Monday, May 30, 2011

"Mega Piranha" review

Mega Piranha (2010)

Director: Eric Forsberg
Writer: Eric Forsberg

Paul Logan ... Jason Fitch
Tiffany ... Sarah Monroe
Barry Williams ... Bob Grady
David Labiosa ... Colonel Antonio Diaz
Jude Gerard Prest ... Dr. Brian Higgins
Jesse Daly ... Dr. Eli Gordon
Cooper Harris ... Lt. Julia
William Morse ... Lt. Stritch

Mega Piranha are on the loose and only an 80's pop star can save the world. Tiffany is the resident super genius, (or is that mega genius?), who knows everything there is to know about Mega Piranha. A hunky special forces soldier has come to the Amazon to figure out why the American Ambassador was torn into a million pieces. Tiffany holds all the answers as they try to get away, into the night, and then he puts his arms around her and they tumble to the ground and then he says, "I think we're alone now." But they're not! Mega Piranha keep eating everything in sight and keep growing and growing until they've reached the size of Super Pac-man. Trying to figure out how to defeat a mega Piranha is like trying to solve a Rubik's Cube. Somebody call the A-Team! Stop me before I run out of 80's references!

It's going to be very hard to describe "Mega Piranha" without using the word cheesy. Cheesy is the word the captures the acting, special effects, mood, story and everything else associated with this movie. "Mega Piranha" is shot as a hyperactive action movie with ridiculous piranha inhaling every object, (living or otherwise), that gets in their way. I suppose the filmmakers deserve a little credit for trying to take this subject matter seriously. But whether they take it seriously or not, "Mega Piranha" is still a cheesy B-movie that was made to be forgotten.

There are two scenes in "Mega Piranha" that are worth mentioning so that you don't have to actually watch this movie. They both involve piranha flying out of the water. The first one has the soldier swimming out of a river full of piranha. As he sits on the beach, a mega piranha jumps out of the water and howls at him as he leaps for his throat. This ends in a mano-a-teeth battle to the death. The second scene has the same soldier on a different beach. This time the piranha show that they have learned their lesson from the first battle and attack in waves. Fortunately the soldier is trained for just such a situation and uses his feet to kick them back in the water. These two scenes highlight the total entertainment value of this movie.

The rest of "Mega Piranha" is a headache-inducing, cheeseball action movie. Unless you're dying for piranha mega cheese, this one can be skipped. The only thing else worth mentioning is the presence of Tiffany. There's something important about Tiffany that needs to be said: Tiffany has an amazing rack. Yes, it's true. It's also true that "Mega Piranha" did not exploit this 80's pop star as much as it should have. I don't believe she ever said "I think we're alone now". I was waiting for it but I'm pretty sure she never said any lines from her hot cover song. What a shame. The beating of her heart was the only sound...

SCORE: 2 out of 4 mega Tiffany's

Tiffany in all her glory:

Sunday, May 22, 2011

"Lady Chatterly's Ghost" review

Lady Chatterly's Ghost

Director: Fred Olen Ray

Writer: Fred Olen Ray

Vanessa Brink ... Sophia
Jessie Lunderby ... Connie
Nick Manning ... Keith
Holly Sampson ... Sandra
Randy Spears ... Charles

Holly Sampson is in love with ghosts. She's reading Lady Chatterley's Lover and she's horny for the classics. Her husband introduces her to a blonde woman who may be the possessed spirit of Lady Chatterly. Or is she an earthly manifestation of the book? Ahh, who cares? All I know is that there was a lot of mediocre bumping and grinding going on in this late night skin flick. Lady Chatterly would be ashamed.

"Lady Chatterly's Ghost" is a dud. The ghost is rolling over in her grave at having to endure this softcore misfire. There is not one good sex scene in this movie. Holly Sampson shows up as the main character and I was hoping she was going to show us some of her Tiger Woods magic. Was she a mistress of Woods or just a one-time fling of his? Ahh, who cares? All I know is that she was bragging about bagging Woods and I wanted to see her carnal skills in action. I must say I was disappointed. Although I don't blame Woods for wanting Holly for himself. She is quite lovely even if this movie doesn't let her show off her erotic expertise.

Every sex scene in "Lady Chatterly's Ghost" is shooting blanks. There was only one scene that held any promise. Jessie Lunderby, (The Ghost), is having sex with another woman on a couch. Lunderby, (who gives an incredible monotone performance), doesn't have a clue what she's doing. As Lunderby lies on her back, the woman goes in to lick her breasts. So far so good. But Lunderby cannot keep her hands to herself and keeps touching the woman's hair over and over again. She is clearly breaking lesbian porn rule 101: Never let the performers hair get in the way of the shot. The woman keeps moving Lunderby's hand away but Lunderby cannot stop touching her freaking hair. At the end of the scene, the woman is making love to Lunderby's rear end just so she can keep some distance from Lunderby's hands. It's no use as Lunderby reaches back to touch her head again. I don't know what Lunderby's obsession is with hair but it was obviously disconcerting to her partner and to me as well.

There isn't anything interesting, stimulating or erotic about "Lady Chatterly's Ghost". This ghost needs to find eternal rest and stop haunting late night cable. Although I hope that Holly Sampson shows up in some more of these movies. I have a feeling she can show us how potent her sex magic can be. If it's good enough for Tiger Woods, it's good enough for me.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 Holly's Woods

Saturday, May 14, 2011

"The Devil and Shelley Lubben" review

The Devil and Shelley Lubben

Shelley Lubben hates porn. She hates the people involved in it and everything they stand for. But most of all, she wants you to know how much she hates it. She is crusading against the sins of pornography. A one time adult movie performer, Lubben is lashing out against the industry that has caused her numerous health and emotional problems. Of course she was a downtown L.A. prostitute for many years as well. Could that have had something to do with her physical and mental well being/breakdown? Hmmm...

"The Devil and Shelley Lubben" is a documentary about the sins, lies and deceitfulness of Shelley Lubben. Well, at least as perceived by director Michael Whiteacre and numerous adult industry players. Whiteacre is the director of the superior softcore film "Call Girl Wives" who is wearing his activist hat to expose the hypocrisies of Shelley Lubben. She has gotten under people's collective skin and the two episodes on the internet, (with more to follow), make the case that Shelley is not the victim she makes herself out to be.

There is one aspect of "The Devil and Shelley Lubben" I found quite annoying. I can't stand listening to Shelley Lubben. She has got quite a grating speaking voice. It makes me wonder how people can stand listening to her. But perhaps it's more the message than her delivery that's helping to spread the gospel of Lubben. She is telling her audience exactly what they want to hear. There is a modern day Sodom and Gomorrah raging out of control in the valley today and it must be stopped. She was lucky to get out alive.

But for what purpose is Lubben doing this? Is she working some angle to get money? Is she starved for attention? Is she just plain crazy? Or is she a true believer in what's she's ranting about? So far, the documentary doesn't have that answer although a conclusion might be reached in other episodes. The performers interviewed, (Kayden Kross, Nina Hartley), refute most of Lubben's accusations about the porn industry. There aren't rapists stalking the set at every turn. As for women not enjoying having sex on film, Nina Hartley goes on to assure us that she has assisted in "hundreds of real female orgasms" in her 26 years in the business. Thank God for Nina Hartley. If only more porn stars were like her the world would be a better place.

"The Devil and Shelley Lubben" is an interesting documentary on an irritant to the porn business. This is not to say the porn business is above criticism mind you. You should certainly know what you're getting into when you walk onto an adult movie set. You would think after about thirty years of porn in the valley they would have figured out safety guidelines for making their product.

But the level of scorn Lubben attacks the industry with makes it seem like she craves the limelight of being a victim. Shelley Lubben is not a reliable spokesperson for railing against pornography. There's a lot of sex going on in Canoga Park and Chatsworth and she is here to save us from it. But no one should stop Nina Hartley from giving orgasms. That's just crazy.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 Lubbens

Check it out at

Keep giving orgasms Nina.
Michael Whiteacre.
Kayden Kross looking good.