"A.I.: Artificial Intelligence" review

A.I.: Artificial Intelligence (2001)

Directed by Steven Spielberg
Writing credits Brian Aldiss Ian Watson

Haley Joel Osment .... David
Frances O'Connor .... Monica Swinton
Jude Law .... Gigolo Joe
William Hurt .... Prof. Hobby

My dad and I went to see this one. As we were leaving the concession stand, a lady asked the guy behind the counter if he had seen "AI". He said, "Yeah. Bring some tissues. It's a tearjerker." My dad and I looked at each other in horror. Here I thought it would be a cool, sci-fi movie about a robot boy. Instead it was robot "Pinocchio". Total disaster.

This movie fails because of one single reason. It asks you to care about the robot boy and see him as more than an appliance of the future. Not at one point did I ever, EVER, think he was anything but a machine. He was not a boy. I didn't care if Robo-kid ever got the love a robot deserves.

So Robo-lad gets kicked out of his home and begins a quest to become a boy and then mommy will love him. So now, the audience is supposed to get very emotional about his quest. My dad was nudging me and begging me to leave early. This man is a sci-fi nut and would sit through almost anything. Remember that old black and white movie that had the guy in a gorilla suit with a fish bowl on his head? He thought that was pretty good. Now he's ready to bolt out of the theater. Bad sign.

No tears were jerked from me. I almost laughed my head off at the end with facsimile mom and the "happy" ending for Robo-squirt.

Robo kid wanted his mommy. I want my money back. Oh man was it bad.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 because Supertoys are still only toys

"Attack of the 60 Foot Centerfold" review

Attack of the 60 Foot Centerfold (1995)

Directed by Fred Olen Ray
Writing credits Steve Armogida

J.J. North .... Angel Grace
Ted Monte .... Wilson
Raelyn Saalman .... Inga
Tammy Parks .... Betty
Tim Abell .... Mark
Jay Richardson .... Bob Gordon
Michelle Bauer .... Dr. Joyce Mann
Nikki Fritz .... Rosita

Before renting "Attack of the 60 Foot Centerfold", I only had one thought on my mind: If this movie doesn't have a giant topless woman, it will be an absolute failure. I'm pleased to tell you that there are giant naked breasts in this film. Thank God for that. I think we can all agree that that's a good thing. In the case of this movie, it was a very necessary thing.

So three hot babes are competing for Centerfold of the Year. The competition rolls over to the publisher's beach mansion. He has Nikki Fritz as his loyal girlfriend/servant. He must be doing something right. It's up to him to choose the Centerfold. The ladies get catty with each other and scheme to win. One of the babes starts drinking a beauty enhancement potion that has a nasty side effect. It makes you huge! Soon there will be a giant blonde moping about the beach while the publisher warms to the idea of a monstrous blonde as his centerfold. The other ladies cry foul and scheme some more…

Lots of topless women. Bad jokes. A giant naked blonde. "Attack of the 60 Foot Centerfold" has many pleasing B-movie elements. I was amused. The writing was actually pretty good on this one. I laughed a few times. The only thing missing from this movie was some centerfold attacking action. The giant centerfold really didn't attack anything. She was more into feeling sorry for her giant self. I was hoping to see a scene where the topless giant steps on some cars and topples a few buildings. "Attack of the 60 Foot Centerfold" had a 60 foot centerfold but there was no attack. Oh well. I'd rather have the giant woman anyway.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 giant centerfolds

"Death Before Dishonor" review

Death Before Dishonor (1987)

Directed by Terry Leonard
Writing credits John Gatliff

Fred Dryer .... Gunnery Sgt. Burns
Joseph Gian .... Sgt. Manuel Ramirez
Brian Keith .... Col. Halloran
Paul Winfield .... Ambassador
Joanna Pacula .... Elli

I bought this video for two bucks. "Death before Dishonor" is one of those shameless pro-American military flicks they used to make back in the 80's. And what the heck is wrong with that? I mean, granted, Fred Dryer is no Rambo but he gets the job done. He destroys anyone he perceives as a threat to the American way of life. Dryer has to guard the American embassy in some fictitious Arab country. Soon the rebel army will attack his embassy, kidnap his colonel and generally upset him. They've pushed this marine to the breaking point.

As a ridiculous action movie, "Death before Dishonor" is mildly enjoyable. One car chase scene has him driving after the bad guys through various back alleys. He then takes his windshield out and shoots a rocket at them while driving! Yeah! That'll show them not to mess with the marines. Of course, they never learn and soon they're back to harass Dryer again. If you're expecting subtlety from this flick or any particularly enlightened attitude toward affairs in the Middle East, you will be sorely disappointed. "Death before Dishonor" is all about the Americans, (good guys), killing rebel Arabs and their Russian masters, (bad guys). So if you're looking for a simple, (and cheap), B-war flick, "Death before Dishonor" fits the bill.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 angry marines

"Formula 51" review

Formula 51 (2001)
AKA The 51st state

Directed by Ronny Yu
Writing credits Stel Pavlou

Samuel L. Jackson.... Elmo McElroy
Emily Mortimer.... Dakota Parker
Meat Loaf.... The Lizard (as Meatloaf)
Robert Carlyle.... Felix DeSouza

I saw this on cable recently. Samuel Jackson goes to England to sell drugs. He's a chemist selling blue pills called POS 51. His pills are 51 times better than any other drug you can imagine. His American drug connection was holding him back so he had to jump the pond to England, (the 51st state), and strike a deal before the Liverpool/Manchester football (soccer) game. This was an OK flick. Worth a look if you can see it on cable. There's nothing fancy going on here. Jackson puts on a kilt and goes to England. Some shootouts here, some profanity there and you've got a "Snatch"/"Pulp Fiction"/"Trainspotting" hybrid. Gangsters show up who hate Americans, (Yanks), and the English, (Limeys), get hated right back. Is Limey a bad word? I apologize if it is. How about shag? "The Limey who shagged me?" Is that no good? See all the important things you can learn from movies? The ability to curse in other countries. Invaluable.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 kilt wearing Jacksons

"Ilsa, Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks" review

Ilsa, Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks (1976)

Directed by Don Edmonds
Writing credits Langston Stafford

Dyanne Thorne .... Ilsa
Max Thayer .... Comander Adam, US Navy (as Michael Thayer)
Jerry Delony .... El Sharif (as Victor Alexander)
Uschi Digard .... Inga Lindström (as Elke Von)
Sharon Kelly .... Nora Edward

I can't say enough good things about Ilsa, (Dyanne Thorne). Her outrageous German accent and voluptuous body make this flick a stellar exploitation movie. "My name....is ILSA!" I want her to be my harem keeper. First I would need a harem though. Details, details.

Ilsa isn't so much a character as she is a historical figure. Whenever there are strong women throughout history dominating other women for sadistic pleasure, they shall all be called "Ilsa". The Ilsa from the first movie was in Nazi Germany and was killed at the end of the flick. So clearly this is not the exact same Ilsa. The new Ilsa runs a harem for a depraved "Oil Sheik".

Ilsa runs the harem efficiently, telling girls the right way to lick a body, disciplining traitors with flesh eating ants and presiding over topless kung fu fighting sessions. There are a lot of breasts in this flick. The harem likes to go topless. Ilsa also comes up with a plastic explosive that you place in a girl's private area that will detonate when having sex. Yes. Exploding vaginas. The sleaze was working overtime.

"Ilsa, Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks" promises nasty sleaze and does not disappoint. Every other scene had either blood or breasts or both. It's a great exploitation movie. I recommend it.

SCORE: 4 out of 4 ILSAS getting sleazy in the desert

"Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines" review

Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003)

Directed by Jonathan Mostow
Writing credits James Cameron Gale Anne Hurd

Arnold Schwarzenegger .... Terminator
Nick Stahl .... John Connor
Claire Danes .... Kate Brewster
Kristanna Loken .... T-X

I was a little worried going into this one. The Robobabe Terminator angle felt like a desperate attempt to inject some (unneeded) sex appeal into the franchise. I was worried there was going to be a scene where the Terminator and his Termimistress were going to try to consummate their Roboaffair. I am happy to report my fears were vanquished. Or do I mean terminated? They didn't really exploit her femininity at all. The supermodel Terminator was just there as a pleasing visual effect.

So I'm relieved to tell you that "Terminator 3" is a success. This is a return to form for Schwarzenegger. I found myself amazed at some parts. The demolition derby with the big trucks was the kind of mindless destruction I used to associate with Arnold flicks. Great to see it back.

So once again the Terminator has to jump through the time portal and save John Connor's rear end. Why does the human resistance keep sending back a dinosaur machine like Arnold? Surely they could come up with a more advanced killing machine or at least upgrade Schwarzenegger to meet the current supermodel preferred version.

At any rate, the two Terminators are going to have to face off. This was the part I worried about the most. Was I going to enjoy watching a hot babe walk off the cover of Vogue and thrash Schwarzenegger? Could I even believe it was possible? Once again, the movie succeeds. Their fight in the bathroom was fantastic. It was a special effects overload. Many toilets were destroyed in the fight for the future.

Overall, "Terminator 3" is a great summer action flick. All I can say about the ending is this: Begun this Terminator war has...

SCORE: 3.5 out of 4 terminators vs. robobabes

"L.E.T.H.A.L. Ladies: Return to Savage Beach" review

L.E.T.H.A.L. Ladies: Return to Savage Beach (1998)

Directed by Andy Sidaris
Writing credits Andy Sidaris

Julie Strain.... Willow Black
Rodrigo Obregón .... Rodrigo Martinez
Julie K. Smith .... Cobra
Cristian Letelier .... J. Tyler Ward
Shae Marks .... Tiger
Marcus Bagwell .... Warrior
Carrie Westcott .... Sofia

Master filmmaker Andy Sidaris likes his movies big. "Return to Savage Beach" is no exception. Big explosions! Big, hunky men! Big, fast cars! Big breasted women! In the case of Shae Marks, REALLY big breasted women! Sidaris also likes to shoot his movies in the most exotic locations. Nothing ugly would dare show its face in one of his movies. This adventure has the Lethal Ladies running around all the tropical beaches they can find. It's a tough life.

Sidaris is in complete control of his movies. He knows exactly what he wants to see. Well, there are two things out of his control: The quality of the acting and the plot. These two items are of secondary concern. What's important here is that the Lethal Ladies bounce around the globe fighting terrorists. Thank God they are here to protect us. "Return to Savage Beach" has the ladies going after a treasure so that the bad guys don't get it. That's enough plot for me.

So what about those Lethal Ladies? Let's see, we've got Julie Strain, Julie Smith, Shae Marks and Carrie Westcott. It's a gold mine. Once again, Strain and Smith make all my dreams come true. Smith has a couple of turns as a stripper and Strain jumps in a pool with Buff Bagwell! Shae Marks plays Tiger. Grrrrrr!!! She even has leopard skin outfits. Her breasts are truly amazing. Marks breasts manage to surpass both Strain's and Smith's impressive displays.Westcott is good as the red leather wearing, roller blading, pizza delivery girl. She has very large breasts as well. No surprise there.

So if you want to watch large breasted women save the world, pick up a Sidaris flick today. "Return to Savage Beach" is just what you would expect. Think big.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 because large breasted secret agents will save us all

"Angel III: The Final Chapter" review

Angel III: The Final Chapter (1988)

Directed by Tom DeSimone
Writing credits Robert Vincent O'Neill Joseph Michael Cala

Mitzi Kapture .... Molly Stewart(Angel)
Mark Blankfield .... Spanky
Emile Beaucard .... Shahid
Maud Adams .... Nadine
Kin Shriner .... Neal
Julie K. Smith .... Darlene

I bought this video for three bucks. There were two hookers on the cover, one of them had a gun, and the tag line was "This beauty will blow you away." That's all I needed to know. As an extra bonus, "Angel III" has one of the first appearances of Julie Smith. She plays the star of the porn movie that Angel infiltrates on her quest through the L.A. underworld. There was one glaring difference between the Julie Smith we all know today and the Julie Smith of yesteryear: Her breasts had shrunk dramatically. I almost didn't recognize her. The twins have grown up nice and healthy since this movie.

Anyway, even though I could talk about Julie Smith's breasts all day long, "Angel III" is not about Smith or her breasts, it's about Angel. Angel decides to move back to L.A. so she can take out the trash. Her long lost mom gets mixed up with some pimps and pushers. Angel's sister is also lost in the sordid, vice-ridden world of L.A. Angel needs to go undercover as a porn star/hooker to uncover the truth about Maud Adams and her white slavery ring.

I enjoyed this flick. It was as sordid and sleazy as it could afford to be. Maud Adams was a sparkling jewel of fine acting compared to some of the other players. There were plenty of gratuitous naked breast shots as well. The only thing a little off about this one was Angel. Angel does not get naked. That seems odd as she is the star of this sleaze fest and she is playing either a hooker or a porn star throughout most of the movie. She also doesn't really blow anybody away. She wasn't the avenging Angel I thought she would be. But even though the Angel action was a little light, I still liked this one. The sleazy exploitation vibe coming off "Angel III" was strong. It's worth a look.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 avenging Julie Smiths
Wait a minute, this movie wasn't about Julie Smith at all! There I go again. She is an all powerful B-queen. Can't help myself when she shows up.

"Highwaymen" review

Highwaymen (2003)

Directed by Robert Harmon
Writing credits Craig Mitchell Hans Bauer

James Caviezel.... James 'Rennie' Cray (as Jim Caviezel)
Rhona Mitra.... Molly
Frankie Faison.... Will Macklin
Colm Feore.... Fargo

"Highwaymen" is about a psycho who likes to run women over with his car. The end. It's a little bit "Crash" and a little bit "Joy Ride". It's a solid B-movie. It's always refreshing to run into a decent B-flick now and then. Aahhhh. I'm refreshed.

So psycho decides to run down the wife of a guy who's as obsessive/compulsive as he is. Soon they will spend their carefree days and nights hunting each other down on the highway. They're Highwaymen. Another girl comes in between their chase. She is the bait for the final car grudge match. Vroom...Vroom! - Screeeeeech! - Splat.

I enjoyed this one. Killer cars, highways, Highwaymen, what more do you need? I especially liked the monstrous mechanical look of the psycho. "There's a lot of me in that car." And on the road. And on that other car...

SCORE: 3 out of 4 out of control Highwaymen

"Snake Island" review

Snake Island (2002)

Directed by Wayne Crawford
Writing credits Wayne Crawford Arthur Payne

William Katt .... Malcolm Page
Wayne Crawford .... Jake Malloy
Kate Connor ....Heather Dorsey
Russel Savadier .... Eddie Trent Jones
Dawn Matthews .... Lisa
Milan Murray .... Carrie

Well, if there's one thing you can say about "Snake Island", it's that the title didn't lie. It promised you snakes and an island and that's what you get. A bunch of people end up on Snake Island and snakes attack. There you go. Snakes you want, snakes you get. Lots of them. A snake jamboree. Snakes a go-go. Why did it have to be snakes?

"Snake Island" was fair. If you want to watch a grab bag of slithering reptiles attack people, rent "Snake Island" immediately. It's about 20-25 minutes too long though. There are only so many scenes of snakes trying to bite people I can watch.

The best scene is in the middle where two women dance topless as the snakes watch. Then the snakes start dancing. Yes, techno jamming snakes. You gotta love that. I rewound that scene three times. If someone knows what song they were dancing to, e-mail me. I want to dance with snakes too.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 jamming snakes

"Blood Angels" review

Blood Angels (2004)
AKA Thralls

Directed by Ron Oliver
Writing credits Lisa Morton Brett Thompson

Lorenzo Lamas.... Mr. Jones
Leah Cairns.... Leslie
Siri Baruc.... Ashley
Fiona Scott.... Roxie
Sonya Salomaa.... Lean
Moneca Delain.... Brigitte
Lisa Marie Caruk.... Buzz

A bunch of hot vampire, (Thralls if you want to get technical), women open a nightclub. They are trying to escape the clutches of vampire master Lamas. A sister of one of the vamps shows up. She is ignorant of their vampire ways. Soon she will get a lesson in how to be a successful Thrall and how to waste a beautiful B-movie concept.

Speaking as a B-movie lover, I'm outraged at this film. I don't say that lightly. What a waste. You have a bar full of hot vampire chicks and not one of them gets naked? Come on! OK. OK. The DJ flashes her breasts to expose some sort of snake like monster. But they used a body double for the DJ. No way was that her breasts. The cover of the DVD has five or six babes in scantily clad lingerie and the tag line is "Being wild is in their blood." Yeah whatever. When you have more topless guys than girls, you know that the filmmakers don't have a clue as to who will be watching their movie. "Blood Angels" had the potential to be a great exploitation flick but instead went down a very mundane path to B-movie oblivion.

To be fair, "Blood Angels" is not a horribly-made flick. You won't want to rip your eyes out while watching it. But it's another classic case of the bait and switch tactic that B-movie filmmakers cherish. You think you're renting a naughty vampire movie but instead are stuck with a Thrall empowerment flick. They are going to show that evil man that he's not in control of them. *Sigh*

Wasteful. Sad. Tragic.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 pouting Thralls

"Drainiac!" review

Drainiac! (2000)

Directed by Brett Piper
Writing credits Brett Piper

Georgia Hatzis .... Julie
Alexandra Boylan.... Lisa
Ethan Krasnoo .... Jake
Samara Doucette .... Tanya

I rented this one the other day so I could teach my cousin the joys of B-movies. He was ignorant of their wild ways. My brother and I sat him down and showed him what true cinema is all about. We saw this back to back with "Slumber Party Massacre III". If that doesn't change your outlook on movies, nothing will. Unfortunately, I don't think we made a B-movie believer out of him. Oh well. At least we tried.

"Drainiac!" is about a girl who has to clean a disgusting house. Her friends stop on by to help. They somehow release the "Drainiac!". He's a water demon that is rummaging through the house. He does his demonic squirting shenanigans and the teens flag down an aquatic exorcist to purge the pipes.

As a low, (and I mean low!), budget flick, "Drainiac!" was about what I expected. It certainly wasn't a great movie but I was mildly entertained by it. For a budget of about $500, I think the cast and crew did a reasonable job.

The one aspect of "Drainiac!" that broke my heart was the tight sweater girl. She was the main girl's friend. And she wore a tight sweater. She had much larger breasts than her friend and yet did not feel the need to rip off her sweater. Why couldn't the "Drainiac!" have made a play for her? He could have at least sprayed her once or twice for a Wet Sweater Contest. That would have hit the spot. Ahhhhh...

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 tight sweater girls
Well, maybe the sweater wasn't that tight. But I can dream can't I? Oh, if only the Drainiac had found this tight sweater girl. It would have been a super soaking party.

"Mosquito Man" review

Mosquito Man (2005)
AKA Mansquito

Directed by Tibor Takács
Writing credits Kenneth M. Badish Ray Cannella

Corin Nemec.... Police Lt. Tom Randall
Musetta Vander.... Dr. Jennifer Allen
Austin Jordon.... Ray Erikson/Mansquito (as Matthew Austin Jordon)
Patrick Dreikauss.... Detective Charlie Morrison
Jay Benedict.... Dr. Aaron Michaels
Christa Campbell.... Liz

"Mosquito Man" was truly everything I could have wanted from a mutating mosquito man flick. There was a guy, he turned into a giant mosquito, he sucked a lot of blood and there you have it. It even had the traditional hot babe as the concerned scientist. All of the B-movie pieces are here. "Mosquito Man" is a fine B-flick.

So the evil corporation wants to find a cure for a mosquito-transmitted disease. They decide to experiment on a mass murderer. Things don't go as planned as the psycho makes a break for it and trashes their lab. Some blue goo lands on him and turns him into the mighty Mosquito Man. The rest of the movie has the beast putting large holes into people for easy access to their blood while a cop and Dr. Babe track the giant insect down.

I was quite pleased with "Mosquito Man". There was a lot of blood and guts as the Mosquito Man went to town on anybody he could find. If you're into monster flicks, you'll probably like it. It's worth a look.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 for being a Mosquito man's man

"Toolbox Murders" review

Toolbox Murders (2004)

Directed by Tobe Hooper
Writing credits Jace Anderson Adam Gierasch

Angela Bettis .... Nell Barrows
Brent Roam .... Steven Barrows
Marco Rodriguez .... Luis Saucedo
Rance Howard .... Chas Rooker
Juliet Landau .... Julia Cunningham

The first "Toolbox Murders" was a film that demanded a remake. They started with a great idea, (Psycho killing women with power tools), but then proceeded to waste it by having the psycho blab on and on to one of his victims. The new "Toolbox Murders" doesn't waste time with a lot of blah, blah, blah. The title says Toolbox Murders and that's what you get.

"Toolbox Murders" is a fine film. It's top quality for a straight to video flick. It could have easily played in theaters. So once again, Toolbox Murders are raging at an apartment building. A motley crew of misfits and cretins are hanging around to get slaughtered. The girl from "May" moves in as well. She's on a quest to prove that there's something very wrong with this building. She may be right as all of the tenants keep disappearing. Soon the madman will make his appearance and many power tools will be unleashed on the hapless inhabitants.

While I enjoyed this gory flick, there was one crucial scene from the first movie that should have been updated. Who could forget the famous scene where the naked chick leaps out of the bathtub and runs for her life from a guy with a nailgun? While a nailgun does make an appearance in the new version, it is a fairly tame death compared to the first "Toolbox Murders". I'll give the original points for their nailgun death scene. For everything else, this version is the winner.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 toolbox massacres

"Deathbed" review

Deathbed (2002)

Directed by Danny Draven
Writing credits John Strysik

Tanya Dempsey .... Karen
Brave Matthews .... Jerry
Meagan Mangum .... Ghost Girl
Michael Sonye .... Ghost Man (as Dukey Flyswatter)
Joe Estevez .... Art

I bought this video for four bucks. So this couple finds a bed in their attic. They decide to sleep on their new found discovery. It's too bad for them that this is a Deathbed. Seems there was a murder on the mattress back in the 30's and the essence of the murderer still inhabits it. The bad bed helps the couple become more sexually active until pure insanity starts to take hold of them.

You know, a big part of me wants to like a movie about a supernatural bed that makes you horny. But I'm afraid "Deathbed" is just so completely ridiculous that I can't get into it. Hey, if the bed is the problem, why not buy a futon? Why not break out the sleeping bags or check into a motel? This movie is cheap and proud of it. All it has is a bed. That's it. A big fluffy, scary bed. Someone saw this bed and decided to base a movie around it. Eeek. I'm scared. There's no action, tension, nudity (!) or scares. There's just a bed. This movie has got me feeling sleepy.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 big bad beds

"Flashback" review

Flashback (2000)
AKA Flashback - Mörderische Ferien

Directed by Michael Karen
Writing credits Jimmy Sangster Natalie Scharf

Valerie Niehaus.... Jeanette Fielmann
Xaver Hutter.... Leon Schroeder
Alexandra Neldel.... Melissa Schroeder
Simone Hanselmann.... Lissy Schroeder

A woman gets a job tutoring French to three rich brats for the summer. She's a hottie who just got released from the insane asylum. Her doctor thinks this job will be good for her. Some fresh air, some rowdy German teens talking in terrible dubbed English, and a mad killer stalking the house. She has flashbacks to her parents murder and wonders if the killer could be coming for her. The viewer has flashbacks to every single slasher flick he's seen.

"Flashback" has one good thing going for it: BLOOD. Lots of blood. They don't skimp on the red stuff. No one is safe. Other than the blood, it's lacking. The plot is lame. The acting is fair but since all the teens are selfish ingrates, you don't care whether they get butchered or not. The whole movie had a goofy vibe. Nothing scary here.

So if you like blood in your slasher flick and you're not too picky, you might like it. It was OK.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 because I had a "Flashback" to "Anatomy" in the "Swimming Pool" on "Friday the 13th" with a "Scream" because "I know what you did last summer" was tutor French "Deep in the Woods".

"Jack-O" review

Jack-O (1995)

Directed by Steve Latshaw
Writing credits Brad Linaweaver Patrick Moran

Linnea Quigley .... Carolyn Miller
Maddisen K. Krown .... Linda Kelly (as Rebecca Wicks)
Gary Doles .... David Kelly
Ryan Latshaw .... Sean/David Kelly
Patrick Moran.... Jack-O-Lantern

I bought this video for three bucks. My brother had told me about this one because he had actually met Jack-O. Yes, the dude in the pumpkin mask. B-movie giants walk amongst us. I had to behold the cinematic genius that was "Jack-O" so I could live vicariously through my brother.

I can honestly say that "Jack-O" went exactly like I thought it would. There was not one thing that surprised me about this flick. Well, that's not completely true. I was surprised to see Linnea Quigley in this one. And everybody can relax, she does take a shower. Quigley and showers. Peanut butter and Jelly. So Jack-O comes back from the dead to kill a stoic boy for some reason or another. You'd think that the kid would get a little emotional about a pumpkin man trying to carve him up. Would a scream kill him now and then? Anyway, Quigley babysits him and Pumpkinhead trashes the party. "Jack-O" follows the B-movie playbook step by step. Blood, breasts, bad acting, repeat. If you're a B-movie fan, you'll find something to like.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 Jack-O's at work

"Deathwatch" review

Deathwatch (2002)

Directed by Michael J. Bassett
Writing credits Michael J. Bassett

Jamie Bell.... Pfc. Charlie Shakespeare
Rúaidhrí Conroy.... Pvt. Colin Chevasse
Mike Downey.... Martin Plummer

Rain and mud. These are the two things "Deathwatch" does well. Boy, did it rain a lot. Man, was that trench muddy. I recently watched "The Bunker" which was very similar to "Deathwatch" with the exception of two things. Can you guess what those two things are?

"Deathwatch" has a bunch of British soldiers hanging out in a very wet and muddy trench. World War I is raging all around them and a mud filled trench is better than the battlefield. Soon the soldiers will realize that there is an unknown enemy in their midst. Or maybe it's all in their minds. Maybe the never-ending rain has clogged their brains. Only the bravest and driest soldiers will make it out of the mud.

War/horror movies don't work. There is more than enough horror in war. You don't need to throw in any supernatural elements. I was more scared of the soldier with the spiked club than I was of anything the evil muddy trench had to spit out at them. While "Deathwatch" is a better "Stranded soldiers going insane" flick than "The Bunker", I would still pass on both of them. There's not much here for either a war or a horror movie fan. However, if you like seeing soldiers scream and yell in a muddy trench, rent "Deathwatch" immediately.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 very muddy trenches

"Man on Fire" review

Man on Fire (2004)

Directed by Tony Scott
Writing credits Brian Helgeland

Denzel Washington .... Creasy
Dakota Fanning .... Pita
Marc Anthony .... Samuel
Radha Mitchell .... Lisa

I saw "Man on Fire" in a pretty cool theater in Atlanta, Ga. It was back when it was the Madstone theater at Parkside. I don't mind telling you that I love that theater. I'm not afraid to say it. I love you Parkside! It had had some extensive remodeling since the last time I visited. It used to be a run down theater. Now it's a half mainstream and half art movie theater. It's still kind of run down but therein lies its charm. They have chess boards in the lobby and sell beer at the concession stand. I bought a Hoegaarden and plopped down into my seat. By the end of the movie, I was ready to cry foul and throw my beer bottle at the screen. Oh well. It wasn't Parkside's fault. It did all it could.

"Man on Fire" is about revenge and teddy bears. Cute little Dakota talks to her bear/ protector and names it after Creasy, (Denzel Washington). Creasy the big sad bear has to look after Dakota as she goes to school in Mexico City. Creasy becomes enraged when bad men wake him up out of hibernation and make him become a killer again. His little Dakota is gone. Dakota's mom hands Creasy her teddy bear and tells him to kill them all. The teddy bear is the symbol of death. It's stuffed with fluff and ready to blow.

If Denzel Washington wasn't in this movie, "Man on Fire" would be just another run of the mill revenge flick. He is the only reason I would give this movie a passing grade. Dakota was good too in her own insufferably cute way. But this flick betrays itself at the end. I won't ruin the ending but let's just say Hollywood screws it up again. Someone thought a brutal revenge flick should have a semblance of a happy ending. My eyes were rolling and I was ready to smash my beer bottle against the screen. I'd like to say that all the violence made up for the ending but the movie was so heavily stylized I wasn't sure what the heck was going on half the time. The editing room must have been hit by an earthquake.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 teddy bears of death

"Daughter of Darkness" review

Daughter of Darkness (1993)
AKA Mie men can an zhi nie sha

Directed by Kai Ming Lai
Writing credits Kai Ming Lai

Lily Chung.... Mak Wei-Fong
Ka-Kui Ho.... Wei-Fong's Father
Money Lo.... Dong Huan
Hugo Ng.... Kin

This is the third movie I've seen with Ming Ming, (Lily Chung), from "Red to Kill". My God she never disappoints. Once again she plays the shy, sweet, innocent girl who gets the boot slammed upside her head. What is it about this girl that drives men mad with lust and violence? I don't know but I like it. The DVD cover has a picture of her standing naked with her hands tied together. There are blood spots covering her private areas. This is not blood on her body mind you, but blood spots the filmmakers decided to use for the DVD cover. That way they're blocking your view of the sweet spots yet drawing you in like a bull to a flapping red cape. Charge!

There are two parts to this flick. The first part is a goofy comedy. I use the word "comedy" loosely. The movie thought it was being funny but I wasn't laughing. Or smiling. In fact, I was worried this movie was going to break my heart. The cops stumble upon a murdered family. The head goofball cop does a lot of supposed funny things. He poses with the corpses, peeps on Ming Ming and basically just acts stupid. I was concerned. The second part of the movie is sleaze-o-rama. It flashbacks on why this family was murdered. The title of this flick is "Daughter of Darkness" but I think a more appropriate title would have been "Father of Darkness" or maybe "Family of Darkness". The sleaze pours out. Ming Ming gets smacked around and sexually abused by her family. She also has plenty of sex with her boyfriend. Why the movie needed to flashback on boyfriend sex is unknown but appreciated. The family murder scene is a four star buffet of carnage. This DVD is worth getting for the out of control slaughter at the end.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 poor Lilys getting the boot again