"I Am Virgin" review

I Am Virgin

Director: Sean Skelding
Writers: Sean Skelding David Wester

Melinda Ausserer ... Female Vampire 1
Hank Cartwright ... Dad
Jamison Challeen ... Newscaster 2
Amber Chase ... Porn Store Vampire 3
Adam Elliott Davis ... Robby
Nick Dent ... Porn Store Vampire 2
Lilith Eve ... Warehouse Vampire 1
Jessica Jackson ... Vampire
Ron Jeremy ... Paul
Zuzzie Kapas ... Vampire Nurse
Jennifer Loomis ... Vampire Bartender

Vampires are loose in the world and they're having sex. Robby is trying to survive as the last virgin on Earth. He's surrounded by undead nymphomaniacs and he still can't get laid. Robby sits by his computer all day lamenting about his current state of virginity. So to ease his mind he heads out into the world to take a peek at how the other half copulates. Everywhere Robby goes there is an orgy in process. Robby is a confused virgin and just likes to watch sex scenes play themselves out over and over again. Ron Jeremy shows up to tell Robby to quit whining and pop the cherry already. Even Jeremy can't steer Robby off the path of dedicated voyeurism.

I rented "I am Virgin" under the assumption that it was a spoof of "I am Legend". I was waiting for Robby to take out the shotgun and blast the horny vampires into oblivion. I waited and waited but Robby was too lame to do anything. Instead I got to see Robby run around town with his trusted Basset hound so he could watch various women with tattoos make sweet vampire love.

"I am Virgin" is a pointless movie. Although if the point of the movie was to show softcore sex scenes wrapped around a whiney virgin then mission accomplished. I have been known to enjoy a softcore movie or two, (or three), so there were parts of the movie I liked. In fact, the first sex scene that Robby stumbles upon has three vampire women making out with each other. I found this scene to be quite enjoyable. They made the post apocalyptic world look pretty good. But then Robby freezes at the end and runs away.

That basically sums up the problem with this movie. Robby does nothing. Nothing! He must have watched five or six sex scenes unfold. While they had their arousing moments, Robby should have gotten a little more involved in the movie. Like, oh I don't know, kill the vampires maybe? Perhaps indulge in some vampiric foreplay before running for his life? Robby should have fought valiantly to hold onto his precious virginity instead of bolting like a scared rabbit at the sight of humping vamps.

"I am Virgin" has a lot of softcore sex scenes and a running scared virgin. That's about it. The sex scenes are not good enough to recommend a viewing but they do manage to save "I am Virgin" from B-movie oblivion. Ron Jeremy shows up to laugh in Robby's face for staying a virgin. He probably should have lectured Robby a little harder about the perils of staying pure in an insane world. It would have made for a more interesting movie.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 virgin killers