"All the Boys Love Mandy Lane" review

All the Boys Love Mandy Lane (2006) Director:Jonathan Levine Writer:Jacob Forman Amber Heard ... Mandy Lane Anson Mount ... Garth Whitney Able ... Chloe Michael Welch ... Emmet

Mandy Lane is casting her spell on all of the boys. All the boys love Mandy Lane. The jocks, the nerds, the cool nerds who do a lot of drugs....They all want her. One of the boys invites Mandy to his secluded ranch in the hopes of taking Mandy's prized virginity away from her. Who will win the battle for Mandy's first penetration? Much drugs and booze will be consumed in the quest to deflower Ms. Lane. But there's a complication to the Mandy copulation plan. A killer is stalking the teens and picking off Mandy's admirers one by one. Who is this deranged killer? Does he want in on the Mandy Lane action? Does anyone care that this is supposed to be a horror movie? Mandy Lane is apparently so seductive that she beguiled the filmmakers into ditching the slasher movie in favor of more monotonous scenes of Mandy Lane. In a horror movie, it's very important that the cast understand that they are in a horror movie. At some point in the narrative, they must be made aware that there is some sort of monster/slasher/killer trying to end their lives in a violent fashion. The cast of "All the Boys Love Mandy Lane" are not aware of this fact until the last twenty minutes of the film. Instead we are treated to scenes of Mandy Lane being hit on without mercy. That is the main premise of this movie.  Unrequited love is how Mandy Lane operates. She stares at men and pulls her blond hair behind her ears and the boys go crazy. I only wish the killer would have gone crazy sooner so the boys would have stopped ogling Mandy and the horror movie could have started. So all the boys seem to love Mandy Lane. But do I love Mandy Lane? As a teen seductress, she doesn't really do much. She just seems to exist and that's enough for the boys. The song "Sister Goldenhair" is sung twice to let us know that the blonde Mandy Lane is simply irresistible. She is a blond virgin and that is enough. I didn't quite fall under her spell but kept hoping that she was going to show us why she was so desirable. Mandy Lane never really proved that she was worthy of such blind admiration which made all of the eventual bloodshed fairly pointless. Why die for Mandy Lane? Why do anything for Mandy Lane? Why watch a movie about Mandy Lane? The film offers no answers. Eventually the producers of this film remembered that they were supposed to deliver a horror movie and let loose a little blood and guts in the last fifteen minutes of the movie. But by then it was too late to save Mandy Lane from being another slasher misfire. If Mandy Lane could have been the object of teen lust that I was hoping she was going to be, I may have forgiven the movie for delaying the start of the horror movie. But Mandy Lane shows no love for horror fans until the bitter end. I wanted to love you Mandy, but you rejected me like all the others. What does it take to make you happy? Oh Mandy,  you came and you gave without taking. And I sent you away, Oh Mandy!

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 Mandy Lanes

Oh Mandy. You came and you didn't kiss the girl in the bathroom scene. And I sent you away! Oh Mandy!

"Hypnotika" review

"Hypnotika" (2013)
Directed by: Who knows?
Written by: a maniac

Julie K. Smith . . . Hot babe

A lonely nerd wants to score with women. But not just any women. He has his sights set on Julie Smith. He's shooting for the stars. There's only one problem. Julie Smith is not impressed and doesn't want him. That's a big problem. She's seen it all, done it all. What could possibly excite a woman in Julie Smith's league? Hypnotika is the answer. It's a device that allows you to create dreams that feel real. Or was it a way to hypnotize women into wanting you?  Or maybe it was a remote control that plugged you into other people's dreams? Ahh who cares? Julie Smith is in the movie and she's amazing. That's all that matters.

"Hypnotika" is the story of Julie Smith's breasts. Well, not really but it's the only thing worth mentioning. My God her breasts are magnificent. There were a lot of top heavy women in this movie but none of them came close to matching Julie's amazing tits. Kylee Nash has her own abundant charm but her breasts are just not as awe-inspiring as Julie's.

There are plenty of sex scenes in "Hypnotika" to keep your mind occupied as you wonder whether or not you're watching someone's dream of carnal delights or an implanted fantasy. "Hypnotika" has a complicated plot for a late night skin flick. Either that or I was drinking too much. After the third beer I had given up trying to follow the story and waited patiently for Julie Smith to slink back into someone's fantasy.

Most of the sex scenes are standard quality for a B-flick. They go something like this: Disrobe, lick, grind, female performers end scene by staring at camera while unseen director shouts instructions to stare at camera.The only sex scene worth highlighting is at the very end. Julie and the nerd finally get it on in an tour de force performance by Julie. It made me want to live! It reaffirmed my lust for Ms. Smith and her stunning body.

So if you want to watch Julie Smith bounce around people's fantasies, "Hypnotika" has plenty of Julie for your money. If you have any other reason to watch this movie, don't bother. Julie Smith is the only reason. She is the ultimate fantasy woman.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 fantasy woman