"The Missing" review

The Missing (2003)

Directed by Ron Howard
Writing credits Ken Kaufman

Tommy Lee Jones .... Samuel Jones a.k.a Chaa-duu-ba-its-iidan
Cate Blanchett .... Maggie Gilkeson
Evan Rachel Wood .... Lilly Gilkeson
Jenna Boyd .... Dot Gilkeson
Aaron Eckhart.... Brake Baldwin
Val Kilmer .... Lt. Jim Ducharme

Cate Blanchett is Dr Quinn at her little house on the prairie. Tommy Lee Jones is her surly father who wants to make up with her on the advice of his witch doctor. Speaking of mysticism, a gang of Indians led by a Medicine Man kidnaps one of Cate's daughters. The daughter is "The Missing". Blanchett and Jones go searching for her. They are "The Searchers".

First, let me say that the missing girl was not worth saving. That's the first strike against "The Missing". She was annoying and stupid. Two people were killed because of her idiocy. She did not endear herself to me. She could stay missing.

But Blanchett and Jones seemed to like her so they rode on after her. I sat there wondering what their plan was to get this girl back from the Indians. I thought, "How would Clint Eastwood have handled this?" I'm certain Clint wouldn't have brought a little girl with him nor would he have wasted two seconds trying to buy the girl back. Jones was a man of inaction. He's bargaining with the Indians? "Please Medicine Man; Can I have my kidnapped granddaughter back? Pretty please?" Yeesh. Sickening. Clint would have wasted all of them and taken the prettiest girl for himself.

So there is something missing from "The Missing". Let's see, how about characters you care about, action set pieces that are exciting, etc. However, they did manage to make the Indians appropriately mean and brutal. They were professional slave traders. There could have been a good exploitative western here but instead we get Grandpa Jones and his inept battle plan.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 missing brats

"Private Parts" review

Private Parts (1997)

Directed by Betty Thomas
Writing credits Len Blum

Howard Stern .... Howard Stern
Robin Quivers .... Robin Quivers
Mary McCormack .... Alison Stern
Fred Norris .... Fred Norris
Paul Giamatti .... Kenny 'Pig Vomit' Rushton

"Private Parts" is the life story of Howard Stern. As told through the eyes of...Howard Stern. A bit one sided? Hmmm…yeah.

Howard Stern is a jerk. But that's good because that's what his audience wants to hear. Stern being a jerk to celebrities, porno stars and anyone else who walks on his radio show. His sidekick Robin laughs at his jokes and tries to rein him in a bit if he goes too far. Nothing fazes Stern as he proceeds to rip into anybody who tries to touch his radio show. But he's still a nice guy. Honest! The man may be a pig on the air but it's all just an act. He really, really loves his wife! Stern says so! It must be true!

So Stern weaves a valentine to his wife with "Private Parts". He may act loathsome sometimes but his heart is in the right place. "Private Parts" also sends some hate mail to one of his old bosses, "Pig Vomit". The scenes where Stern and Giamatti went at each other were hilarious. Paul Giamatti did a great job.

"Private Parts" is a funny flick. The phone sex scene was boobtastic. Overall, I enjoyed it. I'm just not sure how much I buy his nice guy routine. If his radio show is "Just an act", what's his movie? The truth? Nahhh...

SCORE: 3 out of 4 not so private Sterns

"Pearl Harbor" review

Pearl Harbor (2001)

Directed by Michael Bay
Writing credits Randall Wallace

Ben Affleck .... Capt. Rafe McCawley
Josh Hartnett .... Capt. Danny Walker
Kate Beckinsale .... Nurse Lt. Evelyn Johnson
Cuba Gooding Jr. .... Petty Officer Doris Miller
Jon Voight .... President Franklin Delano Roosevelt
Alec Baldwin .... Lt. Col. James Doolittle
Tom Sizemore .... Sgt. Earl Sistern

"Pearl Harbor" has one great battle scene. About forty five minutes into it, the battle of Pearl Harbor is shown. It's fantastic. I was surprised that it came so early because I knew "Pearl Harbor" was an "epic" and had a long way to go. Apparently they couldn't bear to end the movie on a downbeat note so the flick goes on to show the Americans striking back at the Japanese. I can live with that amount of cheese. But the super helping of double cheese that is the love triangle choked me to death. It smothers "Pearl Harbor".

It's a shame too because the battle scene is so good. I couldn't bear to watch this movie again because of that super fake love story. Now putting a love story in a war movie is not in and of itself a bad thing. But the makers of this flick have no concept of real human emotions. Everything they know about love comes from watching other movies. Bad movies too. Corny is putting it nicely. Making love in the parachute room? Come on man. Bleech. There are more examples of cheese but it's not worth going into. It was too much and too fake.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 love disasters

"Six Days Seven Nights" review

Six Days Seven Nights (1998)

Directed by Ivan Reitman
Writing credits Michael Browning

Harrison Ford .... Quinn Harris
Anne Heche .... Robin Monroe
David Schwimmer .... Frank Martin
Jacqueline Obradors .... Angelica

Anne Heche and Harrison Ford are trapped on a deserted island. Ahh, romance must be in the air. Well, actually it's not. The "happy" couple bickers and argues and hilarity does not ensue. Some pirates get thrown into the mix in a desperate attempt to inject some action into the proceedings. No plot device can save this film from mediocrity.

There is a bright, shining lie in this flick which strains creditability to the breaking point: There is not a man alive who would give up a life with Jacqueline Obradors for one with uptight Anne Heche. No amount of time spent on an island prison is going to change his mind.

So I'm sitting there watching Ford and Heche go through the motions of falling in love and all I could think about was how lucky Schwimmer was back on the island with Obradors. Ford should have slapped together a bamboo raft and paddled as hard as he could to get back to his mamacita. Heche is attractive in her own way but comparing a life with her to one with Obradors is a no-brainer. Obradors all the way. Ford must have had no brain or else it was fried from the jungle heat.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 island babe Obradors

"Dracula III: Legacy" review

Dracula III: Legacy (2005)

Directed by Patrick Lussier
Writing credits Joel Soisson Patrick Lussier

Jason Scott Lee .... Father Uffizi
Jason London .... Luke
Roy Scheider .... Cardinal Siqueros
Diane Neal .... Elizabeth Blaine
Alexandra Wescourt .... Julia Hughes
Rutger Hauer .... Dracula
Stephen Billington .... Dracula (flashback)

Why can't anyone make normal vampire flicks anymore? Why does every movie try to swing for the fences? I would love to see a straight up the middle vampire movie again. "Fright Night" is a good example of an entertaining vampire movie. "Dracula III" is another in a long line of goofy vampire slayer movies that bite off more than they can chew.

So a vampire slayer goes to Romania with his annoying sidekick. They are there to look for a lost girl and kill Dracula. Apparently Dracula is trying to take over the entire country! There is a whole rebel army trying to wipe him out. So our slayers wander around the countryside, killing vampires when they can, until they stumble upon Dracula's lair. Could he be staying at the big scary castle which is the only thing that exists at the end of the only road out of town? Possibly.

"Dracula III" has some good points. There's some decent blood and gore, a few cool fight scenes and a particularly sleazy blood sucking party at Dracula's pad. I guess Dracula's ladies would rather suck each other's blood than have to actually go out and get some themselves.

But "Dracula III" is so relentlessly stupid and edited so badly that I started to lose interest in it by the fifteen minute mark. While I've never seen a vampire attack somebody while wearing a mask and walking on stilts, I still have to wonder why a vampire would think that that's a good idea. He wouldn't of course but the filmmakers thought it would look cool. That sums up "Dracula III". It's a collection of random vampire scenes that were stapled together to give the illusion of a coherent movie.

Unless you desperately need to see vampires getting wasted, it can be skipped.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 holy slayers

"The Crazies" review

The Crazies (1973)

Directed by George A. Romero
Writing credits Paul McCollough George A. Romero

Lane Carroll .... Judy
Will MacMillan .... David (as W.G. McMillan)
Harold Wayne Jones .... Clank
Lloyd Hollar .... Colonel Peckem
Lynn Lowry .... Kathy Bolman

A virus gets released into the water supply of a small town. The army seals off the town in order to stop the outbreak. "Trixie" the virus drives people insane. The townspeople become "The Crazies". Or is the military "The Crazies"? Am I crazy for buying this DVD?

"The Crazies" is a well made film. Unfortunately, it is far too ambitious for its budget. It wanted it all: Nuclear weapons, town quarantine, army divisions, mass riots, and general craziness all on a shoestring budget. It was cheap and it showed. It tried its best but in the end it was unsatisfying. It's the kind of flick where if a helicopter goes down, you'll see it fly out of sight and then a puff of smoke will rise to simulate a crash landing. It had a few decent gore effects but not enough to save it.

But what really disappointed me about this movie was how not crazy "The Crazies" were. If everyone affected by the virus had become a homicidal maniac then I might have been satisfied. But the virus affected people in different ways. Very lame ways. Take Lynn Lowry's character. When the crazy virus attacked her, it released her inner flower child. She wasn't really crazy. It was more like she was high. She should have been lunging for the army men's throats; not skipping along the grass to her doom.

"The Crazies" is a well directed thriller but too cheap and too tame to be really worthwhile. It needed an injection of cash and carnage.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 crazies killing crazies

"Ginger Snaps Back" review

Ginger Snaps Back (2004)

Directed by Grant Harvey
Writing credits Stephen Massicotte Christina Ray

Katharine Isabelle .... Ginger Fitzgerald
Emily Perkins .... Brigitte Fitzgerald
Nathaniel Arcand .... The Hunter/The Indian
JR Bourne .... James
Hugh Dillon .... Reverend Gilbert
Adrien Dorval .... Seamus

My brother and I rented this one. Poor Ginger. She just can't get a break. No matter what time period she's in, she just keeps snapping. She's a surly teenage 21st century girl, she snaps. She's trying to help her sister, she snaps. She's a surly teenage 19th century girl, she snaps. Snap, snap, snap. The next sequel should propel Ginger into the future. "Ginger Snaps Forward". How about Ginger in a space station on the moon? She could snap everyday! She looks outside the space station, "Full moon...Again? RARRRRRHH!!"

As "Ginger Snaps" flicks go, this one was my favorite. "Ginger Snaps Back" is a straight forward B-movie. The sisters run into a fort that is being besieged by werewolves. Ginger gets attacked and starts to slowly snap under werewolf pressure. The rest of the movie has plenty of blood and guts as Ginger indulges her animal instincts. I had a good time.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 snapping Gingers

"They" review

They (2002)

Directed by Robert Harmon Rick Bota
Writing credits Brendan Hood

Laura Regan .... Julia Lund
Marc Blucas .... Paul Loomis
Ethan Embry .... Sam Burnside
Dagmara Dominczyk .... Terry Alba

Beware the PG-13 horror movie. It teases and teases but does not deliver. The concept was solid. Night terrors/beasts/things are attacking kids again after taking a break for a couple of years. So where was the payoff? Usually the characters have to go through the usual hoops where no one believes them, they must be crazy etc. This one never lets up and the grown kids are left to fend for themselves. It gets annoying after the third, "Here, rest awhile, you're just under stress" scene.

So where's the monster attack? All I saw were lights turning off and cars stopping. It was like they said, "Let's make things dark now and it will be scary. Who needs a monster?" Technically they were there but all I saw were blurs and shadows. No good.

Another downside is that I couldn't wait for the lead character to die. Couldn't wait. She did not inspire sympathy. Whine, whine, whine.

In a nutshell, weak.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 scary things happening off screen to characters I don't care about

"Frightmare" review

Frightmare (1974)

Directed by Pete Walker
Writing credits David McGillivray Pete Walker

Rupert Davies .... Edmund Yates
Sheila Keith .... Dorothy Yates
Deborah Fairfax .... Jackie
Paul Greenwood .... Graham
Kim Butcher .... Debbie

So a lot of psychobabble and screeching sisters happen in this flick. Basically it's all about family and the best possible care for psychotic relatives. It seems like Grandma nutcase might be having a "relapse" and has gone about doing what she does best. Kill, my pretties, kill! Oh, what is to be done about granny? What about the wayward sister? Let's analyze her too! The whole family is lopsided. That includes the main character Jackie for putting up with it all.

I guess what I'm saying is the whole family could have dropped dead and I wouldn't have cared. What exactly were we supposed to care about? Whether or not granny would be exposed or the little sister would find out? I'm not sure.

Sure there were a few bloody scenes but it all looked fake. Grandma attacking with her pitchfork is not what I would call pure terror. How anyone in the world could let themselves fall victim to her is beyond me. "Frightmare" was not frightening.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 granny attacks

"Beneath Loch Ness" review

Beneath Loch Ness (2001)

Directed by Chuck Comisky
Writing credits Shane Bitterling Chuck Comisky

Patrick Bergin .... Blay
Lysette Anthony .... Elizabeth
Brian Wimmer .... Case

Can you guess what is "Beneath Loch Ness"? If you guessed a Loch Ness Monster, give yourself a pat on the back and a cookie. A bunch of scientists find Nessie and decide to film it and then kill it. The F/X was terrible as was the movie. Boring and pointless. Some B-movies are just too ambitious for their own good. If you don't have enough money to show a cool Nessie, go make another movie. Like a killer dog flick. That's good and cheap.

One scene has a male and female scientist arguing and screaming at each other only to have the male scientist yell, "Is this because we were married?!" I had no idea they were divorced before he said that. I wondered why this was important to a Loch Ness Monster movie. Then I realized I didn't care if they were divorced but in love, just divorced, widowed, single or secretly married. It was an annoying plot point which took my mind away from an annoying movie.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 cheap Nessies

"Daredevil" review

Daredevil (2003)

Directed by Mark Steven Johnson
Writing credits Mark Steven Johnson

Ben Affleck .... Matt Murdock/Daredevil
Jennifer Garner .... Elektra Natchios
Colin Farrell .... Bullseye
Michael Clarke Duncan .... Wilson Fisk/The Kingpin
Jon Favreau .... Franklin 'Foggy' Nelson
Scott Terra .... Young Matt
Ellen Pompeo .... Karen Page
Joe Pantoliano .... Ben Urich

I have collected many "Daredevil" comic books over the years. I have all of the Frank Miller "Daredevil" comics and I would consider them some of the best ever written. I went into the "Daredevil" movie with expectations for a cool flick. For the most part, I was satisfied. Here are my thoughts:

*VARIOUS SCENE SPOILERS*

First, I was struck by the amazing similarity the Elektra death scene in the movie had to the Elektra death scene in the comic. It was copied down to the last detail. Issue #181 had Elektra's death. From the ace up Bullseye sleeve to his saying of, "And for my next trick.", the scene was lifted word for word from Frank Miller's comic. They even had the bulge in Elektra's back from the sai just like in the comic.

Character thoughts: Of course the Kingpin was white in the comic but I think Michael Duncan did a good job. He had the menace of the Kingpin down. As far as Bullseye, what was up with his forehead? Why not give him his blue costume? This is the problem when you have a movie star as a villain. If you cover his head, people can't see him! Bullseye would have looked better with his costume. Elektra wore hot red in the comic. She had a great outfit. Where was her headband? Elektra still looked good in the movie but black leather seemed kind of plain. Red was hotter. Which brings us to Daredevil himself. Affleck did a good job. The costume looked good too. One thing that bewildered me was the amount of times Daredevil was unmasked. Everybody was tearing that mask off. Was it an excuse to get the movie star face on screen or is the movie Daredevil an incompetent dolt who can't keep his mask on? He needs to add a couple of buttons to the back of his mask.

One strike against the flick was the soundtrack. It stunk. Every time there was an emotional scene the soundtrack would blast out how the audience should feel. The song playing over the funeral was foul. The tune that was blasting out when Elektra was training also reeked. When we see the Kingpin for the first time, a song comes up, "I'm an outlaw!". The first appearance of Bullseye was accompanied by, "I'm an Irish thug!" or something like that. It wasn't good.

But overall, I enjoyed myself. There were plenty of good fights. "Daredevil" was a decent action flick.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 blind devils

"Scarecrows" review

Scarecrows (1988)

Directed by William Wesley
Writing credits Marcus Crowder Stephen Gerard

Ted Vernon .... Corbin
Michael David Simms .... Curry
Richard Vidan .... Jack
Kristina Sanborn .... Roxanne
Victoria Christian .... Kellie

I bought the unrated video for five bucks. There's nothing I like more than to sit down and watch a Heist/Killer Scarecrow movie. It's amazing how well these two genres meld together. A bunch of robbers skydive into a haunted cornfield. They are looking for their money. The scarecrows are looking to fillet and stuff them. The thieves will have to do battle with the scarecrow crew if they want their loot back. Let the battle begin.

I enjoyed this film. The version I saw had plenty of good gore effects. The scarecrows are lonely monsters who want their intruders to enjoy the benefits of a good stuffed torso. If they get their hands on you, it's stuffing time. They usually do get their hands on people because the thieves just can't bear to let the money go. I guess if they weren't greedy, they wouldn't be professional crooks.

Overall, this is a solid B-movie. Blood, guts and stuffings. It's worth a look.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 killer scarecrows

"I Spit on Your Grave" review

I Spit on Your Grave (1978)
AKA Day of the Woman

Directed by Meir Zarchi
Writing credits Meir Zarchi

Camille Keaton .... Jennifer Hill
Eron Tabor .... Johnny
Richard Pace .... Matthew
Anthony Nichols .... Stanley
Gunter Kleemann .... Andy

"I Spit on your Grave" is the greatest rape and revenge flick ever made. It is brutal, powerful, sleazy and exploitative. It is also quite effective and will probably leave scars on you. Obviously, it's a must see.

A female writer goes out into the woods to get some work done. Four locals start checking her out and decide they want more. Now, at this point you are expecting a rape scene. You know its coming. So the locals take her in the grass and have their way with her. It's not a very graphic rape. I was expecting to be shocked but I wasn't. It was at this point that the movie really began. As the writer walks away, she is pounced on and raped a second time. This scene was brutal. There is no music or editing done on the rape scene. It is shot as if you are really there watching it happen. She is pinned down on a rock and screams for her life. Does the movie want you to enjoy what you're seeing or would it rather have you be disgusted at the sexual violence? I don't know. I would imagine it wants it both ways. Horror fans will probably love the thrill of being shocked while others will be repulsed.

What really takes "I Spit on your Grave" over the top is the next rape scene. Yes, she's raped a third time. She crawls back to her house and is violated again. Now we know that these men are cretins and deserve everything they've got coming to them. The rest of the movie has the writer dishing out bloody death to the lecherous men. She knows the power her body has over them and decides to use it so that she can spit on their graves.

I found this movie to be a brutal gut punch. The rape scenes were tough to watch. "I Spit on your Grave" is not just some cheap horror flick. It is undeniably shocking and well made. For horror fans looking for something to really hurt them, "I Spit on your Grave" will do it.

SCORE: 3.5 out of 4 for the ultimate rape and revenge flick

"Things to Do in Denver When You're Dead" review

Things to Do in Denver When You're Dead (1995)

Directed by Gary Fleder
Writing credits Scott Rosenberg

Andy Garcia .... Jimmy 'The Saint' Tosnia
Christopher Lloyd .... Pieces
William Forsythe .... Franchise
Bill Nunn .... Easy Wind
Treat Williams .... Critical Bill
Jack Warden .... Joe Heff
Steve Buscemi .... Mister Shhh
Fairuza Balk .... Lucinda
Gabrielle Anwar .... Dagney
Christopher Walken .... The Man with the Plan

Jimmy the Saint is on the dangle. The Man with the Plan is paying 50 large for an action. Jimmy gets together a crew. He ropes in all the pig brothers from back in the day: Critical Bill, Franchise, Pieces and Easy Wind. They screw up the job and become Buckwheat's. Buckwheat's! Jimmy the Saint has things to do in Denver before he's dead. Someday he'll have his boat drinks.

Do real gangsters talk like this or only hyper movie gangsters? If the above dialogue amuses you, you may like this movie. Jimmy the Saint and crew botch a job for the boss and talk and talk about it. I liked the scenes where they would huddle together to have their skull sessions. If you're not in the mood for a gangster vocabulary lesson, stay away.

The rest of the movie is not that interesting. Jimmy has a love interest which goes nowhere. We get to see scenes from Jimmy's business which also go nowhere. There are some violent spots but nothing too outrageous. The only thing good about this flick is the dialogue. But even that tends to wear out its welcome. Still, it's worth a look if you like gangster movies.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 Hollywood gangsters

"The Underground Comedy Movie" review

The Underground Comedy Movie (1999)

Directed by Vince Offer
Writing credits Vince Offer Dante

Barbara Snellenburg .... Supermodel #1/Virgin/Beautiful Girl/Boobwatch Girl #4 (as Barbara Snellenberg)
Rebecca Chaney .... Supermodel #2/Pregnant Girl/Lesbian #3/Co-host of Bag Lady Pageant
Vince Offer .... Batman/Fetus Salesman/JJ Cool/Flirty Harry/Vincenzo Bulafungu
Karen Black .... Mother
Ant .... Gay Man
Michael Clarke Duncan .... Gay Virgin
Joey Buttafuoco .... Sonny
Slash .... Miss America Bag Lade Pageant Host

My brother bought this for me after seeing an ad on TV. He had asked me if I knew anything about it before buying it. I had seen some ads for it, heard it was playing at midnight shows in L.A. and New York. I also heard Slash was in it and it was disgusting. So I gave him the green light. There were parts that were funny, parts that were disgusting. I just can't get over how bitter and jaded it is. This was made by a guy who must despise L.A./Hollywood and the lack of appreciation they've shown him.

We are reminded many times in the movie that the main characters name is Vince Offer. He was also the director/writer/everything else on the movie. He sings a take off on "The Naked Gun" song "I Love LA" called "I Hate LA". He's talking to mobsters and they say something like, "I'm going to make them an offer." To which Vince replies, "A Vince Offer?" Yeesh. If you were going to sell yourself, couldn't you be a little more cool about it? I hope he makes his peace with whatever is bugging him.

That said, there were some parts that I liked. The Gay Virgin was hilarious. So were the porn reviewers. I especially liked the Japanese porn movie. Unfortunately there were a lot more sketches that fell flat. The flat sketches outweighed the funny ones.

But the ending sums up the movie. I think it was made to get back at all the people who have given him a hard time in Hollywood. There is a jab in the credits to the people behind "There's Something about Mary". Some sort of bad blood there. This was the Vince Offer attack. Will there be a "Mary" counter attack? Probably not.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 Offers

Vince Offers

"The Recruit" review

The Recruit (2003)

Directed by Roger Donaldson
Writing credits Roger Towne Kurt Wimmer

Al Pacino .... Walter Burke
Colin Farrell .... James Douglas Clayton
Bridget Moynahan .... Layla Moore
Gabriel Macht .... Zack

Talk about blowing it. Here you have a subject matter, CIA Training, which holds a lot of possibilities for a cool movie. But every part of this flick was as generic and dull as you could get. Technically it's not a bad movie. There is nothing wrong with the way it's made. The problem is in the story itself. It's just not interesting enough.

There are two parts to this flick. The first part is the CIA Training for the recruit. So they're going through the motions on the Farm. But every part of the training is dull and lifeless. Nothing was specific to the CIA. They could have just as well have been training at the FBI, NSA, or any other government acronym. Where was the cool spy stuff? How about how to assassinate someone? Or how to plant a car bomb? Or how to buy off a warlord in Afghanistan? Couldn't this flick have been a little timelier? We've seen people practice breaking into a house before.

This leads to part two of the flick. So the recruit "graduates". What assignment do they put him on? Follow the pretty girl! Wow. This movie went out of its way to be lame. Couldn't they have sent him to the Middle East or Afghanistan? The movie devolves into the standard double agent has got the code/disk/microfilm and someone else has got to get it from them.

Wasted opportunity. It should have been cool but it wasn't.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 recruits on the job

"Bulletproof Monk" review

Bulletproof Monk (2003)

Directed by Paul Hunter
Writing credits Ethan Reiff Cyrus Voris

Yun-Fat Chow .... Monk With No Name (as Chow Yun-Fat)
Seann William Scott .... Kar
Jaime King .... Jade
Karel Roden .... Strucker
Victoria Smurfit .... Nina

Chow Yun-Fat makes a kiddie action movie. He's a monk. The "Bulletproof Monk". He protects a powerful scroll that the bad guys want. He journeys to America to find a new guardian for the scroll. He comes across Stifler from "American Pie" and decides he is funny enough to hang onto the magic scroll. Fighting and B-movie goofiness commence.

I always try to get a feel for how a movie is going to be by checking out two things before the flick starts. One is the trailers they put before the movie. The other is the makeup of the audience. "Jeepers Creepers 2" was one of the trailers. I found this to be encouraging. Then I took a look at the audience. All families. All with little kids. I knew I was sunk.

"Bulletproof Monk" is not a bad flick. It's just a very juvenile movie. Much more so than I anticipated. Chow Yun-Fat is not in his usual mass killing mood. Of course he's a monk so that shouldn't be too surprising. One scene has him in his iconic pose with a gun in each hand. You can't help but cheer. But instead of blasting the bad guys away in slow motion, he shoots the guns out of their hands like he's in some Wild West show. Tragic.

Seann William Scott, (Kar/Stifler forever), shows up as the fast talking American who Chow takes a liking to. He is the Golden Child that Chow must protect and nurture. Scott is a funny guy. Although he bulked up for this role, I can't see him as a tough guy action hero. There was some mighty stretching going on to buy his kung fu routine.

On the plus side, the big fight at the end was good. Any movie with a super strong Nazi doing battle with a monk I have to like in some way. But the rest of the movie was very tame. It was a little too jokey and adolescent. Chow Yun-Fat and kiddie action movies are not the mix B-movie fans crave.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Golden Child Stiflers

"Shogun Assassin" review

Shogun Assassin (1980)

Directed by Robert Houston
Writing credits Robert Houston Kazuo Koike

Tomisaburo Wakayama .... Ogami Itto
Kayo Matsuo .... Supreme Ninja
Minoru Ohki .... Master of Death
Akiji Kobayashi .... Master of Death
Shin Kishida .... Master of Death
Akihiro Tomikawa.... Daigoro (as Masahiro Tomikawa)

A samurai called Lone wolf and his cub are traveling through the countryside. They're trying to get away from the Shogun and all of his ninja assassins. Thankfully the baby carriage Lone Wolf is pushing around is armed to the teeth. There are blades popping out of every part of this thing. His son is a quick study too. He knows where all the buttons are so he can get in on the killing action. It all leads to a final showdown against the "Masters of Death". They are three ninjas who look amazingly like the three main goons from "Big Trouble in Little China".

Highly enjoyable samurai movie. The blood was spurting out by the gallons. Sometimes you could even tell when a guy was holding a hose to his chest while the blood gushed out.The ninjas didn't count on facing the baby carriage from Hell. They die very badly.

SCORE: 3.5 out of 4 baby carriages of death

"Crawlspace" review

Crawlspace (1986)

Directed by David Schmoeller
Writing credits David Schmoeller

Klaus Kinski .... Doctor Karl Gunther
Talia Balsam .... Lori Bancroft
Barbara Whinnery .... Harriet Watkins
Carole Francis .... Jessica Marlow
Tane McClure .... Sophie Fisher (as Tane)

I bought this DVD. Karl Gunther, (Klaus Kinski), has a thing for his tenants. He rents out a couple of rooms to some hot women. Karl likes to see what they're up to so he has invented an elaborate crawlspace system to spy on them all. When he gets disturbed by what he sees, he makes a "Tap Tap Tap" sound. The women follow the tapping to his upstairs dungeon where many comical and deadly traps await them.

This movie is hilarious. You should see it. Karl has a trap waiting in every room in his apartment building. Karl used to be a Nazi and it's hard to shake the old habits. He doesn't like to get his hands dirty so he always has his booby trap remote control handy. For instance, when the women were just sitting around an apartment and boring Karl to tears, he pressed a button and a giant rat marched into the room. This is how Karl entertains himself. Watching women scream from the crawlspace makes for a fascinating pastime.

I enjoyed this one. Karl and his mania for crawlspace voyeurism and bloody traps entertained me.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 madman Karls

"Blue Sunshine" review

Blue Sunshine (1976)

Directed by Jeff Lieberman
Writing credits Jeff Lieberman

Zalman King .... Jerry Zipkin
Deborah Winters .... Alicia Sweeney
Mark Goddard .... Edward Flemming
Robert Walden .... David Blume

I'm sad. Despondent. Blue. I bought this DVD. Yep, I paid 20 something dollars for this movie. I had never seen it before but I read all of the reviews saying that it was a good thriller. So I bought it. I sold it within two weeks for $15.

"Blue Sunshine" is a big disappointment. The movie is set up as a mystery. But since every description of this flick mentions that bald hippies go crazy after taking bad acid, what's the mystery? I'm watching Zalman King run around trying to figure out why his friend went nuts and I just kept wondering when the attack of the bald hippies was going to start. The movie is more than halfway over before bald people attack and then I wondered: Why did I want to watch ex-hippies get homicidal? What was the appeal here? I don't know.

There is no gore or shocks in this flick. A bald hippy chick looked like she was going to slice and dice some annoying kids. That would have been demented enough for me. Nothing interesting happened though. That sums up the movie. It stole my sunshine.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 crazy bald hippies