"The Living Dead Girl" review

The Living Dead Girl (1982)

Directed by Jean Rollin
Writing credits Jacques Ralf Jean Rollin

Marina Pierro....Helene
Françoise Blanchard.... Catherine Valmont
Mike Marshall....Greg
Carina Barone.... Barbara Simon

Toxic waste revives a blonde girl from the dead. She becomes "The Living Dead Girl". It also gives her razor sharp fingernails of death. By merely poking someone with her nuclear nails, she can puncture throats with blood gushing efficiency. Unlike other cinematic zombies, she has perfect skin and is naked a lot. If the Living Dead Girl is not naked, she is in her nightgown. Either way, she's the best looking zombie I've seen.

Her childhood friend Helene shows up. They declare their love for each other. Helene can't figure out why her childhood friend is so stand-offish. Then it hits her, her friend wants blood! Helene is a good friend and supplies victims to The Living Dead Girl. Blood, guts and lots of bleeding throats follow.

On the one hand, I appreciated the heavy duty exploitation elements in the movie. Naked woman, blood soaked naked woman, lots of throats gushing blood and other scenes of mayhem. But the Living Dead Girl is so unhappy in her situation that it tends to drag the movie into zombie melodrama land. Not a happy place to be. Once the Living Dead Girl learns to speak again, she won't shut up! Whining and complaining about how she should be dead, she doesn't want to live anymore, blah blah blah. Here you have your best friend getting you all the blood you can chug and all zombie girl can do is bellyache. Fortunately, the blood and guts scenes were evenly spread out with the complaining zombie scenes.

SCORE 2.5 out of 4 zombie girls with fingernails of death

"Dark Universe" review

Dark Universe (1993)

Directed by Steve Latshaw

Writing credits Patrick Moran

Joe Estevez.... Rod Kendrick
Blake Pickett.... Kim Masters
Laurie Sherman.... Judy Lawson (as Cherie Scott)

A spaceship crashes in Florida. Apparently the astronaut on board went through a bad batch of the "Dark Universe" and is now a giant alien slug head. A bunch of people head out into the swamp to check it out. Alien kills some of them. Some other stuff happens.

This was a typically lame B sci-fi movie. The only thing that mildly amused me was near the end:

*SPOILER ON ENDING*

So a woman is hanging out in a grass hut (?) and the alien pops his head in through the wall. We get to watch his alien head squirm around for a good thirty seconds. No other parts of the alien are visible. Just his head. Was he stuck? If he could bash his head in, why couldn't he just worm the rest of his slug body in? I'm guessing he couldn't because there was nothing else to him but his head. The rest of the alien body would have been too expensive to build. While he's stuck, the woman comes up with a plan to kill him using a previously unknown ally prevalent in the swamp environment: Marsh gas. She uses a flare gun to ignite the marsh gas to kill the beast. If marsh gas is flammable, why didn't she go up in flames too? Was it just flammable around the alien's slug head? Was his head dipped in gasoline? Am I thinking about it too much?

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 slug heads

"Witchbabe: Erotic Witch Project 3" review

Witchbabe: Erotic Witch Project 3 (2001)

Directed by Terry West
Writing credits Terry West

Laurie Wallace.... Martha Rudolf
Misty Mundae.... Amy
Darian Caine.... Karen
Debbie Rochon.... Nans
Paige Richards.... The Erotic Witch
Barbara Joyce.... Miss Chaste
Ruby Larocca.... Lucy
Julian Wells

I bought this video for two bucks. You know, with some of the Seduction flicks, you could sometimes mistake their movies for a regular B-flick with extra helpings of sex. "Spiderbabe" is a good example. I can assure you that there's no chance of mistaking "Witchbabe" for what it is. This, my friend, is a softcore lesbian porno. For two bucks, it was a good deal.

"Witchbabe" is about women having softcore sex with each other. Anyone who sees the plot of this movie differently was not paying attention. The mayor's blonde wife gets turned on by the black haired Erotic Witch. And there you have it. There's plenty of lesbian sex to keep the viewer happy and some other dialogue scenes that were filmed so that they could be fast forwarded through. "Witchbabe" is good stuff. If you're into girls on film, you'll like it.

Two final thoughts. First, Debbie Rochon is in this one but she doesn't do much. She's pictured on the back of the video box with a handgun. There is no gun in "Witchbabe". There's barely any Rochon. The good news is that she does take her top off at the end. She then proceeds to kind of dance around with Darian Caine but they don't have sex. The Erotic Witch's horny spell was working pretty well on Caine. Did Rochon drink an anti-sex potion to ward off horny spirits? The spell was broken.

Second, I was quite amused at the Julian Wells sex scene. It seemed to be inserted totally at random. Laurie Wallace sits down on a couch with Wells and tells her that she wants her. We have no idea where Wells's house is or how Wallace got there. All we know is that there are two horny blondes on a couch. After the scene is over, Wells disappears from the movie. Wells really likes to squirm around and make all kinds of sounds when she's happy. Man, that couch looked really comfortable.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 witchy women

"Miners Massacre" review

Miners Massacre (2003)

Directed by John Carl Buechler
Writing credits Antonio Olivas

Karen Black.... Aunt Nelly
John Phillip Law.... Sheriff Murphy
Richard Lynch.... Old Man Prichard
Brad H. Arden.... Forty-Niner
Elina Madison.... Rox Ann

Am I the only one dismayed at the lack of nudity in this otherwise fine film? "Miner's Massacre" has three to five hot babes, depending on your definition of hot. The only one who shows a bit of nudity is Elina Madison. This made me happy because I achieved my objective. I rented "Miner's Massacre" to see Elina Madison in action. Mission accomplished.

So a bunch of teens decide to go to a gold mine. Unfortunately for them, there is a zombie miner there who wants the gold all for himself. The miner is an interesting monster. He has gold lust like the Leprechaun and has the same tailor as the Creeper. He wields his pick axe and takes out anyone that comes between him and his nuggets.

I enjoyed "Miner's Massacre". It was a simple and straight forward slasher flick. Annoying teens show up, they should die for being alive and the miner is happy to accommodate them. Elina had the best death of all. The miner had his eyes on her and launched a heat-seeking shovel toward her neck. Oh yeah. That's the good stuff.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 Elinas in action

"Scream Queen Hot Tub Party" review

Scream Queen Hot Tub Party (1991)

Directed by Fred Olen Ray Jim Wynorski
Writing credits Fred Olen Ray Jim Wynorski

Brinke Stevens.... Herself
Monique Gabrielle.... Herself
Kelli Maroney.... Herself
Michelle Bauer.... Herself
Roxanne Kernohan.... Herself

I bought this DVD as a birthday present for my cousin. We both agreed it was a fine film. Actually, I don't think "film" is the right word to use for this one. "Scream Queen Hot Tub Party" is a completely shameless parade of topless scream queens. It is exploitation at its finest. It's worth every penny. Do you like watching topless women hang out in a hot tub? Of course you do! You need to see this one.

Now, if you're expecting some sort of movie with your breasts, you'll be sorely disappointed. The scream queens head to a house with a hot tub. They peel off their pesky clothes and start talking about the finer points of being a scream queen. Each one gets a turn to yak about scream queeness. Brinke Stevens talks about how to take a B-movie shower and demonstrates it for us as well. Michelle Bauer gets frisky with a chainsaw as she waxes poetic about "Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers". The other girls get a chance to spin some topless stories as well. So if you want breasts, breasts and more breasts, check this one out and rejoice.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 hot tubs

"G-String Vampire" review

G String Vampire (2005)

Directed by Sean Thornton

Chante Bey....Countess Dracula
Barbi Leigh.... Seer

Once again I saw a lesbian vampire movie on the shelf and was powerless to resist. "G-String Vampire". The tagline is "Hot Strippin - Neck Rippin - Bad Girls of the Night!" If there's one thing I like about B-movies, it's the hard sell. They sold me.

"G-String Vampire" is certainly not a good movie. Was there any doubt? The only question is whether or not this flick is worth watching. Well, that depends. How low are your standards? My standards are pretty much in the gutter. But even by my standards, this was pretty pathetic.

Don't even dream that this is a "movie". There's some malarkey on the back of the DVD about a secret society of vampire hunters but it's all a lie. "G-String Vampire" is all about slow motion lesbian sex. Technically there's nothing wrong with that. Unfortunately most of the sex scenes are set in a strip club and it's hard to make out what's going on under bright red strobe lights. The only sex scene worth anything is the one in the bathroom between the hottest accountant I ever saw and the blonde "Seer".

On the plus side, there is a ton of nudity in "G-String Vampire". But this is the kind of softcore flick that makes you wish you had just gone ahead and gotten a proper porno. By the third lame sex scene, I was dreaming of a scene from a Christy Canyon flick. You know the one. The really good one. Yeah. Thinking about it right now. Anything to help take my mind off of "G-String Vampire".

SCORE: LANDFILL

"Hellbound: Hellraiser II" review

Hellbound: Hellraiser II (1988)

Directed by Tony Randel
Writing credits Clive Barker Peter Atkins

Clare Higgins.... Julia Cotton
Ashley Laurence.... Kirsty Cotton
Kenneth Cranham.... Dr. Philip Channard/Channard Cenobite
Imogen Boorman.... Tiffany
Sean Chapman.... Frank Cotton

Kirsty is in the nuthouse. No one believes her tale of puzzle boxes and Cenobites. She finds a sympathetic ear from her doctor. He believes her and can't wait to take the fast train to Hell. He gets the puzzle box open, Cenobites arrive and Kirsty spends the second half of the movie wandering through Hell with mad doctors, evil demon stepmothers and other malicious creatures.

You don't have to believe in Hell to enjoy this movie, but it would help. This is the nastiest, goriest, meanest entry in the "Hellraiser" series. Depravity abounds. This one was my favorite. I love seeing movies try to imagine what Hell is really like. Having a belief in the afterlife would definitely make the flick scarier. If you don't believe in Hell at all, I can see how most of the movie would look a little silly. The Hell effects are not that great. They worked well on me though.

One enduring mystery of the "Hellraiser" series is why these morons keep solving the puzzle box. They keep saying they want to know, they have to know... Hasn't all their research of the box told them of the tremendous suffering they're going to have to go through? I guess I just don't understand the whole S&M thing. Being a demon from Hell can't be that great. Besides, if there is a Hell, why go there early? All good/bad things to those who wait. Cenobites were just impatient, Hell-hungry freaks.

SCORE: 4 out of 4 Hell-hungry freaks

"Eternal Blood" review

Eternal Blood (2002)

Directed by Jorge Olguín

Writing credits Carolina García Jorge Olguín

Juan Pablo Ogalde.... M
Blanca Lewin.... Carmila
Patricia López.... Elizabeth

I waited 100 minutes for this movie to start and it never did. There should be a flashing warning sign on the front of the video box: WARNING: THIS IS NOT A HORROR MOVIE! Since there isn't I'll warn you now: THIS IS NOT A HORROR MOVIE! Oh sure, there are two bad beasties on the cover looking all blood thirsty. And yes, there is a girl with two long fingers of death giving you the evil eye. It's all a mirage. She's actually giving you her middle finger. It's all smoke and mirrors. "Eternal Blood" is a fraudulent, cold blooded LIE. This movie is not a movie. It is 100 minutes of nothing. If it wasn't a rental, I would have bashed it into little bitty pieces and thrown it out my car window.

The worst part is that this movie had potential. There were some interesting scenes at the beginning which seemed to be building up to something. The Goth kids are playing their vampire role-playing game and priests are wielding shotguns. Anything that was remotely interesting in this movie was all in someone's imagination. The imagination of drug taking Goth losers. I deliberately avoided renting a similar straight to video movie called "Vampire Clan" because I knew the "twist" to the story. I thought this movie was going to dip over into the horror genre. Nope. It's a total lie. Waste of time, energy and space.

Screw this movie and all it stands for.

SCORE: LANDFILL

"Exterminator City" review

Exterminator City (2005)

Directed by Clive Cohen
Writing credits Clive Cohen

Julie Strain
Brinke Stevens
Cathy Barry
Amy Lynn Best
Zenova Braeden
Lana Cox
Syn DeVil
Fembomb
Sara Jay
Jill Kelly

"Exterminator City" must be a joke. I can't believe anybody would make this and think it should be taken even remotely seriously. There are two separate movies going on here. The real "Exterminator City" is a robot puppet show. A robot has gone insane and has to kill all of the large breasted women he can find. This leads to the second "Exterminator City" movie. There are many scenes of topless women lounging around their apartment and then getting killed by the robot. Here's the joke: The two movies never meet! The topless chicks never see a robot puppet and the puppets don't see the ladies! Well, the ladies pretend to see a deranged robot attacking them but they never do. It all leads to a lot of unconvincing screaming and bad acting as they giggle and smile their way through their death scenes.

If there's one thing you can say about "Exterminator City", it's that it's consistent. Every couple of scenes repeat themselves in an endless loop of robots talking, topless woman hanging out, insane robot enters room and then kills woman. "Exterminator City" feels like it was made to show off the puppets and the naked women scenes were tacked on later. You have to give the movie some credit for dragging all of these women into their puppet show. Julie Strain shows up as does Brinke Stevens. Strain goes topless but Stevens does not. I can't believe the robot would even bother killing a clothed woman. That's out of character for him. The last robot victim is a huge breasted mistress with a whip. I didn't catch her name but she was probably the right sized lady to end this flick.

"Exterminator City" is a uniquely terrible movie. It's cheap and ridiculous but it holds fast to its conviction that puppets and topless women go well together. After the fifth or sixth naked woman got killed, I found myself drifting in and out of this movie. However, it may be worth checking out just to see how many naked women they can stuff into one crazed robot movie.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 horny killer robots

"The Key to Sex" review

The Key to Sex (1998)

Directed by John Quinn
Writing credits Christopher Byrne

Maria Ford.... Christy
Jeannie Millar.... Carrie
Christian Malmin.... Michael
Monique Parent.... Tina
Eric Acsell.... Matt
Jacqueline Lovell.... Ring

A guy gets the key to his boss's house. It's "The Key to Sex". He's told not to let anyone else know where the key is. The key opens the front door to a huge Malibu monstrosity that drives any woman who steps inside mad with desire. I know I've seen this house in other skin flicks. Was it in "Model Lust"? Not sure. One thing is for sure, the key to sex is to bring the hot women to Malibu and party down in this theme park masquerading as a house.

"The Key to Sex" is a fine, fine skin flick. I was very pleased. Many hot women show up in this one. You've got Monique Parent, Jacqueline Lovell, Jeannie Millar and Maria Ford. Monique Parent is the horny distributor who wants to get cozy with some of the film execs. She has two sex scenes, one in the Malibu fun house and another in an office. She also has a long scene where she's dressed as a French maid and plays around with a guy. The French maid thing doesn't work for me but the sex scenes were all right. Lovell shows up as a stripper. She has a couple of scenes where she expounds on how to strip and a couple of other scenes where she has sex after stripping. All of the Lovell scenes were good. Millar is the large breasted secretary who only has one sex scene. I know, I know. I'm just as sad as you.

But the real selling point with this one is Maria Ford. She has three sex scenes and they're all great! I've only seen Ford in normal, run of the mill B-movies. This was the first time I've seen her in a sex flick. My God man. She is hot, hot, hot! Her scene by the pool with her female friend was awesome. She has a tongue like Gene Simmons. That thing can move. Overall, "The Key to Sex" gives you what you want. It's worth a look. If you're a Maria Ford fan, it's worth a couple of looks.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 because Maria Ford is the key

"The Hunted" review

The Hunted (2003)

Directed by William Friedkin
Writing credits David Griffiths

Tommy Lee Jones.... L.T. Bonham
Benicio Del Toro.... Aaron Hallam
Connie Nielsen.... Abby Durrell

This is a macho manly movie. I could feel the testosterone shooting straight into my brain. After seeing this I wanted to run naked into the woods and set booby traps for my hated prey. Life is for hunting and killing. Come closer said the spider to the fly...

So Tommy Lee Jones hunts Benicio Del Toro. That's the movie. If you have a love for watching one man hunt another man, you should run out right now, put on your army camouflage shirt and see this movie. Jones takes his work seriously. Whether it's tracking or using a knife, he's a man of few words. Jones displays his tracking skills through most of the movie. A broken branch here, a footprint there is all he needs to track you through anything.

The art of fighting and killing with a knife is also shown in loving fashion. When they went over the six cuts to make on the human body, I almost orgasmed with the movie. The knife fight at the end by the raging waterfall took it over the top. I was drooling on myself. Yes! YES!! More knife fights! More tracking! Which artery do I cut for the most bleeding satisfaction?! MORE!!

SCORE: 3 out of 4 for orgasmic love of knives, tracking and waterfalls

"Man-Thing" review

Man-Thing (2005)

Directed by Brett Leonard

Writing credits Hans Rodionoff

Matthew Le Nevez.... Sheriff Kyle Williams
Rachael Taylor.... Teri Elizabeth Richards
Jack Thompson.... Frederic Schist

Even though I'm a big comic book fan, I never had the urge to read any "Man-Thing" comics. I was more into DC's "Swamp Thing". So I didn't know much about the Man-Thing before seeing this movie. The only thing I remember about him was his tag line: "Fear burns at the Man-Thing's touch." I found it a little odd that I didn't see any fear burning in this movie. In fact, I don't know why they even bothered using the name Man-Thing at all. "Man-Thing" is as generic as it gets. If you're looking for a run of the mill, avenging swamp monster movie, here's another one to throw onto the pile.

There's a new sheriff in town. He's here to clean up the swamp. There are evil corporate types drilling holes in the muck. This upsets the Man-Thing. Body after body disappears while the sheriff runs around looking confused. Could there be a swamp guardian doing all the killing or is it just the crazy Indian who lives in the swamp? Hmmmm…Tree branches coming out of people's mouths, bodies being ripped apart…I'd vote for the swamp monster.

"Man-Thing" is not a bad B-flick. It's got some blood, some guts, a swamp monster and a naked breast scene in the first ten minutes. So it's got a few good things going for it. But it's nothing to get too terribly excited about. They hold off on showing the Man-Thing until the last twenty minutes. The rest of the movie has the cast wondering and wandering around the swamp looking for some answers. If you'll watch anything that has a monster in a swamp, "Man-Thing" will serve you well. As for me, I still don't get the Man-Thing's appeal. There's got to be more to him than just shoving tree roots down people's throats. Or maybe there isn't and that's his appeal.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 angry Man-Things

"Nightwatch" review

Nightwatch (2004)

Directed by Timur Bekmambetov
Writing credits Laeta Kalogridis

Konstantin Khabensky.... Anton Gorodetsky
Vladimir Menshov.... Gesser
Valeri Zolotukhin.... Vampire, Kostya's father
Mariya Poroshina.... Svetlana
Galina Tyunina.... Olga, sorceress (owl)

I caught “Nightwatch” at the Nuart theater in Santa Monica. I’ve been meaning to check out the theater and a Russian sci-fi vampire flick sounded like just the right movie. The Nuart is a cool little theater by the 405. I had to park a couple of blocks away as I couldn’t find any parking to save my life. If you want to see a movie there, you’re going to have to work for it.

If you read anything about “Nightwatch”, (like this review), one of the first things that’ll be shoved down your throat is that it’s the most profitable Russian movie ever made. Not only that, but it made more money in Russia than the Lord of the Rings movies! Wow! Millions of Russians paid to see this movie! They chose this over another Hollywood blockbuster! Shocking!

Actually, it isn’t. This is what is known as a hustle. Oh, I believe that it’s the most profitable movie ever made in Russia. But did anyone stop to think that maybe the reason they paid to see this was because they were so proud that it was a Russian made, Hollywood-type movie and not because it was actually as cool as you think? Hey, if I was Russian, I’d be proud too that somebody from my country could make a decent sci-fi flick. It would almost be a patriotic move just to go out and support it.

But I’m not Russian. I’m just a guy looking for another good movie to watch. “Nightwatch” has some undeniably cool moments but it’s not as bad-ass as it wants you to believe, (“Millions of Russians loved it! You will too!”). Yeah whatever.

“Nightwatch” is about the Others. The Others are among us. They are supernatural beings, (shape-shifters, sorcerers, vampires), who are either the Dark or the Light. They can be on the Nightwatch, (Good Others watching Bad) or Daywatch, (Bad Others watching Good).

There’s enough mythology here to stuff into three movies. I could go on and on, (like the movie does), about all of the various rules and legends that saturate this world. Basically the movie concentrates on one guy who’s on the Nightwatch. He wants to protect a kid who is being called over by the Daywatch. This leads to the coolest scene in the movie when the two Light and Dark vampires have a fight in a warehouse. This scene was great and filled me with high hopes for the rest of the movie.

Unfortunately, “Nightwatch” let me down. That one fight scene is the last one until the very end. The rest of the movie spins off into various subplots that all wind their way back to a cursed virgin girl, a shape-shifting owl babe, a Dark pop star, and so much more Light/Dark gobbledygook that your head will spin.

“Nightwatch” has some interesting moments but not enough for me to go crazy for it. It needed a little more action to move the story along. One or two more fight scenes would have saved it for me. If I heard one more guy spout off about prophecy/doomsday/ the apocalypse, I was going to leave the theater. But if you’re looking for a sci-fi flick that’s just a little different, you might get into it.

Hey, millions of Russians loved it. Did you know that? How can you argue with that logic? You know what they say in the Russian film industry? Rubles rule baby!

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 for various cool scenes like a bloody Nightwatch guy with an owl. You wouldn't see that kind of action in a Hollywood movie now would you?

"Escape from L.A." review

Escape from L.A. (1996)

Directed by John Carpenter
Writing credits John Carpenter

Kurt Russell.... Snake Plissken
A.J. Langer.... Utopia
Steve Buscemi.... Map to the Stars Eddie

Snaaaaake Plissken. You'll wish you were dead. Once again, Plissken gets his arm twisted by the government to do some dirty work. Instead of escaping from New York, this time he has to escape from LA. It's completely different! Snake gets thrown into LA and goes through the escaping motions in this terrible remake of the great "Escape from New York".

First, let me say something positive. Two words: Snake Plissken. Kurt Russell is the only good thing about this movie. He's up for it. Russell still looks cool in his all black leather outfit.

Unfortunately, the rest of "Escape from LA" is a goose egg. The overriding problem is that this movie is so deliberately campy that it turns Plissken, (one of the coolest of all movie heroes), into a toothless cartoon character.

There's one scene in the middle that knocks you over the head with its deliberate terribleness: Plissken surfs a giant wave through the city and lands in a guy's car. Egad. Awful. Everything copied from "Escape from New York" was watered down to flat beer level. Instead of a fight with spiked baseball bats, we get a basketball game. My God, this movie was a disaster.

Carpenter has given us so much joy over the years but this was terrible. Plissken was ready for a serious action movie but he had to settle for a campy remake. This was the nail in the coffin, head and heart of the franchise.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 surfing Snakes

"Femme Fatale" review

Femme Fatale (2002)

Directed by Brian De Palma
Writing credits Brian De Palma

Rebecca Romijn.... Laure Ash/Lily (as Rebecca Romijn-Stamos)
Antonio Banderas.... Nicolas Bardo
Peter Coyote.... Bruce Watts

I was in a hotel room the other day when I decided to see what was on cable. I love hotel rooms. There is nothing else to do but plop yourself down and relax. I decided that whatever movie was on next, I was going to watch. The next flick was "Femme Fatale". I stretched myself out on the bed and turned it on.

Brian De Palma and I have two things in common: 1) We both like seeing women in Jack Boots. One mysterious woman wears an army outfit with camouflage Jack Boots, (boots that go all the way up and over the knee). She had on ultra short shorts and army dominatrix boots. It was sweet. She was sweet. Sweeeet. The second thing we have in common is a desire to watch beautiful women make out in bathrooms. In the first fifteen minutes, Rebecca Romijn has got a half naked woman pinned against a stall door. YEEAAAHH!! That's how you start a movie.

The rest of "Femme Fatale" is a mixed bag. Rebecca Romijn is a pleasant sight when she's making use of her assets, namely her long, long, and I mean loooong legs. Any scene with her acting scared, confused or sad was eating away at valuable sex bomb time. Rebecca is on the run and dodging her past. Will her past come back to haunt her? Kill her? Confuse her? Does she have a past? Who is she? What the heck is going on here?

"Femme Fatale" is not all that it seems. Even if you think you've got it all figured out, the movie will throw you a hard curve ball near the end. Whether or not you enjoy this movie will depend entirely on how much you enjoy being screwed with. If I saw this movie in a theater, I would have felt cheated. But since I was vegetating in a hotel room, "Femme Fatale" was all right by me. If nothing else, I got to see two mega babes making out in a Paris bathroom. You don't see that every day. I slept very well that night.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 for hot bathroom action

"Valentine" review

Valentine (2001)

Directed by Jamie Blanks

Writing credits Donna Powers

Denise Richards.... Paige Prescott
David Boreanaz.... Adam Carr
Marley Shelton.... Kate Davies

This movie starts out with a huge lapse in logic and continues it's freefall. Someone tell me why Denise Richards and Marley Shelton, (two super babes), need to use an express dating service? Has the world gone mad?! After this, I couldn't trust any of the movie's logic.

So the only thing new under the sun is the killer wears a cherub mask. I was intrigued. But I am disturbed by the new generation of slasher flicks insistence on no female nudity. Where are the topless women? Is it too much to ask for some naked sprinkles on my slasher sundae? If I didn't know any better, I'd say they were making slasher flicks for women now, (see "Scream" "I Know what you.." etc.). You have Denise Richards in a hot tub and no naked breasts? Come on man! Show some mercy. And the kills were weak. The blood was nonexistent.

It's well made but well made what? "Valentine" droops along until it finally has a heart attack and ends. Pretty faces are not enough for a good slasher flick. Weak.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 for waste of babes

"Tamara" review

Tamara (2005)

Directed by Jeremy Haft

Writing credits Jeffrey Reddick

Matthew Marsden.... Mr. Bill Natolly
Chad Faust.... Jesse
Gil Hacohen.... Patrick
Claudette Mink.... Sheila
Jenna Dewan.... Tamara Riley

So I saw an ad in the paper for a movie about a shy girl who comes back from the dead as a hot babe to wreck havoc on some teens. The tagline was “Revenge has a killer body”. Clearly this was a film I needed to see. The only theater in L.A. showing “Tamara” was at the Beverly Center. Take me to Beverly Hills! As I was cruising down Beverly Blvd, I noticed a giant movie poster for “Ultraviolet” starring Milla Jovovich that has her wielding a sword with her midriff exposed. Hot chicks kicking a lot of ass tend to be a constant in Hollywood. Thank God for that.

I plunk down $9.50 for my ticket and start wondering if this flick is going to be worth it. I know in my heart “Tamara” has video rental written all over it but I decide to give it a shot. As I head to the food court, a woman comes up to me and says, “You want to go to a free screening?” I shuffle past her, mumbling no, when I glance at the tickets. Can you guess what movie she was giving away tickets for? That’s right. “Tamara”! She had a huge stack of them. I even saw her give some away to two dudes after me. Now my blood is boiling. I paid $9.50 while some slackers get to waltz in for free. Grrrrr….

So I roll into the theater. It’s playing in theater two, which is up a couple of flights of stairs. It was as quiet as a tomb up there. I opened the door and there were the two dudes kicking back with their free tickets. Grrrrr…. This movie better be good.

Carrie, I mean Tamara, is a shy girl who is tormented by some of her high school classmates. She wrote an article on steroid use and this upsets some of the steroid users. They decide to have their revenge. One thing leads to another and Tamara winds up dead. Luckily for Tamara, her dabbling in witchcraft will help her rise from the grave. She lands back in high school as a super hot babe and goes to work on taking care of the creeps.

First of all, “Tamara” is not nearly sleazy enough. The tagline clearly states, “Revenge has a killer body”. So where’s the body? I don’t need living dead girl Tamara teasing me with her super short skirts. Stick her back in the grave! She needs more time to cook! Yes, it is with a heavy heart that I must tell you that Tamara does not get naked. In fact, there is no nudity in this movie at all. Shameful I know. A zombie girl who wants her teacher to have sex with her should show some skin. That should be pretty obvious.

So Tamara goes to work on inflicting a lackluster revenge on her classmates. The school nerd's death was the only one that was gruesome. His mutilation had me squirming. Other than that, it was all kind of ho hum. Oh, and then Tamara decides to really stick it to the two jocks by making them have sex with each other. Mmmm…OK. When this scene hit, I knew the filmmakers had no clue who their audience was. “Tamara” limps its way to a hospital finale and then finally limps away.

On the plus side, Tamara moves along and didn’t cause me too much distress. Jenna Dewan makes a fine zombie girl and I enjoyed watching her strut around school. Other than that, it was pretty much a standard B-movie with few surprises. Is it worth a rental? Possibly. Is it worth $9.50 at the Beverly Center? No. Hell no.

One last thing, as I was leaving the theater, I noticed a bunch of people with “Tamara” posters. One guy was talking up some people, “Yeah, It’s called “Tamara”. It’s a horror movie. The poster is there in the lobby.” Then he gave them a free poster. I looked closer at him. He was an actor in the movie! Now that’s hardcore guerilla marketing. They’ve got one of Tamara’s tormentors in the Beverly Center plugging the film. WOW. They should have gone all the way and had Tamara there giving away tickets in her skin tight red dress telling people to go see her movie…or else!! Or else what? Or else you’ll have to pay for a video rental! MOO-HA-HA!

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 zombie babes

"Sexual Intrigue" review

Sexual Intrigue (2000)

Directed by J. Edie Martin

Writing credits J. Edie Martin

Kim Dawson.... Emma De Layle
Eric Acsell.... Charlie Taylor
Kira Reed.... Randi Davis


Kira Reed needs to get her boyfriend a job. She hooks him up with Kim Dawson. This can only lead to sexual intrigue. The boyfriend is hired by Dawson to pull off a kidnapping so that they can split the ransom. He's also good to have around for sex. In fact, the boyfriend gets sexually intrigued by most of the females in the movie. They're very intriguing. You can't blame him.

"Sexual Intrigue" is a fine skin flick. You just need to ignore the kidnapping angle and concentrate on the sex scenes. That won't be too hard to do with Kira Reed and Kim Dawson having most of the sex. Reed has three sex scenes. The best one has her having sex in the hot tub with her boyfriend. Kim Dawson also has three sex scenes and they're all good. Kim Dawson is always a sight for sore eyes in these movies. You need to have the horny, older woman around to seduce the young, dumb guys. But with Dawson, it doesn't take much seducing effort to get the party started. Both of these women are very sexually intriguing. They make "Sexual Intrigue" worth a look.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 intriguing Reeds

"Sleepwalkers" review

Sleepwalkers (1992)

Directed by Mick Garris

Writing credits Stephen King

Brian Krause .... Charles Brady
Mädchen Amick .... Tanya Robertson
Alice Krige .... Mary Brady

Stephen King must have been petting his cat one day while listening to "Sleepwalk" by Santo and Johnny when he was struck with inspiration. "Cats, cats, cats. I love cats. I love this song. How can I get these two loves in one movie?" Thus "Sleepwalkers" was born.

Two freaky monsters move to a small town so that they can suck the life out of a virgin girl. They both despise cats and love each other. Yes. Mom and son getting it on like all monsters should. The son finds the last supermodel virgin on Earth. The romance is brief as life sucking takes precedence over anything sexual. Besides, he's got a hot mom aching at home. There is much blood and mayhem as super virgin tries to fight off the freaks with the help of an army of angry cats. Go Clovis!

I enjoyed this simple little movie. Monsters find virgin, virgin fights back and the cats go wild. There was plenty of blood and guts to keep a smile on your face. Speaking of smiling, Madchen Amick is at her hot babe peak in this one. She has one move that lets you know she's a shy, sweet girl: She bites her bottom lip and then slides her teeth slowly off. This move happens at least a dozen times. I could have watched it a dozen more. Mmmmmm...Virgin teasing. The monster was hooked at that point. So was I.

One last thought, what decade is this movie supposed to be set in? The main monster loves "Sleepwalk" and Madchen Amick is shaking her groove thing to "Do you love me?". In other scenes there will be loud modern rock blasting away. King obviously loves his 50's rock and roll but I had a hard time imagining a 90's girl doing the Twist and the Mashed Potato.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 lip-biting Amicks

And another hot picture of supermodel virgin Amick.

"Nothing but Trouble" review

Nothing But Trouble (1991)

Directed by Dan Aykroyd
Writing credits Peter Aykroyd Dan Aykroyd

Chevy Chase .... Chris Thorne
Dan Aykroyd .... Judge Alvin 'J.P' Valkenheiser & Bobo
John Candy .... Dennis & Eldona
Demi Moore .... Diane Lightson

"Nothing but Trouble" holds a special place on my all-time, worst movies ever list of shame. It's easily one of the top 10 worst movies. But it also holds the distinction of being one of the very few movies I've ever walked out on. Yes. It is with great shame that I must confess that I saw this garbage in the movie theater. When I saw Demi Moore being held captive by two disgusting blobs, I knew I had hit the nadir. One blob screamed, "I want...another bowl of cereal!" I wanted to leave with my stomach intact. I bolted for the exits. My family was with me and had to leave too since I had the car keys. I have no idea how this movie ends and I want to keep it that way. Stick this movie in a time capsule and never dig it up. Better yet, burn the negatives to keep some poor, cold family warm. Do something useful with this junk because to watch this movie is to hate this movie. The fact that so many talented comedians were in this flotsam makes it sting even harder. I don't know how this train wreck could be allowed to happen. I just know that no human being should have to sit through it.

SCORE: LANDFILL

"Sexual Predator" review

Sexual Predator (2001)

Directed by Robert Angelo Rob Spera
Writing credits Ed Silverstein

Richard Grieco .... Gale
Angie Everhart .... Beth Spinella

I saw this on Cinemax the other day. I have recently become a devoted follower of late night Cinemax. I can't believe I've been ignorant of its wild ways for this long. Not only does Cinemax show a softcore flick every night, there usually is some violent movie to finish the evening off as well. What I'm saying is, late night Cinemax is a gold mine of sex and violence.

Speaking of sex and violence, "Sexual Predator" was pretty good. Angie Everhart is Richard Grieco's horny parole officer. Grieco strangled Everhart's friend during some rough sex. Everhart wants to keep an eye on him to make sure he doesn't do it again. Grieco decides to give her a guided tour of the sexual underground. Everhart is a quick study.

Everhart gets into her sex scenes and shows us all the goods. Murder, betrayal and some more naked Angie scenes make up the rest of the movie. It's a decent softcore thriller. It's worth a look. If you're a fan of Angie Everhart, you need to see this movie immediately.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 Everharts

"Love Object" review

Love Object (2003)

Directed by Robert Parigi
Writing credits Robert Parigi

Desmond Harrington.... Kenneth Winslow
Melissa Sagemiller.... Lisa Bellmer
Udo Kier.... Radley

Why can't they write instruction manuals for relationships? This is the dilemma poor Kenneth, (Desmond Harrington), is in. Kenneth has a hard time connecting with people. His boss wants a three volume instruction manual cranked out ASAP. He gives a hot blonde, (Melissa Sagemiller), to Kenneth to help him work faster. Soon Kenneth is dreaming about what to do to his blonde co-worker with the help of a plastic Love Object he buys over the internet. "Nikki", the fake blonde, teaches Kenneth how to treat a woman right. But she is a jealous Love Object. Kenneth gets torn between his fake and real blonde. "Nikki" does not like to be pushed aside...

Kenneth says that everything is easy if you just read the instructions. It's too bad for him that no one wrote an instruction manual on how to be Kenneth. "Love Object" shows how easily blondes can make you insane. Kenneth slips away from reality as his Love Object starts to dominate his mind. But perhaps having a fake blonde is the best kind to have. Oh Nikki. They may call you fake but you're real to Kenneth.

"Love Object" was great. At last! Someone made a horror movie for me! Obsession, depravity, and blondes, blondes, blondes! All horror freaks should see this movie. You may notice a bit of yourself in Kenneth and his twisted ways. Hopefully you won't see too much. As for me, I found it so refreshing to see a horror flick go all the way. "Love Object" is the real deal.

One last thing, I was very distracted by the use of an obvious body double for Sagemiller. There are many scenes where her breast is exposed so that we can see her tattoo. You never see her face and her naked breast in the same scene. How can Sagemiller be my Love Object if I am denied the pleasure of voyeuristically leering over her naked flesh? Hmmmm...Come to think of it, maybe it's healthier if I don't see all the Sagemiller I can. Oh well. She does have a pretty smile though. Very pretty. Mmmmm...

SCORE: 3.5 out of 4 quality time with love objects

"XXX: State of the Union" review

xXx: State of the Union (2005)

Directed by Lee Tamahori
Writing credits Simon Kinberg

Ice Cube.... XXX/Darius Stone
Samuel L. Jackson.... Agent Augustus Gibbons
Willem Dafoe.... Gen. George Octavius Deckert
Scott Speedman.... Agent Kyle Steele
Peter Strauss.... President James Sanford
Xzibit.... Zeke
Sunny Mabrey.... Charlie
Nona Gaye.... Lola Jackson

So Ice Cube has to save the world. He's recruited by Samuel Jackson to take on the bad guys. Ice Cube blows up things real good. My hands down favorite part is when he flies onto the bridge with his speedboat and takes out all of the cops and then strides manfully to his waiting car. My God, this scene was genius. There are various other scenes of action insanity which makes "XXX: State of the Union" worth checking out.

All of the women in this movie had large breasts. No nudity but a lot of heaving cleavage. This movie is the very definition of "eye candy". Whether its things blowing up or hot women strutting their stuff, "XXX 2" delivers the goods.

Of course it's all ridiculous but who cares? I don't. I loved it. I'd watch it again right now. Was it a parody of loud stupid action flicks or was it in fact a loud stupid action flick? There's no doubt about it. "XXX: State of the Union" is a loud stupid action flick and proud of it. Roll with it and you'll like it. Try to fight its stupid ways and you'll be in pain.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 for lots and lots of eye candy