Saturday, February 12, 2011

"The Devil Wears Nada" review

The Devil Wears Nada

"The Devil Wears Nada" is about Jim Wynorski making money. I think Cinemax pays somewhere between $30K and $60K to rent the movie for their late night schedule. I'm sure Wynorski pockets all of it. I believe there is actually a shrine built to him in Cinemax's headquarters. Cinemax had to have a hot line installed so that they could stay in contact with him at all hours. Their late nights would be bare without his prolific softcore output.

"The Devil Wears Nada" is about Beverly Lynne torturing her assistants so that they'll get frustrated and have sex with each other. Christine Nguyen is the new girl and Brandin Rackley is the current assistant who has to train her. There's some intrigue and deviousness going on between Beverly and her assistants but I wasn't too interested. The plot breaks between sex scenes gave me some time to get some sleep before the next one started up. I could actually hear Wynorski snoring off camera during the dialogue scenes as well. I was as interested in the plot as he was.

When it comes to softcore movies, the key to success is casting. Actually, the key is making sure that the right cast members are dry humping each other. I'm a big believer in chemistry. Some people click on screen with their partner and others seem dazed and confused as to why they have to fondle a person they're not attracted to. "The Devil Wears Nada" showcases two extreme examples of bad chemistry and good chemistry.

When I saw that Beverly Lynne was in this movie, I got excited. She can be fun to watch as she struts through the softcore motions. Beverly has one sex scene in the movie. She takes Christine Nguyen into the shower for some tender lovemaking. This scene held infinite promise. These are two very experienced performers in the art of lesbian lovemaking. Surely, they would generate some heat in the shower.

But alas, this turned out to be an example of bad chemistry. So very bad. This sex scene was a disaster. Beverly and Christine were not into it on any level. They merely shifted their weight back and forth in the shower and prayed for Wynorski to yell cut. So now we know that Beverly Lynne and Christine Nguyen should never be in a sex scene again. How heartbroken I was.

Just when all hope was lost, Christine meets Brandin Rackley. Brandin sees that Christine is tense, (must be from the unfulfilling shower scene), and leads her to a bathtub. They engage in a sex scene which shows us the perfect example of good chemistry. What I'm trying to say is, it's freaking hot! Christine and Brandin are all over each other in a great lesbian sex scene. The kissing, the breast licking, it's all here. Wynorski should take it as a personal triumph that he put these two together. It is the highlight of the movie.

There are plenty of other sex scenes to distract you from the meaningless plot. Most of these scenes are decent but nothing exceptional. There are three different scenes of blonde women standing by a pool and making out with each other. Do you think Wynorski has a type? Could it be blonde women with large breasts? So remember ladies, if you want Wynorski to spend some of his vast softcore fortune on you, be blonde and busty. He can't resist.

"The Devil wears Nada" has one great sex scene, some filler scenes with a menagerie of blonde women and a bummer of a Beverly Lynne scene. But Christine and Brandin's makeout session in the bathtub makes the movie worth seeing. It is a great softcore scene which I hope will inspire future Nguyen/Rackley scenes. Just like Wynorski and a pile of money, putting the two together can be a powerful combination.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 hot blonde devils
Oh Christine. The Devil wears pigtails.

Saturday, February 05, 2011

"I Am Virgin" review

I Am Virgin

Director: Sean Skelding
Writers: Sean Skelding David Wester

Melinda Ausserer ... Female Vampire 1
Hank Cartwright ... Dad
Jamison Challeen ... Newscaster 2
Amber Chase ... Porn Store Vampire 3
Adam Elliott Davis ... Robby
Nick Dent ... Porn Store Vampire 2
Lilith Eve ... Warehouse Vampire 1
Jessica Jackson ... Vampire
Ron Jeremy ... Paul
Zuzzie Kapas ... Vampire Nurse
Jennifer Loomis ... Vampire Bartender

Vampires are loose in the world and they're having sex. Robby is trying to survive as the last virgin on Earth. He's surrounded by undead nymphomaniacs and he still can't get laid. Robby sits by his computer all day lamenting about his current state of virginity. So to ease his mind he heads out into the world to take a peek at how the other half copulates. Everywhere Robby goes there is an orgy in process. Robby is a confused virgin and just likes to watch sex scenes play themselves out over and over again. Ron Jeremy shows up to tell Robby to quit whining and pop the cherry already. Even Jeremy can't steer Robby off the path of dedicated voyeurism.

I rented "I am Virgin" under the assumption that it was a spoof of "I am Legend". I was waiting for Robby to take out the shotgun and blast the horny vampires into oblivion. I waited and waited but Robby was too lame to do anything. Instead I got to see Robby run around town with his trusted Basset hound so he could watch various women with tattoos make sweet vampire love.

"I am Virgin" is a pointless movie. Although if the point of the movie was to show softcore sex scenes wrapped around a whiney virgin then mission accomplished. I have been known to enjoy a softcore movie or two, (or three), so there were parts of the movie I liked. In fact, the first sex scene that Robby stumbles upon has three vampire women making out with each other. I found this scene to be quite enjoyable. They made the post apocalyptic world look pretty good. But then Robby freezes at the end and runs away.

That basically sums up the problem with this movie. Robby does nothing. Nothing! He must have watched five or six sex scenes unfold. While they had their arousing moments, Robby should have gotten a little more involved in the movie. Like, oh I don't know, kill the vampires maybe? Perhaps indulge in some vampiric foreplay before running for his life? Robby should have fought valiantly to hold onto his precious virginity instead of bolting like a scared rabbit at the sight of humping vamps.

"I am Virgin" has a lot of softcore sex scenes and a running scared virgin. That's about it. The sex scenes are not good enough to recommend a viewing but they do manage to save "I am Virgin" from B-movie oblivion. Ron Jeremy shows up to laugh in Robby's face for staying a virgin. He probably should have lectured Robby a little harder about the perils of staying pure in an insane world. It would have made for a more interesting movie.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 virgin killers

Thursday, February 03, 2011

"Gingerdead Man 2: Passion of the Crust" review

Gingerdead Man 2: Passion of the Crust (2008)

Michelle Bauer ... Polly Bunderhoof
Bruce Dent ... Ricki Johnson
Travis Dixon ... Lieutenant Grant
Junie Hoang ... Ensign del Rio
K-von ... Kelvin
Frank Nicotero ... Marty
Joseph Porter ... Tommy Hines
Kelsey Sanders ... Heather
Jon Southwell ... Jake Jackson
John Vulich ... Gingerdead Man / Makeup Effects Guy #4

The Gingerdead Man is back and he's on a B-movie set. Somehow he ends up in a bakery box and is served to the crew by Michelle Bauer. She's working craft services and she looks amazing. The Gingerdead man needs to resurrect himself so he decides that slicing and dicing some B-movie people will do the trick. Meanwhile, a dying "kid" is granted a last dying wish. He wishes to tour a B-movie set and the owner is happy to oblige. The owner defends his movie making craft vigorously to the "kid" as they tour the shambles of the studio. Many exploitation movie in-jokes follow as the Gingerdead Man goes about his business of ruining another B-movie.
You may ask yourself how a movie about a killer gingerbread man can go so wrong. But I think a better question to ask is how can a movie about a killer gingerbread man go right? If you were punished into making a "Gingerdead Man" sequel, what could you do? We know these movies aren't meant to be scary. There isn't any chance of real horror showing up in these movies. So the only saving grace "Gingerdead Man" could possibly have is to be funny. You need a funny cookie monster. The movie sinks or swims on how amusing the Gingerdead man can be.

So since the movie depends on a possessed cookie entertaining you, it must inevitably fail. I didn't laugh once at the Gingerdead man and his Gingerdead attempts at comedy. In fact, I'd like to take the Gingerdead man by his feet and dunk him headfirst in milk until the little milk bubbles stop gurgling up from his mouth. Then I would take a bite out of his Gingerdead head and laugh maniacally as I chug the milk down.

All scenes with the Gingerdead Man are pointless and idiotic. Here's the Gingerdead Man's M.O.: He stalks a member of the crew, kills them while spouting terrible dialogue, there's a little blood, repeat. It gets very tedious watching this cookie puppet pretend to be a psycho killer. The fast forward button was calling my name but I hung in there and watched all of his monster antics. It wasn't worth it.

I believe the filmmakers also knew that the Gingerdead Man is incapable of providing any entertainment so they spent most of the movie focusing on the owner of the studio. His witty repartee, (note sarcasm), with the dying "kid" becomes the highlight of the film. The "kid" turns out to be a rabid B-movie fan who writes a blog and has been bashing the owner's movies on the internet. But all he really wants to do, naturally, is grovel at the B-movie makers feet. He has an orgasm at the mere thought of working for him. You know how those reviewers are. I suspect the filmmakers knew they were going to get slammed for this movie and wanted to jab any future, (and past for that matter), reviewers of their product. It's all in good fun. Except when the Gingerdead Man shows up. That's no fun at all.

The only thing positive I can say about "Gingerdead Man 2" is that Michelle Bauer is in it. She was the real highlight of the movie. She is hot as always and makes me wish there was more, so much more, of her in this movie. Every time I see her, I wish she was in more B-movies. On the other hand, I wish the Gingerdead Man was in fewer B-movies. So much fewer. As in none at all. I want this cookie to crumble.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 cookie monsters
Here's something good in "Gingerdead Man 2:" The Passion for more Bauer

Tuesday, February 01, 2011

"Batbabe: The Dark Nightie" review

Batbabe: The Dark Nightie

Director: John Bacchus
Writers: John Bacchus Michael Raso

Darian Caine ... Wendy Wane / BatBabe
Robert Mandara ... The Jerker
Molly Heartbreaker ... Henrietta Bent
Jackie Stevens ... Rachel Balls
Clancy Fitzsimmons ... Commissioner Boredom
Andrea Jaxx ... Nude Cyclist
Ruby Larocca ... Pool Girl 1
Sierra Dream ... Pool Girl 2

I was feeling nostalgic. That's my excuse. I was thinking back to the old softcore days and nights of Julian Wells and A.J. Khan. Reminiscing on the Golden Years of Seduction Cinema. I wondered what those cheap filmmakers were up to these days. Had they found any suitable replacements for Ms. Wells and Khan? What does the current crop of Seduction Cinema women have to offer? I decided that "Batbabe: the Dark Nightie" had the greatest chance of showcasing Seduction Cinema's finest.

"Batbabe" is about Batbabe. A babe who dresses like a bat. She's a stripper by day and BatBabe by night. Actually she strips at night and hangs out as BatBabe during the day as well. She's very busy. Anyway, her arch enemy is the evil Jerker. Jerker is a madman who wants to steal all of the porno in the city so the citizens will go crazy with lust. He's hoping for a semen flood which will fill the streets with sticky vengeance. Batbabe won't stand for this ejaculating injustice. Batbabe beats up a bunch of people, manages to get involved in some facsimiles of sex scenes, and the Jerker jerks it all movie long. At least he had fun.

I can tell you one thing about "Batbabe". The Jerker was successful in stealing the porno from the city. In fact, he was so successful he managed to steal it right out of this movie. Amazingly, "Batbabe" doesn't have one good sex scene. Not one scene to linger over and enjoy. Not one lousy, stinking sex scene to jerk it like the Jerker would. There isn't anything to recommend, commend or even talk about in regards to this film.

After suffering through "Batbabe", I'm reminded why I don't bother with Seduction Cinema anymore. The glory days are over. Their current group of ladies does not measure up to the mighty Julian Wells and AJ Khan. All of these women look like they took the day off from the strip club so they could be filmed fumbling through a half hearted sex scene. Only Darian Caine, (Batbabe), remains from the Misty Mundae days. She does what she can but even she can't manage to add any excitement to this softcore dud.

I was very tempted to throw "Batbabe" into the Landfill. It was so close to Landfill glory. But "Batbabe" does have a lot of nudity so I have to give it one point for that. But that's the only thing that saves it from the garbage dump. Do yourself a favor and skip this one. Check out "Seduction of Misty Mundae" for Seduction Cinema satisfaction. Don't let the Jerker spooge on you.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 Batbabes