"The Lost" review

The Lost (2005)

Director: Chris Sivertson
Writers: Jack Ketchum Chris Sivertson
Genre:Drama / Horror more

Marc Senter ... Ray Pye
Shay Astar ... Jennifer Fitch
Alex Frost ... Tim Bess
Megan Henning ... Sally Richmond
Robin Sydney ... Katherine Wallace
Michael Bowen ... Detective Charlie Schilling
Ed Lauter ... Ed Anderson
Dee Wallace ... Barbara Hanlon (as Dee Wallace-Stone)
Erin Brown ... Lisa Steiner
Ruby Larocca ... Elise Hanlon

One of the first images in “The Lost” has a pair of feet trudging along a dirt path to an outhouse while “I’m the Pied Piper” plays on the soundtrack. When Ray Pye reaches the door of the outhouse, a naked woman steps out and stops the music. She once was lost but now she’s found. It’s her. My God, she’s everywhere. I can’t escape. It’s no use. She’s in every single B-movie. Yes, I’m talking about Misty Mundae. Back again and naked. Of course she is.

So Ray “Pied Piper” Pye spots a naked Mundae and another Seduction Cinema babe down at a campsite. He decides to blast some lesbians for fun. His friends insist that he doesn’t know whether they’re lesbians or not but Pye has probably seen enough late night Cinemax to know what he’s talking about. Pye shows his contempt for Mundae and friend by using them for target practice. His friends fall into line as the Pied Piper tells them everything will be just fine as long as they listen to him. Ray leads the Lost out of the woods and into a life filled with drugs, sleazy sex and rapidly disintegrating morality.

“The Lost” is based on the story of Charles Schmid, “The Pied Piper of Tucson”. Most of Ray Pye’s freaky eccentricities are lifted straight from Schmid. The makeup, the fake mole and especially the crushed cans in the boot to make himself seem taller all come from Schmid. The enduring mystery of Schmid/Pye is why are people attracted to this obvious loser? Why do these lost souls follow the pied piper down a path of destruction? In a boring town, Pye is the most exciting thing going on. Well, at least he thinks he is and acts the part of a cool guy so his friends will stick around. As the truth about himself slowly reveals itself to Pye, (that he is in fact a loser), Pye flips out and wants to send everyone he knows to their bloody death.

“The Lost” is a pretty good flick. I enjoyed it. “The Lost” takes a while to get going but eventually delivers at the end. There is a lot of build-up between the first murders and Ray Pye’s eventual transformation into a raving psychopath. Ray tries to grab onto whatever is left of his humanity but any normal woman will see right through his deceit. “The Lost” paints a sick portrait of a budding psycho. It’s worth a look.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 Pied Pipers

"The Caretaker" review

The Caretaker (2008)

Director: Bryce Olson
Writer: Jackie Olson

Kira Verrastro... Ella
James Immekus... Snail
Jennifer Freeman... Sonya
Andrew St. John... Topher
Diego J. Torres... Ricky
Victoria Vande Vegte... Chloe
Jennifer Tilly... Miss Perry
Judd Nelson... Ella's Dad
Jonathan Breck... The Limo Driver
Lola Davidson... Missy

I went to see “The Caretaker” the other day at the Fine Arts Theater on Wilshire. When I heard about Jennifer Tilly in a horror flick, I knew this was a film that had to be seen. So I met a few friends at Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles to get the Saturday night off on the right foot. Nothing says good times like those waffles on Gower St. After eating there, I decided to rate “The Caretaker” based on a scale of 1 to 4 succulent breasts.

Before we left Roscoe’s I was told some interesting stories. One, did you know that McDonalds burgers taste sour? I didn’t understand it either but my friend’s girlfriend insists that the Royale with Cheese is a sour tasting sandwich. Those of us who grew up on it just didn’t understand the concept. I also heard a story about a house in Chatsworth that was rented out for porno shoots. One of my friends knew a guy who used to rent it out and then watch the movie so that they could see their house. “There’s my couch!” Apparently you get more money if you let them use the bedroom but they rarely did that. You’ve got to have some standards. I laughed my head off at this story as it proved my theory that every third house in Chatsworth is used for porn. My friend lives in Van Nuys but that’s used more for editing porn than for shooting it. You get better hourly rates in Chatsworth.

So we left Roscoe’s and headed over to the Fine Arts Theater. I had them follow me down Sunset Blvd because I knew the way. I lost them in about two minutes. Who knew Sunset would be jam packed on a Saturday night besides everybody in the entire world? I called them to see where they were. They had already passed me and were cruising down La Cienega. They had both grown up in L.A. and were zipping through traffic like it was nothing. We parked at the Flynt building and started to walk on over.

We got to the movie theater and the line to get in had just started to move. This was a free movie in order to get some word of mouth going. We were told that Jennifer Tilly and Judd Nelson were going to show up to take questions after the movie was over. I settled in for some Saturday night horror. It was show time.
A bunch of teens decide to scare their dates by pulling a Halloween prank. Instead of going to the school dance, the limo driver takes them to a scary house in the middle of nowhere. They proceed to tell the girls the story of the Caretaker. The Caretaker flipped out one day and chained his wife to her bedroom. He would dispatch people with his killer fruit picker if anyone looked at her. No one knows if the caretaker is still alive or dead. But since this is a horror movie we can assume he’s alive and is going to torment these teens as all good slashers should. Sure enough, he attacks them as soon as the story is over. It was very considerate of him to wait till the end to pounce. He pulls out his deadly fruit picker and the teens run for their lives. Jennifer Tilly and her killer cleavage show up near the end to try to get some fame from dating a serial killer. It ends badly.
First, let me praise the best part of this movie. Near the beginning of the movie, a horny couple enters the house so that they can get ready to help the teens scare their dates. The girl takes her top off and proceeds to bounce around. Then, to prove her worth to her boyfriend, she takes a flashlight, presses it against her breast and turns it on. Her breasts then glow in the dark. Scary! This scene was highly entertaining and I’d like to thank the filmmakers for their glowing breast efforts. That scores it two succulent breasts out of four.
Unfortunately I can’t really say I was too entertained by the rest of the movie. “The Caretaker” is really light on the blood and guts. For a horror movie, this is the kiss of death. The movie is done in a very lighthearted way that doesn’t fit with my idea of what a maniac with a killer fruit picker movie should be. I can think of about five or six gore scenes that should have been in this movie that were shamefully left out. Why didn’t the caretaker shove his fruit picker through someone? Or cut off someone’s head? He should have at least picked out someone’s heart with it. Most of the violent scenes are done off screen with minimal blood effects afterwards. The filmmakers have a very unique slasher weapon with the fruit picker, (as far as I know it’s never been done before), and yet they failed to exploit it.

When the movie was over, the Q&A section began. Judd Nelson showed up for it but Jennifer Tilly was nowhere in sight. She was very busy with a pair of jacks and was going for a full house. So the moderator asked the cast some very innocuous questions as we waited for the audience to get their turn. The moderator let two people in the audience speak, (I’m guessing friends of the cast as one question was, “You’re all up and coming actors. What other projects do you have coming up?”) My friend was waiting to ask a question about the thumb scene. In one flashback scene, it showed the caretaker’s wife escaping from her chain by biting her thumb off. Later in the movie, another girl is chained to the exact same spot on the floor that the wife was. He was expecting another thumb biting but she just slips out of the handcuff. “I was going to ask them why they built up the thumb biting scene and then forget to have it again. I would have asked but the Q&A was over too quickly. Well, they lost this reviewer after that scene.” Me too man. Me too.

Overall, “The Caretaker” is a goofy little horror movie with not a lot to get excited about. But it’s a competently filmed movie so it didn’t hurt me too much. As we left the theater, they were selling “Caretaker” DVD’s in the lobby. If Tilly had shown up, I would have gotten one and had her sign it. But she went all in after she got a pair of fives and couldn’t make it.

If you’re looking for a scary horror flick, “The Caretaker” is not what you’re looking for. But for a free movie after a delicious waffle dinner at Roscoe’s, “The Caretaker” wasn’t too bad. If you need to see some glow in the dark breasts, this may be worth fast forwarding through to the succulent part.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 succulent breasts

"Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep" review

Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep (2006)

Director: Tibor Takács
Writers: Nicholas Garland Sean Keller

Charlie O'Connell... Ray
Victoria Pratt... Nicole
Kristi Angus... Jenny
Cory Monteith... Michael
Jack Scalia... Maxwell Odemus
Nicole McKay... Kate
Michal Yannai... Sally (as Michal Yanai)
Kyle Morven Tejpar... Young Ray

I saw this over at a friend’s house the other day. You can always tell how qualified a B-movie scientist is by how hot she looks in a bikini.As you can see, Dr. Babe is very qualified. She is hunting some mythical lost treasure that may or may not be guarded by a giant squid. She is being pressured by a bunch of thugs dressed in black who don’t look nearly as good in black as her. They want her to go searching for the treasure for them but she’ll never lower her standards to work for those cretins. Instead she brings along some goofball who wants to take his revenge on the giant squid for killing his parents. This time it’s personal.

“Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep” is a typical straight to video creature feature. Nothing too exciting to write about other than the fact that Dr. Babe could not keep her shirt on. No matter where she was, (the boat, her hotel room, anywhere), she somehow found a way to change in and out of her clothes. We must commend the producers for exploiting one of their best special effects. Actually, she was probably their best special effect as the Kraken was looking a little cheesy.

But The Kraken does manage to kill people on a fairly regular basis so you can’t fault him for his work ethic. He knows what a B-movie monster is supposed to do. The kill scenes are not anything out of the ordinary although I’m always a sucker for the scenes where the person gets pulled under the water and the blood starts bubbling up. I can’t get enough of that. The Kraken does manage to rip apart some people so I was mildly entertained. “Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep” might be worth a look if you’re in dire need of a Kraken fix.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Krakens

"Succubus: Hell Bent" review

Succubus: Hell Bent (2007)

Gary Busey ... Sentinel
David Keith ... Wallace
Lorenzo Lamas ... Flight Instructor
Kelly Hu ... Detective Pei
Natalie Denise Sperl ... Lilith
Jayson Blair ... Jason
Shawna Marie Nelson ... Heather
Ahna O'Reilly ... Bikini Babe
Cameron Goodman ... Kitty Cutie
Rebekah Brandes ... Hottie #2
Amber Flamminio ... Hottie #1
I want to jump right in and praise “Succubus: Hell Bent” for its one positive attribute. That would be Lilith, the hell bent Succubus. Lilith hooks up with a complete tool bag in Cancun and proceeds to have a demonic fatal attraction to him. He runs back to L.A. only to be stalked by the hellish hottie. The rest of the movie has the moron wondering why this demon is after him and what he plans to do to defeat her evil succubus ways.

Other than having a really hot succubus who looks great in black, I can’t think of one positive thing to say about this movie. “Succubus: Hell Bent” starts off with the tool bag and his dad flying jet planes. This lets us know right away that the main character is super rich and needs to be completely despised. Later on, Lorenzo Lamas makes an appearance as a helpful flight instructor who has a dog fight with the jet flying succubus. One of the producers must have a friend at a flight school because I couldn’t understand why a succubus needs to fly a jet to do her dirty work.

In fact, a lot about this movie is bewildering. Like why are Kelly Hu and Gary Busey in it? Both of them show up for ten minute cameos which only serve to remind us that we are not watching a real horror movie. I suspect that the filmmakers really wanted to make a teen “Fatal Attraction/Fear/The Crush/Swimfan” type flick but decided it had been done before. Why not make the same kind of crazy chick movie but with a succubus? And jets! Lots of jet fighter scenes! Those are really scary! No horror movie with a jet has ever been good. This movie proves that point once again.

Comedic horror movies can sometimes be fun but “Succubus: Hell Bent” is a pointless B-movie. It can be skipped. They had a hot girl in black, a rented hotel room and a lot of jets. This was not the ideal mix for a fun horror flick. This movie needed more graphic succubus killings and a lot less scenes of jet fighters. But that’s probably true of most movies.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 demonic jets

Well, at least there was Lilith.

"Dream Slashers" review

Dream Slashers (2007)

Director: Philippe Ney
Writer: Domenic Siclari

Keren Gilbert ... Josey
Jon Seminara ... Charlie Watts
Irwin Keyes ... Sheriff Garza / Pizza Delivery Man
Jossara Jinaro ... Meena Garcia
Emerson Brooks ... Terrence
Ryan Kitley ... Scott
Esme Williams ... Demitria
Monica Gambee ... Monica
Michelle LaFrance ... Jessica
Melissa Tesmer ... Kelly

In any other line of business, fraud would be considered a detriment to a continuing successful enterprise. For some B-movie filmmakers, it’s a necessary business tactic. The description of “Dream Slashers” bears no resemblance to the actual film. I remember reading something about naughty women invading a guy’s dreams and doing some slashing. I can assure you that those naughty women are nowhere near this movie. How naughty of them.

How do B-movie hucksters continually get away with it? If I bought a bag of cookies, and it turned out that there wasn’t anything inside, I could get my money back. Yet if I rent a movie called “Dream Slashers” and it has nothing to do with dreams or slashers or anything else resembling entertainment, I get the finger. Why do B-movie filmmakers hold their audience in such contempt? Do they hate the fact that they are forced to make horror movies? Do they hate consumers in general? What drives people to waste time and money making this garbage only to turn around and try to sell it as something mildly entertaining? These and other questions are pointless to ask as the filmmakers have already taken my money and moved on to their next five movies they’ll crank out this weekend.

So if you are foolish enough to watch this movie, here’s what you get. A bunch of hot women go to their apartment and have a slumber party. They decide to tell scary stories while dressed in lingerie. The girl dressed as the devil has a really scary story to tell and proceeds to ruin the party. She babbles on about a haunted motel in Mexico where two couples hang out and bore to death anyone listening to their mind-numbing tale.

The only hope this movie had of being good was to let the lingerie girls either a) become Dream Slashers like it promised or B) let some hideous maniac attack them while they ran around in their underwear. Why devil girl decided to drag a perfectly good lingerie slumber party into oblivion with her tedious story is beyond me. “Dream Slashers” is the epitome of complete rip-off. It needs to be avoided. It will try to invade your B-movie dreams with its deceitful advertising but be strong and steer clear.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 dreaming lingerie girls

"Decadent Evil II" review

Decadent Evil II (2007)

Director: Charles Band
Writer: August White

Jill Michelle ... Sugar
Daniel Lennox ... Dex
Ricardo Gil ... Ivan
James C. Burns ... Burke
Jeff Allen ... Bathroom Guy
Jessica Morris ... Lena

I can always tell when the hot babe in a B-movie is not going to get naked and knowing this fills me with despair. My sixth sense on these things is strong. In the first few minutes of “Decadent Evil II”, we are introduced to a vampire stripper named Sugar. Now given the profession she’s in, it would be reasonable to expect Sugar to get naked within seconds. But I could tell she was trying to be a real actress and we weren’t going to get any sugar tonight. Don’t you hate when that happens?

So Sugar and her constantly bewildered boyfriend are in Little Rock, Arkansas to get some vampire blood. They’ve brought along a dead midget vampire slayer and a small horny doll who happens to be the midget’s dad. Don’t ask. Anyway, Sugar decides to track down the head of a vampire clan by playing spin the crucifix and seeing where it lands. Lucky for us, it points at a sleazy strip club. Sugar and her boyfriend decide to get jobs at the club so they can go undercover and flush out the vamp.

I am the type of guy who will always find something worthwhile about any movie that has strip club scenes. “Decadent Evil II” has a couple of scenes of strippers stripping so that’s always good for some cheap B-movie thrills. As for the rest of the movie, it was pretty standard. Sugar decides not to strip which frustrates the vampire out of hiding and ends in a fairly cheap battle to the death.

There’s nothing particularly wrong with “Decadent Evil II” but it didn’t really live up to its promise of decadent evil. The filmmakers must have realized this by ending the film with the horny doll giving one of the vampire strippers some serious doll loving. He’s the kind of doll who gets lonely in his hamster cage and wears loud Hawaiian shirts. Oh yes, they make Hawaiian shirts for killer dolls. Ladies can’t resist them. Once they see the shirt and his cool hamster wheel, it’s on. Pure decadence.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 for stripper decadence

"Cloak & Shag Her" review

Cloak & Shag Her (2008)

Director: William Hellfire
Writer: William Hellfire

Darian Caine ... Dr. Mean
C.J. DiMarsico ... Bitters
A.J. Khan ... Nurse Notsonice
Ruby Larocca ... Serving Girl
Deal Paul ... Basil Shagalittle
Julian Wells ... April Flowers

Blimey! It’s the Julian Wells summer of love! “Cloak and Shag Her” is a Julian Wells gold mine. I’m not suggesting that it’s a good movie, (or even a movie for that matter), but it will give you all of the Wells love making you desire.

As a gourmet connoisseur of Julian Wells carnal exploits, I would rank “Cloak and Shag Her” among her top three flicks. For the record, my top three Wells cinematic adventures are “The Seduction of Misty Mundae”, “Dr. Jekyll and Mistress Hyde” and “Cloak and Shag Her”. Honorable mention goes to “Bite Me” for being a fun movie although the Wells love machine is cooled off in that one.

Speaking of Julian getting laid, “Cloak and Shag Her” has her using her beguiling body to seduce any female that gets in her way. She is April Flowers, groovy international nympho. She’s on a time travel mission to stop Dr. Mean from doing something bad. This gives her plenty of opportunity to undress her opponents and use her patented Flower power on them. Every sex scene in “Cloak and Shag Her” has Julian Wells kissing and licking whatever nefarious woman decides to do battle with her in the bedroom. Total Wells domination.

It would be stretching it to call “Cloak and Shag Her” a movie. It runs a little over an hour with five minutes of it being a filler scene. A subtitle announces “Meanwhile back in the sixties” as some horrid retro loop of a stripping 60’s babe plays out for our supposed enjoyment. Seduction Cinema must have done a lot of dumpster diving around 42nd Street to find all of these old loops. I think it’s time to call the porno preservation society and donate them for posterity. They are proving to be too tempting to shove them into their new flicks when the run time comes up short.

“Cloak and Shag Her” is full of Julian Wells sex scenes and not much else. But really, what else do you need? Wells gets naked with most of the Seduction women but not the main one. Shockingly, Misty Mundae does not show up for her usual quality time with Julian. How hippie chick Mundae missed out on this golden opportunity for a proper shag with Julian is unknown. But A.J. Khan and Darian Caine get to have their turn with Julian and they don’t waste the opportunity. So if you’re looking for a bloody good time with special agent Julian Wells, check this one out. Love is all around her, and so the feeling grows...

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 shagadelic Wells

"Blood Sucking Babes from Burbank" review

Blood Sucking Babes from Burbank (2006)

Director: Kirk Bowman
Writer: Kirk Bowman

Heidi Brucker ... Samantha
Danilo Mancinelli ... Zack
Mira Rayson ... Felicity
Danny Kitz ... Gary
Danielle Kreinik ... Trudy
Jacqueline Anzalone ... Kendra
Yasmine Vine ... Janet
Christina Caporale... Chelsea

I suppose in a technical sense I watched “Blood Sucking Babes from Burbank” but to tell you the truth I am having a difficult time remembering the experience. It’s as if the movie penetrated my eyes and blasted through the back of my skull. Images of babes and blood sucking were playing on the wall behind my head as my scrambled brains couldn’t keep up with the cheap carnage. Yes, it’s that good.

Of course one could make the argument, well what did you expect? I don’t know. A movie worth watching? An experience worth having? I was stretching. So another cleverly titled B-movie does me in and causes some internal damage. I’ll never learn.

“Blood Sucking Babes from Burbank” has various Burbank babes sucking blood. They are looking for a lost treasure somewhere in the Burbank Mountains. They stumble upon an ancient stone which causes them to lust for blood. You rub it all over your body and you become a lip smacking cannibal. After this crucial plot point was revealed, I slowly slipped away from the movie and had an out of body experience. I hovered over my body and watched myself slip into a coma because of this meaningless film.

Nothing much interesting goes down in “Blood Sucking Babes from Burbank”. There are many more scenes of Burbank babes munching on male body parts but after the first guy got some babe teeth marks on him I lost interest. They do manage to squeeze in some topless Burbank babes but the really hot ones manage to stay clothed. At least you can say that the title didn’t lie. Babes do suck blood in this movie. So that’s good. I just wish the babes did something else remotely interesting to keep my brain from shutting down from an overload of Burbank B-movie madness.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 Burbank babes

"The Slaughter" review

The Slaughter (2006)

Director: Jay Lee
Writer: Jay Lee

Jessica Custodio ... Dana (as Jessica Ellis)
Zak Kilberg... Iggy
Terry Erioski ... Tyler
Laura Bach ... Heather (as Laura Stein)
Jen Alex Gonzalez ... Alexandra
Brad Milne ... Carl Stevens
Adriana Esquivel ... She Demon
Carmit Levité... Julia Carter
Cheyenne Ault ... Denise Carter
Eva Derrek ... Madam Izriah
Penny Drake ... Madame Eliza
Elana Blank ... Witch

If there was a B-movie university, and there should be, “The Slaughter” would be a prime learning tool. It is a textbook example of a horror flick for B-movie 101 class. Keep your cast in one setting to drive down costs? Check. Have a cheap monster pick off the cast one by one? Check. Throw some blood and breasts at the screen to see if something interesting happens? Check. “The Slaughter” has rolled off the B-movie assembly line to fill that gaping hole on the video store shelf. Because if it’s one thing the world needs, it’s more straight to video horror movies.

“The Slaughter” begins as so many other B-movies before it with a bunch of teens heading to an abandoned house. This time the cast is at the spooky house to clean the insides for a smarmy businessman. While dusting the place, they stumble upon an old book which may hold the key to making this movie interesting. The resident dork of the group translates the book just in time to tell them that they’re all going to die. A topless witch ceremony from many moons ago has scarred the house for eternity. If certain rituals are performed, like getting laid, the evil demons in the house will do their B-movie duty and slice and dice anyone with the audacity to be alive. The group has unleashed the Slaughter.“The Slaughter” starts off with a great gratuitous nudity scene. The opening scene has the witches performing a spell together and then ripping off their cloaks to reveal their witchy breasts. Topless conjuring was an integral part of ancient spell casting ceremonies and I appreciated the filmmaker’s attention to historical accuracy.

Unfortunately, I found the first five minutes to be the highlight of “The Slaughter”. I have seen this movie many, many times before. One might even say too many times before. There is not a shred of originality or innovation in “The Slaughter”. It is yet another B-flick that exists only in the faint hope that guys like me will get into seeing some more blood and guts scenes. You know how this movie is going to unfold every step of the way. The monster gets released, people get killed, blood spurts out of their organs and the movie ends.

“The Slaughter” is a fair B-flick with topless witches and plenty of blood. It won’t thrill you with its B-movie 101 storyline but if you’re not too picky you might get into it.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 slaughters

"Bikini Bloodbath" review

Bikini Bloodbath (2006)

Directors: Jonathan Gorman Thomas Edward Seymour
Writers: Jonathan Gorman Thomas Edward Seymour

Debbie Rochon... Miss Johnson
Thomas Edward Seymour... Phil
Russ Russo... Mike M.
Leah Ford... Jenny
Margaret Rose Champagne... Eve
Carmine Capobianco... Coach Smith
Robert Cosgrove Jr.... The Chef
Dana Fay Ensalata... Pam
Anna-Karin Eskilsson... Sharon
Olja Hrustic... Ginger

It was late on Friday night and I couldn’t sleep. I was leaving on a trip the next day and I really needed to get some rest. Unfortunately for me, the flu had me in a headlock and would not let me go. So there I was, on death’s door, coughing and sneezing my guts out. I needed something to get me through my darkest hour. If I couldn’t live through the night, I needed my last hours on Earth to be as pleasant as possible. It was this frame of mind which led me to putting “Bikini Bloodbath” into the DVD player. Let the bloodbath take me away.

A bunch of women decide to hold a slumber party to celebrate the end of school. Debbie Rochon shows up long enough to die in the first twenty minutes. Meanwhile, an insane guy in a chef’s hat wants to fillet everybody he sees. He ends up at the girl’s party and kills, kills, kills. Somewhere along the way, the girls decide to put bikini’s on so that they can add some legitimacy to the movie’s title. More asinine things happened as I wrapped myself in a blanket trying to fight back death and run of the mill B-flicks.

“Bikini Bloodbath” is a goofy B-flick. It starts off with a topless woman hopping out of bed to some cheesy rock music and rolls from there. There is a nice scene in the girl’s shower as they lather up for our viewing pleasure. Once the chef slasher enters the picture the movie becomes fairly ridiculous. Rochon bites the dust early which leaves us with a bunch of actors who are there only to get chopped up as soon as possible. The kill scenes are not scary and the gore was not the bloodbath that I was hoping for. Everything here is done for laughs but since I was knocking on heaven’s door when I watched this it didn’t really work for me.

Overall, “Bikini Bloodbath” was not the over the top sleaze fest that I was praying for. It’s a fair B-flick with a juvenile sense of humor and lots of cheap blood. Not quite a blood bath, but the usual slicing and dicing for the undiscerning viewer. As for me, I went straight to bed after this was over hoping I’d live to see the dawn. When the sun came up, I was thankful that I got another chance to see more B-movies. I won’t be seeing “Bikini Bloodbath” again, but I’m sure it will be something very, very similar.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 bikinis

"Chantal" review

Chantal (2007)

Director: Tony Marsiglia

Erin Brown ... Chantal (as Misty Mundae)
Julian Wells ... Traci
Darian Caine ... Victoria
Andrea Davis ... Lisa
Casey Jones ... Photographer's model
Julie Strain
Lizzy Strain

“Chantal” is the tale of two muses. The first one drives me crazy for all of the wrong reasons. I’m talking about Misty Mundae AKA “Erin Brown” who is an incredibly prolific lesbian softcore star. She makes me wonder why that statement is true. Guys love her girlish body, women love to kiss her but I don’t get the appeal. She still inspires my reviews like no other. I love writing about her and my continuing quest to understand the Mundae phenomenon. Of course even Mundae doesn’t want to understand it as she is leaving Seduction Cinema behind for…for what exactly? Going to something or running away from the past? It’s too soon to tell but I have to admit she has been a big part of my writings.

The second muse is Julian Wells. There’s something about Julian that gets me going in the right direction. Her long legs, her freckled chest, and her “sexier than thou” attitude all inspire me to write about her time and time again. She has paired up with a couple of different girls in the Seduction flicks but it’s with Mundae that she shares the best chemistry. Come to think of it, I think Misty Mundae is the key to Julian’s success in these sex scenes. Misty likes to be dominated and Julian is always on top. Their sex scenes are always good with “The Seduction of Misty Mundae” scene not only being their best together but one of the greatest softcore sex scenes ever. So I suppose I needed Misty Mundae all along to bring out the best in Julian Wells. How ironic.

“Chantal” brings the two muses together for a trip through hellish Hollywood. Chantal, (Mundae), comes to L.A. to be a bright shining star. Mundae has the annoyance factor cranked up to eleven as she plays Chantal as the most dimwitted simpleton you can imagine. Chantal doesn’t know what an agent or a headshot is which leaves her vulnerable to the dogs of L.A. She gets taken advantage of until she meets her presumed guardian angel in the form of Julian Wells. Wells lets her accompany her as an escort for a night so we can get at least one sex scene in this movie. Chantal spirals down into madness after Wells leaves her. Isn’t that always the way?

As a softcore flick, “Chantal” disappoints. There are two sex scenes in the movie with the Wells/Mundae scene being the only good one. Of course, “Chantal” wasn’t really set up to be the traditional Seduction Cinema lesbian flick. I found it kind of interesting to see Wells and Mundae talk about the harsh realities of living on the unforgiving streets of L.A. If you’re a Seduction Cinema veteran, you might get into seeing Mundae going through the motions of an innocent girl getting exploited by Hollywood. If you’re just looking for cheap Sapphic thrills, you should probably skip this one.

One last thought, if “Misty Mundae” is retired from the world of Seduction Cinema, what does this mean for “Julian Wells”? The IMDb doesn’t seem to have any new Wells adventures on the horizon. Well, actually there seems to be two more left but I believe they were filmed awhile ago. Mundae’s exit from the scene takes Julian’s best partner out of the picture and I fear it could be the end of “Julian Wells”. This fills me with despondency as this means my internet love affair is slowly coming to an end. We had a few laughs. Things are different now. I’ll find other B-movie babes. But man, it won’t be as much fun.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 muses in love

"I Know Who Killed Me" review

I Know Who Killed Me (2007)

Director: Chris Sivertson
Writer: Jeff Hammond

Julia Ormond... Susan Fleming
Neal McDonough... Daniel Fleming
Brian Geraghty... Jerrod Pointer
Garcelle Beauvais... Agent Julie Bascome (as Garcelle Beauvais-Nilon)
Spencer Garrett... Agent Phil Lazarus
Gregory Itzin... Dr. Greg Jameson
Lindsay Lohan... Aubrey Fleming / Dakota Moss

Lindsay Lohan is in trouble. She is being stalked by a killer. Or is she? The killer loves the color blue. Or does he love red? Or do I care? Lindsay is kidnapped after a football game only to be found later lying in a ditch with some of her limbs hacked off. Lindsay insists she’s not who people think she is. She says she is actually a hardcore stripper named Dakota. This allows Lindsay to show us some moves in a strip club where she is so hardcore that she doesn’t even take any clothes off. This all leads too much confusion as a mystery unfolds as to who Lindsay really is and whether or not there is actually a movie here worth watching.

“I Know Who Killed Me” is a typical incoherent bad movie. As entertainment, it’s choppy, full of gaps in logic and just downright stupid. But as a vehicle to exploit Lindsay Lohan, it’s endlessly fascinating! This movie must have been conceived as the perfect movie to let an adult Lindsay Lohan run wild. “I Know Who Killed Me” allows Lindsay to smoke, drink, curse, have sex, bleed, get tortured and do a lot of strutting on stage under blue and red strobe lights. It is a beautiful example of how to exploit a former child star by shoving her into a totally inappropriate movie in an attempt to showcase her talents.

As a horror/thriller, “I Know Who Killed Me” is lacking in suspense, tension and thrills. The killer and his wicked ways are an afterthought as most of the movie dwells on Lindsay and her attempts to show us the adult side of her film persona. Watching Lindsay crash and burn with the movie was the only amount of entertainment I could glean from “I Know Who Killed Me”. I was disappointed that her stripping scenes ended with the exact same amount of clothes she started with but I wasn’t really surprised at the outcome. If you don’t care about Lohan or her half-hearted attempts at stripping, you will find this movie to be a complete waste of time. But if you need a little out of control Lohan in your life, it may be worth watching once.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 blue and red Lindsays

"Evil Aliens" review

Evil Aliens (2005)

Director: Jake West
Writer: Jake West

Emily Booth ... Michelle Fox
Sam Butler ... Ricky Anderson (as Samuel Butler)
Tree Carr ... Dream Alien
Jennifer Evans ... Cat
Jamie Honeybourne ... Gavin Gorman
Scott Joseph ... Principal Alien
Norman Lovett ... Howard Marsden
Peter O'Connor ... Jack Campbell (as Peter McNeil O'Connor)
Jodie Shaw ... Candy Vixen

Aliens have been spotted in the U.K. and they’re evil. Emily Booth takes her film crew into the backwoods of England to film a reenactment of an alien abduction. Their cynical attitude toward extraterrestrial life is shattered when evil E.T.’s show up to anal probe them to death. The crew must band together to vanquish the bloodthirsty aliens in their midst. “Evil Aliens” is a great movie. Any B-movie freak will get into it. It was made for the horror movie faithful. How I’ve longed to see a fun B-movie with copious amounts of blood, guts and lowbrow humor. “Evil Aliens” takes a page, (or two or three or four), from the “Dead Alive” playbook. The blood starts splattering when the aliens run into their prey. All of the carnage is done for laughs and there is plenty of both to be found in “Evil Aliens”.

And who does the team turn to when they need help understanding the aliens? That’s right. The almighty geek. This is why you need geeks around. They are the ones who can tell you how to handle unknown life forms from outer space. The best scene in the movie has the geek being held captive in the space ship when a very flexible female alien starts to straddle him. He looks up and pleads for her to be gentle with him. She proceeds to put him through the alien copulation machine. His attempt at bringing two species closer together was some fine diplomacy. This scene cracked me up. I had to rewind and watch it a couple of times.

“Evil Aliens” is a fun B-movie. I had a blast watching it. If you want aliens, blood, lots of laughs and a heroic geek to the rescue, this is the perfect Saturday night flick for what ails you.

SCORE: 3.5 out of 4 for evil alien splatter

"Rise: Blood Hunter" review

Rise: Blood Hunter (2007)

Director: Sebastian Gutierrez
Writer: Sebastian Gutierrez

Lucy Liu... Sadie Blake
James D'Arcy... Bishop
Carla Gugino... Eve
Michael Chiklis... Clyde Rawlins
Cameron Richardson... Colette

Any movie that starts off with one of the hot girls from “Entourage” being hung naked upside down has got to be worth a little something. At the beginning of the movie, we’re introduced to Colette, (Cameron Richardson – or the girl in the coatroom with Vince), as she is getting picked up by Lucy Liu. Lucy takes her back to her pad and asks her to strip. Cameron takes off her bra and states that, “They’re real”. Then they segue into a kissing scene which inevitably ends in Cameron being hung naked by her ankles in the shower. Now this is how you start a B-movie.

Lucy Liu is the intrepid reporter out to do a story on Goth culture and why they’re so screwed up. This allows her to stumble into a B-movie story of murder, vampires and other blood sucking freaks. The vampires attack and Lucy is initiated against her will into the army of the undead. The rest of the movie has Lucy seeking revenge against her vampire masters with her trusty silver crossbow.

“Rise: Blood Hunter” has an interesting cast for such an obvious B-flick. Many familiar faces pop up in this one which only leads to one question: Why in the world are they in this movie? “Rise: Blood Hunter” may have had aspirations to be a theatrical release but the end product gets pretty garbled as scenes pop up out of nowhere and time shifts as the movie lurches back and forth. One minute Lucy Liu is dead in the morgue and the next she’s killing vampires with wild abandon.

Well, actually she doesn’t embrace her inner vampire and that’s the problem with this flick. Liu has mastered the art of being stoic but showing other emotions continues to elude her. “Rise: Blood Hunter” is lacking in spontaneous blood spilling fun. Liu should have gone over the edge with her new abilities but instead takes the morose, somber path to vampire slaughter. If she was a vampire already, why did she need a crossbow? Couldn’t she have easily ripped off their heads? The crossbow bloodshed was nonexistent and a big letdown.

But “Rise: Blood Hunter” does have some pleasing B-movie elements that may make it worth checking out. There are some good gore scenes along with a naked hanging “Entourage” girl. Actually there are two hot “Entourage” girls in this one but the girl who played Eric’s girlfriend, (Samaire Armstrong), does not get naked. She does shed some blood so it’s not a total loss. So if you’re in desperate need of another vampire hunter movie, it’s worth a look.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 Lucy vamps "Entourage" has all the best women. Rise: Entourage girl

"Bewitched Housewives" review

Bewitched Housewives (2007)

Beverly Lynne ... Mary
Nicole Sheridan ... Angelique
Rebecca Love ... Linda
Brad Bartram ... Derek
Evan Stone ... Martin
Voodoo ... Barry (as Alexandre Boisvert)

Ahh Rebecca Love. She puts the fun in fun bags. The tit in titanic. The rack in My God Rebecca Love has a huge RACK! No matter who she ends up in bed with, her partners always go straight for her breasts. They’d be foolish going anywhere else. Good old Fred Olen Ray has found his new large breasted muse. Mia Zottoli did her part as did Aria Giovanni. Now it is Love’s turn and a fine turn it is.

“Bewitched Housewives” has Beverly Lynne getting laid again. This time friendly witch Nicole Sheridan sends her to the future to get away from being burned at the stake. Beverly is a stranger in a strange land but fortunately Nicole is there to help her get acquainted with modern life. Rebecca Love schemes to get the secret ad plans away from Beverly’s husband but surprisingly ends up in a three-way with Beverly. Of course when I say surprisingly, I really mean not surprising at all. Some other plot points come up which surprisingly leads to sex, sex and some more sex.

So once again the same loyal Fred Olen Ray crew is back for another double shot of late night skin flick debauchery. This time they’ve cranked out “Bewitched Housewives” and “Harlots of the Caribbean”. They must all live within a couple of blocks of each other waiting for the call to action. Once the cash rolls in from the last double feature, it’s time to reinvest in more sex! The Cinemax machine needs constant feeding of product. It’s an insatiable beast.

As for “Bewitched Housewives, it was OK. The sex scenes were decent. Praise must be given to Rebecca Love. She is a huge turn-on. She made the movie for me. Beverly was looking pretty good although I have to say that I like her better when she has sex scenes with men. Her lesbian scenes have been lacking. Her sex scene with Sheridan at the beginning was too tame and her three-way with Love didn’t blow me away either. Beverly should stick to guy/girl sex scenes. How about a scene with two guys? I don’t think we’ve seen that before. The world demands it. Well, maybe not but I’d sure like to see it.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 for lots of Love

Can't get enough of this picture. Bewitching Beverly.

"Amateur Porn Star Killer" review

Amateur Porn Star Killer (2007)

Director: Shane Ryan
Writers: Michiko Jimenez Shane Ryan

Michiko Jimenez ... Stacy "The Victim"
Shane Ryan ... Brandon

I was sent this DVD. “Amateur Porn Star Killer” is about a guy who tries very hard to make the world’s most boring snuff film. He picks up a girl, takes her back to a sleazy motel room and proceeds to have a long drawn out conversation before killing her for our supposed viewing pleasure.

I don’t like movies that pretend to be amateur by deliberately scratching up the film, shaking the camera, etc. “Amateur Porn Star Killer” reminded me of another B-movie that I didn’t like but that a lot of people seemed to enjoy, “Actress Apocalypse”. That movie also went to great lengths to pretend to be a shoddy looking video. I can’t buy into the fantasy that we’re actually watching some hapless psycho film his depraved escapades. And even if we were watching an actual snuff film, why would there be so many scratches on a video tape? This ain’t the 70’s man. Even I could have filmed my vulgar exploits better than this jerk.

I’m not sure how someone is supposed to enjoy this film. It’s not shocking enough to be a horror movie and it’s not vulgar enough to be exploitation. “Amateur Porn Star Killer” fails because it’s too amateur. And much like the Cat III flick “Prostitute Killer” that needed more prostitute killing to be worthwhile, “APSK” needed more porn star killing to liven up the monotony of two people blathering on in a motel room.

It pains me to be so negative on a film that was sent to me. I don’t like to do it but when something hits a nerve in me I’ve just got to say what’s on my mind. The rapist and victim in the movie are the director and writer respectively so I can only assume that they are a couple in real life. It helps explain why there are scenes of graphic sex and nudity, which I did find a little shocking, but none of the scenes led to anything truly disturbing. The movie wraps up at around an hour and ten minutes with an ending that has the actual porn star killing happening offscreen. This is the porn star killing I waited for? No self respecting snuff artist would allow that to happen. You can let this one go.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 dead amateurs

"Return to House on Haunted Hill" review

Return to House on Haunted Hill (2007)

Director: Víctor García
Writer: William Massa

Amanda Righetti ... Ariel Wolfe
Cerina Vincent ... Michelle
Erik Palladino... Desmond
Tom Riley... Paul
Andrew Lee Potts ... Kyle
Jeffrey Combs ... Dr. Richard Benjamin Vannacutt
Steven Pacey ... Richard

Two words: Undead lesbians. In one sequence in “Return to House on Haunted Hill”, one of the conniving thieves, (who just happens to be a hot babe), gets seduced by two ghoulish lesbians. She never bothers to question why these ghostly women are all over her. She just gives in to their warm, deadly Sapphic embrace. It’s important, thought-provoking scenes like this which bring me back to B-movies time and time again.

A disparate assortment of characters get drawn into the house on haunted hill by promises of an evil statue worth millions. The professor wants to save it and the thieves want to sell it. As they make their way through the abandoned asylum, the ghosts take offense to their presence and proceed to dispatch them in the most gruesome way possible. The statue may hold the key to surviving their night with the living dead.

“Return to House on Haunted Hill” is a straight ahead, mainstream B-flick. The story moves from point A to point B with few surprises. However, it is nice to watch a straight to video flick that was made with at least some degree of professionalism. “Return to House on Haunted Hill” is a slick, no nonsense exercise in genre filmmaking. It throws in the blood, guts, scares and undead lesbians into the mix to delight the B-movie fans. You can’t fault it for that. Well, at least I can’t. It’s worth a look.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 bloodthirsty ghouls