"Splatter Beach" review

Splatter Beach (2007)

Directors: John Polonia Mark Polonia
Writer: John Polonia

Erin Brown ... Tess
Erika Smith ... Tonya Smith
Alison Whitney ... Beach Dancer
Brice Kennedy ... Rodney Spinner

“Splatter Beach” warns you up front that you will suffer. A warning scrolls by at the beginning of the movie telling you that no living thing should watch this movie. I ignored their warning and pressed on to see what thrills awaited me at “Splatter Beach”. Then I saw the director’s names and I started to succumb to that feeling of nameless B-movie dread that makes your soul cringe. Yes, I’m talking about the Polonia brothers and their shamelessly cheap moviemaking ways. They’ve crawled up from the depths of the ocean to wreck havoc on my DVD player again.

“Splatter Beach” is about the Polonia brothers trying their hardest to rip off “Humanoids from the Deep” and other sea monster flicks. Erika Smith and two guys end up at a cabin for some rest and relaxation. One guy takes the wise path and has sex with Erika. The other dork decides he wants to get to the bottom of all these local disappearances. He’s certain that there are shambling sea creatures out there that want to eat everyone. Misty Mundae shows up to try to convince the naïve fools that there are monsters roaming about. She doesn’t have any lesbian sex so no one is really interested in her. But with the help of the reporter dork and some random weightlifter on the beach, they just might live through the night.

Well, “Splatter Beach” is obviously a bad movie but I can’t say I hated it. It plays out as cheaply and incompetently as you’d expect but it does have some amusing moments. The weightlifter on the beach had me laughing with his clueless banter with the main dork. Erika Smith does have a brief topless scene and that’s always good to see. In fact, it was so good that I had to hit rewind and watch it a couple of times. It was good each time.

It’s hard to take the hammer to this one although it certainly deserves it. At least the Polonia brothers admitted that “Splatter Beach” could cause hysterical blindness to whoever is doomed to watch it. “Splatter Beach” is only about an hour long so it doesn’t have enough time to really grind your bones into dust. “Splatter Beach” is for the undiscriminating B-movie fan. Come to think of it, is there another kind of B-movie fan? If you’re in dire need of a sea monster fix, rent “Humanoids from the Deep”. If that’s out, try “Deep Rising”. If that’s gone too, “Splatter Beach” might be able to tide you over until a good sea monster flick is available.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 shambling sea creatures
GRRRRR!!!!!