"Hatchetman" review

Hatchetman (2003)

Directed by Robert Tiffi

Writing credits Robert Tiffi

Cheryl Renee.... Claudia Wagner (as Cheryl Burns)
Chris Moir.... Rob
Jon Briddell.... Sonny Banner
Mia Zottoli.... Star (as Mia)

The filmmakers of "Hatchetman" don't know anything about making a slasher film but they know a lot about making an exploitation movie. "Hatchetman" is about a psycho with a cheap mask and an even cheaper hatchet attacking strippers. A cop shows up to investigate all of these dastardly stripper murders. Will he solve the case and make up with his stripper girlfriend? Do we care? Bring on the breasts!

Speaking of breasts, I must take a moment and praise Mia Zottoli AKA Ava Lake. The filmmakers had the good sense to keep Mia around for as long as possible. The first time I saw her topless, I started singing "Some kind of wonderful!". After seeing her shower scene, it was time to sing "She's a brick...house!". Mia's wonderful brick house makes "Hatchetman" worth seeing.

Any movie that starts off in a strip club has got to be good on some level. Strippers and slashers are a potent exploitation movie mix. As a slasher movie, "Hatchetman" is pretty weak. There's nothing scary happening here. But for a bountiful harvest of breasts, "Hatchetman" has a bumper crop.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 bountiful Zottolis

"Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back" review

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (2001)

Directed by Kevin Smith
Writing credits Kevin Smith

Jason Mewes .... Jay
Kevin Smith .... Silent Bob
Ben Affleck .... Holden McNeil/Himself
Jeff Anderson .... Randal Graves
Brian O'Halloran .... Dante Hicks (as Brian Christopher O'Halloran)
Shannon Elizabeth .... Justice
Eliza Dushku .... Sissy
Ali Larter .... Chrissy

Jay and Silent Bob go to Hollywood to ruin a movie. On the way there, they have many wacky adventures. The best one involves Eliza Dushku. My God she is hot. Seeing her makes me want to live! The scene with her on the balcony in a T-shirt drinking a bottle of champagne was the highlight of the movie. I'm serious. Not the comedic highlight, but certainly the most visually satisfying one.

So Wasteoid Jay and Zen Master Bob hit the road to Hollywood. They discover the internet in this movie and about all the malicious dorks who post nasty comments about the makers of filmed entertainment. Since they are being slagged without mercy, they feel they must have their vengeance. It's time to "Strike Back".

The ending of this flick felt like a sweet revenge fantasy for Kevin Smith. Jay and Silent Bob track down all the people who bad mouthed them and beat them up. Yeah, obsessive geeks who hide behind fake names on the internet and deride famous people on movie websites ought to have their ass kicked. So says Dr. Gore. [Start Heavy Sarcastic tone] In fact, I think movie stars are beyond criticism. Why can't we all just love every single movie they put out? Give them all our money and be happy with it. [End Sarcasm]. Does violence really solve anything against their critics? Jay and Silent Bob don't care when it feels so good.

Overall, "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back" is a very funny, profanity-filled comedy. "Good Will Hunting 2" and Mark Hamill's Cockknocker attack were my two favorite spots. "Why do they call you Cockknocker?" "That's actually a funny story... AAAAHHHH!!" "Avenge me.." You'd have to see it. Besides, how can you not like a movie with Eliza Dusku, Ali Larter and Shannon Elizabeth as leather clad super criminals? How can you not?! Just don't make fun of Jay and Silent Bob. They're watching the websites and taking names.

SCORE: 3.5 out of 4 life-affirming Dushkus

"The Mummy's Kiss" review

The Mummy's Kiss (2003)

Directed by Donald F. Glut

Writing credits Donald F. Glut

Mia Zottoli.... Ramsay Amun/Hor-Shep-Sut (as Mia)
Sasha Peralto.... Ana Harwa/Princess Hat-Em-Akhet (as Sasha Peralta)
Aysia Lee.... Tina Kim
Richard Lynch.... Dr. Wallis Harwa
Katie Lohmann.... Isis
Regina Russell.... Helena
April Flowers.... Yvonne (as Diana Espen)
Elina Madison.... Carrie

Some of the women in this one looked familiar but I didn't recognize any of the names listed on the back of the box. The main mummy babe is listed in the credits as "Ava Niche". Upon viewing her topless, I knew exactly who she was. That's the mighty Ava Lake AKA Mia Zottoli. What a relief to find her in this one. She saved "Mummy's Kiss" from the garbage can.

"Mummy's Kiss" is not a good softcore flick nor is it a good B-movie. It's too serious and somber for a movie about a horny mummy babe. The sex scenes are weak. On the plus side, there are a lot of topless women but I was dismayed that the hot Asian teaching assistant didn't get topless until the very end. Dismayed I say. April Flowers AKA Diana Espen showed up for the party but they didn't give her much to do. She had a short sex scene with Regina Russell but it was over before you know it.

The only saving grace for this one was Mia Zottoli. I love that Mediterranean look. Dark hair, dark skin. Not to mention the fact that her breasts are perfect. Hey, I just liked watching her walk around the college campus. That mummy knows how to strut.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 strutting Zottolis

"Cradle 2 the Grave" review

Cradle 2 the Grave (2003)

Directed by Andrzej Bartkowiak

Writing credits John O'Brien

Jet Li.... Su
DMX.... Fait
Anthony Anderson.... Tommy
Kelly Hu.... Sona
Tom Arnold.... Archie
Mark Dacascos.... Ling
Gabrielle Union.... Daria

Jet Li comes to town looking for some Black Diamonds. DMX is the thief who crosses with Li and then, (of course), joins forces with him to get the bad guys. They kidnap DMX's daughter. Lots of fighting, kicking and B-movie moments follow.

This was a pretty good action flick. DMX had as many fight scenes as Jet Li. Jet Li looked pretty bored. No one was giving him the slightest bit of a challenge. He had this "whatever" look on his face throughout the flick. But there were plenty of cool B-movie thrills. My favorite was Jet Li in the steel cage with all the street fighters. I was satisfied.

However I think the best scene was with Gabrielle Union stripping in the bad guy's office. I can safely say that if this acting thing doesn't work out for her, she could get a high paying job as a stripper. I'm not trying to be insulting. Well, it may be insulting but I mean it as a compliment. She had some great moves. Yes. The knee in the crotch. Classic. Only the best strippers go the extra mile to follow that up with a lick on the face. Gabrielle knew her stuff. Bravo! Encore!

SCORE: 3 out of 4 Unions

"Flesh for the Beast" review

Flesh for the Beast (2003)

Directed by Terry West

Writing credits Terry West

Jane Scarlett.... Erin Cooper
Sergio Jones.... John Stoker
Caroline Hoermann.... Pauline
Ruby Larocca.... Cassandra (as Ruby LaRocca)
Barbara Joyce.... Irene

I bought this DVD. You can tell that the makers of this movie had their heart in the right place. It starts with the title. "Flesh for the Beast". Wow. Already, visions of naked women are dancing in your head as they slither down to hang with the beast. Then you read the description: Female demons wait inside a haunted house...etc. The filmmakers knew all the right exploitation buttons to push. They pushed hard but the movie making part got away from them.

"Flesh for the Beast" has the flesh but the beast is snoozing. The sad part is that even though the flesh is abundant, it's not too appealing. The girls in this one were fair to partly cloudy. The fact that they were all pretty bad actresses didn't help either. They would have bad sex with their victims, put on a bad demon mask and then kill them badly. It was bad.

This is one of those flicks that you feel you should like a lot more than you do. It's got naked Succubis, a haunted bordello and lots of blood and guts. If you're a B-movie fiend like me, it's a heartbreaker. Dang it! Naked female demons are attacking dolts! This is tailor made for a guy like me! It's trying to please me so much! But I just can't get into it. It's just too lame.

Good intentions. Bad movie.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 hungry demon girls

"Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle" review

Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle (2003)

Directed by McG

Writing credits Ivan Goff

Cameron Diaz .... Natalie Cook
Drew Barrymore .... Dylan Sanders
Lucy Liu .... Alex Munday
Bernie Mac .... Jimmy Bosley
Crispin Glover .... Thin Man
Justin Theroux .... Seamus O'Grady
Robert Patrick .... Ray Carter
Demi Moore .... Madison Lee

You know, if loving "Charlie's Angel's: Full Throttle" is wrong, I don't want to be right! This movie is FUN. Hollywood had lost its way. The Angels brought it back. Thank the Lord. Do you like seeing beautiful women play dress up, tell cheesy jokes, and do impossible fighting stunts? Me too! I must see that scene in the Treasure Chest bar again. Who can turn the world on with their smiles? And their whips and leather and gyrating...

This movie is in love with 80's pop music and with other movies. The soundtrack would have to be a triple album to squeeze all the tunes in. Barrymore is the metal chick who falls in love easily. She's LIVING ON A PRAYER and doesn't care about her BAD REPUTATION. Diaz is the clumsy ditz who loves to dance to MC Hammer or whatever else is playing. OH MICKEY, YOU'RE SO FINE! Liu is the queen of stoicism who should always have a whip in her hand. This VENUS had me WALKING ON SUNSHINE because it's ANYWAY YOU WANT IT. Suffice to say, all the Angels are hot and look great in whatever wacky outfit they decide to throw on.

I lost count with the number of movie references. "MI-2" was spoofed on the movie ticket to the premiere. Barrymore's former bad boyfriend should have been called Max "Cady" O'Grady. I think I even caught a bit of "The Blues Brothers" when the Angel nuns hit the orphanage. "Come closer."

There's no real need to go into the details of the movie. It's got something to do with stolen computer chip rings and the Angels changing outfits a lot. A bunch of action set pieces are strung together by some brilliant clue gathering that would shame Batman. "This bird poop means something. It means it's time for a costume change! Surf's up!"

One last thing, the Angels better look homeward to Heaven and pray to God that they look as good as Demi Moore when they hit Angel pension plan age. Mmmmmm...More Moore!

SCORE: 3.5 out of 4 Angels

"Pleasurecraft" review

Pleasurecraft (1999)

Directed by Franklin A. Vallette
Writing credits Louise Dunkirk

Vincent Kessler.... Len
Brandy Davis.... Reva
Taimie Hannum.... Deena
Amber Newman.... Junet

A four man crew and their handy android are transporting a mysterious cargo through space. The captain has to keep the contents secret or else his crew will go wild. When an alien spaceship tries to destroy them for their cargo, the captain has to go check it out himself. Well what do you know? It consists of three hot women. That's some good cargo. The crew is supposed to bring the women to an ambassador as some sort of "brides to be" peace offering but the men, and their hot cargo, have other ideas.

"Pleasurecraft" is a typical Surrender cinema sex adventure. Lots of soft-core sex in a sci-fi setting. Typical. This one actually tried to have a little bit more sci-fi than sex. What's up with that? There is actually a drawn out space ship attack. "Their shields are too powerful!" and "Beam aboard a torpedo!" etc. It was exciting stuff. But not as exciting as the three-way between the hot women! Actually, that scene wasn't that great. "Pleasurecraft" was kind of ho-hum. The best scene had one of the alien chicks and a crew member rolling around near a river. Other than that, it wasn't too exciting. However I did like the short blonde leader of the pack. Brandy Davis is hot stuff. One scene had her posing for the captain in some sort of virtual reality chamber as a cheerleader and other male fantasies. That was nice of her. Alien women know how to please.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 alien Brandys

"Battlefield: Earth" review

Battlefield: Earth (2000)

Directed by Roger Christian

Writing credits Corey Mandell

John Travolta .... Terl
Barry Pepper .... Jonnie Goodboy Tyler
Forest Whitaker .... Ker

Leverage. Remember that word. That sums up "Battlefield: Earth". John Travolta says it countless times as he looks down with disgust over the humans and presumably the audience as well. Aliens attack Earth and Psychlo Travolta laughs his head off.

Besides the fact that the action is lame and the story is not interesting, there is one element that makes this movie worse than it should be. Without this one element, "Battlefield: Earth" would be just a normal, lame B sci-fi movie. That element is John Travolta's over the top bad acting. There is clearly an 800 pound gorilla that made this train wreck happen and that ape is named Travolta.

Normally I don't like to single out a person for a bad movie. I prefer to blame the movie and move on. But I can't imagine any sane director would let him overact this horrendously unless there was a gun to his head. Travolta is terrible in this movie. He laughs like an insane asylum inmate and keeps spouting out phrases about "Leverage!" "Must have leverage!" He is the reason the movie is in the wasteland it sits. The movie was doomed from the start. It had no hope.

SCORE: LANDFILL

"Play-mate of the Apes" review

Play-Mate of the Apes (2002)

Directed by John Bacchus

Writing credits John Bacchus

Misty Mundae.... Commander Gaylor
Darian Caine.... Uvula
Debbie Rochon.... Dr. Cornholeous
Anoushka.... Lt. Pushkintucushkin

I bought this DVD for two reasons. One, to see what all the fuss was about Misty Mundae. I've seen her advertised in many straight to video erotic movies and I had to see what she could bring to the party. Two, to see if Ape woman Debbie Rochon gets naked. I am sad to report that there is no Ape-human sex scene. In fact, I'm not even sure why they bothered with the Planet of the Apes angle at all. Why no Ape boobies? That would have been classic. But what is really interesting about this flick is Misty Mundae. Why is she being sold as a sex goddess? I had to find out.

First off, Misty Mundae is the whitest woman I have ever seen. She is ghost white. Almost transparent. She should think about getting some sun. When I look at her, the phrase "Sex bomb" is not what enters my mind. Let's cut to it. She ain't hot. Her hair is flat and dull. She has no breasts! NONE! Her skin is so white it glows in the dark. So why all the hubbub about Mundae?

Because Misty Mundae gets naked a lot and has sex with every woman she sees. OK. That's a good thing. Also, among the entire cast, she's the only one trying to act. I suspect the producers went to the local strip club and had a casting call for Horny Stripper 1, 2, 3, and 4 to fill out the rest of the cast. My favorite stripper/actress/softcore porn treat was the one named wonder Anoushka. She was the horniest of all the strippers. She ruled this planet.

So basically "Play-mate of the Apes" comes down to six or seven scenes of softcore sex mushed together with some story of humans dancing to prove their worth to the Apes. Seriously. I chuckled at a few spots. As a softcore romp, it's pretty good. Whenever you hear the music kick in, you'll know that nakedness is on the way. Why blast music over the top of every sex scene? Half the fun is listening to the women moan with pleasure.

In conclusion, I really don't know how Misty Mundae has carved out a piece of the erotic jungle for herself. Maybe I'm too much of a breast man to understand. But I have to give her credit for the amount of sex she has on the Planet of the Horny Strippers.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 play-mate Mundaes

"Hotel Exotica" review

Hotel Exotica (1998)

Directed by Marcy Ronen
Writing credits Dawn Pascual

Landon Hall.... Carly
Taylor St. Clair.... Rosa
Steve Curtis.... Zeke
Nikki Fritz.... Zeke's Lover

Ripped off again. The so called "Director's cut" version of "Hotel Exotica" is nothing of the sort unless the director really wanted to sell a tame R-rated version. I know this because I had caught the flick on cable many years ago and I can assure you that there's a lot more to the movie than this. One of the sex scenes I really wanted to see again was the one where Landon Hall's sister and Taylor St. Claire meet in the kitchen for a late night rendezvous. In the cable version, this scene rocked on for a good ten minutes. In the DVD I just saw, the scene ends after less than a minute! Taylor St. Claire sticks a piece of ice in the sister's mouth and that's it. That's it?! Wow! What a rip-off! Do not, under any circumstances, buy the "Director's cut" version of this film.

"Hotel Exotica" is about Landon Hall and her attempts to get her husband interested in her again. They end up at Hotel Exotica with the hopes that sparks will start flying. Her sister tags along and hopes to find something interesting there as well. In the version I saw, nothing interesting is happening at Hotel Exotica. Most of the sex scenes are brief and miss the point. A lot of them have the couples having sex…under the covers! What? That can't be right. Say it isn't so! Who in their right mind films a sex scene with naked bodies hiding under the sheets? "Hotel Exotica" is a complete dud. Don't waste your time.

One last thing, one of the reasons I bought this DVD was because I saw that Nikki Fritz was in it. When I saw the credit flash on the screen, "Featuring Nikki Fritz", I knew I was in trouble. Sure enough, Fritz is on the screen for about 20 seconds. It looked like a Fritz clip from some other movie was pasted onto this one. This Fritz deception elevates "Hotel Exotica" to shameless rip-off level. Avoid this hotel at all costs.

SCORE: LANDFILL

"Can't Hardly Wait" review

Can't Hardly Wait (1998)

Directed by Harry Elfont Deborah Kaplan
Writing credits Deborah Kaplan Harry Elfont

Jennifer Love Hewitt.... Amanda Beckett
Ethan Embry.... Preston Meyers
Charlie Korsmo.... William Lichter
Lauren Ambrose.... Denise Fleming
Peter Facinelli.... Mike Dexter
Seth Green.... Kenny Fisher
Jaime Pressly.... Beth, Girlfriend #1

My friend and I were shooting pool next door to the movie theater showing "Can't Hardly Wait". I had a movie pass at the time which let me get into movies for free. A teen comedy for free sounded good to me. So I told him I could shoot pool with him for awhile but then I had to leave at 9:30 to see the movie. So we started shooting pool and drinking pitchers of beer. I was winning and drinking, drinking and winning. By the middle of the fifth pitcher, I realized it was 9:20. "Gotta go dude." He steered me to the movie theater and I grabbed a ticket.

I found this movie to be quite hysterical. However, if I had seen it sober, I probably wouldn't have laughed as much. The teens are having a big party to celebrate graduation. Everybody has things they desperately need to say to each other before it's too late. They "Can't Hardly Wait". The scene that really had me going was when the nerd starts getting drunk and decides to sing Guns and Roses PARADISE CITY, (one of the greatest rock songs of all time). He's rocking out while drunk out of his mind, (just like me), and a girl in the front of the crowd flashes her breasts at him. He faints but then leaps right back up like the new found Rock God he is. I would recommend this movie just for that scene. The rest of the movie was a standard teen comedy mixed with some drama.

One last thought, keep an eye out for a young Jaime Pressly as one of the cool kids girlfriends. She has a great dancing scene with another girl. It'll be pretty hard to miss her unless you're completely drunk. Burp.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 for beer making it better. Certainly, we can all agree on beer.

"The Pack" review

The Pack (1977)

Directed by Robert Clouse
Writing credits Robert Clouse

Joe Don Baker.... Jerry
Hope Alexander-Willis.... Millie
Richard B. Shull.... Hardiman

This movie has a problem. Dogs, by themselves, are not scary. Sure if some weird serum gets injected into them or they are bitten by a rabid bat they can be ferocious. But these dogs look like they came out of a dog food commercial. There's one scene where the dogs are chasing after the humans in slow motion and all I could think of was that they were running for dinner time. "I want my kibbles and bits and bits and bits..."

So these dogs get abandoned on an island. A lot of vacationers ditch their dogs when they leave. The dogs huddle together and become THE PACK. They try to screw up Joe Don Baker's vacation but Baker doesn't take kindly to a bunch of mutts trying to take the bone out of his leg. It's on.

"The Pack" was pretty toothless. They had one dog who could make a scary face but that was it. He could pull his lips back and show his teeth but the other dogs just stood around with that vacant, happy dog look. They didn't inspire fear.

The ending is what takes it over the top. Humans and dogs reconciling to live in peace. "Shake boy. Good doggie." Blah.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 piles of dog chow

"Basic Instinct" review

Basic Instinct (1992)

Directed by Paul Verhoeven
Writing credits Joe Eszterhas

Michael Douglas.... Det. Nick Curran
Sharon Stone.... Catherine Tramell
George Dzundza.... Gus Moran
Jeanne Tripplehorn.... Dr. Beth Garner

Catherine Tramell, (Sharon Stone), is dangerously feminine. The cops send Detective Curran, (Michael Douglas), to smooth out her rough edges. A body is found all hacked up. Seems Tramell was seeing the corpse. They weren't in love, it was just for sex. Douglas's spider sense starts tingling. Sexually active woman means trouble. Digging more into her background, it turns out that she likes other women too. This will not do. Douglas is on the case.

Have you ever seen a movie that was more afraid of a woman's sexuality than this one? Douglas's partner screams and yells at him not to give in to the power of her vagina. Douglas calmly tells him, "I'm not afraid of her." In the interrogation room, Stone flashes the cops with the awesome power between her legs. Only Douglas has the composure to snap out of it and go on with the questions. Everyone else is humble and speechless before her.

So it is on Douglas's shoulders to fight the good fight and tame the hot, blonde, sexually active WOMAN. It is the battle of the sexes wrapped up in a sleazy, mainstream thriller. Guess who wins?

It is to the filmmaker's credit that "Basic Instinct" is so good. The suspenseful music is fantastic and the sex is hot. We can thank this movie for the countless B-erotic thrillers that have come after it. I'm just not sure whether the filmmakers like women or loathe them. They must fear what they don't understand. Douglas had to vanquish their fears and win one for the guys.

SCORE 4 out of 4 hot Stone flashes

"The Exhibitionist Files" review

The Exhibitionist Files (2002)

Directed by Tom Lazarus
Writing credits L.L. Thomaso

Nikita Cash.... Diane (as Nikita Kash)
Drake Dorado.... Mark
Flower.... Della (as Flower Edwards)
Catalina Larranaga.... Lisa

I saw this on cable the other day. Catalina Larranaga is the super hot doctor researching some exhibitionists. She's creating the Exhibitionist files. She talks to them, they talk into the camera, Catalina talks into the camera and basically everyone keeps talking and talking until I passed out cold. "The Exhibitionist Files" makes the same fatal mistake that "Married People: Single Sex" makes: Too much talking! They've think they've hit on some universal truth and want to hammer it to death. Yes, people like to have other people watch them have sex, be naked and generally act naughty. So skin flick performers are exhibitionists and the viewers are all voyeurs. OK. I'm a voyeur and you're an exhibitionist. Glad to meet you. Now can we please start exhibiting something interesting?

I think I counted a grand total of two sex scenes. Catalina has sex with a guy on a couch and some other hot chick gets it on in a parking lot. Other than that, it is just one lost soul after another confessing everything to Dr. Catalina. I finally went insane when they had one guy tell Catalina about how he likes to go to massage parlors and have the women look at him as he touches himself. People please! Stop! No more! I don't want to know! Keep it to yourself man!

The only good thing about this one was Catalina Larranaga. She's got that great Mediterranean look we all know and love: Long dark hair with dark skin, etc. She had some hot outfits on in this one. She wore a couple of tight fitting turtlenecks and some nice suits. Just the fact that I have to praise her wardrobe gives you an idea of the amount of nudity in this skin flick. Close this Exhibitionist file immediately.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 wasted sessions

"Contamination" review

Contamination (1980)

Directed by Luigi Cozzi
Writing credits Luigi Cozzi

Ian McCulloch.... Commander Ian Hubbard
Louise Marleau.... Colonel Stella Holmes

Football shaped alien eggs are discovered in NYC. If any of their yolk gets on you, your chest explodes. The case leads the authorities to a South American coffee company and two former astronauts to Mars. It's all a sinister plot to plant the eggs around the world so everyone can spontaneously combust.

Sounds good right? Well, it ain't. There are three good gore scenes. All three involve the effect of having someone's chest explode. Alien gook gets on you and your innards fly out. They built this entire movie around that one effect. It's all they had. I must praise them for that. It was cool.

But if that's all you got, why not show more of it? The rest of the movie is a yawner. I was hoping for a lot more chests to go boom. Instead we see the heroes go about their detective work and grind the movie to a halt. This movie needed a lot more alien egg action.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 exploding alien eggs

"Bikini Chain Gang" review

Bikini Chain Gang (2005)

Alexandre Boisvert
Beverly Lynne
Jay Richardson
Nicole Sheridan
Evan Stone

Beverly Lynne gets thrown into prison after being framed by her boss. The warden takes pity on her plight and lets her work on the chain gang. Apparently, at this prison, it’s a privilege to break rocks all day. Beverly and the rest of the Bikini chain gang make a break for it after prison guard Nicole Sheridan decides to take a sex break in the back of the prison van. This all leads to more sex around a broken-down car and an abandoned farmhouse in the not so exciting conclusion.

“Bikini Chain Gang” is an exceptionally cheap and lazy movie. It kind of pretends to be a B-movie then it sort of pretends to be a skin flick and then it ends. The acting is really half-ass in this one. Even Beverly Lynne, who can usually be counted on to be a fairly decent actress, sleepwalks her way through it. But you want to talk out-of-this-world bad acting? Nicole Sheridan gives an outrageously over the top impersonation of a prison guard in this one. And she looks like this!

Of course, “Bikini Chain Gang” is trying to be a comedy so it would be hard to lay all the blame on her if she was told to be as loud and obnoxious as possible. The whole move looks like it was shot in one take over a long weekend. They probably couldn’t afford to turn the cameras off and just told the cast to keep going: “Was that take good?” Did we film it?” “Yeah, but…” “Great! Moving on!”

I know what you’re thinking: Who gives a rat’s ass about the acting, or lack thereof, what about the sex scenes?! Well, they weren’t too bad. Sheridan has a pretty good sex scene in the prison van. She keeps her black boots on the whole time and I loved every second of it. Lynne has two sex scenes, one in the farmhouse and one on a desk while she’s handcuffed. Both scenes are with guys. The best sex scene was at the very beginning between two of the Bikini chain gang ladies in the prison locker room. Prison had unleashed hidden passions between the two jailbirds. Well, maybe the passions weren’t too hidden.

Overall, “Bikini Chain Gang” is pretty sloppy work but the sex scenes are worth a little something. Lynne is letting her hair grow out again and looks great working on the bikini chain gang. So it’s not all bad. It’s also got Nicole Sheridan dressed in leather holding a shotgun. That's definitely not bad at all.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 bikini chain gangs

"Cheerleader Massacre" review

Cheerleader Massacre (2003)

Directed by Jim Wynorski
Writing credits Lenny Juliano

Tamie Sheffield.... Ms. Hendricks
Charity Rahmer.... Parker Jameson
Erin Byron.... Angela Caruso
Lenny Juliano.... Buzzy (as Leonard Johnson)
April Flowers.... Tammy Rae (as Elizabeth Short)
Nikki Fritz.... Debbie

First, I'd like to salute the title and DVD cover for this movie. "Cheerleader Massacre". That's the kind of B-movie title that'll rope in the suckers. Ooops, I mean fans. The cover has three women, (in cheerleader outfits with pom-poms of course), looking terrified as a blue jeans wearing maniac is holding a phallic chainsaw between his legs. I see cheerleaders and I'm praying for a massacre. So far, so good.

Well, it didn't take too long for this one to derail and fly off the tracks. The girls never once wear any cheerleading outfits! Couldn't they at least give us that? No, that would have cost money. They couldn't afford a chainsaw either. They could barely afford blue jeans for the killer to wear. The massacre was weak, weak, weak. Nothing scary here. Or gory. Mighty poor slasher flick.

However, "Cheerleader Massacre" is not completely worthless. The women in this movie are a pleasant sight. I must nominate director Jim Wynorski for the Lifetime Achievement award for Most Gratuitous Shower scenes per movie. There is a shower scene about ten minutes into it with an Elisabeth Shue look alike and another hot "cheerleader". The adult coach, (Tamie Sheffield), has an ultra long shower which saves the movie. Her breasts needed a good scrubbing. There was a lot of ground to cover. So if cheap T&A is your bag, you'll get something nice out of this massacre.

One last thing, there is a fairly brief, but nice, sex scene near the end. I thought to myself: This girl knows her stuff. She has got some hot moves. Scanning the IMDb credits for her, I see her name was Diana Espin, AKA Elizabeth Short, AKA April Flowers. The IMDb tells me that she's been in over 50 porno movies. WOW! I had no idea. I will have to hunt down some more of her work. Bravo Ms. Espin/Short/Flowers!

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 Espins/Shorts/Flowers

"Dead and Rotting" review

Dead & Rotting (2002)

Directed by David P. Barton

Writing credits David P. Barton

Stephen O'Mahoney.... Hollis
Tom Hoover.... J.B.
Debbie Rochon.... Young Abi

I bought this video. The video box cover looked cheap and cheesy but I saw that Debbie Rochon was in it and decided to give it a whirl. Rochon is an angry witch. Some fools mess with her family and she wants revenge. So she decides to seduce the fools and get pregnant. Her ghoulish offspring will wreck havoc on the imbeciles. Much seducing and ghoul action follows.

"Dead and Rotting" is pretty bad. If Debbie Rochon wasn't in it, I would have shut the movie off at the midway mark. The first time we see her, she's topless in a bathtub. For the rest of the movie, she stays clothed even though she is regularly seducing men and having sex. This is shameful. When making a movie about a horny, vengeful witch, you should at least have the courtesy of showing one sex scene. Every "sex" scene in "Dead and Rotting" is post coitus. *Sigh* No more Rochon for us.

So if there's no Rochon action, what else is there? No surprise, there's nothing else. Ghouls bumble around and attack the guys. The gore is pathetic and the scares are non-existent. Only die hard Rochon fans need to see this one. Everyone else can avoid.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 for Rochon showing up among the rotting

"The Model Solution" review

The Model Solution (2002)

Directed by Edward Holzman

Sebastien Guy.... Jack (as Scott Duke)
Holly Hollywood.... Emma
Kim Yates.... Rebecca (as Kim Laurel)
Regina Russell.... Caroline
Kimber Lynn.... Sherry (as Kimberlee Castaic)
Katie Lohmann.... Kelsey (as Katie Lohman)
April Flowers.... Sophia (as Diana Espen)
Sasha Peralto.... Diane (as Sasha Rochelle)

A guy runs a modeling agency out of a huge white house in L.A. that I have seen featured in many, many skin flicks before. This massive house is infamous. I just saw "The Key to Sex" which used this house for numerous sex scenes. It's the ultimate skin flick set. Swimming pool, nice view from the deck, enough beds and couches around for everybody to have fun on, etc. I wonder whose house it is. It must be some producer's house. The skin flick business has been very good to whoever owns this monstrosity. What a great way to save money. Just keep cranking out scripts and film the whole thing at the Malibu pleasure fortress.

If you think about it, the skin flick business couldn't possibly exist anywhere else in the world. It has to be in Los Angeles so it can be near all of the beautiful women who are trying to be models, actresses etc. Every third house in Van Nuys or Chatsworth that has a swimming pool is probably filming some sort of sexual activity. The sex flick business makes more money than Hollywood and this massive, sprawling mansion in "Model Solution" is a glaring testament to that.

Anyway, forgetting about the house for a second, "Model Solution" is a fairly lame skin flick. It has a lot of familiar faces doing a lot of familiar things but it was all pretty ho hum. A guy is competing with an old girlfriend for a modeling contract. This leads to sex. In fact, any plot point that comes up leads to sex. It's amazing. No matter what happened, it always ended up leading to sex. I guess that's why I like these movies. You know what you're getting.

The problem is that no one seemed to be into it. Everyone seemed to be going through the motions as they spent a little quality time at the Malibu pad. You've got April Flowers, Sasha Rochelle, Regina Russell and a few others. No one really stands out although I did like Holly Hollywood as the homely, (not really), assistant. She only has one sex scene. It's not that good, a little slow and in the dark, but her presence has inspired me to find other, better Holly Hollywood movies. "Model Solution" can be skipped.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 Hollys in Hollywood

"Volcano" review

Volcano (1997)

Directed by Mick Jackson

Writing credits Jerome Armstrong

Tommy Lee Jones.... Mike Roark
Anne Heche.... Dr. Amy Barnes
Gaby Hoffmann.... Kelly Roark
Don Cheadle.... Emmit Reese

The most important thing to know about "Volcano" is that there is no Volcano. Lava bubbles up from the La Brea Tar Pits and sludges through L.A. So a more apt title would have been "Lava". Or perhaps "Lava Flow". Or how about "It's like Lava!". Where oh where did my Volcano go? Oh where, oh where can it be? It must be stuck in a different movie.

Anyway, "Volcano", (Lying title!), is a disaster flick. It's a very mainstream, cheese-o-rama, disaster flick. It's the kind of flick where people do noble things and your eyes are supposed to water up with emotion. Oh, they'll be watering up all right. You'll be laughing your head off so much that the tears will fall. One scene stands out: A guy tries to save the passengers on a subway train from the slowest moving lava in the world. So he jumps on board and starts taking people out. In his final act of selfless courage, he carries the last person out as he slowly melts into the lava! I don't know about you, but if lava was burning my legs to the bone, I think I'd be howling in agony. I sure wouldn't be able to keep a straight face like this guy, nor could I carry anything, let alone a person, to safety.

The whole movie is like that. It's about people caring about other people. A preposterous disaster will unite us at last! Sniff, sniff. A little girl at the end of the movie notices everybody covered in black soot and remarks that they all look the same. Can't you see the message? We're all the same! Humans must help other humans! Especially when Hollywood concocts an asinine disaster flick! Save me!

SCORE: 2 out of 4 cheesy disasters