"Mirrors" review

Mirrors (2008)

Director: Alexandre Aja
Writers: Alexandre Aja Grégory Levasseur

Kiefer Sutherland ... Ben Carson
Paula Patton ... Amy Carson
Cameron Boyce ... Michael Carson
Erica Gluck ... Daisy Carson
Amy Smart ... Angela Carson

So I met my friends over in the Bank to see "Mirrors". That's Burbank if you want to be official. Ah Burbank. City of Lights. Adventure. Excitement. Chipotle! Before seeing any movie in Burbank, it's important that you hit up the delicacy known as Chipotle. That way even if the movie is a disaster, at least the burrito will be great. And do yourself a favor and get a burrito bowl. That's the way a man would eat it.

After a delicious meal we decided that we still had time to have a beer or two before "Mirrors" started. I had heard nothing but really good things about this movie, (note heavy sarcastic tone), and I knew we might need some alcohol to make the movie that much better. We strolled into a barbecue restaurant and ordered a shot of Jameson and a beer. We debated the merits of "24" and why the last season was awful. We were curious to see if Kiefer was going to have a different persona than the mighty Jack Bauer or if he was going to be channeling his CTU agent into fighting deadly haunted mirrors. We drank our shots and walked back to the theater.

In another stroke of luck, my trustworthy plus one was able to get us passes into the movie. "Mirrors" for free? This night is getting better and better! I had a burrito bowl, chugged some beer and now I get to watch a horror movie for free? "Mirrors" was off to a good start. The good times didn't keep rolling for long.

So the mirrors are haunted. Jack Bauer takes a summer job as a nervous security guard who watches over an entire building filled with evil mirrors. He starts to show signs of insanity and yet this doesn't prevent him from clocking in at his rotten haunted mirror watching job every night. Amy Smart shows up as his concerned sister long enough for us to watch her get topless and die horribly. At least she knew what she was doing in this movie. Soon Bauer will call Chloe and get the schematics of the building downloaded to his PDA because they're running out of time. Dammit!

Oh wait, that was another show. I'm getting confused. I think Keifer was confused too because every time he looked into the mirror, he saw Jack Bauer. Even the way Keifer's character held a gun was exactly the same as Bauer. I would say that Keifer was miscast but then that would imply that this movie should have been cast at all.

It's a good thing I was a little inebriated while watching "Mirrors" because I think I would have walked out on this one. Haunted mirrors is not a good idea for a horror movie. Especially when there's nothing waiting on the other side of the glass except some ambiguous spirits who can pretty much kill you any way they want. "Candyman" showed us that haunted mirrors are a good starting point for a horror flick but shouldn't be used as the basis for the whole movie.

"Mirrors" is the kind of movie that makes up new rules for what the mirrors can or can't do as it goes along. One second Smart tears her jaw open because she stared into the mirror, (mirrors hate that), and the next we see that water is also filled with mirrors and you can drown in your own reflection. Bauer gets on the case and starts to piece together the convoluted mystery behind the mirrors and no one cares. Just break the mirrors already will you? It all ends in crashing glass and bellowing Bauers as you wonder why you sat around for this when you could have been drinking some quality beer.

So plan your next movie night in the Bank with some Chipotle and beer but be sure to skip "Mirrors". There's got to be something better to watch than Bauer battling glass. Dammit!

SCORE: 2 out of 4 reflections of Bauer