large breasted cave women and hasn't been seen since. Can't they just let the man be? Maybe he doesn't want to be saved. But since he was good in the sack his friends need to find him. He is being held captive by mutated wild women Kylee Nash and Rebecca Love. They want to keep humping him until they drain him dry or until they find some other poor soul to satisfy their insatiable desire. Julie Smith and Brandin Rackley need to have plenty of sex so that they can have the strength to leave no stone unturned in their quest to ruin their friends cave girl orgy.

Speaking as a man who can't get enough of watching Julie Smith engage in erotic pleasure, I enjoyed "The Hills have Thighs". Horny B-movie kingpin Jim Wynorski invades late night cable with another large breasted homage to himself. Every sex scene has been filmed in some form or another in a previous Wynorski movie so why tamper with a proven formula. This time he is smart enough to let Julie Smith and her amazing breasts have three solid sex scenes. The first one has Julie showing her fidelity to her husband with some healthy marital sex in a motel room. The second scene has Julie and Brandin taking a break from their searching and indulging in some desert sapphic delight. The last scene has Julie under the influence of a sex spell and banging her friend's husband. All of these scenes showcased Julie's carnal skills and left me in awe of her as usual.

One of the exploitation elements you can always depend on in a Wynorski movie is large breasted women popping their tops. You can't depend on much else but I always take comfort in knowing that at least Wynorski loves topless women in movies as much as I do. Kylee Nash is the leader of the cave women and has plenty of cave women sex. She is frothing at the mouth during most of her sex scenes like any horny cave woman should. Her breasts are extra large and she unleashes them in many scenes for the viewer to enjoy. Rebecca Love is another large breasted wild woman who gets to release her cave woman breasts during many frantic sex scenes. Brandin Rackley is fun to watch as she seems to enjoy rolling around with whomever is naked with her at the time. And have I mentioned how much I like watching Julie Smith? Just amazing man. She has to be seen.

"The Hills have Thighs" is a typical Wynorski late night softcore movie. It has Julie Smith and her mind blowing body running wild so you know it's got to be good. Wynorski cut out a lot of filler to create a lean softcore flick that's heavy on sex and not much else. If you're up late one night and the "The Hills have Thighs" is on, it's worth a look. The women are savage and the breasts are abundant. You may want to stay lost in these hills.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 Julie Smith hills and thighs

There's gold in those hills.

"One-Eyed Monster" review

One-Eyed Monster (2008)

Director: Adam Fields
Writers: Adam Fields Jordan Fields

Amber Benson ... Laura
Jason Graham ... Jonah
Charles Napier ... Mohtz
Jeff Denton ... Jim
Caleb Mayo ... T.J.
Bart Fletcher ... Lance
Jenny Guy ... Wanda
Veronica Hart ... Veronica
John Edward Lee ... Rock
Carmen Hart ... Angel
Frank Noel ... Bus Driver
Ron Jeremy ... Ron

Ron Jeremy's one-eyed monster is on the loose. While making a porno up in the mountains, an alien spacecraft spots Ron's member and decides it needs to have it. The aliens send down a shaft of light which infests Ron's mind with thoughts of sex and depravity. Since Jeremy's mind is always infested with sex and depravity, the beam goes to work on detaching Ron's unit from his body. The one-eyed monster makes a run for it so it can go to work on impregnating all willing and unwilling females. The rest of the crew will have to figure out a way to stop Ron Jeremy's alien pecker from killing them all.

"One-Eyed Monster" is the second movie with a rampaging penis I've seen this month. I'm very proud to say that. "Bad Biology" also had a horny penis attacking every orifice it could penetrate. Maybe the monster pecker movie could become its own sub-genre in B-movies. For the penis is a monster that loves to run free and strike out into dangerous territory. A monster penis movie also makes it possible to show scenes of delirious exploitation.

Although you'd think a movie about Ron Jeremy's rampaging dick would lend itself to scene after scene of wild debauchery you'd be wrong. For a horror comedy about an alien possessed penis, "One-Eyed Monster" is deadly serious. Everybody in the movie plays it straight. It wasn't quite the alien pecker party I was hoping for. Once Ron's member breaks free, it makes a bee-line right for the one topless girl in the cast. After it finishes her off there are no other topless porno babes in sight. While it makes sense that Jeremy's monster couldn't resist the topless woman, it was not the right call for the filmmakers to make. They should have saved her until the end or at least killed a couple of the guys first.

I think that's the main problem with "One-Eyed Monster". It's a sausage party with too many guys hanging around the porno set. Charles Napier actually shows up for no reason so he can give a monologue about the penis monster he met back in 'Nam. There's a science dork who has perfected a machine that allows you to bang any chick in the world. There's also the egotistical director and the egotistical actor. But where are the women? How is Ron Jeremy' monster supposed to get all the action it can handle when you skimp out on the babes? Veronica Hart, (from the great "Amanda by Night"), shows up to put her MILF body to good use but it's not enough to save the movie.

Although "One-Eyed Monster" has some funny scenes and is well acted, (especially Jason Graham who plays his role in the alien penis movie with utmost sincerity), it doesn't need to be seen. It had a lot of potential but it doesn't take the time to explore the fantastic possibilities that Ron Jeremy's possessed penis had to offer. But if you do end up watching it,there's always some entertainment value when Ron Jeremy and his member show up.

One last thought, "One-Eyed Monster" fails in handling the single most crucial element in the film. The one-eyed monster does not look like Jeremy's penis. I've seen that penis in action and I can assure you that the rubber dick strangling people is not the legendary porn shaft we have all grown to admire. Ron Jeremy's member is not just a dangling piece of porno meat. It is THE dangling piece of porno meat. It's what we mortal men look up to. His mighty member was probably too scary for the filmmakers so they had to go for a stunt double. Ron Jeremy is a source of admiration and one day his proud pecker will be encased in gold for all the world to treasure. Well, maybe not but Ron Jeremy's one eyed monster is still pretty scary.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 Ron Jeremy monsters

The man.

The Myth.The Legend.

Is there anything he can't do?

"Blood Scarab" review

Blood Scarab (2008)

Director: Donald F. Glut
Writer: Donald F. Glut

Monique Parent ... Countess Elizabeth Bathory (as Monique T. Parent)
Del Howison ... Renfield
Brinke Stevens ... Professor Foran
Tony Clay ... Dracula
Natasha Diakova ... Mina
Cindy Pucci ... Tanya
Christina Morris ... Samantha
Angelica Monro ... Hathor
Ange Maya ... Hathor's Handmaiden
Veronica ... Hathor's Handmaiden
Jackeline Olivier ... Elana

Mia Zottoli... Hor Sep Sut (as Ava Niche)

Dracula and his wife, (Monique Parent), are getting bored with the constraints of being a vampire. After Dracula dies because he was peeping too long at some naked women, Monique decides she needs to find a way to stay in the sun. Her trusty man servant reads about some old B-movies like "The Mummy's Kiss" and learns that the key to immortality is a cheap mummy. Through a convoluted series of events, a mummy's naked soul is released and grants Monique the power to get a suntan on one condition. She must suck the blood out of three topless women. Monique is up to the task of pleasing her new goddess.

"Blood Scarab" is a pointless movie but it's still strangely watchable. There are many B-movie elements raging throughout the movie that gives you the illusion that an interesting movie is about to start. There are vampires, mummies, blood, random topless women, topless Egyptian goddesses, a flashback to a topless Mia Zottoli, and Monique Parent's legs. Surely something exciting is bound to happen. But after many false starts, it became apparent that the filmmakers weren't sure what kind of movie they wanted to make. It's neither fish nor fowl, softcore or horror. All they knew is that if there's a random topless women every ten minutes, the audience will stay awake until the end.

I rented "Blood Scarab" because I saw that Mia Zottoli was in it. This excited me because I hadn't seen a new Zottoli movie in awhile. But it turns out that Mia's appearance in the movie is just a flashback to a brief sex scene in "The Mummy's Kiss". At least "Blood Scarab" had the sense to get some naked scenes of Mia in the movie. But where is Mia these days? Somebody please bring her back to life. The B-movie world needs her. Well if not, I'd still appreciate it.

While Monique Parent's legs are amazing, "Blood Scarab" doesn't have enough vampire (or mummy) sleaze to demand a viewing. It can be skipped. Although if you do end up watching it, there is something gratifying about watching Monique use her long legs to seduce any female she lays eyes on. But none of the seduction scenes last long enough for pure lesbian vampire satisfaction. Monique sunk her fangs too quickly into their ample bosoms for my tastes. Mistress Monique needed to take her time and enjoy the perks of being a day-walking Egyptian vampire goddess.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Monique Parent legs

Mistress Monique and friend.

"Voodoo Dollz" review

Voodoo Dollz (2008)

Director: Fred Olen Ray
Writer: Fred Olen Ray

Christine Nguyen ... Christina
Beverly Lynne ... Jilly
Monique Parent ... Miss Dambahla
Charlie Laine ... Maria
Nicole Sheridan ... Sandra
Voodoo ... Jeff (as Alexandre Boisvert)
Syren ... Miss Santana
Kitty ... Meg (as Kitty Katzu)
Michelle Bauer... Miss Anton

Christine Nguyen is a bad girl. She gets caught having sex with another naughty girl in her school locker room. They are both dressed in school girl uniforms and wearing pig tails so you know that they're extra naughty. Headmistress Michelle Bauer decides to punish her by sending her away to a boarding school for lesbian witches. I only wish Michelle had bent her over and given her a good spanking before she left. Once Christine gets to Monique Parent's school for horny lesbians, the witches welcome her to their sapphic coven. There is some nonsense about voodoo dolls and sacrifices but it's just filler to give you a little breather until the next lesbian scene gets started.

"Voodoo Dollz" is a Fred Olen Ray triumph. The key to its success can be summed up in two words: Lesbian sex. Sweet, beautiful, softcore lesbian sex. "Voodoo Dollz" embraces the most sacred rule of late night entertainment. For it is written: He who films pretty girls kissing each other is sure to find success after midnight on Cinemax. "Voodoo Dollz" has only one guy in it and that was one guy too many for my tastes. But at least it kept the men to a bare minium so the ladies could have their fun.

Oh and what fun it was. The first lesbian scene has Christine and Kitty making out in the locker room. This was a great scene which started the movie down the path to success. Michelle Bauer shows up and does not get involved with any of the women. This made me sad as I was hoping for some tender loving between her and Christine. But when the movie shifts to sapphic school, there's plenty of lesbian affection to keep you entertained. Christine and Nicole Sheridan have a good sex scene with the help of a voodoo sex toy. But the best sex scene was between Charlie Laine and Syren which is only marred by some idiotic guy peeping on them. Ray needs to stop interrupting the action with scenes of goofballs staring at the naked women. The last thing I want to see during an abundance of nipple licking is some grinning moron's face. Please, let's stop the madness. It's for the best.

But let's pause for a moment and reflect on what the ladies of Cinemax have meant to our lives. Where would we be today without these softcore divas to entertain us late at night? I'm talking about Beverly Lynne, Julie Smith, Nikki Fritz, Julian Wells, AJ Khan, Kim Dawson, Nikki Nova and many others who have sweat, screamed and moaned until we couldn't take anymore and went to bed. Women who fill our hearts with lust for the perfect female body and show us the proper way to make sweet love on a desk, chair or sofa. These women are invaluable to B-movies.

"Voodoo Dollz" proves that point as it would be completely worthless without the women. It's softcore movies like this that make you stop and realize the power these women have. Their very existence in a B-movie dictates whether it's going to succeed or fail. Christine Nguyen and friends know how to conjure up that softcore voodoo magic. The overdose of B-movie women in "Voodoo Dollz" ensures a pleasant late night romp.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 Cinemax bad girls

"Black Devil Doll" review

Black Devil Doll (2007)

Director: Jonathan Lewis
Writers: Shawn Lewis Mitch Mayes

Heather Murphy ... Heather
Natasha Talonz ... Natasha
Christine Svendsen ... Candi
Erika Branich ... Buffy
Precious Cox ... Bambi
Martin Boone ... White-T

A murderer on death row gets reincarnated as a black puppet. The power of Heather Murphy's giant white floppy breasts have brought him back to life. He saw those milky white beauties and knew he had to come back from the dead for them. It isn't long before Heather falls for the jive talking puppet and commences on a forbidden love affair. But one white girl is not enough for the Black Devil Doll. Soon he will make plans to have all of Heather's buxom buddies over to his pad so he can show them the horny black puppet loving they've been missing.

"Black Devil Doll" is about hot interracial puppet sex. Never before has a film had the courage to show in explicit detail the tender love making between a black puppet and white girls with giant breasts. "Black Devil Doll" doesn't concern itself with petty things like plot or characterization. These are elements for lesser films to worry about. "Black Devil Doll" just wants to give you the most puppet banging for your buck.

While "Black Devil Doll" was made to be offensive with its outrageous stereotypes and white girl puppet loving, it's too ridiculous to be taken seriously. There is nothing offensive about a black puppet stalking white girls and then raping their dead bodies. Well, maybe there is something offensive there. But this is a sleazy exploitation movie so you should know what you're getting into before watching it.

Heather Murphy is the Devil Doll's mistress and she is every Devil Doll's dream. She is large in every shapely corner of her beautiful curvy body. My God, we need more natural beauties like her in horror films. When the Devil Doll gets tired of Murphy's curvaceous body, he gets her to call over some more large breasted women. The rest of the movie has the Devil Doll stalking the women one by one.

The Devil Doll's stalking leads to one long exploitation scene as each white girl gets to ride the Devil Doll's wooden pole. The Devil Doll likes to kill them first and then penetrate as quickly as he can. All of this delirious sleaze culminates with a prolonged love making session with the large breasted girl he chased out of the shower. She couldn't resist him any longer even with blood streaming down her face. That's the power of the Devil Doll.

"Black Devil Doll" is a fun, sleazy flick. It has plenty of naked women performing unspeakable acts on a black puppet. You don't get to see that kind of entertainment every day. It's worth a look.

One last thought, there was only one sleazy scene missing from this movie. Why wasn't there a three way scene? You could have had Heather gang up with one of her busty friends on the Devil Doll. Instant comedy. And instant lesbian gratification. Or you could have had a white devil doll come to life and join in the fun. Two puppets, one girl! See what this movie has done to me? When I close my eyes, I dream of puppet orgies. I'm not sure I mind either.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 horny devil dolls

"Bad Biology" review

Bad Biology (2008)

Director: Frank Henenlotter
Writers: Frank Henenlotter R.A. Thorburn

Charlee Danielson ... Jennifer
Anthony Sneed ... Batz
R.A. Thorburn ... Ex-Boyfriend (as R.A. The Rugged Man)
Ginger Starr ... Porn Model
Brittany Moyer... Vagina-Faced Model
Vicky Wiese... Hooker
Krista Ayne... Woman in Penthouse
Mar Sirivanh... Woman on Couch
Rachael Robbins... Woman in Kitchen (as Rachel Robbins)
Alicia Hastings... Woman in Closet
Jelena Jensen... Woman in Shower
Vladislav S.... Porn Model
Jzone... Dealer
Eleonore Hendricks... Crackwhore
Tina Krause... Herself
Carolyn Thompson... Vagina-Faced Model

A woman with seven clitorises is searching for the man who can satisfy her. On the other side of town, a man with a drug addicted super penis has to find a way to control his member. The woman's body is so advanced that after she has sex she gives birth to a mutated baby a couple of hours later. The man's super unit is so powerful that it can think for itself and will wander off in search of women on its own. These raging examples of bad biology must meet.

"Bad Biology" attempts to answer the age old question that keeps me up at night. How can mutated freaks of nature find love? As for seven clit Jennifer, she stalks the bars and clubs hoping someone can feed her vagina the loving it needs. Her accelerated baby production is an unfortunate side effect to her rabid love making but she doesn't let the mutants slow her down. As for 24 inch Batz, he is trying desperately to control his third leg before it winds up hurting someone. His python of love gives women unending orgasms. Jennifer needs orgasms to live. These two were made for each other.

"Bad Biology" also answers another important question. Namely, what kind of movie would director Frank Henenlotter want to make if he jumped back into the B-movie world? I now know the answer and can safely say that he is as much a freak as Jennifer and Batz. I always loved "Frankenhooker" and was hoping he'd come back for more blood, guts and sleaze. I was not disappointed.

You can take a quick look at the hilarious credits to get a general idea of where this movie is heading. You have Porn Model, Hooker, Crackwhore, Vagina-Faced model(!), and lots of "Woman" credits. Woman in closet, shower, kitchen, penthouse, etc. "Bad Biology" was filmed in NYC and feels like it was directed by a guy who spent a lot of time hanging out in Times Square in the 70's and 80's. Only an exploitation maniac could have made this movie.

Consequently, only exploitation horror fiends are going to enjoy this movie. It's amateurish acting and inept special effects only add to its sleazy charm. When the supreme penis detaches itself and goes on the hunt for love, its quest for naked women becomes a stellar B-movie moment. It all culminates when Jelena Jensen steps out of the shower and into the loving embrace of super penis. See a giant penis attack a topless Jelena! I was crying tears of joy.

"Bad Biology" is sleazy, nasty and completely ridiculous. Naturally, I enjoyed it. It will show you the lighter side of mutant sex. It has naked women, blood, guts and vagina faced models. And it also has plenty of orgasms both big and small. Mostly big. For what is the point of using your bad biology if you don't enjoy it?

SCORE: 3 out of 4 mutant orgasms

"The Telling" review

The Telling (2009)

Director: Nicholas Carpenter
Writer: Joe Lessard

Holly Madison ... Stephanie
Christina Rosenberg ... Amber (as Lola La Belle)
Nicole Zeoli ... Roxy
Najarra Townsend ... Brianna
Angela Davies ... Brianna's Mom (as Angela Nicholas)
Wesley Stiller ... Greg
Alyssa Price ... Megan
Sara Jean Underwood ... Tracey
Christina Iannuzzi ... Brittney
Jessica Rizo ... Tiffany
Ashley Noel ... Brandi

A hot babe sorority is having an initiation night for some plain looking girls at the Mansion. Since they caused the death of an average, typical, bland looking girl last year by mocking her revolting normalcy, they had to make up for it by letting three mundane, ordinary, common women try to join their supermodel sorority. Instead of having the pledges take part in a mud wrestling contest, (like any good sorority should), they decide they want each of them to tell them a scary story. The first story concerns an evil female doll and the love triangle that evil female dolls inevitably create. The second story is about a Hollywood star who takes a job in Europe with some maniacal fiends. The last story tells the tale of good girls gone bad when they prank call a psycho killer.

Hey, I've got a fourth scary story for you. It's about a guy who rents a horror movie that's jammed pack with Playboy Bunnies, filmed at the Mansion and yet not one single bunny hops out of her clothes for the entire movie. AHHHHHHH!!! I'm shaking at the very thought of it. I sure hope that nightmare never comes true. Oh wait, it did. It was called "The Telling".

"The Telling" is a typical B-movie hustle. It promises you Holly Madison and Playboy bunnies and instead you get three lame stories that have nothing to do with Holly or her Madisons. All I wanted was for Holly Madison to run around the Playboy Mansion while some buxom Girl Next Door chased her around with an axe. Was I asking too much? Once again, the answer is yes.

As a horror movie, "The Telling" has no chance of being scary. Knowing that the real story is happening back at the Mansion, the pledges lame attempts at horror fall flat even before they start talking. The only story that had a chance of being interesting was the evil female doll tale. If that had gone in a sleazy direction, it might have captured my interest. But it was routine and tedious as were the other horror stories.

I just don't understand why B-movie filmmakers cannot embrace the art of exploitation. How can you have a room full of Playboy bunnies and not know what to do with them? What was the point of this movie if not to involve Holly Madison in the horror flick? It's as if the filmmakers had one night to film the bunnies and then Hefner kicked them out. Holly couldn't leave the Mansion so they had to film the rest of the movie around their all night session.

"The Telling" can be skipped. It serves no purpose. It's not scary and it certainly is not titillating. The best thing I can say about it is that at least its filmed competently. It doesn't drag too much so the movie doesn't linger long enough to hurt you. "The Telling" almost feels like a vanity project but I can't imagine whose vanity would actually need it.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 sorority playmates

"Albino Farm" review

Albino Farm (2009)

Directors: Joe Anderson Sean McEwen
Writers: Joe Anderson Sean McEwen

Tammin Sursok ... Stacey
Chris Jericho ... Levi
Richard Christy ... Caleb
Duane Whitaker ... Jeremiah
Sunkrish Bala ... Sanjay
Nick Richey ... Brian
Alicia Lagano ... Melody
Kevin Spirtas ... Preacher
Christopher Michael White ... Jacob
Alex Neustaedter ... Samuel
Bianca Barnett ... Pig Bitch

A bunch of college students head out into the country to see how many rednecks they can deride before getting killed. The obnoxious leader of the group gets a tip about a local legend called the Albino Farm. He wants to check out this ghost story while the responsible girl in the group wants to stay far away from a farm that has Albinos. But because this is a horror movie they all eventually, (slowly, very slowly), end up at the farm. The legend turns out to be true as various freaks of nature attack them for no reason. Screams echo through the night as you bellow that you've wasted your time on another bland horror flick.

"Albino Farm" is an amazingly uninteresting movie. There's no glaring technical deficiency on display that would distract you from this exercise in hillbilly horror. But I wish there was because "Albino Farm" is severely lacking in entertainment value. It pummels you to death with every annoying horror movie cliche imaginable. From the clueless teens who can't wait to go into the spooky haunted house, to the creepy townsfolk scaring the teens, to the bored viewer watching this movie, it's all here.

If you've ever seen a hillbilly horror flick, you've seen a better movie than "Albino Farm". Everything happens exactly as you would expect. The teens drive into town, make fun of the hicks, sprint out to their early graves at the Albino Farm and the movie ends. There's not even any delirious exploitation scenes to praise. Couldn't we have had at least one freaky scene at the farm? "Albino Farm" is a waste of time. It can be skipped.

One last thought, there are actually two positive attributes to "Albino Farm" worth mentioning. The first one is its title. It's a good hillbilly horror title as it conjures up images of deformed freaks committing depraved acts at the farm. Well, at least it did for me. I felt there must have been something horrifying down on the Albino Farm. I was wrong.

The only other positive thing to say about "Albino Farm" is that it contains a spectacular credit for its main monster. "Pig Bitch". Pig Bitch, (Bianca Barnett), is the deranged beast who does most of the hunting and killing of obnoxious college students. Unfortunately most of the kill scenes were shot in almost complete darkness so it was hard to admire the Pig Bitch's work. The only thing that could have saved this movie is if they had changed the title to "Pig Bitch" and let the beast break away from the Albino Farm. She has too much blood lust to sit around waiting for fools to show up at the farm. Let the Pig Bitch run wild and we'll all be better for it.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 pig bitches

"Run! Bitch Run!" review

Run! Bitch Run! (2009)

Director: Joseph Guzman
Writers: Joseph Guzman Robert James Hayes II

Christina DeRosa ... Rebecca
Cheryl Lyone ... Catherine
Peter Tahoe ... Lobo
Johnny Winscher ... Clint
Ivet Corvea ... Marla
Mike Tursi ... Abe
Chenoa Mason ... Holly
Liz Porter ... Starla
Lori Soleil ... Nurse Betty

Catholic schoolgirls are going door to door selling bibles in a sleazy exploitation movie. Their pleated skirts don't stand a chance of surviving. It doesn't take long before they knock on the door of a violent drug dealer and interrupt his tranquil Addams family existence. They disturbed him just as he was dispatching one of his hookers to an early grave. This would have ruined his whole day but when you're a depraved drug dealing pimp, you tend to come up with creative ways to amuse yourself. A true predator needs to catch his prey so he decides to let Catherine, (Cheryl Lyone), run for it so he can rape her when he pounces on her. This level of misogynistic brutality has an adverse effect on the nice Catholic girl and turns her into a mute assassin bent on revenge. Let the exploitation movie homages run baby run.

"Run! Bitch Run!" is a calculated, deliberate attempt to make a retro exploitation movie. There is a 70's sleaze vibe that permeates every frame of this movie. The spirit of Quentin Tarantino hangs heavy over "Run! Bitch Run!". For that matter, the ghosts of exploitation movies past must have paid the director a visit in his dreams and told him to make this movie. "I Spit on Your Grave" and "They Call her One Eye" are two other "rape and revenge" flicks that will spring to your mind while watching Catherine get her revenge after she gets raped.

But when you hear "Grindhouse" music playing over most of the action scenes, you'll know that this movie was meant as a calling card for the filmmakers so that they could show their love for Tarantino, Rob Zombie and anyone else out there who has a fetish for 70's exploitation. "Run! Bitch Run!" feels like it was made to make the case that it should fill a slot in a possible "Grindhouse" sequel. I'm all for sleazy movies but we don't need to keep reaching back to the 70's to show us the way to exploit blood, sex and ultra violence. We've learned a lot from that golden age of exploitation but it's time to move on.

But since "Run! Bitch Run!" is overflowing with naked women, sordid violence and general miscreancy, I can forgive most of its flaws. Cheryl Lyone does a good job as the nice girl, (in a Catholic schoolgirl uniform with her hair in a bun selling bibles) who flips out into a cold blooded killer, (in a nurses uniform with her hair down selling death with a pump shotgun). Ivet Corvea is the crazed hooker who carries a lot of the exploitation scenes. I must also praise Ivet and her drug dealing girlfriend for their great make out scene. I was praying that the filmmakers wouldn't neglect the sheer beauty of watching two pretty girls kiss each other and they didn't let me down. There are a lot of other women who take the time to get into the swing of things and take their tops off as well.

So if you've seen all of the 70's "rape and revenge" flicks and need another fix, "Run! Bitch Run!" is worth a look. The filmmakers have done their homework and execute the 70's sleaze playbook step by step to make sure you get your fill of exploitation madness.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 nasty nurses - They call her Catherine

"Blood and Sex Nightmare" review

Blood and Sex Nightmare (2008)

Director: Joseph R. Kolbek
Writer: Joseph R. Kolbek

Julia Morizawa ... Amy (as Julia M. Morizawa)
Andy McGuinness ... Nick
Dan Petit ... Walter
Niki Rubin ... Girl with Pigtails (as Niki Notarile)
Lily St. Claire ... Girl in Intro (as Lilly St. Claire)
Laura Diozzi ... Girl at Campfire
Tina Krause ... Alicia

I was given this DVD as a Christmas present. When I went over to my friend's house in Pasadena to watch "Breaking Her Will", I received this thoughtful gift. It warms my heart to know that movies like "Blood and Sex Nightmare" seem like the perfect present for me. So I reciprocated his generosity by watching "Breaking Her Will" with him. He still hasn't recovered. I have hurt him once again.

"Blood and Sex Nightmare" is about blood and sex and a few nightmares. A couple decides to go to the most rundown, seedy looking adult retreat they can find. "Pleasure Mountain" looks like an abandoned summer camp that was left to rot. But pleasure is not to be found on this mountain as some random slasher is hiding in the woods ready to kill anyone who partakes in carnal delights. Amy, (Julia Morizawa), is having recurring nightmares of a blood soaked maniac stalking her. She's the only virgin on Pleasure Mountain so her chances of survival look promising. Anyone else who dares to rile up the slasher with their sexual hijinks will taste his blade right between their legs. Many sexual organs will be massacred before this vacation is over.

"Blood and Sex Nightmare" is a good example of a fun B-movie. It's cheap, shoddy, sleazy and downright entertaining. The title promises blood and sex and nightmares and it delivers on all three. There isn't a lot of wasted time in this movie as the couple hits the retreat fairly quickly so they can get the blood flowing. As Amy keeps rebuffing her boyfriends advances, we are treated to scene after scene of cheap depravity in the other cabins.

*GORE SPOILERS* One scene has a couple playing some light S&M, (naked woman tied to a chair), when the guy decides to chase off whoever is watching them outside. The mad slasher, (who apparently hates S&M), is waiting for him and proceeds to cut off the guy's penis so that he can teach him a lesson. He then takes the organ back inside to show the woman what she's missing. Another scene has the butcher interrupting a spanking session where some wholesome family role playing is going on. She was a bad girl and took her spanking from her "daddy". But the monster hates role playing too so she'll have to pay with blood to satisfy his desire for punishment. *END SPOILERS*

So with this much outrageous sleaze breaking out every ten minutes I can forgive the movie if it may be deficient in other areas. Acting, production values, special effects are all hovering at the usual rotgut B-movie level. But "Blood and Sex Nightmare" aims to please exploitation movie fans and in that respect it succeeds. I had a good time. It's worth a look.

One last thought, my only regret with "Blood and Sex Nightmare" is that Amy didn't turn into a sex freak at the end of the movie. I thought the ghost of Pleasure Mountain past would infest her mind with dreams of sexual excess but she stayed pure and fought temptation. I suppose only virgins survive horror movies. Amy must have figured that out too. Oh well. There was plenty of sleaze to go around even if Amy wanted to remain chaste amongst the freaks.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 spanked bad girls

"Breaking Her Will" review

Breaking Her Will (2009)

Director: Bill Zebub

Brian Joseph

Carl Williamson

Bill Zebub
Jackie Stevens ..Tortured Girl

I was sent this DVD. There's nothing like opening a mysterious package and seeing "Breaking Her Will" staring back at you. Let's me know that people out there care. Fun Fact: Not only was I not expecting a DVD, I had never talked to anyone involved in this movie as to whether or not I wanted to review it. These things happen when you call yourself Dr. Gore. S&M movies just magically show up at your door. When the sleaze comes a-knocking, you have to let it in.

So I took my prized movie over to my friend's house in Pasadena. The cover of this DVD has a woman blindfolded and gagged. This type of quality cinema needed to be shared. I didn't really think my friend would enjoy it mind you. But I wanted him to feel the fury of an S&M movie from Clifton, New Jersey. You just don't get these sent to you every day.

"Breaking Her Will" is the tender love story between a man and his slave. Some nut picks up a hitchhiker, (Jackie Stevens), and proceeds to break her will. He goes through the S&M motions with her, (you know, like needles in her flesh, raping her with bottles and generally not being nice), to see how much she can take until she obeys his every command. When he gets bored with her he ties her down on a wooden post. Then he heads upstairs so he can masturbate to videos of naked women tied to crosses. Typical crucification fetish. All the real psychos get off on that. Soon his nonchalant attitude toward torture becomes infectious as I start to lose all interest in his nefarious plans for this beaten women. Wills are broken and no one seems to care.

"Breaking Her Will" comes to us from Bill Zebub. I had reviewed a movie of his awhile back, "Kill the Scream Queen", which was a pleasant romp involving scream queens and their horrible, blood soaked deaths. Zebub is a one man sleaze machine and proud of it. He has a hand in every aspect of his movies. From writing, directing, producing and mailing out copies to B-movie reviewers, Zebub handles it all.

So knowing that Zebub is the driving force behind every creative decision in his movies, I wonder why he felt he needed to make this movie. It's not sleazy enough to be an S&M movie and it's not interesting enough to be a solid B-flick. So what is it and why am I watching it? Does he get off on filming crucified women? Why is this a recurring theme in his movies? Is this a cry for help to stop him before he films more naked women on crosses? What can be done to satisfy his insatiable lust to make sleazy movies with crucified women? I don't have any answers to the Zebub conundrum.

On the plus side, Zebub is not afraid to be offensive and fills his movies with as much nudity and lecherous situations as possible. Jackie Stevens deserves praise for her rampant nudity on display in this movie. What a trooper she is. But "Breaking Her Will" left me bored. It moves at a slow pace and doesn't end up anywhere close to interesting. I was expecting to be shocked by this movie but ended up with as much apathy toward torture as the crucifix loving psycho.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 crucified women

"Live Evil" review

Live Evil (2009)

Director: Jay Woelfel
Writer: Jay Woelfel

Tim Thomerson ... The Priest
Mark Hengst ... Benedict
Åsa Wallander ... Sydney
Ken Foree ... Max
Lee Perkins ... Officer Hicks

Cassie Courtland ... Hot Party Girl
Elissa Dowling ... Jerry the Bartender
Jenny Hendrix ... Naked Party Girl #1
Ann Marie ... Naked Party Girl #2
Marlie Moore ... Naked Door Girl
Kimberly Sanders ... Roxy
Tiffany Shepis ... Spider
Cherrae L. Stuart ... Cee

I was sent this DVD. Vampires are on the hunt for clean blood. Since human beings have been polluting their bodies with drugs, alcohol, fast food, etc, the blood supply has become tainted. Vampires are now forced to prey on each other or be on the lookout for other "pure bloods". A (very) wayward priest, (Tim Thomerson), is hunting a clique of vampires that are tearing their way across the country. The vampires are heading to Los Angeles to find a Blood Dealer that can supply them with the pure blood they desire. The priest, with his trusty samurai sword by his side, will try to finish them off before their bloodsucking lust consumes us all.

I usually end up trashing most movies that are sent to me. I was expecting more of the same with this movie. It was getting to the point where I wasn't sure why filmmakers even wanted to send me their movies in the first place. But I'm happy to tell you that I was entertained by this low budget vampire flick. "Live Evil" was a pleasant surprise. It's not often I get to say that so we must celebrate this exercise in B-movie madness.

"Live Evil" has all of the exploitation elements necessary to make an entertaining B-flick. It's got a vengeful priest, amoral vampires, naked women appearing at random intervals and plenty of blood to keep things moving along. Its only hampered by it's low budget. Some scenes needed some more money thrown at them to make them more effective. But then again, I suppose it wouldn't be a B-movie if it had the money. "Live Evil" did the best it could with what it had.

There are a couple of familiar B-movie faces who pop up during "Live Evil". When I heard that I was getting sent this movie, I told my friends that I had a Tiffany Shepis vampire flick heading my way. They were very excited. Unfortunately, this turned out to be false as Shepis is only in the movie for five minutes during a vampire party scene. I'm also sorry to report that there isn't any Shepis nudity but there are a few topless women roaming around the party. I also noticed that Elissa Dowling was in the movie as well. I almost didn't recognize her as she plays the bartender with a full beard (?). But when I saw the tattoo on her stomach I knew it was her. Ken Foree is the host of the party who brings all of the B-movie people together.

"Live Evil" is a fun and inventive vampire flick. There is plenty of blood, guts, and action to satisfy B-movie fans. I got a kick out of it. It's worth a look.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 dead evil