"Zombie Women of Satan" review

Zombie Women of Satan (2009)

Directors: Steve O'Brien, Warren Speed

Writers: Seymour Leon Mace Steve O'Brien

Warren Speed ... Pervo the Clown

Victoria Hopkins ... Skye Brannigan

Victoria Broom ... Rachel Brannigan / Cult Girl M

Marysia Kay ... Red Zander

Peter Bonner ... Zeus

Kate Soulsby ... Harmony Starr

Bill Fellows ... Henry Zander

A group of freaks head out to the countryside to give an interview. They are a traveling band of performers that have piqued the interest of a local cult. Once the group hits the sticks the zombie women come out of the woodwork. It seems that the resident mad scientist is attempting to turn women into drooling, snarling beasts. He made his daughter feed them champagne glasses of poison and now the women are raving lunatics intent on devouring people. The band must, um, band together if they hope to survive the zombie onslaught. Bats, guns, knives and chainsaws are used quite frequently upside many topless zombie women heads.

“Zombie Women of Satan” had all the indications of being a terrible movie. It has the kind of title that only a B-movie fan would love and would therefore be suckered into watching it. Filmmakers often pick over the top titles to compensate for the lack of quality in the movie. I was prepared to be dragged through the fires of B-movie hell again just so I could watch some zombie women go wild.

I’m pleasantly surprised to tell you that “Zombie Women of Satan” is not that bad. I was expecting the worst so perhaps that softened the blow. It is a strangely entertaining movie that fluctuates between moments of gore and lame comedy. Thankfully, the comedic moments segue into a gory scene with recurring frequency. Heads are crushed, throats are ripped out and zombie breasts shoot acid so the movie has some charming traits.

Now I’m not saying “Zombie Women of Satan” is good mind you. But I found myself reasonably entertained by a movie I was sure was going to destroy my soul with its awfulness. Pervo the clown and his merry band of circus geeks gawk at the zombie women before smashing their heads in. Most of the zombie, (actually poisoned), women like to run through the woods without any bras on. And this makes perfect sense as the undead have no need for modesty. Pervo takes advantage of his killing spree and soaks in all of the topless zombie wonders.

Come to think of it, not only were these women not zombies, they weren’t connected to Satan at all. So the title is quite meaningless unless the meaning was to get horror fans to rent the movie. If you are thinking of renting it, know that there are plenty of topless women and even more cheap gore to keep you content. You’ll have to suffer through some lame humor, (including a midget taking the longest bathroom break in history), but “Zombie Women of Satan” keeps moving and provides all of the B-movie mayhem it could afford.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 zombie women

"Busty Coeds vs. Lusty Cheerleaders" review

Busty Coeds vs. Lusty Cheerleaders

Director: Jim Wynorski

Writer: Steve Goldenberg

Angie Savage ... Angie

Jaime Hunter ... Miss Meyers

Frankie Cullen ... Chet

Heather Vandeven ... Janet

Tiffany Case

T.J. Commings ... Bull

Melissa Lewis

Kylee Nash

Charlie Laine

A bunch of busty women show up at Wynorski's backwoods timeshare for another late night adventure. This time Wynorski has become so bored with thinking up plots for his Cinemax pay days he has the women direct themselves in as many sex scenes as possible without disturbing his nap. Kylee Nash is the most busty, (bustiest?) cheerleader so she should clearly win whatever event she's competing in. Cheerleaders and Coed's run amok all over each other as sex scene after sex scene batters you into submission. The girls plot and scheme and rub chocolate sauce on themselves but nothing can arouse Wynorski from his slumber.

"Busty Coed's vs Lusty Cheerleaders" is another, (yes another!) Wynorski skin flick adventure. It is truly a cut to the chase late night offering. There's a loose plot about a hottie competition and the hottie's who compete in it. The cheerleaders are scheming against the coed's who are scheming against each other, etc. Judges get corrupted and coeds and cheerleaders get it on with great abandon. There's not a lot of filler here as Wynorski has the decency to keep the sex scenes flowing.

The best part of "Busty Coed's vs Lusty Cheerleaders" is Kylee Nash. She is truly a busty work of art. She has three sex scenes and they are all good. The first one has her by the pool with a judge as she does her best to seduce her. Good news, the seduction works wonders. There's a lot of quality nipple licking in this scene. The next sex scene has her banging some muscle bound guy who always manages to show up in all of these late night flicks. This time he gets to bang Nash and he makes the most of it. The last sex scene has her cavorting with a blonde women with a massive back tattoo in a pool. This is also a good scene as they both like to kiss and I like to watch. Yes I do.

Another hottie who makes it into this flick is Charlie Laine. She had a great lesbian scene in "Voodoo Dollz" and I was interested to see what she would do with the busty coeds. In a shocking turn of events, Charlie Laine, (who I thought was only doing lesbian scenes), has two sex scenes with men! Are you as shocked as I am? Charlie gets it on with two muscular guys and I was amazed. Actually, more amazed that Wynorski talked her into this than the scenes themselves. I was also amazed at the size of Laine's breasts. I believe they have been augmented since the last time I saw them. It must be a new day for Charlie. A new year, new breasts, new men to dry hump in softcore flicks. Good times ahead!

"Busty Coed's vs Lusty Cheerleaders" is not Wynorski's finest hour but he does manage to deliver the late night goods. At least with his softcore output he knows what he has to deliver. As long as the women with large breasts keep kissing each other, viewers will be satisfied. As for this viewer, I found the parts with Kylee Nash to be quite enjoyable. The rest was fair. Although I think Nash was robbed. She was clearly the bustiest and lustiest of them all. I'm not sure if bustiest and lustiest are actual words but they are now. If we keep using them to describe Nash, Webster will have no choice but to include them one day.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 bustiest and lustiest Nashs

"Sucker Punch" review

Sucker Punch (2011)

Director: Zack Snyder

Writers: Zack Snyder Steve Shibuya

Emily Browning ... Baby Doll

Abbie Cornish ... Sweet Pea

Jena Malone ... Rocket

Vanessa Hudgens ... Blondie

Jamie Chung ... Amber

Carla Gugino ... Dr. Vera Gorski

Oscar Isaac ... Blue Jones

Jon Hamm ... High Roller / Doctor

Scott Glenn ... Wise Man

Baby Doll gets sent to the insane asylum. Her evil stepfather wants to lobotomize her so she doesn't cause any more hassles. Baby Doll can't take the overbearing reality of her life so she escapes into a fantasy world. She envisions the mental hospital as a brothel and her jailers as her employers. In an effort to break free from the prison, she gives herself tasks to complete so she can reach the next level of freedom. It is only through the power of her seductive dancing that she can distract the evil men in her life into giving her what she needs. But in order to dance with the power of a demon stripper, she must escape into yet another level of fantasy. She dreams of worlds where samurai monsters, Nazi's made of steam and angry dragons attack her and her loyal hot babe inmates. Baby Doll can only live in her dream world and we're right there living with her in Snyders, I mean, Baby Doll's vivid imagination.

I was unprepared. I thought "Sucker Punch" was going to be a wild ride in some fantasy world where women with machine guns attack various malevolent creatures. I had no idea what the movie was about but I figured any movie with hot women with guns can't be all bad. It helped knowing that the director is a fan of genre movies. Surely, he would not steer this ship wrong. While Snyder doesn't exactly steer his vessel into a giant iceberg, this ship is still way off course. Where was his genre loving compass pointing him on this one? Ego is a terrible thing. It has led him astray.

"Sucker Punch" is not a complete disaster but it is surely a disappointment. This movie is a pointless exercise. It screams for more of those lovely exploitative elements we all cherish. It was only after the movie was over I realized "Sucker Punch" was rated PG-13. There is no nudity in this women's prison movie. For shame. You have a handful of hot women fighting for their freedom and not one gratuitous shower scene to wash off some blood? I thought Snyder was a fan of these movies. Where is the love man?

Speaking of disappointments, why didn't we ever get to see Baby Doll dance? I was ready to see Baby Doll arch her back and shake her hips so I could fall under her spell too. Instead she retreats into her video game world of dragons and monsters. Is this what women dream about when they try to seduce men? Who knew they fantasized about such things?

But the ultimate disappointment is when you realize that these fantasy sequences, while being the most appealing scenes in the film, are meaningless. They are action scenes playing out in Baby Doll's head. They have no bearing on the plot nor do they cause any sense of suspense as we know Baby doll can dance her way out of any fire breathing dragon situation. Once Baby Doll finishes dancing, the movie goes back to the drab world of the asylum/bordello and we wait patiently for Baby Doll to put her dancing shoes back on.

"Sucker Punch" has some interesting fight scenes but overall it's disappointing. But I wonder if "Sucker Punch" will be one of those movies that we'll look back on later in life and kick ourselves for not realizing the genius that was evident in it? Ehh, probably not. "Sucker Punch" is a collection of fantasy scenes that Snyder wanted to ram down our throats. He didn't want to wait to film all of them separately so he came up with this Alice in Prisonland mishmash of a movie. While I find it hard to argue against a movie with samurai monsters, you can probably let "Sucker Punch" and its dreaming dancing girl go.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 baby doll squads

"The Tomb" review

The Tomb (1986)

Director: Fred Olen Ray

Writers: Kenneth J. Hall T.L. Lankford

Cameron Mitchell ... Dr. Howard Phillips

John Carradine ... Mr. Andoheb

Sybil Danning ... Jade

Susan Stokey ... Helen

Richard Hench ... David Manners

Michelle Bauer ... Nefratis

I rented this one from my terrible local video store. If you want older B-movies, you've got to dig deep. Why even bother to dig for some of these movies is a mystery. Case in point: "The Tomb". A fake Indiana Jones goes looking for treasure. He runs into Sybil Danning for five seconds and then ends up in Cairo. There he stumbles upon a mummy's tomb which has Michelle Bauer pouting her way through eternity. She follows the faux Dr. Jones to L.A. where many uninteresting things happen.

The first thing to know about "The Tomb" is that Sybil Danning is barely in the movie. I suppose like most B-movie fans I figured that even if the movie was bad, I knew Sybil Danning was there to save the day. I was wrong. Sybil Danning can't save it. There's no way she could have since she's in it for five minutes. I distinctly remember her being proudly displayed on the video box. What a shame. I was looking forward to watching this one too. Mummies, Sybil Danning, ancient curses, and Sybil Danning. Ripped off again. I'll never learn.

You'll be screaming for mercy after this one. Any scene without Sybil Danning is lame and terrible. And was she naked for her five minutes you ask? No way. If she was, I might have given the movie a break. If Michelle Bauer had gotten naked, I might have even vaguely enjoyed the movie. If Michelle Bauer and Sybil Danning had gotten naked together, I might have had an orgasm. But they didn't. So many chances to embrace pure exploitation but "The Tomb" blew them all.

Good Lord man. Is it too much to ask to make B-movies enjoyable? There is a lot of ways to overcome the limitations associated with a small budget. This movie just puttered along without a care in the world of being good. "The Tomb" is a stinker that needs to be left to rot.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 for five minutes of Sybil

"Raptor" review

Raptor (2001)

Director: Jim Wynorski Writers: Michael B. Druxman Frances Doel

Eric Roberts ... Sheriff Jim Tanner

Corbin Bernsen ... Dr. Hyde

Melissa Brasselle ... Barbara Phillips

Tim Abell ... Capt. Connellly

William Monroe ... Capt. York

Harrison Page ... Deputy Ben Glover (as Harrison Paige

Lorissa McComas ... Lola Tanner

Wynorski has escaped from a lab and the army has to hunt him down before he kills again. Actually, Wynorski's shameless "Carnosaur" rip-off has escaped from the B-movie lab and we must kill it before anyone else sees it. A mad scientist has gone madder than usual as his puppet dinosaurs are running amok. Eric Roberts shows up as the local sheriff to investigate dino-related carnage. Corbin Bernsen is hard at work trying to cover his tracks as the army closes in. Some cheap dinosaurs showed up, did nothing interesting and my mind started to wander off into deep, sweet dino oblivion...

It's sad. You would think a movie with malicious dinosaurs would be more exciting. Was vaguely interesting asking too much? Yes, it was. "Raptor" konked me out after 45 minutes. The army was going to kill some raptors and zzzzzzz... "Raptor" sent me into a deep dino coma. None of the screaming and yelling on screen could shake me out of my slumber. I woke up to the sound of my VCR rewinding the tape for me.

I wrestled with the moral dilemma of whether to go back and watch the rest of "Raptor" for about two seconds. I took my power nap as a sign to let this one go. Wynorski clearly didn't care about making an entertaining movie so why should I care about watching it? I can say with full confidence that even watching five minutes of this movie is too much. The only thing positive to say about "Raptor" is that it's a boon for people suffering from insomnia. Pop this lame excuse for a movie in and get ready to snooze.

In conclusion: Good nap. Bad movie.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 cheap raptors