"Tears of the Sun" review

Tears of the Sun (2003)

Directed by Antoine Fuqua
Writing credits Alex Lasker Patrick Cirillo

Bruce Willis.... Lieutenant A.K. Waters
Monica Bellucci.... Dr. Lena Fiore Kendricks
Cole Hauser.... James 'Red' Atkins
Eamonn Walker.... Ellis 'Zee' Pettigrew

Bruce Willis and Co. drop into Nigeria to save a supermodel doctor. She won't leave without her people! So Bruce drags them along too. Moral complications arise as Bruce can't leave anyone behind in the hands of the butchering, evil enemy rebels. Willis tries diplomacy - Navy SEAL's style. Many Africans die horribly.

I was looking forward to this one. I was hoping it would go a little into the current situation in Nigeria. Maybe shed a little light on the goings on there. No dice. They said they were in Nigeria but it could have just as well have been any jungle in the world. African "rebels" are chasing them through the jungle. There you go. What tribe were they? Were they Muslim and the refugees Christian? Was that why the country was at civil war? Does anybody care?

So Bruce Willis has one of those crises of conscience that only affects soldiers in Hollywood movies. He flies over a village and sees dead bodies. This causes him to tell the chopper to turn it around and go back for the refugees. Oh no! Dead bodies?! In a war zone?!! Yikes! Never seen that before! So he disobeys orders for the greater good, the greater good of the movie. Just like a good Hollywood soldier.

On the plus side, there were two good battle scenes. There's one in the middle and one at the end. Things go boom and people go AAAHHH! That's what I paid to see and I was satisfied. If you can handle the usual Hollywood version of war, it's not too bad. Worth a look.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 Willis at war

"Commando" review

Commando (1985)

Directed by Mark L. Lester
Writing credits Jeph Loeb Matthew Weisman

Arnold Schwarzenegger.... John Matrix
Rae Dawn Chong.... Cindy
Dan Hedaya.... Arius
Vernon Wells.... Bennett
James Olson.... Gen. Franklin Kirby
David Patrick Kelly.... Sully
Alyssa Milano.... Jenny Matrix
Bill Duke.... Cooke

A Schwarzenegger masterpiece. If anyone else had starred in this movie, it wouldn't have been nearly as good. Only Arnold's deadpan delivery of the cheesiest lines imaginable could have elevated this movie into classic status. Who else could have gotten away with lines like: "Don't disturb my friend. He's dead tired." or "I eat Green Berets for breakfast!" AH-HAHAHAHA! Oh Arnold. You are the master.

So Arnold is a Commando. A fact cleverly hinted to in the title "Commando". The villains have taken his daughter so that they can force him to do their bidding - Commando style. Arnold has different ideas. Necks are snapped, malls are destroyed as Arnold lays down the law.

"Commando" ends with one of the most insanely spectacular slaughters of any Schwarzenegger flick. Arnold invades their island hideout and makes sure every enemy fighter dies horribly.This was back when being an action hero meant something. It meant destroying the bad guys single handed while laughing at the senseless slaughter you've created.

This movie is fantastic. See it. You'll be cheering.

SCORE: 4 out of 4 slaughtering commandos

"Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life" review

Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life (2003)

Directed by Jan de Bont
Writing credits Steven E. de Souza James V. Hart

Angelina Jolie .... Lara Croft
Gerard Butler .... Terry Sheridan
Ciarán Hinds .... Jonathan Reiss
Chris Barrie .... Hillary (as Christopher Barrie)
Noah Taylor .... Bryce
Djimon Hounsou .... Kosa
Til Schweiger .... Sean

The Tomb Raider is back and she's raiding tombs. This time Lady Croft has to find Pandora's Box before the bad guy does. This leads her on an adventure around the world to prevent the box from falling into the wrong hands. Action, adventure, excitement etc.

This is a classic 2 out of 4 movie. When it's over, you'll feel pretty ambivalent about what you've just watched. Croft is invulnerable so there's no point in working up a sweat over her many dangerous predicaments. Is there anything worth working up a sweat over? Not really. The only thing the Tomb Raider movies have gotten right is Angelina Jolie. She is perfect as Lara Croft. Hot, feisty and looks great in a black bikini. Perfect Tomb Raiding attire. Unfortunately the filmmakers can't dream up any truly thrilling action set pieces to put their Tomb Raider through. "Cradle of Life" snatches pages out of the Indiana Jones and James Bond playbooks but doesn't know how to execute them. She travels to this or that exotic locale but they all becomes meaningless background when the filmmakers just let her become involved in another generic shootout. It's one of those flicks that is begging you to have a good time but it's hard to get too worked up over it when the same action scene is repeated over and over.

Angelina Jolie is great. "Cradle of Life" is so-so.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 tomb raiding Angelinas

"Werewolves on Wheels" review

Werewolves on Wheels (1971)

Directed by Michel Levesque
Writing credits David M. Kaufman Michel Levesque

Stephen Oliver.... Adam
D.J. Anderson.... Helen
Gene Shane.... Tarot (as Duece Berry)
Billy Gray.... Pill (as William Gray)

I didn't have strong hopes for this one when I rented it. I was expecting a gang of werewolves to be riding their motorcycles at night while howling at the moon. That's reasonable right? Not too demanding? The title is "Werewolves on Wheels". I saw hairy guys driving motorcycles but they needed a lot more body fur to be considered werewolves.

This flick is a hybrid of two genres: Motorcycle Gang and Werewolf. Since this relic is from the early 70's, the motorcycle genre dominates in this mutant mix. Watching bikers brawl, curse and drink booze doesn't do it for me. That is the main appeal (?) of this movie and the werewolf angle is a gimmick that is hardly exploited. The gang does not become werewolves. One person gets cursed and the bikers drive around oblivious to it all.

I love werewolf flicks so I had to check this one out. So now I've seen it and can say with a clear conscience that it's a stinker. If you like biker flicks, you might dig it daddy-o.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 not hairy enough men on bikes

"The Arena" review

The Arena (2001)

Directed by Timur Bekmambetov
Writing credits John William Corrington

Karen McDougal.... Jessemina
Lisa Dergan.... Bodicia
Olga Sutulova.... Livia
Julia Chicherina.... Diedra

I was strolling through the Action section of Blockbuster the other day when I spotted this one. "The Arena". Interesting...I looked closer. It had two Amazon gladiator chicks doing battle in "The Arena". I thought about reading the description on the back of the box but then thought better of it. It couldn't possibly be any more enticing than the front. Why ruin a perfectly good Amazon warrior movie with plot ramblings?

Naturally, it didn't take long for this one to disappoint me. I've got to learn to control my B-movie lust. I see Amazons fighting, I get excited. I can't help myself. "The Arena" is an ambitious movie. It longs to be more than just a movie with two hot chicks fighting to the death. Why the filmmakers would want this is unknown. It has a plot, characters, drama, weird camera angles and all sorts of things that shouldn't be anywhere near an Amazon sword fighting flick.

There was one scene that started to scare me. The Romans are celebrating their victory by having a party. This party has all the soldiers in a circle holding hands, jumping up and down and shouting "Ho! - Ho! - Ho! Ho! Ho!". This drags on for about three minutes. I wasn't sure where this male bonding party was heading. Fortunately, the Amazons broke up the festivities before things got out of hand. Amazon women save the day again.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 Playmate gladiators

"Darkness" review

Darkness (2002)

Directed by Jaume Balagueró
Writing credits Jaume Balagueró Fernando de Felipe

Anna Paquin.... Regina
Lena Olin.... Maria
Iain Glen.... Mark
Giancarlo Giannini.... Albert Rua

The audience shrugs and gives "Darkness" a resounding Ho Hum. PG-13 horror. Is there anything more vile? I had read that this flick was R-rated but when I got to the theater I saw a big PG-13 on the poster. Drat. Dang. Darn it. Fudge. Tricked again.

"Darkness" is a mumbling, bloodless, and pointless ghost story. Family moves into a big scary house and scary things happen. What exactly is going on is lost in a jumble of whispers and incoherent mumbling. Something about children and cults and slitting throats and ahh who cares? Where are the ghosts? Where is the horror? Why should I fear the Darkness? What is it exactly? Who are the people in the old picture? I ask these questions but in truth I don't care. The movie works extra hard not to involve you in its story.

"Darkness" is as generic a ghost story as it gets. There is nothing new or exciting here. Maybe there's a better version of this somewhere hiding in the darkness but the PG-13 version I saw left me cold.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 Annas bathing in PG-13 darkness

"Infested" review

Infested (2002)

Directed by Josh Olson
Writing credits Josh Olson

Zach Galligan.... Warren
Lisa Ann Hadley.... Ellen
Daniel Jenkins.... Steven
Amy Jo Johnson.... Jesse
Nahanni Johnstone.... Mindy

There's a word that captures the meaning of this film. Yes, the very essence of it. That word is "Pointless". What was the stinking point of this lame brained flick? You have some genius casting by putting a Power Ranger girl in your killer fly flick. You get her covered with blood. You get her alone in a SHOWER! You tease and tease but give the audience the lame shower view from the neck up! Why?! Why bother? I wanted Power Ranger boobies!! Was I asking too much? Was it wrong to expect super hero breasts? Good Lord, what was the point?

So the rest of the flick has a story about (magic?) flies, zombies, a thirtysomething reunion, eighties tunes and some of the most stupid situations ever in a horror flick. The overriding problem is that flies are not scary. There is nothing remotely scary about a fly. Even mass quantities of them don't bring fear. If you shove them down an annoying yuppies throat and call him/her a bug zombie, it is still lame.

The only thing that could have saved this flick was if Michael J. Fox had driven up in a Delorean and told the Power Ranger Girl to get in so they could stop the main bug man from releasing the magic fruit flies in the first place. They would have stopped the movie from existing. Then Huey Lewis and the News could have blasted out "The Power of Love" over the credits. That would have capped off the eighties loving bug fest right. Da da blah.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 pointless pink Power Rangers

"Soul Searchers" review

Soul Searchers (2006)

Directed by Bentley Mitchum
Writing credits Bentley Mitchum

Billy Drago.... Man in Black
Luke Tingle.... Charlie Carter
Jaime Anstead.... Cat
Christopher Mitchum.... Sheriff Traft
Bentley Mitchum.... John Bender
Scott Staggers.... Adam Weaver
Julie St. Claire.... Jade Lovecraft

I got a screening copy of “Soul Searchers” from the director. I enjoy writing that. It makes me feel important. If someone asks me, “Did you see “Soul Searchers”? I would regale them with tales of my screening copy. What a tale it would be. It would go something like this: Bentley: You want to review my movie? Me: Do I?! Put that sucker in the mail! Exciting eh?

“Soul Searchers” is the story of small town boy Charlie Carter who can’t keep his shirt on to save his life. He moves to the big, bad L.A. to get away from it all. Within hours of his arrival, he finds himself at a strip club. He runs into an old acquaintance who wants to show him around town. At a Hollywood Hills party, he runs into a hot older woman who wants to take him up north to see her “family”. People love showing this guy around. It must be his rampant nakedness that excites them. The plot thickens as the people of the small town are not what they seem. Our shirtless hero might not be all that he seems as well…

I am a sucker for L.A. stories and for any movie with a strip club scene. As we are all well aware, B-movie law states that any movie with a strip club scene must be good on some level. "Soul Searchers" starts off OK but then it kind of wanders aimlessly for the next 45 minutes. Charlie and his hot girlfriend hit the road and don't do much of anything. Soon a secret cult manifests itself and proceeds to hunt Charlie down for the rest of the movie. His topless body turns them on to no end. They want him on the slab as soon as possible. Unfortunately, “Soul Searchers” doesn’t have enough exploitative elements for me to recommend it. Well, no exploitative elements unless you like seeing a buff guy run around. It just doesn’t do it for me. “Soul Searchers” needed some more horror scenes to give it some punch. The cult should have done more than just chase Charlie up and down Main Street. One or two, (or three), scenes of the cult attacking some other people would have given the movie the blood and guts shot it needed.

One last thing, speaking as the B-movie fiend I am, I was also very disappointed that the female lead does not get naked although she's regularly having sex. That's a B-movie no-no. She has sex at least four times but no topless scenes. She also has a shower scene and you can clearly see that she is wearing some kind of body stocking to cover all of her interesting parts. At the very end of the movie, she tries to explain it all away by telling Charlie that they never actually had sex. It was all in his mind. It must have been all in my mind too because I could have sworn I saw them rolling around in bed. It was all a B-movie mirage.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 shirt searching Charlies

"Silk" review

Silk (1986)

Directed by Cirio H. Santiago
Writing credits Frederick Bailey Cirio H. Santiago

Cec Verrell.... Jenny Sleighton
Bill McLaughlin.... Tom Stevens
Joe Mari Avellana.... Yashi

I bought this video for three bucks. It had one of those cheesy illustrated 80's covers on an over-sized video box. There was a picture of a woman stripped down to her bra holding a giant gun. She's Silk, the toughest, hottest cop in all of Honolulu. Naturally, I had to see this film. A woman wearing a bra while holding a gun was all I needed to know about "Silk".

So Silk, (Cec Verrell from "Hell Comes to Frogtown"), shoots a lot of bad guys while looking tough. There's a story about smugglers and hit men but it's all filmed so haphazardly it's hard to keep up with it all. Either that or I just didn't care. "Silk" is a pretty standard bad action flick. Silk shoots guys, they die and their cars explode. Standard. Of course, what's really disappointing is that Silk does not strip down to her underwear. There's no bra scene. There is a short sex scene but we don't get to see any nudity. That says it all about the quality of "Silk". This one can be avoided.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 Silks in Frogtown

"Patrick Still Lives" review

Patrick Still Lives (1980)
AKA Patrick vive ancora

Directed by Mario Landi
Writing credits Piero Regnoli

Sacha Pitoëff .... Professor Herschell
Gianni Dei .... Patrick Herschell
Mariangela Giordano .... Stella Randolph
Carmen Russo .... Cheryl Kraft

I bought this DVD having absolutely no idea what the movie was about. All I knew was that it was about a guy with telekinetic powers and that it was supposed to be sleazy. I don't need to know much.

Patrick is in a coma. He has telekinetic powers. A bunch of people end up at the wellness center where Patrick is staying. We get the impression that they were invited there by someone with an ulterior motive. I use the word impression because the plot is a bit hazy. There's a scene about an hour into the movie where the head doctor explains the plot to Patrick and to the audience. It then becomes clear why these people are here and what Patrick has to do with it. He wants to hurt these people who have come to the center. There are three men and four women. All of the women are hot. I had a good feeling that they were going to get naked. I was not disappointed.

I sat there wondering how this movie was going to earn its sleaze reputation. Was Patrick going to zap off the ladies clothes? Was he going to make them get naked with each other? What nasty tricks did Patrick have up his comatose sleeve?

There are three sleazy scenes:

*SLEAZE SCENE SPOILERS*

One scene pole-vaults over the top bar and earns a 10 from this sleaze judge. It involves a naked woman and a horny fire poker. Bravo! Another scene involves a Patrick induced masturbation. I'd rate that one an 8.5. The last sleazoid scene has a couple of dogs becoming famished when they smell a naked woman. Score that scene a six.

*END SPOILERS*

"Patrick Still Lives" is certainly not a good movie. There is no hero, no likeable characters nor does the flick make much sense. But it has three scenes of sublime sleaze. There are some other gory scenes as well which makes this flick worth watching once.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 all-sleaze seeing Patrick eyes

"Bare Wench 2: Book of Babes" review

Bare Wench 2: Book of Babes (2001)
AKA The Bare Wench Project 2: Scared Topless

Directed by Jim Wynorski

Nikki Fritz.... Nikki
Samantha Phillips.... Sam
Juliet Cariaga.... Juliet
Alexus Winston.... Alexus
Griffin Drew.... Griffin (as Griffen Drew)
Julie Strain.... The Bare Wench
Lenny Juliano.... Lunk
Andy Sidaris.... Dick Bigdickian (as Dick Bigdickian)

I bought this DVD. Nikki Fritz is sent out into the woods to take her top off. Oops. I mean, to look for her sister...and take her top off. A handful of other babes march out with her to fulfill their B-movie destiny. They came prepared for battle by neglecting to wear any bras. Always good to think ahead.

"Bare Wench 2" is filmed in the style of "The Blair Witch Project". So the girls take turns holding the camera and filming each other babble on about nothing. The good news is that Fritz and friends take off their tops numerous times. "Bare Wench 2" is good for some cheap breasts and even cheaper laughs.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 Nikkis in the woods

"Of Unknown Origin" review

Of Unknown Origin (1983)

Directed by George P. Cosmatos
Writing credits Brian Taggert

Peter Weller .... Bart Hughes
Jennifer Dale .... Lorrie Wells
Kenneth Welsh .... James Hall
Louis Del Grande .... Clete
Shannon Tweed .... Meg Hughes

Peter Weller needs peace and quiet. His wife and kid have left him behind in their swanky New York apartment. Good thing too because Weller needs to get some office work done. Unfortunately a giant rodent has claimed his apartment as Rat Town. Who will rule this roost? Rodent or Weller? Man against Nature. Rat against Robocop. Only one shall survive.

"Of Unknown Origin" is one of the best giant rat movies ever made. Weller is the king of this castle and no giant rat is going to tell him otherwise. The Rat Battle Royale is on.

One last thing, I must confess a B-movie sin. "Of Unknown Origin" is the only Shannon Tweed movie I have ever seen. I'm a little ashamed to admit that since Tweed is synonymous with B-movie sex and sleaze. Someday I hope to atone for the lack of Tweed in my life. Perhaps a Shannon Tweed film festival is what's called for here.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 because Peter Weller hates meeces to pieces

"Shredder" review

Shredder (2003)

Directed by Greg Huson
Writing credits Craig Donald Carlson Greg Huson

Scott Weinger.... Cole Davidson
Lindsey McKeon.... Kimberly Van Arx
Juleah Weikel.... Pike
Billy O'Sullivan.... Skyler (as Billy O')
Holly Towne.... Robyn

A bunch of teenagers head to an abandoned ski lodge to shred. Apparently, "shredding" is what you do when you snowboard. Who said you couldn't learn anything from B-movies? There is an angry skier there who hates snowboarders. The killer is out to do some snowboarder shredding. For all you skiers who hate snowboarders, this is the movie for you. I live in L.A. and haven't seen snow in years. Thank God. The only time I see snow is in a movie.

"Shredder" was pretty good for a straight to video slasher movie. I was pleased. The killer came up with plenty of good inventive kills. The very last kill in the movie had me cheering. "Who's the shredder now?!" All the girls were hot. One even got naked! WOO-HOO! "Shredder" is worth a look if you like slasher flicks.

One last thing, I have to scream foul on the main blonde. FOUL! She was the hottest girl and did not get naked. That's just not right. The filmmakers really decided to stick it to us by giving us plenty of tease scenes. She's in a hot tub having sex, she makes a move for her girlfriend in the bathroom, she is changing clothes every five seconds and yet there is no nudity. Attention Slasher Movie Filmmakers: If you can't show the goodies, don't bother. Stop the tease. Stop the madness!

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 shredders shredding

"Jaws 3-D" review

Jaws 3-D (1983)

Directed by Joe Alves
Writing credits Carl Gottlieb

Dennis Quaid.... Michael 'Mike' Brody
Bess Armstrong.... Kathryn Morgan
Simon MacCorkindale.... Philip FitzRoyce
Louis Gossett Jr..... Calvin Bouchard
John Putch.... Sean Brody
Lea Thompson.... Kelly Ann Bukowski

Jaws invades an underwater park. The idea was great. The problem is the special effects are terrible. I missed it when it came out in theaters so I never got to experience the 3-D phenomenon. Maybe that would have made a difference but I doubt it.

A giant shark attacking a Sea World-like park was a great starting point. But it's hard to get scared of Jaws when he looks like the shark at Universal Studios. I mean, he was one plastic shark. I need to believe Jaws is a real shark inflicting terror. This time, I didn't. He was definitely a big toy floating in the water. The climax scene was the worst of all.

SPOILER ON ENDING

Jaws goes headfirst through the window of the control room. In 3-D, this might have been cool. In the tape I saw, it looked awful.

END SPOILER

Although the effects were rotten, I still find myself enjoying this flick. All of the "Jaws" sequels have a very high bar set for them. They are not going to even get close to the original "Jaws". For a B-giant shark flick, it was pretty good. Comparing it to "Jaws" is unfair but also unavoidable. Even though I know the effects were bad, I still liked it. It was the best "Jaws" sequel.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 attacking Jaws - in 3-D!

"Long Time Dead" review

Long Time Dead (2002)

Directed by Marcus Adams
Writing credits Marcus Adams Eitan Arrusi

Joe Absolom.... Rob
Lara Belmont.... Stella
Melanie Gutteridge.... Annie
Lukas Haas.... Webster

Before going on a tirade about what's wrong with this one, let me say what's good about it. There's one good thing about "Long Time Dead". When I say one good thing, I mean one good scene. Well, I really mean a good ten seconds. There is a spot near the end where one of the teens is hiding in a locker and the monster walks up and stares malevolently inside. Then his eyes shift into evil cat's eyes mode. It made me jump. This image is highlighted on the front of the video box cover.

So you can see everything that is worthwhile about "Long Time Dead" on the video box cover. Don't waste your time watching the movie. A bunch of fun loving British teens play with an Ouija Board and release a Djinn. He's no Wishmaster. He just likes burning people to death who play board games with the dead.

This movie will pass through you faster than an angry Djinn. Everything about it screams lame. Lame! See? You won't care about the characters, their fate, the djinn or anything else you see on the screen. "Long Time Dead" is a slick piece of nothing. Djinn gets released and kills teens in a mostly bloodless and lame fashion. Lame! There it goes again. There's only one word you need to know concerning this movie. And I think you know what that word is...

Lame? Yeah.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 spooky cat's eyes

"Killer Nun" review

Killer Nun (1978)
AKA Suor Omicidi

Directed by Giulio Berruti
Writing credits Giulio Berruti Alberto Tarallo

Anita Ekberg .... Sister Gertrude
Paola Morra .... Sister Mathieu
Alida Valli .... Mother Superior
Massimo Serato .... Dr. Poirret
Joe Dallesandro.... Dr. Patrick Roland

"Killer Nun" baby. Did you hear what I said? "Killer Nun"!! What a title. I couldn't resist. I was helpless. A nun. Who's a killer! Had to see it.

Unfortunately "Killer Nun" was too good a title. It couldn't live up to the high sleaze bar it had set for itself. The main nun, Sister Gertrude, (Anita Ekberg), does not get naked. She wasn't a young nun but she still had it going on. She was looking good. So Gertrude works in a hospital. She is also addicted to morphine. Patients start ending up dead. Gertrude is suspected of being a killer nun. Her young nun roommate tries to console her. She also gets naked a lot and longs to be with Gertrude. In a good scene, Gertrude says that she'll only make love to a woman if she's wearing silk stockings. But once again, the movie falls short and no nun sex scene. Rats.
All in all, "Killer Nun" is not too exciting. If the point of a "nunsploitation" movie is to see women dress as nuns and be sexual, this movie falls flat.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 killer nuns

"Vampyres" review

Vampyres (1974)

Directed by José Ramón Larraz
Writing credits D. Daubeney Thomas Owen

Marianne Morris.... Fran
Anulka Dziubinska.... Miriam (as Anulka)
Murray Brown.... Ted
Brian Deacon.... John
Sally Faulkner.... Harriet

"Vampyres" must be the greatest lesbian vampire movie ever made. I say this with authority since I have seen more than my share of lesbian vampire flicks. Some might even say that I've seen too many of them. It has everything you could want. Hot vampire women, lots of blood, hot vampire women showering together, some more blood, and hot vampire women giving each other bloody kisses as their victim screams in pain. Did I mention they were hot? So two hot vampires, (Marianne Morris and Anulka), live in a big house and get victims to come visit by hitchhiking and having the unsuspecting fools drive them home. To be fair, I would have stopped for them as well. Call me foolish. Once the dolts are in their mansion, the vampires pounce on them and start the sucking. This leads to the best scene in the movie as the two ladies start sucking away on one guy's gushing wound and share his blood with each other through many bloody kisses. This was a classic moment in exploitation movie history. There are plenty of other good sex and blood scenes in this one as well. If you are into blood and vampire babes, "Vampyres" is a must see.

SCORE: 3.5 out of 4 bloody kisses

"Zombi 3" review

Zombi 3 (1988)

Directed by Lucio Fulci

Writing credits Claudio Fragasso

Deran Sarafian.... Ken
Beatrice Ring.... Patricia
Ottaviano Dell'Acqua.... Roger (as Richard Raymond)
Massimo Vanni.... Bo (as Alex McBride)
Ulli Reinthaler.... Nancy

Stop and Die. Stop and Die. Stop again. Die yet again. Yes, it was the "Stop and Die" movie. A zombie virus gets released into the atmosphere and people turn into the living dead. Our heroes keep moving from building to house to warehouse with a couple of them turning into zombie chow on every stop. Remember, you stop, you die.

Well, certainly this movie wasn't good. There's no doubt about that. However it did have some points which dragged it up from completely worthless junk status. There's a hilarious scene where a severed head flies out of a refrigerator and dives for the jugular of some unsuspecting dolt. He had the audacity to stop. Therefore he must die. There were some other decent gore effects too. Black Blood Bonanza.

But the movie caves in on itself with its repeated action scenes. Stop. Die. Stop. Die. Die Stop. Just stop already.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 dead heads

"King of the Ants" review

King of the Ants (2003)

Directed by Stuart Gordon
Writing credits Charlie Higson

Chris McKenna.... Sean Crawley (as Chris L. McKenna)
Kari Wuhrer.... Susan Gatley
Daniel Baldwin.... Ray Mathews
George Wendt.... Duke
Timm Sharp.... George

"King of the Ants" is about finding your true calling in life. Sean Crawley is drifting along until Norm from "Cheers" rolls in. Norm hooks Crawley up with some bad people that need some dirty work done. Crawley jumps at the opportunity. The rest of the movie is Crawley coming to grips with the real world through the use of extreme violence. Crawley starts to see people as if they were ants. He wants to be the King.

Well, there were some good violent parts to this one but overall I'm left with the same blasé attitude as Crawley. Whatever. Ho hum. The beginning and ending were good but the middle section with Kari Wuhrer had me screaming.

*SPOILERS AHEAD*

So Crawley gets his head bashed in for daring to ask for his hit-man's paycheck. These scenes were intense. I was pleased. Soon Crawley escapes and ends up in Kari Wuhrer's house to heal. Wuhrer is the wife of the man he killed. Now, I like seeing Wuhrer naked as much as the next guy but these housewarming scenes were ridiculous. I mean, give me a break. I know Wuhrer is hot and Crawley had brain damage from his beatings but give me a break! Why did he end up there? Surely he knew she would find out who he really was. He conveniently kept the photos and surveillance of her husband with him. Geez! I knew within two seconds what was going to happen. Thankfully, Wuhrer does get naked so it's not a total loss.

*END SPOILERS*

Crawley takes his beatings and torture and turns it into something positive. I think the movie is trying to tell us that nothing really matters and that we're all ants to be squashed. Whatever. If Crawley wants to be the King, good for him. Congratulations. You're the King. King Crawley. Have fun.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 angry Norms