"Nude Nuns with Big Guns" review

Nude Nuns with Big Guns (2010)

Director: Joseph Guzman
Writers: Joseph Guzman, Robert James Hayes II

Asun Ortega ... Sister Sarah
David Castro ... Chavo
Perry D'Marco ... Father Carlittos
Maxie J. Santillan Jr. ... Mr. Foo
Ivet Corvea ... Mistress Charlotte
Aycil Yeltan ... Sister Angelina
Emma Messenger ... Mother Magda

Sister Sarah is a bad nun. She gets mixed up with some drug dealing pimps who can’t wait to rip her vow of chastity from her. When a drug deal goes sour, (as they often seem to do), Sister Sarah is thrown into the whorehouse. The humiliations and drug abuse pile up until a Good Samaritan saves Sarah from her private hell. For his troubles, Sister Sarah puts a bullet in him. Now she will have her vengeance against all men. Lowlife, stinking, rotten, no good, abusing men. She is a (sometimes) nude nun with a (sporadically) big gun.

“Nude Nuns with Big Guns”. There are two elements clearly stated in the title that better manifest itself in this B-movie. I’m pleased to tell you that there are nude nuns and they do, on occasion, carry big guns. But I was more concerned about the nude nuns than I was about the big guns. It could have been “Nude Nuns with Big Knives” and I would have been just as happy.

So Sister Sarah goes on a rampage and kills a lot of scum. Is there anything more to this movie? Anything else worth mentioning? Not really. The title pretty much highlights the message the filmmakers were trying to convey. Well, there was a nice lesbian scene between Sister Sarah and another woman. That scene served as a crucial plot point to show Sarah’s tenderness manifesting itself with some sweet lovemaking. And yes, I’m just kidding. It was yet another scene of mindless exploitation to please the B-movie fans.

That pretty much sums up “Nude Nuns with Big Guns”. Mindless exploitation. I suppose it was trying to be a competent rip-off of a Robert Rodriguez movie. It even sampled some “Grindhouse” music and named its strip club the “Titty Flicker”. I’m sure Rodriguez is impressed with this tribute to his A-movie success. As for me, I found it to be a reasonable way to spend an afternoon. The nuns were nude and the guns were huge. That’s all I needed to see.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 nuns with big guns

"The Cabin in the Woods" review

The Cabin in the Woods (2011)

Director: Drew Goddard
Writers: Joss Whedon, Drew Goddard

Kristen Connolly ... Dana
Chris Hemsworth ... Curt
Anna Hutchison ... Jules
Fran Kranz ... Marty
Jesse Williams ... Holden
Richard Jenkins ... Sitterson
Bradley Whitford ... Hadley
Brian White ... Truman
Amy Acker ... Lin

Five friends want to go to a cabin in the woods for the weekend. They want to party, get high, get laid and other things college students do at a cabin in the woods. But they’re not the only ones who want to see them take off for their backwoods party. A mysterious corporation is monitoring their activity to make sure that everything goes as planned. There are certain rituals that have to be followed if you want to have a successful venture into the woods. Will everything go as planned? Why does the corporation care about how to stage a creepy backwoods thriller? They know that they’re not the only ones watching. You have to keep your audience happy.

“Cabin in the Woods” is a brilliant movie. It is one of the few movies I have actually gone to see twice in the theaters. Round two was just as good. But this movie is shocking in how good it is in keeping you wondering why these potential horror movie victims are being monitored. You will have more fun watching this movie if you don’t know too much about it. All you need to know is that it is made for horror fans by acknowledging all of our hopes and desires for a horror flick.

What are the buttons that need to be pressed to stimulate the audience‘s senses? “Cabin in the Woods” explores this question by having two puppet masters, (Richard Jenkins and Bradley Whitford in hilarious performances), literally push the buttons that propels the story forward. If the “slut” victim doesn’t feel like having sex, Jenkins is there to release the pheromones necessary to get her juices flowing. Once she has opened her blouse to reveal her breasts, she has transgressed enough to warrant her death. Why showing breasts is a transgression I’ll never understand but the horror movie gods must be satisfied.

“Cabin in the Woods” kept me guessing throughout the entire movie. I knew that these college students were being set up but I had no idea why. I assumed it was for the amusement of some off screen entity but had no clue as to where this movie was heading. The ending of the movie is a huge payoff scene. I won’t spoil it for you here but just know that you won’t see it coming. I had a blast watching “Cabin in the Woods”. It needs to be seen. Loved it.

SCORE: 4 out of 4 horror victims

Kiss me.

"Dream Home" review

Dream Home (2010)

Director: Ho-Cheung Pang
Writers: Ho-Cheung Pang

Josie Ho ... Cheng Lai - Sheung
Eason Chan ... Siu To
Michelle Ye ... Flat 8A Female Owner
Norman Chu ... Sheung's Father
Kwok Cheung Tsang
Lawrence Chou ... On Jai
Juno Mak ... Cop Fat
Hee Ching Paw ... Sheung's Mother

Josie Ho has a dream. She wants to buy a condo with a seaside view. But real estate in Hong Kong is a tad expensive. She’s had to work hard to save up enough cash but it looks as if her struggles are going to be rewarded with a new ocean front condo. Alas, it is not to be. The seller’s greed has raised the price and Josie cannot afford her dream home. What’s a despondent buyer to do? Kill them all of course.

“Dream Home” is a tale of Hong Kong real estate, greed, and the massacres they inevitably provoke. Josie’s life has been a tough one. She’s had to take care of her sick dad and then lament the fact that his life saving operation won’t be covered by insurance. She also had to contend with the man she was having an affair with actually having the gall to go back to his pregnant wife. What is this world coming to when a man won’t be faithful to his mistress? This will not do.

Josie’s life is full of stress and she needs to find a way to blow off a little steam. The perfect release from all of these real world problems is homicidal vengeance. Josie stalks her lover’s wife and attacks. The fact that the woman is pregnant means nothing to Josie. Her moral compass has broken but her aptitude for extreme violence is surprisingly high. In an ingenious move, Josie sticks a vacuum space bag over the pregnant woman’s head and sucks all of the air out of her body. Hell hath no fury, etc.

This violent episode turns out to be a training ground for Josie’s true targets: The scum who have stolen Josie’s dream home by actually living in it. Once Josie sets her sights on the dream home’s occupants, the movie becomes a long splatter episode as they all have to pay dearly for stealing Josie’s dream.

“Dream Home” is an interesting splatter flick. Frankly, it had a little more plot than I was expecting from a Category III movie. Did I really need to see scenes of a young Josie talking to her friend via the two cups and a string device? I would argue no. There is only so much set-up needed to get to the splatter highlights. This is not a parable which instructs us on the folly of the real estate market. This is a horror flick pretending that it’s teaching a lesson. Those pesky censors always fall for a supposed moral lesson.

But “Dream Home” has some violent content which satisfied me. It also didn’t hurt that Josie Ho looked good hacking and slashing her way across Hong Kong. I only hope that the Category III flick makes a comeback in HK cinema. That would be my dream. I won’t go homicidal if it doesn’t come true but I’d be upset.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 jilted Josies