"The Naked Cage" review

The Naked Cage (1986)

Directed by Paul Nicholas
Writing credits Paul Nicholas

Shari Shattuck.... Michelle
Angel Tompkins.... Pretty Warden
Lucinda Crosby.... Rhonda
Christina Whitaker.... Rita
Faith Minton.... Sheila
Stacey Shaffer.... Amy

"The Naked Cage" is a fine, fine film. I would rank it among the very best woman's prison movies that I've seen. That is saying a lot as I consider myself to be a connoisseur of the genre. "The Naked Cage" is good stuff.

The movie starts off with a hot chick hitchhiking to the song "Tuff Enuff" by the Fabulous Thunderbirds. She gets involved with a loser and they plan a bank heist. Naturally, an innocent blonde is implicated in their robbery. The rest of the movie is at the woman's prison where the blonde fights for survival among prison riots and horny guards.

All of the elements of a successful woman's prison flick are here. Lesbian wardens, sadistic prison guards, mass shower scene, prison fights and plenty of unnecessary female nudity. The key in these movies is to keep the violence level high. The nudity is always good but for a woman's prison flick we've got to see the women reduced to animal-like ferocity to survive. "The Naked Cage" keeps the girls very angry.
If you like woman's prison flicks, check this one out.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 blondes behind bars

Blonde warden too. Perfect.

"Sasquatch" review

Sasquatch (2002)
AKA The Untold

Directed by Jonas Quastel
Writing credits Chris Lanning Jonas Quastel

Lance Henriksen.... Harlan Knowles
Andrea Roth.... Marla Lawson
Russell Ferrier.... Clayton Tyne
Philip Granger.... Winston Burg

A bunch of people go out into the woods to look for a crashed plane. They argue. They talk. They blackmail. Mostly they talk. The Sasquatch watches all this, scratches his ape head and does nothing. He's a dim-witted Sasquatch. Soon he decides to attack but only after most of the movie has gone by. The viewer screams foul.

First off, the monster on the video box looked nothing like the beast that finally appeared. The box had a vicious looking monster with long fangs and sharp, pointed ears. The movie had a balding ape man who looked like a Hawaiian belly dancer.

The Sasquatch also had the ability to see things just like the Predator. Only instead of seeing things that light up if they are warm blooded, Sasquatch had the ability to see anything in bright white light. One scene has him staring at the main guy and the guy's entire body lights up white, especially his pants. Why is the Sasquatch seeing things in blinding white light? Do the guy's pants give off a scent that induces brightness? What advantage does this give him in nature? Are his eyes headlights? Does he blind deer with his eyes when attacking?

Besides "Predator", another movie "Sasquatch" rips off is "Blair Witch Project". The crew finds a camera in the crash site and on the tape the scared daughter tells her horror story while blubbering. It's the Blair Sasquatch! The scene dragged and dragged some more. While this scene was going on, the Sasquatch was attacking his first victim. And this was near the end of the flick!

So what kind of movie is this? It's not a horror flick. They wasted their Sasquatch. I think they were ashamed of him. It's kind of "The Edge" meets "Predator" meets "Blair Witch Project" meets my garbage can.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 squandered sasquatches

"Blood Gnome" review

Blood Gnome (2004)

Directed by John Lechago

Writing credits John Lechago

Vinnie Bilancio.... Daniel (as Vincent Bilancio)
Melissa Pursley.... Divinity
Julie Strain.... BDSM Goddess
Massimo Avidano.... Dungeon Master
Spanky.... BDSM Slave
Madame Zelda.... Goth Girl
Zero.... Special Appearance (as The Porcelain Twinz)
Zen.... Special Appearance (as The Porcelain Twinz)

Ahh, "Blood Gnome". I needed you. I was going through a serious B-movie drought until I stuck this sucker in the VCR. I saw Julie Strain on the back of the video box and got excited. Although Strain didn't show up until the very end, (topless between two naked blonde twins - YEEEEAAHH!!), I still enjoyed my helping of Bloody Bondage Gnomes.

You see, the Blood Gnomes are little invisible monsters that feed on blood. So, if you were a bloodthirsty demon, where would you go to feed? The blood bank? The hospital? No, no. That's too easy. The Blood Gnomes like to get off while they're feeding. So the Blood Gnomes hang around the S&M crowd and wait for them to engage in "Bloodsport". So if someone gets sliced in a moment of S&M ecstasy, the Blood Gnomes are there to lap it up. Then they tear the rest of the body apart for the bloody cherry on top. Great!

"Blood Gnome" is just what the doctor ordered for B-movie withdrawal pains. It's cheap and tacky and looks like it was filmed over a long weekend but I loved it. One scene has the hero fighting the Gnomes and he kicks a Gnome right in his crotch. Then the Gnome drops to the floor howling and holding his Gnome nads. Thanks "Blood Gnome". I needed that.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 Zens and Zeros in Gnome bondage

"Angel" review

Angel (1984)

Directed by Robert Vincent O'Neill
Writing credits Joseph Michael Cala Robert Vincent O'Neill

Cliff Gorman.... Lt. Andrews
Susan Tyrrell.... Solly Mosler
Dick Shawn.... Mae
Rory Calhoun.... Kit Carson
Donna Wilkes.... Molly Stewart(Angel)

I bought this video for three bucks. You don't know how long I've been staring at the video box cover of "Angel" and wondering when I was going to get around to watching it. The front cover of "Angel" is pure exploitation. It has Angel on the left side of the cover wearing pigtails and holding some schoolbooks. The right side of the front cover has Angel in high heels and a short red skirt. The tag line is "High School Honor Student by day. Hollywood Hooker by night." Classic! This is a film that no sleazy film lover could possibly resist.

One thing you can say about the tag line for "Angel": It didn't lie. So Angel is a high school honor student by day and a Hollywood hooker by night. She hangs out with other ladies of the night and tries to earn some money. A mad killer is stalking Hollywood Blvd. and wants to slice and dice some hookers. Angel won't stand for it. She's got a gun that's bigger than she is and she can't wait to use it.
Well, I wanted to love this movie but it just wasn't sleazy enough for me. I should have known the video box cover was too good to be true. The main problem with "Angel" is that Angel does not get naked. Does NOT get naked. I found this to be troublesome since she was supposed to be a Hollywood hooker. Not only that, she doesn't have any sex scenes in the entire movie. No sex scenes for a Hollywood hooker movie? She even says at one point, "I've had sex with hundreds of men…" When was that Angel? Was that in a different movie?

That's the basic problem with "Angel". It's trying to be a real movie when it should have been sticking to being extra sleazy. "Angel" gets pretty emotional for a Hollywood hooker flick. Angel tends to cry a lot about her family life or lack thereof. Not to seem heartless but I don't really want to see Angel weeping uncontrollably. There are a few scenes of gratuitous female nudity at the high school locker room and some decent fight scenes but overall "Angel" was kind of a letdown.

Great video box cover. So-so B-flick.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Hollywood Angels

"Dawn of the Dead" review

Dawn of the Dead (2004)

Directed by Zack Snyder
Writing credits James Gunn

Sarah Polley.... Ana
Ving Rhames.... Kenneth
Jake Weber.... Michael
Mekhi Phifer.... Andre
Ty Burrell.... Steve

Sarah Polley and some other people head to the mall. She's having a serious zombie problem. First, they screw up her sex life when her hubby gets the zombie chomp on his neck. This happens at Dawn. A Dawn of the Dead if you will. [Note: If a strange little girl is staring at you from your bedroom door, she's probably a member of the living dead and should be killed as quickly as possible. Keep this important safety tip handy for future reference.] Then the zombies follow her to that bastion of goodness, the local mall. It's here that humanity's last hope must make their stand. Much violence follows as the hyper zombies want blood, brains and Polley. Who can blame them?

"Dawn of the Dead" was a great horror movie. However, if you loved the original "Dawn of the Dead", you'll probably hate this one. The zombies of 2004 do a lot more running and jumping than their older versions. In fact, these people are probably more physically fit dead than they were alive. The new "Dawn" is more concerned with action thrills than sending any sort of message about zombie consumers. It worked for me! I prefer a more active member of the living dead. Makes them scarier if I think they can catch me.

"Dawn of the Dead" hums right along and gives the audience the zombie carnage it craves. There are many fine, fine gore scenes. I won't ruin them here. Suffice to say, you get your money's worth with this one. That's all you can ask of any movie.

SCORE: 3.5 out of 4 Polley hungry zombies

"Too Hot to Handle" review

Too Hot to Handle (1977)

Directed by Don Schain
Writing credits Don Buday Don Schain

Cheri Caffaro.... Samantha Fox
Aharon Ipalé.... Domingo De La Torres
Vic Diaz.... Sanchez
Corinne Calvet.... Madame Ruanda

I was at another Blockbuster clearance sale and saw this one lying there. Soon I would have another B-movie for my collection. The video box cover has a hot blonde dressed in a pink bikini posing with a machine gun. How could I resist such cinematic brilliance?

"Too Hot To Handle" stars the leggy blonde from the "Ginger" series. She still can't act but her tan line is a lot less noticeable in this one. She decided to go for the all body tan. The good news is that she gets naked quite frequently. The bad news is that the movie is rather lame. She plays a contract killer by the name of Samantha Fox. This naughty girl needs love too and wants you to touch her, touch her now. She wants to feel your body. She is looking to knock off some sleazeballs and zzzzzz... Her fighting skills are as good as her acting skills. This is to say that they are atrocious. But then again, she does get naked. Hmmmm...

I would say skip this one. If Ginger had got it on with Madame Ruanda, I would endorse it. No female fooling around, no other women get naked, just Ginger Fox doing a bad impression of a naked assassin.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 naughty Samantha assassins

"Embrace the Darkness" review

Embrace the Darkness (1999)

Directed by Kelley Cauthen
Writing credits Rick Bitzelberger

Madison Clark.... Jennifer
Angelina High.... Miranda
Kevin Spirtas.... Galen
Brad Bartram.... Ryan

A vampire couple moves to L.A. The female is very horny while the male vampire wants to lay low. After a century or so together, cracks are starting to show in their relationship. She wants to party, he wants to play the piano. Soon a hot dancer who lives across the street will come into their lives. The guy thinks he's in love with her while his girlfriend just wants another conquest. It's a battle for true vampire love in between a lot of sex scenes.

This was decent. The female vampire, (Angelina High), had a very interesting look. She had an extremely short haircut with touches of white in it. It was certainly not the normal hairstyle for women in these movies. Usually every woman has flowing blonde hair that snaps back as they're having sex. Angelina's hairstyle works for her, probably because she has such a tight body that you don't spend too much time looking at her head. The dancer girl was good too. She got to have sex with everybody except for the blonde bartender. I could have sworn that scene was coming. It didn't though. The blonde was too shy. Angelina wasn't shy though. She had plenty of opportunities to get undressed and she made the most of it. Overall, I was pleased with this vampire romp. It's worth a look.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Angelina vamps

"Trancers 6" review

Trancers 6 (2002)

Directed by Jay Woelfel
Writing credits Paul De Meo

Zette Sullivan .... Josephine Forrest/Jo Deth
Jennifer Capo .... Shauna Wilder
Robert Donovan .... Dr. Paul Malvern (as Robert Donavan)
Timothy Prindle .... Mark

I bought this video for three bucks. Although I haven't seen a single Trancers movie, I decided to skip ahead and jump right into "Trancers 6". I saw a babe with a big gun on the video box cover. That's all I needed to know about "Trancers 6".

Now I realize that I was rash and foolish. I can only assume that the appeal of these movies is the wisecracking Jack Deth, Trancer killer. Well, in "Trancers 6" they do away with him by having him "possess" his daughter and have her do all of the killing. So we get this babe walking around acting tough, telling horrible jokes and killing Trancers as cheaply as possible.

Bashing "Trancers 6" for being a cut-rate sci-fi B-movie is only stating the obvious. But I'll do it anyway. "Trancers 6" is cheap, brain-dead and pointless. Somehow I've got to get my standards above my current "Hot Chick with big gun is good enough". It's going to take awhile.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 girls with guns

"Cube 2: Hypercube" review

Cube 2: Hypercube (2002)

Directed by Andrzej Sekula
Writing credits Sean Hood

Kari Matchett.... Kate Filmore
Geraint Wyn Davies.... Simon Grady
Grace Lynn Kung.... Sasha
Matthew Ferguson.... Max Reisler

Ah, the Hypercube. It's a place where anything can happen. Logic means less than nothing. Physics mean squat. I've seen many B-movies stuck in a Hypercube. This was the first one to admit it.

A bunch of people end up in Hypercube land and start squabbling. Lots of squabbling. They're all somehow connected to Cubeville. Why? What do they know? What is a Hypercube? What the heck does a Hypercube do? Why can't people get along in pressure situations? These and other questions will be bouncing around your brain.

This is the kind of flick that's trying to teach you something about physics but has no idea what it's talking about. You'll just have to go along with its hyper attitude. I was starting to get interested in it. But when I realized that anything can happen to anyone at any time, I knew I was in for a series of "cool" hyper effects as the nitwits opened every subsequent panel door. There should have been some logic to the proceedings. How in the heck am I going to get interested in their plight when nothing these people do will make a difference since spastic cube can do whatever it wants? I have a headache now.

I did like one aspect of the movie though. In the middle of the flick, the group runs into a girl wearing a great red dress. Her flowing red dress against the white cube wall was a cool sight to see. I thought she was going to have more to do with the mystery of the cube than she did. The bright red was glaring at me to watch out for her. Alas, like so much in this Hypercube, it was a false alarm.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 red dresses in a white cube

"The Amityville Horror" review

The Amityville Horror (2005)

Directed by Andrew Douglas
Writing credits Scott Kosar

Ryan Reynolds.... George Lutz
Melissa George.... Kathy Lutz
Jesse James.... Billy Lutz
Jimmy Bennett.... Michael Lutz
Chloe Moretz.... Chelsea Lutz (as Chloë Grace Moretz)
Rachel Nichols.... Lisa
Philip Baker Hall.... Father Callaway

The Lutz family moves into a haunted house. There was a mass murder there and some of the ghosts are still hanging around. Could they have something to do with George's violent mood swings? Could the house itself be evil? You'd think having a priest run for his life from their house would be a sign that they should move. The Lutz family tries to hold it together as the spirits keep telling George to "Katch them and Kill them."
3:15 AM. That's the Amityville witching hour. Every night the ghost alarm clock goes off at 3:15 and it's time to get haunting. "The Amityville Horror" keeps the pressure up. Ghosts haunt the Lutz's lives every night. There are no slow spots in the movie. When in doubt, they throw in another shock scene. Shock after shock after shock… I especially liked the babysitter scene. Now that is a quality babysitter. Her comeuppance in the closet was great. "See what Ronnie did…"

"The Amityville Horror" is a good haunted house flick. I jumped in my chair once or twice. Overall, I enjoyed it. It's worth a look.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 haunted houses

"American Outlaws" review

American Outlaws (2001)

Directed by Les Mayfield
Writing credits Roderick Taylor

Colin Farrell.... Jesse James
Scott Caan.... Cole Younger
Ali Larter.... Zerelda 'Zee' Mimms
Gabriel Macht.... Frank James

My Dad and I went to see this one. If I had any doubt as to what to expect from this movie, the trailers set me straight. Usually before an action flick, the theater will put up other action/thriller trailers in anticipation of a certain audience. Imagine my horror when the first trailer to come up was "Summer Catch" about heartbreak and baseball. Other teen heartthrob trailers followed. My Dad and I looked down with shame. Suckered again.

So a boy band decides to put on western clothes and pretend to be cowboys. They're a fun loving bank robbing gang. The name of this game was cheese. Modern rock tunes are blasting over the action. Everybody's hair was perfect. A scene near the end sums it up perfectly:

*SPOILER ON ENDING*

So the lawmen have captured the head outlaw. They are transporting him on a train. All of a sudden, in the middle of the track, stands the outlaws supermodel wife with a cannon! She lights the fuse and blasts the train. She then turns to the other members of the gang and says, "Now go and git my husband." If that level of cheese is within your tolerance limit, you might like this movie. As for me, all I could see was Hollywood running rampage over the Western genre with their pretty faces and inane dialogue.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 outlaw pop starsThe Wild West outlaws were well known for their perfect hair and blonde supermodel wives. This movie captures the time perfectly.

"Soul Survivors" review

Soul Survivors (2001)

Directed by Stephen Carpenter
Writing credits Stephen Carpenter

Melissa Sagemiller.... Cassie
Wes Bentley.... Matt
Casey Affleck.... Sean
Eliza Dushku.... Annabel
Angela Featherstone.... Raven

I saw this one in the movie theater. You may notice that Eliza Dushku and her breasts are prominently displayed on the poster. I noticed too! Don't be fooled. Dushku is not the heroine. You see that blond girl hiding in the back? No? Look harder. She's waaay in the back. See her now? She's the star. A star the marketing department was ashamed of.

"Soul Survivors" is a mystery. The blond girl is being chased around a lot. I mean A LOT. Why is she being chased? Who is the chaser? What the heck is going on? Let's just say your Sixth Sense will be ringing off the hook when you see the ending. Believe me when I tell you, it ain't worth sticking around that long. Ten minutes is too long. This movie is a huge snore. The only thing good about "Soul Survivors" is Eliza Dusku. No one looks as good as her smoking a cigarette and dancing around.
There's one scene that really sums up the movie's lameness. Now, I saw the PG-13 version so I'm not sure if this has changed on the DVD but the girls take a shower together. Before you leap for joy, know this: They are completely clothed!!!!! LAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMEEEEEE!!!! Oh man, that really hit me where it hurts. Why did they bother? What was the point of that sadistic scene? "Gee, our movie is really lame and pointless. How can we let the audience know we despise them? I got it! The cherry on top! We have two girls play with some paint and then they shower together so the suckers, (I mean the audience), will think they're watching something interesting when in fact they are being teased to death! We have no movie! There is nothing! MOO-HAHAHAHA! Let the soul sucking begin!" Uhhhhhh...

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 for soul sucking lameness Do something.

Why won't you do something?

Too much tease. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

"Jacqueline Hyde" review

Jacqueline Hyde (2005)

Directed by Rolfe Kanefsky
Writing credits Rolfe Kanefsky

Gwen Davis.... Cocktail Waitress
James Ferris.... Carl
Gabriella Hall.... Jackie Hyde
Blythe Metz.... Jaqueline Hyde

Here’s a movie that knows how to sell itself to a guy like me. First, it has a big UNRATED VERSION on the top of the DVD cover. Then, it has the name GARBIELLA HALL written underneath that. Now there’s a woman I’d like to see transformed into a sex monster that will “LOVE YOU TO DEATH!” That’s what’s written at the bottom of the cover. All in all, this movie brings out the shameless hard sell. So naturally I bought it.

Gabriella inherits a big house from her dead grandfather. It turns out that granddad was an amateur chemist and was cooking up a potent sex potion. Formula 55 will let you change your body into whomever you wish. Shy Gabriella takes a swig of it and becomes sexy Jacqueline, (Blythe Metz). Metz decides she likes her ability to take over Gabriella’s body and wants to keep it. This leads to a lot of arguing and yelling as the two personalities do battle with each other for dominance. Who will win? Either way is good with me.

Ah Gabriella Hall. I remember the days when she would be the one who turned into the sex monster. Well, I say she still looks good! Dang it! All right, Metz is a hot babe. She makes a good sex beast. The problem for Gabriella is that she’s acting like such a pathetic loser in this flick that it’s hard to root for her to get her body back. Metz was taking charge of things and I wanted to leave the movie in her hands. I especially enjoyed Metz’s visit to the strip club. That was a good night out on the town. Jacqueline knows how to party. Overall, “Jacqueline Hyde” is pretty entertaining. Gabriella likes variety and turns into some other sexy naked women as well. You can’t fault her for that. One scene has her turn into a man so she can have sex with a girl. Oh that Gabriella. So inquisitive. “Jacqueline Hyde” is not a classic but its fun to watch. It keeps the nudity flowing as hot Jacqueline starts dominating Jackie. It’s worth a look.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 Jackie/Jacquelines

One last thing, I went to Crazy Girls, (the strip club in the movie), a couple of weeks ago. Let me tell you something. It's not that crazy anymore. I don't know what it used to be like but when I was there, there was no stripping going on! You heard that right. No stripping in the strip club. I think there is some lame rule now that they can only strip in the back. There were idiots actually throwing dollar bills at fully clothed women! I could walk down the street and do that! Suffice to say, I will never go back there.

Unfortunately, nothing like this happened when I was there.

"Nightmare Sisters" review

Nightmare Sisters (1987)

Directed by David DeCoteau
Writing credits Kenneth J. Hall

Linnea Quigley.... Melody
Brinke Stevens.... Marci
Michelle Bauer.... Mickey

Quigley, Bauer and Brinke. Does any more really need to be said? You have the three mega babes together again for another naked party. Tears of joy rolled down my face.

"Nightmare Sisters" starts off with the three of them all alone at the sorority house for the weekend. They are all geeks who can't get any guys to go out with them. Hard to believe I know. I didn't recognize Quigley for a second. Her character had buckteeth and sang off-key. Bauer's character was fat and eating like a pig. As strange as it may sound, they were acting! "Nightmare Sisters" threw me for a loop at the beginning of the flick. Where were the babes?

My fears were soon vanquished. While playing around with a crystal ball, a succubus transforms them into sex-crazed demons. This transformation blasts their clothes off. WOO-HOO! The movie improves significantly from this point. The succubus did a good job. Bauer has the Amazon body, Brinke has the innocent girl routine, and Quigley has the Quigley routine. I love all three of them. If I had to choose, I'd go for Bauer. Even if she were a succubus, it would have to be Bauer. It's all about Bauer... Sorry. I'm babbling on. Bauer babbling. Bauer....mmmmmm....

Soon the girls will play around with a cake and have to take a bubble bath. The bubble bath scene is one of the greatest in exploitation movie history. When they rub their breasts, the soundtrack gives off a loud squeaking sound. Classic. The sound effects make half the movie. The other half is the massive amount of Scream Queen nudity.

If the idea of seeing these three women take a bath together excites you, (and it better or else you are clinically dead), get this DVD immediately. There is plenty of nudity to satisfy your B-movie craving. Good flick.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 sexy bubble baths

"Gestapo's Last Orgy" review

Gestapo's Last Orgy (1977)
AKA Ultima orgia del III Reich, L'

Directed by Cesare Canevari
Writing credits Cesare Canevari Antonio Lucarella

Marc Loud.... Commandant Conrad von Starker
Daniela Poggi.... Lise Cohen (as Daniela Levy)
Maristella Greco.... Alma

"Gestapo's Last Orgy" is the touching story of a blonde prisoner of war and her determined and sadistic Nazi captor. He is taken by her lack of fear of dying and decides it would be fun to break her. He talks on and on about how one must fear death to appreciate life etc. He decides to try many little games to get her to shriek. My personal favorite was hanging her naked upside down while the rats jump for her head. AH-HAHAHAHA! "Scream! Cry out!"

Yes, it was one demented little movie. Not bloody or gory, just reveling in it's own twisted nature. Many speeches are given bashing the Jews and how the Germans have every right to rape, torture, do whatever they want to them. Plenty of nudity and yes, there is an orgy.

"Gestapo's Last Orgy" is very well made. Surprising for this level of exploitation. I don't think you could get much lower than exploiting the Holocaust. If you like this kind of stuff, "Gestapo's Last Orgy" is worth seeing. Sick and twisted.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 blonde hungry rats

"Malibu Eyes" review

Malibu Eyes (2004)

Directed by Norman Ollestad
Writing credits Norman Ollestad

Mina Badie .... Michelle
Anita Barone .... Mayor
Brian Bishop .... Cabby #1
Courtney Cole-Fendley .... Hannah

I rented "Malibu Eyes" because I thought it was going to be another sex flick. The description sure sounded like it was going to be: Young girl in a beach house spies on her neighbors etc. But I'm afraid "Malibu Eyes" has pretensions of being something far more than that. It is trying, and I emphasize trying, to be some sort of thriller in which Hannah watches people and in turn is watched by a mysterious stranger. Were the filmmakers trying to tip us off with the palindrome name HANNAH? Hannah gets it both ways. She watches them, they watch her. I watch all of them and cry all night long. It's a vicious cycle.

"Malibu Eyes" is a stinker. It's shot on cheap video and looks tacky. What the heck am I watching? More importantly, where's the sex? If Hannah loves watching people, why can't she watch something interesting? Who knew spying in neighbor's windows could be so dull? Hannah even has a secret camera in her sunglasses. So she wanders around the beach looking like one of the ladies from "Invasion of the Bee Girls". It's preposterous and pathetic. The real kick in the groin with this one is that any remote semblance of a payoff scene is shot so ineptly that you can't make out what's going on. Any nudity or sex scene is handled badly. The only reason for watching Hannah the voyeur is to see what she sees and she better see something worthwhile. You see? Better yet, don't see this one. It's a waste.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 for incompetent voyeurism

"Zipperface" review

Zipperface (1992)

Directed by Mansour Pourmand

Writing credits Barbara Bishop Ralph Lucas

Dona Adams.... Lisa Ryder
Bruce Brown.... Brewster Harris
David Clover.... Harry Shine
John Dagnen

I bought this video for three bucks. The video box cover has a woman in red lingerie lying on her back with a giant picture of a masked Zipperface behind her. The tag line is "The Last Face You'll Ever See!" All of this would lend you to believe that "Zipperface" is an undiscovered sleaze masterpiece. Well, that's what I was thinking when I bought it. How foolish of me. I mean, come on, I paid three bucks for this! Three whole dollars! On this! What did I get for my money? Not much.

When purchasing a movie called "Zipperface", it's not unreasonable to expect to see a guy in an S&M mask ripping and tearing his way through the movie. But "Zipperface" has a big problem: Not enough Zipperface. The masked killer rarely shows his leather bound face. Most of the movie is taken up by bad actors acting badly through drama scenes that no one who paid three bucks cares about. Where's the Zipperface? Are they ashamed of him? Why isn't he around more? I don't know. So instead of Zipperface killing prostitutes as sleazily as possible, we are treated to scenes of the lady cop falling in love with a murder suspect. Zzzzzzzzzz…. In conclusion, I want my three bucks back.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 lost three bucks - I'll miss you!