"Victim of Desire" review

Victim of Desire (1995)

Directed by Jim Wynorski
Writing credits William C. Martell

Marc Singer.... Peter Starky
Shannon Tweed.... Carla Duvall
Julie Strain.... Linda Hammond
Wings Hauser.... Leland Duvall
Jay Richardson.... Richard Jordan

I bought this tape for four bucks at a local video store. It had my favorite Amazon sex queen Julie Strain on the cover with her hair covering her naked breasts. The B-movie beast inside me started to growl. Buy this!!! RARRRR!! I obeyed.

Now, I'm not going to lie to you. I didn't watch this movie in the technical sense of the word. I fast forwarded through it. I wanted to see what Strain had in store for me right away.

Bad news. "Victim of Desire" is a bust. Strain has one shower scene where she takes her time scrubbing her breasts, (it is a Jim Wynorski movie after all), and a sex scene in the dark. The beast inside me was not satiated. RARRRRR!!! Disaster!

Shannon Tweed shows up and has two sex scenes with the Beastmaster, (not me but Marc Singer). They were fair scenes but I wanted more Strain action. There is another scene where Strain is giving a massage to Tweed. If a scene in which two B-queens are giving massages ends in anything less than a full blown sex party, you have to take out the garbage bag and toss the movie away. Can you guess how it ended? "Victim of Desire" has got to go.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 because I needed more Strain! RARRRRR!!

"Ice Crawlers" review

Ice Crawlers (2003)
AKA Deep Freeze

Directed by John Carl Buechler
Writing credits Robert Boris

Allen Lee Haff.... Curtis
Götz Otto.... Nelson (as Goetz Otto)
Alexandra Kamp-Groeneveld.... Dr. Monica Kelsey
Karen Nieci.... Arianna

"Ice Crawlers" is a complete disaster. Part of me wants to shred this movie point by point but it's just not worth it. Basically a killer bath mat from the Jurassic period attacks some dolts in a big lab. There is no female nudity however we do get to see an incredibly hairy old guy take a shower. He was the true monster in "Ice Crawlers". Staring at his ugly, wolf man body almost made me run to the bathroom. Something was crawling up my throat. The movie makes every possible misstep and comes limping back for more.

You know the drill. You've seen this movie a million times before. Well, maybe you haven't but I can assure you I have. Some lame brained monster wiggles his way into the isolated setting and proceeds to go to town on various idiots. There's no blood, no fun, no joy, no hope. So just say no.

Stick this movie in the Deep Freeze. Let future generations dig it out. Who knows? In a thousand years, it may be worth something. But I doubt it. It'll still be "Ice Crawlers".

SCORE: LANDFILL

"The Erotic Dreams of Jeannie" review

The Erotic Dreams of Jeannie (2004)
AKA Genie in a String Bikini

Directed by Fred Olen Ray
Writing credits Fred Olen Ray

Nicole Sheridan.... Genie
Evan Stone.... Akbar
Kennedy Johnston.... Suzanne
Beverly Lynne.... Chelsea
Jay Richardson.... Doctor R.J. Reynolds

I bought this DVD. "Genie in a String Bikini" AKA "The Erotic Dreams of Jeannie" adheres to the rules of B-movie economics. This movie uses almost the same cast and I think the exact same house as "Teenage Cavegirl". But while the Cavegirl was hot, the Dreams of Jeannie are flat.

Oh sure, there's plenty of nudity and the usual number of sex scenes. But the cast looked tired. They all had this glaze in their eyes that said, "Too many softcore sex scenes with the same people." The only one I'll give a passing grade to is Nicole Sheridan, (Genie). She always looks like she is ready to go. She has a great set of lips and knows how to kiss. Her two scenes at the end were the highlight. "You may bite them!" But overall, this is standard stuff that's not worth getting too excited about. If you're half drunk one night and it comes out on cable, it will probably be worth a watch. But then again, what isn't worth watching when you're wasted?

One last thing, Beverly Lynne needs to let her hair grow out again. Ever since she practically shaved her head, she has been dead on her feet. In this one, she's got a girl/girl scene and a girl/girl/genie-man scene and they're both shooting blanks. Let your blonde flag fly Beverly. I want to salute you again.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 Jeannies out of the bottle

"Monster Man" review

Monster Man (2003)

Directed by Michael Davis
Writing credits Michael Davis

Eric Jungmann .... Adam
Justin Urich .... Harley
Aimee Brooks .... Sarah
Michael Bailey Smith .... Monster Man

Two guys head down the horror movie highway. They're cruising to a wedding so that they can tell the bride how they feel about her. The Monster Man has other ideas. Ugly dude in a monster truck wants to run them off the road. What drives a Monster Man to such monstrous violence? And what about the sexy hitchhiker? Why would a hot blonde be interested in a complete dork? For the answer to these and other questions, you'll have to sit through a lot of filler to find out.

"Monster Man" starts off looking like it's going to crash into a ditch. The two "best buds" were annoying me to death. One was a loud mouthed jerk that I would have left on the side of the road. The other was an annoying dweeb. Soon they pick up a hot blonde and things get better. There are a lot of filler scenes that drag the movie along. The good news is that the ending saves the movie. Violent and gory, this backwoods slaughter payoff scene saves the day. "Monster Man" is worth a look.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 monsters in a monster truck

"The Hunting Party" review

The Hunting Party (1971)

Directed by Don Medford
Writing credits Lou Morheim William W. Norton

Oliver Reed.... Frank Calder
Gene Hackman.... Brandt Ruger
Candice Bergen.... Melissa Ruger

I saw this one on cable the other night. "The Hunting Party" has been on my list of movies to see for some time. It was listed in a few catalogs of mine as a very violent western from the 70's. Did someone say violence? Violence, violence, VIOLENCE!! Sorry. Let me wipe the drool from my mouth. OK, I'm back now. So I felt pretty fortunate that I could catch this one on cable instead of having to buy a copy for myself.

"The Hunting Party" is the story of a woman and the rapist who loves her. Candice Bergen is the poor wife of sadistic Gene Hackman. When Hackman learns that Oliver Reed and friends have kidnapped his wife, he proposes a "Hunting Party" to take them out. He just got his hands on some super rifles so the party can hang back and pick them off. Bergen falls for Reed since her hairy, illiterate rapist is a more caring lover than psychotic Hackman.

This western is violent. That's for sure. Most of the violence comes from Hackman and his sniper posse. Outlaws get picked off as blood packets explode from their bodies. The ending was also nice and bloody. But "The Hunting Party" is pretty pointless. Hackman chases Reed, outlaws get shot and there you go. I'm glad I didn't buy a copy. If you can see it on cable, it's worth a look.

One last thought, Candice Bergen was really a hot babe back then. I was pleasantly surprised since I'm used to her (older) "Murphy Brown" look. I may have to search out for some more Bergen babe flicks from the 70's.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Bergen babes

"Stanley Kubrick: A Life in Pictures" review

Stanley Kubrick: A Life in Pictures (2001)

Directed by Jan Harlan

Tom Cruise.... Himself (Narrator) (voice)
Arthur C. Clarke.... Himself
Alex Cox.... Himself
Keir Dullea.... Himself
Shelley Duvall.... Herself
James B. Harris.... Himself
Michael Herr.... Himself
Nicole Kidman.... Herself
Anya Kubrick.... Herself
Christiane Kubrick.... Herself
Gert Kubrick.... Herself (archive footage)
Katharina Kubrick.... Herself (as Katharina Kubrick-Hobbs)

I've always been fascinated by Stanley Kubrick. Everyone knows he's a genius, made great movies etc. But the thing I found most intriguing about him was how intellectually interested he was in almost every subject matter under the sun. He could talk your ear off about whatever topic was on your mind. War, science, philosophy, you name it. In many of the books I've read about him, most people talk about how Kubrick always kept in touch with them yet they hardly ever saw him in person. Kubrick would constantly be asking them questions to see what knowledge he could get out of them. I also thought it was interesting how he always seemed to be sending books to people whenever something struck him as interesting and how you should drop what you're doing and read what he sent you.

Another aspect of Kubrick I admired was how he wanted his movies to be seen by as many people as possible. It seems like some directors make movies only for themselves. Kubrick wanted mainstream success but made his movies as challenging as possible. I wonder if he ever saw a contradiction in making movies as intelligently as he did and the desire of the mainstream film going public for simplistic entertainment.

"Stanley Kubrick: A Life in Pictures" goes through each one of his movies and talks to various participants about their memories of working with Kubrick. But clearly since the documentary was put together by Kubrick's friends and family, it's not going to take an overly critical view of him or his movies. Ask Stephen King how he feels about Kubrick and you might not get the glowing praise that everyone else lays out. But overall, I found the documentary to be interesting. It's just unfortunate that Kubrick never took the time to set the record straight on anything. It would have been nice to hear him speak for himself instead of having half of Hollywood do it for him. That, of course, is his appeal. In an age of blah, blah, blah celebrities, here's a guy who doesn't care what you or I thought about him or his movies. His job was over when the movie came out. You liked it or didn't and life went on.

For people who don't know anything about Kubrick, the documentary is a good overview. But for others who do know a little something, it doesn't really add anything new to the Kubrick picture with the exception of a few home movies. This is not the last word on Stanley Kubrick. There probably never will be a last word.

One last thing, check out the "making of" documentary on "The Shining" DVD. It has a lot of scenes of Kubrick at work. It gives a fascinating look at Kubrick dealing with the actors, especially poor Shelley Duvall. He was the kind of boss who never raised his voice but you could tell by looking at his eyes that he was fed up with you.

SCORE: 3.5 out of 4 Kubricks at work

"The Rats" review

The Rats (2002)

Directed by John Lafia
Writing credits Frank Deasy

Mädchen Amick.... Susan Costello
Vincent Spano.... Jack Carver
Shawn Michael Howard.... Ty
Daveigh Chase.... Amy Costello

I didn't know Madchen Amick was in this flick when I rented it but I'm glad she was. The video box had a snarling rat on the cover showing off his fangs. Why not include a picture of Amick on the cover with the rat to sell your movie? I guess they figured a picture of a nasty, disease ridden rat was more eye catching than a beautiful woman.

Out of all the "Twin Peaks" babes, Amick was the hottest. Of course she's a mommy in this movie so don't expect any hot Madchen action. But a familiar face is always comforting when embarking on a B-movie journey. "The Rats" was a decent B-movie. It kept moving and gave me the cheap thrills I crave. It only suffers from what any rat movie will suffer from: How do we get rid of all these dang rats? They come up with the usual preposterous plan to wipe them all out at the same time. But by that point you've settled into the B-movie groove and can let the movie slide to the end.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 rat killing Amicks

"The Perfect Storm" review

The Perfect Storm (2000)

Directed by Wolfgang Petersen
Writing credits William D. Wittliff

George Clooney.... Capt. Billy Tyne
Mark Wahlberg.... Bobby Shatford
Diane Lane.... Christina 'Chris' Cotter
John C. Reilly.... Dale 'Murph' Murphy
William Fichtner.... David 'Sully' Sullivan

Fishermen get greedy for more fish and decide to fight THE PERFECT STORM. Lots of waves attack the boat. Another boat gets caught in THE PERFECT STORM. Who will be saved? Who will outlast THE PERFECT STORM?

Fishing boat vs. THE PERFECT STORM. That's the movie. Somehow the trailer made it look more interesting. I have one big problem with the movie:

SPOILER ON ENDING

So going into the flick, we know the boat sinks. We know that they all die. What we don't know is exactly how they died. So if the filmmakers don't know the details, couldn't they have made it a tad more interesting? Like, maybe a giant shark jumps on board and kills one sailor or a hook gets loose and impales one. The sailors die rather bland deaths. Here was the one aspect that could have been embellished but instead they go for banality.

When the little boat that couldn't gets flipped by the giant wave, THE PERFECT STORM is triumphant. You sitting there wondering why you're watching these sailors battle on, only to get killed. That's why the filmmakers trot out another boat caught in THE PERFECT STORM. The only reason it's in the movie is so that we can be glad that someone is rescued. They are the relief boat for the audience. Thank the Lord, someone lived. Whatever.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 for stormy weather

"SS Camp 5: Women's Hell" review

SS Camp 5: Women's Hell (1977)
AKA SS Lager 5 l'inferno delle donne

Directed by Sergio Garrone
Writing credits Sergio Garrone Vinicio Marinucci

Paola Corazzi.... Edith
Rita Manna.... Alina

"SS Camp 5: Women's Hell" concerns itself with race relations, abortion, medical experiments, mass female showering and other important issues while telling the tale of prisoners in a Nazi prison. Female prisoners of course. The good looking ones are sent to be prostitutes. The not so glamorous ones are sent to be medical experiments. Their favorite experiment was pouring oil onto the leg of a prisoner and setting it on fire. See, that way the doctors can look at the burn wound and see if they can heal it. Or else it was all for the viewers pleasure so he can see a female scream in pain.

Yes, it was another lowdown Naziploitation movie. I won't rest until I've seen them all. They are all so unbelievably slimy. Naziploitation flicks are woman's prison movies except they have the Nazi stigma drenched over them. I feel dirty after watching them. I'm almost ashamed to admit having seen it. Almost!

This one was a little tame. On the plus side, there was nudity and two mass shower scenes. There is a decent torture scene and a couple of unnecessary medical experiment scenes. So that's good. But all of the sex scenes were weak. The women weren't that attractive and there was no gratuitous girl/girl action. I mean, the female warden should be horny. Am I wrong? She wasn't. Nor was she overly sadistic. Ilsa, we needed you for this one. Worth a peek though if you love a good, wholesome Nazi prison flick.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 Ilsas

"Soldier" review

Soldier (1998)

Directed by Paul W.S. Anderson
Writing credits David Webb Peoples

Kurt Russell.... Todd
Jason Scott Lee.... Caine 607
Jason Isaacs.... Mekum
Connie Nielsen.... Sandra

Westerns don't get made much anymore. Filmmakers need to use other genres to fulfill their western fantasies. Just like "Vampires" with James Woods was a "Western with vampires" so "Soldier" is a "Western in space". One man against many. You meet in a deserted town and settle it all. Like real men. High Noon. Soldiers deserve to fight other soldiers.

This is a very simple movie. That's why it's good. Kurt Russell is the old soldier vs. the new and improved soldiers to see who is the king. #1. The Boss. He gets thrown away on a garbage planet because he became out of date. One day the new soldiers find his planet and come down to wipe out everyone. One of those amazing coincidences that Russell was there. Soon Kurt shows them who's in charge.

There's a good beginning scene involving the competition between Russell and the new soldiers. Then there is a long, slow stretch where Russell assimilates to his new planet and people and then the final showdown scene. The middle part was a tad slow but once the fresh meat arrives the action picks up. It was a decent action flick. Russell was the new sheriff in town and booted out the bad guys. I liked it.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 soldiers

"The Ghouls" review

The Ghouls (2003)

Directed by Chad Ferrin
Writing credits Chad Ferrin

Timothy Muskatell.... Eric Hayes
Tina Birchfield.... Sue
James Gunn
Stephen Blackehart

Never before in the history of cinema has a bearded man smoked so many cigarettes. Even Silent Bob would be put to shame by how many cigarettes this guy sucks down. Every time he was on camera, (which was for most of the movie), I kept waiting for him to light up. I felt relief when he went for his lighter. First, he would suck the smoke back into his mouth and then blow it all out. Dude, let me tell you. This guy can smoke. Cigarettes and smoking is what "The Ghouls" is all about. This is what they knew how to film and they did it very well.

So our smoking, bearded hero is a ghoulish cameraman who likes to take pictures of death and destruction. He cruises through downtown L.A. and stumbles across some real ghouls. Seems the homeless like to chow down on whatever idiot happens to be around. Soon our hero must face the ghouls in a bloody showdown.

"The Ghouls" is a very low budget flick. It looks like something that was filmed with a bunch of friends over a couple of weekends. They found a few empty parking lots in L.A., scored some police and fire footage, smoked a lot of cigarettes and made a cheap horror flick. Most of "The Ghouls" is pretty predictable stuff although I did like the last twenty minutes. It was disturbing enough for me.

Overall, there's a feeling of sincerity that runs through this flick which stops me from taking a baseball bat to it. What I'm saying is, they tried. Can't say it was a total success but any movie with intestine eating and bloody entrails can't be all bad.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 cigarette smoking men

"Child's Play" review

Child's Play (1988)

Directed by Tom Holland
Writing credits Don Mancini

Catherine Hicks.... Karen Barclay
Chris Sarandon.... Mike Norris
Alex Vincent.... Andy Barclay
Brad Dourif.... Charles Lee Ray

A kid in Chicago gets a Good Guy doll for his birthday. The doll calls himself Chucky. It's too bad for the kid that the doll is really possessed by a mad killer. No refunds, no returns. Chucky hangs out at his pad until he gets bored. Then it's party time in the doll house.

One thing that struck me about this flick was how everyone could be so scared of a little Chucky doll. Why not just tackle him and drop kick him into the trash compactor? Maybe the sight of a little doll attacking me would freeze my instincts up too. Chucky causes as much carnage as a little doll can.

I liked this flick. It was truly creepy. It was also great that Chucky kept up the facade of being a doll for as long as he did. The Good Guy voice segueing into the Chucky voice was eerie. That's the one thing that the sequels don't really bother with. Chucky forgoes the charade and just acts like the psychopath he is.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 Chuckys

"Tremors" review

Tremors (1990)

Directed by Ron Underwood
Writing credits S.S. Wilson Brent Maddock

Kevin Bacon.... Valentine McKee
Fred Ward.... Earl Bassett
Finn Carter.... Rhonda LeBeck
Michael Gross.... Burt Gummer
Reba McEntire.... Heather Gummer

Kevin Bacon and Fred Ward have worms. Giant worms are roaming under the ground and want to eat the town. Plans are hatched and monsters are fought. The worms counterattack with plans of their own. The chess match between worm monster and man begins.

Planning is essential. Especially when it comes to dealing with giant monsters. Bacon and Ward are accused of not thinking ahead. So the boys put on their thinking caps and try to counter every attack the worms can dream up. "Every battle is fought before a single shot is fired." Or something like that. Only the smartest will survive.

Michael Gross is probably the smartest of all. He's a survivalist that has been planning for just such a contingency. When he hears the news that a monster is heading straight for him, his face becomes deadly serious and he springs into action. No fear. He couldn't wait to do battle. One of the highlights of the movie was the worm attacking his well armed rec room. "Tremors" is a very fun monster movie. One of the great things about it is that the town comes to grips with what they're up against very soon. Instead of the usual, "Monsters don't exist! It's not true!..blah blah", the town realizes immediately that there is something trying to eat them. That lets the audience sit back and enjoy the action.

SCORE: 4 out of 4 graboids causing tremors

"Old School" review

Old School (2003)

Directed by Todd Phillips
Writing credits Court Crandall Todd Phillips

Luke Wilson.... Mitch Martin
Will Ferrell.... Frank Ricard
Vince Vaughn.... Bernard 'Beanie' Campbell
Jeremy Piven.... Dean Gordon 'Cheese' Pritchard
Ellen Pompeo.... Nicole
Juliette Lewis.... Heidi

So Luke Wilson gets a house near a college. His buddies Vince Vaughn and Will Ferrell come up with a plan to start a fraternity so he can keep the house. Then the movie kind of spins off in about ten thousand different directions. The story of old guys partying down on campus gets pushed aside for talk of divorce, infidelity, death and other somber topics that threw ice water on my genitals and stopped the laughter.

The big question is: Did I laugh during "Old School"? The answer is yes. Will Ferrell was easily the funniest guy here. Luke Wilson played the straight, boring guy and that's exactly what he was, straight and boring. Vince Vaughn had some funny spots. The cinder block scene had me laughing.

But where was the old school party madness? So these guys start a fraternity to party down. Where's the party at? I counted two. Wasn't that the point of the movie? To see 30 somethings get wild and crazy on campus? Be young! Be Free! Wasn't it? Instead there is a storyline about the dean wanting them off campus, one about a new girl in Luke Wilson's life who may or may not like him, one about Vaughn not liking marriage although we never see why as he never interacts with his wife, and many others that have nothing to do with getting drunk with college age women.

Take Will Ferrell's character. So he gets married at the beginning of the flick. Sure, we're expecting some tension between his new wife and the fraternity. So he gets drunk at a party and his wife tosses him out. Later in the movie they have a serious scene where they talk about divorce during a funeral. Now I ask you, A) Why are they getting divorced after one drunken night out? and B) Why is this scene in the movie? To show the effects of partying on 30 year old newlyweds? Why go for such a serious turn? Get back to the K-Y Jelly wrestling. Now that was a good scene.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 K-Y Jelly wrestling matches

"Stargate" review

Stargate (1994)

Directed by Roland Emmerich
Writing credits Dean Devlin Roland Emmerich

Kurt Russell.... Col. Jonathan 'Jack' O'Neil
James Spader.... Dr. Daniel Jackson
Viveca Lindfors.... Catherine Langford, Ph.D.
Alexis Cruz.... Skaara
Mili Avital.... Sha'uri

James Spader and Kurt Russell travel through the Stargate. They land on a planet on the other end of the galaxy. This planet holds many answers as to how the pyramids were made and other tidbits of Egyptian culture. Conflict arises when they upset the "God" of this new world.

Well I was disappointed. This is a typical problem with science fiction. You have an idea, (Guess where the pyramids really came from? Outer Space! Isn't that cool? Let's make a movie about it!), but it's not enough to sustain interest for 90 minutes.

So they're working on the Stargate, wondering what does it all mean etc. I'm sitting there hoping there is something cool to see on the other end of the galaxy via the Stargate. When they finally reach their destination, it's a very mundane world that awaits them. There is barely any action in the flick as well which is also a letdown.

I mean, couldn't the Stargate have led them to a planet full of monsters? Or maybe a robot planet? Anything but humanoids under the "Ra" dictator. So this is where the pyramids come from eh? That's great. Really. Yeah....

SCORE: 2 out of 4 intergalactic portals to nowhere

"The Cooler" review

The Cooler (2003)

Directed by Wayne Kramer
Writing credits Frank Hannah Wayne Kramer

William H. Macy.... Bernie Lootz
Alec Baldwin.... Shelly Kaplow
Maria Bello.... Natalie Belisario
Shawn Hatosy.... Mikey
Ron Livingston.... Larry Sokolov
Paul Sorvino.... Buddy Stafford

I saw this the other day with my brother. Man, I need to get back out to Vegas. To paraphrase William Macy, "There's no difference between night and day and no clocks on the wall". Of course that was the reason he didn't like Vegas. That's exactly the reason I love it. The outside world has a hard time seeping into the casinos. You are stuck in a blinking, flashing, gaudy bubble. You're a winner! Keep playing suckers!

No matter how many cautionary tales of Vegas they make, I still find myself itching to go. Well, until I lose my shirt and get tossed into a ditch. But even that would be kind of funny.William Macy is employed at one of the last of the "Old Vegas" casinos. That's fitting since he is a relic from another time as well. He is "The Cooler". He walks by you and your luck sours. Alec Baldwin believes in the magic of Old Vegas and keeps his favorite bad luck Merlin around to cast a hex on the players.

But Baldwin just can't let go of the old ways. Macy wants to leave and his new bosses want to change his casino to groove with the New Vegas vibe. Roller Coasters, Imax Theaters and young, hip singers will rope in the new wave of Vegas players. Baldwin holds on tight to his thuggish ways in the hopes of preserving a little Vegas history.

A blonde waitress, (Bello), casts a love spell on Macy and his luck starts to turn around. When the ultimate Vegas loser makes it with a beautiful blonde, the times they are a-changing. Macy knows Old Vegas is on the way out and wants to split. Baldwin has other ideas.

I enjoyed this little Vegas movie. It has inspired me to make another trip out there. "The Cooler" takes one last glance at Old Vegas before New Vegas steamrolls over it. Macy knew his time was up. He was happy to go. Lady Luck showed up just in time.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 reasons to leave Las Vegas

"The Peacemaker" review

The Peacemaker (1997)

Directed by Mimi Leder
Writing credits Leslie Cockburn Andrew Cockburn

George Clooney.... Lt. Col. Thomas Devoe
Nicole Kidman.... Dr. Julia Kelly
Marcel Iures.... Dusan Gavrich
Aleksandr Baluyev... General Aleksandr Kodoroff (as Alexander Baluev)
Rene Medvesek....Vlado Mirich

Two movie stars join forces to stop nuclear terrorism. Nicole Kidman is the brilliant nuclear scientist and George Clooney is her gung ho army man sidekick. Nuclear bombs get stolen out of Russia and they must find them. Bullets fly and cars are destroyed. The war in Bosnia gets thrown into the mix as well. Thankfully, two Hollywood stars are on the case.

"The Peacemaker" is a decent action flick. It just gives off a major Hollywood vibe. You know, the nuclear scientist somehow always finds herself in the middle of the action. The two leads have their cutesy sparring back and forth: "Care for some coffee?" Kidman says. "Love some", Clooney replies. "It's over there." Kidman says with a self satisfied smirk on her face. Zing! Clooney interrupts her briefing at the beginning to show how clever he is, etc. I'm not saying Hollywoodisms are bad, it's just blatantly obvious that the movie resides in Hollywood's version of reality.

So while the story is a serious one and takes an unusually somber tone for an action flick, I couldn't get serious about it. I knew I was in good hands with the movie stars fighting evil. Clooney and Kidman will save us. They always do.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 movie stars to the rescue

"Alien Lockdown" review

Alien Lockdown (2004)

Directed by Tim Cox
Writing credits Kenneth M. Badish Boaz Davidson

James Marshall.... Charlie Dryfus
Michelle Goh.... Talon
John Savage.... Dr. Woodman
Martin Kove.... Anslow

My friend and I watched this one the other day. After it was over, we both agreed that "Alien Lockdown" is what a B-movie should be like. This was about as good as we could have hoped for. "Alien Lockdown" promises you an alien and a lockdown. It delivers both with a smile.

So an alien runs amok inside a government lab and kills lots of people. They send a hot Asian chick and her hit squad to take it out. The lab is under Lockdown. An "Alien Lockdown". That's it for plot as the rest of the movie has lots of soldiers running around a big building with flashlights beaming and guns blazing.

I have seen this movie before. I have seen this movie many, many times before. All of the B-movie clichés for monster flicks are on proud display: Soldiers, flashlights, big empty building, monster crawling around in the dark, etc. "Alien Lockdown" is not trying to be different or original. It's happy to just take B-movie fans through the monster killing motions. I was satisfied with this one. It hit all the necessary buttons for me. There was a hopping mad alien, he ate a lot of soldiers and a good time was had by all.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 hopping mad aliens

"Sexual Boundaries" review

Sexual Boundaries (2005)

Directed by Clark Stewart
Writing credits Samm Croft

Wendy Rice.... Lenore Gates
Keri Windsor.... Jane Ellis
Rafe.... Eric Chambers
Venus.... Melina
Jessica Drake.... Michelle
Carolyn Monroe.... Lynette

I saw this on cable the other night. A wealthy pervert gets murdered. It's up to Detective Stud and Lieutenant Hot Babe to solve the case. It seems that the weirdo liked to videotape powerful men having powerful sex. All of the clues lead back to his busty blonde psychiatrist who was treating him for his sexual problems. The problem was he liked to watch people have sex. Hey, I might have that problem too. I feel your pain. Many sex scenes spontaneously break out as people keep getting killed. Of course, no one dies until they have had sex first.

"Sexual Boundaries" is a decent late night sex flick. It's worth a look. The first rule of good softcore film-making is to turn down the music and let the sex speak for itself. "Sexual Boundaries" had the good sense to let the performers make their own soundtrack. Keri Windsor is the blonde psychiatrist who gets to have most of the fun. She has about three or four sex scenes and they're all pretty good. I especially liked the scene where she had two ladies in her office and convinced them to express their love for each other on top of her desk. That was some good therapy.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 Keri therapists

"Mark of the Devil" review

Mark of the Devil (1970)
AKA Hexen bis aufs Blut gequält

Directed by Michael Armstrong
Writing credits Michael Armstrong Adrian Hoven

Herbert Lom.... Count Cumberland
Udo Kier.... Count Christian von Meruh
Olivera Vuco.... Vanessa Benedikt
Reggie Nalder.... Albino
Herbert Fux.... Executioner

Confess, confess, confess! "Mark of the Devil" is about torture. It's about torturing people so that they will confess their sin of witchcraft. The chief inquisitor rolls into town to take over the witch hunt from the scabby local hunter. Witch burning has become too important to leave in the hands of such an ugly, incompetent man. Soon beautiful women will be stretched and tortured in the name of God. Udo Kier starts having a change of heart when it becomes clear that the hot barmaid might get the rack as well. He won't stand for it.

"Mark of the Devil" is a competently made B-flick with a large helping of torture. It's gruesome, sick, exploitative, etc. You know, all that good stuff. One girl really gets the snot kicked out of her.

*GORE SPOILER*

She gets stretched, branded and, in the most gruesome scene, her tongue gets ripped out.

*END SPOILER*

Overall, I was pleased with this one. It delivered what it promised.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 devil marked women