"Island Claws" review

Island Claws (1980)

Director: Hernan Cardenas
Writers: Jack Cowden Ricou Browning

Robert Lansing ... Moody
Steve Hanks ... Pete Adams
Nita Talbot ... Rosie
Jo McDonnell ... Jan Raines
Martina Deignan ... Lynn
Barry Nelson ... Dr. McNeal
Tony Rigo ... Joe
Raymond Forchion ... Jean (as Ray Forchion)
Dick Callinan ... Frank Raines

Why can't genetic experiments work like they should? They're always in a constant state of going awry. B-movie science produces a never ending stream of disastrous experiments. This in turn creates many monsters for the viewer to enjoy.

This time, science has goofed again and we get killer mutant crabs. The video box cover has a picture of a giant crab crushing a person in its mighty claws. The movie has lots of psycho normal-sized crabs and one large Styrofoam crab beast at the end. When you finally witness the spectacle that is a giant rubber crab attacking, you'll realize why the filmmakers kept it out of sight. They had to save it for the climax to prevent you from laughing all the way through the movie.

After suffering through "Tail Sting", I didn't have high hopes for "Island Claws". Since I was still in the mood to watch a giant animal attack, I had to jump back into the genre. Although "Island Claws" is nowhere near a good movie, it was more enjoyable than "Tail Sting". "Island Claws" is vaguely amusing. The battle with the giant crab at the end is good for a few laughs. Other than that, "Island Claws" is a typical B-flick. Nothing to get excited about as you'll forget the movie the second it's over.

While I found it a little amusing to see the giant crab prop get beaten up, I can't in good conscience recommend this movie. You probably shouldn't let your video renting plans for the evening go awry with "Island Claws".

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 angry crabs

"Tail Sting" review

Tail Sting (2001)

Director: Paul Wynne
Writers: Timothy Griffin Peter Soby Jr.

Laura Putney ... Dr. Jennifer Ryan
Robert Merrill ... Captain Jack Russell (Pilot) (as Christian Scott)
Shirly Brener ... Shannon
Gulshan Grover ... Yaffi
Tara Price ... Courtney
Jean Carol ... Flight Attendant Patti
Elizabeth Perry ... Jodie Shawback

My friend and I watched this one the other day. Giant scorpions are running amok on an airplane. They're being experimented on for some reason or another. A bunch of bad actors run around the plane as pathetic special effects snap at them with their rubber claws. There are various emergencies and sub plots that have nothing to do with scorpions but have everything to do with distracting you from thinking about all the time you're wasting watching this flick.

When "Tail Sting" was over, my friend and I discussed the merits of what we had just seen. It took about a minute before we came to an agreement. LANDFILL. Throw this garbage on the pile. Bash the foam scorpions over their muppet heads and toss them in. I'll rev up the bulldozer and bury them as deep as I can.

I don't think enough bad things can be said about this movie. Once again I expected too much from a B-movie. I wasn't expecting "Snakes on a Plane" but I was hoping there would be something amusing watching scorpions run around the cockpit. It would be tempting to call "Tail Sting" a comedy but that might imply I enjoyed it. "Tail Sting" is either trying to be a comedic take on monster movies or it is attempting to be as good as it can on its $500 budget. Either way, it was a disaster.

I'm not going to mince words here. "Tail Sting" is worthless. Why even attempt to make a monster movie when you know you can't possibly come close to making an entertaining film? The only way you could possibly like this movie is if you really love watching bad movies and get a laugh out of watching cheesy special effects in action. If that's your thing, you might get into "Tail Sting". As for me, I was in pain. Time to bury the muppet scorpions and move on.

SCORE: LANDFILL

"The Midnight Meat Train" review

The Midnight Meat Train (2008)

Director: Ryûhei Kitamura
Writers: Jeff Buhler Clive Barker


Bradley Cooper ... Leon
Leslie Bibb ... Maya
Brooke Shields ... Susan Hoff
Vinnie Jones ... Mahogany
Barbara Eve Harris ... Detective Lynn Hadley
Peter Jacobson ... Otto
Stephanie Mace ... Leigh Cooper
Ted Raimi ... Randle Cooper
Nora ... Erika Sakaki
Quinton 'Rampage' Jackson ... Guardian Angel

A photographer sets out to capture a shot of the real city. He's been criticized for running from danger so he decides to head out into the night to see what kind of trouble he can get into. It doesn't take long before he stumbles upon a mysterious butcher that likes to ride the subway train all night. The butcher is stalking his prey so he can turn the subway into a meat train. A midnight meat train if you will. Heads are crushed and eyes are gouged as the butcher goes about his business of preparing the meat for delivery. The photographer tries to convince someone that there's a madman loose in the subway but no one will listen to his insane ramblings. He knows he has to go all the way and follow the meat train to the end of the line.

I read this Clive Barker story many years ago and always thought it would make a cool movie. If nothing else, I wanted to see the words "Midnight Meat Train" on a movie theater marquee. I actually did get to see that as "Midnight Meat Train" played (very) briefly in one theater before shuffling off to video stores. I'm not sure why it didn't play in more theaters as it's a solid horror flick.

"Midnight Meat Train" is a fun, gory ride. It had everything I wanted in a mad butcher on a subway train movie. The butcher had a large bag of tricks to unleash on anyone foolish enough to be riding the subway at midnight. The meat train was soaked with blood and guts by the time it reached it's destination.

There's just something gratifying about watching a movie called "The Midnight Meat Train". Only horror fans would even think about checking this movie out. You know you're in good company. I had a good time watching the butcher go about his bloody business. It's worth a look.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 midnight butchers

"Overnight" review

Overnight (2003)

Directors: Tony Montana Mark Brian Smith

Jeffrey Baxter ... Himself (as Jeffrey 'Skunk' Baxter)
Emmanuelle Béart ... Herself (archive footage)
Chris Brinker ... Himself
Jake Busey ... Himself
Gordon Clark... Himself
Billy Connolly ... Himself
Jim Crabbe ... Himself
Willem Dafoe ... Himself
Vincent D'Onofrio ... Himself
Marie Duffy ... Herself
Robert Duffy ... Himself
Tate Duffy ... Himself
Taylor Duffy ... Himself
Troy Duffy ... Himself
Tyson Duffy ... Himself
Cassian Elwes ... Himself
Sean Patrick Flanery ... Himself
Jason Flom ... Himself
John Goodman ... Himself
Shaun Hill ... Herself
Ramses Ishak ... Himself
Jimi Jackson ... Himself
Ron Jeremy ... Himself
Matthew Modine ... Himself
Tony Montana ... Himself

Mark Brian Smith... Himself
Patrick Swayze... Himself
Mark Wahlberg... Himself
Sharon Waxman... Herself
Harvey Weinstein... Himself (as Harvey)
John West... Himself
Billy Zane... Himself

"Overnight" is the tale of a battle between two bullies. One, (Harvey Weinstein, ex-Miramax kingpin), does battle with arrogant newcomer Troy Duffy. Duffy becomes famous overnight when Weinstein awards him fame and fortune for his script for "Boondock Saints". Not only does Weinstein buy the script, he also lets Duffy direct the movie. The Hollywood dream gets sweeter for Duffy when a record company wants to sign his band as well. And just to add a little extra magic to the fairy tale, Weinstein agrees to buy the bar he used to work at, (J. Sloans, now Villa), and let him run it. Could life get any better for Duffy? What could possibly go wrong?

Well, apparently everything. It doesn't take long for all of this success to rush to Duffy's head and turn him into one of the most insufferable jackasses you've ever had the displeasure of meeting. His friends get together to film the making of "Boondock Saints" but instead end up making a documentary of a man corrupted by his own out of control hubris. Most of the documentary focuses on Duffy giving dead serious speeches to his friends about how great he is. His friends have that glazed over look in their eyes as they subject themselves to his endless tirades. Soon most of Hollywood is sick of him too but Duffy doesn't seem to notice. He's too busy being in love with himself to care.

One of the cliches used to describe Hollywood is "It's high school with money". "Overnight" certainly lives up to that description. Weinstein was in love with Duffy at some point but soured on him quickly. After watching this documentary, it's not hard to see why. But apparently when Weinstein sours on you, the rest of Hollywood does too. Duffy tries to keep the momentum going for "Boondock Saints" but keeps running into obstacles. He thinks that Weinstein is out to get him and is blackballing him. The bigger bully won this fight.

"Overnight" is painful to watch. It is agony watching Duffy talk about how fantastic he is and how he is going to rule Hollywood. I had to pause the DVD many times so I could take a break from Duffy's arrogance. But "Overnight" gives a frightening close-up look at a rampaging ego that makes it worth watching. I wanted to feel a little sorry for the guy but I couldn't do it. He dug his own grave and jumped in. Was Duffy always this arrogant or was it just the initial success that changed him into this pompous jerk? It's mind boggling that this guy could treat his friends this way. It's even more mind boggling that he actually wanted to film himself doing it.

But what's even more bewildering about this movie is why would anyone be friends with Duffy in the first place? How did this guy make friends at all? He seems like he would be a good drinking buddy. A lot of the scenes in the movie take place in J. Sloans as Duffy gets hammered night after night. But the minute he sobers up he becomes unbearable. I also wonder why his friends decided to release this movie. I can only assume that they are now his ex-friends. I'm sure Duffy has plenty of those.

One last thought, I have seen "Boondock Saints" and I thought it was OK. My cousins loved that movie and demanded I watch it with them. I thought it was a fair crime movie but "Boondock Saints" has certainly found an audience on video and DVD so maybe there is something to be said about Duffy's skills as a writer/director. The IMDb tells me that there is a "Boondock Saints II" in the works. Will there be an "Overnight 2" to complement the eventual release? Let's hope that Duffy has learned his lesson and stays behind the camera from now on.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 Duffys

"Thicker Than Water: The Vampire Diaries Part 1" review

Thicker Than Water: The Vampire Diaries Part 1 (2008)

Director: Phil Messerer
Writer: Phil Messerer

Devon Bailey ... Helen Baxter
Eilis Cahill ... Lara Baxter
JoJo Hristova ... Mom
Michael Strelow ... Raymond Baxter
Myles MacVane ... Max
Evan Lucas ... Mormon
Peter Morr ... Patrice Duchamp III
Anthony Morelli ... Dad
Samantha Phillips ... Mrs. Kerrigan

I was sent this DVD. My friend came over so that we could have a horror movie double feature. Nothing says good times like horror movie double feature. It was "Lights Camera Dead" followed by "The Vampire Diaries". I had been shamefully neglecting the DVD's that had been sent to me so I felt the need to have a blowout marathon. My friend agreed it was time for B-movie madness.

But the first step in any good movie marathon is Chipotle. We took out the GPS system so Karen, (the GPS has a female Australian accent), could tell us the most efficient route to Marina del Rey. But since I enjoy tormenting Karen, I often don't listen to her level headed instructions. "In point four miles, turn right at Fiji way. Turn right. I said turn right. Why don't you listen to me you idiot? Sigh.... Recalculating." That's right. I'm smarter than the satellite stalking me from heaven. At least I think I am.

So after dodging traffic accidents and a few missed turns, (why didn't I listen to Karen when I had the chance?!), we finally made it to the Chipotle oasis near the marina. After a satisfying burrito bowl and Negra Modelo, we moved the party over to Pinkberry. We ordered yogurts to go, (Is Pinkberry really yogurt? I don't know but it's tasty.), and headed back home. During the entire drive back, I ignored Karen's pleas to follow her course. She was recalculating throughout the entire trip. I was torturing her so bad with my indifference we had to power her down just to ease her recalculating mind before her mainframe blew and the satellite dropped from the sky.

We had just finished watching "Lights Camera Dead" and decided to jump right into "The Vampire Diaries". A Goth girl goes haywire when she realizes how much she hates her sister and proceeds to cast a spell on her. It's the dreaded Anne Rice curse. Her sister starts to get a nose bleed and doesn't stop bleeding until all the blood has drained from her body. The Goth girl immediately regrets her homicidal decision and wishes she could be with her sister again. As luck would have it, the sister returns from the dead as a vampire. The spell has turned the sister into the undead. She'll need a constant supply of blood to survive and her family is more than happy to help her get it. "The Vampire Diaries" asks the question: How much do you love your family? Would you still love your sibling if she turned out to be a blood sucking vampire? The good news for the vampire girl is that her family does care for her. The bad news is that I did not.

My friend and I had very different takes on this movie. He thought it was pretty good. Good acting, well shot, etc. He was ready to give it a three out of four. But I'm a picky man. I tend to be more critical. "Vampire Diaries" asks questions that I don't care about. This vampiric Addams family can crawl back to the gutter. I didn't care if the sisters learned to love each other again or if the brother could ever figure out what was wrong with his undead sister. By the end, I was so sick of listening to them whine that I wanted the sun to break into the house and melt the ghoulish sister.

While "Vampire Diaries" was a better made film than "Lights Camera Dead", neither one really held my interest. Both needed to embrace their B-movie roots and go for more outrageous horror scenes. Alas, it was not to be. They both tried their best at making a serious movie but I wasn't in the mood for their take on the horror genre. After Chipoltle and beer, you need to keep the party going. I'm an exploitation fan at heart and my double feature let me down.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 living dead girls

"Lights Camera Dead" review

Lights Camera Dead (2007)

Director: Tim Reaper
Writers: Monica Reaper Tim Reaper

Wes Reid... Ryan Black
Amy Lollo... Kari Price
J.C. Lira... Steven Didymus
Monica Moehring... Melanie
Coldon Martin... Ted
Ashby Brooks... T-Love
Stephanie Caston... Kari's mother
Richard Christy... The Composer

I was sent this DVD. My friend came over so that we could have a horror movie double feature. Nothing says good times like horror movie double feature. It was "Lights Camera Dead" followed by "The Vampire Diaries". I had been shamefully neglecting the DVD's that had been sent to me so I felt the need to have a blowout marathon. My friend agreed it was time for B-movie madness.

But the first step in any good movie marathon is Chipotle. We took out the GPS system so Karen, (the GPS has a female Australian accent), could tell us the most efficient route to Marina del Rey. But since I enjoy tormenting Karen, I often don't listen to her level headed instructions. "In point four miles, turn right at Fiji way. Turn right. I said turn right. Why don't you listen to me you idiot? Sigh.... Recalculating." That's right. I'm smarter than the satellite stalking me from heaven. At least I think I am.

So after dodging traffic accidents and a few missed turns, (why didn't I listen to Karen when I had the chance?!), we finally made it to the Chipotle oasis near the marina. After a satisfying burrito bowl and Negra Modelo, we moved the party over to Pinkberry. We ordered yogurts to go, (Is Pinkberry really yogurt? I don't know but it's tasty.), and headed back home. During the entire drive back, I ignored Karen's pleas to follow her course. She was recalculating throughout the entire trip. I was torturing her so bad with my indifference we had to power her down just to ease her recalculating mind before her mainframe blew and the satellite dropped from the sky.

Now I was ready for "Lights Camera Dead". A low budget film crew is trying to complete their zombie flick but little things keep preventing them from achieving success. You know, like money, time, reality, etc. When a disobedient editor tries to get the filmmakers to concede that they only have enough footage for a short film, this leads to murder and a brilliant idea. They decide to add some footage to the film by attacking their hated actors and filming the carnage. There's nothing more dangerous than a determined B-movie director. The actors will pay a heavy price for daring to slow down the movie making machine.

"Lights Camera Dead" is what I would refer to as a camcorder movie. The kind of B-flick that is made in the backyard with a bunch of friends over a long weekend. It's hard to take the hammer to these kind of movies as it's obvious that the people involved are movie fans just trying to take a stab at producing some low budget thrills. But it's even harder to say nice things about it because it is clearly made in somebody's backyard with a bunch of friends over a long weekend.

I tried to give in to "Lights Camera Dead" and it's cheap charm but it was no use. I was hoping for a simple zombie movie but the filmmakers really went out of their way to make an unnecessarily convoluted story. Well, it wasn't that convoluted but it took about an hour before anything remotely horror related happened. The rest of the movie is trying to treat us to the trials and tribulations of making a low budget movie. There are no zombies in "Lights Camera Dead", only filmmakers with insatiable bloodlust. This wasn't the horror movie I wanted to see.

Speaking of horror, where was it hiding in "Lights Camera Dead"? There's nothing scary or particularly gory about the movie. The only thing horrifying about the movie was the fact that they let the woman with the largest breasts keep her top on throughout the entire movie. [Side note: A female reader recently asked me why I wanted every B-movie to have topless women in it. The answer is obvious. They make every pointless movie a little better. If I can't find anything good to say, I can always look back on the breasts. A topless scene lets me know that the filmmakers care.] But "Lights Camera Dead" shamefully kept their lead actress clothed so I must scold it for that.

Overall, I wasn't satisfied with "Lights Camera Dead". It need a little more exploitation, a little more gore and a lot more horror to make it a solid B-movie. But I had some Chipotle so the evening wasn't a total loss. My friend looked a little beat up after this one but after a five minute break we were back at it. The marathon goes on...

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 fully clothed dead babes

"Friday the 13th" review

Friday the 13th (2009)

Director: Marcus Nispel
Writers: Damian Shannon Mark Swift

Jared Padalecki ... Clay Miller
Danielle Panabaker ... Jenna
Amanda Righetti ... Whitney Miller
Travis Van Winkle ... Trent
Aaron Yoo ... Chewie
Derek Mears ... Jason Voorhees
Julianna Guill ... Bree
Willa Ford ... Chelsea
America Olivo ... Amanda

A bunch of college students head to Camp Crystal Lake to do drugs, get laid and commit other sins that disturb the resident psychopathic monster Jason. A brother of one of the doomed partygoer's heads to the lake to find his sister after her encounter with the madman. A new batch of kids lands at the lake only to find their party disrupted by a hockey masked killing machine. Voorhees finds fresh meat has been left at his door and stalks them with ruthless efficiency. Jason will not rest until he slashes his way through every human who dares to annoy him by being alive in his presence.

"Friday the 13th" was about what I expected. It followed all of the slasher movie rules. There were topless women getting hacked, dealing in weed led to instant death and basically anyone caught breathing near Jason was marked for extermination. But while the kills were plentiful, they were lacking in ghoulish imagination. Other than the girl being roasted in her sleeping bag, the rest of Jason's slaughter felt like a retread of his greatest hits. His machete got a workout but after the third skull was split open it got a little tiresome.

Still, it's nice to see that the filmmakers at least tried to make this sequel scary. Jason had been turning into a joke over the years and he needed to get back to his sleazy slasher roots. I also liked the fact that they ran Jason through all of the stages of his 80's slasher style. He shows up as a boy in the beginning, (Part 1), segues into his bag over the head look, (Part 2) and then finally settles on his beloved hockey mask, (Part 3 through infinity). Jason dispatched these college kids with his usual workmanlike blood lust and bodies were eradicated in a timely manner.

Although you'd think that Jason's coming home party to Camp Crystal Lake would be a little more over the top. "Friday the 13th" ran through the slasher movie motions and delivered the bare minium of what was expected of it. But even though some more thought could have been put into the violent scenes, I still had a good time watching Jason run wild through the woods. The filmmakers have hit the reset button on Voorhees so a new generation can have nightmares over this maniacal boogeyman. Sounds like fun to me.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 Voorhees

"Sharks in Venice" review

Shark in Venice (2008)

Director: Danny Lerner
Writer: Les Weldon

Stephen Baldwin ... David Franks
Vanessa Johansson ... Laura
Hilda van der Meulen ... Lt. Sofia Totti
Giacomo Gonnella ... Vito Clemenza
Ivaylo Geraskov ... Rossi
Atanas Srebrev ... Captain Bonasera

I saw "Sharks in Venice" with my brother and my friend. Watching sharks eat their way through the canals of Venice seemed like a reasonable enough plan for a Friday night. But when I pulled up to the house in Pasadena, they were nowhere to be found. It turns out they were ahead of the curve and had been drinking for most of the day. By the time they returned to the shire, they were almost completely sloshed. They knew that "Sharks in Venice" needed some serious self-medication to help ease the pain. I only wish I had followed their lead.

So there are sharks in Venice and no one cares. Stephen Baldwin gets called over to Italy after his dad disappeared down a shark's throat. Venice proves deadly for Baldwin as he is attacked by wave after wave of outrageous Italian stereotypes. Detective Carbonara and Police Captain Gorgonzola try to help Baldwin with his shark problem. All the while the Mafia is hot to get Baldwin in the water so he can retrieve the lost treasure of something or other. Kidnappings, gun fights and even an occasional Venice shark attack liven up the proceedings as Baldwin does battle with the Mafia and miles of shark stock footage. Capiche?

"Sharks in Venice" was predictably terrible. I shouldn't be surprised about this but somehow I am. You'd think that the impetus for pretending to make this movie would be for the cast and crew to live it up for a weekend in Venice. It may shock you to hear that there aren't that many scenes actually set in Venice. It's just one cheap scene after another pounding you over the head until you beg for mercy. Why wasn't I drinking before unleashing this on myself?

All I wanted was a scene where a shark circles a gondola and jumps up to eat the gondolier as he's belting out a love song. Was I asking too much? Of course I was. The shark attacks in this stinker are an afterthought as the real "action" involves Baldwin doing battle with various Mafia henchmen. When there are shark attacks, they're scenes from (cheap) National Geographic specials or they're (even cheaper) special effects. There was a boat attack scene but it was rendered so ineptly it doesn't count. It was the only scene worth spending more than ten bucks on but the filmmakers couldn't be bothered with such trivial details as making something interesting happen.

So unless your drinking heavily and want to laugh at Baldwin fumble his way around shark-infested Venice, you can let this one go.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 Venetian sharks

"Anaconda III" review

Anaconda III (2008)

Director: Don E. FauntLeRoy
Writers: Nicholas Davidoff David C. Olson

Crystal Allen... Amanda
David Hasselhoff... Hammett
John Rhys-Davies... Murdoch
Patrick Regis... Nick
Anthony Green... Captain Grozny

I saw "Anaconda III" with my brother. I gave him a choice between indulging in David Hasselhoff attacking giant snakes or watching "Bottom Feeder" so that we could observe the spectacle that is Tom Sizemore attacking a rat monster. Actually, it was no choice at all. When you have a chance to watch Hasselhoff put an anaconda in a headlock, you have to jump right in. It was snake time.

A giant anaconda may hold the key to curing diseases. They have it locked up in a laboratory so that it can have plenty of opportunities to escape. Haven't these people ever seen a B-movie before? Never put a monster in a laboratory. It's guaranteed disaster. Sure enough the snake plows through many different scientists as it makes its way to freedom. But this snake didn't count on the Hoff. Hunter Hasselhoff and other digestible actors gets called in to hunt down the ravenous beast.

"Anaconda III" is one of those movies that just sort of happen. You rent it, you put it in the DVD player, you turn it on and the movie starts. An hour and half later it's over with no lingering side effects of joy or despair. It seemed like a good idea at the time. My brother and I agreed "Anaconda III" was a movie. That was about as positive as we could get.

"Anaconda III" has nothing to do with the first two movies in the series. Both "Anaconda" and "Anaconda II" were very enjoyable giant snake flicks. But even the mighty Hasselhoff cannot save "Anaconda III" from pure straight to video mediocrity. The snake effects are disgraceful. Theoretically they were hunting a giant snake but it looked more like a giant garden slug zipping by at a hundred miles an hour. If snakes really moved this fast they would have taken over the world. Even Hasselhoff would have been no match for them.

"Anaconda III" is a typical giant snake movie. It exploits the "Anaconda" franchise to rope in a few suckers to rent their cheap flick. There were a couple of gory parts to it which succeeded in keeping my brother and I vaguely interested. But when the blood stopped gushing we went back to sleep. Still, it does have that icon of cheese Hasselhoff in it which is always good for a laugh or two.

So if you want a good giant snake movie, check out the first two "Anaconda" flicks. But if you just can't resist the magnetic tractor beam that is a Hasselhoff snake movie, do what my brother and I did and jump right in. Have no fear for Hasselhoff is here.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Hoffs

"Bottom Feeder" review

Bottom Feeder (2006)

Director: Randy Daudlin
Writer: Randy Daudlin

Tom Sizemore... Vince Stoker
Wendy Anderson... Krendal
Richard Fitzpatrick... Charles Deaver
Amber Cull... Sam
Martin Roach... Otis
James Binkley... Nathaniel Leech
Simon Northwood... Wilkes

Tom Sizemore and his cleaning crew go to an abandoned hospital to take out the trash. Little do they know that a diabolical madman has turned a scientist into a carnivorous rat monster. Yes. That's right. I said a diabolical madman has turned a scientist into a carnivorous rat monster. The scientist was injected with a serum that makes you turn into anything you eat. So naturally, he finds time to chow down on a rat. He's now the Bottom Feeder. He wants to eat Tom Sizemore so he can turn into a real man. No one, but no one, takes a bite out of Sizemore and lives to tell about it. It's on.

Ahh Tom Sizemore. I've enjoyed watching his antics in many films. He was great in "True Romance", pleasantly insane in "Natural Born Killers" and ruthlessly efficient in "The Relic". Now there's "Bottom Feeder". It's a movie title that affords you many opportunities to make disparaging remarks but I'll control the urge. I don't know how Sizemore made his way to B-movie land but it's a testament to his skill that he still gives it his all as he's battling beasts in basements as only he can.

"Bottom Feeder" is a perfectly acceptable B-movie. I enjoyed watching Sizemore and friends sprint across a cheap set as a guy in a rat costume chased them around. It's a relief that "Bottom Feeder" didn't bother with cheap CGI and instead went for cheap makeup effects. That's really the key to enjoying a monster movie. You have to have a guy in a rubber suit attacking people. The bottom feeder attacked every human he saw, blood gushed out of their necks and everybody was happy.

"Bottom Feeder" is worth a look if you're in the mood for a monster movie. I wouldn't say it's Tom Sizemore's best movie but it's always nice to have a real actor show up to wreck havoc on evil abominations. Any movie is a better with a little Sizemore in it. Sometimes rat monsters deserve to fight the best. The best didn't show up but Sizemore was available. "Bottom Feeder 2"? It just wouldn't be a rat monster movie without him.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 rat monsters

"Cheerbleeders" review

Cheerbleeders (2008)

Director: Peter Podgursky
Writer: Peter Podgursky

Chelsey Dailey... Kacee
Wyatt Fenner... Devon
K.C. Gleason... Cheerbleeder
Jennifer Hodel... Wendy
Mike Horton... Randy (as Mike Horton II)
Jake House... Andy
Jaclyn Lyons... Christie
Emily Pennington... Cheerbleeder
Peter Podgursky... Announcer
Monique Soltani... Herself
Laurel Vail... Penny

I was sent this DVD. The director wanted me to check out his USC thesis film. Being the responsible adult I am, I felt compelled to take an interest into what our young people are up to. Specifically, what are they teaching USC students about film these days? "Cheerbleeders" may have the answer.

I've never reviewed a short before, ("Cheerbleeders" runs about eleven minutes long), so I'm not entirely sure how to go about this. I know that people reading this are not going to be able to rent this film so my usual routine of giving a score on the movie is not going to count for much. But that never stopped me before so here goes.

The least popular girl in school brings an ancient urn to show and tell. The urn holds black sludge which can turn anyone who gets smothered with it into an immensely attractive person. Her geeky friend gets covered in the magic slime and goes mad with power as the cheerleaders throw themselves at him. This all leads to a blood orgy in which the cheerleaders tear apart the hated football team. Heads fly and blood gushes as the cheerbleeders run wild.

I found "Cheerbleeders" to be a pleasant way to spend 11 minutes. The friends I saw this with didn't quite feel the same as me. Since "Cheerbleeders" was obviously made to be a calling card for the director, (it has his phone number and email on the disk), I had to ask them what they thought of his future in the film business. There were the usual derogatory remarks such as, "No chance." and "It was like a Buffy episode without the good parts." and "It's amazing how those locations looks in no way like the USC campus." They were a tad negative on the young director's future.

But I think that's slightly unfair. As a horror fan, I can assure you that I've seen hundred times worse than this. What's interesting here is why you would make your thesis film a cheesy B-movie. There's one thing I know for sure. You don't have to go to college to make B-movies. "Cheerbleeders" shows its love for B-movie insanity and Sam Raimi in almost every scene. "Evil Dead" has probably inspired more horror fans to go to film school than any other horror film out there. But there was no Bruce Campbell in this one to take it over the top.

Overall, "Cheerbleeders" is a perfectly acceptable eleven minute flick. What do I see in the future for this USC grad? My only advice is this: Don't try to be another Sam Raimi, John Carpenter, Wes Craven or George Romero. We already have one of each and we don't need another. Oh, and be sure to have at least one scene of topless women kissing each other in your next movie. Guaranteed boffo box office. Well, maybe not but at least I'll like it.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 cheerbleedersGo Trojans, go.

"Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead" review

Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead (2006)

Director: Lloyd Kaufman
Writers: Daniel Bova Gabriel Friedman

Jason Yachanin ... Arbie
Kate Graham ... Wendy
Allyson Sereboff ... Micki
Robin Watkins ... General Lee Roy
Joshua Olatunde ... Denny
Caleb Emerson ... Carl Jr.
Rose Ghavami ... Humus / ACB Dancer
Khalid Rivera ... Paco Bell
Joe Fleishaker ... Jared (as Mega Herz)
Lloyd Kaufman ... Mature Arbie
Ron Jeremy ... Crazy Ron

Zombies are attacking and they're hungry. This time it's not brains they seek. It's chicken. Lots of fast food chicken. Arbie is pining for his recently turned lesbian ex-girlfriend Wendy. (Arbie? Wendy? Get it? Oh man, those Troma jokers slay me). Arbie decides to take a job at the newly opened chicken restaurant to impress his beloved. Little does he realize that the chicken shack was built over a graveyard. This leads to various foul and nauseating scenes as our intrepid hero must deal with all kinds of bodily fluids, (blood spray, piles of puke, excrement splatter), as the zombies will have their revenge on the mindless consumers of fast food.

"Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead" is easily the best zombies attacking after eating contaminated fast food movie that I've ever seen. It also holds the even rarer distinction of being one of the best Troma movies I've seen. Of course I can't really say that I've seen many Troma flicks as I wouldn't consider myself a fan of Tromaville. I never got into the Troma brand of juvenile gross-out humor. This all goes back to the time when I drove to a college campus to see "Sgt. Kabukiman N.Y.P.D." and was ready to charge the projector booth so I could burn the film. After that soul scarring experience, I decided to let Troma go on without me.

But there was something about chicken zombies that told me that "Poultrygeist" might be worth checking out. Once the zombie infection spreads to the customers, the movie kicks into blood and guts overdrive as bodies are ripped and shredded with gleeful abandon. There are also plenty of make out scenes with Wendy and her new girlfriend as Kaufman seems to have a fascination with watching pretty girls kiss each other. I can't blame him for that.

Although I can blame him for his insistence on having disgusting scenes of bodily malfunctions. There's a horrid scene where an obscenely fat man runs into the bathroom so we can hear, (and eventually see), him take a massive chicken dump. This was something I never needed to see but the Troma people just can't seem to control their instinct to be distasteful. I also wasn't aware that there was going to be singing and dancing numbers spontaneously breaking out. But after my initial shock subsided, I started to get into watching Kaufman sing and dance his way into our hearts.

But what is the deeper meaning of this disgusting movie? What words of gory wisdom is it trying to impart to the unwashed masses? Is it suggesting that fast food is an evil enterprise and that by supporting it we are creating an army of zombies? This anti business tirade is interesting coming from a man who spent the first ten minutes of the movie complaining about Chinese pirates eating into his company profits. Would the Troma people be happy if we forsake fast food for fruits and vegetables? What diet do the folks in Tromaville stick to so that they have enough energy to make these nasty flicks? These and other questions bounced through my head as I watched the chicken zombies run wild.

One last thought, after the movie was over I drove out and had some fast food chicken. Take that "Poultrygeist"! I'll never give up delicious Chipoltle no matter how many zombies attack me! Although I'm not sure if Chipoltle counts as fast food but it is really good food. And fast.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 blood soaked chicken lovers

"Super Ninja Doll" review

Super Ninja Doll (2007)

AKA Super Ninja Bikini Babes

Director: Fred Olen Ray
Writer: Cyrus Nickleby

Christine Nguyen... Eriko / Super Ninja Doll
Nicole Sheridan... Tantella
Beverly Lynne... Marsha
Voodoo... Jim (as Alexandre Boisvert)
Syren... Megan
Evan Stone... Gorath
Kitty... Yumi (as Kitty Katzu)

Two diabolical porn stars want to invade Earth so that they can have lots of sex. Super Ninja Doll to the rescue! A galactic storm is all the excuse they need to break into our dimension so that they can unleash their nefarious plans. Christine Nguyen is the hot schoolgirl, (wearing a short skirt and pigtails just in case we forget she's supposed to be a schoolgirl), who obsesses over her Super Ninja Doll comic book. The evildoers unleash their cosmic power upon her comic so that they can spring to life.

"Super Ninja Doll" tries to emulate a typical anime by having their main character look and act like a horny geek who loves sex and violence soaked comic books, (or manga if you want to get exact). Unfortunately these movies are on the soft side and couldn't possibly compare to a real anime. So then you're stuck with the usual Fred Olen Ray cast of characters going through the sex flick motions while taking post coital breaks acting as geeky as possible.

Nicole Sheridan's henchman, (Evan Stone), is dressed like a sex crazed lego hulk.He needs to recharge his galactic gonads by having sex with any available female. There are three sex scenes with the lego hulk and they're all ridiculously terrible. There's just something unappealing about watching a guy with lego's on his body dry humping women. Some men like to keep their boots on while going at it. Other guys just can't let go of their legos.

Another fetish in anime is to show off the Asian schoolgirls and their white panties. "Super Ninja Doll" doesn't disappoint in this area as we get to see Christine flash her industrial strength panties at us on numerous occasions.This panty obsession leads to one of the few good sex scenes as Christine and another schoolgirl have sex on some desks. There was a lot of kissing on the desks which we all know is the key to a good lesbian sex scene. I just wish Christine's friend, (Kitty), didn't have such a child's body, (no breasts at all), but I suppose that's exactly why she was picked.

While I can give "Super Ninja Doll" some points for trying to be creative, we all know that these movies come down to the sex scenes and this doll is defective. There are only two decent sex scenes in the movie. Besides Christine's party on the desks, there's a three way with her, Beverly Lynne and Beverly's boyfriend which is pretty good. All of the other sex scenes are lacking.

So if you really need to see a ninja doll do battle with lego wearing porn stars, you can probably catch it on late night cable. But if you're looking for a solid softcore flick, "Super Ninja Doll" can be skipped.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 bad ninja dolls

"Hell Ride" review

Hell Ride (2008)

Director: Larry Bishop
Writer: Larry Bishop

Larry Bishop ... Pistolero
Michael Madsen ... The Gent
Eric Balfour ... Comanche / Bix
Vinnie Jones ... Billy Wings
Leonor Varela ... Nada
Michael Beach ... Goody Two-Shoes
Laura Cayouette ... Dani
Julia Jones ... Cherokee Kisum

Pistolero, (Larry Bishop), wants revenge. Many years ago a beautiful woman was murdered by a rival motorcycle gang and he has vowed to track them down. There are plenty of topless women hanging around to help pass the time until their eventual showdown. Through a convoluted series of double crosses, Pistolero weeds out the traitors in his gang so that he and Michael Madsen can blow away their rival scumbags in peace. Blood, beer and babes. The three B's of bikers are in full effect.

Although I consider myself a student of exploitation movies, one genre I never really got into was the motorcycle gang movie. I assume the appeal is to watch guys act tough, curse, beat each other over the head and then carry a topless babe back to the bedroom. But what if you know they're just pretending to be tough guys? I'm watching "Hell Ride" thinking how these guys must have found a sucker to bankroll their movie so they could live out their fantasies of riding bikes through the desert while hard bodied women do their every bidding. Not a bad job if you can get it but it doesn't make for much of a movie.

But if you really want to understand why this pointless movie exists, one has to look no further than the credit that blares over the title: "Quentin Tarantino presents". "Hell Ride" tries to keep the momentum going from "Grindhouse" but writer/director/star Larry Bishop is no Tarantino. However, one must give credit where it's due. It takes a real man to write scenes where he gets to roll around with three naked women and have every female drooling over his biker body. Clearly, it's good to have friends in high places as they will make your fantasies come true but can't guarantee that anyone else will want to watch them.

"Hell Ride" is a mid-life crisis masquerading as a movie. It certainly has some pleasing B-movie elements but it reeks too much of a vanity project to be taken seriously. But if you live for motorcycle gang flicks, you might want to check it out as I don't think we'll be seeing any more of these movies anytime soon. It clocks in at 85 minutes so it won't drain too much of your life away. And don't worry about getting any permanent mental scars as "Hell Ride" is instantly forgettable. It's fading away into the sunset even now...Vroom, vroom, vroooooom....

SCORE: 2 out of 4 bad motor scooters

"Feast II: Sloppy Seconds" review

Feast II: Sloppy Seconds (2008)

Director: John Gulager
Writers: Patrick Melton Marcus Dunstan

Jenny Wade ... Honey Pie
Clu Gulager ... Bartender
Diane Goldner ... Biker Queen
Martin Klebba ... Thunder
Carl Anthony Payne II ... Slasher
Tom Gulager ... Greg
Hanna Putnam ... Secrets

I headed over to Burbank to watch "Feast II". My friend had spotted it in my Netflix queue and wanted to get in on the action. I'm all for sharing the B-movie experience as many a movie has been saved by having someone else there to yell at the screen. This had to be a classic Burbank experience so we had to have some Chipoltle first. Remember, real men eat burrito bowls before watching monster movies. If the movie stinks, at least you get some quality dinner first.

After a fine chicken burrito bowl experience, we headed back to my friend's apartment. His roommate and a big, black dog also wanted to indulge in some B-monster mayhem. The more the merrier. So with the help of a large shot of Jameson's and some beer we settled in to watch "Feast II". The monsters from the first "Feast" are back and they're silly. This time they are running amok inside a town. Another group of misfits band together to try to out smart the beasts. That'll be tough since the monsters seem to have more brains than any of them. There's another girl who traps herself in a store and then tries to break out again and again for no apparent reason. Then there's a guy hiding in a jail, some other people get killed and ahh who cares?

"Feast II" is not as nearly as much fun as it should have been. It's got midget wrestlers, catapults, topless motorcycle babes, and tons of blood, puss, and general monster fluids flying everywhere. But I'm watching this freak show and wondering what the point of all this mayhem is. Of course, there is no point other than to indulge the filmmakers desire to be as goofy as they want to be. The filmmakers of a superior monster movie have insisted on making their sequel so mind numbingly pointless that it's near impossible to enjoy the mishmash of B-movie elements being hurled at the screen.

But the real letdown with "Feast II" is that they are so preoccupied with being as juvenile as possible that they forgot that they were making a monster movie. There is nothing scary about "Feast II". The monsters are an afterthought as one ridiculous scene rolls into another. There is an extended monster autopsy scene which captures the moronic heart and soul of this movie. As one idiot dissects the beast, monster fluids keep spraying on the people gathered around the corpse. This scene drags on so that everybody gets a good soaking. What's the point you ask? It's hilarious of course! Aren't you laughing at all the monster guts being tossed around? I hope you were because I wasn't.

I was waiting for a horror movie to start but it never did. The first "Feast" movie was a great monster flick with plenty of blood and guts to keep everyone happy. "Feast II" lets the filmmakers off the chain so that they can make the most haphazard B-flick they can dream up. It's a collection of exploitation scenes held together by horny midgets and angry biker chicks.

So if you love flicks with midget wrestlers who hang out with tattooed biker women, look no further. But if you really liked the first "Feast" and its endless monster carnage, you'll be let down by this aimless exercise in B-movie excess.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 sloppy feasts

"Gutterballs" review

Gutterballs (2008)

Director: Ryan Nicholson
Writer: Ryan Nicholson

Alastair Gamble ... Steve
Mihola Terzic ... Sarah
Candice Lewald ... Lisa
Nathan Dashwood ... AJ
Danielle Munro ... Julia
Stephanie Schacter ... Cindy
Saraphina Bardeaux ... Hannah

I was sent this DVD screener. Two bowling teams converge on an all night bowl-o-rama to have a death match. One team is filled with the most annoying, foul-mouthed cretins that have ever disgraced a horror movie. The other team has an assortment of punks, skanks and cross dressers. The cretins decide to get revenge on one of the girls from the other team and gang bang her up in the game room. The next night they come back to play again only this time a mysterious killer known as BBK crashes their party. This leads to many gory deaths as the bowling masked killer puts these worthless jerks out of their misery.

"Gutterballs" is an attempt to be a very sleazy 80's style slasher movie. The 80's cheeseball style of filmmaking saturates this movie. Just so you know where the filmmakers heads are at, they have their vicious rape scene play out while Loverboy's "Turn Me Loose" mixes ever so delicately with her screams. I'm shocked they didn't choose "Lovin' Every Minute Of It". And no classic arcade games in the game room? Where was Pac-man? Dragon's Lair? Dig Dug? Gorf? You call this an 80's homage? After the gang bang, they should have driven home to watch "The A-Team" and then played Dungeons and Dragons all night. What a night of debauchery that would have been.

So as the losers keep bowling and cursing their brains out, a few find a way to separate from the pack so they can be viciously slaughtered. The bowling bag killer uses all the instruments of death that a bowling alley has to offer. All of the different ways a bowling pin can be used to penetrate the body are exploited with hedonistic abandon. People will squeal like a pig. And bleed like one too. As far as excessive gore, "Gutterballs" is not shy about spilling a few gallons of blood. I enjoyed all of the bloody payoff scenes. But I think I liked them more than usual because I was praying for these awful characters to die so I wouldn't have to listen to them anymore.

"Gutterballs" is a very obnoxious movie. The F-word was screamed more times in this movie than in "Scarface". I'm not one to care too much about language but this movie really started to grate my nerves. I'm talking "nails across the chalkboard" aggravate me. From the laughing hyena sidekick to the main scumbag who wanted his beer, I was praying for them to die a horrible death. Clearly, these characters were meant to be annoying morons but why make them so despicable that the viewer ends up begging for the movie to end?

That's a shame because I was really looking forward to watching this flick. I saw "Live Feed" from this director and had a blast watching it. It was very inventive in its depravity and had an interesting sleazy story. I figured that "Gutterballs" would follow along those same sleazy lines.

Unfortunately, I was disappointed in this one. I was hoping "Gutterballs" was going to be a fun, nasty slasher flick but it's not. There's nothing fun about this movie. It's definitely nasty but it's not fun. It becomes a chore to sit through as you listen to one moron after another find new excuses to say F--K. It should have been the F--KBB killer

"Gutterballs" is not a scary movie but it does try to shock you with it's many blood drenched kills. As a catalog of gory deaths, "Gutterballs" does deliver the blood and guts. There are also a few sex scenes as most of the women find a way to take their top off. But as a fun slasher flick, it's disappointing. You'll start hating the characters the second you see them strut in. When I started rooting for the BBK, that was a problem. When I started begging him to finish them off so the movie would end, that was a fatality.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Gutterballs

Dude, you cannot bring this negative energy into the tournament!

"Bikini Bloodbath Car Wash" review

Bikini Bloodbath Car Wash (2008)

Directors: Jonathan Gorman Thomas Edward Seymour

Dick Boland ... Dr. Zartan
Carmine Capobianco ... Coach Smith
Margaret Rose Champagne ... Scarlet
Robert Cosgrove Jr. ... The Chef
Sarah Dauber ... Mercedes
Dana Fay Ensalata ... Sam
Phil Hall ... Professor Shipwreck
Natalie Laspina ... Sharon
Sheri Lynn ... Lucy (as Sheri Toczko)
Natasha Nielsen ... Lonnie
Rachael Robbins ... Jenny
Debbie Rochon ... Mrs. Johnson

I was sent this DVD. I was slightly surprised that the filmmakers wanted to send me a copy of this sequel since I really didn't get into the first movie. I had watched the first "Bikini Bloodbath" while suffering through a near fatal bout of the flu. I drove to Vegas the next day with my friend and almost killed him too. I wrote about my near death experience in the review noting that I may not have been in the right frame of mind for a goofy slasher flick. The producer of "Bikini Bloodbath" was concerned about my health and wanted to see if I was well enough for round two with the bikini babes and their demented chef nemesis. Thankfully, the body and mind is now ready for more B-movie action.

But I since I was in and out of consciousness while watching the first bloodbath, I wanted to make sure I was completely lucid while watching this one. That's why I headed over to Burbank for a Chipotle rendezvous with my friends and had them pick up some whiskey and beer for a Bikini-movie night. We made our way back to their apartment where we met up with my friend's roommate and his big, black dog. After pouring some healthy shots of Jameson's, we settled in for the bloodbath at the car wash.

So Debbie Rochon is running a car wash. I thought she died in the first movie but I may have been hallucinating. The bikini girls work, scrub and basically jiggle around cars while loud metal music blasts on the soundtrack. Through a cheap series of events, the evil chef is resurrected and makes his way towards the babes of Rochon's wash. The ladies all head over to Debbie's pad for a car wash party where she yells and curses at them to shut up and get her more beer. The chef crashes the party and many bikini women will die horribly cheap deaths.

"Bikini Bloodbath Car Wash" is made by geeks for geeks. You know the geek factor is out of control when they name most of the roles in the movie after G.I. Joe characters. Even Cobra Commander makes a really annoying appearance to clue you in to the fact that you are watching the love child of Saturday morning cartoons and USA Up All Night movies. When I saw Debbie Rochon show up looking like the Baroness, I knew the movie was going to be a full tilt geeks on parade.

So in order to really watch "Bikini Bloodbath Car Wash", you have to be in the right frame of mind. We decided to play a drinking game where every topless bikini babe scene earns another chug of beer. Within ten seconds of the movie starting, I was chugging away. My friend's girlfriend played a similar game but she could only chug when the guy's took their shirts off. She did some chugging as well. There are plenty of scenes of bikini clad women jumping and dancing around and even the occasional topless scene to keep you awake. There are also a few gory spots where the chef puts his meat cleaver to good use and slices into some car wash women.

But I was disappointed that the car wash was not a bloodbath. None of the slasher scenes actually take place at the car wash. Not that I'm surprised that a B-movie has a deceptive title mind you but I was hoping for some blood spray on the clean cars. Although there is a knife fight at the car wash which is lifted right out of Michael Jackson's "Beat it" video. No bloodbath during this either but they did have some sweet dance moves.

"Bikini Bloodbath Car Wash" is not a horror movie nor is it an exploitation movie. It's a harmless geekfest that is best enjoyed with friends and beer. Make that lots of beer. My friends did get a kick out of the scene where Professor Shipwreck rolls around on the floor after getting hit in the nutsack. As for me, I'm could use less nut cracking scenes and more topless bikini women running for their lives scenes. Still, there's something about watching Debbie Rochon and friends do battle with yet another B-movie slasher that can make it worth checking out. Just make sure you have plenty of beer handy before pressing play.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 bikini car wash babes

"The Witches of Breastwick 2" review

NOTE: To give you an idea how cheap this movie is, there isn't any cover art for it. The picture above is a fake poster that I stumbled upon. I know it's fake because not one babe, (including the beloved Julie Smith), is in the movie.

The Witches of Breastwick 2 (2005)

Director: Jim Wynorski

Tylene Buck ... Julie
Frankie Cullen ... David
Taimie Hannum ... Kate
Lexi Lamour ... Meriwether
Rebecca Love ... Rebecca
Demi Delia ... Dr. Welby
Antonia Dorian ... Doctor's Aide
Nicole Sheridan ... Genie
Nikki Fritz ... Millicent

I saw this on cable the other night. I thought I might have a little time to go get a drink before the movie got going. I got up and turned my back on the movie for five seconds and the naked breasts had already popped out. You take your eyes off of "Witches of Breastwick 2" for a moment and topless women will be bouncing around. You've got to pay attention during these movies.

So a guy is having nightmares of large breasted women dancing around him. His esteemed therapist, Dr. I.M. Hornee, uses her highly unorthodox sexual hypnosis to see what the problem is. She prescribes a backpack full of Viagra and a hike out to Wynorski's favorite cabin in the woods to see if there are any naked women there. He strikes gold as three sex crazed witches are waiting for him and his wife. This leads to various love making rendezvous in hot tubs, bath tubs and anywhere else Wynorski wants to bark out orders to get laid.

After watching "Witches of Breastwick 2", I was hit with this incredible feeling of deja vu. It's as if I've seen this exact same movie before albeit with different performers. Not only can Wynorski not be bothered with such trivial details as a poster for the movie, he can't even take the time to dream up new sex scenes. He hit the snooze button on his creative mind years ago and yet I keep watching his movies. I think we know who the real fool is here.

The one thing that does change with his movies is the women who get naked at his command. I was slightly saddened that Julie Smith did not return from the first movie as she is the finest woman in B-movies today. Nikki Fritz would fall second on my list but Wynorski couldn't afford having her get naked so we had to settle for a 50 second cameo. Rebecca Love shows up as one of the horny witches and does a great job as always. The other witches were good too in their own sexually insatiable way.

But Wynorski and his lazy modus operandi sink this one. Every sex scene is a rehash from other softcore adventures he's filmed in his cherished mountain love shack. There is yet another scene in the hot tub where three women bounce around the water pretending to have a good time. Wynorski blasts music over every sex scene so he can yell direction at the ladies. It's almost eerie to see all three women look off screen at the same time at some unseen, all knowing horny puppet master. It jars you back to reality as you realize this was made as more of a home movie for his vast collection of girls on film than for anyone else to enjoy.

On the plus side, there are plenty of naked women to help you pass the time until you slip into a late night coma. The only good sex scene was with Taimie Hannum and the two witches in the bath tub. Taimie is great with other women and I enjoyed watching her lather up with the ladies. All of the guy/girl scenes in "Witches of Breastwick 2" are fairly ridiculous as Wynorski has them all humping away at turbo speed. He must have wanted to end quickly so he could get back to the sapphic action. I can't blame him for that.

So if you're up late one night and the Breastwick babes are on, it won't kill you to watch another round of Wynorski. That's not to say the movie is any good mind you but at the hour his movies come on the competition just can't stand up against the well stacked witches.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 witches of Wynorski