"Return to House on Haunted Hill" review

Return to House on Haunted Hill (2007)

Director: Víctor García
Writer: William Massa

Amanda Righetti ... Ariel Wolfe
Cerina Vincent ... Michelle
Erik Palladino... Desmond
Tom Riley... Paul
Andrew Lee Potts ... Kyle
Jeffrey Combs ... Dr. Richard Benjamin Vannacutt
Steven Pacey ... Richard

Two words: Undead lesbians. In one sequence in “Return to House on Haunted Hill”, one of the conniving thieves, (who just happens to be a hot babe), gets seduced by two ghoulish lesbians. She never bothers to question why these ghostly women are all over her. She just gives in to their warm, deadly Sapphic embrace. It’s important, thought-provoking scenes like this which bring me back to B-movies time and time again.

A disparate assortment of characters get drawn into the house on haunted hill by promises of an evil statue worth millions. The professor wants to save it and the thieves want to sell it. As they make their way through the abandoned asylum, the ghosts take offense to their presence and proceed to dispatch them in the most gruesome way possible. The statue may hold the key to surviving their night with the living dead.

“Return to House on Haunted Hill” is a straight ahead, mainstream B-flick. The story moves from point A to point B with few surprises. However, it is nice to watch a straight to video flick that was made with at least some degree of professionalism. “Return to House on Haunted Hill” is a slick, no nonsense exercise in genre filmmaking. It throws in the blood, guts, scares and undead lesbians into the mix to delight the B-movie fans. You can’t fault it for that. Well, at least I can’t. It’s worth a look.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 bloodthirsty ghouls

"Splatter Beach" review

Splatter Beach (2007)

Directors: John Polonia Mark Polonia
Writer: John Polonia

Erin Brown ... Tess
Erika Smith ... Tonya Smith
Alison Whitney ... Beach Dancer
Brice Kennedy ... Rodney Spinner

“Splatter Beach” warns you up front that you will suffer. A warning scrolls by at the beginning of the movie telling you that no living thing should watch this movie. I ignored their warning and pressed on to see what thrills awaited me at “Splatter Beach”. Then I saw the director’s names and I started to succumb to that feeling of nameless B-movie dread that makes your soul cringe. Yes, I’m talking about the Polonia brothers and their shamelessly cheap moviemaking ways. They’ve crawled up from the depths of the ocean to wreck havoc on my DVD player again.

“Splatter Beach” is about the Polonia brothers trying their hardest to rip off “Humanoids from the Deep” and other sea monster flicks. Erika Smith and two guys end up at a cabin for some rest and relaxation. One guy takes the wise path and has sex with Erika. The other dork decides he wants to get to the bottom of all these local disappearances. He’s certain that there are shambling sea creatures out there that want to eat everyone. Misty Mundae shows up to try to convince the naïve fools that there are monsters roaming about. She doesn’t have any lesbian sex so no one is really interested in her. But with the help of the reporter dork and some random weightlifter on the beach, they just might live through the night.

Well, “Splatter Beach” is obviously a bad movie but I can’t say I hated it. It plays out as cheaply and incompetently as you’d expect but it does have some amusing moments. The weightlifter on the beach had me laughing with his clueless banter with the main dork. Erika Smith does have a brief topless scene and that’s always good to see. In fact, it was so good that I had to hit rewind and watch it a couple of times. It was good each time.

It’s hard to take the hammer to this one although it certainly deserves it. At least the Polonia brothers admitted that “Splatter Beach” could cause hysterical blindness to whoever is doomed to watch it. “Splatter Beach” is only about an hour long so it doesn’t have enough time to really grind your bones into dust. “Splatter Beach” is for the undiscriminating B-movie fan. Come to think of it, is there another kind of B-movie fan? If you’re in dire need of a sea monster fix, rent “Humanoids from the Deep”. If that’s out, try “Deep Rising”. If that’s gone too, “Splatter Beach” might be able to tide you over until a good sea monster flick is available.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 shambling sea creatures
GRRRRR!!!!!

"Species: The Awakening" review

Species: The Awakening (2007)

Director: Nick Lyon
Writer: Ben Ripley

Helena Mattsson ... Miranda
Ben Cross ... Tom Hollander
Marco Bacuzzi ... Rinaldo
Dominic Keating ... Forbes McGuire
Marlene Favela ... Azura


A beautiful blonde has a problem. She just might be an alien. Her creator kept the truth from her all of these years in an effort to make sure he had his hot blonde “niece” with him at all times. Mad scientists can sometimes get attached to their evil experiments. They like to nurture them into their full hot blonde maturity. Unfortunately for the adopted Species monster, it seems her life span only lets her live to about 22 human years or so. That’s like 90 in Species years. They decide to take a road trip to Mexico to find an evil expert in Species biology who just might be able to save her.

Why is all this hand wringing over an alien beast happening in a “Species” sequel you ask? Good question. The filmmakers tried a different approach this time by trying to get us to care about the alien babe and her attempts to stay alive. Of course this perverts the very idea behind the franchise. The whole premise of these flicks is watching some beautiful alien woman try to mate with every man she sees before ripping his head off. The “Species” flicks give you a lot of eye candy before delivering the killing blow. In “Species IV”, we get a hot blonde who wants to stay human and not tear her way across town. This will not stand.

Fortunately there is a screw-up at the lab and the blonde monster starts giving in to her alien instincts. She goes out to mate and procreate with some doomed soul. There is also another beautiful Species creature, (Marlene Favela), who wants to destroy her. Marlene didn’t like her barging in on her good times and wants to finish her off. This will lead to a showdown between “Species” babes to see who will rule.

“Species the Awakening” is a fair B-movie. It won’t hurt you to watch it but there aren’t many scenes that are memorable. Actually, it’s pretty much fading from memory now. Also, the nudity and Species sleaze is light in this one. A little too light for my tastes. But both Species women get naked and a reasonable facsimile of a good time is had by all. Or maybe just some people will like it. At any rate, if you’re into the “Species” flicks, (and let’s face it none of them have been great movies anyway), you’ll probably get into it.


SCORE: 2 out of 4 killer Species

Marlene, Marlene, Marlene.

"Primeval" review

Primeval (2007)

Director: Michael Katleman
Writers: John D. Brancato

Dominic Purcell ... Tim Manfrey
Brooke Langton ... Aviva Masters
Orlando Jones ... Steven Johnson
Jürgen Prochnow ... Jacob Krieg
Gideon Emery ... Mathew Collins
Gabriel Malema ... Jojo

“Primeval” is a cry for peace disguised as a giant crocodile movie. I was wondering why the marketing for this one was so garbled. Now I know that the marketing department was just as confused as I was. I saw posters around town with a bunch of skulls and bones on it but had no idea what the movie was about. When filmmakers mess with time honored monster movie conventions, you usually end up screwing the pooch. “Primeval” screws a few pooches.

A bunch of reporters head into Burundi to do a story on Gustave, the giant killer crocodile that is feasting on a smorgasbord of Burundians. There is a warlord in the bush who likes the way Gustave operates so he emulates his monster friend by calling himself Little Gustave. Gustave controls the water and Little Gustave controls the land. But who controls this movie? Giant crocodile flick segues into African atrocity movie to give the filmmakers some mental relief that they’re not just wasting their time on another killer croc flick. The reporters decide it’s their duty to report back on the senseless murder going on in Burundi so they try to turn the B-crocodile flick into an A-action movie by matching wits with Little Gustave’s militia. Big Gustave gets upset that he is being forced out of his own movie.

“Primeval” is a mess but it has moments that make it an enjoyable mess. Gustave rips and tears anyone who is stupid enough to enter his habitat. He is a merciless monster who kills people just for fun. But Gustave moves too fast for a giant croc which exposes him for the fake digital effect he is. The blood and guts scenes are almost always set during a driving rainstorm which makes it hard to figure out exactly whose blood and guts is flying around. Then again, I’m always happy to spend some time with a giant man-eater so I had some fun watching “Primeval”. If you are not picky about your monster thrills, “Primeval” may be worth a look.

One last thought, the real point of “Primeval” is spelled out at the end of the movie where the reporter comments that humans are responsible for the monster that Gustave has turned into. Thanks to non-stop warfare in Burundi the lakes are filled with dead bodies which is where Gustave got his insatiable appetite for human flesh. The evil that men do gives rise to monsters. This would have been a cool idea for this movie if they had started out showing the militia dumping bodies into the lake. That way we could have watched Gustave grow into the beast that he is.

Watching human evil manifest itself as a monster is still a good idea for another horror movie. How about giant gorillas running amok through Rwanda in “Primeval 2”? Genocide crimes come back to haunt the killers! The gorillas take revenge and want total human genocide! Not that I’d endorse exploiting African warfare just to sell a B-monster movie but “Primeval” did it so they can keep the ball rolling.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 hopping mad Gustaves

"House on Hooter Hill" review

House on Hooter Hill (2007)

Directed by Jim Wynorski

Taylor Wayne (as Taylor Wane)

Glori-Anne Gilbert

It’s Déjà vu all over again in Wynorski land. His business model is set in stone. Any deviation from the softcore playbook will not be tolerated. Once again, his favorite cabin in the woods is the setting for yet another sex filled romp with as many large breasted women as the lease would allow. This one must have been filmed at the same time as “The Breastford Wives” as Taylor Wane and Glori-Anne Gilbert return for yet another round in the hot tubs. But this time there’s some inane plot device which allows women with enormous tits to have sex while music blasts over the action. Oh wait, that’s just like every other Wynorski sex flick.

Wynorski could teach mainstream cinema a thing or two about how to stretch a budget. Even the DVD case reeks of cheapness. There are two shots of Taylor Wane lifted right from the cover of “The Breastford Wives”. Why waste money on taking a new picture when you can spend it on something important? Like, for instance…hmmm…what does Wynorski think is worth spending money on? I don’t know but it’s definitely not new pictures of Taylor Wane for the cover. Speaking of the cover, I should also point out that Alexia Moore is displayed prominently on it but doesn’t appear anywhere in “House on Hooter Hill”. Of course she doesn’t. Why should I be surprised? I should just be grateful that there was actually a movie inside the DVD case.

Jim Wynorski and his softcore partner in crime Fred Olen Ray have pretty much cornered the market on late night sex flicks. Cinemax is flooded with their movies. They’ve created slick B-movie making machines which crank out the softcore flicks with brutal efficiency. To say Wynorski is in a rut is an understatement. All this softcore money has made him lazy beyond belief. But you know what? Who can blame him? If you had Cinemax bankrolling your life, wouldn’t you spend it on watching large breasted women have copious amounts of sex? The man knows what he likes.

“House on Hooter Hill” is exactly what you expect. Gilbert and her husband go up to the infamous cabin and proceed to bang anyone with a gigantic rack. Taylor Wane will leave her fortune to anyone who can figure out the secret clue she has left them. Amazingly, the secret to unraveling the clue lies in the women putting their breasts together and having a lot of sex. There are two guys and about six or seven girls. Everybody gets naked and a good time is had by all.

One thing still irritates me though. I’m going to have to file an injunction with the Softcore Film Board to bar Glori-Ann Gilbert from appearing in any more of these movies. When does this madness end? She blew two more lesbian scenes in this one and made me long for the days when Julie Smith was running around in Wynorski flicks. But of course, I always long for Julie Smith movies. Now there’s a woman you can depend on for some fun. I can depend on Gilbert to make me put my fast forward button to good use.

The best sex scene was at the beginning with Taylor Wane. She had a pretty good lesbian scene with another larger breasted girl in the hot tub. “House on Hooter Hill” was off to a good start. The rest of the movie is fairly standard although I did like the muscle-bound Xena look-alike. She didn’t really have any good sex scenes but she was a nice change of pace from the usual women who appear in these movies. Overall, “House on Hooter Hill” is a decent softcore flick. It’s worth a look.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Hooters girls, girls, girls

"Resident Evil: Extinction" review

Resident Evil: Extinction (2007)

Director: Russell Mulcahy
Writer: Paul W.S. Anderson

Milla Jovovich ... Alice
Oded Fehr ... Carlos Olivera
Ali Larter ... Claire
Iain Glen ... Dr. Isaacs
Ashanti ... Betty
Christopher Egan ... Mikey
Spencer Locke ... K-Mart
Mike Epps ... L.J.

Can anything stop the evil Umbrella Corporation from destroying what’s left of humanity? Can anything stop me from watching another “Resident Evil” movie? Once again, Milla Jovovich runs across zombies in the standard post-apocalyptic setting. The Umbrella Corporation is getting tired of living underground and wants a cure for the zombie plague they’ve unleashed on the world. Milla’s blood is the key to creating an anti-virus so they send a team to go and fetch her. But Milla is evolving into a super babe with powers beyond those of normal babes. The Umbrella Corp. resident mad scientist needs to gain new powers if he is going to defeat Alice. Long live the new flesh.

What is it about supermodels and guns? What is it about watching a beautiful woman lay waste to armies of the undead? Would these movies have worked at all if Alice wasn’t a hot harvester of death?I don’t believe they would have. The main selling point of these flicks is watching Jovovich splatter zombie guts all over the place while strutting her stuff like the supermodel she is. I can’t seem to get enough of it. When you wonder why they keep making these movies, think of me. More specifically, think of me forking over my soon to be spent eight dollars to someone sitting in a box office.

“Resident Evil: Extinction” is a throwaway movie made for some quick zombie thrills. The good news is that it works effectively. They throw in a few new scenes to spice up the zombie carnage. The zombie dogs are back but this time we get zombie birds. Come on, you know you love zombie birds. There’s also plenty of blood spilling to keep the gore level at an appropriate level. I had a good time watching Alice slice and dice her way through various zombie organs. “Resident Evil: Extinction” is worth a look.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 supermodel zombie killers

"SSI: Sex Squad Investigation" review

SSI: Sex Squad Investigation (2006)

Director: Thomas J. Moose
Writer: Andy Sawyer

Andy Alfrick ... Bob Jurunkle
Susie Best ... Hooker
Frank Bowdler ... President Shrub
John Paul Fedele ... John Honeysuckle
Angelina Havusinner ... Seductress
Natalie Heck ... Jessica Shrub
A.J. Khan ... Officer Katrina Lightbody
Lexi Martinez ... Christian Girl
Mckenzie Matthews ... Vice President
Thomas J. Moose ... Mickey Honeysuckle

It takes a man, not just any man mind you, but a man named Moose to bring the fun and sleaze back to Seduction Cinema. Thomas J Moose, not to be confused with Rocky J Squirrel, directs “Sex Squad Investigation” like someone who can’t get enough of watching pretty girls kiss each other. A Moose after my own heart.

“Sex Squad Investigation” is one of Seduction Cinema’s better softcore flicks. A film that revels in the joy of watching naked women suck each other’s nipples and lips. I ask you, isn’t this what fine cinema is all about? My man Moose thinks so. We are on the same wavelength.

So AJ Khan and her goofball partner are trying to track down a hot British seductress because sex is just not allowed anymore. They become tangled up in a mystery involving the president and his nympho daughter. Somehow the hot vice president, (Mckenzie Matthews AKA Caitlin Ross), is involved in the sex conspiracy but doesn’t partake in any of the carnal festivities. It’s up to AJ Khan to pick up the sex slack and wrap this ridiculous case up.

The first two sex scenes in “SSI” are top notch. The first scene had the British babe dressed in a nun outfit seducing a large breasted black woman. I was moved to tears during this scene for the extra effort to add a little mild kink to the softcore proceedings. The second sex scene had the temptress seducing a young blonde girl who was wearing a cheerleader outfit. This scene was also excellent as they couldn’t get enough of each other’s breasts and I couldn’t get enough of watching.

The rest of the movie was fairly standard. AJ Khan looked good but her sex scenes didn’t make me want to howl at the moon screaming her name as I usually do. But how about that vice president? Caitlin Ross has a great body with fantastic legs. Although she doesn’t have any sex scenes, she does get naked near the end and I’m a better man for it. Overall, I enjoyed this one. It’s worth a look.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 hot VP's

"Naked and Betrayed" review

Naked and Betrayed (2004)

Director: Woquini Adams
Writers: Edward Gorsuch April White

August... Crystal
Robert Baldwin... Detective
Barrett Blade... Cory
Tucker Cain... Jason
Mandy Fisher... Claire
Frank Harper... Michael
Gina Ryder... Stephanie
Julian Wells... Talisa

What’s more shocking than Julian Wells having sex with a man? Julian Wells having sex with the same man twice! What madness is this?! My world has spun out of its orbit and is heading towards the sun. Nothing makes sense anymore. Late night cable is getting too scary to watch.

Well, it’s actually not that scary. I saw that Julian Wells was in another sex flick and it’s my duty, nay, my privilege to watch her do her thing. This time she’s “Naked and Betrayed”. Some guy is going to get married and Julian joins the party at some secluded house. Misty Mundae was nowhere to be found so Julian grabbed some surfer dude to get things rolling. After their first bedroom encounter, they followed that up with some shower action. I was hoping she was going to console the bride to be by showing her some of those Seduction Cinema tricks she’s learned but the bride wasn’t interested. Come to think of it, there wasn’t any lesbian sex in this movie at all. Julian was truly betrayed.

There was some idiotic story playing out in “Naked and Betrayed” but I ignored most of the betrayal so I could concentrate on the naked. Some guy cheated on his wife and people started accusing each other and there was a dead hooker and some other stuff happened that may have been interesting but I doubt it. What is interesting is that Mandy Fisher, (the bride), has a great body. I loved all of her sex scenes and she’ll make her husband very happy. The rest of the sex scenes were fair. “Naked and Betrayed” is a standard late night adventure. You don’t have to search for it but if it’s on and you need a Julian Wells fix, you could do worse.

One last thought, speaking as a Julian Wells sex scene connoisseur, I’ve got to say that her scenes with men are just not doing it for me. I think Mundae has spoiled her. Nothing has topped the gold standard for Julian carnal delight which was the fireplace scene in “Seduction of Misty Mundae”. I highly recommend you find that movie and rejoice in everything Julian has to offer. She’ll be naked and you won’t be betrayed.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 seduction of naked Julians

"Ninja Cheerleaders" review

Ninja Cheerleaders (2007)

Director: David Presley
Writer: David Presley

Trishelle Cannatella... Courtney
Ginny Weirick... April
Maitland McConnell... Monica
George Takei... Hiroshi
Michael Paré... Victor Lazzaro
Omar J. Dorsey... Manny
Max Perlich... Jimmy 'The Snitch'
Natasha Chang... Kinji
Larry Poindexter... Detective Harris

I went to a cast and crew screening of “Ninja Cheerleaders” the other day. I was invited to go by my usual B-movie plus one. This time however, I was the plus one and he was the man. We rolled down Melrose to check out the flick with about 150 or so of our closest friends. Actually, we didn’t know anyone there. It’s more fun that way. So when people stare at you and wonder why you’re there, you can give them that mysterious look as if you totally belong there and they should know who in the heck you are.

After the movie was over, we hopped in the car and headed to a club over on Sunset. This was the after party for the screening and the alcohol was flowing. Unfortunately, my friend hadn’t figured out where the free booze was and bought two drinks at the bar. Later we learned the hard truth about Hollywood liquor prices and tears were falling. But once we found where the secret VIP booze was, all became right with the world. We talked up many members of the cast and crew to discuss what fortunes ultimately await their movie.

After two Red Bull and Vodkas, the Ninja Cheerleaders came over and we began talking about some other things but my memory is a little bit hazy on the details. All I do know is that one of the Cheerleaders was totally into me. Wait…is that what happened or did she leave faster than the Roadrunner? Before I could dwell on the subject, a dancing fire show broke out. Yes, I said a dancing fire show. I saw a girl in a Catholic schoolgirl uniform shaking her hips while a burning hula hoop went round and round her body. Ahh, good times man.

One of the main selling points of “Ninja Cheerleaders” is Trishelle Cannatella. Unfortunately, this selling point was lost on me as I despise reality TV and would only know of her existence if I had seen one of her many shows on MTV. After watching the movie, I was interested in talking her up for a bit at the party. She wasn’t there. Another selling point of “Ninja Cheerleaders” was George Takei as the wise Hiroshi. Getting the chance to gab with Mr. Sulu would have been pretty cool. He wasn’t there either. Oh well. I’ll always have my “Ninja Cheerleader” memories.

Three babes are cheerleaders by day and ninjas any other time they’re not cheering. They’ve been studying hard to get into an Ivy League school and need to win the go-go dancing tournament to pay for it all. Of course they do. But their concentration gets broken when their wise master gets kidnapped by some B-movie thugs. They can’t decide if they should waste the bad guys or go ahead with their go-go dancing. They decide their master would have wanted them to gyrate on stage for their academic future. This is a wise man. It all ends with a lot of bone crunching swordplay with George Takei showing why he is the master.

“Ninja Cheerleaders” is a total B-movie. The title doesn’t lie to you. They have cheerleaders and they have ninjas. You will see cheering and you will see, uh, ninjaing.

It’s a fun flick with the girls alternating between dancing on stage, cheering at the big game or breaking many arms and legs of hapless punks. The camera work is pretty good for a B-flick as all of the action scenes are coherent and keep moving. There’s not a lot of sleaze in this flick but that’s on purpose. They were trying to keep a light tone and managed to hold it throughout the movie. As a sleaze maniac, I was hoping for a little nudity from the ninja babes but I guess I’ll live with what I got. Overall, I had a good time. “Ninja Cheerleaders” is worth a look.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Ninja babes

"The Brave One" review

The Brave One (2007)

Director:Neil Jordan
Writers: Roderick Taylor Bruce A. Taylor

Jodie Foster ... Erica Bain
Terrence Howard ... Detective Mercer
Nicky Katt ... Detective Vitale
Naveen Andrews ... David Kirmani
Mary Steenburgen... Carol
Ene Oloja ... Josai
Luis Da Silva Jr. ... Lee
Blaze Foster ... Cash
Rafael Sardina ... Reed

“The Brave One” is a B-revenge movie pretending to be an A-list moral drama. It tries to show the scars vigilante justice leaves on your soul. There are many award winning names that spring out from the credits to try to convince you that this is more than just a “Death Wish” rip-off. Jodie Foster, Terrence Howard and Neil Jordan all team up to try to make the revenge fantasy genre respectable. But then another name shows up in the credits and lets you know that you’re in solid mainstream entertainment hands. Producer Joel Silver can bankroll pretty much anything he wants and he wanted Jodie Foster to blast some punks in NYC. Oh sure, she gets to cry now and again but what’s important here is that we get to see her have her cathartic healing process by blowing large holes in some New York scum.

Girls with guns have a long and proud tradition in B-cinema. Who could forget Zoë Lund in “Ms .45”?Zoë also took the fight to the NYC bad guys by letting them know whose running things when they taste the business end of her .45. Jodie Foster follows in Zoë’s footsteps by brandishing a 9mm so she can take out the trash.

Jodie and her fiancé, (of course he is), are walking through the park one night, deeply in love, and about to be beaten to a pulp. Foster survives the assault but her true love dies horribly. NOOOOOOO!!! Foster won’t stand for it. She is reluctant at first to give in to her inner Zoë but then her bloodlust gets the best of her. A good cop, (Howard), is on the case of the vigilante and starts eyeing Foster as a possible suspect. Could she be the 9mm killer and will he be able to stop her? Not likely. Once Foster embarks down the path of violence, nothing can stop her descent into her own personal Hell. Why should she stop when it feels so good?!

“The Brave One” attempts to show how wanton acts of violence can tear away at your soul. Every night Jodie scours the city looking for new criminals to shoot. After each killing, Foster wrestles with the moral dilemma of randomly murdering scumbags. In the theater I was sitting in, the message that “violence will scar you” was lost in hoots and hollers of perverse joy every time Foster unloaded her gun into some lowlife’s body. Jodie seemed to be having fun each night even if she regretted doing it in the morning. The revenge fantasy audience loved it too.

“The Brave One” wants it both ways. It wants to give in to the pleasure of seeing some dirtbag get what’s coming to him but then it tries to slap you in the face by showing how torn up Foster is over her killing spree. The problem is that Foster’s cure for her murder blues is to go out again and send another punk to his grave. Jodie never gets tired of killing and we never get tired of seeing her take back the night.

I enjoyed “The Brave One”. I love girls with guns movies and seeing Jodie mow down some NYC scum is what good times are made of. Jodie Foster is a great actress and only someone of her acting ability could make this movie halfway respectable. But sooner or later the rules of the revenge fantasy genre will drag Jodie to the bloody payoff scenes the audience is expecting. She knows what has to be done. Crime doesn’t pay when you mess with a well armed Foster.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 Ms. 9mm's

"Hatchet" review

Hatchet (2006)

Director: Adam Green
Writer: Adam Green

Joel Moore... Ben
Tamara Feldman... Marybeth
Deon Richmond... Marcus
Mercedes McNab... Misty
Kane Hodder... Victor Crowley/Mr. Crowley
Parry Shen... Shawn
Joleigh Fioreavanti... Jenna
Joel Murray... Shapiro

I saw this one at the Arclight in Hollywood. A bunch of college kids are in New Orleans for Mardi Gras. One of the guys gets bored with staring at naked breasts and wants to take a haunted swamp tour. This fool is in the right movie. Soon a gaggle of potential victims ends up in a murky swamp where a vicious killer resides. Victor Crowley despises other living things in his swamp and wants to take a hatchet to all of them.

“Hatchet” bills itself as “Old School American Horror”. I can now roughly translate that to mean: “Blood-splatter comedy”. When I first heard of this movie, I thought it would be a return to the vicious slasher flicks from the 80’s. But “Hatchet” is more interested in letting you cheer on the excessive blood spilling than in trying to scare you. There are plenty of gore scenes but they’re all done for laughs. This movie was designed for horror fans to watch with their buddies so that they can root for Crowley to hack off as many limbs as possible.

“Hatchet” is an entertaining horror flick. It’s not $11.00 at the Arclight entertaining but it’s worth a rental. There’s nothing original going on in “Hatchet” but that’s the point. It’s meant to let horror fans revel in the “old school” joys of watching a woman get her face ripped apart by a power saw and then watching another fool get hacked to death with a shovel. Ahh, the good old days. “Hatchet” is a proud B-movie which revels in its lowbrow nature. It shoots low and scores.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 hatchet hilarity

"Bad Reputation" review

Bad Reputation (2005)

Director: Jim Hemphill
Writer: Jim Hemphill

Angelique Hennessy... Michelle
Jerad Anderson... Aaron
Danielle Noble... Wendy
Mark Kunzman... Jake
Kristina Conzen... Heather
Dakota Ferreiro ... Debbie
Chris Basler ... Steve
Jennifer Holloway ... Carol Johnson



I saw “Bad Reputation” over at a friend’s house. It was time for a B-movie party and “Bad Reputation” seemed to fit the bill. So the pizza was ordered, the beer was passed around and all seemed right with the world. Pizza and beer is the backbone of any successful B-movie night and we had all the pieces we needed. I also brought over my GUITAR HERO: ROCK THE 80’s video game in the slight chance that “Bad Reputation” did not deliver the entertainment payoff we were all hoping for. There was much guitar playing this night.

“Bad Reputation” is about a student film masquerading as a horror flick. A blonde girl gets picked on for daring to be attractive around the popular girls. She gets gang raped during a party and the rumors start flying. The rumor is that the movie is going to start now. Sure enough, the blonde starts dressing provocatively and leading fools to their death. She embraces her bad reputation and lets her inner psychotic skank shine. It all leads to the climatic party scene where some vaguely interesting things happen, the movie ends and then we started playing Guitar Hero.

“Bad Reputation” is a low budget exercise in the “rape and revenge” genre. It trudges along from point A to point B exactly as you expect. The problem is that it’s just not entertaining enough to force yourself to trudge along with it. “Bad Reputation” can be skipped. There’s barely any blood and absolutely no nudity. You’d think a gang rape scene would force the rapists to take off her clothes but they didn’t need to since they preferred humping with their blue jeans on. Of course they do. It’s cheaper that way.


SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 Guitar Heroes with bad reputations

"Halloween" review

Halloween (2007)

Director: Rob Zombie
Writers Rob Zombie John Carpenter

Malcolm McDowell... Dr. Samuel Loomis
Brad Dourif... Sheriff Lee Brackett
Tyler Mane... Michael Myers
Daeg Faerch... Michael Myers, age 10
Sheri Moon... Deborah Myers (as Sheri Moon Zombie)
William Forsythe... Ronnie White
Richard Lynch... Principal Chambers
Udo Kier... Morgan Walker
Clint Howard... Doctor Koplenson
Danny Trejo... Ismael Cruz
Scout Taylor-Compton... Laurie Strode
Dee Wallace... Cynthia Strode
Sybil Danning... Nurse Wynn
Micky Dolenz... Derek Allen
Sid Haig... Chester Chesterfield

Michael Myers was a redneck. This is the big revelation in Rob Zombie’s “Halloween”. Michael grew up in a house full of white trash clichés and couldn’t wait to butcher them all. The other big revelation in “Halloween” is that Zombie is a fiend of the 70’s and cannot let it go. Much like his cinematic partner in crime Quentin Tarantino, Zombie loves and cherishes the B-movies from his youth and wants the world to know it so he packs his movie with a smorgasbord of horror icons. His films are reruns with people and places we’ve seen before going through the paces in the never ending B-movie playing in his head.

John Carpenter’s “Halloween” is a classic horror movie that cannot be duplicated. It is one of the few horror movies that I would consider a genuinely scary movie. Why someone would even try to remake it is a testament to Hollywood’s greed and stupidity. Although I have heard that this is technically a “re-imagining” of Carpenter’s movie but that rings false as various scenes are lifted straight out of the original movie.Although Zombie did have the common sense to not try to out do Jamie Lee Curtis. This version’s Laurie Strode has nothing on Curtis. The original “Halloween” focused on Strode’s Halloween night face-off against boogeyman Myers. Zombie’s version focuses on Michael Myers and his brutal blood lust. Zombie plays to his strengths.

Rob Zombie’s “Halloween” is the slaughterhouse version of “Halloween”. It’s the movie that tries to make us understand why Michael was a tortured soul and loved butchering people for our viewing pleasure. The back story of Michael Myers is the only thing Zombie adds to the movie and it’s completely unnecessary. Do we really need to understand the slasher and his wicked ways? In real life we do but in a slasher flick the fear of the unknown is what makes the movie scary. That’s what makes the killer’s mask work so well because we don’t know what hideous evil is hiding behind it. Thanks to Rob Zombie, now we do! And so now we know that Michael is a dumb hick who kills people. Thanks to Zombie for making Michael Myers a little less scary.

But if it’s one thing Zombie knows how to do, it’s spill the blood and guts. Myers goes about his hacking and slashing in a deadly serious manner. Zombie doesn’t have much of a sense of humor about horror flicks and prefers to show the gruesome killings as harshly as possible. Zombie’s “Halloween” certainly delivers the gore and there were one or two scenes I jumped at.

If Rob Zombie’s “Halloween” was just another sequel in the “Halloween” franchise, (which is really what it is), it would be a decent, bloody time killer. But comparing this version to Carpenter’s movie is no contest. John Carpenter’s “Halloween” blows this one away. Zombie needs to stop fantasizing over his drive-in double feature past and try to make something new. He explicitly understands the horror and exploitation movie trigger points and can crank out the blood and guts as well as anyone. But it’s time to let the 70’s go and move on. Although I was glad that someone finally found a use for Rush’s “Tom Sawyer”. I love that song. I also loved seeing Sybil Danning again. Well, maybe not all of the 70’s needs to be let go.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 mean mean Myers

"Undead" review

Undead (2003)

Directors: Michael Spierig Peter Spierig
Writers: Michael Spierig Peter Spierig

Felicity Mason ... Rene
Mungo McKay ... Marion
Rob Jenkins ... Wayne
Lisa Cunningham ... Sallyanne

A bunch of meteorites rain down on Australia. They have the unfortunate side effect of turning people into the living dead. As most of the town turns into blood thirsty ghouls, a few lucky ones manage to survive and band together in a house. The owner just happens to have a bomb shelter and a triple barrel shotgun handy for just such an emergency. Good thing they ran into him. Soon the zombies will converge on the house which gives everyone a chance to make some serious zombie splatter. Undead heads, arms and legs start flying off after being shot a few hundred times. The truth behind the undead plague slowly comes out and makes the movie more complicated than it needed to be.

“Undead” is a show-off movie. It takes the standard comedic zombie movie formula and blasts its way through with all three barrels. “Undead” is designed to highlight the horror movie making skills of its directors and serve as their blood-soaked calling card. There is nothing terribly innovative in “Undead” but it manages to serve up plenty of gore and guts to please the undiscerning horror fan. The sci-fi twist to the story felt like it was tacked on to show that the filmmakers love all of the B-movie genres and can excel at any of them.

That said, I still enjoyed “Undead”. I would certainly classify myself as an undiscerning horror fan. I keep watching these movies in the vague hope that someone out there just wants to entertain me with some visceral thrills. “Undead” keeps the zombie blood flying and the triple barreled shotguns blasting. It didn’t need to come up with some convoluted reason for the zombie outbreak but I can overlook it’s over ambition when the blood is spraying as much as it is. “Undead” is worth a look.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 triple barreled undead killers

"Bloody Mallory" review

Bloody Mallory (2002)

Director: Julien Magnat
Writers: Stéphane Kazandjian Julien Magnat

Olivia Bonamy ... Mallory
Adrià Collado ... Père Carras
Jeffrey Ribier ... Vena Cava
Laurent Spielvogel ... Le pape
Valentina Vargas ... Lady Valentine

B-movies cannot serve two masters. You are either down with providing cheap thrills to a desperate audience or you walk away from the cameras and no one gets hurt. “Bloody Mallory” is trying to get you to believe that it’s a French version of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” but it’s just another bait and switch. The B-movie setting is just a smokescreen so that “Bloody Mallory” can spend it’s time bashing the Catholic Church and the Pope. The Pope gets kidnapped and Mallory and the misfits go after him. At one point, the Pope gets lectured for his stance against sodomy. As one transsexual character says to the Pope, “Give me sodomy or give me death.” It was then that I knew that the movie was lost in a haze of its own perceived cleverness. Mallory and friends did not want to kill demons taking over the world. They just wanted the Pope to know that he’s wrong for denying them sodomy. *Sigh* Will the rip-offs never end?

Of course, I wasn’t expecting much from “Bloody Mallory”. I just wanted to see if Mallory could waste demons while looking hot in her red leather outfit. Not asking too much I think. Well, apparently it was. Any action scene in “Bloody Mallory” is lacking as Mallory doesn’t make for a convincing action hero. The fight scenes are brief and unimaginative. I’m not sure how Mallory got her nickname but there isn’t much blood splatter in this flick either. Demons croak the second Mallory looks at them. Also, her team of slayers are some of the lamest losers ever to grace a demon killing film. From the little girl telepath to the leggy transsexual, I didn’t care about any of them. It’s not often I root for the monsters to win, but I would have been happy if they would have ripped and clawed their way through this team of rejects.

“Bloody Mallory” is a bust. It promises a B-movie bonanza with a French Buffy but stiffs us at every turn. It’s a sad day when one of the few things I can remember from a B-movie is a cry for more sodomy. Why would anyone think that the Pope is going to be positive on sodomy? More importantly, why does the subject even come up in a demon slaying flick? I can only hope that the tranny got laid. He/She’s cry for help has really touched me. Let tranny’s be tranny’s for God’s sake! Thank you “Bloody Mallory” for wasting my time. I mean, showing me that killing monsters is secondary to pleading for guilt-free sodomy!

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 misfit Mallorys

"Killing Me Softly" review

Killing Me Softly (2002)

Director: Kaige Chen
Writers: Kara Lindstrom

Heather Graham ... Alice
Joseph Fiennes ... Adam
Natascha McElhone ... Deborah
Ulrich Thomsen ... Klaus

Heather Graham is in trouble. She’s in a bad movie and there is no escape. She falls hard for a mountain climber. Yes, a mountain climber. Joseph Fiennes is the dashing stud who takes Heather away from her mundane boyfriend and introduces her to a life of wild sexual abandon. They even try the missionary position! Alas, there is trouble in paradise as mysterious letters start showing up warning Heather of the terrible movie she’s in. This inspires her to act like there’s something interesting going on when the only thing interesting in this movie is figuring out when she’s going to get naked again.

Ever since seeing Heather Graham in “Austin Powers” as Felicity Shagwell, (and the accompanying Lenny Kravitz video for “American Woman”), I’ve longed for the day when Heather would show her beautiful breasts to the world. Like so many other horny suckers out there, I rented this movie for just that purpose. I had no idea what the story was about nor did I care. I just wanted Graham.

Well, ten minutes into the movie Graham is getting her shirt ripped open by Joseph Fiennes so he can have his way with her Grahams. Twenty minutes into the movie, she’s moved in with him for some more naked posings. Another twenty minutes go by and they’re married and having lame S&M sex on their honeymoon. By the hour mark, Graham is too suspicious of her intense husband to get naked again. At this point, the viewer sits back as the movie kills him softly with its inane dialogue, atrocious acting and various other scenes that don’t have anything to do with Heather Graham getting naked.

So “Killing Me Softly” peaks in the first ten minutes and goes downhill from there. On the plus side, “Killing Me Softly” has some really cheesy acting which leads to a lot of good laughs. I’m usually not one to bash acting abilities, but this movie does Heather Graham no favors. Graham did not convince me of any emotion she put on display. I didn’t believe that she was in love with Fiennes, obsessed with Fiennes, afraid of Fiennes, or even knew who Fiennes was. As a horny super agent in “Austin Powers”, she had reached the pinnacle of her acting ability. “Killing Me Softly” pushes her too hard and allowed the audience to have many belly laughs at her expense.

Since most of Heather Graham’s naked scenes in “Killing Me Softly” can be found on the internet, skip this movie and start downloading. You’ll miss some good laughs but you’ll see Heather in all her glory and that’s what’s important here.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 silk stalkings

"Sexual Suspects" review

Sexual Suspects (2005)

Director: Edward J. Kerry
Writer: L. Douglas Zajec

Jessica Jaymes ... Kate
Shyla ... Sierra (as Amanda Auclair)
Taimie Hannum ... Madison
Joe Souza ... Jack
Danny Pape ... Paul Dance
Kevin Harvilla ... Chase
Slim Shady ... Logan (as Dez)

I was given this DVD screener. “Sexual Suspects” is about a bunch of horny thieves on the run. They have stolen a bag of gold coins and need to put them in a safe until the coast is clear. In order for the thieves not to stress out about the bad guys gunning for them, they embark on a strict regimen of sex to keep their minds at ease. There are six sexual suspects stuck at the cabin and they will all get a chance to help each other unwind.In the first five seconds of “Sexual Suspects”, Amanda Auclair gets topless and proceeds to give head to a lucky guy driving a Jaguar. Amanda’s breasts are an amazing sight to behold. So within seconds, this movie has caught my interest. “Sexual Suspects” does not waste time in making it very clear what kind of entertainment it has to offer. Taimie Hannum shows up, has sex a couple of times and looks good doing it. One time has her on a table with the safe next to her while she yells out a famous line from “Marathon Man”. Taimie likes her Olivier.

Jessica Jaymes is the last of the female sexual suspects and looks amazing. There’s a great scene where she blows off Amanda’s advances but then realizes what a mistake she’s made and proceeds to play with herself. The camera goes back and forth between her and Amanda who is also playing with herself. These kinds of scenes usually don’t work for me but this time it hit. The music that was playing coupled with two beautiful women longing for each other made it happen.

“Sexual Suspects” goes through the motions of the B-softcore formula to deliver a reasonable enough way to spend your late night. Its tone is a little too serious to truly enjoy it but with their three hot suspects getting naked on a regular basis, there are plenty of sex scenes to keep you up at night.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 very sexual suspects

Amanda Auclair and Taimie Hannum. The "Call Girl Wives" combo is powerful.

Jessica Jaymes takes it over the top. Wow.

"The Erotic Diary of Misty Mundae" review

The Erotic Diary of Misty Mundae (2004)

Director: Helen Black
Writer: Helen Black

Anoushka ... Sexy Friend
Erin Brown ... Misty Mundae (as Misty Mundae)
Darian Caine ... Fantasy Girl 1
A.J. Khan ... Love Goddess
Julian Wells ... The Teacher

“The Erotic Diary of Misty Mundae” AKA “The Pimping of Misty Mundae” shows Seduction Cinema at its most shameless. They must have had a bunch of sex scenes lying around on the floor and wondered what to do with them. They needed some hook to haphazardly tie them together so they had Mundae blather on about how she has these strange sex fantasies that look a lot like Seduction Cinema clips. They had a couple of scenes of Darian Caine and Mundae going at it along with Ruby Larocca and Anoushka having a good time. Throw in a clip from a Julian Wells flick and they had a rough facsimile of a movie. Buy it suckers!

Seduction Cinema has been sitting on this one for awhile. It must have been stashed away for a rainy day. Now that Mundae has ditched her Misty past for “Erin Brown” town, it’s monsoon season over in Seduction land. Oh, they’ve got other girls in their stable but none that will click with the late night crowd like Mundae. I wish I could say I was one of the Misty fans but I’m not. She does fascinate me though. It’s all part of my never ending quest to understand why guys like her. It’s been explained to me but I still don’t get it. Its hard research but I don’t mind the long hours with Misty and friends.

“The Erotic Pimping of Misty Mundae” has several sex scenes that are (very) loosely tied together by voiceover from Mundae. She seems to have a fascination with Darian Caine so they have three sex scenes together. One scene has them having a pillow fight followed by naked tickling with a huge feather. This part of the diary wasn’t that erotic for me. Mundae also daydreams about Anoushka and Ruby having two sex scenes, one on a bed and one in a bath. The “movie” ends with a Julian Wells/Mundae clip from “Dr Jekyll and Mistress Hyde” which I would normally refer to as filler but that would imply that the rest of the movie wasn’t filler.

So the “Erotic Diary of Misty Mundae” is the first all-filler movie. It’s for people who truly get off on Misty Mundae and need more of her in their lives. Seduction Cinema also pulls the same trick they used in another stinker, “That 70’s Girl”, by showing all the sex scenes in slow motion. This is to cover up the fact that if they ran them at normal speed the movie would have lasted 45 minutes. They even have the nerve to rip-off one of the best sex scenes in “Mistress Hyde” but don’t let it grind on to the best part. The ending of the sex scene had a girl tied up in ropes while Julian went to work on her breasts. Now that my friend would have made a great entry in the erotic diary.

The only thing that saves this diary from getting thrown in the garbage is Anoushka. She has a look that I love. Great breasts, nice body and always knows what to do with the other woman. Even with her sex scenes crawling by in annoying slow motion, I still loved it. As for the rest of the diary, Mundae can keep her slow motion fantasies to herself. Unless you’re crazy for all things Misty, you can let this one go.

One last thought, instead of being credited as Dr Jekyll or Mistress Hyde, Julian Wells is credited as The Teacher. She certainly could teach Mundae a thing or two about the Sapphic arts. This teacher credit is fitting because as you know, Julian Wells invented sex. Well, actually that’s not true. There was sex before Julian Wells. But man, it wasn’t any good.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 love teaching Wells

"The Lord of the G-Strings: The Femaleship of the String" review

The Lord of the G-Strings: The Femaleship of the String (2003)

Director: Terry West

Writer: Terry West

Erin Brown ... Dildo Saggins (as Misty Mundae)

Darian Caine ... Horny

A.J. Khan ... Spam (as A.J. Kahn)

Barbara Joyce ... Araporn

Michael R. Thomas ... Smirnof, the Wizard

John Link ... Ballem

Anoushka ... Benadryl

Allanah Rhodes ... Hymen Torn
Julian Wells... Tree Nymph (as Juliette Charles)

Suzi Lorraine... Drusilla (as Kelli Summers)

Ahh Misty Mundae. That’s right, I said Misty Mundae. I do not, nor will I ever, accept the name “Erin Brown”. It might very well be her real name but I still won’t call her that. It’s Misty forever. There is no escape. It would be a better world if people would look upon starring in a string of lesbian sex flicks as a good thing. I know I have no problems with it. But I guess that’s obvious.

Mundae and friends are Throbbits. It’s kind of like being a Hobbit except you get laid a lot more. They need to destroy the deadly G-String before it falls into the wrong hands. Along the way, the Throbbits take the time to relax from the pressures of G-String destruction and have plenty of sex. One of the first sex scenes has Mundae getting it on with some hairy man. Odds Botkins! That G-String is so powerful its driven lesbian kingpin Mundae insane! Soon she comes back down to earth and gets back to kissing girls. Some other inane plot twists happen and the viewer ignores them in the hope that another sex scene will start soon. Thankfully there are two good sex scenes near the end which save Throbbit town from total destruction at the bottom of my garbage can.

I had to see “Lord of the G-Strings” after my cousin boldly proclaimed that this was the best of the late night Cinemax offerings. He also thinks Mundae is one of the better softcore performers. “Can’t you just let her disrobe in peace?” he said, “At least she doesn’t take it seriously. Most of the late night flicks are just some lame murder mystery with sex thrown in. Misty’s movies are fun. And by the way, her body is fine.” While I respect my cousin’s opinion, he’s also a guy who sees three to four movies a year and is definitely not an expert on late night softcore adventures.

So it’s the casual fans that truly get off on Misty Mundae. She is the non-threatening softcore star. But Mundae does not turn me on and this is a tragedy. You want your softcore stars to have a look and an attitude that screams sex. I look at Mundae and I want to send her packing back to Throbbit town. I’ve bashed Mundae enough in other reviews so I’ll just say that the main Throbbit once again left me cold. Sorry cousin. I can’t agree with you.

That’s not to say there aren’t some good things here. If there is one good thing about Mundae it’s that she is always ready to have an extended kissing session with whomever they put in front of her lips. She also is proficient in the art of licking nipples. And yes, it is an art. There’s a good four-way scene with Mundae, Darian Caine, A.J. Khan and another woman. A.J. is great in this scene as she pairs off with Caine for some extended lovemaking. There’s also a pretty good three-way scene near the end with Mundae, Khan and a TREE NYMPH. It ends the movie with some nice lesbian NYMPH action.

Overall, this was a decent Seduction Cinema flick. It’s got some hot lesbian action, (I love typing that), and some amusing scenes in between the hot lesbian action, (I did it again, WOO-HOO!). It’s worth a look.

One last thought, the IMDb has Julian Wells credited as TREE NYMPH in “Lord of the G-Strings” under the name “Juliette Charles”. This credit is incorrect as I can assure you that Julian is nowhere to be found in Throbbit town. I’d recognize her freckled body anywhere and the TREE NYMPH is not freckled beauty Wells. I believe the TREE NYMPH is actually Isadora Edison from “Suburban Secrets”. I know my Seduction Cinema babes and take my TREE NYMPH credits seriously. Wells may be a nymph, but she’s no TREE NYMPH.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 throbbing Mundaes

"Hellblock 13" review

Hellblock 13 (2000)

Director: Paul Talbot
Writers: Jeffrey Miller Michael R. Smith

Gunnar Hansen ... The Executioner
Debbie Rochon ... Tara
Jon Miller ... Prison Guard #1
Brian Kelly ... Prison Guard #2 (as Brian D. Kelly)
Jeff Jordan ... Doctor

Debbie Rochon is in prison for crimes against humanity. She gleefully killed many people and is excited about being executed. The giant prison guard, (Gunnar Hansen), wants to make her death wish come true. But before she takes the fast lane down the highway to Hell, Debbie wants to entertain Hansen with tales of murder and mayhem. She’s been writing stories down that she hears from the many ghosts that live in her Troma prison. Hansen listens with disgust to the three horror stories that Rochon spins for him.

“Hellblock 13” is an anthology movie from Troma. I’m not much of a Troma fan so I was a little worried that this was going to head down their usual path of bodily fluids and stupid jokes. But thanks to a maniacal Rochon and some gory horror tales, “Hellblock 13” turned out OK. This movie reminds me of why I like Rochon so much. I’ve always had a thing for long haired brunettes and Debbie is at the top of her game here. She plays a raving lunatic who lusts after blood and broken necks. She looks great in this one and is fun to watch as a wild killer scurrying about her cell.

The first story has a young mother having second thoughts about the children in her life. They might weigh her down so she decides to dump them overboard. The kids disapprove of mommy’s selfish ways. The second story is the funniest as a hick couple needs marriage counseling from an evil witch. The witch has a potion that may put the monster of a husband down for good. Or it could go awry as evil ways have a tendency to do in these kinds of movies. The last story is the weakest as a biker gang looks for salvation from a really hot, (and dead), biker chick. They need protection from cops and will perform a blood ritual to show how much they love hot chicks in leather.

“Hellblock 13” is a fun B-flick. Rochon knows how to tell some good blood and guts stories to pass the time before her execution. “Hellblock 13” also finishes strong as Rochon decides to carry out her sentence by putting a razor blade to good use. The anthology tales keep moving and deliver some good gore scenes. It’s worth a look.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 diabolical Debbies