Dr. Gore's Movie Reviews

"Fantom kiler 4" review

2012-01-15T19:09:00.000-08:00

Fantom kiler 4

Director: Roman Nowicki

Dionne ... Officer Stella Green
Maria Vaslova ... Barbara Rynkowska
Pavla Nicole ... First Hooker
Conrad Bismark ... Fantom Kiler

A killer is stalking naked women. If they're not naked when he meets them, they soon will be. The Fantom Kiler is on the loose and he is performing acts of depravity on any unwilling woman he can find. A hot babe inspector is on the case. Her detective and English language skills will be pushed to the breaking point. Women are dying horribly all around her and yet she just can't change her facial expression from one of complete indifference. Who can stop the Fantom Kiler from defiling these poor women? Does anyone want him to?

Two words: Vaginal insertion. These two words perfectly capture what "Fantom Kiler 4" is all about. You could also add anal insertion, humiliation, paddling and hilarious bad English dubbing to its list of attributes. I saw the original "Fantom Kiler" and just had to know what that maniac in the big hat was up to. He's grown up from sleazy exploitation violence to scenes of hardcore nastiness.

"Fantom Kiler 4" makes the big leap into scenes of hardcore horror. Well, I guess it wasn't a big leap. More like a small step into the pit of hardcore despair. The vagina gets a lot of closeups in this movie and there is usually something be shoved into it. The first scene has a naked woman standing on the side of a road waiting for a trick to pull up. Before this scene is over, she'll have a rapists penis in one hand and a corn cob being jammed into her vagina. The movie is not subtle.

It's also not really a movie. "Fantom Kiler 4" is a collection of various deranged scenarios that have women being used and abused. There are scenes of women being used as a mop, (anal handle insertion), as a paintbrush, (paint smeared breasts were made for covering walls), and as an excuse to paddle them raw, (a full two minutes of paddling). If any of these scenarios excite you in strange and weird ways, you'll find something to enjoy in this unrepentant sleazefest.

"Fantom Kiler 4" drops all the foreplay and gets down to the hardcore horror fans of this series want to see. It is goofy and ridiculous and filled with scenes of nasty exploitation. I laughed my way through most of the movie as the hot inspector and her monotone delivery was B-movie gold.

Speaking of exploitation gold, there was one scene where a nympho police woman got her hands on the rapists severed penis and decided to use it one last time before booking it into evidence. This scene was pretty good as she used the appendage with gleeful abandon. But then the Fantom Kiler had to be a buzz kill and stopped her good times. Why did he have to ruin a perfectly good raging nympho? I guess we'll never understand the evil that lurks in the heart of the Fantom Kiler. We'll also never truly understand the appeal of these movies so it's best just to enjoy them for the nasty pieces of work that they are. The blood, the breasts, the paddling, it's all here.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 sleazy killers

"A Serbian Film" review

2011-12-18T23:07:00.000-08:00

A Serbian Film (2010)

Director: Srdjan Spasojevic
Writers: Aleksandar Radivojevic Srdjan Spasojevic

Srdjan Todorovic ... Milos (as Srdan Todorovic)
Sergej Trifunovic ... Vukmir
Jelena Gavrilovic ... Marija
Slobodan Bestic ... Marko
Katarina Zutic ... Lejla

Milos has gotten out of the porn game. He's banged so many Serbian chicks his genitalia is in the Serbian sleaze hall of fame. But Milos doesn't have many other talents besides enthusiastic rutting so the porn world cries out for his return. His new sponsor is a big fan of Milos fornicating skills so he recruits him into making some high end porn for private collectors. What else can a horny Serbian do but say yes? The director wants the movie to be spontaneous in order to capture how Milos reacts to various warped and kinky situations. His first movie starts off in an abandoned orphanage and the kink kicks in from there. As the extent of his extreme exploitation and degradation reveals itself to Milos, he descends into Serbian porn madness.

"A Serbian Film" is designed to outrage. It is filled with scenes of sexual violence as only Serbia can deliver. Actually I'm not sure what being Serbian has to do with this movie other than it being a clever marketing gimmick. It may be trying to say that the country has gotten so depressed that it has to resort to extreme measures to make ends meet. But I seriously doubt the filmmakers care about the conditions in Serbia as far as their exploitation movie is concerned. It's more like a calling card for the director so the filmmaking world knows where to find him.

And it's a good calling card because "A Serbian Film" is an excellent exploitation movie. I was pleasantly surprised by the filmmaking quality of this nasty flick. Milos should know better than to agree to some weirdos porn fetish demands but the director knows what his customers want to see. So do the filmmakers as "A Serbian Film" shows how easily horror movies can have mass appeal across different countries.

Well, actually "A Serbian Film" will only appeal to horror fans and even then it would only be of interest to those who enjoy the more extreme type of horror. Milos starts down the path of destruction with some light S&M but eventually moves on to more bizarre forms of porn. Incest, snuff, rape and every other underground genre of porn is shown as Milos mind warps beyond repair.

"A Serbian Film" is a wild ride into the depths of porno hell. I had a lot of fun watching Milos bang his way to oblivion. While this movie won't appeal to everyone, it's definitely worth a look for horror fans looking for a new nasty thrill.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 Serbian sleazes

"The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence)" review

2011-12-11T23:02:00.000-08:00

The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence) (2011)

Director: Tom Six
Writer: Tom Six

Laurence R. Harvey ... Martin
Ashlynn Yennie ... Miss Yennie
Maddi Black ... Candy
Kandace Caine... Karrie
Dominic Borrelli ... Paul

So I bought an Iphone4s this weekend. I didn't want to give up the Blackberry but I decided to take the plunge. Good Lord this device now controls me. I downloaded "Angry Birds" and "Plants vs Zombies" and spent most of the day enjoying the best four dollars I ever spent. It also has a woman's voice, (Siri), that tries to answer your questions. So you tell the phone, (Siri), "Find prostitutes", and it will show you an escort near you. Or ask "Find marijuana" and it will show you the closest cannabis clinic, (if you live in California). You can also ask it for the whereabouts of God and the meaning of life. Not to say that the Iphone knows everything but at least it's trying harder than your average phone. If your phone is not talking back to you, you're living in the Dark Ages.

Speaking of ignorant violence and decadence, I saw "The Human Centipede 2" the other day. I saw it back to back with "A Serbian Film". A sleaze movie double header to jump start my brain and punish my soul for its sins. Sloth is one of the seven deadly ones and I am guilty. But I hope to make amends by subjecting myself to some harsh cinema.

Martin is an obsessed horror fan. His particular obsession revolves around the first "Human Centipede" movie. He wishes to carry on the mad doctor's experiment in the real world. An experiment that will fully harness the power of the centipede by connecting many poor souls together to form a love train. But instead of holding hands, these people will be joined by giving each other a permanent rim job. So Martin rents a warehouse and proceeds to drag in various people in a quest to stitch them together. Everybody needs a hobby.

"Human Centipede 2" perfectly demonstrates the phrase "You get what you pay for". I paid to see a Human Centipede and I got a Human Centipede. I really can't fault the movie for delivering what it promised. But why? Why do I want to see people get their mouths sewn to someone's hole? What perverse beast lies in us that enjoys this wanton violence? Best not to think too much on this subject and just enjoy the waves of nauseating violence.

And be assured, nauseating it is. Although the true horror in "Human Centipede 2" was watching mammoth Martin trudge around in his underwear. That repulsed me more than the walking centipede of human toilets. Not much more but it was pretty scary.

The first "Human Centipede" was a pretty creepy movie that had fun with its perverse subject. "Human Centipede 2" is a punch to the gut splatter flick that cuts to the chase and gives you the gore you're looking for. So if you feel like the three-part centipede from the first movie just wasn't long enough for you, "Human Centipede 2" increases the body count to give you all of the bloody surgery and fecal splatter you could desire.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 human centipedes

Ode to a blog

2011-12-03T20:00:00.000-08:00

Hello again my blog. I've neglected you and I have no excuse for it. Actually I do but I won't bore you with the details. Suffice to say, there was turmoil and drama, tears and regrets. And then there was Thanksgiving. I've been off doing other things but I'm back now to show you the proper respect you deserve.

It wasn't until I noticed a little movie called "The Human Centipede 2" had come out that I realized how long I've been away from you. This was a film that deserves a response. I'm going to watch it tonight along with "A Serbian Film". A double feature to shock my dormant brain back from it's drunken stupor. Maybe end with a Julie Smith skin flick to ease over the rough edges.

Yes my blog, there will be blood tonight. And I'll tell you all about it. Until then, cheers.

SCORE: 4 out of 4 lost weekends

"Lust at First Bite" review

2011-09-07T09:31:00.000-07:00

Lust at First Bite (2010)

AKA Twilight Vamps

Director: Fred Olen Ray
Writer: Fred Olen Ray

Brandin Rackley ... Tabitha
Frankie Cullen ... Jack
Christine Nguyen ... Angela
Dena Kollar ... Amanda (as Ashley West)
Beverly Lynne ... Louise
Michelle Maylene ... Tammy
Jenaveve Jolie ... Kyra
Valerie K. Garcia ... Goth Dancer

The usual Fred Olen Ray suspects headline another softcore movie. This time it's completely different as the same cast members have sex with each other. How many times can one man watch Frankie Cullen and Brandin Rackley get it on? Or Frankie Cullen and Christine Nguyen? Or Frankie Cullen and any of the half dozen women Ray throws in these flicks? This time he has Cullen head over to a vampire strip club to see what trouble he can get into. He needs to blow off some steam after girlfriend Beverly Lynne continually dismisses him for lesbian sex. It doesn't take long before Cullen has banged his way through half of the cast. Yeah, it's another thrilling late night adventure that will rock your socks off and put you to sleep from the monotonous sight of watching porn fidelity in action.

It's hard to dislike a movie with this many beautiful women getting naked every five minutes. I don't have anything against Brandin Rackley, Christine Nguyen or Beverly Lynne. These women have brought me much joy watching their late night escapades. I also don't have anything against Frankie Cullen. It's not his fault that he has to tackle the same women into bed. No, I'm afraid the fault lies with the cost cutting measures of director Ray and his uncontrollable lust to get his hands on as much Cinemax money as possible.

Something has gone wrong in the house that Ray built. Something is amiss. He has misplaced his libido. "Lust at First Bite" is dull from beginning to end. None of the sex scenes are hot, arousing or even amusing. It's the same people rolling around in the same positions while dry humping to the same music. Snore! Can we please get some variety here? These movies are becoming embarrassing. Ray can usually be counted on for one or two decent sex scenes but "Lust at First Bite" is nothing to lust over. It can be skipped.

One last thought, the only good thing about "Lust at First Bite" is it reminds me how much I miss Beverly Lynne. Beverly has two lesbian sex scenes which are decent. They're not too thrilling but I liked seeing her in action again. I still haven't seen a hotter Beverly Lynne flick than "Bikini a Go Go". In that one, she goes from being frigid to a raging nympho. Beverly needs to let loose her inner raging nympho again. I so miss the nympho. We all do.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 lust at Lynne sight

"Sexual Witchcraft" review

2011-08-20T22:34:00.000-07:00

Sexual Witchcraft (2011)
AKA Little Witches

Director: Fred Olen Ray
Writer: Fred Olen Ray

Michelle Bauer ... Mrs. Turnbull
Vanessa Brink ... Cleopatra
Michelle Maylene ... Elaine
Christine Nguyen ... Sheri
Holly Sampson ... Carrie
Randy Spears ... Jack

Jessie Lunderby ... Sexy Cop

Witches have moved into the neighborhood and Michelle Bauer is not happy about it. Christine Nguyen and her husband have irked the neighbors with their sexual sorcery. Holly Sampson has come down from sexual witch heaven to help Christine navigate the modern world. She imports Cleopatra for reasons that are too ridiculous to mention. It all ends with a lot of mediocre sex and a great ad campaign for Christine's husband. But I'm with Bauer. Her neighbors are bringing down property value in the softcore neighborhood.

"Sexual Witchcraft" is another misfire from Fred Olen Ray. Here we see the importance of casting and making sure that the performers have some sort of chemistry with each other. "Sexual Witchcraft" demonstrates clearly that Ray has been watching too much television. The movie is filled with stunt casting that serves nothing except bringing the movie down. I knew about Holly Sampson and her Tiger Woods liason but I had to dig a little deeper to figure out why the other women, (except Christine Nguyen), were in this movie.

Jessie Lunderby plays a busty cop who bumbles around Christine's house for no reason other than this movie needed a busty cop. Actually there is a reason she's wearing a cop uniform. Lunderby used to be a cop until she got let go after posing for Playboy. So Ray the carny had to jump on this exploitation opportunity as fast as possible. But Ray forgot about the part where she showcases her carnal skills and instead relies more on her acting skills. Newsflash: She has no acting skills. Get back to the sex. But her sex scenes are a bust as Ray starts a lesbian scene with her and Holly Sampson only to abruptly end it. So why did she need to be in this movie? Only a bored Ray knows for sure.

Ray also casts Vanessa Brink as Cleopatra. Brink appeared on an episode of "Intervention, (great show), supporting her husband. She is also known as pornstar Cassandra Cruz so it's hard to figure out where Ray spotted her first. Brink is in the only decent sex scene when she runs into a horny Holly Sampson. But the rest of the sex scenes in "Sexual Witchcraft" are worthless. It's all about lazily going through the motions as Ray amuses himself with his eccentric cast. "Sexual Witchcraft" can be skipped.

One last thought, why is Michelle Bauer being neglected? She is the mother of all MILF's. I was sure there was going to be a scene where Christine puts a spell on Bauer to break her out of her spinster shell. This movie needed Michelle's magic. She's the real sex sorceress. She's still got the body and I know she can still cast a spell on late night audiences. We need a reunion of the Nightmare Sisters to make amends for these lame movies. Quigley, Stevens and Bauer can lift the curse Ray and his ludicrous casting choices have wrought on late night cable.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 busty cops

"Rubber" review

2011-07-24T08:56:00.000-07:00

Rubber (2010)

Director: Quentin Dupieux
Writer: Quentin Dupieux

Stephen Spinella ... Lieutenant Chad
Jack Plotnick ... Accountant
Wings Hauser ... Man in wheelchair
Roxane Mesquida ... Sheila
Ethan Cohn ... Film buff Ethan
Charley Koontz ... Film buff Charley

"Rubber" is the story of a tire. An angry tire. When the rubber meets the road, it turns into a massacre. Tire rolls into town and wants to squash some heads. This tire has gotten so furious it has attained telekinetic powers. As it shakes like it's having a conniption fit, the object of the tire's hatred explodes in an orgy of gore. There's an audience on a hillside watching all of this tire carnage unfold. The tire hates them too. There's no reason why this tire is doing all of these hideously destructive acts. No reason at all.

Well, actually there is a reason that this tire is on a rampage. It's so that we can talk about the director and his kooky movie. I mean, haven't you ever seen a movie where disgruntled auto parts attack? Maybe this maniacal tire was the spare tire from "Christine" and got upset about being left in the trunk. We've seen cars attack before but never a tire. A lone tire out to destroy humanity. It's just kooky enough to work.

"Rubber" is a movie that exists for no reason. It's here to show us that movies don't need a reason to spring to life. All you need is to film something vaguely interesting, (in this case a killer tire), and someone to watch it and you have a movie. "Rubber" has a passive audience that sits on the sidelines watching the tire roll over dead bodies. The filmmakers want to slap the audience from their slumber so they drag them into the movie. They achieve filmmaker nirvana by destroying their audience. Truly, it's what all filmmakers dream of. Killing your audience, (critics), and laughing about it are what director's dreams are made of. But then who would watch their nonsensical films of homicidal tires?

"Rubber" is a wacky movie about killer tires that succeeds for no reason. I have always been a big believer in movie logic, (or lack thereof). If this tire wants to blow people's heads off, I say go for it. I don't need to know how or why it gained this incredible power. I only want to see it use it in regular intervals. So roll on you crazy tire. You don't need a reason to pop human brains out of their skulls. Just make sure when you do it, I can watch.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 hot babes with killer tires for no reason

"Sweet Karma" review

2011-07-04T16:11:00.000-07:00

Sweet Karma (2009)

Director: Andrew Thomas Hunt
Writers: James Fler Andrew Thomas Hunt

Shera Bechard ... Karma Balint
John Tokatlidis ... William
Frank J. Zupancic ... Stefan
Christian Bako ... Tomas
Laura McLean ... Mavra
Patricia Stasiak ... Anna Balint
Lana Koseniv ... Galina
Tanya Rusnak ... Franciska
Sasha Kovacs ... Redhead
Anna Beben ... Blondie

Sweet, sweet Karma is going on a rampage. Her sister has been sold into sexual bondage in Toronto and Karma wants revenge. The Russian gangsters who imported her sister over told her she'd be cleaning houses but she ends up polishing knobs. When Karma is told that her sister has been killed, she decides to extract justice as only a hot mute girl in an exploitation movie can. She hangs out in a strip club dressed in white lingerie looking for the right moment to strike. Many Russian gangsters will pay dearly for their lecherous ways.

Ahh, sweet Karma. Sweet, unforgiving Karma. I needed this movie. I needed Karma to blast her way through the underworld and she did not disappoint me. Shera Bechard is Karma and she is an exploitation movie treasure. The filmmakers have struck gold with Shera. In one scene, Shera hangs out in a strip club looking for an opportunity to kill the sleaziest pimp. She rushes the stage and gives an impromptu strip tease which naturally lures the pimp to his doom. This scene was amazing as was their fight in the bathroom. I will now have to think twice if a stripper offers me a chance to snort cocaine off of her breasts. "Sweet Karma" shows you the potential bloody downside to this sordid possibility.

"Sweet Karma" also makes me realize I haven't been to a strip club in awhile. Although maybe that's a good thing considering the people who are running it. One scene has the gangsters cursing over the lack of lap dances their stable has pounded their way through. This made me glad I wasn't a figure in organized crime's lap dance quota. But then another scene had Karma getting a lap dance from a large breasted blonde and I was feeling nostalgic for the club again. They even drop Stormy Daniels name as a feature dancer and it made me flash back even more to the strip club bump and grind. Oh Sweet Karma, why did you have to show the fun side of sin?

But Karma will not stand for gangsters exploiting women so she burns her way through the whole crew. There are scenes of rape, (which ends badly for the rapist), a catfight with a knife, (cat knife fight?), and various scenes of Karma vengeance. "Sweet Karma" had all the elements I like to see in fine cinema. Guns, girls, strip clubs and hot mute supermodels on a killing spree. I had a good time watching Shera dish out some bad karma. "Sweet Karma" is worth a look.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 sweet Sheras

"Mega Python vs. Gatoroid" review

2011-06-26T16:00:00.000-07:00

Mega Python vs. Gatoroid (2011)

Director: Mary Lambert
Writer: Naomi L. Selfman

Deborah Gibson ... Dr. Nikki Riley
Tiffany ... Terry O'Hara
A Martinez ... Dr. Diego Ortiz
Kathryn Joosten ... Angie
Kevin M. Horton ... RJ Cupelli
Carey Van Dyke ... Justin

Giant gators and pythons are attacking and only 80's pop stars can save the day. Debbie Gibson and Tiffany are ready to go to war in the Everglades to answer the trivia question of which 80's pop singers appeared in a movie with Gatoroids? Debbie, (or is it Deborah?), Gibson is a kooky environmentalist who releases pythons into the wild. The local ecosystem cannot handle the pressure so Sheriff Tiffany pumps up the gators with steroids. Hence, they become Gatoroids. Pythons eat steroid-saturated Gatoroids and become Mega Pythons. Gibson and Tiffany will have to combine their powers if there is any hope of saving humanity from these ridiculous CGI creatures.

"Mega Python vs. Gatoroid" finally lets me ask the question I've been wanting to ask for years. At last, a chance to ponder one of life's great mysteries. No, I'm not wondering about who would win in a battle of Mega Pythons vs Gatoroids. No one cares about that. I am curious about the only aspect of this movie that is worth thinking about. The one aspect of this movie that the filmmakers exploited brilliantly. That is, who would you rather have sex with, Tiffany or Debbie Gibson?

Now this is a tough question. One shouldn't rush to judgment here. On the one hand, Debbie has the innocent persona, (don't know if it's true but for ridiculous arguments sake let's say it is), the blonde svelte look and overall hotness. Tiffany, on the other hand, has grown up to be a voluptuous vixen. What I mean is, she has amazing breasts. She was the best special effect in "Mega Python vs Gatoroid". The filmmakers kept her cleavage displayed in almost every scene she was in and I was astounded each time.

Before watching this movie, I was sure the answer to my carnal question was going to be Debbie Gibson. But I'm going to have to go with Tiffany. (It's OK Debbie. Dry your eyes.) Tiffany is my kind of woman. I was staring at her bountiful harvest throughout most of the movie. She made every scene she was in better by embracing the B-movie standard of breasts excellence. Gibson is a little too thin for my tastes. Frankly, she needs to eat a cheeseburger or two. Gibson needs to take a break from Pilates and head to In-N-Out. She'll need the carbs if she's going to battle Gatoroids.

As for the movie, it was a typical cheesy monster movie. If Tiffany and Gibson weren't in it, it would not be worth talking about. The only redeeming part of this movie is the battle royale between Tiffany and Gibson near the end. Gibson and Tiffany have a food fight/wrestling match during a party in which whipped cream and other substances are rubbed over each other. This was a fine B-movie moment. The filmmakers also deserve some points for dropping references to Gibsons and Tiffany's songs. It makes me want to sing a Debbie Gibson song now. Would I get a chance to forgo my carnal question and just have a three-way with the 80's ladies? As Debbie would say, Only in my dreams...

SCORE: 2 out of 4 80's ladies

"Skyline" review

2011-06-04T20:09:00.000-07:00

Skyline (2010)

Directors: Colin Strause Greg Strause

Writers: Joshua Cordes, Liam O'Donnell

Eric Balfour ... Jarrod

Scottie Thompson ... Elaine

Brittany Daniel ... Candice
Crystal Reed ... Denise

Neil Hopkins ... Ray

David Zayas ... Oliver

Donald Faison ... Terry

A group of friends are hanging out in a nice condo in Marina Del Rey when aliens attack. Their hangover gets interrupted as blue strobe lights flash through the windows of a beautiful, two bedroom condo with central heating. The friends hunker down and try to discuss survival tactics in an architectural masterpiece that soars into the Marina Del Rey skyline. They run around the valet parking area, the spacious pool and sauna and even the rooftop helicopter pad but there is no escape amongst the vast assortment of luxury amenities.

"Skyline" is the most amazing condo porn I have ever seen. This movie makes me want to move. I'm living in a hovel compared to this alien infested building. I knew I had seen this building before but I wasn't sure where. It was the helicopter pads that reminded me of those condos on Lincoln Blvd in the Marina. Sure enough, as I went to grab some Chipotle I remembered this towering condo structure. Upon further research, I learned that the director lived at this building and shot the entire movie at his place.

"Skyline" is B-movie making at it's finest. The director just had to roll out of bed to film the alien invasion. He didn't even need to put on any pants but I hope that he did. "Skyline" never leaves this condo building as the aliens come to it. Eric Balfour and his buddies run back and forth as various brain sucking invaders crash the director's pad. Every part of this condo building is used for filming. There's an extended scene in the parking garage, a chase scene by the pool and the rooftop helicopter pad is exploited for all its worth. A one bedroom here will run you about $3K/month but with so many amenities to run to during an intergalactic invasion, it's so worth it.

But is "Skyline" any good? Sure, if you like B-movies about aliens sucking peoples brains in a luxury condo. "Skyline" was made for DVD but somehow ended up in theaters. I suspect normal moviegoers were aghast that this cheap exercise in alien Armageddon infested the theaters. As for me, I dug it. Oh sure, Eric Balfour has a face you want to slap and every character was annoying but that condo made me want to sign the lease right after the movie. It could have used a little more blood and guts to punch things up but the filmmakers needed to save some money for their rent.

"Skyline" makes it clear that the only place to be during an alien invasion is in this condo building. I want the director to know that if aliens invade L.A., I'm coming over. Don't worry, I'm a gracious guest and will bring my own pillow and some beer. I just want to experience this condo building before I die. A few laps in the pool, then a quick trip to the sauna and then the aliens can eat my brains. I'll die a happy brainless man.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 glorious Marina skylines

The Marina.

The pool.

The helicopter pad. This movie has everything!

"Porno Holocaust" review

2011-06-03T21:06:00.000-07:00

Porno Holocaust (1981)

Director: Joe D'Amato
Writer: George Eastman

George Eastman ... Dr. Lemoir
Dirce Funari ... Simone
Annj Goren ... Contessa

"Porno Holocaust". No self respecting exploitation fan could resist a movie with a title like that. I am no exception. I knew that it was in Italian with no subtitles but I didn't care. I had to see it. I beg forgiveness for my movie sins.

The most important thing to know about this flick is that it is a porno movie. It's not a particularly good porno movie either. A bunch of people head to an island, have sex and discover a monster. There are scenes of "horror" mixed with the hardcore. They consist of people getting bashed over the head with blood coming out of their skulls. There is also a scene where a girl is raped by the monster. The monster is a black man with some makeup on his face to make him look "radioactive". Scary stuff.

Director D'Amato likes his interracial porn. Here he spices things up by making the black man a monster that likes to rape the visiting white women. They die after the rape because the monster is radioactive. It sounds pretty sordid but when you see it you can't help but yawn.

D'Amato is such an incompetent dolt he can't even film a porn scene right. He has one couple have sex three different times. YAWN! Variety man! The actors shouldn't be monogamous with each other! Not only that, he has them roll into the same sex positions. Every porn scene has music blasting over the top of it. Hello?! I can't hear their supposed screams of ecstasy with this flute blasting in my ear. He also managed to make a scene with two women having sex seem tedious.

So as a porno movie, it's a bust. As a horror movie, it stinks. But as a warped sleaze experience, "Porno Holocaust" should probably be seen once. It's not good but it's unique in it's own grimy way.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 radioactive freaks

"Mega Piranha" review

2011-05-30T17:03:00.000-07:00

Mega Piranha (2010)

Director: Eric Forsberg
Writer: Eric Forsberg

Paul Logan ... Jason Fitch
Tiffany ... Sarah Monroe
Barry Williams ... Bob Grady
David Labiosa ... Colonel Antonio Diaz
Jude Gerard Prest ... Dr. Brian Higgins
Jesse Daly ... Dr. Eli Gordon
Cooper Harris ... Lt. Julia
William Morse ... Lt. Stritch

Mega Piranha are on the loose and only an 80's pop star can save the world. Tiffany is the resident super genius, (or is that mega genius?), who knows everything there is to know about Mega Piranha. A hunky special forces soldier has come to the Amazon to figure out why the American Ambassador was torn into a million pieces. Tiffany holds all the answers as they try to get away, into the night, and then he puts his arms around her and they tumble to the ground and then he says, "I think we're alone now." But they're not! Mega Piranha keep eating everything in sight and keep growing and growing until they've reached the size of Super Pac-man. Trying to figure out how to defeat a mega Piranha is like trying to solve a Rubik's Cube. Somebody call the A-Team! Stop me before I run out of 80's references!

It's going to be very hard to describe "Mega Piranha" without using the word cheesy. Cheesy is the word the captures the acting, special effects, mood, story and everything else associated with this movie. "Mega Piranha" is shot as a hyperactive action movie with ridiculous piranha inhaling every object, (living or otherwise), that gets in their way. I suppose the filmmakers deserve a little credit for trying to take this subject matter seriously. But whether they take it seriously or not, "Mega Piranha" is still a cheesy B-movie that was made to be forgotten.

There are two scenes in "Mega Piranha" that are worth mentioning so that you don't have to actually watch this movie. They both involve piranha flying out of the water. The first one has the soldier swimming out of a river full of piranha. As he sits on the beach, a mega piranha jumps out of the water and howls at him as he leaps for his throat. This ends in a mano-a-teeth battle to the death. The second scene has the same soldier on a different beach. This time the piranha show that they have learned their lesson from the first battle and attack in waves. Fortunately the soldier is trained for just such a situation and uses his feet to kick them back in the water. These two scenes highlight the total entertainment value of this movie.

The rest of "Mega Piranha" is a headache-inducing, cheeseball action movie. Unless you're dying for piranha mega cheese, this one can be skipped. The only thing else worth mentioning is the presence of Tiffany. There's something important about Tiffany that needs to be said: Tiffany has an amazing rack. Yes, it's true. It's also true that "Mega Piranha" did not exploit this 80's pop star as much as it should have. I don't believe she ever said "I think we're alone now". I was waiting for it but I'm pretty sure she never said any lines from her hot cover song. What a shame. The beating of her heart was the only sound...

SCORE: 2 out of 4 mega Tiffany's

Tiffany in all her glory:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=826PTEuHKhE

"Lady Chatterly's Ghost" review

2011-05-22T19:39:00.000-07:00

Lady Chatterly's Ghost

Director: Fred Olen Ray

Writer: Fred Olen Ray

Vanessa Brink ... Sophia
Jessie Lunderby ... Connie
Nick Manning ... Keith
Holly Sampson ... Sandra
Randy Spears ... Charles

Holly Sampson is in love with ghosts. She's reading Lady Chatterley's Lover and she's horny for the classics. Her husband introduces her to a blonde woman who may be the possessed spirit of Lady Chatterly. Or is she an earthly manifestation of the book? Ahh, who cares? All I know is that there was a lot of mediocre bumping and grinding going on in this late night skin flick. Lady Chatterly would be ashamed.

"Lady Chatterly's Ghost" is a dud. The ghost is rolling over in her grave at having to endure this softcore misfire. There is not one good sex scene in this movie. Holly Sampson shows up as the main character and I was hoping she was going to show us some of her Tiger Woods magic. Was she a mistress of Woods or just a one-time fling of his? Ahh, who cares? All I know is that she was bragging about bagging Woods and I wanted to see her carnal skills in action. I must say I was disappointed. Although I don't blame Woods for wanting Holly for himself. She is quite lovely even if this movie doesn't let her show off her erotic expertise.

Every sex scene in "Lady Chatterly's Ghost" is shooting blanks. There was only one scene that held any promise. Jessie Lunderby, (The Ghost), is having sex with another woman on a couch. Lunderby, (who gives an incredible monotone performance), doesn't have a clue what she's doing. As Lunderby lies on her back, the woman goes in to lick her breasts. So far so good. But Lunderby cannot keep her hands to herself and keeps touching the woman's hair over and over again. She is clearly breaking lesbian porn rule 101: Never let the performers hair get in the way of the shot. The woman keeps moving Lunderby's hand away but Lunderby cannot stop touching her freaking hair. At the end of the scene, the woman is making love to Lunderby's rear end just so she can keep some distance from Lunderby's hands. It's no use as Lunderby reaches back to touch her head again. I don't know what Lunderby's obsession is with hair but it was obviously disconcerting to her partner and to me as well.

There isn't anything interesting, stimulating or erotic about "Lady Chatterly's Ghost". This ghost needs to find eternal rest and stop haunting late night cable. Although I hope that Holly Sampson shows up in some more of these movies. I have a feeling she can show us how potent her sex magic can be. If it's good enough for Tiger Woods, it's good enough for me.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 Holly's Woods

"The Devil and Shelley Lubben" review

2011-05-14T21:03:00.000-07:00

The Devil and Shelley Lubben

Director: Michael Whiteacre

Shelley Lubben hates porn. She hates the people involved in it and everything they stand for. But most of all, she wants you to know how much she hates it. She is crusading against the sins of pornography. A one time adult movie performer, Lubben is lashing out against the industry that has caused her numerous health and emotional problems. Of course she was a downtown L.A. prostitute for many years as well. Could that have had something to do with her physical and mental well being/breakdown? Hmmm...

"The Devil and Shelley Lubben" is a documentary about the sins, lies and deceitfulness of Shelley Lubben. Well, at least as perceived by director Michael Whiteacre and numerous adult industry players. Whiteacre is the director of the superior softcore film "Call Girl Wives" who is wearing his activist hat to expose the hypocrisies of Shelley Lubben. She has gotten under people's collective skin and the two episodes on the internet, (with more to follow), make the case that Shelley is not the victim she makes herself out to be.

There is one aspect of "The Devil and Shelley Lubben" I found quite annoying. I can't stand listening to Shelley Lubben. She has got quite a grating speaking voice. It makes me wonder how people can stand listening to her. But perhaps it's more the message than her delivery that's helping to spread the gospel of Lubben. She is telling her audience exactly what they want to hear. There is a modern day Sodom and Gomorrah raging out of control in the valley today and it must be stopped. She was lucky to get out alive.

But for what purpose is Lubben doing this? Is she working some angle to get money? Is she starved for attention? Is she just plain crazy? Or is she a true believer in what's she's ranting about? So far, the documentary doesn't have that answer although a conclusion might be reached in other episodes. The performers interviewed, (Kayden Kross, Nina Hartley), refute most of Lubben's accusations about the porn industry. There aren't rapists stalking the set at every turn. As for women not enjoying having sex on film, Nina Hartley goes on to assure us that she has assisted in "hundreds of real female orgasms" in her 26 years in the business. Thank God for Nina Hartley. If only more porn stars were like her the world would be a better place.

"The Devil and Shelley Lubben" is an interesting documentary on an irritant to the porn business. This is not to say the porn business is above criticism mind you. You should certainly know what you're getting into when you walk onto an adult movie set. You would think after about thirty years of porn in the valley they would have figured out safety guidelines for making their product.

But the level of scorn Lubben attacks the industry with makes it seem like she craves the limelight of being a victim. Shelley Lubben is not a reliable spokesperson for railing against pornography. There's a lot of sex going on in Canoga Park and Chatsworth and she is here to save us from it. But no one should stop Nina Hartley from giving orgasms. That's just crazy.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 Lubbens

Check it out at

http://www.thedevilandshelleylubben.com/

Keep giving orgasms Nina.
Michael Whiteacre.

Kayden Kross looking good.

"Zombie Women of Satan" review

2011-04-18T12:50:00.000-07:00

Zombie Women of Satan (2009)

Directors: Steve O'Brien, Warren Speed

Writers: Seymour Leon Mace Steve O'Brien

Warren Speed ... Pervo the Clown

Victoria Hopkins ... Skye Brannigan

Victoria Broom ... Rachel Brannigan / Cult Girl M

Marysia Kay ... Red Zander

Peter Bonner ... Zeus

Kate Soulsby ... Harmony Starr

Bill Fellows ... Henry Zander

A group of freaks head out to the countryside to give an interview. They are a traveling band of performers that have piqued the interest of a local cult. Once the group hits the sticks the zombie women come out of the woodwork. It seems that the resident mad scientist is attempting to turn women into drooling, snarling beasts. He made his daughter feed them champagne glasses of poison and now the women are raving lunatics intent on devouring people. The band must, um, band together if they hope to survive the zombie onslaught. Bats, guns, knives and chainsaws are used quite frequently upside many topless zombie women heads.

“Zombie Women of Satan” had all the indications of being a terrible movie. It has the kind of title that only a B-movie fan would love and would therefore be suckered into watching it. Filmmakers often pick over the top titles to compensate for the lack of quality in the movie. I was prepared to be dragged through the fires of B-movie hell again just so I could watch some zombie women go wild.

I’m pleasantly surprised to tell you that “Zombie Women of Satan” is not that bad. I was expecting the worst so perhaps that softened the blow. It is a strangely entertaining movie that fluctuates between moments of gore and lame comedy. Thankfully, the comedic moments segue into a gory scene with recurring frequency. Heads are crushed, throats are ripped out and zombie breasts shoot acid so the movie has some charming traits.

Now I’m not saying “Zombie Women of Satan” is good mind you. But I found myself reasonably entertained by a movie I was sure was going to destroy my soul with its awfulness. Pervo the clown and his merry band of circus geeks gawk at the zombie women before smashing their heads in. Most of the zombie, (actually poisoned), women like to run through the woods without any bras on. And this makes perfect sense as the undead have no need for modesty. Pervo takes advantage of his killing spree and soaks in all of the topless zombie wonders.

Come to think of it, not only were these women not zombies, they weren’t connected to Satan at all. So the title is quite meaningless unless the meaning was to get horror fans to rent the movie. If you are thinking of renting it, know that there are plenty of topless women and even more cheap gore to keep you content. You’ll have to suffer through some lame humor, (including a midget taking the longest bathroom break in history), but “Zombie Women of Satan” keeps moving and provides all of the B-movie mayhem it could afford.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 zombie women

"Busty Coeds vs. Lusty Cheerleaders" review

2011-04-17T12:01:00.000-07:00

Busty Coeds vs. Lusty Cheerleaders

Director: Jim Wynorski

Writer: Steve Goldenberg

Angie Savage ... Angie

Jaime Hunter ... Miss Meyers

Frankie Cullen ... Chet

Heather Vandeven ... Janet

Tiffany Case

T.J. Commings ... Bull

Melissa Lewis

Kylee Nash

Charlie Laine

A bunch of busty women show up at Wynorski's backwoods timeshare for another late night adventure. This time Wynorski has become so bored with thinking up plots for his Cinemax pay days he has the women direct themselves in as many sex scenes as possible without disturbing his nap. Kylee Nash is the most busty, (bustiest?) cheerleader so she should clearly win whatever event she's competing in. Cheerleaders and Coed's run amok all over each other as sex scene after sex scene batters you into submission. The girls plot and scheme and rub chocolate sauce on themselves but nothing can arouse Wynorski from his slumber.

"Busty Coed's vs Lusty Cheerleaders" is another, (yes another!) Wynorski skin flick adventure. It is truly a cut to the chase late night offering. There's a loose plot about a hottie competition and the hottie's who compete in it. The cheerleaders are scheming against the coed's who are scheming against each other, etc. Judges get corrupted and coeds and cheerleaders get it on with great abandon. There's not a lot of filler here as Wynorski has the decency to keep the sex scenes flowing.

The best part of "Busty Coed's vs Lusty Cheerleaders" is Kylee Nash. She is truly a busty work of art. She has three sex scenes and they are all good. The first one has her by the pool with a judge as she does her best to seduce her. Good news, the seduction works wonders. There's a lot of quality nipple licking in this scene. The next sex scene has her banging some muscle bound guy who always manages to show up in all of these late night flicks. This time he gets to bang Nash and he makes the most of it. The last sex scene has her cavorting with a blonde women with a massive back tattoo in a pool. This is also a good scene as they both like to kiss and I like to watch. Yes I do.

Another hottie who makes it into this flick is Charlie Laine. She had a great lesbian scene in "Voodoo Dollz" and I was interested to see what she would do with the busty coeds. In a shocking turn of events, Charlie Laine, (who I thought was only doing lesbian scenes), has two sex scenes with men! Are you as shocked as I am? Charlie gets it on with two muscular guys and I was amazed. Actually, more amazed that Wynorski talked her into this than the scenes themselves. I was also amazed at the size of Laine's breasts. I believe they have been augmented since the last time I saw them. It must be a new day for Charlie. A new year, new breasts, new men to dry hump in softcore flicks. Good times ahead!

"Busty Coed's vs Lusty Cheerleaders" is not Wynorski's finest hour but he does manage to deliver the late night goods. At least with his softcore output he knows what he has to deliver. As long as the women with large breasts keep kissing each other, viewers will be satisfied. As for this viewer, I found the parts with Kylee Nash to be quite enjoyable. The rest was fair. Although I think Nash was robbed. She was clearly the bustiest and lustiest of them all. I'm not sure if bustiest and lustiest are actual words but they are now. If we keep using them to describe Nash, Webster will have no choice but to include them one day.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 bustiest and lustiest Nashs

"Sucker Punch" review

2011-04-04T09:03:00.000-07:00

Sucker Punch (2011)

Director: Zack Snyder

Writers: Zack Snyder Steve Shibuya

Emily Browning ... Baby Doll

Abbie Cornish ... Sweet Pea

Jena Malone ... Rocket

Vanessa Hudgens ... Blondie

Jamie Chung ... Amber

Carla Gugino ... Dr. Vera Gorski

Oscar Isaac ... Blue Jones

Jon Hamm ... High Roller / Doctor

Scott Glenn ... Wise Man

Baby Doll gets sent to the insane asylum. Her evil stepfather wants to lobotomize her so she doesn't cause any more hassles. Baby Doll can't take the overbearing reality of her life so she escapes into a fantasy world. She envisions the mental hospital as a brothel and her jailers as her employers. In an effort to break free from the prison, she gives herself tasks to complete so she can reach the next level of freedom. It is only through the power of her seductive dancing that she can distract the evil men in her life into giving her what she needs. But in order to dance with the power of a demon stripper, she must escape into yet another level of fantasy. She dreams of worlds where samurai monsters, Nazi's made of steam and angry dragons attack her and her loyal hot babe inmates. Baby Doll can only live in her dream world and we're right there living with her in Snyders, I mean, Baby Doll's vivid imagination.

I was unprepared. I thought "Sucker Punch" was going to be a wild ride in some fantasy world where women with machine guns attack various malevolent creatures. I had no idea what the movie was about but I figured any movie with hot women with guns can't be all bad. It helped knowing that the director is a fan of genre movies. Surely, he would not steer this ship wrong. While Snyder doesn't exactly steer his vessel into a giant iceberg, this ship is still way off course. Where was his genre loving compass pointing him on this one? Ego is a terrible thing. It has led him astray.

"Sucker Punch" is not a complete disaster but it is surely a disappointment. This movie is a pointless exercise. It screams for more of those lovely exploitative elements we all cherish. It was only after the movie was over I realized "Sucker Punch" was rated PG-13. There is no nudity in this women's prison movie. For shame. You have a handful of hot women fighting for their freedom and not one gratuitous shower scene to wash off some blood? I thought Snyder was a fan of these movies. Where is the love man?

Speaking of disappointments, why didn't we ever get to see Baby Doll dance? I was ready to see Baby Doll arch her back and shake her hips so I could fall under her spell too. Instead she retreats into her video game world of dragons and monsters. Is this what women dream about when they try to seduce men? Who knew they fantasized about such things?

But the ultimate disappointment is when you realize that these fantasy sequences, while being the most appealing scenes in the film, are meaningless. They are action scenes playing out in Baby Doll's head. They have no bearing on the plot nor do they cause any sense of suspense as we know Baby doll can dance her way out of any fire breathing dragon situation. Once Baby Doll finishes dancing, the movie goes back to the drab world of the asylum/bordello and we wait patiently for Baby Doll to put her dancing shoes back on.

"Sucker Punch" has some interesting fight scenes but overall it's disappointing. But I wonder if "Sucker Punch" will be one of those movies that we'll look back on later in life and kick ourselves for not realizing the genius that was evident in it? Ehh, probably not. "Sucker Punch" is a collection of fantasy scenes that Snyder wanted to ram down our throats. He didn't want to wait to film all of them separately so he came up with this Alice in Prisonland mishmash of a movie. While I find it hard to argue against a movie with samurai monsters, you can probably let "Sucker Punch" and its dreaming dancing girl go.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 baby doll squads

"The Tomb" review

2011-04-03T16:03:00.000-07:00

The Tomb (1986)

Director: Fred Olen Ray

Writers: Kenneth J. Hall T.L. Lankford

Cameron Mitchell ... Dr. Howard Phillips

John Carradine ... Mr. Andoheb

Sybil Danning ... Jade

Susan Stokey ... Helen

Richard Hench ... David Manners

Michelle Bauer ... Nefratis

I rented this one from my terrible local video store. If you want older B-movies, you've got to dig deep. Why even bother to dig for some of these movies is a mystery. Case in point: "The Tomb". A fake Indiana Jones goes looking for treasure. He runs into Sybil Danning for five seconds and then ends up in Cairo. There he stumbles upon a mummy's tomb which has Michelle Bauer pouting her way through eternity. She follows the faux Dr. Jones to L.A. where many uninteresting things happen.

The first thing to know about "The Tomb" is that Sybil Danning is barely in the movie. I suppose like most B-movie fans I figured that even if the movie was bad, I knew Sybil Danning was there to save the day. I was wrong. Sybil Danning can't save it. There's no way she could have since she's in it for five minutes. I distinctly remember her being proudly displayed on the video box. What a shame. I was looking forward to watching this one too. Mummies, Sybil Danning, ancient curses, and Sybil Danning. Ripped off again. I'll never learn.

You'll be screaming for mercy after this one. Any scene without Sybil Danning is lame and terrible. And was she naked for her five minutes you ask? No way. If she was, I might have given the movie a break. If Michelle Bauer had gotten naked, I might have even vaguely enjoyed the movie. If Michelle Bauer and Sybil Danning had gotten naked together, I might have had an orgasm. But they didn't. So many chances to embrace pure exploitation but "The Tomb" blew them all.

Good Lord man. Is it too much to ask to make B-movies enjoyable? There is a lot of ways to overcome the limitations associated with a small budget. This movie just puttered along without a care in the world of being good. "The Tomb" is a stinker that needs to be left to rot.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 for five minutes of Sybil

"Raptor" review

2011-04-02T20:55:00.000-07:00

Raptor (2001)

Director: Jim Wynorski Writers: Michael B. Druxman Frances Doel

Eric Roberts ... Sheriff Jim Tanner

Corbin Bernsen ... Dr. Hyde

Melissa Brasselle ... Barbara Phillips

Tim Abell ... Capt. Connellly

William Monroe ... Capt. York

Harrison Page ... Deputy Ben Glover (as Harrison Paige

Lorissa McComas ... Lola Tanner

Wynorski has escaped from a lab and the army has to hunt him down before he kills again. Actually, Wynorski's shameless "Carnosaur" rip-off has escaped from the B-movie lab and we must kill it before anyone else sees it. A mad scientist has gone madder than usual as his puppet dinosaurs are running amok. Eric Roberts shows up as the local sheriff to investigate dino-related carnage. Corbin Bernsen is hard at work trying to cover his tracks as the army closes in. Some cheap dinosaurs showed up, did nothing interesting and my mind started to wander off into deep, sweet dino oblivion...

It's sad. You would think a movie with malicious dinosaurs would be more exciting. Was vaguely interesting asking too much? Yes, it was. "Raptor" konked me out after 45 minutes. The army was going to kill some raptors and zzzzzzz... "Raptor" sent me into a deep dino coma. None of the screaming and yelling on screen could shake me out of my slumber. I woke up to the sound of my VCR rewinding the tape for me.

I wrestled with the moral dilemma of whether to go back and watch the rest of "Raptor" for about two seconds. I took my power nap as a sign to let this one go. Wynorski clearly didn't care about making an entertaining movie so why should I care about watching it? I can say with full confidence that even watching five minutes of this movie is too much. The only thing positive to say about "Raptor" is that it's a boon for people suffering from insomnia. Pop this lame excuse for a movie in and get ready to snooze.

In conclusion: Good nap. Bad movie.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 cheap raptors

"Emanuelle in America" review

2011-03-27T16:10:00.000-07:00

Emanuelle in America (1977)

Director: Joe D'Amato

Writers: Ottavio Alessi

Laura Gemser ... Emanuelle

Gabriele Tinti ... Alfredo Elvize, Duke of Mount Elba

Roger Browne ... The Senator

Riccardo Salvino ... Bill

Emanuelle is a good reporter. There's nothing she won't do for a hot story. Speaking of hot, Laura Gemser is at her Black Emanuelle peak in this one. She gets naked countless times as she engages in one sex adventure after another. Emanuelle is our eyes and ears into the sordid sex underworld. She is the ultimate voyeur. She might not do everything but there isn't anything she won't watch. She watches horse masturbation, orgies, interracial action and some of the most vile snuff footage you will ever see.

I am not a big fan of director D'Amato. Most of the movies that I've seen of his were unbelievably amateurish and terrible. "Emanuelle in America" is one of the few exceptions to that rule. It's also one of those rare movies that actually lives up to its hype. It is a salacious, lecherous, nasty piece of work. I mean that in a good way.

A special salute must be given to the snuff footage section. It is literally violence as pornography. Every time we see the snuff footage, people are getting off watching it. Is the audience supposed to as well or are we supposed to be repulsed? I don't know the answer to that. My guess is that we're supposed to feel a little of both. Either that or D'Amato doesn't care how we feel as long as we pay for the sick thrills.

"Emanuelle in America" is one of the nastiest exploitation movies ever made. The snuff footage at the end showed D'Amato's true talent: Sleaze to please. And I mean SLEAZE! How pleased you get will say a lot about how sick you are. I was amazed.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 Emmanuelles

"Feeders" review

2011-03-26T21:21:00.001-07:00

Feeders (1996)

Directors: Jon McBride John Polonia

Writer: Mark Polonia

Jon McBride ... Derek

John Polonia ... Bennett

Todd Carpenter ... Fisherman

Sebastian Barran ... Doctor

Melissa Torpy ... Michelle

Space. The Final Frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Feeders. To seek out new life to destroy, to explore strange new DVD players, to boldly make the worst movie of all time. "Feeders" doesn't know fear. It doesn't know about talent. It has no concept of entertainment. If you see a Feeder, there will be an anal probing. Feeders operate under a strict "no survivors" policy. You are doomed if you see a Feeder. Run!

"Feeders" is about Feeders. They are tiny aliens who attack the backwoods of Pennsylvania. They have landed in the hopes of finding something interesting to do. Their little heads bob around looking for a movie. No such luck.

Bashing "Feeders" is kind of pointless. It was as low budget and terrible as you would expect just from looking at the video box. I'm an eternal optimist so I rented it anyway. The aliens were puppets that looked ridiculous and the acting was awful. There is so much more that deserves to be trashed but I think it would be best if I just summed it up this way: This movie sucks.

The only thing positive to say about "Feeders" is that it has one of the greatest bad acting scenes ever committed to film. Two girls are on the phone and one of them says something like, "Wait. My dad will find out." It was incredible. She was reading off of a cue card. I rewound it about five times to make sure I saw this girl say these words with absolutely no emotion whatsoever. It was hysterical.

So aside from seeing that girl do one of the most hilarious bad acting performances ever, there's not anything to recommend about "Feeders". It wasn't good.

SCORE: LANDFILL

"Red to Kill" review

2011-03-26T07:29:00.000-07:00

Red to Kill (1994)

AKA Yeuk saat

Director: Hin Sing 'Billy' Tang
Writer: Ho Wa Wong

Lily Chung ... Ming-Ming Yuk Kong
Money Lo ... Ka Lok Cheung (as Man Yee Lo)
Ben Ng ... Chi Wai Chan
Bobby Yip ... Ugly Mental Patient

Ming Ming has a hard life. A slightly retarded girl who has the misfortune to have a psycho fall in love with her. She gets sent to live in a home for the handicapped after her family dies. The guy who runs the home just happens to have one little quirky attribute about him. The color red irritates him to the point where he becomes a shaking, drooling rapist. Well, we can only hope Ming Ming does not wear red around this man. But since the movie is called "Red to Kill", it's a pretty safe bet she will. Sure enough, Ming Ming has the audacity to wear the color red and now it's on. Rape, violence, revenge and protracted sexual mutilation follow in quick succession.

"Red to Kill" is a Category III exploitation movie. I didn't fully appreciate what Category III meant until I saw this film. A beautifully shot film that lovingly explores the horror of rape. Ming Ming, (Lily Chung), is shown as a sweet, innocent girl who gets violently raped by her caretaker. The social worker who put Ming Ming in this predicament feels a tad guilty and tries to help her. This only leads down the path to more red-induced violence.

"Red to Kill" is a fine exploitation film. I enjoyed it. It's sad that Ming Ming had to suffer so much for me to get some Category III thrills. But Lily Chung should be commended for doing a great job in playing an innocent girl getting mauled. Chung also deserves a place in exploitation movie history for the longest sexual mutilation scene in history. After her rape, Ming Ming heads to the shower to cut off her pubic hairs. Ming Ming's shaving starts getting rougher and the blood starts to flow down the drain. A standout nasty scene that should have exploitation fans cheering. Poor Ming Ming.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 red Ming Mings

"Obsession: A Taste for Fear" review

2011-03-25T22:12:00.000-07:00

Obsession: A Taste for Fear (1988)

AKA Un sapore di paura

Director: Piccio Raffanini
Writers: Jacques Goyard Piccio Raffanini

Virginia Hey ... Diane
Gérard Darmon ... Georges
Gioia Scola ... Valerie
Dario Parisini ... Lt. Arnold
Carin McDonald ... Kim
Teagan Clive ... Teagan Morrison
Eva Grimaldi ... Pearl

Yet another rental from my terrible local video store. I wanted to check this one out because I had heard that it had the woman from "The Road Warrior" in it, (Virginia Hey). I'm a simple man seeking simple pleasures. It doesn't take much to excite me.

The title of the movie is "Obsession: A Taste for Fear". It's sold as a typical softcore sex thriller. Nothing in the title or on the video box would lead you to any other conclusion. So the movie is humming along, doing what softcore movies do, when all of a sudden something unexpected happens. Somebody fires a laser gun! What the heck? Who said this movie was set in the future? Who? What? Huh?!

After that, the movie derailed on me as I sat there imagining the producers having an imbecilic brainstorming session..."We need something unique here. Anybody can film two people having sex. The sex is still good mind you but we need a hook. Something flashy...I got it! Wait till you hear this! How about a laser gun?! YES! The audience will love it! Nothing sells a sex thriller better than laser guns."

Actually, nothing flushes a softcore movie down the toilet faster than laser guns. As for the plot, it had something to do with Virginia and her obsessions. She's a photographer who takes a lot of sleazy pictures. Her models are getting killed and the killer keeps firing laser cannons at her. There's also a female body builder and a lot of outrageous 80's fashion catastrophes. There are a few decent sex scenes but they always end up getting interrupted by laser blasts.

Did I mention there is a laser attack in this softcore movie? I suppose "Obsession: A Taste for Fear" was trying to be a unique addition to the giallo genre. It's not everyday you see random laser guns in these movies. It's so unique I never want to see or think of this movie again. Although I did enjoy seeing Virginia Hey get a taste for fear. She made the movie slightly bearable. Not much so but she did her best. Yes Virginia, there is a laser gun.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 laser dodging road warriors

"Sexy Wives Sindrome" review

2011-03-20T21:01:00.000-07:00

Sexy Wives Sindrome

Director: Sam Pepperman AKA Jim Wynorski
Writer: Steve Goldenberg

Frankie Cullen ... Mark
Cindy Lucas ... Nurse Kayla Belmont
Julie K. Smith ... Dr. Anderson / Jane Grabowski
Billy Chappell ... Shug
Rebecca Love ... Mandy
Angie Savage ... Lucy

Hard bodied wives are having sex issues. Can you guess who the doctor is they go to see for sexual healing? No, it's not me. It's Dr. Julie Smith with a degree in Tantric sexuality. She has healing hands and puts them to good use. She helps her patients come to grips with their fantasies. Since most humans fantasize about Julie Smith, she has just what they need to start performing with their partners. It's good to know that there are professionals out there who care about whether people get off or not. Julie Smith is here to help us all.

"Sexy Wives Sindrome" is another late night sex flick from Sam Pepperman. Oops, I mean Jim Wynorski. The man who never saw a blonde he didn't like. The man who cranks out skin flicks like he's trying to corner the market on late night cinema. The man who has nothing but contempt for his audience and films his movies as slipshod as he likes for there is no one to challenge him. Who's going to stop him? He's going to take over Cinemax one day. Well, at least the programming during the witching hour when the demons come out and they want to watch hot softcore action.

"Sexy Wives Sindrome" reminds us all on why we bother to watch Wynorski movies. The man loves Julie Smith and I have to respect that. I've said it before but I don't think it can be said enough. Julie Smith is amazing. If you're a breast man, (and I am!), she is a shining example of perfection. She's sexy, funny and has a body that will blow your mind. Yes, your mind will be blown. She has saved another Wynorski movie with her amazing body and carnal appetite. I'm not the first man to lust uncontrollably over Julie Smith and I won't be the last. She is easily the best element in softcore movies right now. Unless Sybil Danning makes a comeback, I don't see anyone usurping her.

In "Sexy Wives Sindrome" she has three sex scenes. The first one has her helping one of her female, (blonde), patients explore the full benefit of being under her care. The second has her banging a guy, (not blonde), in the exercise room. The third has her jumping in the hot tub with her female, (blonde of course), assistant so they can unwind after a hard day of discussing sexual fantasies. The sex scene with the guy is too goofy to enjoy, (they're using the gym equipment while going at it), but both scenes with the (blonde) women were great. Julie goes slow when she is with other women and takes her time with every lick and kiss. The meticulous attention to sapphic delights is appreciated.

There were some other things going on in "Sexy Wives Sindrome" but I wasn't too interested. Rebecca Love shows up for a couple of sex scenes but they didn't really stand out. There were some other random blonde women having sex but it didn't do much for me. The only one who can make any sense out of this late night affliction known as Sexy Wives Sindrome is Dr. Julie. She will remind you why watching softcore movies can be a beautiful thing.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 sexy Julie Sindromes

Rarrr!

"The Devil Wears Nada" review

2011-02-12T09:44:00.000-08:00

The Devil Wears Nada

Director: Jim Wynorski
Writer: Jim Wynorski

Christine Nguyen ... Candy Cane
Frankie Cullen
Beverly Lynne ... Miss Julia Crimson
Brandin Rackley ... Rebecca
Katy Magnuson
Franklin Pangborn III
Kevin Van Doorslaer
Lexi Belle

"The Devil Wears Nada" is about Jim Wynorski making money. I think Cinemax pays somewhere between $30K and $60K to rent the movie for their late night schedule. I'm sure Wynorski pockets all of it. I believe there is actually a shrine built to him in Cinemax's headquarters. Cinemax had to have a hot line installed so that they could stay in contact with him at all hours. Their late nights would be bare without his prolific softcore output.

"The Devil Wears Nada" is about Beverly Lynne torturing her assistants so that they'll get frustrated and have sex with each other. Christine Nguyen is the new girl and Brandin Rackley is the current assistant who has to train her. There's some intrigue and deviousness going on between Beverly and her assistants but I wasn't too interested. The plot breaks between sex scenes gave me some time to get some sleep before the next one started up. I could actually hear Wynorski snoring off camera during the dialogue scenes as well. I was as interested in the plot as he was.

When it comes to softcore movies, the key to success is casting. Actually, the key is making sure that the right cast members are dry humping each other. I'm a big believer in chemistry. Some people click on screen with their partner and others seem dazed and confused as to why they have to fondle a person they're not attracted to. "The Devil Wears Nada" showcases two extreme examples of bad chemistry and good chemistry.

When I saw that Beverly Lynne was in this movie, I got excited. She can be fun to watch as she struts through the softcore motions. Beverly has one sex scene in the movie. She takes Christine Nguyen into the shower for some tender lovemaking. This scene held infinite promise. These are two very experienced performers in the art of lesbian lovemaking. Surely, they would generate some heat in the shower.

But alas, this turned out to be an example of bad chemistry. So very bad. This sex scene was a disaster. Beverly and Christine were not into it on any level. They merely shifted their weight back and forth in the shower and prayed for Wynorski to yell cut. So now we know that Beverly Lynne and Christine Nguyen should never be in a sex scene again. How heartbroken I was.

Just when all hope was lost, Christine meets Brandin Rackley. Brandin sees that Christine is tense, (must be from the unfulfilling shower scene), and leads her to a bathtub. They engage in a sex scene which shows us the perfect example of good chemistry. What I'm trying to say is, it's freaking hot! Christine and Brandin are all over each other in a great lesbian sex scene. The kissing, the breast licking, it's all here. Wynorski should take it as a personal triumph that he put these two together. It is the highlight of the movie.

There are plenty of other sex scenes to distract you from the meaningless plot. Most of these scenes are decent but nothing exceptional. There are three different scenes of blonde women standing by a pool and making out with each other. Do you think Wynorski has a type? Could it be blonde women with large breasts? So remember ladies, if you want Wynorski to spend some of his vast softcore fortune on you, be blonde and busty. He can't resist.

"The Devil wears Nada" has one great sex scene, some filler scenes with a menagerie of blonde women and a bummer of a Beverly Lynne scene. But Christine and Brandin's makeout session in the bathtub makes the movie worth seeing. It is a great softcore scene which I hope will inspire future Nguyen/Rackley scenes. Just like Wynorski and a pile of money, putting the two together can be a powerful combination.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 hot blonde devils
Oh Christine. The Devil wears pigtails.

"I Am Virgin" review

2011-02-05T20:14:00.000-08:00

I Am Virgin

Director: Sean Skelding
Writers: Sean Skelding David Wester

Melinda Ausserer ... Female Vampire 1
Hank Cartwright ... Dad
Jamison Challeen ... Newscaster 2
Amber Chase ... Porn Store Vampire 3
Adam Elliott Davis ... Robby
Nick Dent ... Porn Store Vampire 2
Lilith Eve ... Warehouse Vampire 1
Jessica Jackson ... Vampire
Ron Jeremy ... Paul
Zuzzie Kapas ... Vampire Nurse
Jennifer Loomis ... Vampire Bartender

Vampires are loose in the world and they're having sex. Robby is trying to survive as the last virgin on Earth. He's surrounded by undead nymphomaniacs and he still can't get laid. Robby sits by his computer all day lamenting about his current state of virginity. So to ease his mind he heads out into the world to take a peek at how the other half copulates. Everywhere Robby goes there is an orgy in process. Robby is a confused virgin and just likes to watch sex scenes play themselves out over and over again. Ron Jeremy shows up to tell Robby to quit whining and pop the cherry already. Even Jeremy can't steer Robby off the path of dedicated voyeurism.

I rented "I am Virgin" under the assumption that it was a spoof of "I am Legend". I was waiting for Robby to take out the shotgun and blast the horny vampires into oblivion. I waited and waited but Robby was too lame to do anything. Instead I got to see Robby run around town with his trusted Basset hound so he could watch various women with tattoos make sweet vampire love.

"I am Virgin" is a pointless movie. Although if the point of the movie was to show softcore sex scenes wrapped around a whiney virgin then mission accomplished. I have been known to enjoy a softcore movie or two, (or three), so there were parts of the movie I liked. In fact, the first sex scene that Robby stumbles upon has three vampire women making out with each other. I found this scene to be quite enjoyable. They made the post apocalyptic world look pretty good. But then Robby freezes at the end and runs away.

That basically sums up the problem with this movie. Robby does nothing. Nothing! He must have watched five or six sex scenes unfold. While they had their arousing moments, Robby should have gotten a little more involved in the movie. Like, oh I don't know, kill the vampires maybe? Perhaps indulge in some vampiric foreplay before running for his life? Robby should have fought valiantly to hold onto his precious virginity instead of bolting like a scared rabbit at the sight of humping vamps.

"I am Virgin" has a lot of softcore sex scenes and a running scared virgin. That's about it. The sex scenes are not good enough to recommend a viewing but they do manage to save "I am Virgin" from B-movie oblivion. Ron Jeremy shows up to laugh in Robby's face for staying a virgin. He probably should have lectured Robby a little harder about the perils of staying pure in an insane world. It would have made for a more interesting movie.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 virgin killers

"Gingerdead Man 2: Passion of the Crust" review

2011-02-03T09:20:00.000-08:00

Gingerdead Man 2: Passion of the Crust (2008)

Director: Silvia St. Croix
Writers: Muffy Bolding William Butler

Michelle Bauer ... Polly Bunderhoof
Bruce Dent ... Ricki Johnson
Travis Dixon ... Lieutenant Grant
Junie Hoang ... Ensign del Rio
K-von ... Kelvin
Frank Nicotero ... Marty
Joseph Porter ... Tommy Hines
Kelsey Sanders ... Heather
Jon Southwell ... Jake Jackson
John Vulich ... Gingerdead Man / Makeup Effects Guy #4

The Gingerdead Man is back and he's on a B-movie set. Somehow he ends up in a bakery box and is served to the crew by Michelle Bauer. She's working craft services and she looks amazing. The Gingerdead man needs to resurrect himself so he decides that slicing and dicing some B-movie people will do the trick. Meanwhile, a dying "kid" is granted a last dying wish. He wishes to tour a B-movie set and the owner is happy to oblige. The owner defends his movie making craft vigorously to the "kid" as they tour the shambles of the studio. Many exploitation movie in-jokes follow as the Gingerdead Man goes about his business of ruining another B-movie.

You may ask yourself how a movie about a killer gingerbread man can go so wrong. But I think a better question to ask is how can a movie about a killer gingerbread man go right? If you were punished into making a "Gingerdead Man" sequel, what could you do? We know these movies aren't meant to be scary. There isn't any chance of real horror showing up in these movies. So the only saving grace "Gingerdead Man" could possibly have is to be funny. You need a funny cookie monster. The movie sinks or swims on how amusing the Gingerdead man can be.

So since the movie depends on a possessed cookie entertaining you, it must inevitably fail. I didn't laugh once at the Gingerdead man and his Gingerdead attempts at comedy. In fact, I'd like to take the Gingerdead man by his feet and dunk him headfirst in milk until the little milk bubbles stop gurgling up from his mouth. Then I would take a bite out of his Gingerdead head and laugh maniacally as I chug the milk down.

All scenes with the Gingerdead Man are pointless and idiotic. Here's the Gingerdead Man's M.O.: He stalks a member of the crew, kills them while spouting terrible dialogue, there's a little blood, repeat. It gets very tedious watching this cookie puppet pretend to be a psycho killer. The fast forward button was calling my name but I hung in there and watched all of his monster antics. It wasn't worth it.

I believe the filmmakers also knew that the Gingerdead Man is incapable of providing any entertainment so they spent most of the movie focusing on the owner of the studio. His witty repartee, (note sarcasm), with the dying "kid" becomes the highlight of the film. The "kid" turns out to be a rabid B-movie fan who writes a blog and has been bashing the owner's movies on the internet. But all he really wants to do, naturally, is grovel at the B-movie makers feet. He has an orgasm at the mere thought of working for him. You know how those reviewers are. I suspect the filmmakers knew they were going to get slammed for this movie and wanted to jab any future, (and past for that matter), reviewers of their product. It's all in good fun. Except when the Gingerdead Man shows up. That's no fun at all.

The only thing positive I can say about "Gingerdead Man 2" is that Michelle Bauer is in it. She was the real highlight of the movie. She is hot as always and makes me wish there was more, so much more, of her in this movie. Every time I see her, I wish she was in more B-movies. On the other hand, I wish the Gingerdead Man was in fewer B-movies. So much fewer. As in none at all. I want this cookie to crumble.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 cookie monsters

Here's something good in "Gingerdead Man 2:" The Passion for more Bauer

"Batbabe: The Dark Nightie" review

2011-02-01T21:26:00.000-08:00

Batbabe: The Dark Nightie

Director: John Bacchus
Writers: John Bacchus Michael Raso

Darian Caine ... Wendy Wane / BatBabe
Robert Mandara ... The Jerker
Molly Heartbreaker ... Henrietta Bent
Jackie Stevens ... Rachel Balls
Clancy Fitzsimmons ... Commissioner Boredom
Andrea Jaxx ... Nude Cyclist
Ruby Larocca ... Pool Girl 1
Sierra Dream ... Pool Girl 2

I was feeling nostalgic. That's my excuse. I was thinking back to the old softcore days and nights of Julian Wells and A.J. Khan. Reminiscing on the Golden Years of Seduction Cinema. I wondered what those cheap filmmakers were up to these days. Had they found any suitable replacements for Ms. Wells and Khan? What does the current crop of Seduction Cinema women have to offer? I decided that "Batbabe: the Dark Nightie" had the greatest chance of showcasing Seduction Cinema's finest.

"Batbabe" is about Batbabe. A babe who dresses like a bat. She's a stripper by day and BatBabe by night. Actually she strips at night and hangs out as BatBabe during the day as well. She's very busy. Anyway, her arch enemy is the evil Jerker. Jerker is a madman who wants to steal all of the porno in the city so the citizens will go crazy with lust. He's hoping for a semen flood which will fill the streets with sticky vengeance. Batbabe won't stand for this ejaculating injustice. Batbabe beats up a bunch of people, manages to get involved in some facsimiles of sex scenes, and the Jerker jerks it all movie long. At least he had fun.

I can tell you one thing about "Batbabe". The Jerker was successful in stealing the porno from the city. In fact, he was so successful he managed to steal it right out of this movie. Amazingly, "Batbabe" doesn't have one good sex scene. Not one scene to linger over and enjoy. Not one lousy, stinking sex scene to jerk it like the Jerker would. There isn't anything to recommend, commend or even talk about in regards to this film.

After suffering through "Batbabe", I'm reminded why I don't bother with Seduction Cinema anymore. The glory days are over. Their current group of ladies does not measure up to the mighty Julian Wells and AJ Khan. All of these women look like they took the day off from the strip club so they could be filmed fumbling through a half hearted sex scene. Only Darian Caine, (Batbabe), remains from the Misty Mundae days. She does what she can but even she can't manage to add any excitement to this softcore dud.

I was very tempted to throw "Batbabe" into the Landfill. It was so close to Landfill glory. But "Batbabe" does have a lot of nudity so I have to give it one point for that. But that's the only thing that saves it from the garbage dump. Do yourself a favor and skip this one. Check out "Seduction of Misty Mundae" for Seduction Cinema satisfaction. Don't let the Jerker spooge on you.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 Batbabes

"Girl with the Sex-Ray Eyes" review

2011-01-08T09:08:00.000-08:00

Girl with the Sex-Ray Eyes

Director: Fred Olen Ray
Writer: Fred Olen Ray

Nicole Sheridan ... Taffy
Brad Bartram ... Agent Richardson
Voodoo ... Eddie (as Alexandre Boisvert)
Shannon Kelly ... Mao Myx
Evan Stone ... Vargas
Daisy ... Massage Girl (as Daisy Marie)
Christine Nguyen ... Kelly

Secret government X-ray glasses have fallen into the hands of a stripper. Nicole Sheridan and her moronic boyfriend see a potential gold mine with their new found treasure. While a government agent hunts them down, they hit the road to Vegas so that they can have sex with Christine Nguyen. But secret X-Ray glasses are too powerful to leave in the hands of strippers so a large breasted woman, (Shannon Kelly), steals them back. Even with all of the nefarious wheeling and dealing going on, Shannon still finds time to have sex with her male and female assistants. It's good to see that she has a healthy work/life balance. It all ends in a goofy scene with a fake Sheik, Sheridan in her "Erotic Dreams of Jeannie" outfit and a fight sequence to rival the best Hollywood action scenes.

"Girl with the Sex-Ray Eyes" is yet another Fred Olen Ray softcore flick. You have to give the guy some credit for his prolific output. The Cinemax machine is hungry and he feeds it regularly. Besides his usual cast, (Sheridan, Nguyen, the guys), he's added three adult film stars. Demi Delia, Shannon Kelly and Daisy Marie all show up to add a little variety to the softcore action. It's always nice to see some new faces. And new bodies.

As for the new cast members, Delia's two sex scenes didn't do much for me. She starts the movie off banging the government agent for some X-ray payoff money. Her second sex scene has her in prison with a goofy goggle-wearing guy. Both were fair scenes but they didn't thrill me. Shannon Kelly has a sex scene with the same goggle-wearing goofball that falls flat. Maybe Ray should refrain from showing sex scenes with guys wearing eye protection. It's a distraction from the ladies.

But Shannon's last sex scene is the obvious winner. She unwinds with her masseuse after a rubdown. Daisy Marie has one line in the movie, "Can you turn over for me please?" Once you hear that line, you'll know that you're heading towards a great lesbian sex scene. What makes a lesbian sex scene great you ask? Lots of tongue and nipple play. This is the essence of softcore lesbian sex. After an abundance of breast licking, it all leads to the most mysterious of lesbian activity. The tribbing! I love to see that. Man wasn't meant to know what that does for ladies but we know that they like it. Although someone once described the sensation for me. Two words: Suction cups. That's all I'll say.

There's another good sex scene between Nicole Sheridan and Christine Nguyen. Christine also has a breast fetish, (like me), and I enjoy seeing her jump at the chance to play with Nicole's twins. Overall, "Girl with the Sex-Ray Eyes" is a standard Fred Olen Ray flick with a really good lesbian scene at the end. The plot is unimportant, the jokes are terrible, but the sex scenes save the day once again. If it's on cable one night, (and it will be), it's worth a look.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 full body massages

"Sigma Die!" review

2011-01-07T09:19:00.000-08:00

Sigma Die! (2007)

Director: Michael Hoffman Jr.
Writer: Meghan Jones

Joe Estevez ... Officer Brubek
Reggie Bannister ... Chief Moorhouse
Brinke Stevens ... Mrs. Angleman
Aly Hartman ... Jamie
Christian Anderson ... Zach
Heather Zagone ... Linda
Nikie Zambo ... PJ

A bunch of Zeta girls decide to rent a cabin for a party. Some guys show up to drink beer, dance around and be as obnoxious as possible. A killer is stalking the Zeta girls. Could it be the caretakers of the cabin? Could Brinke Stevens be involved in the tragic killings of Zeta girls and guys? Does a panty raid from 20 years ago have any bearings on this cheap party going on in the woods? And what are Joe Estevez and Reggie Bannister doing in this movie? "Sigma Die!" poses these and other questions that are just not worth answering.

Sorority girls flash their breasts and die as "Sigma Die!" grinds on down the path to B-movie oblivion. It's another annoying slasher movie that didn't need to get made yet somehow found the money to bring itself to life. I rented it in the hopes that Brinke Stevens could give it some of that B-movie magic she does so well. Alas, it was not to be. The Zeta girls and guys dominated the movie in performances I can only describe as irritating. Although grating might be another word I could use to describe their collective efforts. "Sigma Die!" needed Zetas to be dying quicker than they were so we could get back to Brinke. Or at least linger on them dying so I could feel a little better about sitting through this movie.

But "Sigma Die!" makes a special effort to make sure that the viewer is really annoyed by the movie. At about the half hour mark the movie actually repeats itself to show the first fifteen minutes again. It literally shows the same scenes that you had just watched so you can really be aggravated at the Zeta's party scenes. It was at this moment that the movie lost me. I mean, if it had rewound itself to show a Zeta girls orgy, that would be a different story. But instead I get to see the beer swilling teens swill some more beer. Will you people put down your beers and die already?

"Sigma Die!" can be skipped. There's not anything going on here that you haven't seen before. The only positive thing I can say about it is that it did have some naked Zetas and Brinke Stevens showed up for ten minutes or so. If you're looking for Brinke Stevens satisfaction, check out "Nightmare Sisters". Let "Sigma Die!" die somewhere else.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 dead Zetas

"Mutants" review

2011-01-06T09:09:00.000-08:00

Mutants (2009)

Director: David Morlet
Writers: Louis-Paul Desanges David Morlet

Hélène de Fougerolles ... Sonia
Francis Renaud ... Marco
Dida Diafat ... Virgile (as Dida)
Marie-Sohna Conde ... Perez (as Marie-Sohna Condé)
Nicolas Briançon ... Franck
Luz Mandon ... Dany (as Luz Mando)

A virus has been unleashed and it's turning people into mutants. A couple makes their escape over snow covered mountains to an abandoned building. They hope to get picked up by a nearby army base that may have a cure for the zombie pandemic. The woman is unaffected by the virus while her boyfriend is slowly rotting away into a mutant. She tries desperately to halt the decaying of her companion. Trouble shows up when a gang of thugs follows the couple's distress call to their hiding spot. The gang also manages to attract a roving horde of zombies which further complicates the woman's attempt to control her foaming at the mouth lover.

"Mutants" is a French zombie movie that was spawned from the success of "28 Days Later". It doesn't take 28 days to become a zombie but we do get to watch the evolution of zombie transformation. "Mutants" starts off at a fast pace as an ambulance is speeding down the road trying to contain the zombie that has manifested itself inside the car. Eventually, they run into more zombies which leaves the paramedic's boyfriend infected. Once they make their way to the abandoned building, the movie slows down as love tries to conquer all by coming up with a cure for mutation.

It was at this point that I thought the movie was going to lose me. As the body horror progressed, so did the woman's love for her ailing man. But since this is a horror movie, love is never enough to stop the madness. The mutation continues as the group of thugs shows up with their zombie horde right behind them. Violence wins out again as thugs and zombies meet for the gory finale. This seems inevitable as all zombie movies need a raging horde of the undead to rampage over people eventually. One zombie is just not enough.

"Mutants" is a fast paced zombie flick that has some good gory moments and a few intense action scenes. It also shows us that people in love can go to extremes for each other. I certainly hope that if I'm ever infected with a zombie virus, I have a nurse like her to help me get through it. Although it didn't work out for the guy, at least she tried to stop her lover from becoming a decaying carcass. "Mutants" is worth a look.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 mutant boyfriends

"Housewives from Another World" review

2011-01-05T09:07:00.000-08:00

Housewives from Another World

Director: Fred Olen Ray
Writer: Fred Olen Ray

Heather Vandeven ... Karen
Christine Nguyen ... Carla
Rebecca Love ... Rita
Frankie Cullen ... Max

Space aliens have landed on Earth and they're horny. Heather Vandeven grabs a meteor fragment and transforms into a Housewife from Another World. She wants to explore this concept of what we humans call love. She hops into bed, (actually a couch), with her new husband and proceeds to have sex with him like she's been doing this all of her life. These aliens are quick learners. Heather enlists two more unwitting playmates into her nefarious scheme. Rebecca Love and Christine Nguyen get some space rocks tied around their necks which allows them to join the horny space sorority. The housewives are conspiring to stop a satellite from launching and some other unimportant things that don't have anything to do with softcore sex. Thankfully, their plan ultimately lives or dies on them getting naked. The alien babes won't let their home planet down. They go to great lengths to ensure there is nudity every five minutes and we're a better universe for it.

"Housewives from Another World" is yet another Fred Olen Ray late night sex flick in a long line of Fred Olen Ray late night sex flicks. It's pretty much the same cast doing the same things and telling the same lame jokes in between copious amounts of sex scenes. However, there is one important addition to the cast in this softcore adventure. Heather Vandeven, (Penthouse Pet of the Year Heather Vandeven. I know this because it has it plastered all over the DVD cover), gets added to the Fred Olen Ray rotation as the main extraterrestrial housewife. She is a fine addition. She has the body of a, well, Penthouse Pet of the Year. She's got the hair flip mastery of a Nikki Fritz and the hot, smoldering look of a Julian Wells. She's also quite talented in faking an orgasm. Oh what am I saying? She can't be faking it. I'm sure she loves having softcore sex with the cast so much that she just can't contain herself.

So "Housewives from Another World" becomes a showcase for Heather Vandeven and her sultry ways. In this respect, the movie is a success. I was completely convinced that Heather could seduce any man in about ten seconds after meeting him. There is one part of her sex repertoire that needs some work though. One sex scene has her taking Rebecca Love into the kitchen to teach her the ways of human love on counter tops. Heather seemed confused during this scene and was fumbling around a little too much. Fortunately, Rebecca Love took over and the scene turned out OK. Hopefully through practice, Heather can get better at these sapphic love scenes. Just remember, when doing a sex scene with Rebecca Love, spend as much time with her breasts as possible. Squeezing, licking, sucking, whatever you like, etc. It will turn out a winner for all involved.

"Housewives from Another World" has the usual amount of sex scenes and the obligatory solo shower scene. Most of the sex scenes are decent. Though I am getting slightly fatigued at watching the same performers get it on. There is only so much softcore fidelity I can handle. But Ray always manages to squeeze in one really good sex scene per movie and this time the clear winner is Rebecca Love and Christine Nguyen having sex on a couch. Heather sits this one out but sticks around to watch and get some pointers. At one point in the scene, Rebecca and Christine start rubbing each other out while Christine goes to work on Rebecca's nipples. It was amazing. This scene made me thankful I'm a man. A man who's watching two women rub each other out on Fred Olen Ray's couch. Heather was watching too and I hope she liked it as much as I did. I think we can all learn a thing or two from these innovative and sexually adventurous aliens.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Heather Housewives

"RoboGeisha" review

2011-01-04T09:03:00.000-08:00

RoboGeisha (2009)

Director: Noboru Iguchi
Writer: Noboru Iguchi

Naoto Takenaka ... Kanai
Yoshihiro Nishimura ... Yakuza's Boss
Asami ... Onna Tengu 1
Takumi Saitô ... Hikaru Kageno
Cay Izumi ... Onna Tengu 2
Aya Kiguchi ... Yoshie Kasuga
Suzuki Matsuo ... Tetsuma Gotokuji
Yûya Matsuura ... Killed Man

Two sisters are competing to see who can be the best RoboGeisha. They catch the eye of a wealthy businessman who wants to mold them into top assassins for his company. He has dreams of destroying Japan and needs the RoboGeishas to strike when the establishment least expects it. RoboGeishas need to be equipped with the latest in killing technology so he tricks them out with the basic assassin necessities. You know, like acid breast milk, machine gun nipples, circular saws coming out of their mouths and throwing stars, (or shurikens), out of their butts. When the madmen who created the RoboGeishas, (the filmmakers), go even more insane, a castle sprouts robotic legs, girls turn into tanks, sisters argue and fight some more and where oh where was beer when I needed it?

"RoboGeisha" is a goofy movie about wacky things that would have been a lot more fun if I had been drinking heavily. Instead I foolishly decided to try to follow along with the plot and see where the RoboGeishas took me. It was a mistake. "RoboGeisha" is all about (cheap) visual stimulation. You must learn to love elements like throwing stars flying out of girls butts. If you try to figure out why they bothered to create an army of RoboGeishas and yet fall back on their secret castle robot weapon, you've thought too much. Nothing good can come out of being sober while watching this film.

But how much love can one have for weapons flying out of girls butts? I ask this question seriously. Once you've seen the Robobabes use all of their body parts for advanced weaponry purposes, what else does this movie have? Not much I'm afraid. Instead we are treated to a story of sibling rivalry that made me wish I was pounding beers instead of listening to them whine. The blood effects rely too heavily on CGI which diminishes any harsh effects the Robogore could inflict.

And yet, the movie does have weapons springing out of girls butts. That has to be worth a little something. While "RoboGeisha" is not nearly as much fun as it could be, (or thinks it is), it does make the effort to show us all of the fantastic machinery that can be employed out of a girls butt. I grew tired of watching an endless parade of Robo attacks and was hoping the movie would hurry up and end. But if I had a six pack of beer by my side, I might have grown to love the Robo anal assaults. But alas, I was sober and needed the Robobutts to put a cork in it.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Robobutts

Robobreasts

RoboGeishas with Robobutts and Robobreasts.

"Doghouse" review

2011-01-03T09:46:00.000-08:00

Doghouse (2009)

Director: Jake West

Writer: Dan Schaffer

Danny Dyer ... Neil
Noel Clarke ... Mikey
Emil Marwa ... Graham
Lee Ingleby ... Matt
Keith-Lee Castle ... Patrick
Christina Cole ... Candy
Terry Stone ... Sergeant Gavin Wright
Neil Maskell ... Banksy
Emily Booth ... The Snipper
Stephen Graham ... Vince
Victoria Hopkins ... The Bride
Deborah Hyde ... The Barmaid
Nicola Jane Reading ... The Witch / Zombird Army - Nightgown

A bunch of guys head out to the country to get laid. They decide to ditch London and all of the women in their lives so that they can go pick up some new chicks. Or "Birds" in the vernacular of the English lads. One of their friends is going through a divorce and drinking some pints in the boondocks will certainly cheer him up. They charter a bus so that they can have a hot blonde haul them out there. When they get to the village, they are saddened to discover that all of the women have been transformed into bloodthirsty cannibals. The army has been experimenting on the town with a new chemical weapon that turns women into lethal killing machines. It was a raging success. Now the men have to do battle with the female zombie horde if they are going to survive the night.

"Doghouse" is a simple movie with only one thing on its devious mind. It wants to show us the joys of guys hanging out, drinking beer and killing women. Women who are psychotic cannibals but women nonetheless. Once the guys hit the country village, the rest of the movie becomes a game of survival as they run from house to house as zombirds close in on them. There are plenty of good gore scenes as limbs are removed and bodies are hacked up.

The men in "Doghouse" take their fear and resentment of women and channel it into homicidal rage as they attempt to destroy any zombird that gets in their path. "Doghouse" showcases all of the various ways one can mutilate a female zombie. There are women zombies dressed as a witch, a dentist, a barmaid and, (my favorite), a bride. Truly, these are scary archetypes of women. They could have used the teacher, the nurse and a zombie dressed as Wonder Woman to fill out the rest of the zombirds. Or are those porn archetypes? Either way, it would have been scary.

But "Doghouse" wants to keep the mood light amongst all of the carnage so it throws in a lame joke every now and then. I don't remember laughing too many times during the movie. In fact, I don't think I laughed at all. Horror/comedies are tricky and "Doghouse" doesn't quite get the comedy part of the equation right. However, as a goofy horror movie about killer zombirds, I had fun watching the war between the sexes break down into mass slaughter. "Doghouse" is worth a look.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 zombirds

"Seven Days" review

2011-01-02T09:30:00.000-08:00

Seven Days (2010)

Director: Daniel Grou
Writers: Patrick Senécal

Claude Legault ... Bruno Hamel
Rémy Girard ... Hervé Mercure
Martin Dubreuil ... Anthony Lemaire
Fanny Mallette ... Sylvie Hamel
Rose-Marie Coallier ... Jasmine Hamel
Alexandre Goyette ... Boisevert

A young girl is raped and murdered and her father wants revenge. The murderer turns out to be a simpering pedophile who delights in tormenting children. The father decides to harness his smoldering rage and use it for something productive. He stages an elaborate kidnaping plot so he can have his daughter's killer all to himself. He decides to hold the freak hostage for seven days so he can torture him and show him the error of his ways. The father is a doctor which comes in handy when you want your torture victim to survive his wounds. The cops want to find him before he kills the pedophile. They don't really want to rescue the psycho as much as they want to save the doctor before he becomes a killer too.

What do you do with a pedophile? Should you take him to a cabin in the woods for some uninterrupted vengeance? Is it wrong to bash a child killer over the head with a steel chain? Is it so terrible to take a sledgehammer to a scumbag's legs? What is real justice for these criminals? These are the questions "Seven Days" tries to answer.

"Seven Days" is a hybrid crime thriller/horror movie. The filmmakers are not shy about showing the horrific acts the doctor inflicts on the pedophile. There are severe beatings with chains, sledgehammer bashings, unnecessary surgeries, and the occasional strangulations. The doctor likes to spread out the torture over the seven days so the pedophile can stay alive until the end. He wants to kill him on his daughter's birthday. What a great present it will be for his dead baby girl.

But does vengeance help heal the psychological wounds inflicted by murder? Is there such a thing as closure? Or does it even matter? Why stop the revenge when it feels so good? The doctor gets too much of a good thing as all of the beatings and blood spilling start to take its toll on his mental health. He thought all of the extreme violence would make him feel better but it still won't bring back his baby.

Violence begets more violence which begets a pretty good movie about cold vengeance. "Seven Days" is an effective thriller about obsessive revenge. Is there any other kind of revenge? I enjoyed watching the doctor go about his business of dispensing justice to the sick freak. "Seven Days" is worth a look.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 tortured freaks

"Pig Hunt" review

2010-12-18T20:01:00.000-08:00

Pig Hunt (2008)

Director: James Isaac
Writers: Robert Mailer Anderson, Zack Anderson

Travis Aaron Wade ... John Hickman
Tina Huang ... Brooks
Howard Johnson Jr. ... Ben
Trevor Bullock ... Quincy
Rajiv Shah ... Wayne
Jason Foster ... Jake
Nick Tagas ... Ricky
Phillip K. Torretto ... Beer Belly Redneck

I was sitting next to a woman on an airplane when the conversation turned to pig hunting. She wanted to move back home to Washington D.C. but her husband really wanted to stay in Augusta, Georgia. I asked her what was in Augusta that her husband liked so much. "Well, he hunts wild pigs on the weekend." Really I said. I had no idea you could hunt pigs. They seemed very domesticated to me. "Oh, the pigs in the woods can kill you," she said. I asked her what kind of gun her husband used to hunt pigs. She looked at me like I was a complete idiot. "You don't use a gun to hunt pigs." Oh, so what does he use? "He uses a knife", she said. A knife? "Yes, a knife. He waits in the bushes until the pig gets real close. Then he jumps on their back and stabs them in the neck." OK, I said. This woman will never convince her husband to give up Augusta. When you're a man's man who slits pig's throats in the woods for fun, Washington DC just won't have the same appeal.

It was this story that was bouncing through my head while watching "Pig Hunt". A bunch of friends head up to a cabin to hunt pigs. While there, they learn about the legend of a giant boar that roams the woods. This mighty pig, (called the Ripper), may or may not have killed one of the guy's uncle. They go hunting through the woods, (with guns), and run into a lot of different things besides pigs. They cross paths with angry hillbillies, weird hippies and a cult of pig worshiping women. But the giant boar remains elusive until the bitter end in a movie that may or may not have been about pig hunting.

"Pig Hunt" seemed like a sure thing. A safe bet for an exploitation movie. When I saw the cover art showcasing a drooling pig standing on a pile of bones, I knew this movie was heading in the right direction. Then when I read the back of the DVD which promised a cult of lesbian women who worshiped the giant pig, I thought this movie was going to be pure sleaze genius. Just like most movies I watch, I went in with high hopes.

Alas, "Pig Hunt" did not deliver on it's grimy sleaze potential. The movie strains itself to show everything that could happen to some misguided hunters in the woods except for the most crucial aspect of pig hunting. They forgot to show the pig. Where's the pig? Why is he not ripping people to shreds every ten minutes? For that matter, where's the lesbian cult? Why aren't they kissing each other while riding wild pigs through the woods? Well, maybe that's asking too much. But there should have been a lot more pig hunting in "Pig Hunt".

Instead of scenes of monster pig carnage, we are treated to scene after scene of annoying rednecks taunting and attacking the hunters. Who cares about the stupid rednecks? This isn't "Deliverance with Pigs". This is "Pig Hunt". Bring on the lesbian pig cult! By the time they get around to showing the pig, the movie is almost over. The giant boar finally lumbers into view in the last fifteen minutes. The beast pants and wheezes his way through one last gory slaughter and then the hunt comes to an end.

"Pig Hunt" seemed like it would be an instant sleaze classic but instead it turned out to be another forgettable B-flick. It's an ambitious movie that tries to cram in a lot of different subjects but should have stuck to pig hunting. And real men don't hunt pigs with guns. That's what I've been told. "Pig Hunt" got that wrong too. Well, I guess these hunters were beginners so maybe they needed guns. Best to leave the real pig hunting to the experts.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 hogzillas

"Mega Snake" review

2010-12-06T20:35:00.000-08:00

Mega Snake (2007)

Director: Tibor Takács
Writers: Boaz Davidson Robby Robinson

Michael Shanks ... Les Daniels
Siri Baruc ... Erin
Michal Yannai ... Fay (as Michal Yanai)
Ben Cardinal ... Screaming Hawk
John T. Woods ... Duff Daniels
Todd Jensen ... Big Bo
Nick Harvey ... Cooley

The snake wrangling church needs a new snake to shake up their Sunday services. But why settle for a normal snake when you can have a mega snake? The pastor of the church heads over to a snake store run by a surly indian named Screaming Hawk. The mega snake is not for sale as it has many restrictions on ownership. Faster than you can say "Gremlins", Screaming Hawk lays out the three rules of proper mega snake handling. Don't let the snake out of the jar. Don't let it eat anything alive. And don't let it star in a B-movie. Naturally all of these rules are broken fairly quickly as the pastor steals the snake so that this movie can get started. Eventually the snake grows into a mystical beast that eats pretty much anything that gets in its path. So before the whole town gets digested as mega snake food, the bravest warriors band together to defeat this gluttonous CGI monster.

"Mega Snake" is a proud B-movie. An unashamed rip-off of worthier movies. "Gremlins" and "Anaconda" are the two main rip-offs. The mega snake has all the rules that a Mogwai has and its rules were meant to be broken. Actually, they have to be broken or there wouldn't be a movie. The snake can also move as quickly as the snake in "Anaconda". It's amazing that a snake that size can slither through the woods and still sneak up on people. There is also a lunkheaded mayor, (ripping off "Jaws"), who refuses to cancel the carnival even with a giant snake bearing down on it.

There are no surprises waiting for you in "Mega Snake". All of the cliches and B-movie moments that you would expect are here. Once the mega snake has found his way out of the jar, the rest of the movie becomes a seemingly never ending series of snake attacks. There are the two country bumpkins who decide to hunt the snake themselves leading to predictably disastrous results. There is a scene where the snake tears his way through the carnival leaving headless bodies in his wake. There are so many scenes of unrestrained snake violence that I'm having trouble remembering them all. It was a snake orgy of gore.

But even though "Mega Snake" played out exactly as I knew it would, I still find myself being mildly entertained by it all. "Mega Snake" didn't promise me the world and I wasn't expecting it. It promised me a mega snake and that's exactly what it gave me. So if you're an undemanding lover of giant snake movies, you'll find something to like in "Mega Snake". If not, you can leave this mega snake in his jar. And don't feed him after midnight. Or get him wet. Or am I thinking of a better movie?

SCORE: 2 out of 4 mega snake skins

Don't feed the mega snake.

"30 Days of Night: Dark Days" review

2010-12-05T22:06:00.000-08:00

30 Days of Night: Dark Days (2010)

Director: Ben Ketai
Writers: Steve Niles Ben Ketai

Kiele Sanchez ... Stella
Rhys Coiro ... Paul
Diora Baird ... Amber
Harold Perrineau ... Todd
Mia Kirshner ... Lilith

One of the survivors from the first "30 Days of Night" comes back for the sequel. She decides to leave the death and destruction of Alaska for the peaceful confines of Los Angeles. She is giving a series of lectures on how to spot a vampire when a few vampires show up. Luckily she has her ultraviolet lights handy so that she can fry any undead audience members. Her homicidal lecture catches the attention of a handful of L.A. vampire hunters who want her to join them on a quest to kill Lilith, (Mia Kirshner), the vampire queen. She is skeptical of their Lilith-killing abilities but decides to join anyway since she wasn't really all that busy. She was right to doubt their vampire hunting skills as this group seems pretty intent on committing suicide. Their strategy seems to be to attack the vampires in the darkest places imaginable. They're either charging into pitch black sewers or invading ships in the middle of the night in a quest to get their throats ripped open. It doesn't quite take 30 days of night to find Lilith but there are a few dark days along the way.

I saw "30 Days of Night" in the theater and I remember enjoying it. I don't remember too many details of the first movie but I do remember liking the gimmick of there not being any sunlight to save the vampire killers. Hence, 30 Days of Night. Now along comes the sequel that not only ditches the Alaska setting but uses the sunlight to waste many vampires.

"30 Days of Night: Dark Days" is a sequel in name only. It doesn't bring back anything that was cool or interesting about the first movie. Instead we are left with a run of the mill B-vampire flick with a lot of bullets flying and gushing neck wounds. I'm left to wonder why they bothered to make this movie if they weren't going to at least try to resemble a rough facsimile of a sequel. Well, I guess it might be considered a rough facsimile. There are vampires after all. That's about all it has in common with the first movie.

So the vampire hunters charge ahead and kill many vampires. That pretty much sums up the movie. The only thing interesting about "30 Days of Night: Dark Days" is Mia Kirchner. She has a great vampire queen look that makes me want to join her undead clan and bow to her commands. The rest of the cast goes through the B-movie motions and waits patiently for the movie to end so that they can get paid.

So if you liked the original "30 Days of Night", you might want to let this cheap knock-off go. It can only sully the memory. But if you're not picky about your vampire thrills, you might find something worth watching in "30 Days of Night: Dark Days". Some blood, some guts, some Mia Kirchner etc. A little Queen Mia may go a long way.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Liliths

Queen Mia

"Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl" review

2010-12-04T21:20:00.000-08:00

Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl (2009)

Directors: Yoshihiro Nishimura, Naoyuki Tomomatsu
Writers: Naoyuki Tomomatsu Shungiku Uchida

Yukie Kawamura ... Monami / Vampire Girl
Takumi Saitô ... Jyugon Mizushima
Eri Otoguro ... Keiko / Frankenstein Girl
Sayaka Kametani ... Midori

Vampire Girl needs love. She transfers to a new high school and immediately sets her sights on the most popular girl's boyfriend. She decides to seal their relationship by giving him a gift of tainted chocolate. Instead of a creamy filling, Vampire Girl puts a generous portion of her blood in the treat. Now Vampire Girl is bonded with her new boyfriend forever. But the popular girl will not stand for this insult. She attacks Vampire Girl only to end up having her entire body broken into pieces. But never fear for her mad scientist father has found a way to stitch her back together so that she can become Frankenstein Girl. It all ends in an orgy of gore as the two girls have it out for their blood splattered true love.

Love comes in many forms. Sometimes it's in the neck sucking embrace of a Vampire Girl. Other times, it's in the crushing bear hug of a Frankenstein Girl. And still other times, there is the love of watching limbs and body fluids fly through the air. This is the true love that manifests itself in "Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl".

You know what this movie needed? More blood! Oh sure, every other scene did have gallons of blood pouring out of various hacked arms and legs. And there were many decapitated heads with the usual amount of blood shooting out of necks like an oil geyser. Come to think of it, there was a clique of girls who got off on cutting their wrists which led to more blood spurting. OK. So maybe there was enough blood in "Vampire Girl vs Frankenstein Girl".

While there is enough blood in the movie to create a raging river, it's missing the other key ingredient in the exploitation movie mix. There is no nudity in "Vampire Girl vs Frankenstein Girl". I don't mind telling you I was expecting a little more action between the two monster girls. A monster mash if you will. Frankenstein Girl even had a hot entourage who followed her around in school and in their after life as zombies. As nutty as this movie is, it saddens me that it didn't return to sanity long enough to utilize their hot women for something other than massive blood loss. Oh well.

"Vampire Girl vs Frankenstein Girl" is a kooky movie about blood, love, gore and the joys of dating blood lusting girls. It has more than enough bloodshed to make horror fans happy. But it's all done for demented laughs as true love rages in high school. Sometimes the movie gets a little too nutty. There are many scenes, (actually the whole movie), that you'll look at sideways, shrug your shoulders and wait patiently for the next severed head to fall on the floor. It won't take too long.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 flesh wounds

Blood gushing true love

"The Human Centipede (First Sequence)" review

2010-11-20T00:00:00.000-08:00

The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2009)

Director: Tom Six
Writer: Tom Six

Dieter Laser ... Dr. Heiter
Ashley C. Williams ... Lindsay
Ashlynn Yennie ... Jenny
Akihiro Kitamura ... Katsuro
Andreas Leupold ... Det. Kranz
Peter Blankenstein ... Det. Voller

A man has a dream. A dream to show lesser mortals how to play God. He was known as a genius in the art of separating Siamese twins but he grew bored with the adulation. Now he envisions a world where people are joined together from anus to mouth. The Human Centipede dream. Truly, the noblest of human endeavors. In order to accomplish this miracle of science, he must find some very unwilling test subjects. Fortunately for him, two hot female tourists show up at his doorstep for anus/mouth arrangement in the secret laboratory. He grabs an Asian man from who knows where to round out the centipede. Will he win the Nobel Prize? Can this madman be stopped? And how does the middle segment of the Centipede eat? These and other questions will bounce through your mind as you watch the horror of centipede building unfold.

"Human Centipede" is a freak show. It is designed to get the filmmakers noticed for their sick and inventive ways of descrating the human body. This is a warped movie that takes great delight in showcasing unique human suffering. After watching the magic of centipede construction I have to tell you that I thoroughly enjoyed this fine film.

Oh, "Human Centipede". Where have you been all my life? I was smiling and laughing from beginning to end. The first scene in the movie has the mad scientist gazing longingly at a picture of two dogs getting extra close to each other. Right away, "Human Centipede" tells you where it is heading. The path it is on will take you to a disturbing exploitation movie.

When you watch a horror movie called "Human Centipede", there has to be a payoff scene that explictly delivers on the insanity the mad doctor is preaching. After a tense buildup, the doctor finally goes about achieving his dream. Asses and mouths are cut to the proper size but there is no shot of the doctor actually sewing the two together. Actually, maybe it's better that they neglected to show that. That's more of a private moment between doctor and patient.

Once the mighty human centipede is stitched together, the rest of the movie becomes an S&M horror show as the doctor enjoys disciplining his new creature. Why does the doctor enjoy hurting people so much? How does a man even come up with the idea of making someone give a permanent rim job? Alas, these questions won't be answered. It is not our place to know. The inner workings of the mad scientist will not be constricted by conventual morality. Or any morality for that matter. We can only observe his madness in action.

"Human Centipede" was the sick horror flick I was looking for. There's just enough gore, blood and twisted scenes to make even a jaded horror fan cringe. Certainly, it is not a movie for everyone but if you're in the mood for something harsh, "Human Centipede" will deliver the sick thrills.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 human centipedes

Nasty business being a centipede

"Bikini Jones and the Temple of Eros" review

2010-10-30T18:55:00.000-07:00

Bikini Jones and the Temple of Eros

Director: Fred Olen Ray

Christine Nguyen ... Dr. Jones
Heather Vandeven ... Evilla Cruella
Frankie Cullen ... Drago
Billy Chappell ... Mark X (as Tony Marino)
Rebecca Love ... Carol
Brynn Tyler ... Security guard
Jayden Cole ... Girl

So I've been very sick lately. I had to have emergency abdominal surgery. I won't go into the gory details but let's just say blood was spilled and guts were shifted around. I was laid low for about four weeks and am just now starting to come out of it. I had to practice walking again along with such important tasks as cooking for myself while wounded, (I can make some mean scrambled eggs now). As I started to emerge from my pain-filled Vicodin haze, I realized I needed some alternative medicine to help me crawl back to the land of the living. What doctor had the cure I so desperately craved?

It's with this mindset that I watched "Bikini Jones and the Temple of Eros". Dr. Jones, (Christine Nguyen), just might be the doctor I've been looking for. Christine is a prolific performer in these late night sex movies and has been good to me in the past. I needed her healing powers now.

"Bikini Jones and the Temple of Eros" is about Dr. Jones and her manic need to get naked. She is on a mission to find an idol or a temple or something. She starts the movie off in a maid's outfit which can only lead to sex. Sure enough, a blond security guard and Christine decide to consummate their five minute relationship on top of a desk. Later, Christine gets naked again as she takes a long shower in order to cool down from all of her carnal activities. Christine doesn't even have time to dry off before Special Agent Rebecca Love shows up for yet another lesbian scene. Then the movie goes through the standard softcore motions as all of the actors take turns switching partners until everyone is sexually satiated and Dr. Jones has saved the world.

Christine Nguyen deserves special mention for healing my pain in my darkest hours. Her first two lesbian scenes are the best in the movie and gave me hope when I was down. The first scene was good with plenty of kissing and breast licking. But it's the scene with Rebecca Love which really had a profound effect on me. I think Christine Nguyen may be as much of a breast lover as I am. Finally, Rebecca Love had a sex partner who appreciates her heaving breasts as much as I do. This scene was magical and I thank Dr. Jones for being such an enthusiastic performer.

"Bikini Jones and the Temple of Eros" is a standard late night softcore movie. Fred Olen Ray and his band of co-conspirators have crafted yet another watchable flick. The first two sex scenes are the only ones worth mentioning as Dr. Jones makes sweet love to some beautiful women. The rest of the sex scenes go through the motions without causing too much excitement. So if you're up late one night and recovering from life saving surgery, Dr. Nguyen may be able to help you live again with her soothing bedside manner.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Dr. Nguyens

"Sex, Secrets and Lies 2" review

2010-09-20T08:05:00.000-07:00

Sex, Secrets and Lies 2 (2002)

AKA Wicked Temptations

Director: Eric Gibson
Writer: Thomas K. Nash

Monique Parent ... Samantha 'Sam' Sharpe (as Scarlet Johansing)
Keri Windsor ... Audrey Hunt / Marcy Snavely
Frank Harper ... Robert Lydekker (as Chip Albers)
Daniel Anderson ... Karl Ericcson (as Dan Anderson)
Tess Broussard ... Mary
T.J. Hart ... Laura Lydekker
Angelica Sin ... Cheryl Cross
Wanda Curtis ... Abby

Monique Parent is a hard nosed, hard bodied detective. She has been hired to find out who murdered a business man's wife. I think. Pretty sure that's what she was doing. She ends up in dangerous situations that only her beguiling female charm can get her out of. It seems like some nefarious types are trying to prevent her from having her usual amount of softcore sex. Monique's enemies are everywhere as they try to keep this late night thriller as monotonous as possible.

I rented "Sex Secrets and Lies 2" because I was under the (mistaken) impression that it was somehow related to the great softcore flick "Sex Secrets and Betrayals". (One of Nikki Fritz's hottest late night movies, a 4 out of 4 masterpiece. Check it out for softcore satisfaction.) But "Sex Secrets and Lies 2" is nowhere near the high quality of Fritz's movie. Oh, it has some secrets. And there are a few lies too. But the sex is lacking. And when I say lacking, I mean it was pathetic.

Good Lord. Were they actually trying to make a detective thriller? How dare Monique try to act? I can appreciate some professionalism in these movies but Monique should know better than to allow herself to remain fully clothed for any inordinate amount of time. She marches from crime scene to crime scene under the mistaken impression that anyone cares whether this case gets solved. The only burning question on my mind was whether or not there was going to be a sex scene between her and Keri Windsor.

There they were. Alone in a hotel room. Monique had a gun on her. She was telling Keri how the jig was up. The mood was right for some angry sex. But the filmmakers decided it would be more exciting if they kept their clothes on. I suppose they could argue that it would be "out of character" for Monique to just rip her blouse off and start making out with wanted fugitive Keri. But then I would counter that any character in a softcore movie that doesn't feel the need to have spontaneous sex is out of character.

So hopes were dashed. Hearts were broken. Tears fell on my remote control. "Sex Secrets and Lies 2" was stuffed into an envelope and sent on it's way to be never seen again. There are a few naked women to watch along the way but it's just not worth it. "Sex Secrets and Lies 2" can be skipped.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 hard bodied detectives

"Last House on the Beach" review

2010-09-07T08:46:00.000-07:00

Last House on the Beach (1978)

AKA La settima donna

Director: Franco Prosperi
Writers: Ettore Sanzò Romano Migliorini Gianbattista Mussetto

Florinda Bolkan ... Sister Cristina
Ray Lovelock ... Aldo
Flavio Andreini ... Walter
Sherry Buchanan ... Lisa
Stefano Cedrati ... Nino
Laura Tanziani

Three psychotic cretins break into a house so that they can lay low for awhile. Their car broke down while they were escaping from a bank robbery and they need some time to regroup. Little did the thieves know that there are a half dozen Catholic school girls and their nun chaperone staying in the house. The men decide to take advantage of this classic exploitation movie setting and terrorize the innocent victims until they push the meek women to the breaking point.

I rented "Last House on the Beach" because it seemed to be another sleazy Italian exploitation movie. I've seen my fair share of the genre but had never heard of this movie before. It has all the elements necessary to make a nasty flick. It has the innocent schoolgirls, (with a crucifix over each bed so you know that they're pure). It has a nun, (one scene has the psychos stripping the nun out of her normal clothes so that she'll put on her official nun outfit. You can't be a nun without looking the part.) It has three rapists with raging libidos and no morals. Mix it all together and you have the makings of a sleazy time down by the beach.

But "Last House on the Beach" turns out to be relatively tame when compared to the harsher entries in this particular genre. There's a reason I've never heard of it. I was hoping to be surprised by a hidden gem but it turns out the filmmakers just didn't have the heart to go all the way with their exploitation premise.

Somehow the filmmakers manage to tone down every sleazy scene just when it should be getting rougher. We know that the psychos won't manage to keep their hands off of their captives. We are expecting to see scenes of horror unfold for these hostages. But the filmmakers cannot bring themselves to show any outrageous exploitation scenes. None of the violent scenes are memorable and any nudity shown is brief.

Although "Last House on the Beach" does have a few nasty moments, they are brief and quickly forgotten. If you're looking for a harsh exploitation movie where people are held against their will, check out "The House on the Edge of the Park". It remains the gold standard for this particular genre. "Last House on the Beach" is just not sleazy enough to warrant a viewing. Some scenes start strong but then the filmmakers decide to let the violence happen off camera. Exploitation movies should never have the violence happening off camera. Tasteful decisions are fatal for exploitation movies. "Last House on the Beach" can be skipped.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Catholic high school girls in trouble

"Busty Cops and the Jewel of Denial" review

2010-09-06T11:56:00.000-07:00

Busty Cops and the Jewel of Denial (2010)

Director: Jim Wynorski
Writers: Chris De Christopher, Mark Weiler

Nikki Jayne ... Busty Cop
Tory Lane ... Busty Cop
Kaylani Lei ... Other
Amy Reid ... Busty Cop

The Busty Cops are back in action. This time they have to help the quaint, humble island natives who are in danger of losing their sacred statue of perpetual orgasms. They fly to Hawaii so that they can have as much sex as possible before solving the case. The Busty Cops manage to get naked with every person they find and still have the stamina to tell outrageously terrible jokes. It all ends in complete debauchery as the busty cops have copious amounts of sex on the beach while various dirty blondes dance and fornicate to celebrate their carnal exploits.

The frequent flyer miles were stacking up on Wynorksi's credit card so it was time to make another "Busty Cops" movie. He flew the cast out, (economy class), and told them to do something interesting whenever it seemed like the camera was rolling. Wynorski was too busy chugging Mai Tai's and Pina Colada's to care. The men in this movie are most likely Wynorski's drinking buddies. They had to pay their own travel expenses but were compensated with sex scenes and all the Macadamia nuts they could eat. Actually, it makes a pretty good argument for being his drinking buddy.

So the Busty Cops are back but Wynorski forgot to bring along his best one. Where is Nikki Nova? She captures the voluptuous essence of being a Busty Cop but she is nowhere in sight. In fact, with the exception of Tory Lane, this is definitely the B-team of Busty Cops. None of these women are memorable. It is one anonymous blonde after another having softcore sex in the sand until Wynorski wakes up long enough to get them to stop.

But Wynorski manages to do a few things right and one of them was bringing along Tory Lane to romp in the sand. She is amazing. Tory Lane saves this movie from oblivion. She has a pretty nice three-way scene at the beginning of the movie with her fellow busty cops which starts things off on a positive note. She also ends up having sex with most everyone else in the movie. She is all about high energy sex and she delivers the softcore thrills.

So if you enjoy seeing clips from Wynorski's beach vacation masquerading as late night cinema, "Busty Cops and the Jewel of Denial" is the visual stimulation you seek. For those who can't get enough of watching naked women roll around in the sand, you have found nirvana. And for those who get turned on by watching women rub chocolate sauce on each other, (why Wynorksi why?!), then this film will excite you. As for me, I found it better than staring at the ceiling so it served its purpose. There were plenty of naked women and there was no plot to distract me. And as for Officer Tory Lane, for bravery in the face of Wynorksi duty, I salute you.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 busty cops

Officer Lane.

Hustler Hollywood night

2010-09-04T21:00:00.000-07:00

I have been recovering from work related, (and vacation related), activities lately and needed something to jump start me back to the land of the living. When I heard about the Hustler Hollywood night at the Whisky a Go Go on Sunset, I knew this was the proverbial shot in the arm I needed. There was a benefit going on and I was glad to do my part. I believe the theme of the night was "Keep Porn Alive". Or at least legal. So my friend and I wandered into the Whisky and I got myself a beer to see what was going on with the porn stars. Hustler Hollywood was serving up a mixture of porn publicity, sex toy demonstration and alcohol. A strong combination to be sure. MILF extraordinaire Nina Hartley got on stage to show us all that a lifetime of porn movies doesn't warp you into a mindless sex zombie. She says she's been in "the industry" for 25 plus years. My friends, that's a lot of sex. So she knows what she's saying when she laments the attacks on her industry by various state and federal prosecutors around the country. After Nina left the stage the evening took a less serious turn as the porn stars took the stage to promote their products. First up was Girlfriend's films, an all lesbian porn outfit. They all got on stage and talked about the beauty of hot girl/girl action. There wasn't a dry eye in the house. Or was I the only one listening? Then they showed a collection of scenes from their latest lesbian flicks.

You haven't lived until you've watched porn stars watch themselves have sex. It was magical.

Next up was Alektra Blue showing us all the latest in anal sex technology.I think there is a motor in the front or something. The men were talking about it so I wasn't really listening. But Alektra seemed to like it.
Alektra decided to spread the love around and grabbed the co-host of the evening, (a reality TV personality), for a hands-on demonstration.She enjoyed herself. The Wicked Girls joined Alektra Blue on stage to promote their latest big budget porn flick.They all got a chance to say a few scripted words about the motorcycle sex movie they were promoting.

But how does one become a Wicked Girl? Is there some sort of screening process? Is there anything the Wicked Girls have in common, (besides being hot?). What makes one porn star Wicked-worthy and others not? Do the girls all get along or are they all just too wicked?

We may never know all the answers but the studio system is alive and well in the Valley.

After the porn movie promotion was over, it was time to have an orgasm contest. Four, (or was it five?) ladies got onstage to show us how they fake their orgasms.
Porn star Belladonna, (who apparently had just shaved her head. On a side note, I used to have a thing for Sinead O' Connor so this was kind of working for me), was one of the judges. She is an expert in this field and did not cut anybody any slack.

The first contestant needed some visual help to get her juices flowing. The host was happy to oblige.
The next contestant didn't want to fake her orgasm as she dropped to the floor an subsequently dropped her pants and rubbed one out for all to see.
She was very naughty. But this is what happens when you get a room full of exhibitionists together. Add in some horny guys with cameras and you have the recipe for mayhem. Then we were treated to another contest. This time, "Top Blowjob on a Penis shaped candy stick" was on the line. The naughty contestant from the screaming O contest jumped right into the candy shaft licking contest.It was very suggestive. She seemed to know what she was doing. I was impressed.

But then Belladonna got involved in the contest and she turned up the heat. The candy didn't stand a chance.I left the Whisky soon after this oral display. I knew I had just witnessed the peak of the evening and wanted to leave on a high note. After saying a few goodbyes, my friend and I wandered down to the Rainbow Bar and Grill for some fried cheese goodness. But it was Belladonna's shaved head bouncing on a candy dong that kept running through my mind. She was the winner this evening. Well, actually we all were.

"Attack Girls' Swim Team versus the Undead" review

2010-07-13T09:06:00.000-07:00

Attack Girls' Swim Team versus the Undead (2007)

AKA Joshikyôei hanrangun

Director: Kôji Kawano
Writer: Satoshi Ôwada

Sasa Handa ... Aki
Yuria Hidaka ... Sayaka
Ayumu Tokitô ... Mariko
Mizuka Arai
Hiromitsu Kiba
Hidetomo Nishida

The girl's swim team is in trouble. They're the only ones not affected by the hideous zombie plague raging through the school. Luckily for them, chlorine is the only antidote to the virus. As the rest of the school turns into the undead, new girl Aki, (Sasa Handa), and her new girlfriend, (and possible twin), have a long lesbian encounter in the kitchen. When body parts are flying all around you, only sapphic delights can put your mind at ease. After their prolonged lovemaking session is over, they get back to the business of killing zombie school girls. It all ends with startling revelations of mad scientists, secret assassins and flutes that drive women to orgasm. Somehow, it all makes sense in the end.

Well, actually it doesn't. "Attack Girls' Swim Team Versus the Undead" is just as disjointed and incoherent as its title suggests. Hot babe Sasa joins the swim team and zombies attack. That sums up everything you need to know about this movie. The only other thing to know is that Sasa is naked throughout most of the movie and has a great lesbian scene in the school kitchen. She is the highlight of this movie.

That's not to say there aren't other cheap thrills to be had. There is plenty of blood and guts as zombies flail about in hopes of dismembering the swim team. Actually the swim team really doesn't do much to stop the zombie horde. They get slaughtered fairly quickly which leaves it up to Sasa to lay waste to her infected schoolmates. It's later revealed that Sasa is actually a crazed assassin and that a mad scientist has repeatedly seduced her with his magic flute. If you need more clarity on that last sentence, I can assure you that you will derive no joy out of watching "Attack Girls' Swim Team Versus the Undead".

So if you're the kind of undiscriminating "lesbian school girls meet zombie plague started by a horny mad scientist with a magic flute" movie lover like I am, you'll probably find something to enjoy in "Attack Girls' Swim Team Versus the Undead". Sasa is hot enough, (and naked enough), to make up for a lot of the nonsensical madness on display. And have I mentioned the lesbian love scene in the kitchen? Sasaaaaaaa...

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 attack girls' swim teams

Sasaaaaaaa..

"Pets" review

2010-07-12T08:57:00.000-07:00

Pets (1974)

Director: Raphael Nussbaum
Writers: Raphael Nussbaum

Ed Bishop ... Victor Stackman
Joan Blackman ... Geraldine Mills
Candice Rialson ... Bonnie (as Candy Rialson)
Teri Guzman ... Pat (as Teri Guzmán)
Brett Parker ... Dan Daubrey
Matt Green ... Ron the Burglar
Mike Cartel ... Bonnie's Brother
K.T. Stevens ... Mrs. Daubrey

Bonnie, (Candy Rialson), is being dominated. Her brother tries to control her but she breaks away from him so she can set off on her California adventure. While walking on the beach, she runs into a black woman who shows her the art of hustling old white guys. They rob and humiliate him but Candy is nice enough to give her mark some post larceny sex. Bonnie moves on from hustling and into the loving arms of a lesbian painter. Bonnie agrees to be a model for Geraldine and eventually becomes her lover. Geraldine wants to control Bonnie in every aspect of her life but she doesn't want to be dominated. Exasperated, Bonnie sneaks a man in to have sex with but Geraldine takes offense to this and blows the man away. Bonnie doesn't appreciate her lovers being murdered and hits the road again. This time she falls for the charms of a depraved art collector who wants to break Bonnie's will. He wants to make her his pet. Bonnie is kept in a cage with the other animals in his collection but it won't be long before he finds out that Bonnie can't be broken.

"Pets" is a very interesting movie. It's basically a sexploitation movie but it's clearly trying to be a little more than that. I bought the DVD because I thought it was going to be a Candy Rialson B-movie sadomasochism showcase. But "Pets" is more interested in exploring themes of domination and submission rather than any sort of sleazy scenes of whips and leather. Although there's a few of those scenes in here as well.

"Pets" is impossible to describe without giving away the whole movie. It's broken down into three parts. The first has Bonnie dominating and taunting the old guy on a hill while her partner in crime ransacks his house. The second act has Bonnie being dominated by her older lesbian lover. The last part has Bonnie being caught in a a sadomasochistic web by a freak with his own private zoo. It's this last part of the movie that the filmmakers have advertised as their main sleaze selling point. As you can see, it worked on me.

But the real selling point of "Pets" is Candy Rialson. She is the ultimate California blonde. "Pets" would not be as much fun to watch without her in it. The movie follows her Malibu adventures as she goes from one dominating situation to the next. Candy is frequently naked in the movie and each scene is a treasure. It's easy to see why everyone Candy meets wants to control her.

So if you need some 70's sexploitation in your life, "Pets" is worth watching. As an added bonus, the movie is presented in horrible shape but that only adds to its sleazy charm. A warning at the beginning of the DVD assures the viewer that this was the best copy of the movie they could get but to not let that stop you from enjoying it. I just wish I had a time machine so I could have watched this in a 70's Times Square theater with some fellow B-movie fans. That feels like the right decrepit environment to get the most out of watching "Pets".

SCORE: 3 out of 4 Candy pets

Candy Candy Candy. I can't let you go.

"The Horseman" review

2010-07-06T08:50:00.000-07:00

The Horseman (2008)

Director: Steven Kastrissios
Writer: Steven Kastrissios

Peter Marshall... Christian
Caroline Marohasy... Alice
Brad McMurray... Derek
Jack Henry ... Finn
Evert McQueen ... Jim
Christopher Sommers ... Pauly
Bryan Probets ... Walters
Steve Tandy ... Devlin
Chris Betts ... Hilton
Damon Gibson ... Chuck
Hannah Levien ... Jesse
Robyn Moore ... Irene

"The Horseman" is the story of one man's war against amateur pornography. Christian's daughter has gotten mixed up in drugs and gang bang porn. Her budding film career is cut short when she overdoses after a porn movie shoot. Christian can't stand the idea that his daughter was anything other than the sweet little girl he remembers so he must kill every dirtbag that disparages his memories with the truth. He works his way up the scum ladder, maiming and killing all who oppose his cherished memories of his virginal daughter. Many men will die for exploiting the wrong girl. The Horseman is bringing about a porno apocalypse.

How far will we go to remember people the way we want to? Throughout the movie, Christian keeps fixating on his memories of his daughter as a little girl. This sweet, innocent memory of her childhood is what keeps him alive. When scum try to tarnish his beloved memory, he has no choice but to go on a murderous rampage so his soul can live. Along his path of destruction, he meets a young runaway who briefly calms down his bloodlust. His peaceful moment of humanity is soon taken from him as the pornographers track him down with their own ideas of revenge. More torture and mayhem follow.

"The Horseman" is a pretty good revenge movie. I enjoyed it. I always like seeing unstable men do unspeakable acts in the name of revenge and "The Horseman" certainly delivers. Christian becomes unhinged after watching a porno tape with his daughter in it. He vows to track down anyone associated with the filth and make them pay. Although everyone Christian runs into insists that they're innocent since she willingly came to them, their argument falls on deaf ears as Christian is too busy beating them senseless to listen. But this is what happens when you watch your dead daughter bang her way through "Young City Sluts II". It would drive any father mad.

So if you're looking for a movie where death and mayhem await exploitative pornographers, "The Horseman" is the movie for you. It is a moving film about the lengths a man will go to in order to keep the father/daughter bond healthy even after death. Sometimes you have to kill porn performers, producers and directors to get the cathartic release you need. "The Horseman" is filled with scenes of bloody revenge and it makes for a fine viewing experience.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 horsemen

And I looked, and behold a pale exterminator can: and his name that sprayed it was Death. and Hell followed with him.

"Popatopolis" review

2010-06-25T12:00:00.000-07:00

Popatopolis (2009)

Director: Clay Westervelt
Writer: Clay Westervelt

Jim Wynorski

Julie K. Smith
Julie Strain
Monique Parent
Glori-Anne Gilbert
Antonia Dorian
Roger Corman
Andy Sidaris

Stormy Daniels

So I was in a strip club in the San Gabriel Valley when Stormy Daniels strutted in. She was the feature performer that night and you could get your picture taken with her for $20. Who was I to deny myself this pleasure? Also, I had just reviewed "The Witches of Breastwick" and I wanted to talk to her about the movie. Stormy was very open and honest with me about the making of this softcore flick. She told me she got paid $800. For comparison, she told me she gets paid $8,000 to direct a hardcore flick. I asked her about her Co-stars and she said that Glori-Anne Gilbert was a very sweet girl. I asked her why she thought Wynorski put her in the movie since I didn't perceive any charisma in Glori-Anne. She said that Glori-Anne was Wynorski's girlfriend. Ahh, it all makes sense now. She also talked about how Julie Smith was not happy that she was there and that Julie argued with Wynorski all the time. She also never received a DVD of the movie but she did get a VHS tape. It was an enlightening and pleasant conversation. Little did I know that four years later I would watch a documentary about the making of "Witches of Breastwick" which complemented my late night strip club conversation.

"Popatopolis" is a documentary about breasts, B-movies, porn stars, greed, and a man who epitomizes cut-throat filmmaking. I am referring to Jim Wynorski, the most prolific, (and shameless), B-movie maker working today. This documentary follows Wynorski as he goes through the motions of bringing his latest softcore flick, "The Witches of Breastwick", to life. But it's also about the rise and fall of Wynorski and how he has let himself get corrupted by the never ending checks flowing from the bottomless coffers of late night cable.

"Popatopolis" is a fascinating documentary. Speaking as a guy who has not only seen "Witches of Breastwick" but has sat through many Wynorski late night flicks, this documentary really pushed a button in me. I had an image in my head of the guy who cranked out "Breastford Wives", "The Hills have Thighs" and "Cleavagefield" and it was reinforced after watching Wynorski in action. Now I can safely say that Wynorski only cares about himself and his $65,000 check from Cinemax. There is nothing else in his life that matters. Making movies only irritates him as it slows down his ability to get paid.

"Popatopolis" starts off with Wynorski saying he's a big movie fan. He runs through his house showing off his video stashes in the kitchen and in the bedroom. The dichotomy of Wynorski as a movie fan and Wynorski as a director just doesn't make any sense. How can this guy profess to being a movie fan and still live with himself for cranking out some of the movies he's attached his name to? Has he not picked up any filmmaking techniques from watching countless films?

The only techniques Wynorski has picked up over the years is in the art of getting away with it. When Wynorski was working with Roger Corman, he actually made an effort to produce some quality B-movies. "Not of this Earth" and "Chopping Mall" were both fun B-movies. But left to his own devices, Wynorski just wants to get the annoying filmmaking process out of the way so that he can collect his money. Actors, actresses and the crew are only there to irritate him as he barks his way through the production.

"Popatpolis" shines a light on how much Wynorski cares, (very little), for the other people who make his movies possible. When the cast and crew arrive at the cabin for the shoot, they are surprised to find out that there are no amenities available. There are no towels or working can openers. Of course that doesn't matter since there's no food to eat anyway. I thought there was only going to be one bed to share and Wynorski was going to have all of the ladies pile onto his to save some space.

Speaking of ladies, the three babes in "Witches of Breastwick" are the topless muses that keep Wynorski's creative juices flowing. Julie Smith, Glori-Anne Gilbert and Stormy Daniels are the witches and they will pop their tops at Wynorski's command. Monique Parent also shows up at the destitute cabin and her top will be popped at some point during the shoot.

Julie Strain and Julie Smith, (Big and Little Julies), are given the chance to reflect on Wynorski and B-movies in general. Both of them seem a little melancholy over the state of the industry and how Wynorski has changed over the years. Big Julie can not even bring herself to refer to what Wynorski is filming these days as B-movies. She has to call them C-movies. Both of them seem slightly offended, (especially little Julie), that porn stars are now able to get into B-movies. Julie Smith has been working with Wynorski for awhile and even though she tries to defend him, it can't be denied that Wynorski's lust for profit means less interesting B-films and more mindless softcore sex flicks. Of course when Julie Smith shows up in one of Wynorski's softcore movies, I'm not complaining.

One of the most fascinating aspects of this documentary is watching Wynorski's directing style (or lack thereof). In one protracted scene, he tortures Julie Smith until she gets a line about a tow truck right. He makes her repeat the line over and over until she reads it exactly as written. Torturing his one good actress interests him and yet in other scenes Wynorski show no directing interest at all. There's another scene where Stormy, Monique and Glori-Anne are in a hot tub and Wynorski doesn't do anything to move the scene forward except sit on his rear end while the girls go at it. If these are the money shots in the flick, why isn't Wynorski offering any advice on how to make the scene better? This one scene, (and Stormy's sex scene against the tree), clearly illustrate how much Wynorski cares, (very little), about sex scenes. They seem to bore him so he just lets them play out naturally. It's up to the performers to improvise their way through them as Wynorski takes a nap and dreams of his paycheck.

"Popatopolis" highlights the real tragedy of Jim Wynorski. If Wynorski was just some guy using a fake name to film fake sex, no one would care about him. There wouldn't be a documentary about him. People who he's berated and screamed at for years would not be sticking up for him if there wasn't at least something there to like. B-movie fans can only bring themselves to praise the movies he made in the late 80's to mid-90's because every movie since then has been a rush job to get in the hands of his masters at Cinemax. He's an ambitious guy who has a manic need to make films but he can't seem to bring himself to expend too much energy to make the movies really enjoyable. We've seen him make good movies in the past and we know he has the skill to do it but his lust for more money overrides any and all other filmmaking needs.

"Popatopolis" is the best movie Wynorski has been associated with in fifteen years. It's a documentary that should be seen by B-movie fans. It is an honest look at Jim Wynorski and his mercenary filmmaking style. It may also scare you away from the B-movie world after seeing the utter lack of glamour associated with it's unrelenting production schedule. "Popatopolis" won't endear people to Wynorski but it does help to understand the mindset of a rapid fire filmmaker.

SCORE: 3.5 out of 4 Wynorskis in action

Wynorski gives the number one lesson in B-movie making: Pop that top.

"Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead" review

2010-06-15T08:49:00.000-07:00

Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead (2009)

Director: Declan O'Brien
Writers: Connor James Delaney Alan B. McElroy

Tom Frederic ... Nate
Janet Montgomery ... Alex
Gil Kolirin ... Floyd
Christian Contreras ... Willy
Jake Curran ... Crawford
Tom McKay ... Brandon
Chucky Venice ... Walter (as Chucky Venn)
Tamer Hassan ... Chavez
Jack Gordon ... Trey
Louise Cliffe ... Sophie
Charley Speed ... Brent
Borislav Petrov ... Three Toes

A bunch of teens are going kayaking, getting topless and smoking dope. Their revelry is interrupted by a mutant cannibal with a bow and arrows. Of course it is. Just when you thought the movie was over, our attention is diverted to a prison where there will be a high risk transfer of their most dangerous prisoners. On the way through the backwoods, the hillbilly freak attacks the prison bus and makes it fall down a hill. The prisoners have taken a Wrong Turn. Well, not really a turn so much as a Wrong Roll. The rest of the movie has the guards and prisoners debating survival tactics and money management as the hillbilly cannibal picks their bones clean.

"Wrong Turn 3" is a corporate exploitation movie. It is a ruthlessly efficient vehicle for blood, guts and multiple dismemberment scenes. It's pretty much an hour and a half of pure violence. It also doesn't have anything to do with the previous "Wrong Turn" movies. Well, there are people running through the woods from a hideous hillbilly but Eliza Dusku wasn't one of them so it wasn't as interesting. I saw the first "Wrong Turn", (and loved it), but I didn't see the sequel. It feels like this movie was made because the filmmakers had a script about convicts escaping through the woods and they weren't sure what to do with it.

But is there a right way to make a "Wrong Turn" movie? Is there only one way these films are supposed to play out? Why can't a "Wrong Turn" movie have convicts and prison guards getting slaughtered instead of the usual teens? Oh sure, I'd rather see a busload of sorority girls running from the freaks but you can't have everything.

Speaking as a sleazy exploitation fan, "Wrong Turn 3" has some enjoyable aspects. It is shameless gore entertainment. Body parts are hacked off regularly and there are plenty of scenes of torture as the hillbilly chops his way through his victims. What the movie lacks in imagination, it makes up for in blunt force trauma to the viewers head. The violence is unrelenting. Blood effects are let loose on a constant basis.

However, if you were a big fan of the original "Wrong Turn", you may despise this movie. Everything about "Wrong Turn 3" reeks of cheapness. From the dismal CGI effects to the rubbery masked mutant, the budget was not spent on making convincing special effects. They didn't have the funds for a whole clan of cannibals so they had to settle for one and a half maniacs. But the real exploitation at work here is on the goodwill associated with the "Wrong Turn" franchise. They took their convict action script and added a few scenes of a deformed backwoods freak to make it seem like a "Wrong Turn" movie. The slaughter scene at the beginning was probably added on later to at least give the illusion that the filmmakers actually watched the first two movies.

So if you're looking for a faithful sequel to the "Wrong Turn" movies, you'd be better off letting this one go. But if you're just looking for some mindless gore entertainment, "Wrong Turn 3" has some scenes worth watching. It's not trying to be a horror movie. It just wants to spend ninety minutes throttling you with scenes of blood and destruction. It's quite content to be a gory action movie. Whether it succeeds or not depends on how low your standards are.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 mutant hillbillies

"Bikini Frankenstein" review

2010-06-14T08:45:00.000-07:00

Bikini Frankenstein (2010)

Director: Fred Olen Ray

Frankie Cullen ... Dr. Frankenstein
Jayden Cole ... Eve
Brandin Rackley ... Ingrid
Christine Nguyen ... Claudia
Billy Chappell ... Clyde (as Tony Marino)
Ted Newsom ... Professor Van Sloane
Ron Ford ... Dr. Waldman

Dr. Frankenstein has a horny dream. A noble wet dream. It involves bringing a really hot corpse back to life. He finds the tallest, hottest dead woman he can find and pumps her full of electricity. Thankfully the lust experiment is a success. Eve, (Jayden Cole), springs to life and proceeds to do what any grateful undead babe would do. She grabs Frankenstein's assistant, (Brandin Rackley), and has sex with her on the operating table. Now that Frankenstein has the resurrected babe he's always wanted, he needs to show off his particular genius. So naturally he takes Eve to a cocktail party where everybody gets laid and a good time is had by all.

So "Bikini Frankenstein". It was on cable and I was up. Who was I to neglect watching yet another Fred Olen Ray bikini movie? Although no one actually wears a bikini in this movie, Jayden does wear a fetching two-piece. But why does the word "bikini" thrill Ray so much? Does he have some sort of Pavlovian response to the word? He hears the word "bikini" and starts drooling? I suppose we could consider some sort of classical conditioning testing on these prolific softcore auteurs but it may lead us down alleys in the mind that we're not ready for yet.

Now I'll be honest. I was fading in and out on this one. I didn't really catch all the subtle nuances that encompass a Fred Olen Ray softcore flick. But I was wide awake during the sex scenes and "Bikini Frankenstein" has some memorable ones. Brandin Rackley has a good scene with Jayden Cole on the operating table. Brandin is a kisser and I love that about her. She starts making out with Jayden and eventually they get into some tribbing which causes sparks to fly. Later, Brandin and Jayden head to the shower for some cooling off after their life igniting tribbing. Jayden is such a tall woman that Brandin has to stand on her tip toes just to reach her mouth for some more kissing scenes.

Now about Jayden Cole. Wow. She's amazing. She was an inspiration. Well, she inspired me to keep watching that's for sure. When the movie shifts to the cocktail party, there are the obligatory guy/girl scenes which really didn't thrill me too much. But the movie ends with an outstanding three way scene with Jayden, Brandin, and Christine Nguyen. This scene makes the movie worth watching. It also makes life worth living. Brandin and Christine pile up on Jayden and make her the center of their Sapphic attention. There is a lot of kissing and breast licking here which is what makes softcore movies the treasure they (sometimes) are.

So if you're up late one night and you need a tall woman in your life, give "Bikini Frankenstein" a look. Jayden Cole is a woman of action and gets a lot of it. Even if you can't stay awake to watch the whole thing, be sure to set your alarm clock so you can catch the last twenty minutes. Forget about a good night's sleep because there's a Jayden three-way scene that you have got to see.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 two-piece Jaydens

"Avenging Angel" review

2010-06-08T08:56:00.000-07:00

Avenging Angel (1985)

Director: Robert Vincent O'Neill
Writers: Joseph Michael Cala Robert Vincent O'Neill

Betsy Russell ... Molly "Angel" Stewart
Rory Calhoun ... Kit Carson
Susan Tyrrell ... Solly Mosler
Ossie Davis ... Captain Harry Moradian
Robert F. Lyons ... Lt. Hugh Andrews
Steven M. Porter ... Yo-Yo Charlie
Paul Lambert ... Arthur Gerrard
Barry Pearl ... Johnny Glitter
Estee Chandler ... Cindy

I bought this video for three bucks. Angel is no longer a high school student by day, Hollywood hooker by night. Now she is a law school student by day, Hollywood homebody by night. But since this would make for a boring movie, Angel's life has to get a little more exciting at night. The cop who saved her from the nightmarish Hollywood streets is gunned down trying to save a topless female cop. At least he died for a good cause. Angel decides to go back on the streets to find his killer. So with the help of her goofy friends, Angel hits the mean streets of LA to find out who is up to no good in Hollywood.

"Avenging Angel" is the sequel to the brilliantly marketed but ultimately disappointing exploitation flick "Angel". "Angel" was pretty light on the sleazy scenes I'd expect to see from a Hollywood hooker with a gun movie. So after giving up another three bucks to watch the sequel, I have to wonder why I'm surprised "Avenging Angel" was also fairly routine for a faux Hollywood hooker with a gun movie. When you're a B-movie maniac, hope comes in all forms. Sometimes, it's in a tattered video box holding a sequel to a movie you weren't too thrilled about to begin with. Sometimes, your love for cheap thrills leads you astray. So when you see a video box cover with a hooker holding a gun, you know what needs to be done.

"Avenging Angel" is a lame attempt at humor and action as Angel tries to muscle her way through a Hollywood goon squad. Once again, Angel does not get naked even though she is ostensibly a Hollywood hooker. She's not even trying at this point. She just wants to exact revenge while wearing high heels and hot pants. Killing is more comfortable that way. The only true exploitation scene is at the beginning where a female cop gets shot in her apartment. Before she gets wasted, there are some nice lingering scenes of her getting out of the shower and putting her clothes on. "Avenging Angel" needed this scene. Actually, I wanted Angel to get revenge for the topless cop instead of her mentor. I was quite sad when she left the movie.

The rest of "Avenging Angel" has Angel in various states of distress as her and her crazy cowboy friend, (Rory Calhoun), have shootout after shootout with various anonymous thugs. It moves along at a fairly steady pace but doesn't deliver the necessary bang for the three bucks. It was worth about $1.25. It can be skipped.

One last thought, the one good thing I can say about "Avenging Angel" is that it was interesting to see the Hollywood Blvd scene in all its 1985 glory. "Avenging Angel" does make for an entertaining time capsule. There was a theater showing Prince's "Purple Rain". There was also a poster for Clint Eastwood's "Tightrope". But aside from the hairstyles and clothes, the most significant aspect of the 80's on display were the actual hookers walking Hollywood Blvd. Those days are long gone. I know this because I drive down Hollywood Blvd all the time and I can assure you that the hookers are not on the Boulevard anymore. Not that I'm looking for them mind you, but the working girls are now on the internet selling their wares. There couldn't be any more "Angel" sequels as it would involve Angel setting up dates over a secure internet connection and asking for references. If their credit card gets denied, Angel goes berserk. But since Angel never has sex in these movies anyway, it's really no big loss.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 armed Angels

"Chained Heat II" review

2010-06-07T08:50:00.000-07:00

Chained Heat II (1993)

Director: Lloyd A. Simandl
Writer: Chris Hyde

Brigitte Nielsen ... Magda Kassar
Paul Koslo ... Franklin Goff
Kimberley Kates ... Alex Morrison
Kari Whitman ... Suzanne Morrison
Jana Svandová ... Rosa Schmidt
Marek Vasut ... Stefan Lotsky
Lucie Benesová ... Tina Lukof (as Lucie Benes)
Markéta Hrubesová ... Carla

An innocent girl has been thrown into prison. She is a sweet, virginal girl who has been framed for drug smuggling. They send her to the toughest woman's prison movie set they can find. She arrives at warden Brigitte Nielsen's private dungeon. Warden Nielsen likes to run a nice and sleazy prison. The girls are used and abused on a regular basis. Since there's money to be made in prostitution and pornography, why shouldn't Brigitte get a taste? She whores the girls out to the highest bidder and gets to taste the merchandise when the mood strikes her. She's in the mood a lot. There's another story going on about the innocent victim's sister trying to get the evidence she needs to free her but since it doesn't involve S&M chains and prisoner exploitation, it's not as interesting. It all ends in an orgy of violence as the girls strike back at warden Brigitte's excessive debauchery.

"Chained Heat II" is an acceptable entry in the mightiest of all exploitation genres, the woman's prison movie. There isn't a better vehicle to showcase excessive female nudity and wanton violence then shoving the cast onto a cheap set, making them wear tattered rags, (although all of these prisoners wear green short skirts), and letting the ladies run wild through the prison. All of the usual scenes are here. The shower scene, the random nudity scenes, the random violent scenes and random scenes of the corrupt warden indulging in various debased sexual acts. These random scenes somehow coalesce into a movie that is fairly painless to sit through.

The most important character in a woman's prison movie is the warden. Brigitte Nielson is the amazon warrior who runs the prison and she does a fine job. She likes to be submissive to her homicidal sidekick, Rosa. Rosa hates all living things and delights in causing the inmates as much anguish as she can. But the main character in a woman's prison flick is almost always a nice, sweet girl who will have to toughen up to survive. The poor, innocent girl needs to find an understanding friend who will comfort her in her darkest hour. And by comfort her, I mean that they need to have hot sweaty sex on the cell room floor. This genre is set in stone and any deviations will not be tolerated.

Unfortunately, this is where "Chained Heat II" falters. While there are some decent exploitation scenes to enjoy, the filmmakers fail to follow the two most basic woman's prison movie rules. The first one clearly states that there will be some sort of lesbian activity behind bars. The girls need to find a release for their pain and their cell mates should be there to help. When I saw the innocent girl and her friend end up in solitary confinement together, I was sure the filmmakers had set this scene up for the eventual Sapphic payoff. I was wrong. Instead, we are treated to a scene of the ladies talking and the nice girl giving her friend a necklace to remember her. I was shocked at the lack of exploitation in that scene but felt the movie would bounce back with Warden Nielsen.

I was wrong again. The second woman's prison rule this movie violates is failing to let their star get naked. Warden Nielsen does not have any nude scenes. For shame. Although she does have some interesting scenes playing a submissive to various dominating women, it doesn't make up for the lack of Brigitte in this film. I had dreams of Brigitte towering over some prisoners in the shower as she makes them wash her back. But my dreams went down the drain.

"Chained Heat II" is for the undiscriminating woman's prison lover. It doesn't provide all of the necessary thrills associated with the genre but it does manage to be mildly entertaining in its own sordid way. I would have liked to have seen a little more Brigitte stalking the prison halls but you can't have everything. It's worth a look if you're in need of a WIP fix. If not, it can be skipped.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 Brigitte's in chains

"Bikini Girls on Ice" review

2010-06-02T08:55:00.000-07:00

Bikini Girls on Ice (2009)

Director: Geoff Klein
Writers: Geoff Klein Jeff Ross

Suzi Lorraine... Kelly
Kerri Taylor... Nikki
Cindel Chartrand... Jenna
Ivan Peric... Tommy
Jarek Gader... Blake
Christina Sciortino... Lena
Caroline Faille... Brooke
William Jarand... Moe
Melissa Paulson... Kate

I was sent this DVD. I wasn't expecting it but there it was. "Bikini Girls on Ice". Clearly, this was a movie I was meant to see. Someone out there knew I needed to experience this very important film. What wonders were in store for me? Would there be bikini girls? Would they be on ice? What does Bikini Girls on Ice mean anyway? I didn't have anything more important to do that fateful day but find out for myself.

A girl's soccer team is stranded at a maniac's gas station. They were on their way to a bikini car wash when their bus broke down. The girl's decide to make the most out of their predicament and have the car wash outside the psycho's front door. Anyone who dares to venture inside the gas station is greeted by the mad killer Moe. Moe the maniac likes to kill bikini girls and stick them in his cooler. They become bikini girls on ice. Half the soccer team will be slaughtered inside the tiny gas station before anyone realizes they're stuck in a horror movie. The bikini girls start running and screaming in circles in a desperate attempt to escape the mad clutches of Moe.

"Bikini Girls on Ice" was a B-movie with potential. It piqued my interest with thoughts of bikini girls and car washes and the inevitable slashers that these exploitation elements create. But there is a fatal flaw in this movie which kills the entertainment value of watching dead bikini girls shoved into freezers. It's something I find myself lamenting far more often than I should. Shamefully, there isn't any nudity at the bikini car wash. Yet another B-movie tragedy.

So without naked bikini girls to enjoy, what other visual thrills does this movie have to offer? Not much I'm afraid. The filmmakers found an abandoned gas station and decided to build a slasher flick around it. People keep walking into the building and then promptly get attacked by Moe. There is no logical way that all of these people could get slaughtered without anyone hearing it. The gas station is barely large enough to walk through and Moe likes to scream and shout when he's butchering bodies. Fifty minutes go by before anyone realizes that something is amiss in the old gas station. The remaining bikini girls, (two), scream and run from room to room, (three), in a desperate attempt to get the horror movie started. It's too late bikini girl.

"Bikini Girls on Ice" is a dud. It's not scary, has almost no gore, and, most importantly, there are no naked bikini babes. I suppose you could appreciate the fact that the title didn't lie. There were plenty of bikini girls. And yes, Moe did put a lot of the dead ones in a cooler full of ice. But other than that, "Bikini Girls on Ice" doesn't have much in the way of thrilling entertainment to offer. It can be skipped.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 frozen bikini girls

"Vampz" review

2010-06-01T08:50:00.000-07:00

Vampz (2004)

Director: Steve Lustgarten

Terrence Flack ... Sweet
Terrence Atkins
Lamik Blake ... Keith
Tawanna Browne
Chantal Lashon ... Cleo
Raymond Parker ... Fred
Serria Tawan ... Lillith

"Vampz" is about black vampire hookers. Three black beauties decide to open a massage parlor so that their prey will come knocking on their door. Their plan works perfectly as men show up at their lair and are promptly slaughtered. They'd be disemboweling horny tricks to this day if it weren't for those meddling vampire hunting cops. They're on the lookout for the cop's cheating wife who likes white guys and lesbian vampires. Basically anyone who's not her husband. Some women are so hard to please. It all ends in a showdown to the death with as much gore and violence as the filmmakers could afford.

Black vampire hookers. I like writing that. "Vampz" certainly seemed like the exploitation movie for me. I wasn't expecting much from it. Just some good times with the vampire hookers. That's all I wanted. While "Vampz" has some entertaining qualities, there is one simple fact about this movie which will doom it to obscurity forever. The vampire hookers do not get naked. You wouldn't think it would be possible to have sex wearing your lingerie but you'd be wrong. When you've lived as a vampire for thousands of years, you learn a thing or two.

It's a shame the filmmakers couldn't convince the vampire babes to drop their clothes as "Vampz" could have been a pretty decent B-movie. I'm shocked to tell you this, but "Vampz" wasn't terrible. It had some fun scenes, (including a brief lesbian kissing scene), it kept moving along and it provided as much blood and guts as a hundred bucks will buy you. But I knew when I saw these women that they were not going to fulfill their B-movie destiny and get naked. They were too attractive. They looked too good for this movie. There was no way the filmmakers could afford to pay these women to disrobe and still have twenty dollars left over for blood effects.

So the filmmakers decided to forgo the expense of having naked vampire hookers in their vampire hooker movie and instead spent their money on cheap gore effects. This was the wrong call. Especially considering one of the vampire babes was a Playboy Playmate, (Serria Tawan). I'm sure she would have been fine with being all the vampire hooker she could be. Why did they hold her back?

While "Vampz" has some fun scenes and beautiful women to look at, it doesn't need to be seen. Although I can give it some points for filming near where my friend used to live. "Vampz" seemed to have been filmed all over Los Feliz, Silver Lake and Hollywood Blvd. There's one scene near a Rite -Aid that was shot near New Hampshire and Hollywood. I used to go there all the time. But then the movie goes back to fully clothed vampire hookers and I lose interest.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 seductive black women

"Samurai Princess" review

2010-05-25T08:50:00.000-07:00

Samurai Princess (2009)
AKA Samurai purinsesu: Gedô-hime

Director: Kengo Kaji
Writers: Sôtarô Hayashi Kengo Kaji

Yû Aiba
Takeshi Ayabe
Miki Hirase
Mitsuru Karahashi
Asuka Kataoka
Aino Kishi
Mihiro

"Samurai Princess" starts off with a severed head rolling on the ground. This leads to a brief swordfight in which the Samurai Princess slices and dices an outlaw into little bits. Then his little bits end up in a boiling pot where his partners in crime unwittingly chow down on his remains. The Princess decides to kill the cretins by pulling out their brains and throwing a naked breast grenade at them. Of course she does. What else would a revenge-minded Mecha do? What's a Mecha you ask? A Mecha is some sort of Frankenstein replicant pieced together from body parts and lost souls. There is a mad artist roaming through this cheap movie looking for severed limbs that he can transform into humanoid monsters. He stumbles upon a girl who's been brutally raped and left for dead. She wants to live again so that she can thrash her attackers into oblivion. So with the convenient help of a Buddhist nun, the mad artist is able to bring his creation to life. This leads to much blood and guts as the Princess takes her revenge on humans and Mechas alike.

I had rented "Samurai Princess" because of its amazing plot summary. Allow me to quote it to you now. "When 11 of her friends are raped and murdered, leaving the Samurai Princess (adult video star Aino Kishi) the only survivor, she becomes infused with her comrades souls...". I made it as far as "adult video star" before deciding that this was the movie for me. I was excited by the exploitation movie possibilities a raped porno star turned robot assassin story could provide. Who wouldn't be?

But the actual film turns out to be a little disappointing. It would be hard to live up to its outrageous exploitative summary but I thought "Samurai Princess" would be a little more extreme than what it was. The movie turns out to be a series of randomly goofy gore scenes which make little to no sense. Mechas and Artists. Robots and Outlaws. What does it all mean?

"Samurai Princess" follows in the footsteps of another Asian action flick, "Machine Girl", in which women get their revenge on humanity by combining their body with machinery. The results can be devastating. Long live the new flesh. But "Samurai Princess" is so cheap and shoddy that they couldn't afford to waste money on anything other than blood and body parts. The mass rape scene is very tame and the porno star did not live up to the high standards I had set for her. You have to have standards. There is one sex scene but its fairly uneventful. The rest of the movie consists of Mechas, artists and outlaws doing battle for no other reason than to splash some blood on the screen.

"Samurai Princess" was made for the undiscerning gore lover. If you need to see an incoherent movie with some cut-rate gore, "Samurai Princess" might be the movie for you. As for me, "Samurai Princess" gave me some cheap thrills but it wasn't enough to satisfy me. I'm a discerning gore lover. I need a little more than Mechas throwing breast bombs at their enemies. I don't need much more mind you. Maybe a breast flame thrower. Now there's a movie. "Samurai Incinerator". Now we're talking sense.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Mecha mayhem

Mecha girl

Mecha's love brains.

"Trick 'r Treat" review

2010-05-23T19:05:00.000-07:00

Trick 'r Treat (2008)

Director: Michael Dougherty
Writer: Michael Dougherty

Dylan Baker... Steven
Rochelle Aytes... Maria
Quinn Lord... Sam / Peeping Tommy
Lauren Lee Smith... Danielle
Moneca Delain... Janet
Isabelle Deluce... Sara
Anna Paquin... Laurie
Brian Cox... Mr. Kreeg
Leslie Bibb... Emma

It's Halloween and you better respect the traditions. "Trick 'r Treat" has four interwoven tales of murder and mayhem set in a small town on Halloween night. There's an elementary school principal who likes to give kids tricks instead of treats. Then there's four hot girls who want to throw a party in the woods with some willing victims. On the other side of town, a bunch of kids like telling ghost stories but they may see their nightmares come true. Finally there's an old man who disdains Halloween and meets a maniacal midget who has taken it upon himself to attack anyone who dares to insult his favorite holiday.

"Trick 'r Treat" continues the horror anthology movie tradition set by such films as "Creepshow" and "Tales from the Darkside". While I wouldn't say it was as good as "Creepshow", "Trick 'r Treat" turns out to be an enjoyable horror movie. I'm surprised that this didn't go to theaters. This would have been a perfect movie to release during Halloween. "Trick 'r Treat" gives Halloween the respect it deserves and provides horror fans with an entertaining horror flick.

Of course, there's not anything terribly original about "Trick 'r Treat". Most of these stories have been told in one form or another over the years. But "Trick 'r Treat" keeps the stories moving along as the town learns the importance of respecting the festival of Samuin. Did you know that pumpkin carving is linked to an ancient Celtic tradition? It was done so that pumpkins could be put in windows in order to ward off evil spirits. They believed that Samuin was the one day a year where the spirit world could pass through into our world. So they wore costumes and masks to ward off harmful ghosts.

It's this attention to Halloween details that the townspeople don't respect. They'll pay dearly for it. When the little sack-headed killer sees a woman blow out her pumpkin before Halloween is over, he shows her a few nasty tricks with his lollipop. Later he attacks a grumpy old man, (Brian Cox), after his contempt for Halloween becomes clear. The attack of the maniacal midget turns out to be the highlight of "Trick 'r Treat". It has the most blood and scares in the movie. The sack-headed killer is an angry little guy but I admire his dedication to his job.

The other tales of terror are fine but they don't pack as much of a shock as the mad midget story. The principal is a fiend with the kids, the visiting party girls are predictably hot and get into predictable trouble and the pranksters cause some havoc that comes back to haunt them. All of these stories play out to their obvious conclusion. They're fun but predictable horror stories.

Overall, "Trick 'r Treat" is a fun horror movie. It doesn't have excessive gore or blood but it has just enough to make it a worthwhile horror flick. I had a good time. It's worth a look.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 sack-headed killers
Red Riding Hood? Snow White? Little Bo Peep or Cinderella? Decisions, decisions.

"The Graves" review

2010-05-22T23:00:00.000-07:00

The Graves (2009)

Director: Brian Pulido
Writer: Brian Pulido

Clare Grant... Megan Graves
Amanda Wyss... Darlene
Tony Todd... Reverend Abraham
Bill Moseley... Caleb
Jillian Murray... Abby Graves
Cathy Rankin... Valerie Mills
Patti Tindall... Becka Crane
Bill Lippincott... Dad
Brian Pulido... M. Mischief

Two hot sisters are into comic books and horror culture. The Graves make a great team cruising through comic book stores and driving the geeks crazy. They decide to have one more sister outing before they're torn apart. One of the Graves is going to college and her big sister wants to show her a good time before she goes. So naturally, they head for an abandoned ghost town. Of course they do. Unfortunately for the Graves girls, they've stepped into a mediocre horror film. Before you know it, killers are springing up all over the ghost town. They'll have to contend with a slow moving blacksmith, a freak in a pig nose and an outrageously hammy Reverend if they want to get out of town alive.

There's not much to get excited about over "The Graves". It truly defines the word mediocre. Everything happens exactly as you would expect. When the sisters arrive at the ghost town, you expect someone to chase them down. There's an evil blacksmith who wants to kill every tourist in sight. He starts to run after the girls but he's been eating too many cheeseburgers and starts wheezing after jogging for ten seconds. The Graves run circles around him and don't have much trouble dispatching him to blacksmith heaven. Although I was sure that someone was going to chase the girls through the ghost town, I didn't think he'd be this inept at stalking his prey. I was certain the movie was over at this point. I was wrong.

Just when you thought the Graves had survived the movie, along comes more trouble in the form of a pig-nosed freak. Seems like the blacksmith was his brother and now he wants to have his turn chasing hot babes through the desert. This leads to more mediocrity as the pig freak pounces on the hottest of the Graves, (Clare Grant), so he can bore her with his fantasies. The Graves use teamwork again to get out of their freak situation. I was relieved. The movie was finally over and I could get away from the Graves. I was wrong again.

Now the entire town chases after the Graves. Will this madness ever end? Reverend Tony Todd wants to sacrifice the sisters to appease some demon. This leads to an amazingly hammy performance by Reverend Todd as he summons the loud, screeching garbage demon. This leads to an even more amazingly mediocre fight which finally, mercifully ends the movie. The Graves can leave town and I can go to bed.

"The Graves" is a mediocre horror movie divided into three banal parts. The best thing you can say about it is that it's competently filmed. But since nothing scary or interesting happens on the Graves B-movie road trip, it's not worth watching. "The Graves" can be skipped.

One last thought, I have to mention the biggest letdown with "The Graves". It's the Graves themselves. The Graves do not get naked. This is a tragedy. Especially when you take the time to name your horror movie after the sisters and don't have the common decency to show us the Graves in all of their glory. I can't stress enough how important gratuitous nudity is to B-movies. A couple of shots of the Graves running topless through the desert could have saved this movie. Well maybe not but it would have at least provided one lively B-movie moment. As it is, "The Graves" is dead and buried.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Graves babes

"Dead Snow" review

2010-05-16T18:30:00.000-07:00

Dead Snow (2009)

AKA Død snø

Director: Tommy Wirkola
Writers: Stig Frode Henriksen

Vegar Hoel... Martin
Stig Frode Henriksen ... Roy
Charlotte Frogner ... Hanna
Lasse Valdal ... Vegard
Evy Kasseth Røsten ... Liv
Jeppe Laursen ... Erlend

A bunch of medical students head to an isolated cabin for some fun in the snow. Dead snow that is. (Is snow ever alive? Hmmm...) As they frolic in the snow, evil lies in wait beneath the ice. One night some crazy old coot barges into their cabin to tell them a tale of Nazi greed and murder. The Nazi's used to run this mountaintop as their own private fortress and buried a fortune here. The geezer warns them to heed his insane rant or the Nazi's will get them. Sure enough a battalion of Nazi zombies spring up from the snow and attacks the medical students for disturbing their gold. The medical students run for their lives as the undead fascists chase them through the snow. Many Nazi's will die again before this vacation is over.

Nazi zombies. I just like writing that. Nazi zombies. Two of the most evil words in the world. Together at last! Actually, "Dead Snow" is not the first Nazi zombie movie but it is certainly the best. We can thank a bunch of Norwegian film geeks for getting together to make the best Nazi Zombie movie ever made on top of a snow covered mountain. Hands down. Furthermore, "Dead Snow" takes the prize as the best Norwegian zombie movie I've ever seen. And while we're at it, it also wins a prize as the only Norwegian movie I've ever seen. Cheers for Norway!

Of course, "Dead Snow" isn't really full of surprises. You hear the phrase Nazi zombies and you have a pretty good idea of what you should be getting. The good news is that "Dead Snow" delivers what you expect. Nazi zombies are mangled, butchered, crushed and destroyed. The snow will run red with their undead blood.

There are many movie references in "Dead Snow" and most of them are for "Evil Dead". The Nordic geeks who made this movie are clearly in love with 80's slasher movies and wanted to make their own version of one. All of those lovable slasher flick cliches are here. From the isolated cabin in the woods, to the girls who separate when they need each other the most, to the liberal use of chainsaws, all of the classic genre elements are on display.

The Nazi zombies look great in their rotting black uniforms set against the white snow. But my one complaint about the movie is that it didn't really exploit the fact that the zombies were Nazi's. Other than looking good in their German uniforms, they didn't commit any evil you would associate with the Nazis. When I think of Nazi evil, I'm thinking of the obscene decadence that comes with attempting to have total control over others. But in "Dead Snow", the Nazi's zombie side had taken over and all they wanted to do was eat the student's guts.

But "Dead Snow" is still a fun Nazi Zombie movie. It's constructed out of many different 80's horror movie cliches and manages to bring them together very well. It's worth a look.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 Nazi zombies

"Book of Blood" review

2010-05-16T14:40:00.000-07:00

Book of Blood (2009)

Director: John Harrison
Writers: John Harrison Darin Silverman

Jonas Armstrong ... Simon McNeal
Sophie Ward ... Mary Florescu
Clive Russell ... Wyburd
Paul Blair ... Reg Fuller
Romana Abercromby ... Janie
Simon Bamford ... Derek
James Watson ... Jimmy

A guy with hideous scars is wearing a book of blood and a collector wants his skin. Once the hired assassin catches up to his victim, he gives him one last chance to tell his story. The guy spins a tale of ghosts, possessed houses, paranormal activity and highways of the dead. His professor thinks she noticed something special about him and invites him to be part of her experiment. She is investigating a house where a hideous murder happened. She's convinced that the house is haunted and that her student can act as a psychic medium to the dead inhabitants. After long, drawn out sequences where nothing interesting happens, the dead finally make an appearance and want to sign their names on the student's blood soaked skin.

"Book of Blood" clearly shows the challenges of adapting a short story into a movie. They didn't have enough story to justify a movie so they've padded it out with banal dialogue scenes. That way the viewer can be really bored by the time something interesting happens. The first and last fifteen minutes of "Book of Blood" are entertaining. The rest of the movie plods along quietly as your mind wanders onto other topics. Like, why did they pick this Clive Barker story to adapt?

I read "Book of Blood" awhile ago and I remember liking it. I didn't remember a lot of the details but I was interested in seeing this adaptation. Now I can tell you that the filmmakers picked the wrong Clive Barker tale. Not much happens in "Book of Blood". It's filmed in dark, grey colors which gives the movie a dreary look and feel. It's dour and depressing. The ghost hunters shack up in an abandoned house waiting for something interesting to happen. I was waiting too but the ghosts took the long way home. By the time they started writing their stories on his skin, I was completely bored with this movie.

Still, there are some decent scenes to enjoy. My favorite scenes being Sophie Ward commencing on a forbidden love affair with her younger student. There's a great scene where Sophie tries to help her insomniac student get some sleep by using her healing hands. Sophie also a short sex scene with her eager pupil which was pleasant enough. These scenes were very necessary for the movie as there wasn't anything else to do inside the house. Thank you Sophie Ward for saving this movie from oblivion.

"Book of Blood" has some decent gore scenes, a few good Sophie Ward erotic moments and not much else. It takes too long to get to the point and by the time it does you'll be wishing you were watching another Clive Barker movie. Where were the Cenobites when I needed them? It's filmed competently enough but there's not enough horror or suspense to warrant a viewing. It can be skipped.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 books of blood

"The Descent: Part 2" review

2010-05-15T22:55:00.000-07:00

The Descent: Part 2 (2009)

Director: Jon Harris
Writers: J Blakeson James McCarthy

Michael J. Reynolds ... Ed Oswald
Shauna Macdonald ... Sarah
Jessika Williams ... Susanna Small
Douglas Hodge ... Dan
Joshua Dallas ... Greg
Anna Skellern ... Cath
Gavan O'Herlihy ... Vaines
Krysten Cummings... Rios
Doug Ballard ... Dr. Roger Payne
Josh Cole ... Lynch
Saskia Mulder ... Rebecca
Natalie Jackson Mendoza ... Juno (as Natalie Mendoza)

The one survivor from the first "Descent" flick gets thrown back down the shaft. Since she can't seem to recall what happened to her friends, the sheriff decides to force her back into the caves to look for them. There could be survivors! The rescue team decides to skip any strenuous rock climbing and instead takes the express elevator to the bottom. That way they can die faster. The blind CHUDS of the Appalachians are waiting for more meat to enter their lair. They get very excited when their latest dinner course arrives. The rest of the movie has the rescue party needing to get rescued as the CHUDS pounce on them from every angle.

The original "Descent" was a great horror movie. It was one of the few recent horror flicks that actually scared me. Well, it made me jump a few times anyway. Now along comes "Descent Part 2". It has more gore, more monsters and more action. The filmmakers took all of the exploitation elements from the first movie and focused their efforts on providing more, more, more of them. I applaud the filmmakers with their dedication to the art of horror exploitation. Bravo!

So clearly, "Descent 2" is a must see. I loved it. It is one of the best straight to DVD movies I've seen. They have ditched the tension and dark claustrophobia of the first movie in order to provide the viewer with well lit scenes of carnage and mayhem. Where did the extra light come from in an abandoned cave? Who cares?! If you are worrying about little things like that, you don't need to spend your time watching horror movies.

Once the monsters make their first appearance, the movie becomes a series of survival of the fittest scenes. Since these people are trapped in a horror movie, you have a pretty good idea on who is going to survive. The monsters love to go for the jugular. There are many gushing neck wounds in "Descent 2". For the humans, the pickaxe becomes a favorite weapon to dispatch CHUD's to their graves. There are many fine gore scenes to enjoy in "Descent 2". My personal favorite was watching a girl's corpse shake from having one too many rats eat her guts. This was a particularly nasty scene which set the tone for the rest of the movie.

"Descent 2" is a very good horror movie. Gory, exciting and fun. It is definitely worth a look.

SCORE: 3.5 out of 4 CHUD munchers

"The Collector" review

2010-04-25T17:05:00.000-07:00

The Collector (2009)

Director: Marcus Dunstan
Writers: Patrick Melton Marcus Dunstan

Josh Stewart ... Arkin
Michael Reilly Burke ... Michael Chase
Andrea Roth ... Victoria Chase
Juan Fernández ... The Collector
Karley Scott Collins ... Hannah Chase
Daniella Alonso ... Lisa
Haley Pullos ... Cindy (as Haley Alexis Pullos)
Jayme Suzonne Riser ... Bar Dancer
Krystal Mayo ... Bar Dancer (as Krystal Dawn Mayo)

A thief needs to find a way to pay off a debt to his ex-wife. When his new employers go out of town, he jumps at the chance to break into their house. He thinks he's concocted the perfect crime. Unfortunately another criminal is already hard at work inside the house. The Collector has staked a claim on the house and anyone in it. The thief didn't count on a serial killer hanging out in the basement but these are the occupational hazards of burglary. The Collector has seen all of the "Saw" movies and lays out many nasty traps to keep anyone from escaping. The thief must decide whether or not to save his own skin or try to save the family, (that he just met and is stealing from), by matching wits with a vicious psychopath.

"The Collector" is a solid horror movie. I thoroughly enjoyed it. It is mean, vicious and nasty. Just as any good horror movie should be. The filmmakers must have had a list of traps lying around that got rejected from the "Saw" movies and decided that they were too good for the world not to see. They were right. For what says entertainment more than leaving a pile of bear traps on the floor so that some poor body can get mangled by them?

Oh sure, you could make a lot of trivial criticisms against the amazing lack of logic on display here. Like, how could the Collector possibly find the time to set up all of these traps? Why would a burglar care about a family he's stealing from? And why in the world would he actually go back to the house after he has escaped? My friend, if these questions affect your enjoyment of this movie, you don't want to watch B-movies.

For "The Collector" is most assuredly a B-movie and a very good one at that. It manages to keep its heavy horror tone from beginning to end. This was a relief for me as I have become a little tired of seeing horror movies with teens acting obnoxious and then getting slaughtered. "The Collector" has a simple plot which quickly propels the story into the house of horrors.

And I love that it's told from the point of view of the thief. Normally you would expect a horror story to be told from the victim's point of view but here the story is really told from the voyeurs side. The thief could have easily listened to their screams and been on his way. But when the thief tries to stop all of the obscene torture he sees, he'll wish he had stayed true to his nature and continued being a reluctant voyeur.

"The Collector" is a ghoulish horror flick that delights in showing torture in graphic detail. It also enjoys not explaining any of the motivations of the Collector. But when you're watching a horror movie, do you really need to know the motivation of the monster? All you need to know is that they enjoy inflicting pain and suffering and must be destroyed. The Collector might just live on to torture again. That's fine with me. "The Collector" is definitely worth a look.

One last thought, I must mention how much I enjoyed the strip club scene. It's shot in dark red and blue mood lighting. I must have watched this scene a dozen times. It uses the Depeche Mode song "I Feel You" for the soundtrack as the thief makes his way through the club. There was something about the stripper arching her back while smoking under red lights that drove me insane. Not insane enough to collect her mind you, but it's these kinds of subtly sleazy scenes that I cherish.

SCORE: 3.5 out of 4 collectors

"Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever" review

2010-04-24T23:11:00.000-07:00

Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever (2009)

Director: Ti West
Writers: Joshua Malkin Randy Pearlstein

Rider Strong ... Paul
Noah Segan ... John
Alexander Isaiah Thomas ... Dane
Giuseppe Andrews ... Winston
Alexi Wasser ... Cassie
Regan Deal ... Liz
Michael Bowen ... Principal Sinclair
Amanda Jelks ... Frederica
Angela Oberer ... Ms. Hawker
Lindsey Axelsson ... Sandy
Lila Lucchetti ... Karen
Andrea Powell ... Lucille

Bottled water brings the plague to the high school prom. The deadly disease, (was it ever given a name?), returns from the first movie to wreck havoc during the most important night of these teenagers short lives. The teenage characters in this movie run the gauntlet of teenage character cliches. There's a horny fat guy, a nice guy who likes a nice girl who's dating a jerk, a promiscuous girl who spreads the disease faster than contaminated bottled water and a host of other forgettable characters. And then there's the only connection to the first movie, the whiney, gutless deputy who runs from any sort of law enforcement duty. They'll all have to deal with the moral dilemma of either trying to survive or attempting to save their disease-ridden friends.

Healthy teens consume tainted water and die. That pretty much sums up "Cabin Fever 2". There's not a cabin in sight in "Cabin Fever 2". There isn't even any kind of fever. The filmmakers clearly felt the tension created from your body slowly rotting away was too drawn out and dull for their tastes. Now the disease kills you right away so we don't have to wait long for the victims to cough up their guts. Their sequel plan was simple. Less cabins! More gore! Teens love watching other teens die horribly. If you love watching teenager puke out blood, this is the movie you've been waiting for.

I suppose you could choose to believe that there are characters in this movie but it would be more beneficial just to think of them as future skin disease victims. "Cabin Fever 2" starts off by introducing a couple of typical teens getting ready for their prom. That way it'll be helpful later on so we can identify their corpses. All of the cliches end up at the prom and die as any good prom cliches should die. They drink the spiked punch. Never drink the punch at the prom. Especially punch that has been used as a toilet by infected cretins.

But then again, the prom scene is the best part of "Cabin Fever 2". The government gets actively involved in preventing the disease from spreading and locks the high school down. This allows the filmmakers to showcase their skills in staging a prom massacre scene. Blood flies in all directions as teen after teen coughs up blood. A few manage to get away only to end up coughing up blood in other rooms. There is plenty of blood and guts spilled as the teens try to escape the wrath of a vengeful social disease.

"Cabin Fever 2" is a brainless sequel filled with carnage and mayhem. It actually poses an interesting question. What is the appeal of these movies? Is a cabin necessary to make a "Cabin Fever" sequel? Is watching people die of a skin disease enough of an enticement for entertainment? The filmmakers clearly believed that having victims march off to a remote cabin was superfluous to their plans as it would only delay the inevitable. They had gallons of blood to spill and didn't want to waste time doing it.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 bloody proms

"Hanger" review

2010-04-12T00:10:00.000-07:00

Hanger (2009)

Director: Ryan Nicholson
Writers: Ryan Nicholson Patrick Coble

Debbie Rochon... Rose
Dan Ellis... The John
Nathan Dashwood... Hanger
Ronald Patrick Thompson... Leroy
Lloyd Kaufman... Melvina the Tranny
Wade Gibb... Russell
Alastair Gamble... Phil
Candice Lewald... Nicole (as Candice Le)
Nadia Grey... Smashy
Stephanie Walker... Trashy
Michelle Grady... Trixie the Mangled Whore

Debbie Rochon is pregnant and her pimp doesn't like it. He decides to be proactive with Debbie's due date and yanks her fetus right out of her womb. Debbie doesn't survive her motel room abortion but the baby does. He grows up to be Hanger, a hideously scarred freak with a penchant for extreme violence. Hanger's dad finds him and gets him a job working with some other freaks at the city dump. Hanger gets set up in a new apartment with a roommate who has a thing for beer, porn and used tampons. Life couldn't get any better for Hanger. Unfortunately Debbie's old pimp shows up and is looking for revenge. Hanger's dad will stand up for the freak so that Hanger can live to find some meaning to his almost aborted, violent life.

The filmmakers behind "Live Feed" and "Gutterballs" return for another nasty exploitation movie. I really liked "Live Feed" but thought "Gutterballs" was far too obnoxious too enjoy. Now along comes "Hanger". The director, (Ryan Nicholson), is turning into a sleaze auteur. First he tackles the sordid world of snuff films. Then comes his take on 80's slasher flicks. And now the aborted baby revenge flick "Hanger" crawls its way out of the uterus for our presumed enjoyment.

By all accounts, I should have liked "Hanger". It had all the elements I normally associate with fine cinema. Sex, violence, topless women, deranged psychos and female masturbation on top of a desk with a Hello Kitty product. Nothing says Oscar season like rubbing one out with your Hello Kitty doll.

But "Hanger" turns out to be a random assortment of sleaze moments that lead nowhere. It's a movie with no real purpose other than to delight its audience with bad acting, sporadic gore and aborted baby revenge. "Hanger" meanders through various sleaze scenarios but it turns into a chore to watch as the freaks slowly get around to beating and penetrating each other. The pacing of the freak show was a little sluggish and caused my mind to wander. Mostly I was thinking why I was bothering to watch this movie.

Although "Hanger" does have some charming traits so it's not completely worthless. Candice Lewald deserves special mention for her brilliant rendition of a secretary in heat. Her scene masturbating on her desk is a fine B-movie moment. There are some other topless women in this movie and they are all appreciated. Ryan Nicholson also deserves some kudos for standing by his convictions and packing as much extreme sexual violence in his films as possible. He has shown a rare commitment to the art of exploitation and it is to be commended. Well, at least it is by me.

But "Hanger" turns out to be less than the sum of its parts. Random sleazebag scenes cannot hold the movie together until the end. The main problem with "Hanger" is Hanger. He doesn't do much. He was not as committed to his blood lust as I was hoping he would be. His dad does most of the killing for him. This leaves Hanger plenty of time to hang around his apartment with his bloody tampon loving roommate. Not exactly the kind of homicidal attitude you're looking for in your repressed psycho killers.

Overall, "Hanger" can be skipped. It has some nasty, sleazy moments but they're not enough to warrant a viewing. Unless you're in desperate need to see the horrors of a B-movie abortion up close, you can let this one go.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 no choice abortions

"Bitch Slap" review

2010-04-11T02:15:00.000-07:00

Bitch Slap (2009)

Director: Rick Jacobson
Writers: Eric Gruendemann Rick Jacobson

Julia Voth ... Trixie
Erin Cummings ... Hel
America Olivo ... Camero
Michael Hurst ... Gage
Ron Melendez ... Deputy Fuchs
William Gregory Lee ... Hot Wire
Minae Noji ... Kinki
Kevin Sorbo ... Mr. Phoenix
Lucy Lawless ... Mother Superior

Three hot women hit the road to look for a stash of diamonds. They arrive at a decrepit trailer in the desert to look for the loot. Through a series of flashbacks we learn that the filmmakers enjoyed "Sin City" and want their movie to use the same special effects. Since they can't afford any more location shooting, almost all of the movie takes place in front of a run down, dilapidated, trailer. The ladies sweat, curse, yell, make out, and eventually start slapping each other as they come to grips with their B-movie situation. They need to figure out how to make an entertaining movie about three women and a trailer. Start slapping ladies.

"Bitch Slap" is a movie that I should have loved. I should be writing about how the three bitch slapping women in this movie drove me insane with lust with their cat fighting skills. I should be drooling over every curve of their voluptuous bodies. "Bitch Slap" looked like a fine piece of sleaze cinema and I was ready to make a love connection. But therein lies the tragedy behind "Bitch Slap". It is not sleaze cinema. It is not a throwback to sleaze cinema. It is nowhere close to sleaze cinema. While its lack of grimy exploitation may excite certain moviegoers, I was devastated.

There is one crucial element missing from "Bitch Slap" that prevents it from reaching the lofty heights of a true exploitation movie. Simply put, there is no exploitation in "Bitch Slap". When you advertise three sexy women slapping the sweat off of each other, you better make sure to include plenty of gratuitous nudity. After all, if the ladies are beating the snot out of each other, there must surely be a wardrobe malfunction (or two). It is with a heavy heart that I must inform you that there is no nudity in this so-called exploitation movie. For shame.

"Bitch Slap" is a fake exploitation movie. It is another bait and switch B-movie that tries to trick you into renting it with false promises of sex, violence and hard bodied women. There aren't any sex scenes, nude scenes or any scenes of blood and guts. So someone explain to me why any sane person would consider this an exploitation movie. The only thing "Bitch Slap" delivers on is plenty of girl fights. There is more than one scene of girls slapping each other. But if you've ever seen hot women wrestling with each other, you've already seen the best parts of this movie.

Although the ladies were lovely to look at, (especially Julia Voth), "Bitch Slap" let me down. It did not deliver on the implicit agreement that exploitation films make to their audience. Show me the exploitation! The only thing that gets exploited are the fans of these movies. The desire for sleaze entertainment is strong and the bitch slapping women knew that. I have been slapped and I wish I could say I liked it.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 slapped bitches

"Smash Cut" review

2010-03-27T22:47:00.000-07:00

Smash Cut (2009)

Director: Lee Demarbre
Writer: Ian Driscoll

David Hess ... Able Whitman
Jesse Buck ... Isaac Beaumonde
Michael Berryman ... Philip Farmsworth Jr.
Ray Sager ... Reverend Ezekial Boone
Sasha Grey ... April Carson
Jennilee Murray ... Georgina Carson / Gigi Spot

A bad movie review drives a director insane. Able Whitman's, (David Hess), soul needs inspiration so he can start making horror movies that people actually want to watch. He runs into the warm embrace of his stripper muse looking for something inspiring in her lap dance. After a horrific car accident, her mangled corpse provides the spark he needs to start making blood soaked horror again. His movies needed to be more realistic in their portrayal of murder and mayhem. He decides that the only way to get the shots he needs is to kill everyone who has hurt him. Unfortunately it turns out that everyone he knows has hurt him. It won't be long before they all feel the homicidal wrath of an angry B-movie director.

There are a lot of exploitation icons in "Smash Cut". David Hess, Michael Berryman and Herschell Gordon Lewis all make appearances. David Hess is the frustrated director on a homicide binge. Berryman is the nervous studio head and Lewis shows up as intrepid reporter Sasha Grey's boss. The filmmakers wanted to show their love for the exploitation arts so they invited some notorious characters into their movie. While seeing horror and exploitation icons jump back into B-movies can be fun, their appearance in "Smash Cut" feels like the sole reason this movie exists.

I thought "Smash Cut" was going to be vehicle for Sasha Grey to strut her stuff in a horror flick but it turns out the filmmakers are more in love with David Hess. Now I liked Hess in "House on the Edge of the Park" and in other nasty horror flicks but I think the filmmakers priorities are a little skewed. Sasha should have taken center stage here. Haven't watching all of these exploitation movies taught us anything? Women are always the stars of these movies. They scream the best, run from maniacs the fastest and look good taking long showers to wash the blood off of their bodies. David Hess has some fine qualities but not nearly as fine as Sasha Grey.

Sasha Grey is an interesting character. If you've read anything about her, it becomes apparent how deadly serious she takes being a porn star. Rough sex is the brand she's selling and she does it very well. But the filmmakers fail to capitalize on her nasty reputation because they're too busy fawning over their exploitation idols. Sasha runs around the film set trying to find out what happened to her missing family member. It turns out Hess is using her dead relative for props in his movie. While this clearly should have led to a scene where Hess has rough sex with Sasha, (to get her to confess her deceitful sins), the filmmakers decided to let Sasha stay pure and not engage in any sort of carnal activity. For shame.

So without any Sasha Grey sex scenes, (or even nudity!), what else is there? "Smash Cut" is a collection of cheap gore scenes as Hess runs wild over every person he's ever met. Every gore scene is played for laughs as Hess uses a variety of instruments of death to get the job done. A knife, a nail gun, and even a harpoon is used to spill the guts of his enemies. While the blood is plentiful, the effects are too cheap and shoddy to be anywhere close to shocking. Even an eye-gouging scene can't horrify as it's clear that some poor doll is getting its fake eye mangled.

"Smash Cut" has some fun scenes as Hess laments the state of low budget filmmaking by morosely slaughtering his enemies. But it wasn't quite the exploitation movie it could have been. Sasha Grey is featured on the DVD cover and could have shouldered more of the exploitation burden. If the filmmakers would have let her explore her dark side, "Smash Cut" could have been so much more than the standard B-movie it is. You must never let a porn star go to waste. Any exploitation fan should know that.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 intrepid Sashas

Michael Whiteacre and the Adult PSA shoot

2010-03-23T01:37:00.000-07:00

Here's a story for your enjoyment of porno stars, PSA's and the beautiful San Fernando Valley. A journey into the unknown for Dr. Gore.

So I received an email last week from director Michael Whiteacre. Mr. Whiteacre wanted to let me know he was shooting anti-piracy Public Service Announcements for the Adult Film Business. It was going to be Monday night in the Valley and I was welcome to stop by. To seal the deal he listed all of the porn stars that were going to be there. The list I received was as follows:

Alektra Blue
Belladonna
Lisa Ann
Kimberly Kane
Charlie Laine
Kaylani Lei
Kayden Kross
Angelina Armani
Joanna Angel
Julie Meadows
Nicki Hunter
Ron Jeremy
Cousin Stevie

This was a tough one all right. A real dilemma for me. A soul searching conundrum that kept me up at night. Did I want to drive to the Valley to see Michael direct porno stars in a PSA? Of course I did. I've been talking to Mr. Whiteacre for awhile and always wanted to see his directing skills in action. That and Lisa Ann is freaking hot.

So I hopped in the car and drove over the hill to the Valley. It was a long and arduous journey that gave me some time to think about the porn star situation I was heading into. I was a bit nervous since I had never been in a room full of porn stars before. I wasn't sure what was waiting for me so my mind wandered off into two extreme possibilities.

The first scenario was a "Boogie Nights" orgy scene with mass carnal activity breaking out as they waited for Whiteacre to shoot their scene. I foresaw a pile of cocaine on the cabinet while techno music and disco balls pumped and swayed through the night. This possibility frightened me as I wasn't quite ready for Caligula in the Valley. But I felt if anyone could direct an orgy, it would be Whiteacre.

The other possibility slowly entered my mind as I got closer and closer to the Valley. I took in the facts of the situation and came to a more rational conclusion than my X-rated fantasy. It was Monday night. The porn stars were working for free. Whiteacre had a lot of people to film in a short time span. There wasn't going to be any party. This was work, work, work. My mind sobered up to the situation. Porn stars don't give it away for free. They'll help out for a PSA but orgies will cost you.

So I finally got to the address after managing to drive by it twice. The shooting location was in a completely nondescript brick building. The kind of building that you would pass a hundred times and never notice. In other words, a perfect location. There won't be any surprise visitors showing up here.

Actually there was a surprise visitor at the shoot and it was me. I walked in the front door and was stared at like I was from outer space. But Mr. Whiteacre's friend Joanne recognized me and said that he was filming. The red light was flashing which could only mean that PSA's were rolling. There wasn't any cocaine in sight but there was a lovely vegetable tray. The carrots were delicious.

When the red light was turned off, I made my way onto the set. After saying hello to Mr. Whiteacre, the PSA train started rolling again. They were getting porn stars to admonish consumers to stop downloading porn for free. But not in an angry tone, (per Whiteacre's direction), but in a disappointed one. I had gotten there around 8:15 so I missed four or five PSA's. The first one I saw was with Alektra Blue.

Now I'm going to refrain from commenting on the individual PSA's as far as who did better than others. Although I have to say Ron Jeremy pretty much nailed it. He reminded me of that scene in "The Simpsons" where Krusty the clown bursts into the recording studio to do voice-over work, gets it in one take and then takes off immediately saying "Learn from a professional kid." Mr. Whiteacre was working like a madman to keep everything on track. I never saw him sit down nor did I see anyone take any breaks. From 6:00PM until 12:15AM, it was non-stop filming of porno PSA's.

The porn star I really wanted to see was Lisa Ann. She was certainly the highlight for me. No one has sex as Sarah Palin better than Lisa Ann. She walked onto the set in a tight purple shirt. So far so good. But I didn't want to interrupt the flow of the PSA shoot with some gibberish about how hot she is so I controlled myself from bothering her. However after Whiteacre was done with his shot, I managed to get a picture of her. Then I got one with me and her together. Notice the uncanny resemblance I have to David Hasselhoff. I wish I could tell you that Lisa Ann and I connected in a deep, meaningful way but I can't. She made a beeline out of the building a minute or two after that picture was taken. Farewell Lisa Ann. We'll always have this memory. Well, at least I will.

After Lisa Ann, the porn stars kept rolling in. Kimberly Kane showed up and was laughing just looking at Whiteacre. He had directed her in the still unreleased "Call Girl Daughters" and she was running the gauntlet of emotions dealing with Mr. Whiteacre.

Aggravated.

Exasperated.

Consoling.

Estatic.

The final porn star of the night was Charlie Laine. I had seen her in "Voodoo Dollz" and was excited about watching her work. She filmed a PSA just like the others but then filmed a second scene which involved taking her shirt off. Thank you Ms. Laine. You've just made my night. To make sure the scene went just right, Whiteacre got on the floor and removed her shirt for her to reveal her breasts. This is selfless dedication to your craft. There were happy-faced pasties on her nipples which conveyed the joy Charlie felt for people who don't steal her movies on the internet. So if you watch the Charlie Laine PSA, just know that it was Whiteacre who stripped her. A cherished memory for me.

I left the Valley that night a changed man. I had seen a parade of porno stars extolling the virtues of honesty and I was a better man for it. It wasn't quite the Boogie Night I thought it could be but in hindsight I'm not sure why I would imagine that. It must be because when I think of Whiteacre, I think of Call Girl Wives, Busty Cops and now Porno PSA's. He always manages to live an interesting life and for one night, I got to partake in a little part of it.

That's a wrap.

"The Hills Have Thighs" review

2010-03-07T22:14:00.000-08:00

The Hills Have Thighs (2010)

Director: Jim Wynorski
Writer: Jim Wynorski

Frankie Cullen
Glori-Anne Gilbert
Rebecca Love
Kylee Nash
Brandin Rackley
Julie K. Smith
Diana Terranova

Julie Smith and friends are canvassing the desert for a place to have sex. One of their friends was last seen wandering through the valley of the large breasted cave women and hasn't been seen since. Can't they just let the man be? Maybe he doesn't want to be saved. But since he was good in the sack his friends need to find him. He is being held captive by mutated wild women Kylee Nash and Rebecca Love. They want to keep humping him until they drain him dry or until they find some other poor soul to satisfy their insatiable desire. Julie Smith and Brandin Rackley need to have plenty of sex so that they can have the strength to leave no stone unturned in their quest to ruin their friends cave girl orgy.

Speaking as a man who can't get enough of watching Julie Smith engage in erotic pleasure, I enjoyed "The Hills have Thighs". Horny B-movie kingpin Jim Wynorski invades late night cable with another large breasted homage to himself. Every sex scene has been filmed in some form or another in a previous Wynorski movie so why tamper with a proven formula. This time he is smart enough to let Julie Smith and her amazing breasts have three solid sex scenes. The first one has Julie showing her fidelity to her husband with some healthy marital sex in a motel room. The second scene has Julie and Brandin taking a break from their searching and indulging in some desert sapphic delight. The last scene has Julie under the influence of a sex spell and banging her friend's husband. All of these scenes showcased Julie's carnal skills and left me in awe of her as usual.

One of the exploitation elements you can always depend on in a Wynorski movie is large breasted women popping their tops. You can't depend on much else but I always take comfort in knowing that at least Wynorski loves topless women in movies as much as I do. Kylee Nash is the leader of the cave women and has plenty of cave women sex. She is frothing at the mouth during most of her sex scenes like any horny cave woman should. Her breasts are extra large and she unleashes them in many scenes for the viewer to enjoy. Rebecca Love is another large breasted wild woman who gets to release her cave woman breasts during many frantic sex scenes. Brandin Rackley is fun to watch as she seems to enjoy rolling around with whomever is naked with her at the time. And have I mentioned how much I like watching Julie Smith? Just amazing man. She has to be seen.

"The Hills have Thighs" is a typical Wynorski late night softcore movie. It has Julie Smith and her mind blowing body running wild so you know it's got to be good. Wynorski cut out a lot of filler to create a lean softcore flick that's heavy on sex and not much else. If you're up late one night and the "The Hills have Thighs" is on, it's worth a look. The women are savage and the breasts are abundant. You may want to stay lost in these hills.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 Julie Smith hills and thighs

There's gold in those hills.

"One-Eyed Monster" review

2010-02-14T17:03:00.000-08:00

One-Eyed Monster (2008)

Director: Adam Fields
Writers: Adam Fields Jordan Fields

Amber Benson ... Laura
Jason Graham ... Jonah
Charles Napier ... Mohtz
Jeff Denton ... Jim
Caleb Mayo ... T.J.
Bart Fletcher ... Lance
Jenny Guy ... Wanda
Veronica Hart ... Veronica
John Edward Lee ... Rock
Carmen Hart ... Angel
Frank Noel ... Bus Driver
Ron Jeremy ... Ron

Ron Jeremy's one-eyed monster is on the loose. While making a porno up in the mountains, an alien spacecraft spots Ron's member and decides it needs to have it. The aliens send down a shaft of light which infests Ron's mind with thoughts of sex and depravity. Since Jeremy's mind is always infested with sex and depravity, the beam goes to work on detaching Ron's unit from his body. The one-eyed monster makes a run for it so it can go to work on impregnating all willing and unwilling females. The rest of the crew will have to figure out a way to stop Ron Jeremy's alien pecker from killing them all.

"One-Eyed Monster" is the second movie with a rampaging penis I've seen this month. I'm very proud to say that. "Bad Biology" also had a horny penis attacking every orifice it could penetrate. Maybe the monster pecker movie could become its own sub-genre in B-movies. For the penis is a monster that loves to run free and strike out into dangerous territory. A monster penis movie also makes it possible to show scenes of delirious exploitation.

Although you'd think a movie about Ron Jeremy's rampaging dick would lend itself to scene after scene of wild debauchery you'd be wrong. For a horror comedy about an alien possessed penis, "One-Eyed Monster" is deadly serious. Everybody in the movie plays it straight. It wasn't quite the alien pecker party I was hoping for. Once Ron's member breaks free, it makes a bee-line right for the one topless girl in the cast. After it finishes her off there are no other topless porno babes in sight. While it makes sense that Jeremy's monster couldn't resist the topless woman, it was not the right call for the filmmakers to make. They should have saved her until the end or at least killed a couple of the guys first.

I think that's the main problem with "One-Eyed Monster". It's a sausage party with too many guys hanging around the porno set. Charles Napier actually shows up for no reason so he can give a monologue about the penis monster he met back in 'Nam. There's a science dork who has perfected a machine that allows you to bang any chick in the world. There's also the egotistical director and the egotistical actor. But where are the women? How is Ron Jeremy' monster supposed to get all the action it can handle when you skimp out on the babes? Veronica Hart, (from the great "Amanda by Night"), shows up to put her MILF body to good use but it's not enough to save the movie.

Although "One-Eyed Monster" has some funny scenes and is well acted, (especially Jason Graham who plays his role in the alien penis movie with utmost sincerity), it doesn't need to be seen. It had a lot of potential but it doesn't take the time to explore the fantastic possibilities that Ron Jeremy's possessed penis had to offer. But if you do end up watching it,there's always some entertainment value when Ron Jeremy and his member show up.

One last thought, "One-Eyed Monster" fails in handling the single most crucial element in the film. The one-eyed monster does not look like Jeremy's penis. I've seen that penis in action and I can assure you that the rubber dick strangling people is not the legendary porn shaft we have all grown to admire. Ron Jeremy's member is not just a dangling piece of porno meat. It is THE dangling piece of porno meat. It's what we mortal men look up to. His mighty member was probably too scary for the filmmakers so they had to go for a stunt double. Ron Jeremy is a source of admiration and one day his proud pecker will be encased in gold for all the world to treasure. Well, maybe not but Ron Jeremy's one eyed monster is still pretty scary.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 Ron Jeremy monsters

The man.

The Myth.The Legend.

Is there anything he can't do?

"Blood Scarab" review

2010-02-04T22:08:00.000-08:00

Blood Scarab (2008)

Director: Donald F. Glut
Writer: Donald F. Glut

Monique Parent ... Countess Elizabeth Bathory (as Monique T. Parent)
Del Howison ... Renfield
Brinke Stevens ... Professor Foran
Tony Clay ... Dracula
Natasha Diakova ... Mina
Cindy Pucci ... Tanya
Christina Morris ... Samantha
Angelica Monro ... Hathor
Ange Maya ... Hathor's Handmaiden
Veronica ... Hathor's Handmaiden
Jackeline Olivier ... Elana

Mia Zottoli... Hor Sep Sut (as Ava Niche)

Dracula and his wife, (Monique Parent), are getting bored with the constraints of being a vampire. After Dracula dies because he was peeping too long at some naked women, Monique decides she needs to find a way to stay in the sun. Her trusty man servant reads about some old B-movies like "The Mummy's Kiss" and learns that the key to immortality is a cheap mummy. Through a convoluted series of events, a mummy's naked soul is released and grants Monique the power to get a suntan on one condition. She must suck the blood out of three topless women. Monique is up to the task of pleasing her new goddess.

"Blood Scarab" is a pointless movie but it's still strangely watchable. There are many B-movie elements raging throughout the movie that gives you the illusion that an interesting movie is about to start. There are vampires, mummies, blood, random topless women, topless Egyptian goddesses, a flashback to a topless Mia Zottoli, and Monique Parent's legs. Surely something exciting is bound to happen. But after many false starts, it became apparent that the filmmakers weren't sure what kind of movie they wanted to make. It's neither fish nor fowl, softcore or horror. All they knew is that if there's a random topless women every ten minutes, the audience will stay awake until the end.

I rented "Blood Scarab" because I saw that Mia Zottoli was in it. This excited me because I hadn't seen a new Zottoli movie in awhile. But it turns out that Mia's appearance in the movie is just a flashback to a brief sex scene in "The Mummy's Kiss". At least "Blood Scarab" had the sense to get some naked scenes of Mia in the movie. But where is Mia these days? Somebody please bring her back to life. The B-movie world needs her. Well if not, I'd still appreciate it.

While Monique Parent's legs are amazing, "Blood Scarab" doesn't have enough vampire (or mummy) sleaze to demand a viewing. It can be skipped. Although if you do end up watching it, there is something gratifying about watching Monique use her long legs to seduce any female she lays eyes on. But none of the seduction scenes last long enough for pure lesbian vampire satisfaction. Monique sunk her fangs too quickly into their ample bosoms for my tastes. Mistress Monique needed to take her time and enjoy the perks of being a day-walking Egyptian vampire goddess.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Monique Parent legs

Mistress Monique and friend.